Sunday, March 18, 2012

purify hard

"Dude, do you understand that we already know how hardcore you are and you don't have to go through these painful trials to convince us?"

That's what my bff said to me just now as I described what I've been going through with the pilonidal cyst all week.
He wanted to know why I chose the most painful physical ways in which to learn my life's lessons. Why do I need to be so hard on myself in order to convince myself that I'm strong?

Dunno.
My deepest beliefs must center around redemptive suffering and being born again from the ashes after a violent burning away of an old way of being.

When I started praying the daily Rosary for Lent I asked to be purified.
Well, cysts are conduits for the exit of waste matter and stagnation.

The cyst is open and it's still draining but most of of the worst is out of me.

I expect to be more clear when this infection has run its course.
My spring cleaning of my root chakra will have made way for the next phase of healing.

I'd rather suffer and process my issues rather than stagnate,
but it might be easier if I didn't have that idea in my head that I necessarily need to suffer so hard in order to improve.

Or maybe I'm just right about what I need.

I'm not going to over think it (errr...uh...maybe I'll still over think it...lol).
I'm in process.
I feel like I'm getting better.
I'll take it as it comes
and flow with it as it goes.
..
..
.

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