Wednesday, April 16, 2014

My mother and her Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The person with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) probably doesn't know they have the disorder.They may not be able to empathize with the suffering they cause others. 

I am the daughter of a mother with NPD. At 49 years of age I am still piecing my heart and mind after an emotionally difficult childhood. Being the parent to one's parent is difficult. When that parent doesn't even know the pain they're causing the isolation, shame, and emotional burden can be devastating to the child.

For more information on mothers with NPD go to

Here is a video blog I made today after a difficult time with my mother.
Click here
or click below

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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

how far down the list

When D. Gary Young
broke his back for the third time in his life, this time riding a giant dune buggy that dropped him 60 feet vertically, he didn't go to the emergency room. He waited till the next day to go see his orthopedist in his office. Mary Young wasn't happy about this. She was upset with him for not calling her right away when it happened.

Gary asked her what she would have done had he called her first.

She said she would have called for an ambulance.
"Then what?" he asked her.
She said she would have called for his doctor to meet them at the hospital.
"Then what?" he asked.
She said she would have gone to the hospital herself to be with him.
"Then what?"
She said she would have sent for his sons to be there with him as he was getting diagnosed and cared for.
"And then?"
She said she would have called his business associates to let them know what had happened.
She said she would have called other friends and family to pray for him.
"Look at that list," he said to her, "God the Father is the 6th one down on that list. You see, I called on him first. If we don't call on him, then how can he do anything for us?"

D. Gary Young suffered multiple spinal injuries from the accident. All have healed. He has suffered no permanent impairment to his walking or mobility.

Reckless or faithful?

Or both?

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Monday, April 14, 2014

Chrism Mass

...and you shall make of these 
a sacred anointing oil 
blended as by the perfumer;
 it shall be a holy anointing oil. 
- Exodus 30:24-26 

At the Chrism Mass the bishop, joined by the priests of the diocese, gather at the Cathedral to celebrate the Chrism Mass. This Mass manifests the unity of the priests with their bishop. Here the bishop blesses three oils — the oil of catechumens (oleum catechumenorum or oleum sanctorum), the oil of the infirm (oleum infirmorum) and holy chrism (sacrum chrisma) — which will be used in the administration of the sacraments throughout the diocese for the year. - from Catholic Exchange

As you can imagine, this was especially moving for me because of the baskets full of oils that were presented and blessed for all the parishes in our diocese. The Basilica of the Sacred Heart in Newark was splendid. It was filled with the prayerful, the priests, the nuns, and deacons.

Getting there was rough. I was still very dizzy from this head infection (ear? throat? glands?) I couldn't go above 45mph. I white knuckled the steering wheel all the way there. Driving home was slightly better.

I have to sleep now. I have a full work day tomorrow from 9am till 9pm with no break.

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Sunday, April 13, 2014

Not my blood sugar

All that vertigo and inability to drive wasn't my blood sugar crashing.
It was an inner ear infection. My head fluids are off. I can hear bubbling and popping in my ears. My throat is sore.

The weird part is I feel like this at a more low key level all the time, I'm a little dizzy and my ears are sore and tender.

Another health mystery to solve and to overcome.

I'm using Oregano oil and Thieves to fight the supposed infection.

And now to add sleep to that plan.

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Saturday, April 12, 2014

Young quote

There IS a miracle cure for everything 
and you all know who He is. 
- D. Gary Young

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Friday, April 11, 2014

blood sugar crash

Blood sugar issues can be frightening.
I take the long-acting insulin. It's important to eat regularly when you have extended release insulin in your system. Today, I didn't eat regularly. I was too busy yapping and driving.

Driving to Rhode Island on I-95 I suddenly felt the car dissolving underneath me and begin to fly. I recognized the symptoms of a blood sugar crash. Luckily I was not driving alone. I pulled the car off the road and let my companion take over the driving for the remaining hour.

You're going to ask what my sugar reading was. I have no idea. I don't like paying 50 cents every time I have to check my blood sugar (that's how much the strips cost), so I don't check it. I had an A1C recently but I didn't get the results. I didn't get the bill from the lab either for that matter.

Why don't I check my blood sugar? Part of me is just angry and put upon by diabetes upkeep. Part of me probably has a hard time with the idea of taking care of myself. Part of me must be in denial about needing the round the clock care. I know. I deserve to be taken care of. I deserve the attention and care. I just have a hard time giving it to myself.

I am alarmed at the consequences of blood sugar drops like today's. I'm now painfully aware of the need, the actual urgent need to be vigilant about feeding myself. I'm still struggling with the idea that I'm fat yet I need food to live. Yeah, that's the core issue. I struggle with my own worth. I never learned to be ok with needing to eat. After all these years I still feel I should be punished for feeding myself. Somewhere deep inside I feel like I should hibernate and live off my fat rather than nourish myself. It's a demon I'm still fighting after 45 years. The demon has kept its hold on my psyche.

That's the spiritual issue. Worthiness. I have yet to feel worthy of nourishment and care. The shame is so deep in me that I just won't eat properly. Not only won't I eat properly but I had surgeries to ensure that I can't eat properly even if I want to. That's what I have to fight. That's the big-bad.

Even right this very second I'm fighting the big-bad. I'm in Rhode Island for a weekend event with the chemist/botanist who produces the essential oils I use in my healing ministry. My mentor is asleep behind me as I type at the desk in our hotel room. After eating about one fifth of my dinner over 3 hours ago I am understandably hungry. Just now I tiptoed to the mini-fridge to get my snack and hoped I wouldn't wake her because I was ashamed that I was hungry, because in my illogical mind I shouldn't be hungry after eating dinner even though I barely ate it. Even as I type this I'm battling the demon.

Today's episode on the road was scary. It showed me that going without food is not an option. The good part of me wants to teach me that eating is not a sin, that food is not married to shame, and that I deserve whatever it takes to keep me healthy. The unhealthy part of me thinks I should starve till I'm thin.

This has been the demon in need of slaying since I was 5 years old. I've been blogging about this issue since 2006. I'm going to need some serious weaponry to fight this demon. It's putting up too much of a fight.

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Thursday, April 10, 2014

friends and cats

I would also take care of the people I love.
What good is a castle without company!

I just never pictured happily ever after with a prince. Even my best case scenarios have me living with an extended family of friends. Cats too. Cats and comfort and people to invite over to enjoy it all. That's what makes me happy.

And a jacuzzi. I'd like a jacuzzi.

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