Thursday, October 30, 2014

Where theres a wall theres a way

He'll say to me,
"I see who you truly are -
A girl on whom I can rely!"
And that's how we'll begin
The Wizard and I
My future is unlimited
And I've just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know - it sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision's hazy
But I swear, someday there'll be
A celebration throughout Oz
That's all to do with me!

I was tired of waiting for
some magical Cinderella moment
when someone would
take me to see 'Wicked: The Musical' on Broadway
so I made it happen myself...

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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Please from Princess Bride

 He simply said, 
 please, I need to live." 
It was the "please" that caught my memory. 
I asked him what was so important for him here. 
And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty 
and faithfulness. 
I can only assume he meant you.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Documentary on Weight Loss Surgery complications

Contact Grace Perez-Velez 

if you have a story to tell about your weight loss surgery complications.
Grace is looking to make a documentary about the untold stories, the complications, regain, and medical mistreatment suffered by too many weight loss surgery patients.

It's time the public heard the other side of the story.

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Monday, October 27, 2014

what illness buys

Not everyone is ready to be healed. Some of us use illness to buy us time, get attention, attract kindness, avoid more painful situations, or as a reason to avoid our lifelong dreams. Until we clear the emotional issues associated with our illness, we won't be fully healed. As Caroline Myss says, healing is hard work.

The more lessons we learn about self, the more we grow, heal, and are able to help others.

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Sunday, October 26, 2014

demon jealousy

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done 
you blame me for

Jealousy is a terrible, destructive thing.
The devil makes his moves in relationships using this terrible tool of destruction and distortion. Jealousy is the funhouse mirror that hijacks love and turns it into a force for separation. The only way to defeat jealousy in my circles is to tame it, nay abolish it from myself. If you want to change the world around you change your insides. It's the only way.

I lost someone recently, not thru death, through a friend-ending. It was their final decision. We were both suffering in the friendship for a variety of reasons, reasons that could have been helped especially by the many healers and masters we surround ourselves with, but that's not how it went. 

It's so tempting to blame others. I know better than to place sole responsibility for my life's circumstances entirely on others.  I have to look at myself, my decisions, my actions, and hold myself accountable, but as a wise woman said to me recently, I shouldn't take it all on myself. There are always others who contribute to any situation. She said it's good to hold myself accountable but others need to do the same.

Oh, you others, how I must have hurt you to have led you to this. That much I know. I loved in a way that made others feel left out. How insensitive of me to have made you so very jealous that you were compelled to lead someone I loved away from me. I should have been more aware of how my actions were effecting you. I shouldn't have loved someone so hard, so all-consumingly that it made me less loving toward you, but in the end you won. You punished me. You led him away from me, some with lies, some with half-truths, some with persuasion, but you accomplished it. He's gone.

Someone recently reminded me of the Iron Wire comment I made in the presence of a master, a faux pas of terrible consequence. I must have insulted this master very deeply for him to have been one of the ones who led my warrior-friend away from me. Three years ago I said that I was thrilled that warrior-friend would be training with this master and I was counting the minutes till I could see him doing Iron Wire. The master asked, "you don't want to see ME do it?" Yeah, when he said that he was "kidding" right? That set the tone for things to come. Like many others it was puzzling as to why one person could take my attention so thoroughly. I should have been more aware of everyone's human-ness. Not all masters have conquered ego 100%. Be careful. Don't poke a master in his ego. He'll undo you masterfully.

Another master swears he didn't talk about me when warrior-friend came to him with his head filled with ideas about how the friendship had to end. Maybe he should have talked about me. Maybe he could have said kind, truthful, loving things about me. He's another one who could have saved the situation, influenced things for the better and didn't. 

Two others, girls I had called BFFs, one I caught telling outright lies about me to him, the other would sometimes talk to him and wait weeks to tell me about it. I could make a laundry list of transgressions from both of them. They just couldn't stand how much I loved him. That's on me. I didn't have to make such a show of it in front of them. I'm sorry I was so focused on someone else and I let our friendships lag. I must have hurt you very badly for you to have kicked me in such a vulnerable spot. He's gone now, but so are both of you. Not a win-win by any means.

There are a few major players and plenty of minor players in this Shakespearean tragedy. I am so very sorry I made you feel bad, so bad you had to play me like a chess piece and knock me off the board. Just so you know, you accomplished your mission. He's gone forever and I'm deeply hurt. You won your war.

I have to look at myself and my own actions so I can learn from all this. I call myself a healer and teacher, yet I am surrounded by rifts. Something in me is creating this atmosphere. There was a spiritual blemish stuck to the way I loved my former friend, my own insecurities, jealousies, etc. that acted like a giant power-magnet to attract the jealousy of these others.  They landed on it and started pulling it apart like the gremlin on the wing of the plane in that Twilight Zone episode.

When our friendship became chaotic he came to them with questions and they fed him just the right answers to lead him to eliminate me. They might try to hide behind good intentions, to say it was for our own good, but none of them were talking to me about it. They worked their dismantling maneuvers behind my back. Like I said, I must have hurt them badly for them to want to take him out of my life. Love shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't make people so jealous it makes them want to separate people. There must be something in my karma that attracted this situation into my life. So many big, important relationships have been shaken at the core over this separation. There have to be lessons in it for me, but more than just me.

And so the final friend-ending of June 2014 stands as a major devastation in my history. The months have not made it easier. Time isn't healing this wound very well. My task now is to forgive, to have compassion, and to understand in a non-judgmental way. Not easy considering how hurt I am. This will take work, but it is work that has to be done if I am to be authentic, the genuine article and if I'm ever to heal.

I keep praying the "I'm sorry" prayer and sending it out into the world. I don't expect forgiveness but I want my vibration out to the world to be sincerely contrite. I want to be penitent, not bitter, but that will take work.

I pray the demon jealousy be defeated in all of us. May we recognize it and shun it. I pray the devil be defeated in this and all things.

From all this there are schisms that will never heal, breaches that will never bridge, but whatever anyone's intentions were in all this, you can't control this: I will miss him forever. My memories will always be mine and there are plenty of precious, good ones that no one can erase.

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Saturday, October 25, 2014


Yeah, I said greatness.

Small moves.
Aim big.
 -  me on July 22, 2011

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Friday, October 24, 2014

we are not our thoughts

If we identify with the observer of our thoughts
rather than our thoughts
we will suffer less.
At least that's what Buddha taught...

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