not just self esteem

"...it was all about repetition.  

Repetition is the mother of skill 

he would tell me. 

And I saw the difference in it. 

It WORKED and it was true. 

He was very big on building up your basics

 because the basics are your foundation. 

When a house has a strong foundation, 

you can build on top of it. 

Very similar to what Master Roshi 

was trying to teach Goku and Krillin."

- A. Trento

But I do love life even when I'm suffering in its valley of tears.
Even when I'm afflicted with pain, I love having the experience of hope. Then I love the experience of getting better. Still, I'll be very very relieved when this painful cyst is over with. In the meantime I'm grateful that it is ushering toxic waste out of my body so that I can move forward.

Habits.
Daily habits.
My lenten commitment of praying the Rosary every day is changing me. I even believe that the cyst has something to do with it. I prayed for Purification. Granted, I meant purification of my heart but if purification of my body is necessary, I'll take it. I'll take it hard apparently, but I'll take it.

Prayer changes the heart.
Some folks don't like the idea of repetitious prayers or praying by rote.
I'm of a different opinion.
I think it's like hammering a nail into something. Random,  poorly aimed whacks won't do it very well. In order to build something sturdy you need to whack in the same spot over and over again.

Change happens for me when I'm consistent.
Growth happens for me when I do difficult things that I don't want to do.
Not everyone is like me in that respect and I've taken criticism for it.
People could just let people learn in their own best way.
My way is what I'm choosing for me.
I talk about it.
That doesn't mean it has to be right for you.
I'm just sharing my experiences.

Praying the Rosary and the ho'oponopono prayer every day is changing me. I can feel it. It's like I'm taking a giant pipe cleaner to my soul and cleaning myself out, becoming more aware of how I can be better, facing my worst habits and forgiving myself so I can move forward.
I'm whacking that nail over and over again to build a better me.

I talk about daily habits building self-esteem. Daily habits do that and more.
They change our being.

My heart is getting lighter.
The purge may be difficult, painful, exhausting, but the upshot is that I'll be better...and happier as a result.
I already am.

Amen.

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praying hard

or blogged about it?
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Painful Purge

 Job 2:
4 “Skin for skin!” Satan replied. “A man will give all he has for his own life. 5 But now stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

6 The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.”

7 So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.

9 His wife said to him,
“Are you still maintaining your integrity?
 Curse God and die!”

10 He replied, “You are talking like a fool.
Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”

My root chakra is in an uproar.
The ischial issue is healing ever so slowly. I cannot (and will not due to my Lenten commitment) sit comfortably. The right butt cheek bone burns like hell if I sit for too long (driving, conducting meetings, working with clients, etc.).

Climbing steps is agony.
My knees actually hurt less than the butt cheek/ischial issue when I'm going up steps.
I'm still doing my Sifu stretches 3 times a day.
I'm praying for healing.

Insult has been added to injury.
Over the weekend I felt like I had bruised my tailbone somehow.
I thought that maybe lying on my back with the laptop on my bosom to do work (my plan of standing for hours to do all my schoolwork was just not practical) had put too much pressure on my lower back.
I figured my tailbone was sore from laptopping.

In the shower the ugly truth revealed itself as I washed my butt crack (tmi...I know...lol).
I had a cyst the size of an acorn a couple of inches below the base of my spine in the ass-crack-ular area.
It was deep and not ready to come out.
Ouch.

The pain was unreal those first few days (it has subsided from atom bomb to grenade in pain intensity).
Lying down was only comfortable while lying on my side which meant I couldn't wear my CPAP to sleep for the past few nights.
Pain, discomfort, lack of sleep, slight fever, crying and confusion.

Spirit said very clearly to me,
"Something is trying to leave."

The damned cyst started to drain on Monday night after a bumpy car ride home from school. It's almost halfway gone. It's gross. It requires bathing and dressing it multiple times a day. Once again I am my own nurse. Once again I'm working through a painful trial with my poor body that wants so badly to heal and be at peace.

I feel like Job.
Satan is afflicting me to see if I'll give up on my prayers, faith, sacrifice, working out, optimism, integrity, and trust.

F*ck you, Satan.

I have period cramps but no period.
It's a month late.
Yes, I will talk to Josh about it.

All these painful, crampy, icky issues in my root chakra.
Why??

The root chakra governs physical preservation, survival, security, safety and sexual energy.
Oh.
No wonder I have issues.

I am not at peace with any of those.
I feel very blocked and sickly in those areas.
The sadness I feel in every one of those areas hurts as bad as the damned cyst.

Spirit says something is trying to leave.
Perhaps my energies in that area will clear up as I heal?
Or do I need  to work on those issues in order for the healing to occur?

Probably both.
God help me.

Right now the best I can do is take an Epsom Salt bath and pray.

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encouraged

It's nice when people notice.
It's good to hear that people notice my progress.

A missionary friend from one of my universities came up to me after mass the other night. He very seriously told me how good I looked. He remembers me in the wheelchair. He remembers me when I could barely walk. Now he notices how well I get around and how I'm looking better, like I'm "working out".
How awesomely polite.
He didn't use the "losing weight" cliche.
He didn't make me feel as if I looked bad before.
He sincerely and genuinely noticed my progress.
It meant the world to me.

Today a lovely ladyfriend, mother to one of the little warriors at my favorite dojang, told me how well I looked. She said my color looked good. Another awesome non-cliche compliment. Let's face it, some people lose weight and they look saggy and grey from deprivation. To simply notice that someone has lost weight is not always a good compliment.
To notice that my complexion looks better is an original and welcome compliment.
I'm working my ass off at this getting-better stuff.
Using nutrition as a serious health intervention takes work.
It felt great to be validated that way.

But my favorite one was from my trainer/dear friend/warrior for the team of Heaven.
Today we did a "drill" that involved my doing squats then rising and doing a front kick, then squatting and side kicking (my weak but soon to improve version of a roundhouse kick), then back kicking (my knees get noisy on those).
Ok, my balance isn't great.
My posture isn't perfect.
I could barely look at myself in the mirror, but then he said,
"I've been waiting to do these drills with you since I went with you to physical therapy with Dr. Joe".

Progress.

My friend, whose opinion is so important to me,
believed in me and stuck with me until I could do it.

If all I could do was walk, I'd be grateful, but I've been pushed past that into something more.
If all I could do was get up in the mornings and get to work I'd be grateful, but I've been guided into being able to do so much more.

Others can help us get past the limits of our own imaginations.

We can be the encouraging voice for people if we open our mouths to edify, instruct, encourage, and validate.

I've been blessed with encouragers.

I hope to pay it forward.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Pay it forward: the plan.
click here or click below

Unfair

After his next mok'bara class,
Worf singles out Sito and tells her she must pass a gik'tal challenge
to move into his advanced class...

Lieutenant Worf: Defend yourself!
Sito Jaxa: How am I supposed to defend myself when I can't see a thing?
Lieutenant Worf: Stop making excuses! Replace the blindfold!

He has her put on a blindfold and spar with him.
But after being knocked down several times,
she removes the blindfold and refuses to continue with the test.

Sito Jaxa: No! It's not a fair test.
Lieutenant Worf: Very good, Ensign. You have passed the challenge.

Sito Jaxa: Sir... is there really such a thing as a gik'tal challenge?
Lieutenant Worf: No, there is not. But perhaps next time 
you are judged unfairly, 
it will not take so many bruises for you to protest.

The gik'tal was, of course, invented by Worf,
in order to test (and encourage) Sito's ability
to stand up for herself when she was being unfairly attacked.

How many bruises will we take before we'll stand up for ourselves?
In the name of being "tough" or "not uptight" we might tolerate unfair treatment.
We might fail to speak up in our own defense because confrontation is too scary.
It might be easier to fight and fail with the blindfolds on rather than say
HEY THAT'S NOT FAIR!

I'm big on staying the course,
toughing it out,
and finishing what you start,
but sometimes you need to know when to pick up your gear and leave.

Sometimes walking out is the right thing to do.
You can call it quitting or you can call it valuing yourself.

As long as you make the right call.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
You can see one good shot of Worf tossing Sito on the mats at :13 in...
click here or click below

ego needs

 
I want to matter.
I want to feel appreciated.
I want to be useful.
I want to feel like I'm special.
I want to be liked.
I want attention.
I want to be needed.

Those are some of my most pressing ego needs.
These are the motivators behind many of the things I do
career wise,
blogging wise,
personality wise.

I could try to be the Buddha and abolish all those needs (not likely)
and kill off my ego (not going to)
or I could just be ok with my human-ness and say
"There are worse reasons to want to be a
teacher,
healer,
blogger,
speaker,
counselor,
internet-er
etc."

A mentor once said that to me.
She was one of my professors in grad school when I was getting my counseling degree.
We were "self-analyzing" (I do that relentlessly so it was an easy assignment)
and I told her that I wanted to be a counselor because of the above ego needs.
I said I wondered if my motivations were pure.
She actually said, "There are worse reasons that people get into this field..."
She proceeded to encourage me.
She actually told me that if she were a client she'd really like to have me as a counselor, that I inspire confidence, and that I'm a natural at it.

I'll never forget that conversation.
She totally validated me.

Sifu said something about ego.
He said it gives us drive.

I don't think my goal is to abolish ego.
I think I just need to be mindful of how it motivates me.
The important thing is to have a choice.
If we're mindful of our motivations we won't be prisoners to our ego needs.

It's ok to want to be wanted, needed, and liked.
It's human.
How do we go about filling those ego needs?
That's where choice comes in.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Ok, you definitely need to sleep and eat in order to be metabolically healthy, but I am simpatico with the general message!
click here or click below

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