wheeling out in faith

“When you have come to the edge
of all light that you know
and are about to drop off
into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing
one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on
or
You will be taught to fly”
- Patrick Overton

“Of one thing I am certain,
the body is not the measure of healing
Peace is the measure.”
- George Melton

"Although the world is
full of suffering,
it is also full
of the overcoming of it."
- Helen Keller

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I won't heal.
I'm also afraid that God will be offended by my lack of faith and keep me crippled to teach me a lesson.

How awful.
It's awful because part of me knows how ridiculous that is.
There's no angry, finger-pointing God in the sky with his finger poised over the "smite" button on his keyboard ready to strike me down as punishment.

Yet I'm having trouble trusting that I'll ever be well.

I trusted that my kitten would come back from the vet.
You think I didn't pray over Cassidy before he went in for surgery???
I prayed that God would take care of him.
Now Cassidy's dead.

Sure, God is caring for everyone and everything but not in the ways we want.
Asking God to take care of my Cassidy was my way of asking that my kitten be brought back to me safe, whole, alive.
God said no.

So, why should I have faith that I'll ever be well??
If it's not God's will none of my prayers will matter.
God's will be done, not mine.

The only prayers of worth are prayers offering gratitude and prayers asking for forgiveness.
I can ask God for anything I want.
Then God will do exactly what God sees fit for the development of my spirit.

When my Cassidy fell behind the big dresser and I was screaming for God to help me
I feel that I did receive help.
I got more strength than I knew I could muster.
I became calm enough and strong enough to rescue my baby.

The kitchen fire that same day could have been much worse.
I arrived home in time to put it out and air out the apartment.
No harm done.

I thanked God for leading me home in time to save my household.

Then the very next morning my Cassidy-kitten
dies on the operating table.

I trusted God to take care of my baby and my baby died anyway.

So, why am I going to trust that my knee will heal?
What good is The Secret and visualization and goals and will and focus if God just does what God wants anyway??

My knee might stay damaged for a very long time.
If I need surgery I'm going to be off it for a year of more.
For all I know it could just stay damaged till I get a knee replacement.

Sure, I could step out in faith and declare victory over my injury but I stepped out in faith that my kitten would be just fine and now he's gone.

What good is mustering up all that faith that things will turn out the way I want just so I can be denied?

I think the only thing left to do is submit.
Tell God that I am ready to be used in whatever way God sees fit.
If that means I'm a cripple with a dead cat I need to be OK with that.
If that means I'll walk again, soon, and a new kitten will come into my life then I need to be OK with that. If God takes that kitten too, I need to be OK with that.

If I surrender to God's will am I giving up on myself?
Maybe the point IS to give up the self and rely solely on a higher power.
Give up all wants and desires and just be a lover of God.

I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Is that why I'm still in a wheelchair?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Zac Poonen talks about how we can be led astray in self righteousness. The Bible speaks of being freed from spiritual pride and self justification. This sermon is about the"Thank God we are not like them attitude". This clip is an extract from the message " Characteristics of Pharisees" delivered at the conference "Led by the Spirit, not under the Law".
click here or click below