the short bus

"Refuse to fall down
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven
only you.
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening."
- Clarissa Pinkola Estés
in The Faithful Gardener:
A Wise Tale About That Which Can Never Die

I need to get a better digital camera so I can film this stuff!
Maybe out of this big paycheck tomorrow I can make two "big" purchases: new water filter and new camera.
One for my health and one for my career.
I have to think about it.
Weigh the pros and cons, not make a snappy impulse purchase.

The water filter has been a long time coming.
The camera?
I just thought of that now.
In honor of my new commitment to budgeting I want to feel at peace with my purchases.

Peace is hard for me right now.
I'm processing Cassidy-kitten's untimely death.
I'm dealing with caffeine withdrawal and low energy from adrenal fatigue
and of course, my knee.

The pics today are of my new mode of transportation from my car to my classroom.
I am officially riding a short bus!

Not only am I on the short bus I have to get on and off of it via the wheelchair lift.
This is NOT a simple process.
There's a rhythm to it.
Brakes on, brakes off, get backed onto the lift, brakes on, sit still, get buckled in, get the chair buckled in...and a million little steps in between involving setting up the wheelchair.

Singing up for this service (thank God for Teddy, Danisha and all the other hard workers who keep this system running at my university... and for whatever funds pay for all this!)
was a necessity
that I avoided.
Just like I've been avoiding getting an ex-ray on my knee.
Avoid
avoid
avoid.

God, I'm annoying in my avoiding!

If I had acknowledged my knee injury as needing medical attention from the get go (Easter weekend)...oh wait.
I did.
I did acknowledge the need for medical attention from the get go! (click here)

I was ready to go to the hospital!
Right then and there I was willing to submit to medical care.
What happened??

Good thing I blog every day so I can see exactly what happened.
I went on an Oz-style Odyssey into spiritual healing.
I've grown,
I've suffered,
I've learned,
I've taught.

Ok, I probably could have done it more efficiently with a proper medical diagnosis.
But that's not how this all unraveled.
It unraveled THIS way.

Now I'm back to square one, planning to go to a medical doctor for help,
except I'm different now than I was last time I was at square one.
I'm tougher.
I'm stronger.
I'm slightly more aware.

I'm more ready to be used by God,
more ready to submit to divine will.

I have less faith in my own ability to control circumstances and more faith in my spiritual development according to divine will.

Like the prayer says: Thy Will Be Done.

I'm learning.
I may be avoiding and annoying but I'm always
always
learning.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I want to believe the words in this video.
I want this.
Even if it means landing my ass in a wheelchair for the summer.
Even if it means losing my beloved Cassidy-kitten.
My heart wants this.
click here or click below