Diary of a Fat Girl

hi lisa~ i'm sorry i haven't been caught up on your blog lately. but i saw xander on your post in my dashboard so i had to say something because i love buffy too :)

i think it's so interesting that you dreamed that about xander and that you describe him as desirable by women, because i don't know if you watched it from season 1 or not, but he was not at ALL the ladies' man. he had terrible taste in women and was always getting into trouble and falling for people who tried to eat or kill him in some other way. anya was the only one who ever really loved him i think. sweet vengence demon, she was my favorite.

but i think it seems to fit that he would be an ideal mate for you. because it seems like he would be someone you would identify with. someone who felt inferior. someone who longs for love, but often feels rejected and embarrassed.

remember when he was split into twins (his confident half and his insecure half?) and he was so sure that it was a demon in the other xander because he couldn't even conceive that he could have those confident qualities.

and so in your dream i think him rejecting you seems to me to reflect your fears that you are unlovable. i have those dreams frequently, and i do have a good partner. i think finding love doesn't always stop all those feelings and fears. it's from deep deep down where some part of us feels that no matter how good we are, it's never enough, that we'll never be truly loved. i definitely think the healing has to come from within us. finding that self-love. believing in ourselves. learning to nourish and nurture instead of beat up and lecture and shame ourselves.

and i feel the same way too, that sometimes no matter how much work i do, i feel stuck in certain issues and that i just replay them over and over like a broken record. but i do think there's hope and it does get better if we keep trying. {{hug for you}}

also, that's so wonderful that you've had that healing experience with your father. how rare to get an apology! you were so brave to take that step with him~

How was the event in Montclair? I know you were looking forward to it & worried about it at the same time. We are such complex creatures! I think your dream means that you are opening up to the possibility of allowing someone into your life this Springtime! The feeling of renewal and yearning for good things to come is natural this time of year. Just my two cents, for what they're worth!

I love this post.

Consider the fact of just how long you've been running this same track with love, finding partners who were, in their own ways, as equally heartbreaking as your father. The cycle repeats and you have new hurts to feed the misery train. The pattern's got a clutch on you and you've really got to stamp it out to work yourself out of that familiar (and oddly comforting) groove.

You are a beautiful and dynamic woman. There's a person looking to love you, as you.