I went to see a wise woman
today to help heal my heart. I do get scared sometimes. My heart hurts. They say you can die of a broken heart and I'm not ready to die yet. I have work to do. I have people who need me. I have people I haven't even met yet who need to learn from me. I've got to keep going. I've got to stay alive. My message(s) matter. They must be delivered.
I've always told my students that I will give them at least two versions of things: the scientific interpretation and the magical/spiritual interpretation. I tell them that I present options. It's their choice which interpretation applies to them.
I'll give them two options or recommend that they transcend the two options and
go through that third eye opening at the top. As a student reminded me, there's always that third option. Good things my students remind me of the lessons I've taught them!
There's a situation in my life that's pressing on my heart. The common-sense-scientific solution seems to offer a hard road of healing while the magical road seems to offer a hard road of faith. Being pulled between the two options is causing me incredible pain.
Tonight I watched
The Polar Express for the first time. I know. Can you believe I'd never seen it? I cried at everything that was said about 'belief' and 'believing.' I cried when they saw the Northern Lights. I cried when they got their words punched into their tickets. I cried when the kid got the jingle bell on Christmas morning. I was a big Polar cry baby. It was quite the boo-hoo fest about belief. Sometimes I don't know what to believe, the things you can't see, the things you can, both, neither, the things that will hurt the most, the easy way that hurts the least?
The thing about trains...
it doesn't matter where they're going.
What matters is deciding to get on.
- the Conductor
I went to see the wise woman today. We talked about a great many things. I have a hard time letting love in. I have a hard time letting sincere praise in. I have a hard time believing I deserve to be treated nicely. I let people who have a negative opinion of me stay too close for too long, people who don't "believe" who don't belong at my side. Have compassion for the non-believers, but they don't have to be the ones next to you.
We talked about something I'm very good at. I do try to be of service when I teach, I said, but I feel like my ego comes with me in front of the room. The wise woman corrected me. She said it's not ego, it's confidence. It takes faith in one's self to work in front of a room, faith in one's message, faith in one's abilities, and confidence that one has the talent to deliver. Later in the day the picture of Meryl Streep (above) showed up in my Instagram. I got it.
No one is accusing Meryl Streep of being egotistical. They award her for her talents, and she has the self-worth to say that no one can do what she does exactly the way she does it. I need to learn that lesson. Having self-confidence is different than having an out of balance ego. It's ok to believe that no one can do what I do exactly the way I do it. That's an uncomfortable belief, but it feels right at the same time.
As far as my beliefs about science, magic, faith, logic and all that?
The women today did some serious energy work on me.They raised my sad vibration. Right now I'm lifting my life up to the angels. I'll refer back to
Into the Woods...
Everybody makes
one another's
terrible mistakes.
Witches can be right.
Giants can be good.
You decide
what's right.
You decide
what's good.
- Cinderella and the Baker
...and hope for the best. I don't have to go it alone. I have people next to me who believe. Some believe in God. They believe in goodness. They believe in magic. They believe in options. They believe in angels. They believe in me. I have to believe in me too, not in an ego-way, but in a confident way.
Angels, magic, transformation, a way where there seems to be none, miracles, qi, dreams, higher powers, healing, the divine, truth, light...
Seeing is believing,
but sometimes
the most real things
in the world
are the things
we can't see.
- the Conductor