feeling fair

toothpastefordinner.com

My life is coming back.
I can feel it.

I remember last summer while Marni and I were watching seasons 6 and 7 of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer how I identified with Buffy Summers' lack of enthusiasm for life. She sang about "going through the motions" and how nothing seemed to penetrate her heart.

I identified with her.
I felt like I was going through the motions of life,
trying to do the things I once liked,
hoping the activities would stimulate some sort of enthusiasm in me.

Just now I looked back at a bunch of old posts on this blog.
Running theme?
TIRED
lack of energy
NO MOTIVATION
exhaustion
NOT WANTING TO MOVE...

"I wish I were more motivated.
Well, maybe motivation is not what I lack.
Considering what I accomplish in a day,
only a fraction of which
is actually reflected in my pay check,
I think I'm pretty darned motivated.

I just wish I were
looking forward to my day more.
I wish I could
experience more joy
in the moment."
- Me in this blog 4/09/08

Here's another telling excerpt...

"I don't FEEL like taking care of myself.
I don't feel inspired to do the daily chores
of making my surroundings livable,
of caring for my nutritional needs,
of getting oxygen and exercise.

I will go through the motions
and HOPE that the feelings come
and even if they don't
I will persist.

If I acted on my feelings today
I'd lay around all day playing
with my kittens
and
schmoozing around with my cats,
wasting time online,
moping,
watching TV,
regretting that
I'm not doing my chores."
- Me on this blog 8/13/08

Wow.
My life was slipping away and all I could do was blame myself for being unmotivated.
Then again you will see my ongoing inkling that my health had LOTS to do with my energy level.
I exercised in hopes that it would GIVE me energy.
It didn't.

I lost weight in hopes that I would be naturally perky.
I wasn't.

I ate virtually NO FAT in my diet for over 2 years.
It didn't help (it hurt).

A pot of coffee in the morning
and energy shots throughout the day
chased by diet soda
and Ritalin
gave me some temporary lift.
You can't push your adrenals forever.
Mine crapped out.

But I'm not drinking caffeine any longer.
I'm off coffee and caffeinated tea as of last week.
I haven't had soda in months.
I rarely take a Ritalin.

And I'm surviving!

I also have great hope that I'll have enthusiasm for life again real soon.
Instead of chemically inducing the thrill of living I might just experience some actual thrill!
Life may become delightful once again.

Hey wait.
Was it ever delightful??

I don't even remember.
I think I was delighted in 8th grade for a while.

According to this blog I've been delighting in the expectation of a new life for the past three years.
Ok.
Here it is, my life, unfolding
summer by summer
change by change.

Tonight is the last night of the Meadowlands Fair for 2009.
Marni and I are going.

If given the choice of sitting home and renting a movie on demand
vs.
going to the fair?
I pick the fair.

That's got to count for something, right?

Looking forward to some delight
tonight!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This is where we'll be in a couple of hours!
No rides for me.
Well, the wheelchair IS a ride if you think about it...lol.
Just not as thrilling as the ferris wheel!
click here or click below