taller

Between yesterday morning and now
I somehow grew about 2 inches.

Not literally.
If you took a measuring tape and measured me, I'd still be just under 5'2",
same as I've been since 8th grade,
but in some other sense of the word,
I got taller.

I was fussing around the kitchen just now preparing for New Year's Eve company, and I noticed that my face was a few inches higher than it was just a day ago. I was looking down at my stove top and it seemed farther away than usual. I went to put an ice tray in the freezer and my face was higher than it usually is in relation to the freezer's contents.

I noticed this last night but I thought I was just tired and imagining things.

I still may be imagining things.

And I haven't even had a cocktail yet.

It's kinda cool to be up so high.
I hope it lasts.

I'll write about New Year's resolutions tomorrow.
For now, I'm going to sizzle up some felafel and perogies!

Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

Love,
Lisa
...
..
.

What I told a friend

 
You know that we teach best what we most need to learn??
This is what I told a friend tonight after we inhaled some brilliant 
essential oils and did some spontaneous Qi gong...

Stop that.
Think about something else.

Do you want that to come true?
Then why are you dwelling on it?
When you catch yourself having those kinds of thoughts,
paranoid,
negative,
jealous,
fearful,
angry,
judgmental,
or crazy in a bad way,
think about something else.

Sure you can try to just "be"
or try to sit in stillness,
but usually you're very agitated by the time you get to that point and it's easier, almost necessary, to actually REPLACE the unwanted thought pattern with a thought or scenario that is more desirable.

For instance, what do you want to happen tomorrow?
You can invent your day.
How about at work?
Tell the universe that you want to meet people so you can learn from them or heal them or to have light shed on your path in life.

Do you want to be happy?
Then picture yourself happy.
Do you want to make lots of money on your shift?
Then picture getting lots of money.
What situations do you want to get into?

When you find yourself dwelling or ruminating on negative thoughts, catch yourself.
Remind yourself that you have a choice.

Choose the life you want to live by imagining it, picture it going well, picture yourself how you want to be.
Hell, if you have to think about gumdrops and lollipops, think about those.
Don't be stuck with thoughts you don't want or you'll be stuck with a life you don't want.

Once you've imagined a brighter way of being
ask Spirit to use you.
See what happens.
...
..
.

Not about exercise

I wanted to write about exercise,
how to knock down soreness with Epsom salt baths,
how to ease inflammation with gelatin powder,
how aspirin can be your best friend,
and how sleep can be a better energy booster
than caffeine.

I wanted to write about building one's fitness level,
about trying new things,
about not letting the "I can't" thoughts win
over the truth of "you can."

But no.

Lying awake in bed just now
staring at my 1980's lacquer-look dresser,
I had to make a hard decision.
I may have to discontinue my health insurance.

I wish I could magic more money into my life immediately (I can but my thoughts about money are too heavy and misaligned) in time to save it but I have to be practical.
I hate being practical.
It smells like defeat.
sigh

The $515 a month is too much.
Dammit, I hate admitting that, but it may be the truth right now.
I need that $515 a month to pay off the bills that insurance didn't cover
for TWO knee replacement surgeries.

I've had my landline phone off the hook for days to avoid the collection calls.
A temporary and effective strategy to be sure, but temporary none the less.

I keep telling myself the true affirmation
"I pay my bills"
I keep imagining money coming my way.
I use the words
"Money comes to me easily and often.
Money comes to me from places I don't even expect."
and it's proven to be true in the past.
I DO believe it,
but that doesn't mean I'm going out to
buy a Cadillac Escalade tomorrow based on
my faith in money-blessings.
(but really
if I hit the lottery I'd just buy a luxury Rav 4.
I love Rav 4s! haha)

Sometimes the law of attraction takes time.

Sometimes our heads make a "thing"
like money or love
too big and scary.
This puts us out of alignment with that thing.
Our feelings of not deserving "it" keep us from
being blessed in that area.

I got my new knees.
That was why I wanted health insurance in the first place.
I got what I wanted.
I'm out of the wheelchair with two new space-age knees.
Now, I have to pay off what insurance didn't cover on my three surgeries (remember the surgery to correct the necrotic tissue after my left knee replacement. Two knee replacements and one emergency surgery = 3 surgeries).

It was nice to have health insurance.
That sense of security was great.
Paying less for prescriptions was good (I only use insulin now anyway...I'm not an amber bottle person, thank God).
Let's hope NJ Protect is still in place when I go to purchase  health insurance in the future.
And let's hope it's the near future.

And let's hope I won't need hospital care between now and then.

Leia: "We've lost lateral controls." 

Han: "Don't worry, she'll hold together. 

You hear me, baby? Hold together!"

Damn damn damn.

Ah well.

I gotta do what I gotta do.

I sure wish I was talking about working out with weights

instead of money issues.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*

Weight loss is not as simple as eating less or exercising more to create a calorie deficit. Intentional weight loss not only doesn't work but is very dangerous from both a physical and psychological health point of view. Matt Stone explains....

click here or click below

Meet Me January 15th in Rochelle Park, NJ

Wanna hear my story live and in person?
I will share with you the basics of goal setting, stress reduction, essential oil therapy and some nutritional changes you can make to increase energy
AND
you get to meet Andrew!
We'll be presenting our first in a series of seminars at
Trento's Martial Arts and Fitness in Rochelle Park, NJ (near Paramus...easy to get to from the Garden State Parkway or Rt 17...10 minutes from New York City) on

Sunday
January 15th 2012
1:00pm
DISCOUNT on advance tickets!
$65 at the door
$50 in advance

This will be a New Year's themed seminar with basics in creating a foundation for wellness.
We'll talk a bit about nutrition,
we'll pass around essential oils to help relieve stress and other unwanted issues
and to open the mind and heart to learning.
We'll talk about goal setting and goal reaching.
We'll be conducting a full group relaxation session WITH hypnosis to help you make and solidify positive changes in your life.

I've learned that New Year's resolutions require reinforcement. The cliche says that it takes 21 days to form a habit.
In my experience, it takes a bit longer
BUT
habits can be changed!
You are not stuck being a smoker or a junk-food addict or a nail biter or insomniac.
Your body and mind are pliable.
Things change in conformity with will.
We can teach you how to enact that will and make yourself better.

I finally feel like I'm ready to help people make transformations in their lives.
It's time for me to share my story live, in person.
It's time for me to use my skills to help people develop their own skills and write the successful part of their own stories.

The Qi will be flowing that day, big time.
I have a super-compassionate Qi.
Andrew has a massive Qi.
We can practice healing arts on anyone who wants to direct their trajectory toward wellness.
I call it a "healing ministry" because I find it necessary to lay hands on people.
Totally optional of course, lol.

Mainly, there will be talking, teaching, speaking and coaching.

Remember I thought I had to be thin and perfect before I got up in front of a room like this and spoke?
I guess the universe has other plans.
Turns out you don't have to be a red-carpet movie star to be a healer or a teacher or a coach or a compassionate ally.
Turns out all you have to be is sincere and have an experience to share.
I've seen it from other speakers.
Many experts know only 15% more about a topic than their audience.
I think I have a bit more than that.
I have a LOT more than that.

And I'm going to pass it on to you.
I won't keep it all to myself any longer.

Email me for details and to make your reservation.
BelovedIdeas@yahoo.com

Be well.
...
..
.

Go if you must

"I happen to believe 
that there is a huge fundamental difference
between eating less and exercising more 
as a RESULT of something
(change in diet, 
change in metabolism, 
increased insulin/leptin sensitivity,
change in attitudes a
nd relationship with food/exercise) 
than eating less and exercising more 
consciously
despite being hungry as hell and exhausted. 
And the science, 
with the hormone leptin especially, 
fully backs this up 
(keep pumping leptin into a rat 
and they can literally starve to death 
even surrounded by tasty food)...

...In fact, in the category of weight regulation,
for those that incur a significant negative health burden 
from carrying excess body fat 
(keeping in mind that the health risks 
normally equated with being overweight 
are blown WAY out of proportion), 
my primary emphasis 
has been on finding a way to trigger 
automatic and spontaneous fat loss. 
In other words – losing body fat
without being hungry 
relying on cheap, 
potentially harmful, 
impractical,
and unsustainable methods 
such as absurd quantities of exercise..."

- Matt Stone in The Calorie Myth Part 2

Amazing how we are when it comes to people

who disagree with us.

I posted this status today on Facebook:

"Did I just drop 40 pounds by eating sandwiches?? No. Big No. #JaredFromSubwayHasAYeastyGut"

and within seconds I lost 3 friends, presumably from the Fat/Size Acceptance community.

So I passive aggressed and Tweeted this:
"Oh, look. Fat Acceptance people are unfriending me on Facebook cuz I mentioned that I lost 40 pounds! #LikeIGiveAShit"

and within seconds lost 6 followers on Twitter.

Let me explain something...again.
I don't tout this as a Fat Acceptance blog.
HOWEVER, I do believe that changing for the better,
getting healthier,
forming healthy habits,
DOES BEGIN WITH SELF ACCEPTANCE,
including the acceptance of one's size.

By "acceptance" I mean one should be OK with one's body as if a Fairy Godmother were to wave a magic wand and say,
"I will give you abundant energy,
really strong limbs,
the ability of a 20 year old champion athlete,
radiant health,
flexibility and mobility
under one condition,
the appearance of your body will not change."

If one can say, "Wave that magic wand, Lady!!"
Then one is accepting of one's size.

If getting healthy is just a ruse to get smaller so that one can enjoy thin privilege, then that is not a size accepting way to go about making changes.

I consider most incidences of obesity (especially in the I-wanna-get-WLS community),  to be an inflammatory condition in response to stress (especially calorie restriction and improper exercise) and environmental influences (shitty, processed foods, especially PUFAs).
Is that prejudicial of me?

By Fat Acceptance standards, probably yes.
It implies that through dietary changes (NOT calorie or macornutrient restriction), stress reduction, and spiritually enlivening movement, one's body will metabolically heal and one will lose extra weight (or gain it if underweightness is a concern).

Shorthand of that is
if you do certain things you will  most likely burn fat and become leaner and stronger.
This, of course is heresy in the fat acceptance universe.

In order to be size accepting I guess I am expected to agree that some people are just naturally fat (some are, most aren't), that one can be healthy even when one is in the morbidly obese category (depends on how you want to define health) and one's size has nothing to do diagnostically in determining health!
Sorry, no.

I just happen to believe that one can be even healthier if the underlying conditions that are contributing to too much (tricky to define "too much", I know)  fat storage are discovered and dealt with. Systemic balance is the goal.

I dropped about 40 pounds or so after this last knee replacement in July 2011.

Most people are saying it's because I'm moving more.
That's not the whole story.
Since April of 2011 I've been working with one of the best rehabilitative nutritionists in the country.
I actually gained some poundage prior to my surgery by following a rehabilitative diet.
Yes, I gained weight on a diet.
The diet was meant to heal my hypothyroid-like symptoms and get my energy back online.
It took months for that to happen.

When the stress of my knee surgery was over and I began moving (physical therapy) the weight began to fall off of me.
I dropped 2 dress sizes.
I have a waist.

It took months of force feeding myself just the right foods, including full fat raw milk, full fat raw cheese, bone broths, gelatin powder, fruits, fruit juices, ice cream, white sugar, salt, whole eggs, shellfish, coconut oil...
yeah, not your average diet, eh?

I took flack from strangers and blog readers about my nutrition choices despite evidence that I was succeeding - my increased energy, cured anemia, renewed interest in life, etc.

Now, with my metabolism coming back online, my body is burning the fat that it no longer needs (cuz I'm no longer starving) and guess what?
I want to talk about it.

I spent most of my life dieting, starving, craving, binge eating, suffering because of mainstream crap information regarding nutrition and weight loss.
After years of trying to be healthy (sometimes trying just to be thin and sometimes just to be able to get out of bed in the morning) I think I can say I know a way that works.

Hey, maybe I need to wait 3 years before I open my mouth and talk about what I'm doing (I won't wait) just to be sure it's producing long term results, but then again I started eating the WAPF way in 2009 around this time of year. That means I started getting good fats and many inflammation reducing foods (plus a few inflammatory foods, but bear with me here...) like gelatin rich bone broth into my body 2 years ago.

Well, looky at me now
and I'm not even in full force
with how well I will become.

I wish I could say I'm sorry to those who were offended by my "bragging" about losing 40 pounds.
I'm not.
My 40 pound drop is about so much more than becoming smaller.
If you don't want to stick around to see how my story turns out?
B-bye.

It's a shame that you are so offended by something that has nothing to do with fat-shaming or calorie restriction.

I really am about wellness.

If it doesn't appear that way to you, then I guess you have to block me and go.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Obesity is starvation.
Yep.
Let Matt Stone explain it to you.
click here or click below

I've spent the better part of the day dismantling my office and kitchen so the painters can do their thing first thing in the morning.

I am happy that this mandatory apartment painting has forced my hand to renew my Qi in that part of the house. It is SO coincide-al that the old desk and chair were replaced (Thank you, Michael and Robert :-) and the energy was stirred up last week, then BAM! The painters show up at my door with a work order (follow up from the state inspection months ago).

It is liberating to dump pounds and pounds of unnecessary crap - old spices, salts, papers, office crap, shelving, software disks, containers, and boxes - and just let go, denying that hoarder instinct.

Thank God for my friends who helped me haul stuff out to the front lawn, the dumpster, the car, etc.
Thank goodness for my ability to bend, stretch, lift, vacuum and mop!

Hidden blessings all around :-)

...
..
.

Qi paint

Amazing how the universe works with us when we're aligning with Spirit and making our visions come to life.

Last week my beloved friends helped me to gut my office (half my kitchen), toss out my old beat up computer desk and computer chair, and assemble a new desk and chair.

They didn't "help" me do it. 

They did it for me.

Yes, I am blessed.

This kitchen hasn't been painted since I moved in back in 1993.

It's dingy, and gross.

I always told myself that it would be too much trouble to move everything out of the kitchen to have them come in and paint.

Well, the universe decided that I needed to get the office Qi flowing with a new paint job whether I liked it or not.

Two workmen showed up at my door with a work order announcing that they were here to paint my kitchen.

Huh?

When the State of NJ came to inspect the apartments two months ago they decided that my chipped paint on my kitchen ceiling was against the law. 

Nobody told me this.

They informed my landlords that by law they needed to paint and repair certain things in the apartments here (garden apartment complex in suburbia...couldn't be cuter).

The property management company didn't inform me.

The workmen showing up at my door was a surprise.

I wasn't ready for them.

They were nice as can be.

They'll be coming back on Tuesday to paint my gross kitchen and make it new-looking again.

Looks like the universe has decided that I am strong enough to haul everything out of here so they can paint.

Looks like Spirit really wants me to work in a nice, clean, fresh environment.

Looks like the Qi will be flowing in 2012.

I think it's a sign that it's time to get my book done!

"And this shall be a sign unto you..."

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you for caring.

Be well.

xoxoxooxox

...

..

.

Good Grinch

"At the bottom of the heart 

of every human being, 

from earliest infancy 

until the tomb, 

there is something that goes on 

indomitably expecting, 

in the teeth of all experience 

of crimes committed, 

suffered, and witnessed, 

that good 

and not evil will be done."

- Simone Weil

I always knew the Grinch was good deep down.
He wasn't the villain he was drawn to be.
As I child I knew this.
The way he reacted to Cindy Lou Who was the dead giveaway of his goodness.
When she came into the living room and caught him stuffing the tree up the chimbley,  he was nervous.
He was biting his nails.
He had a guilty look on his face.
He looked like he realized he was doing something wrong.
You have to know right from wrong in order to feel guilt.

His reaction to her made me believe he had good in him.
When she walked into that living room cooing like a dove he could have picked her up and drop kicked her back into her room, but he didn't.
He got her a cup of water and patted her on the head.

I know, I know, you cynics are saying if he had drop kicked Cindy Lou Who who was no more than two, she would have alerted the Who grown ups and he'd be caught and that his behavior was merely his attempt to keep his cover whilst he sabotaged the Who Christmas.

Hey, he's the Grinch. He could have smashed her like a bug (she has antennae for Heaven's sake),
tied her up and gagged her, stuffed her into his sack, locked her in a cupboard or any number of terrible things. He didn't.

I always saw him as a misunderstood character who was lonely and felt left out when he looked down from Mount Crumpet on the Who Christmas Sing.
He felt excluded.
What he needed was to be loved.
Just like the happy ending at the end of a Charlie Brown Christmas when they all embrace Charlie Brown into the fold and sing together, all the misunderstood loner really wants is to be accepted.

I'm not a misunderstood loner by any means.
I have wonderful friends, a huge family, and a large extended family, great colleagues and students.
Ok, maybe the misunderstood part is true,  lol.

But for the past 15 or so years I've come home late on Christmas Eve and sat crying in my living room while I wrapped presents, usually while watching my Rankin Bass and Seuss Christmas specials, feeling like an excluded loner.
Christmas Eve is the holiest night of the year.
Its specialness made me cry.
The sadness over my emotionally difficult childhood (and especially difficult Christmases whist living home) made me cry.
My feeling like I deserved to be alone made me cry.

Then I'd go to bed hoping for Santa, and  I'd wake up and go to my parents' on Christmas morning to open presents and eat my father's famous buttery scrambled eggs and all would be right with the world again.
Kind of a pathetic pattern of infernal boo hooing on the Holiest Night of the Year.

This year something changed, a miracle happened really.
I prayed so hard for something.
I did what 'The Secret' and spiritual healers like Joel Goldsmith tell you never to do:
I begged God for something.
I didn't just do it once, I did it several times, as if God hadn't heard me the first time or as if God didn't know my heart.

I prayed with the sincerity and humility of the Winter Warlock on the Christmas Eve when Kris Kringle and Lady Jessica were married in the snowy forest because no church would have them.
Winter Warlock prays up to God, "Please, please can I have just a little magic..."
and God grants him enough magic to light up the Christmas trees for the wedding.
(bawling my eyes out just thinking about it).


Well, I did just that. I tearfully prayed for something (perhaps in the future I'll tell you what it was :-p)
and got my Christmas wish.
Maybe this means I won't be crying tomorrow night ;-)

Last year's hospital Christmas broke the spell.
No more crying Christmas Eves....I hope.

I am grateful beyond belief.

And now, to wrap presents!!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I said I'd watch a video per day by Josh Rubin beginning back in October.
I did.
Let's hope some of this has sunk in!
Here it is, the last one I'm posting for now (till he puts up a new one).
Myofascial Stretching: The Piriformis
click here or click below

Reader Backlash

"Every person,
all the events 
of your life, 
are there
because 
you 
have drawn them there. 
What you choose to do 
with them 
is up to 
you"

- Richard Bach in Illusions

Only a few of you responded to yesterday's blog with what I sorta expected.
You say that not everyone has successful surgeries like I had,
or that some folks have mobility issues and can't help but need a scooter,
or that I should be careful not to imply that "attitude is everything".

And now I'm going to respond to you emphatically:
attitude is everything.

Don't make me put that in all caps.

One of you even had the nerve to tell me that Will is not as causative as I'm implying since we cannot Will the body to run on French Perfume for instance, and that some things are just scientific fact and can't be overridden by our intentions.

I'm sorry, did you think that pounding your keyboard and asserting that facts are stronger than our imaginations was going to get through to me?
Really.

Here's how y'all misread me.
You think that I'm talking about Dumbledore-style magic where you can wave a magic wand and make severed limbs regrow or something,
or that I'm implying that a botched surgery can be magically fixed with positive thinking.
You read me too literally
and
you probably did so because you are unwilling to admit that you have power in the world, power over your body, power to shape your circumstances and power over your own feelings.

Does this mean that I expect you to never get your feelings hurt?
No. My feelings get hurt all the time. 
Or that I expect you to wave your hands like Obi Wan and make police officers miss your car when you're speeding?
Or that kids born with spina bifida have bad attitudes?
That's not what I meant.

I meant we have choices, constantly.
We choose how to approach life, we choose how to respond, we choose our level of effort.
Go to YouTube and search for Kyle Maynard or Katy Sullivan or Aimee Mullins or Patrick Henry Hughes if you want to see how people can triumph over adversity.

When I needed to, I rode an electric wheelchair.
When I needed crutches, I used them.
When I decided to have knee replacement surgeries, I told all my holistic naysayers to shut the f*ck up about regrowing cartilage and get me to the operating table.
I made the hard decisions I needed to make to get myself where I think I deserve to be.

Attitude is our approach to life.
Our attitude is the aroma of our hearts.
It is not about superhero fantasy ability.
It is about making the best of what we've got.

Don't misread me so that you can tell yourself there's nothing you can do about your current circumstances.
Be smart, will ya?

What I'm saying is that
will,
determination,
attitude,
positive thinking,
law of attraction,
prayer,
focus,
and intention
are powerful forces in the world
that are available to you
whenever you choose to use them.

The way they are used will vary from person to person.
Some of us need to get out of a job we think we're trapped in.
Some of us need to get up out of wheelchairs.
Some of us need to get up out of debt.

Whatever the situation that you're trying to argue with me about,
a situation that seems like an unmovable mountain,
can be changed.
Changing your attitude about an obstacle  in life makes the obstacle change.

Whatever limitation you're married to in your thinking
will stay married to you as long as you keep reinforcing it with your thinking, speech, attitude, and argument.

I'll say it again and won't stop saying it:
if wellness is what you want deep down in your soul and with every fiber of your being,
you will be well.

If being well from a mobility scooter is the wellness you envision, then be well from a mobility scooter!
Some of us are older than others. Some of us are amputees for heaven's sake. I'm not telling you that wellness has to be the same for everyone.

What I am telling you is that what you envision to be true, to be possible, to be rightly yours...
what you deep down believe, is what you are setting up as the benchmark for your own reality.

Don't waste your energy arguing with me about your limitations.
Spend your energy believing that you can be whatever you envision to be truly possible (don't try to envision growing wings and flying off the Queensboro Bridge, please).

Take a look at your current circumstances.

Consider these words:
"If it's never your fault, you can't take responsibility for it.
If you can't take responsibility for it,
you'll always be its victim."

Does that make sense?

If you can't be an inspiration to others (but you can)
then empower yourself.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I was told that for a woman my size and having two prosthetic knees I'd probably need a cane for the rest of my life. I rebuked that devil of an idea.
My faith was stronger than my circumstances.
I pray that yours can be as well.
click here or click below

From Wheelchair to Walking

"The difference 

between 

the

impossible 

and 

the

possible 

lies in one's

determination."

- Tommy Lasorda

One year ago today
I had my right knee totally replaced.
One year ago today I was lying in a hospital
high on morphine
and wondering if I'd ever walk again without a cane.

After recovering from the right knee replacement (I say that like it was easy. It wasn't.) I still couldn't walk without crutches. I needed to get the left knee replaced too.

It is now 5 months after my left knee replacement and one year after my right knee replacement.
DO YOU SEE A CANE IN THIS PICTURE?
Crutch?
Wheelchair?
No, you don't.
That's because I wanted (still want) to walk so badly that I was willing to give up my addiction to pain and weakness and let some major blessings in.
I also did plenty of work in physical therapy.

Now, you're thinking that I'm being hard on folks who don't recover as well as I did by implying that I WANTED it more intensely than they did.
I'm not being hard on you. I have great compassion for you.
If you are holding on to pain and weakness it's because of something in your heart that is not ready to accept your innate healing ability and the miracles (doing its job) it can bring.
This is a form of self protection and care. I understand. I lived it!

I saw so many people sad and in pain when I was in hospital and in physical therapy there.
All they talked about was their pain and weakness.
Why?
It gets them (us) sympathy.
It gets us out of doing things we don't like (our jobs for instance).
It covers confrontation for us (being disabled means we can often guilt people into not being mean to us).
It buys us time.
It buys us consideration.
It buys us rest.
It buys us all the things we don't feel entitled to ask for otherwise.

When many clients of mine talk about an injury or chronic pain they always accompany the complaint with how busy and overwhelmed they are. They run themselves ragged. They have so much to do. They have no time to soak in an Epsom salt bath. They do do do for others but not themselves.
When they get "sick" or are laid up they get to rest, get others to tend to them, get to stop doing for others, and get some much needed recovery time, you know, actual down time.

I'll point out to them that they don't seem to want to advocate for themselves unless they've run themselves into the ground, that they seem to believe that they needed to break before they'd take care of themselves or ask others to take care of them. Only in their broken state do they feel ok with reciprocity.
It's hard work to convince one's self that one is entitled to kindness, care, rest, recovery and attention when one has taken on the role of over-doer in life.

Canes, crutches and wheelchairs served their purpose for me. In a practical way they allowed me to get around in the world and do my job(s). In a spiritual way they taught me the power of my own determination to overcome the obstacles of disability. In a psychological way they bought me some kindness in this wearying world.

So shines a good deed in a weary world.

But I can't do all the things I want to do in a wheelchair-ed state.
I wanted to feel my feet hit the ground.
I want to do Qi Gong.
I want to travel.
I want to heal and teach people how to heal.
I want to teach on my feet.
I want to stand up for all that.

Today I took another standing shower. I've been taking more of those lately..
I feel so "able" when I stand in the shower. I feel so able when I stand and walk out in the world.
Small moves can be big moves when you've spent years on your ass.

Do I still have obstacles to overcome?
Of course I do.
My left leg needs to be stretched out.
I still have fatigue issues (greatly improving by the way) to deal with.
Aches and pains and all the quirks of conditioning two legs that lost
ligaments with the knee replacements still make life a challenge.

Life was going to be a challenge even if I stayed on the sofa playing it safe.
I may as well take my challenges head on from a standing position.

One year ago today I'm not sure I even saw myself coming this far this fast.
Of course I had help from loved ones, experts, mentors, and suppporters.
I am fortunate in that area,
but fortune has to be accepted.
Grace can't touch us if we're hiding in our own sadness, stuck in what we feel is safe.
We can pull over to the shoulder of life and stay still on the side of the road but we can still be sideswiped by an 18 wheeler.
Safety is an illusion.

I hope that any and all who suffer, who hang on to pain because they need what pain will buy them, will consider letting go of it, just to see what happens, just to see what's possible.

If for no other reason, but to be an example to others, to show them that they can throw away their pain meds and canes and take a lap or two around the track (that idea should appeal to those do-for-others types!)

Life isn't safe.
No one gets out of here alive.
Might as well live.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Hmm. I wonder how much of this explains my left ankle/hip issues.
I wonder if I really have a shorter left leg (I don't think I do but I need a better evaluation).
A major goal is to make it out to Carlsbad, California to work with the Rubins!
click here or click below

A Knee Versary

"Knees represent Pride. 
In spiritual practice it is suggested that 
one must go down before one can rise up, 
as Jesus did before John the Baptist, 
before taking up his own ministry. 
Pride or Ego keeps us from surrendering 
to the Will of God 
or the Universe. 
In practice, every time we move forward in Life 
or approach change, 
we approach the unknown. 
We may feel vulnerable or unsure. 
We may stand still, 
stiff kneed resisting the winds of change. 
It is interesting to note that stiff, sore knees 
are a symptom of Kidney deficiency, 
whose emotion is Fear. 
Rather than admit our fear,
we resist it until it overwhelms us. 
While knees represent Pride, 
and it is said that 'Pride goes before the fall',
knees can also represent Humility 
which is the wisdom 
to be yielding in the face of change...

...Stubborn ego and pride. 
Inability to bend. 
Fear. Inflexibility. 
Won't give in.

Affirmation: 
I am flexible and flowing. 
Forgiveness. 
Understanding. 
Compassion. 
I bend and flow 
with ease 
and all is well."

- Louise Hay's 'Heal Your Body'

It is the day before my one year anniversary of my right knee replacement.
Last year's Christmas was rough.
Yes, I had my beloved Christmas angels who came to see me in the hospital on Christmas Eve but the bottom line is that I spent the late part of the Holiest night of the year alone in a hospital bed crying (and blogging about how I was making the best of it).

But what  Christmas present it was: a brand new knee!
Then for the next biggest holiday of the year (my birthday...haha)
I got the other knee done.
Any regrets?
Nope.

Today I tried a new pedicure place.
A lady in the chair next to me struck up a conversation.
Now, usually I like to daydream while my feet and legs are getting massaged but I recognized Spirit asking something of me.
She wanted to know if 'those scars' on my legs meant I had total knee replacement.
I told her I had done both knees.

I knew better than to think the conversation was about me. She needed to unburden her heart.
She told me she was in chronic pain and had difficulty standing, walking, and even getting in and out of a car.
She said she knew she needed new knees but was afraid of the pain of surgery and the painful recovery.

I told her she deserved to be comfortable. I told her that the energy she was using to deal with the chronic pain was energy she could be using for other things. I told her the constant pain was blocking her from attracting future blessings.

She asked if I knew what therapeutic touch was.
I said I did.
She said her ladyfriend did some on her and it helped but the effects didn't last long.
I told her she should take care of herself and believe that she deserved to be comfortable and mobile.
I asked if she liked Jello (hey, get gelatin into her if I can!)
I asked if she took Epsom salt baths.
She said she couldn't get into the tub.
I told her to sit on the tub ledge and fill the tub with Epsom salt water,
then soak washcloths and bring the salty water up over her knees.

She asked me about how long the hospital stay was, about rehab and if I had any regrets.
Not a one.

She told me a doctor had said she should lose weight before getting the surgery. She said she thought that was foolish because she would probably have a better time losing weight if she could walk.

I agreed. I also convinced her that it was unethical for any doctor to make that sort of demand. She should ask if he was outright refusing to treat her because of her weight, then fire him and find a better surgeon.

Do you see a pattern here?
Feelings of being undeserving leading to lack of care leading to chronic pan leading to a diminished life.

Forgetting that we are children of the most high God, that we are spiritual beings learning all kinds of lessons, that angels are flapping their wings all around us...forgetfulness of how loved we are, leads to fear which brings pain.

I hope what I shared with her today leads her to find the care she needs to get herself mobile and moving forward in life.

I hope seeing me walk with ease with my two big-ass knee scars showed her that recovery is possible, full recovery is possible, and that it can open the door to a whole new way of living, hopefully a much better one.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
By avoiding "sugar" as you say will actually cause blood sugar dysregulation. When you say "sugar" what are you referring to as there are many kinds of sugar. I would say starches (glucose) containing foods like breads, etc will  make things worse and PUFA's actually damage the cells of the pancrease, stimulate cortisol, are antithyroid, block sugar from getting in the cell, inc insulin resistance, etc, etc. 
click here or click below

pebble time

"It is important to understand 
the demands of your situation, 
and not to expect success
in big things right now. 
The wise person recognizes
the nature of the time. 
So, know your own role, 
carefully attend to details
and act with humility, 
and you can achieve your goal 
even with few resources."

- Hexagram 62

Small things.
Details.
Being mindful of my interactions with others.

No grandiose moves or gestures.

Good, cuz I'm tired.
I also have about 230 papers to grade.
I'll pay attention to small matters
as the I Ching says.

Sometimes big learning
comes in small ways.

If you stack pebbles one at a time
bringing one pebble to the pile each day,
you will eventually have a hill.

I usually like to push boulders
with bull dozers
but the pebble method
probably does a better job of
building character.

We must understand the demands of the time in order to find the necessary offset for its deficiencies and damages. In any event we must not count on great success, since the requisite strength is lacking. In this lies the importance of the message that one should not strive after lofty things but hold to lowly things.
- 62: XIĂO GUÒ Across the small pass

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Stress, Cholesterol, estrogen, thyroxin and more...
When we're stressed our bodies release
cortisol, adrenaline, and estrogen goes up.
Our livers can't detoxify the estrogen when
we are under prolonged stress.
This interferes with fat burning.
There are plenty of other consequences
but folks seem to care about getting slim so,
sift through all the good info to get to what you want!
click here or click below

Finding Warrior 2

"When you inhale, 
you place your Qi in your dantien
(in the center of your abdomen.) 
You direct your Qi
through your mingmen point 
(on your lower back) 
passing through your weilu point 
(on your posterior) 
and through your back directly up to nirangong (on ?.) 
Then it goes down to your renzhong point 
(under your nose) 
and chijiao (upper palette). 
Then it goes through
your ren vessel 
and 
back down to your dantien again. 
Your Qi turns like a circle 
front and back
in these two vessels. 
The front is descending 
and the back is rising 
in a never-ending 
continuous circle."

- Venerable Shi Guolin in

Iron Body of the Iron Arhat

That article by Shi Guolin has changed me.
Thank God for change.

For the past week I've been unable to locate Warrior 2, a blend of oils that my ladyfriends, Andrew and I made especially for his students for Taekwondo competition season. He keeps a small bottle of the blessed oil (and when I say "blessed" I mean we prayed over it, blessed it, and Andrew put a Kia into it) at his dojang and, I carry the larger bottle with me wherever I go.
It brings focus, relieves pain, and helps to direct Qi if one is running energy.

How the hell did I lose this oil??
I looked everywhere for it.
I looked in my various tote bags,
my Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman bag,
in coat pockets,
in purses,
I even asked Andrew if I'd left it behind at his school.
Nope.
The oil had vanished.

The last time I remember seeing it was on my podium as my students took their final exam over a week ago. Had I left it at work?

This week was weird energy-wise.
I also made a mistake early in the week by being too easily offended by a remark made in jest then letting my stupid mouth retaliate with a careless comment. I'd been suffering ever since and attracting "punishment" from the universe.
Weird energy,
Stupid mistake.
Bad mojo.

Then yesterday happened.
The abs task at Toyota Universe led me to find the article by Shi Guolin while I blogged in the waiting area.
It renewed my purpose.
It reminded me of who I am.

I started practicing the Qi breathing exercise discussed in the article.
I've been running energy whenever I can using the technique even if it's in the car at a stop light.
It must have cleared something up in my spirit.

As I was getting ready for a yearly - and much missed for the past couple of years - sacred outing to NYC today (to hear the Boys' Choir at St. Thomas's on 53rd and 3rd) I reached into my black tote bag and THERE IT WAS!
Warrior 2 was in the the back seat of my car, in the outside pocket of my black tote bag, exactly where it was supposed to be.

This meant that I'd stuck my hand in that tote bag several times in my search and was NOT ABLE TO FEEL THE BOTTLE.

Warrior 2 blocked me because of my messed up Qi.
It wanted me to get out of my dark place and back into my spiritual practice.
Only after reading Guolin's article and running energy properly was I able to feel the bottle that was right where it belonged.

Smooth sailing from here, right?
Not exactly.
Spirit had other plans.

There was no room in the host's car so I had to drive my Alexandra (my 2010 Rav4) into NYC to the church. Mind you, this is the Sunday before Christmas. Manhattan was bumper to bumper.
Although I had followed our host car so closely all the way into NYC, I lost him when we were mere blocks from the church.
I was on my own.

Getting up a few city blocks was taking way too long. I couldn't make it to the parking garage at which we had planned to meet. I couldn't turn from Madison to 53rd.
It was a mess.
We ended up parking several blocks from the church, much farther than planned.

Parking in the garage took time.
We were late.
Now we had to walk,
fast walk,
to the church.
Could I do it in the cold with my sore ankle and cranky upper back?

The wind whipped the frigid air in our faces.
Pounding my sore ankle on the hard sidewalk was killing me.
I toughed it out best I could.
We walked 2 long blocks only to discover that we were walking in the wrong direction.
We had walked those agonizing arctic blocks for nothing.

"We're not going to make it," I said in defeat.

We walked the two cold, long blocks back to the starting point and still had several blocks to go in the correct direction to reach the church.

I can't do it, I said to myself.

Then I heard Andrew in my head asking,
"Can't??"

During this week of weird energy he had me doing my planks on...I'm going to say Wednesday.
Three quarters of the way through one of them I let my body drop.
"I can't do it," I complained.
"Yes you can," he said, "you just don't want to."

He was right.
I knew he was right.
I had more fight in me than that.
I gave up because it hurt and I didn't want to feel the pain at the moment.

He told me I'd have to do it again but do it right this time.

Now, you may be wondering why I would do it if I wasn't up to it?
Where does this have-to come from?
It's not like he can MAKE me do something I don't want to do, right?

Here's the thing,
you don't enter into an arrangement like this unless you agree to be pushed.
Sure I could pick up my stuff and storm out.
I could tell him No.
I could do any number of defiant things.
I could sass him.
Curse at him.
Look at him angrily.
Tell him I hate him (some of his clients do these very things, which I find inappropriate...will be blogging about that another time)
or complain or whatever.
But then why make the arrangement in the first place?

There is only one appropriate response to
"Do it again, right this time"
and that is
"Yes, Sir."

I don't remember if I gave him the 'Yes, Sir'
but I did the plank and I held it till he said I was done.
No regrets.

Now, here I was in NYC wanting to give up because it hurt.
I didn't want to keep walking
but I COULD keep walking.
So, I did.

We got into church late but still in time to hear the boys sing
In Dulce Jubilo, my favorite 14th century carol of Advent (I don't have any other 14th century carols for Advent on my favorites list, lol) which washed over me like heavenly rain.
The music was ecstatically beautiful.
I fell to my knees in gratitude.
Thank you, God.
Thank you for my legs.
Thank you for my life. 

There was plenty more pounding and walking for the rest of the day's activities.
I walked as if it didn't hurt.
It hurt but it wasn't going to kill me.
I felt myself getting stronger with every step,
more confident,
more like a person who walks without it being a crazy head trip
(if it weren't for crazy head trips, what would I blog about?? LOL).

As I walked from my car to the restaurant (3 long ass blocks in the cold)
I heard Spirit say to me,
"A Black Belt glides like a Marine on roller skates"
a sentence I had read years ago.
It stuck with me all these years..

"But I'm not a Black Belt and may never be,"
I said to Spirit in my head.

Then I heard that other voice in my head saying,
"A Black Belt is not just a thing of cotton around your waist,
but it is an attitude and a way of life!
And you know what,
a lot of Black Belts I know,
never even trained in martial arts!"

Thank you, other voice.

Being a warrior is all about attitude,
the attitude that allowed me to finally find
my bottle of Warrior 2,
or rather
to feel what was already there.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Shi Guolin runs energy so well he can...
oh, just watch.
click here or click below

Abs Task

"Here’s a dare for you.
Stand before an audience
of martial arts champions,
 masters and grandmasters.
Then challenge them
 to line up and hit you,
one by one,
as hard as they can.
Would you do it?
Of course not.
That would be suicide,
unless you’re a true master
of Iron Body....

...I still remember
when my grandfather taught me
wu bu zhui zhong*.
Since I was very young,
I didn’t really understand
its true meaning.
 I only knew practice, practice, practice.
But after eight long years,
I noticed that it increased
my power and energy.
I was very strong and very fast.
By age twelve, my power already surpassed
a normal adult.
Then I remember one time
after I became a monk,
I was playing around with
my shixiong (martial elder brothers.)
One of my shixiong accidentally hit me
with a staff and the staff broke.
It did nothing to my body.
Later, I allowed my martial brothers
 to use their fists and feet
to punch and kick me
on my
chest,
 ribs,
abdomen,
and
back.
 The more they punched and kicked,
where they struck me
I felt more energy,
more power, more qi.
I didn’t feel hurt at all."

- From Kung Fu Qi Gong Magazine's
 Iron Body of the Iron Arhat
A Shaolin Monk Reveals the Heart Under the Iron Shirt

Even though I resisted the urge to lean, I couldn't just stand there.

I am typing this in the waiting area of Toyota Universe while my beloved Rav4, Alexandra (named after Ben Linus's daughter on LOST), is getting her tires rotated and oil changed. I finally stopped sucking in my gut.

Here's the story...
When I pulled in to the service garage I had to stand next to a podium as the service dude looked up my appointment, took a phone call, pulled up my information, and printed out my vehicle history.
I caught myself leaning on his desk.
Remembering Dr. Joe's admonition not to hold on to things for support, I took my hands off the service dude's desk and stood up straight.

My lower back started to strain,
so I sucked in my gut to engage my core.
Let my abs do the work, I thought.

Of course I was bored as the service dude fussed with my records in the computer so I made my core-task a challenge. I set upon myself to keep my abs sucked in until he was finished and sent me to the waiting area.

With my gut sucked in,
my butt tucked under,
my knees loose,
and my breathing under control I stood their waiting,
reassuring myself that he'd be finished in a moment or so.

He talked, fussed and jotted things down while I stood with my core engaged.

Then he tried to upsell me.
He started to tell me why I needed my tires rotated.
I wanted to release my gut-suck and relax,
but I held on.
He walked over to the car and started pointing out the wear in my tire tread.

Oh, dear God, my gut muscles were burning.

Suck it in
suck it in
suck it in...
Don't let go
don't let go
don't let go...

I nodded and told him I understood what he was saying.
I patiently let him show me the difference in the tread wear on the front and back tires.

This was lasting longer than I anticipated.
I wanted to let go of my gut-hold.

"I can't do it" I said silently to myself.
"Yes you can!" said that part of me that says such things.

Service dude prattled on about tire wear
as I held my abs and my stance.

Yes you can
yes you can
yes you can...

I thought I would lose it.
I held on.

He printed out forms,
collated,
took his time finding his stapler -
or it seemed like he was taking his time -
then had me sign the contract.

I held my stance.

More shuffling.
More computer stuff.
Then finally he dismissed me to the waiting area.

I wanted to let go then,
but I held it till 
I took off my coat
and sat at this very computer.

Whew!
I can't even fathom how many minutes that was.
My gut burns but I don't care.

Hey, you don't get a strong core without using it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Does this mean I should get one of those giant balls so I can do a proper crunch?
I could go to Modell's after my car is done being serviced and buy one
or I could practice delayed gratification and wait till Josh tells me I really need one.
I hate practicing delayed gratification.
click here or click below


*Shaolin Xi Sui Jing (Tendon-Transformation and Marrow-Purification Classic): Venerable Shi Guolin attributes much of his iron body skill to Shaolin’s venerated qigong forms Yi Jin Jing (Muscle Tendon Change Classic) and Xi Sui Jing. It is said that Xi Sui Jing purges delusion and attachment from the mind and internal pollutants from the body, progressing us toward internal peace and external strength. When mastered, it transforms the flesh and blood body into an unassailable state like rock and iron. Here Guolin shares some basic exercises extracted from Xi Sui Jing.

Sequence One
1A. Double Hands Push the Gate (shuang shou tui men)
Push Forward. Focus the power along a straight line while holding your qi in your lower abdomen. Hold this position for three breaths, allowing your qi to stretch your arms through the bottom of your palms. Focus on opening the energy meridians of your entire body.

1B. A Concentration of Calm Energy (yi fan he qi)
Draw your hands towards your chest, bending your elbows and opening your chest with an inhalation. Your arms and shoulders should be in one line. Your inhalation creates tension to keep your palms apart. Breathe three times, and then continue directly to the next step. Focus the energy in your body.

1C. Stretch Arms and Open the Meridians (shen gong dian mai)
Spread your arms laterally, with your palms facing outward. Breathe three times. Focus on strengthening the energy and opening the meridians.

1D. Raise Both Arms Upward (xi tuo hai wei)
Arch your arms over your head and lock them in place while inhaling. Your arms should be slightly bent and your thumbs should face upward. Inhale deeply to fill your chest and stretch your body. Exhale slightly while maintaining this position. Look at your hands for three breaths. Focus on opening your stomach and balancing the yin and yang energy in your body.

Sequence Two

2A. Hold Arms Level with Palms Facing Downwards (yi zi tong huan)
Extend your arms horizontally while opening the chest with your inhalation. Exhale and sink the qi to your abdomen. Breathe three times. Focus on opening your three dantien points and completing the cycle of qi movement. In Xi Sui Jing, this movement is followed by 1D. Raise Both Arms Upward, then another movement called Calm the Mind and Sink the Qi (akin to 3B. Triple burner ? ? (san jiao da li)), then 1D. Raise Both Arms Upward again, then the next movement.

2B. Hold Arms Levels with Palms Facing Upwards (yi zi tong huan) Once more, extend your arms horizontally as you inhale and open your chest; however turn your palms to face upwards right before leveling your arms. Breathe three times and sink your qi.
Sequence Three

3A. Cross Legs with Arms Level (pan zou hun gong)
Raise your hands upwards so your forearms form a straight line as you inhale. Your palms face upward as if to lift your qi to fill your upper body. Your hands, qi and inhalation are all coordinated.

3B. Triple burner Flows Smoothly (san jiao da li)
Press your hands downward so your fingertips point at each other as you exhale. Your palms face downward as if to push your qi down into your lower abdomen. Again your hands, qi and inhalation are all coordinated. Visualize the qi circulating in your body like the shape of a yin yang, alternating between full and empty, up and down. Repeat this coordinating breathing cycle for three breaths.

From Iron Body of the Iron Arhat:
A Shaolin Monk Reveals the Heart Under the Iron Shirt
By Venerable Shi Guolin (translation by Gigi Oh and Gene Ching)
As featured in Kungfu Qi Gong Magazine March/April 2003 issue.
(click here)
..
..
.

Yes Temps

"...if the human body 
goes through the supply of something 
faster than it is being delivered,
the body downregulates metabolism
to slow down the rate 
at which it burns through stuff
(namely calories and nutrients)...

...In a world in which we have developed 
serious calorie phobia, 
carbohydrate phobia, 
fat phobia, 
couch potato phobia, 
saturated fat and cholesterol phobia, 
and more –
almost all women in today’s society 
have grown so accustomed 
to actively eating below appetite, 
with dietary restriction, 
and exercising vigorously 
that they don’t even realize 
that they are basically engaged in 
disordered eating...

... if you have a reduced morning body temperature 
(this is the most important time to check 
as this is the best indicator of your absolute lowest metabolic rate),
cold hands and feet 
(another powerful indicator of low metabolism), 
or other signs of a low metabolism 
(constipation, frequent infection, 
yeast issues, chronic fatigue, 
low sex drive, 
abnormal menstrual cycle, 
thinning hair, puffy eyes or water retention, 
poor fingernail growth, 
poor strength, hypoglycemia, and others) 
– the typical modern approach 
of beating yourself into submission 
with dietary restriction 
(even just being a health nut) 
and lots of “cardio” exercise 
will take you much farther away 
from a healthy metabolism.
It is counterproductive 
and worsens the underlying disorder."

- Matt Stone in Naturally Warmed Up

Does this mean I'll never do cardio?
Of courser I'll do cardio!
I WILL do cardio kickboxing classes and I DO intend to run and swim and hike.
I want to do all kinds of out-of-breath fun stuff,
just not till I've healed my metabolic insides
and gotten my inner furnace ability at peak.

I awake with temps in the 97s lately (sigh).
I think I look puffy. in the face.
My energy is not where I want it to be.
My appetite is poor.
My hair is still very thin.
I have ridges in my nails.

I've got a lot of healing to do.

I'm being more mindful of the ways inflammatory foods make their way into my mouth (my hands bring them  to my face and put them in my mouth).
I'm aware of my need to sleep more and nap more.
I need to make a commitment to Qi Gong for the stimulation of energy.
I know what I have to do I just have to do it.

On Monday Andrew and I have a skype session with Josh Rubin of East West Healing to modify and direct my physical therapy/workouts. Thank God Andrew is such a voracious learner. He'll help me to get better and better (Every day in every way I get better and better #affirmation).

Thank God the semester is over and I can sleep more.
Thank God for our innate ability to heal and regenerate.
Thank God for motivation, inspiration and the people who help generate that in my life.

Thank God for Epsom salt baths.

Temp right now is 98.4.
Things are looking up already!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Even my surgeon was cautious to warn me that another patient who is my size and age had her knees replaced but still needed the cane.
Um, no.
Those limits don't apply to me...cuz I say so!
click here or click below

Video Trauma

"Women have made great strides 

in the last few decades. 

However, the fact that millions of us 

still grimace 

when we look in the mirror

is a sign that we don't feel as good 

on the inside 

as one would think. 

Evidently, we still feel 

"not good enough". 

It's time to catch up! 

It's not enough to act entitled-

-we need to feel entitled."

 - Women's Campaign to End Body Hatred

Entitled.
That's exactly what I DIDN'T feel when I looked at the videos we took of my physical therapy/workout sessions. I felt the opposite of entitled. I felt undeserving, shamed, and unworthy.

In order for my functional medicine specialist (a nutritionist and an Occupational Therapist among other things) to make recommendations for my most efficient recovery, I figured it best for him to see what I've been doing with my personal trainer. All well and good...until I had to look at the videos.

You know how I get traumatized looking at pictures of myself? (click here)
Imagine my reaction to video.
Yeesh.

All I could see were my "flaws"
and I put "flaws" in scare quotes
because
roundness,
shape,
convex-ness,
fleshy-ness,
taking up space,
being not-flat,
voluptuousness,
etc.
are NOT flaws.

I see these things as flaws.
Then I turn those flaws into
unworthiness.
Then I feel such profound shame
I don't want to leave the house.

I almost didn't want to go to the Holiday Choir concert at SBHS tonight because I felt so ugly and inadequate I didn't want to embarrass the people I was with by their having to be seen with me.
Yeah, it's that bad.

How will I correct this?
By force.
(and by oils, affirmations, and self hypnosis).

The force of which I speak?
Forcing myself to say something nice about myself, even if I don't mean it in the moment.

I silenced the mean, critical voice by telling myself things that I wish I believed.
Hey, remember this:
the brain doesn't know the difference between falsity and fact.
It only knows what you tell it.

I looked at the video again and said in my head,

"Omg you are so cute!
How did you get so cute??"

"Wow, you radiate light and energy.
You really glow."

"I love the way you're shaped.
I bet people want to cuddle up to you and feel
how luxuriously fleshy you are."

"I bet holding  you would feel like
pure LOVE because of how adorably
you're shaped."

Notice the subtext in those affirmations.
The things I'm saying to myself show where
my weaknesses are,
where the chinks in my armour are
when it comes to self esteem.
The way I've conceived those affirmations it looks like
I'm trying desperately to convince myself that I'm
worthy of love,
respect,
admiration,
care,
affection
and happiness.

Affirmations in place, I then reminded myself of WHY I was doing those videos
in the first place.
I was showing PROGRESS to an expert who believes I
have what it takes to get well.
Progress meaning I spent 2 years in a wheelchair and on crutches
with naysayers telling me I was too FAT to ever walk right again.
(Thank you, naysayers for giving me the chance to prove you wrong.)
Progress. I've made progress.

I showed them, eh?
I'm doing better than just walking
I'm getting strong.

My goal is to walk the length and breadth of Disney World
with the person who is training me,
who is a Disney-park enthusiast,
and has better than capable legs (he'll be a fourth degree Black Belt in Taekwondo by the time we get to Orlando and will have earned the title of Master)
and lovely friends who have free  life-long passes to the park (yay!).
It would be great to be able to keep up.
It will be better than great to be the one who says,
"but the park doesn't close for another hour!!
Let's go see the _________!"
because I have so much energy and stamina.

Whatever reaction I have when I look at these videos,
I need to force myself  to see
a strong fighter,
a determined warrior,
a beautiful woman
and a girl who goes skipping
through theme parks
because she had the tenacity
to tough it out on the mats.

Tell yourself what you want to see
and you will see it.

Simple.
Let me learn to take my own advice!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Here I am!
Andrew Trento of Trento Martial Arts and Fitness
trains me with great care.
Now to work on believing I deserve it!
click here or click below

Wrist Qi

Today had a weird energy to it.
There was agitation in the air in my part of the world.

But the benefit of roiling energy is that there's an abundance of Qi to be harnessed, like waving a net at an atmosphere filled with butterflies.

My friend Jil hurt her wrist. She was wearing a carpal tunnel brace when she met me for dinner. I told her I'd help her when we got home.

We sat on the sofa and I summoned Qi to my hands, running the energy by visualizing it coming into my hands from the earth and sky. I used Ortho-Sport infused with Frankincense and Pan-Away oil and put my hands on her injury.
I imagined the inflammation leaving
and the pain subsiding
as I pulled light into her wrist.

She rubbed Christmas Spirit oil into her palms and inhaled.

I think I kept my hands on her for a five minutes, wrapping my hands around her wrist then pulling on her fingers to lead the stagnation out of her stiff hand.
When I released her she was able to bend her wrist and move her fingers.

Then we watched a movie and some 30 second Bunny Theatre.

She left my place a few minutes ago carrying the brace saying she no longer needed it, hand flexible, pain gone.

Thank you, Holy energy.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Organs refer to muscles.
I'm referring to a nice Epsom salt bath.
click here or click below