imagine that

"She's convinced herself
she's immortal
and so she is...


...Surely you know
that everything that exists
imagined
itself
into
existence."
- Sophie-Ann Leclercq,
Queen of Louisiana in True Blood

I need to imagine better.
Follow-through isn't that difficult for me once I have a plan.

I need to imagine more clearly.
I need to imagine a plan.

I used to be so incredibly self-propelled.
I had something to prove out in the world.
I was so ego-driven.
Now?
I just want to be happy.

The best part of my day so far was snuggling with my new kitten.
He purred and licked my face, neck, bosom and mouth, which is unusually affectionate for a kitten's first 24 hours in a new place.

I'm not sure I'll ever get tired of lying in bed with my sweet smelling, soft, cushy bedding nesting around a new baby kitten who purrs and snuggles into my neck.
As he was doing it I thought,
"This is what life is all about.
I want this all the time."

Right now I'm sitting at my computer. The kitten (his name is Christian Shephard after Jack Shephard's father on LOST) is a few feet away from me about to doze off for a kitten-nap. He had his first taste of farm milk today. Time for his full belly nappy-nap or "deepy-deep" as I've been saying to him.

Who does deepy deepies?
Christian does deepy deepies.

Noises from my neighbor's kitchen and a late summer breeze are coming in my window as I type. The fresh air smells great but not great enough to lure me outside. Really, I'm perfectly content to sit here and write.

I've said that before.
I've wondered what I would do if I hit the power ball and never had to work again.
Besides the traveling, philanthropy, entertaining and whatnot what would I do with my time if money were not a concern??

I'd write.
I'd probably still blog every day, too.

So, can I imagine that into existence...now?

I think I can.

I looked into LuLu self publishing.
Putting out an e-book is one way to create residual income.
Since hitting the power ball is unlikely I'll need to research some more ideas for generating revenue, but a download-able e-book AND an ink and paper book (LuLu lets you do both) are where I'm going to start.

In a year from now my goals and visions might change.
My energy level might be up.
Perhaps I will go into private practice (I'm a certified hypno-therapist).
Who knows what I'll imagine for myself in the future when I have more physical stamina.
But for right now,
I'm working on doing whatever it takes to spend more time writing and lolling around in bed with my cats.

Let me see what I can do.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I can grow a business.
I can build residual income.
I can take advice!
click here or click below

pogo

"The difference with you guys,
or me or anyone
who's followed through is
we're more afraid of what life would be like
if we didn't follow through...


...overachievers are a little more afraid
of missing out...


...or they've got a strong enough reason
to follow through."
- Tony Robbins in
an interview with Frank Kern and John Reese
(click here)

I was 8 years old when I got what I
thought I really, really wanted:
my very own pogo stick.
I think I played with it about 3 times
and then let it rust.

I remember how badly I wanted that pogo stick.
I'd seen cartoon characters pogo-ing all over the place.
I thought the pogo stick was a means of transportation,
a way to be set free.
I didn't realize that pogo-ing was really difficult.

The damn thing was too tall for me.
I could barely get up onto it.
Once I was on it I didn't have the strength to really make it bounce up and down.
My father tried it and bounced 4 or 5 times before he lost his balance.
It was more work than fun.

I played with it a few more times but only because my mother made me feel guilty
for neglecting it.
She reminded me of how badly I'd wanted it and all the trouble they went through to find one for me. Back in 1972 pogo was not a very popular pastime. They had to special order it from a sporting goods store.

When I was yearning for it,
I pictured myself pogo-ing up and down the street, free, buoyant, airborne!
Instead my interest in pogo-ing waned the day after receiving the stupid thing.
I couldn't catch the air
so, I sat back down and played with my Dawn dolls.
That's what I was good at, imagination and role playing.

Good skill to have by the way.
Imagining is what propels us to do more than we thought we could.
It didn't help me pogo.
My imagination didn't win.
My belief in failure was stronger than my belief that I could be airborne.
I let failure keep me ground-bound.

My mind has too much ballast. My desire to be in control, that is to avoid the pain of failure has conditioned me in such a way that I tend to hunker down for safety mentally and physically. Sometimes I'm no different than my 8 year old failed pogo self.

Yet, there's always been wind and I have a sail.
If only I had a better ballast ratio.
I only need enough ballast to keep me from tipping over but not so much as to keep me buried in the sand near the shore.

How do I set my mind free so the rest of me can sail?
Same way I could have ridden that pogo stick 37 years ago: practice.

My nutritionist sent me the link to that Tony Robbins interview with Frank Kern and John Reese.
He sent it August 25th.
I watched it last night, August 29th.
Hey, that's not bad.
There was a time in my life when I might not have watched it at all!

Four days after receiving it
I watched.
I listened.
I learned.

My mind felt like it was set free.
I imagined publishing my E-book.
I imagined feeling good, energetic, positive and happy.
I told myself that I get joy and satisfaction from my daily tasks.
I told myself how happy I am to be part of the school in back-to-school.
I believed myself!!

I woke up feeling positive.
I woke up with wind in my sails.
I anointed myself with oils for Gratitude, Forgiveness, Abundance and healing.
I was full of energy and hope.

Then my day progressed.
A headache hit me.
My energy fell to shit.
I felt ground-bound...again.

No problem.
Well, yes problem but No to feeling hopeless about it.
I'm just going to have to rest.

My fear (and fear is truly the little death that keeps us sunk)
is that I'll feel crappy in the middle of my work day this semester,
that the semester will be painful,
that I'll work then sleep and not much else.
I fear that life will be a drag with no joy in it.

I greeted my fear and asked it to sit in the corner facing the wall.

I imagined myself energetically handling my tasks.
I told myself that every time I move I am pushing blood into all the places in my body that need nourishment, that my blood is carrying all the wonderful nutrients from the food and supplements I take.
Every time I stretch, bend, walk, exercise, clean or do something physical I imagined my body getting stronger and stronger.

When I felt pain in my knee I imagined it as a signal to move out of my current situation to one that accommodates me more.
Kinda like the way one would sit in a chair in a preschool classroom.
Sure those little chairs felt perfect when we were kids but try to sit in one now!
It wouldn't even be a chair.
It would just be a hard plastic thing jamming into our butt cheeks.

I imagined the pain in my knee as a plastic kiddie chair telling me it's time to upgrade to a comfy grown up chair.
Pain is a temporary signal from the body that it wants something to change.
Pain is not a curse, punishment or a permanent state.

Comfort is possible.
I value comfort.
I approve of myself for valuing comfort.

Every time a negative thought tried to yap into my mind today I sent it to the corner to the dunce stool. Then I paraded my positive reinforcement in front of the room in my mind.

My positive thoughts are my A students.

The more I see them succeeding the more I'm free to sail.

Ok, lots of mixed metaphors in the blog today, boats, sailing, classrooms...
but sometimes those metaphors help us to imagine things better.

And I'm good at imagining.

I'm an A student in that area...when I apply myself.
I just need to apply myself often.
I need the practice.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
There's hope.
Even an expert fitness trainer can suffer and recover from adrenal fatigue!
And thank God she's sharing about overcoming it.
I'll be looking into Working In and Zone Exercises.
Stay with Vahdaneh Vahid till the end of the video.
She teaches us how to do breathing squats.
Better than coffee!
click here or click below

murk work

"It's only after we've lost everything
that we're free to do anything."
- Tyler Durden

My version of giving it all up?
I actually went to the Costco website and looked at job opportunities.
I went to CareerBuilder dot com and looked at clerical jobs.
In other words I seriously considered going back to the corporate world and starting all over again from nothing.

Considering is not the same as doing.
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken,
as Tyler Durden says in Fight Club.

Speaking of Fight Club, I was relieved to know that I still care about something
and here's the proof.
When I saw that Fight Club was playing on AMC - with all the swears edited out - I got up off my sore (sore from a summer of sitting) ass and got a video tape. Then I sat on my sore ass with my remote control and waited for the famous scene with Raymond K Hessel behind the convenience store (click here) so I could show the clip in class without all the F-bombs from the DVD.

Taping that clip showed me that I still care about teaching.
Well, I know that I care about my students.
But teaching in an institution?

Meh.

Academe is not the Mecca I once thought it was.
Only Mecca is Mecca.
That much I've learned.

I prayed today.
I prayed for God to guide me in my career.
I asked God to show me what I need to do to serve others by using my gifts.

I received three signs.
First, a former student emailed me about hypnosis.
My colleague and I have been discussing private practice and entrepreneurship as hypnotherapists (actually in NJ we have to call ourselves hypno-counselors).
His email showed me there's a need for what I can do with that skill set.

Second, a former student wrote this as his Facebook status:
...got a hindu goddess tattooed on my shin. what was I thinking?? I choose to blame Lisa Sargese.

That's one of the coolest things I've ever read in my life.
Looks like I still have significance as an instructor.

Third, the Fight Club thing.

I feel a little better now.

But before you put too much stock in "signs" from the universe, beware.
There are signs from the universe bombarding us constantly.
I'm sure there were plenty of signs today telling me to go work corporate.
There were probably plenty of signs telling me to go back to school for my doctorate.
There were probably plenty of signs telling me to pack it all up and move into my parents' basement.

The three signs that I "saw" today telling me to teach and go into private practice showed up because something inside me was looking for them.
The decision was already made but for some reason I was creating murkiness in front of me to obscure what I wanted to see.

Prayer was my way of asking God to let me see what I was already looking for.
Clear the murk.
Get to work.

Am I gung ho right now?
No.
I'm tired, in pain and grouchy
and so what?

I've pulled myself out of tired, painful grouchiness before.
I can do it again.
It's like riding a bicycle.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...when Sartre talks about responsibility, he's not talking about something abstract.
He's not talking about the kind of self or soul that theologians would argue about.
It's something very concrete. It's you and me talking.
Making decisions.
Doing things and taking the consequences.
It might be true that there are six billion people in the world and counting.
Nevertheless, what you do makes a difference.
It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms.
Makes a difference to other people and it sets an example.
In short, I think the message here is that
we should never simply write ourselves off
and see ourselves as the victim of various forces.
It's always our decision who we are."
click here or click below

What Matters?

"In her search for Zen,
Gladys went to a Japanese monastery
where she spent several months.
Continually asking the Zen Master,
"What is Zen?"
she received no answer.
To show how humble she was,
Gladys cleaned the communal bathrooms...



...The Zen Master was not impressed
and she felt humiliated.
When Gladys realized
that if she wanted to clean bathrooms
she could do that anywhere, she decided to leave.
She told the Zen Master of her decision.
He replied, "That's Zen."
- from "Zen Without Zen Masters"
by Camden Benares

If feelings and drives are mitigated through the body then which are real?
My passion, focus, interest and drive are pulsing at a low frequency right now.
One could call me depressed.
I'm certainly exhibiting the symptoms: loss of interest in activities that used to give satisfaction,
fatigue and loss of energy, persistent sadness, etc (click here for the DSM list of symptoms).

Yet I can trace this depression to physical causes.

I experienced relief from depressive symptoms when I was taking
stimulants (mostly over the counter) that produced cortisol (click here for cortisol's role in mood)
or antidepressants that adjusted my levels of norepinephrine (click here for a journal article on norepinephrine's role in mood).

I hope to once again feel motivated, alive, driven and focused
just by getting healthy.

Good moods,
motivation,
drive...

Bad moods,
depression,
dissatisfaction...

If all these things are dependent on our body's chemical composition at any given time, then what's real?
Feelings?
Passions?
Drives?

I feel like a big fleshy stimulus response machine,
an addict to certain brain chemicals.

What the hell actually matters to me??

I've been watching True Blood and thinking how nice it would be to live a simple life.
Just live in a small town, do a small job, live simply from day to day, do lots of stuff outdoors and not be so addicted to living a busy, super-accomplished life.

I read the story (above) about Gladys finding Zen and wonder if I can just go clean bathrooms anywhere (metaphorically).

The commitments I've made while my body was in a certain condition and I was feeling "high" on life...how do I know they're what I really want?

Today my father told me he'd like to see me get a full time job with benefits.
I told him higher ed was not a good place to be looking right now.
He told me I should just consider anything just to get something stable, full time, secure.
He reminded me that he's going to be 80 this year and would like to see me established.

He got me thinking.

I'm not stuck teaching part time if I don't want to be stuck teaching part time.
I can do something different.

I can go sell yachts if I wanted to (I don't want to nor do I know a damn thing about yachts, I'm just sayin').

But really.

What the hell do I REALLY (and that's a tough word)
want to do??

Last time I did this what-d0-I-really-want-to-do thing I came up with writing.

Is writing still what I want to do?

I need to think.

But who am I?
Who is the I doing the thinking?

Ponderous.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
What is the purpose?
To awaken.
Once awakened?
Wake up more.
click here or click below

holding up

I'm tired.
I'm giving myself permission to be tired.

I'm telling myself
"It's ok.
It's going to be ok.
Don't worry."

I'm not pushing myself too hard.

I've pushed myself too hard in the past.
Sure, I have a nice resume and two masters degrees to show for it.
I also have adrenal fatigue (click here) and exhaustion to show for it.

I had two meetings today with colleagues to plan the fall semester.
I was careful not to take on too many projects.

When one of them suggested that I should go for my doctorate sooner rather than later.
I almost considered it.
She said I could do it in my sleep.
Ironic.
The first thing I did when I got home?
I slept.

For now, just for now, I need to keep my life small and manageable.
I need to keep my commitments at the just-enough level.

The semester starts next week and already I'm scared.
I'm worried that it will be too much.

So, I'm giving myself permission to take it easy.
No intense worry over being the best and brightest.
No need to push myself too hard.

Today I walked from my car to the library cafe on campus.
It was the farthest distance I've walked without the cane or crutches since April.
On the way to the cafe I stopped and rested on a bench (it was uphill).
On the way back to my car I took it slow and made it all the way without resting.

My knee held up.

I'm going to celebrate that as a huge accomplishment.
I'm going to celebrate by doing the dishes.
Small task.
Do-able dishes.

*Lisa's Video Clip of the Day*
HydroxyCut? I used everything BUT hydroxycut.
Glad it was recalled, tho.
I'll get my energy the right ways:
quality food,
quality movement,
quality rest and peace of mind.
Brilliant nutritionist trainer Sean Croxton explains how these dangerous stimulants overwork our adrenals and damage our health.
He mentions the book I'm reading now, "Eat Fat, Lose Fat"
AND he points out that there's no such thing as HydroxyCut deficiency!
Nice.
click here or click below

priceless

"Coconut oil and butter are not only anti-microbial,
but they also help heal the lining of the gut;
therefore, they are preferred for cooking,
baking or eating right off the spoon.”
- From How to Restore Digestive Health
by Jordan Rubin.

Do you know what I pay for a one pound tub of real butter?
Eleven dollars.
I just noticed that.
I've been buying it from my farmer SINCE MARCH and just now noticed.
I order it as needed without ever looking at the price.
(click here for an article on the benefits of butter)

I needed the butter to get well.
I can't eat the money!
Why would I look at the price of the food that I need?

Well...when the doctor hands us a prescription do we ask HOW MUCH IS THIS GOING TO COST??
No.
We might ask for the generic (when I say "we" I mean society in general).
We might ask if it's really expensive,
but I don't remember ever asking or hearing of anyone asking for the actual price of a certain medication.
For that matter, would the doctor even know??

Point is, we take the medicine
without thinking about how much it will cost.
We assume we need it or else the doctor wouldn't bother prescribing it.
Right?

I got my bill from St Mary's in Passaic, NJ where I went to the emergency room to have my knee looked at.
They charged me $249 for a nurse (or was she just a tech?) to wrap a flimsy ace bandage around my knee.
Two hundred and forty nine dollars for an ace bandage.

What is it about health care (and I use the term "health care" loosely) that makes us into submissive bobble head nodders who will pay anything the doctors write for us?

I've done it.
I've taken prescriptions without questioning.
I figure the side effects will be listed with the drug when I pick it up
and
how ever much it costs I'll have to suck it up.

I'll have to pay the bill for the emergency room care.
Whether I like it or not I'll be paying $249 for an ace bandage.

I made the choice.
I wanted their x rays.
I went inside their establishment.
I'll have to suck it up.

So...
Eleven dollars for real farm butter?
I'm not blinking an eye.
Good food is worth the price.
My health is worth the price.

Eating well is different from smearing a symptom reliever over a chronic problem.
Eating well creates a well body.

Think about that.
Think about what our bodies are made of.
Food, air and water actually BECOME our physical bodies.

The quality of the food we eat matters
because the quality of our bodies matter
because our quality of life matters!

I am concerned for folks who really cannot afford ...wait.
Let me think about that.

What ARE financially challenged folks spending their money on?
Margarine?
Pasteurized store butter?

Here's a solution.
Get the real butter and use less of it.
Use half the amount of the real stuff as you would the fake stuff and you end up paying half the price.

Now if only these healthy foods were available in supermarkets and corner stores or locally so everyone can have access to them!

People should at least have the choice to buy real food directly from farmers.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The government shouldn't force us to drink pasteurized milk if we don't want to!!
By keeping real milk illegal they are the only milk we're legally permitted to drink is pasteurized, dead, un-digestible crap.
What kills me most about this video (besides the injustice in general) is that the authorities DUMPED THE FARMER'S MILK!!
Why are they harassing this poor farmer?
I don't feel protected by government when it behaves this way.
(click here for an article on super hero Michael Schmidt, the Ontario dairy farmer who is being hassled by government for providing a life-saving food!)
click here or click below

herxing

"In many cases difficulty with weight loss
stems from
underlying hormone imbalances,
chronic inflammation,
or impaired detoxification pathways
which in turn result from
malnutrition."
- Dr. Matt Marturano
of Life Time Fitness

I wish I hadn't added so much glow-effect
to the picture (below) taken in January 2009.
Yet, I can still see a big difference
in my overall countenance
compared to the picture (above)
taken in August 2009.

"...for many people,
the idea that your body needs fat
seems hard to accept,
when fat is what you're trying to lose.
If you have flab under your arms,
cellulite on your thighs,
and a stomach that enters the room ahead of you,
can you still be fat deprived?
Yes!
The fact is
that your body's visible fat stores
do not necessarily result
from fat consumption.
Nor do they indicate adequate levels
of fat-derived nutrients.
You could be 200 pounds overweight
and still be
undernourished
and fat deprived."
- Mary Enig and Sally Fallon in
"Eat Fat, Lose Fat"

That was me.
Undernourished, fat deprived but still painfully overweight.
Why do I say painfully?
A weakened musculature is not well equipped to carry excess weight and I was definitely weak.
My knees were getting weaker too.
This past Easter, I suffered a rupture in my right knee that put me in a wheelchair for the summer.
A big wake up call!

There are plenty of fat-haters (and health care professionals) out there who would be happy to blame all my health problems on my body weight.
Good thing I'm stubborn and defiant enough to look for REAL answers to my problems.

Good thing I learned that obesity is a side effect of poor nutrition, hormonal imbalance and the cycle of self blame rather than a disease in and of itself.

Good thing I'm going to make myself well so that I can go out into the world and help others get well with proper nutrition and inspired self care.

But for now, OW!
My head is screaming.
I feel like someone is crushing my head in a vice.
I think I'm Herxing pretty bad (click here for an explanation of Herxheimer effect) or going through caffeine withdrawal.
Something is knocking me around.

This is what happens when one makes drastic dietary changes.
Sometimes the positive effects don't happen right away.
Sometimes things get worse before they get better.
People get discouraged and go back to their old ways of eating poorly just to get some relief.

This is the time when we have to tough it out.
I know that the headaches will go away if I just stick to my nourishing habits.

I also know that it will be a while before I can look forward to significant weight loss. My body is recovering from years of being beaten up by stimulant abuse, poor nutrition, yo yo dieting, multiple weight loss surgeries, stress and overwork.

My body is still in recovery mode. It will not waste its resources on fat burning till it's healed.

Try to explain that to anyone who isn't on board with a nourishing traditional way of eating.

Fat haters (haters of dietary fat as well as fat people) will look at the way I eat and
blame the meat, dairy and fats for keeping my weight stable.
Oh, and that's what it is.
It's not a plateau. It's stabilization.
That's my new way of looking at my size.
I'm nourishing, recovering and stabilizing.

Right now things are rough.
I've eliminated some powerful forces from my body like caffeine and artificial sweeteners.
I haven't had a piece of bread since ...ok, I cannot lie. I ate the crust on my quiche yesterday even though I meant to toss it.
But I did pay the price.
I was tired and spacey all afternoon after my lunch.

I'm learning.
Little by little.
I have the information now I'm making it a way of life.

I may need to take some Ibuprofin for this headache, though.
Ouch.
Healthy balance can't come soon enough!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It's always good to know I'm not alone in my struggles.
This guy is doing the candida cleanse with coconut oil.
click here or click below

WebMD got my goat!

This post is part of Real Food Wednesdays!
(click here)


"Item number one in the
disinformation campaign
was the assertion that
naturally saturated fats from animal sources
are the root cause of the current heart disease
and cancer plague.
Butter bore the brunt of the attack,
and was accused of terrible crimes.
The Diet Dictocrats told us
that it was better to switch to
polyunsaturated margarine and most Americans did"
- Dr. Mary Enig and Sally Fallon

Would you take nutrition advice from a website that advertises Promise Margarine?
How about a website that gives article space to Promise Margarine?

On WebMD there are multiple articles, including ones called
"The Fat Facts" and "Lies and Truths About Fats" (click here).
They tell you the articles are a Sponsored Resource and that the sponsor of the content has sole editorial control.
And yet, the supposed facts presented in the articles seem to be what mainstream consumers accept as truth.

The article on WebMD that got my goat (and I have so many goats to get) is this one (click here).
Oh, and let me point out that the content is sponsored by Unilever.
What's Unilever?
The mega corporate giant that makes Slimfast and other trusted brands (click here).

Here's one page of the article from WebMd the site that claims to offer Better Information for Better Health called "Simple Secrets to Portion Control and Healthy Eating"...

Healthy Eating and Portion Control

Here's what you should aim for:

• 1.5-2 cups fruits & 3 cups vegetables
• 6-7 servings grains: ½ cup rice or pasta, 1 slice of bread, 1 cup cereal, etc.
• 3 servings low-fat dairy: 1 cup milk or yogurt, ¼ cup cottage cheese, 1.5 ounces cheese
• 5-6 one-ounce equivalent servings protein
• 5-6 portions (teaspoons) oils and fats
• 100-300 "extra" calories from snacks, dessert, alcohol or overeating

Notice they got the "low-fat" plug in there.
Notice they're pushing a whole lotta grains (I'd pass out from high blood sugar if I ate three cups of pasta in one day).
And why did they put the word "overeating" at the end?
Just to remind us that we are overeaters if we don't follow their guidelines which looks like a commercial for eating packaged Unilever foods anyway?

In response to my goat being gotten it's easy to say, "Well just don't read that crap on the WebMD site."
But it's everywhere.
It seeps into people's conversations with me.

If I mention that I'm eating more fats in my diet people automatically respond by saying
"Good fats like olive oil, right?"

If I say I'm eating grass-fed meat the response I get is
"Because it's leaner, right?"

If I say I'm cutting way, way back on the consumption of grains I get,
"You switched to whole grains, right?"

It's so ingrained in us it scares me.

It has to occur to us that the nutrition information we've been getting is from commercial sources. Our ideas about what's good or bad for us nutritionally is heavily sponsored by big pharmaceutical companies who stand to make billions of dollars from our believing their skewed research.

We're being systematically conditioned to believe that it's a good idea to replace food with processed, packaged crap that's been refined and turned into pseudo food or franken foods (click here to find out what a Franken Food is).

I wish,
I wish,
I wish I had more energy right now to write a deeper, more well researched blog post about all this but I'm already so tired.

Recovering from adrenal fatigue means I no longer rely on caffeine or stimulants for my energy.
If I don't have energy, I lie down.
I rest.

Dear God, let me recover smoothly and thoroughly so I can become a well informed food activist who has energy.
Let me internalize the nourishing, traditional information so I can offer a health-minded rather than mega-profit-minded perspective on what's good, right and wholesome.

Right now I need to rustle up the energy to put my classes together for next week.

Dear God, thank you for the strength you're about to give me.

{In future posts I'll be writing more on fats and real facts as I read my new copy of "Eat Fat, Lose Fat" by experts Sally Fallon and Dr. Mary Enig who have no ties to big industry and no corporate sponsors whose main objective is to sell us hydrogenated poison. Enig and Fallon present accurate nutrition information as part of a non-profit initiative to raise awareness (click here for myths and truths about nutrition).}

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Adrenal fatigue is real, no matter what the docs on WebMD have to say.
Some folks call it burn-out.
Some call it exhaustion.
Experts (the ones I listen to) are curing it with proper nutrition, proper rest, restorative movement and good information.
Listen to fitness trainer Vahdaneh Vahid on her experience with her own adrenal fatigue!
click here or click below

it used to be easy

I do look better considering how crappy I feel,
but I know the crappy-ness is temporary.

Well, I don't know-know.
I have faith though.

It used to be easy.
I'd force myself out of bed in the morning and make a pot of coffee. The hissing of the hot steamy water in the coffee maker was like a rooster crowing.
The sound of dripping coffee into the clean pot, like a running faucet, along with that chocolate-y morning-smell promised a stimulating reward.
Then the giant-ass coffee mug full of three quarters of a pot of coffee, plus sweet and low, plus soy milk, woke me up like someone launched me out of a catapult (all three god-awful items are completely out of my diet now, thank God).

Writing came easily (it still does but easily in a different way).
Getting going was easy.
A lull in energy and all I had to do was reach for more coffee, more Red Bull, an energy shot, a Ritalin (it was prescribed), an energy drink or a diet soda and I'd be "up" again.

Of course I'd crash. I'd perspire and sleep for 10 hours at a stretch, then start the cycle all over again.

My enthusiasm for life came from stimulants.
My drive, my passion, my ambition was fueled by chemicals.

I gave up caffeine for good back in June.
No stimulants either.

Without them I'm a wet rag.
I barely care about anything.
I don't want to do much.
I'd rather be sleeping almost all the time.

The only thing keeping me going is the hope that I'll get my life back.

I'm going through the motions of doing the things that I used to enjoy, and because I have integrity I'm doing them fairly well, but with no real joy.

I'm hoping that taking care of my physical health will lead me back to joy, ambition, focus, energy and a life that I love, a life that I want to wake up to.
I have hope, real hope.

Why?
It's brain chemistry.
Brains are physical.
Neurotransmitters, hormones, neural pathways, and MOST of the things that support moods (good or bad) are physical.
Thinking positive helps, but
I can only think-positive for so long.

Positive thinking supports an imbalanced body like walking through NYC on paper shoes supports your feet. After a few blocks the paper shoes rip and you're barefoot walking on shreds of plastic and dog pee.

I need solid shoes!

My nutritionist explains in his blog:

"Mood swings,
depression,
anxiety,
lack of motivation,
inability to tolerate stress
- these are signs of imbalanced brain chemistry
and I will say this again
and every friggin day for the rest of my life:
YES, IT CAN BE EASILY CORRECTED...
....Digestive disorders,
processed foods,
dieting,
skipping meals,
caffeine,
sugar,
recreational and pharmaceutical drugs
and certain so called ‘health’ foods
can cause the chemical imbalances.
Grains have mineral blockers
which leads to imbalance;
dieting starves the brain
of important nutrients especially amino acids;
sugar,
caffeine & drugs
deplete the hormones
and neurotransmitters
that keep us focused,
motivated,
feeling balanced
and help us tolerate stress."
- Antonio Valladares in
"Six Reasons Why You Can't Lose Weight"

Just as a reminder, I lived on every one of those awful things for YEARS.
Since the gastric bypass?
Grains and caffeine to the point of oh-my-god just kill me.

Yes, grains make you moody,
even the whole grains.

Caffeine and stimulants?
Burned out my adrenals BADly.

So here I am, depleted.
I'm too tired to be sad though I am sad.

My semester is starting.
I WANT to be excited.
I WANT to be motivated, focused, raring to go!
Instead I'm fantasizing about hitting the lottery so I can stay home with my cats and do a whole lot of nothing.

At least I'm still writing...and hoping.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Paul Chek is THE MAN!
Have you ever taken nutrition advice from someone with bad breath, bad skin, lopsided posture and a big flobby gut??
Or someone who's chronically irritated, portion-obsessed and thin with brittle hair?
I'm hopeful because I take nutrition advice from robust, clear, focused, vibrant, motivated people who love to eat. Paul Chek is a facilitator of personal growth, health and holistic wellbeing through the example of his own personal growth, health and holistic wellbeing.
Listen to Paul Chek!
click here or click below

big girl steps

Proud to be part of Fight Back Fridays!
Click here

"What I'm only now realizing, though,
is that while I think about food so much
and have used and abused it
as a substitute for contentment,
I've never really been a conscious eater."
- Oprah in "O" Magazine October '08

"When you eat cocount
(and other healthy fats
like those found in butter, cream,
nuts, meats, and eggs),
your body actually produces a hormone
in the stomach and small intestine
that signals that you've eaten enough...

...When you feel satiated, cravings,
and the persistent hunger
you experience on most diets,
are banished.
An added bonus is that many health problems
will resolve themselves
and you will have more energy
and a more optimistic attitude
toward life."
- Dr. Mary Enig and Sally Fallon in
"Eat Fat, Lose Fat"

The first thing that goes into my mouth in the morning?
Fermented Cod Liver Oil and Virgin Coconut Oil chased by decaf herbal tea.

15 or so minutes later I'll drink a half a cup of raw milk or (if it's available) raw colostrum.

Once that settles I'll eat some protein like grass-fed bologna or sausage or ground beef or pastured (not pasteurized, pastured) Amish eggs.

While I do my online thing in the morning I'll sip decaf tea with raw milk sweetened with a little raw honey or stevia.

I'm rarely hungry first thing in the morning but I go through my morning eating routine because I know it's good for me. It jump starts my metabolism for the day. It coats my intestines with healthy enzymes and cultures.
It's healing food on an empty stomach.

My mornings are always calm when it comes to eating.

The rest of the day?
Frantic.
I have to work on that.

Now that I have the nutrition thing down to a science (I really have to memorize the nutrition stuff so I can give lectures) it's time to work on the eating disorder thing.
My binge eating disorder has ameliorated greatly since my gastric bypass in 2006 but some of the eating disordered habits are still there,
like my frantic eating habits throughout my day.

I have to be very careful not to let myself get too hungry.
When I get hungry I panic.
I get headaches.
My anxiety makes me eat too much too fast sending me into a spiral of discomfort that I often ease by eating more food.
Sure the food is high quality.
Yes, it's super nutritious, but the behavior is not as intentional as I'd like it to be.
I can do better.

The baby steps I'm taking with my knee are turning into big girl steps.
I ran errands with my mother today without a cane or crutches.
(P.S. Using a cane knocked my spine out of shape pretty badly. Crutches are a better option for me. My chiropractor fixed me up nicely, though!)

My semester is starting on September 3rd.
It's time to gear up for life, adrenal fatigue or not.

I had faith that my knee would heal and it did.
Now I have to have faith that my adrenals will heal and that my eating habits will become more conscious.

Day by day the steps I take, big-girl or baby, will bring me closer to vibrant health and achieving my dreams.

I purchased the book "Eat Fat, Lose Fat" by the great Mary Enig and Sally Fallon of the Weston A. Price Foundation (non-profit organization that provides accurate nutrition information).
Expect to read many great quotes from that book as I apply it to my life.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Ok, he talks about medium chain fatty acids.
I need to learn about these short and medium chain fatty acids!!
Coconut oil, made of medium chain triglycerides (MCT), does not require extra enzymes for digestion and absorption and, as such, can be immediately converted by the body into energy.
For those with chronic conditions or those who have trouble digesting fats, this is great news! Coconut oil not only gives your body the energy it needs to fight chronic conditions, it helps your body get the nutrients it needs while aiding your digestive system.
Listen to Pat Sullivan of Jigsaw Health, author of "Wellness: Piece by Piece".
click here or click below

which

I thought about giving it all up and going corporate.
My CV could be turned into a resume.
I could downplay the religion aspect of my education and experience,
buy a few good suits, an expensive handbag and go work a nice corporate job.
There'd be benefits, regular hours, paid vacations, no pressure to be entertaining or expressive or terribly creative.

The pay would be great. I could drive a nice car and have all the material comforts a full time job would bring. Health Insurance! I could have health insurance!

Oh, and I'd have to do one more thing.
I'd have to delete my blog.
Erase my online presence.
Make profiles and pictures private.

I'd have to give up on the idea of being a speaker/author.
I'd have to give up on my dreams.

It can go either way right now.
At this point I can either give it all up or press on forward.

By pressing forward I mean I'd...
Write the books.
Do the speaking engagements.
Build a good website.
Produce product.
BE something for people,
like actually offer a service that helps folks get well.
Hone a mission statement and a philosophy.
Brand myself.
(First I need to get well and get my energy back).

So, what's it gonna be?

Play the corporate game for the money and security?
Or do the risky thing and follow my dreams?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Sit or stretch?
click here or click below

busy living

I did it again.
I was so busy living, I forgot to blog!!
It's already almost 8pm and I am just now sitting down to write.

Went to bed late last night (3am).
Paid the price.
Woke up after 10am today.
I feel like my day got away from me.

I must be getting old (or growing up).
I LIKE getting to bed before midnight.
I LIKE getting up before 8am to start my day.
Today I slipped back into the old habit of sleeping late and I'm all out of whack.

Out of whack does not mean the day was shot to hell.
I got a lot done.

Lunch with mother (Turkish lunch special: Chicken Soup, Spinach with Yogurt and Chicken Kabob w/o the rice).
Then to the cheap farmer's market for celery, carrots, cucumbers, spinach and peppers.
Lots of walking.
Lots of pain.

Dammit.
Now I have to recover AGAIN.
After 4 months on crutches and in a wheelchair, mostly sedentary, all hunched over, miserable with a ruptured knee, I'm in a stiff, sorry state.

I put on weight from the lack of movement and the comfort carbs.
Physically, I feel like crap.

I can see how feeling crappy like this can lead to further breakdown.
Being in pain
makes one need comfort.
One finds comfort in food and rest.
Too much food and rest lead to more stiffness and less mobility.

I can spiral down to misery or pull myself up.
Of course I'll pull myself up
and I'll blog about it and share every grouch and ouch.

I'm in the middle of the Grande Filing Project to get my life in order way in advance (a week)
of the new semester starting.

I like that I'm doing that.
I like that I'm caring enough about myself to slog through months of bills, papers, to-do lists and paperwork to get organized so my life will be easier.

I like that I'm doing it without caffeine.

I dusted off my hand held weights today.
It's time.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Recharging in the neck region?
I'm down!
My middle back is screaming in pain.
Tomorrow: chiropractor.
Part of the Grande Sorting Project is to get my spine free of subluxations!
In the meantime, I'll do this.
click here or click below

Pile o' Rocks

My cousin Jimmy is a youth football coach.
He inspires them to play hard and learn from every success, failure and trial.
So, when my cousin Jimmy shares a bit of wisdom, you can count on it to be good.
He shared this with me recently...

I told them to do something. Pick up a rock.
Just one rock and put it over in the corner.
The next day do the same thing.
For one month straight pick up one rock and put it in the corner.
Just one. Every day.

At the end of the month do you know what you'll have?
A pile of rocks.
A pile of rocks!!

One kid said, "Why?
Why would anyone do that?
Who wants a pile of rocks??"

The answer?
"Ok. If you don't have a pile of rocks in your corner, what DO you have?"

Wow.
That was really profound.

I thought about my life.
I thought about what I do on a daily basis,
rigorously,
faithfully,
no matter what my mood.

I take care of my cats.
I blog.

What do I have in my corner?
A house full of healthy, beautiful, happy cats
and a blog whose readership has multiplied about 10 times since back when I started it 3 years ago.

There's something to be said for daily habits.
Little (or big) daily efforts always
always
always
produce a pile of something.

What else have I added to my daily of dailies?
Taking really high quality supplements.
Using essential oils.
Visualization of healing as I apply them.
Prayers of gratitude.
Deep breathing.
Twittering.
Facebooking.

The last two might not seem important but they are.
More on that as my vision unfolds over the next year.

What else can I add to my daily of dailies to make my life blossom?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Either you live a life of hassle or you live a life of prosperity.
Yeah.
I want God to come and sit in my lap.
click here or click below

Slow Motion Miracle

"Pop the trunk," I told my mother.
She protested. "No, no, let your father do it!"
I patted the trunk of her car till she obliged.
I knew I could do it.

It was no big deal to carry her new oscillating fan and a cat carrier into the house for her,
plus her leftovers from lunch, plus her shopping.

Is my knee in pain now after all that lugging and lifting?
No.
Did I take a pain killer or even an Alleve today?
No.

It's the end of August and I'm healed enough to do some light lifting.
I shopped in the Rite Aid while leaning on a shopping cart rather than a cane or crutches.
A few minutes ago I carried the vacuum into the bedroom to vacuum up the broken glass from the vase my Hurley broke...first I had to pick up the big pieces by hand, then vacuum up the slivers.

I'm calling this a healing miracle.
Most people wouldn't.

The injury happened during Easter week back in April.
It's now almost September.
It took over 4 months for my knee to heal,
and yes, I'm calling it a miracle.
I insist.

Why?
Because I had doubts that I'd ever be able to walk on this leg ever again without surgery.
I had doubts that my self-care was enough without a "real" doctor.
I had doubts that my body still had any healing juice left in it after all the abuse I put it through.
I had doubts that at this weight I'd be able to walk on a compromised knee.
I had doubts that I could be whole.

But that's what faith is made of.
Vision, hope and human doubt.
I had a vision of walking again, of carrying things, of lugging, cleaning, walking and being mobile.
I had hope that I'd walk again or I wouldn't have bothered to pray.
My hope may have been shaky but I had it.

Carrying my mother's shopping today made it real.
By God's grace I can walk again despite my doubts.

I didn't heal because of my faith.
My faith is imperfect.
I healed because the body is a miracle of healing, always at work.

I healed because I asked for help.
I asked for help all over the place.

I prayed all over the place.
AND I was receptive to the prayers of others.

My brother and my sister-in-law prayed over me with such love and such faith.
How could I be anything but whole?

I held the anointed Teddy Bears from my brother's Teddy Bear Monastery while they prayed.

Intentions came from many places.
My students sent me healing energy.
Some prayed for me.
Some pushed me in my wheelchair.
My cousin taught them how to send me Reiki.
Colleagues sent prayers, good vibes and showed concern.

My friends took care of me and made me feel like I mattered.

All the while my knee was knitting itself back together.
All the while the power of the universe worked silently, doing its job, never stopping.

Yet, all the while I wondered if it would really happen.
I was afraid to go to the doctor because I didn't want to hear that I'd need knee replacements.
I didn't want their medical-bad-news to skew my brain in the wrong direction.

I went to the emergency room for xrays just to confirm that it wasn't a fracture.
That's as far as I went.
The rest was my knee healing naturally with the help of waves and waves of prayers and intentions.

The miracle is that despite my doubts I healed anyway.
I'll never forget this.
I'll never forget the uncertainty.
I'll never forget the relief of having my vision become real.

The same force that makes my heart beat without my interference,
that makes me breath without thinking,
made my body heal without my having perfect faith.

Miraculous.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Every night I rub Frankincense oil on my knee and pray "Thank you, God for my healing."
I imagine the knee healing. I see light going into my body. I imagine myself healthy and whole.
Think it has an effect?
The Academy for Guided Imagery is harnessing the mind's awesome power to speed healing. We meet Dr. Martin Rossman, the physician who founded the Academy and has trained thousands of practitioners. And we take a look at how guided imagery is being used at a major medical center.
click here or click below

Low fat Low life

"In almost all cases if you treat a symptom,
you are going to make the disease worse
because the symptom is there
as your body’s attempt to heal itself.
The medical profession
calls the symptoms diseases....

...Using Ear Nose and Throat medicine for example,
that patient will walk out of there
with a diagnosis of Rhinitis
which is inflammation of the nose.
Is there a reason that patient has
inflammation of the nose?
I think so.
Wouldn’t that underlying cause
be the disease as opposed to
the descriptive term of Rhinitis or Pharyngitis?...

...Some one can have the same virus
and have Rhinitis or Pharyngitis,
or Sinusitis, they can have all sorts of “itises”
which is a descriptive term for inflammation.
They treat what they think is the disease
which is just a symptom....


...If you are going to treat any disease,
you need to get to the root of the disease.
If you keep pulling a dandelion
out by it’s leaves,
you are not going to get very far.
But the problem is that
we don’t know what the root is,
or we haven’t.
They know what it is in many other areas
of science,
but the problem is that
medicine really isn’t a science,
it is a business."
- Insulin Resistance: The Real Culprit
by Ron Rosedale

I've always been looking for the root cause.
Some people are supportive.
Some people give me shit for it.
Some people say reading about my journey is inspiring.
Some people say I need to just diet and exercise and stop my whining.

They're all right.
There are no wrong opinions.
There are just opinions, paths, options.
If it gives us the results we want we call it "good".
But "good" is always called good from a particular perspective.

I think about my latest way of eating (nourishing, traditional foods including a generous amount of animal fats, protein and very little grain) and I think about the way I used to eat (super low-fat vegan with lots of whole grains).
BOTH ways of eating seemed like the right thing to do when I first started eating that way.
I had conviction.
I preached the virtues of eating that way.

The immediate results of eating super-low-fat-vegan resulted in weight loss so folks yipped, yelped and applauded me. Then when my health started to break down, I was no longer able to lose weight and I was exhausted, folks thought I lost my motivation.

Some stopped reading my blog.
Some wagged their fingers at me and told me I needed a 12 Step program.
Some didn't see the problem at all.
Exhaustion is socially acceptable dontcha know.

There are plenty of weight loss/fitness professionals out there who live the raw, vegetarian or vegan life and are brimming with energy. They're slim, bright eyed and perky.

I say, good for them.
I'm glad they found something that's working.
I'm glad they found something to believe in.

Same with weight loss surgery.
I get comments on my videos from people all the time (they tend to be the ones who are less than 2 years out from surgery. The long term gastric bypass people? Not as vocal for some reason) from folks who accuse me of not taking my vitamins or not drinking my shakes or not following the program. They boast that they're doing well (read: thinner) and accuse me of some wrongdoing because I'm not thin yet.

For the folks who are doing well with their surgeries, I say, "good for you."
They did something for themselves that they're happy about.
That's awesome.
Maybe 3 or 4 or 5 years out from their surgery they'll have a different opinion to share.
Maybe they'll be thin but have all kinds of other health issues to deal with.
Who knows?

My opinion on stuff changes all the time because my perspective changes all the time.
New information presents itself.
New experiences change my perceptions.

If you had asked me 2 years ago if gastric bypass was a good idea I would have hopped up and down and said, Yes!

Now my opinion is born of 3 years experience.
I've lived through the malnutrition.
I've lived through the high of the initial weight loss and the shame of regaining some weight.
I've lived through the honeymoon.
I've lived through the elation of thinking I'd never eat junk food again because it made me nauseated.
From the honeymoon perspective (the first few months or years after weight loss surgery is the honeymoon) life was great!
I was on a high.
I was also high (on stimulants).

Now I'm in the "Still Fat", nutritionally and hormonally depleted stage and no longer consuming caffeine or stimulants.
My perspective is much different now.

Do you know what it feels like to be hormonally depleted?
I'm not talking menopausal I'm talking adrenal fatigue.

It feels like the worse depression ever.

Nothing matters.
Passion? Forget it. Nothing gets me up in the morning except obligation.
Joy? I hope I can feel it again before I die. It's just a memory.
Motivation? Like I said, I'm running on obligation. Thank God I have a deep sense of personal responsibility and integrity. I'm strong enough to latch on to my commitments and allow them to pull me up out of the bed of despair.

There are days when I feel like packing up all my stuff and moving myself and my cats to my parents' basement where I can wither away. I can live like a half animated corpse (which is what I feel like lately anyway) and just do nothing.

That's bad.
It's bad when I'm fantasizing about a life full of nothing.

I wonder if I'll ever care about achieving anything ever again.
Where's my drive?
Where's my passion?
Can I resurrect them??

But I recognize that this too is JUST A PERSPECTIVE.
From inside this body at this time my life feels blahhh
but that can be changed!!

Can I come back to life?

I think I can.
I'm digging in to the root of this problem.
I'm solving the problem from deep within.

I will live again.
I will live brightly.

In the meantime, I'm praying to be grateful for exactly what I have,
exactly who I am,
exactly where I'm at.

It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
Then the sun comes up.
Right?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
What do you get from low-fat, low calorie dieting??
"...increasing weakness, loss of ambition, narrowing of interests..."
I'm still recovering.
Sean Croxton gives us a brief synopsis of Ancel Keys' Starvation Study and the effects of low-calorie/fat dieting. Research taken from Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes. Low-fat diets may be making you sick and FAT. The last thing you want to do when reducing bodyfat is slowing down your metabolism. Low fat diets may cause depression, anxiety, cognitive dysfunction, poor wound healing, etc.
Be smart.
Investigate the truth.
www.myspace.com/undergroundwellness
click here or click below

3 Year Surgi-Versary

It's been three years since my gastric bypass.
Whoop dee doo.

Am I happy?
Yes, but my happiness is due to the lessons I've learned despite the bypass not
because of the surgery saving or fixing my life.

I saved and fixed my life.
The surgery was just one of many things I've done along the way.

I was well over 400 pounds when I first looked into having the bypass (I already had 2 gastric banding surgeries which had to be taken down to do the bypass).


I dieted down to 377 for my surgery on
August 16th 2006 (click here for the video showing me a few days after surgery...a mess)

Starving and depressed I began my shrinkage (click here for a video interview with me from one year after the bypass).


Two years after the surgery my hair loss is so bad you can see my scalp from 2 blocks away (click here for that video). Notice the heavy "glow effect" on this pic to hide the stretch marks, bald spots, etc.



Here I am today...
I'm happier today than I was 3 years ago.
I'm smaller than I was 3 years ago.
I know more.
I feel more.

I'd write more but I have company now.

I have company more now, too.

tee hee

More on this topic tomorrow!

perfect

Hey!
I almost forgot to blog!
That must be a good sign.
It means I'm not fixating,
obsessing
or even reflecting
too much.

Just living.

Not everything has to be a learning moment.
It CAN be, but we can also choose to just enjoy a sunny
summer Saturday for what it is and not look for anything more.

A few minutes ago
I took a bunch of bone stock from my farmer
threw it in a giant pot,
sliced some locally grown organic carrots,
onion and some leftover meat,
added tomato juice and am letting it simmer.

Friends are on their way over.

That's kinda perfect just the way it is.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The athlete is asking his spiritual teacher (Nick Nolte) why, if the warrior-in-training is supposed to abstain from alcohol, smoking, etc. is he indulging while sitting at the bar??
He gives the kid a GREAT answer!
click here or click below

Operation Portion Control: Smaller Bites

Socrates: Everyone wants to tell you what to do and what's good for you. They don't want you to find your own answers, they want you to believe theirs.

Dan Millman: Let me guess, and you want me to believe yours.

Socrates: No, I want you to stop gathering information from the outside and start gathering it from the inside.

- from the film Peaceful Warrior

How is Operation Portion Control going?
As well as it should.

Last night I stopped at McDonald's on the way home from a lovely evening with family. We watched two incredibly uplifting movies: Peaceful Warrior and August Rush.

We had eaten dinner earlier, around 6pm.
Over the course of the next few hours I snacked on a banana and a plum.
My cousins weren't eating during the movies so I didn't either.
But by the time I was on my way home at around midnight I was famished.

Yes, yes, yes, I know how we're not supposed to eat at night.
We're not supposed to eat after 8pm.
We're not supposed to go to bed on a full stomach.
blah blah blah

Having exerted my energy for the day I should have had a quiet stomach.
Right?

But I didn't.
I was starving.
In a panic to make the awful hunger go away I pulled into the Mc Donald's drive thru. Usually, if I do that I'll get some sort of burger, eat the meat and toss the bun to the birds.
Last night I did the unthinkable.
I ordered a value meal, large.
I DID toss the bread away but I ate half the fries.
I also ate cookies and a baked apple pie.

I tried to tell myself it was a meal but part of me insisted it was a binge.
It was food, that's for sure.

Does it matter that I got my period today?
Is PMS a reason to eat cookies, fries and pie?
I didn't know I was pre-menstrual last night when I placed that order.
All I knew was that I was starving and I wanted to eat heavy.

Today, for the first time since before Easter, my mother and I went to our favorite Chinese buffet. Finally, by the grace of God, the miracle of my healing body, the prayers of loving friends and gooooood nutritious foods (and supplements....and healing oils....and deep breathing....and getting enough sleep) I am able to walk and get my mother her lunch at the buffet tables (and my lunch as well).

I ate mindfully.
I had a nice bowl of miso soup (sans tofu), a big bowl of edamame, a few small bite sized pieces of chicken and two macaroons for dessert.
It felt like a very sane, moderate meal.

Just now I had an apple, a few bites of Caesar salad and a slice of Amish bologna.

That's a snapshot of how Operation Portion Control is going.

I'm taking smaller bites and chewing thoroughly.
I'm being mindful of when I'm full.

Do I need to eat less?
I don't know.
I need to take smaller bites, that's for sure.
I need to chew chew chew, that's for sure.
I need to eat protein with everything, that's for sure.

I'd LIKE to eat less at night because I worry that it's bad for me, but my appetite is crazy.
If I eat too little during the day my body demands the remainder during the evening.

What should I try to do?
Eat less??
That's never worked for me in the long term.
I've always busted through the constraints of the diet (or weight loss surgery) to get what my body so desperately screams for: food.

So what will I do?

I'm focusing on portion control as an exercise in mindfulness NOT as another way to cut calories... though that MAY be the outcome.

In my post called "Portion Awareness" (click here) I said:
"So, what's my problem?
The usual
the hackneyed,
the awful,
the inevitable...
the need to
eat less and exercise."

Eating less doesn't have to mean "starve".

So what did I mean by "eat less"?

I'll take smaller bites.
Eat and take a breather before going in for seconds.
See if I'm satisfied with a few bites of something rather than a whole bowlful before eating too much in a panic that I'll never eat again.

This gastric bypass bought me some time.
It's unfortunate (or not) that it no longer controls my portions for me like it did in the beginning.
It bought me 100+ pounds of weight loss and plenty of really hard lessons on life.
But nothing, NOTHING can take the place of mindfulness, not just in eating but in all things.

In all things be mindful,
be present,
be in the moment,
enjoy every moment,
every morsel,
every mouthful,
every burp,
every satisfied slouch on the couch with a full belly,
every day we learn to appreciate what is
as it is.

Eating less really means eating with more awareness.
The amount of food will balance out naturally.

I'll let you know how it goes.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
A warrior does what she loves and loves what she's doing.
Go see this movie!!!
Here's a clip from 'Peaceful Warrior'.
click here or click below

Losing Weight?...Wait.

"Going to the gym
and dieting
are the WORST things
anyone can do because
they don’t address the reason
why the FAT is covering your abs to being with.
Even if you do lose some weight,
you will gain it right back until you address the CAUSE.
Find the cause and address that.
The effect (weight loss) will come naturally
when you do the right thing and take responsibility....

...If you have dieted,
you are NOT an expert.
You were a target.
Dieting does NOT make you a diet expert.
Dieting damages the female brain
and metabolism
and you likely need an EXPERT.
If you act like a Know it All,
you will continue to struggle
like the majority of women in this country...

...Human health, the science of safe & effective
exercise programs and the physiology of weight loss
requires an expert for MOST (not all) people.
So, put down the magazines,
pick up a book
and
stop acting like a Know It All.
Find a real expert and either become friends,
work for them or become their client
or take a class.
Study everyday and you might
even become a real expert at some point,
if you so desire."

- Antonio Valladares, certified holistic nutritionist,
corrective exercise kinesiologist
(click here for the article)

I woke up today, 3 days before my 3 year surgi-versary (RNY gastric bypass in August 2006) wondering how I was going to lose another 140 pounds and KEEP it off.

I thought about how I lost 140 pounds after the bypass.
Well, first I suffered (click here for the video).
Then I starved.
Then I over trained.
Then I had the nerve to publicly speak about self-discipline and life change.
Well...I still speak about self-discipline and life change.
I think my message was good but flawed when I was holding up my before pictures and waiting for the stunned Ooohs and Ahhhs.

Regarding nutrition I believed that no-fat in my diet was a good way to go.
I thought "healthy" fats were the vegetable oils and "bad" fats were the animal fats (click here for real research on which fats are good).
I thought raw veganism was my ultimate goal.

Throughout my self-imposed starvation via weight loss surgery I drank energy drinks, took over the counter stimulants and put away about a pot of coffee per day (as I type that I realize I miss the high, but I know that the high was a lie. I burned out).

I thought supplemental nutrients came from my chewable vitamins and protein bars.
Sure, I ate "well". I went from eating processed crap food to eating whole grains, tofu, soy milk, non-fat pasteurized dairy, and sugar free everything.

Did I lose weight??
Yep.
I lost 140 pounds.
And I bragged about it.
I bragged about my 45 minute cardio sessions 6 days a week.
I boasted that my fat intake was less than 5 percent of my daily calories.
As I boasted and bragged, my body was changing.
As it got smaller it got weaker.
I needed more and more stimulants to keep it going.
My appetite was out of control.
I was eating enough brown rice and tofu every day to feed a neighborhood.

Then the weight stopped coming off.
I hit a plateau so hard I have yet to recover.
For months I forced myself to go to the gym.
For months I watched the scale stay at the same number.

My response?
More sugar free and fat free foods to quell my cravings and keep my appetite in check.
Did it help??
No.

As I pushed myself deeper and deeper into adrenal fatigue my body started to break.
The coffee no longer worked.
The energy drinks no longer had any effect.
I was hungry all the time.
My hair was falling out to the point where you can see my scalp from across the street.

My energy was crashing so badly I thought I was going to die.

So, this morning, as I sat on the throne with my bathroom buddies (my cats) meeping and mewing for me to turn the water on in the sink so they could play catch-the-trickle, I thought about doing it all again.

Really.
I actually considered going into my surgeon's office to discuss a revision to the bypass to make my stomach smaller (again).
I thought about starving (again).
I thought about hamster-wheeling it at the gym (again).
I wondered how I would figure out a way to starve myself down to a more comfortable size.

Starve.
I actually thought of the word "starve".

Then my nutritionist/trainer posted his blog this morning (great timing! Thank you, universe!) and I remembered what road I am on.

I forgave myself for being tired, hungry, depressed and overweight.
Why?
BECAUSE I'M FIXING THE UNDERLYING CAUSES!!

Starving (again) will not fix me.
It might make me smaller (temporarily) but it won't make me well.
Exercise?
I'm working on being able to walk, stand, do my dishes, take a shower, etc.
I'm recovering from my knee injury (nicely) and adrenal fatigue (slowly).
I'll let you know when it's time to lift weights at the gym.

Right this second I'm in omg-headache mode.
I want caffeine badly.
I want the high.
I want the energy.
I want to feel alive!

But I know that resisting in the now will buy me a future of wellness from within.
No caffeine necessary.

How's Operation Portion Control going?
I'll blog about that tomorrow.

In the meantime, remember:

"What needs to be made very clear
is that if one makes a decision to become healthy,
weight loss just naturally follows.
There's no single greater influence on your health
than the food you eat several times a day,
every single day of your life.
Weight normalization is simply a component
or a side effect
of a much broader picture,
involving balanced
and efficient metabolism
at every level, (i.e. cells, Tissues, Organs, Systems)
within the body."
- Mark Velasquez, Academy of Sports Medicine CPT

It's about getting,
staying
and being healthy.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
You will see organic, store bought butter in his fridge but keep in mind that buying raw dairy from a local farm is illegal in NY and NJ. Folks who are committed to nourishing traditional foods have to join private farm clubs to get our milk, eggs, butter and cream without government imposed pasteruization (which kills all the nutritional value).
But let's pay attention to what Antonio Valladares, certified holistic nutritionist and
corrective exercise kinesiologist, DOES have in his fridge.
Nice red grass-fed beef.
Lovely organic produce.
Great supplements.
Healthy fats.
Take a look!
click here or click below

More Meat from Oprah

"'I recently bought a quarter of a cow'"
Felder says - 100 pounds of natural,
grass-fed beef at $5 a pound,
which she keeps in a five-foot upright freezer
in her basement. "
It will feed us for two years."
To buy grass-fed meat from farms
or ranchers directly
(at a price that may be much lower
than what you pay for natural meats
in grocery stores),
try eatwild.com"
- page 170 in August 2009 issue of
Oprah's "O" Magazine
from the article
10-Step Money-Saving Plan

This is from the part of the article that's continued on page 170 so I didn't see it the first time I blogged about grass-fed meat being featured in Oprah's magazine.
Not only does the article endorse the affordability and nutriment of grass-fed beef it gives a link to the Eat Wild website (click here) where folks can find all kinds of information and find resources on nourishing foods, including WHERE TO GET IT!

Love it.

Thank you, Oprah.

One of my readers commented last week that it should NOT take Oprah's endorsement to encourage a huge segment of mainstream consumers to eat well.

It shouldn't,
but it does work.

Look what she's done with mystics like Eckhart Tolle and the folks from The Secret?
Creative visualization is no longer on the hippie fringe.
It's in America's living rooms.
It's in the hearts and mouths of Oprah's viewers.
It's in the minds of the public.

Now grass-fed organic meat is coming up.
It's the way meat should be.
Now that Oprah's endorsing it, hopefully on her show as well as her magazine,
people will start demanding it.
There will be a change on the grocer's shelves.
There must be a change in the health of our society.

When women - the majority of grocery shoppers are female dontcha know - get smart and speak up, grocery chains listen.
They want to sell products.
They'll carry what we ask for.

For now, I'm happy to buy my grass-fed meats and dairy from a local organic farmer.
I have to be happy doing it.
The other option is to go to Whole Foods and risk that their "grass-fed" beef is actually free-range, grass fed and finished (not started on alfalfa then fed soy and corn the remainder of its cooped up life).

As American consumers wise up the food industry will oblige.
At least that's my hope.

I think Oprah can jump start the movement that's already begun at a grass-roots level by cool folks like Kelly the Kitchen Kop and Cheeseslave who are responsibel for Real Food Wednesdays (click here).

Time to go cook up a nice grass-fed burger and top it off with some Zukay fermented salad dressing!



*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Meat with sauerkraut or another fermented food?
GREAT for digestion!
Listen to Lisa La Barr, an AFPA certified nutritionist and Weston A. Price Foundation member, residing in Beverly Hills.
She'll tell ya!
click here or click below

motivated by crisis

"It is a rare person
who can pierce the veil
between ordinary life,
consumed with matters of physical survival,
and pursuit of the empowered path
of purpose and meaning
unless he or she is
motivated by a crisis.
Most often we require the failure
of some system of power
that we rely on
before we take action."
- Carolyn Myss

This is exactly what I look like. No makeup. No glow effect. Just me.

This is my body.
This is exactly what I look like
in the here and now.
No girdle.
No cropping.
Just me.

This crisis has motivated me.
I am more motivated when it comes to accepting what I have with gratitude.
I accept who I am with gratitude.

Postponing my life because of my health or my size was a mistake.
I don't need to be thin to write books.
I don't need to be perfectly healthy to teach.
Look what I was able to do from a wheelchair this summer!

Four classes.
Four!
I can't even believe I fought through months of being
broken,
in pain,
disabled,
helpless,
and tired.

What made this summer a success? (Besides the unconditional love and support from my friends without whom I'd have suffered and probably withered).
What makes me believe that my summer has been a success?
My students.
I'm reading their evaluations,
their final essays,
and the feedback on Rate My Professors.

They learned.
They were inspired.
They say they love me and miss me.
I had an influence.
Significance.

When I stood up from my wheelchair last week in class, two days before my 45th birthday, my students applauded me. I'm not sure how I kept from crying.

I am truly blessed.

My illumination comes from knowing I did this in a compromised state,
rather THERE IS NO COMPROMISED STATE.

There are no limits on us.
We PLACE limits on us.
Circumstances are only obstacles if we let them stand in our way.

Sure I whined, complained and felt sorry for myself all summer.
That's human of me.
I forgive me.

And I'm proud of myself, too proud to ever hide out again due to my age, size, ability or anything.

I'm finally learning to love who I am
exactly as I am.

I hope I can teach others to do the same.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Is anything stopping Nick Vujicic?
Here I am worrying about making it down to the Jersey shore this month.
He's traveling the world!
Hugging and saving.
Preaching and teaching
with no arms or legs.
click here or click below

Short Cute n Chubby

Me, Matt and Sarah celebrating my 45th birthday
and Matt's 30th birthday
with champagne and a fabulous dinner at Avenue Bistro in Clifton.

I have a new Kodak Easy Share camera!
It's been forever since I took one of my famous
arm's length self portraits!

I'm going to start Vlogging
(video blogging on YouTube)
soon!

One of today's headlines reads "Taiwan Mudslide May Have Buried 600 Villagers."
That's at least 600 people who are having a really bad day.

If I have to be on crutches for a few more weeks?
I'm not complaining.
Perspective can make any situation seem like no big deal.

Or...or...
I can compare myself to someone who seems to be doing much better
than I am and have a pity party over their seemingly easy life and my hard life.
I'd still be in my same situation.
I'd just feel much more crappy about it.

How about this as an option?
I practice feeling just fine with things as they are
knowing that life is about loving and learning.
Problems are here to teach us stuff.
Love is ever present but we forget about it as an excuse to postpone our own happiness.

Sounds like I have great perspective today, huh?

It's easy for me to talk like this on a day where the sun was magnificently shining.
I sat out in the sun and listened to birdies tweeting.
I got a call about teaching a 5th class in the Fall.
I've got money in the bank and in my wallet,
food in my fridge,
friends coming for a visit tonight,
cats yawning and preening all around me,
new clothes,
a new camera,
all kinds of herbs and natural remedies for healing
...my blessings are endless.

AND
I had a dream.

In my dream I was in the classroom (not sure which school...it was the dream version of a lecture hall) on the first day of class. I could randomly hear some of their thoughts (that's what you get when True Blood's resident psychic, Sookie Stackhouse, is on your mind right before bed).
I heard the thought of a cute male student with big brown eyes, dark skin and dreads. He looked me up and down and thought out loud, "...she's short, cute and chubby..."

Short.
Cute.
Chubby.

Now, we all know that our subconscious mind comes to life in our dreams. It expresses wishes to be fulfilled or impressions of the day or deeply held beliefs that don't readily surface in our conscious minds.

I woke up feeling flattered by my dream student but really,
he was me.

Deep down, that's what I look like to myself.
Visually, my self image is of a woman who's
short,
cute
and chubby.

No negative judgment.
It was an overall nice impression, like I'd be pleasant to look at for 16 weeks.
Not hot.
Not model sexy.
Not gorgeous.
Just nice.

I've never felt so short, cute and chubby in my life.
It feels...
nice.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"We're designed to be tested..."
Listen to Dr. Carolyn Myss.
She tells us NOT to negotiate our spirit.
What does that mean??
click here or click below to find out

Portion Control Ain't Just for Food!

I had not been to the laundromat since before Easter.
Today I did my first load of laundry (on my own) since the knee injury.

A load.
A single load.
Meaning I sat in my bedroom in front of a giant body bag full of laundry and handpicked
a single load.

I have never done that in my whole life.
In 45 years on earth I've never just done one load of laundry.
Never.

I always had to do ALL of it in one shot or NONE of it at all.

Today was quite a breakthrough for me.
Today I had to admit that doing 9 or 10 loads (on my own with crutches) was too much for me.

It was more prudent
to leave the house,
shop for a couple of bottles of laundry stuff rather than a pallet full,
go to the laundromat,
and do ONE single load.
This
was a huge step in "Operation Portion Control".

Eating just enough is only part of it.
I'm discovering the need for moderation,
discipline,
pacing,
non-perfectionism,
and calmness in more than one area of my life.

Like when I have money in the bank, I'm anxious about it, like if I don't spend it right away someone will take it away.
I'm the same way with food.
If I don't eat a giant, heaping portion I'm afraid I'll never eat again.
Logically I understand that these feelings are irrational.
Yet these feelings drive my behavior...probably because I haven't replaced them with any new feelings in all these years.

Calmness requires practice.
Discipline is NOT just forcing oneself to do something or refrain from something, it's restructuring one's feelings so that the new behaviors flow naturally and stick.

I've said these things before but saying them is not the same as doing them.
Writing about them doesn't necessarily mean I've soldered them seamlessly into my life habits.

If I repeat myself it's because I need to learn.
If I make the same mistakes over and over again it's because I need to learn.

I'm 270 pounds and walking on crutches because I need to learn.

I seem to be great at manifesting learning experiences for myself.
Hmph.
That's talent.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Intuitive eating is an art form for people like me or anyone
overcoming an eating disorder. It takes LOTS of practice.
"Beyond Chocolate" is an approach that supports women
based on the idea that "Deep down, we all know that a diet isn't the answer to permanent weight loss. If it was, we would follow one, lose weight and be happy. End of story. But the sad truth is that dieting destroys self-confidence and keeps women stuck in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship with food and their body."
They make connections between how we eat and how we live the rest of our lives.
Brilliant.
click here or click below

Wondering about that farm?

CORRECTION!

I received the following comment regarding
Chestnut Hollow Farm -

the farm featured in the
video I used on my August 4, 2009 blog...


"Hello, this is Anna wife of Brooks in this video.
The website link that you provided is not actually our farm.
Chestnut Hollow Farm does not have a functioning website (yet!).
We are farming and living on land that is part of
Longacre Farm, www.longacre.com
I love your blog,
and feel that it is an ironic blessing
that I found it through you finding our video somehow!"
- Anna of Chestnut Hollow Farm
in Newport, Pennsylvania


Thanks, Anna :-)


To read Brooks' and Anna's Farming Notes Blog
click here.


To see that great video again,
click here or click below

Portion Awareness

Notice I didn't call today's blog "Portion Control"
cuz I hate the word "control"...unless it has the word "remote" in front of it.

To have one CUP of something?
Absurd.

To limit myself to ONE of something?
Unheard of.

And forget about a tablespoon. I won't even measure my cod liver oil with a tablespoon! I just tip the bottle over my open mouth and glunk it in.

But my recent conversation with my ladyfriend had me thinking.
Maybe taking off weight really IS as simple as eating less...but less of what??

The "what" part of the equation is handled.

Since early 2009 I've been refining the quality of my food,
eliminating many commercial foods
and replacing them with farm food,
paying attention to nourishment rather than calories,
restoring GOOD fats (organic grass fed butter, lard, cream, tallow and oils like cod liver, flax and olive oil) to my diet and eating abundantly well.

I've eliminated breads and grains (still working on defusing my popcorn habit, though).
I've completely given up caffeine (it was difficult).
Gave up artificial sweeteners (I crave Diet Pepsi when I see it) and am now taking some of the best supplements for restoring the body (check out Dr. Ron's Ultra Pure).

So, what's my problem?
The usual
the hackneyed,
the awful,
the inevitable...
the need to
eat less and exercise.

I've decided this doesn't have to be a big deal.
Like today at lunch, my mother and I went to our favorite Turkish place for the $10.99 lunch special which includes soup or salad, an appetizer, and an entree.

I had the lentil soup, the parsley with tomatoes and a nice lamb kabob (I left the bread and rice).
BUT...and here comes a big BUTTT....
I didn't finish the lamb.
I brought it home.

I cut myself off when I was full rather than stuff more into my face just because I could.
THAT'S progress!

The container of homemade spoon fudge that I leave out on my coffee table for easy access?
Instead of gulping down a giant glob of it this afternoon, I had a teaspoon.
When I eat a giant glob it passes my taste buds so fast there really is not need to have eaten that much.
The teaspoon was enough.

This morning I was hungry around 10:30am but I knew I'd be eating lunch at noon-ish. Instead of letting my hunger - and resentment over wanting to save my appetite - send me into a tailspin of emotional overeating I had a few bites of left over pork chop and (I swear) a tablespoon of beans and rice.
I ate just enough to tide me over till lunch.

I didn't measure anything because I didn't have to.
I just ate till I was no longer hungry.
I stopped my hand from bringing food to my mouth when I'd eaten enough for the time being.

It wasn't that bad and I didn't feel deprived, just more aware.

I'd been feeling so sorry for myself all summer with the knee and the wheelchair and all.
I had my focus on making myself feel better.
And I did.
I ate what my body needed
and lots of it.

I feel nourished.
I feel ready to start coming back to life.

Two of my students want to weight train with me this Fall.

More movement,
less food,
less fat to carry around,
less pain,
more life.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It's just a shift in thinking.
Isn't everything?
This video, featuring Dr. Michelle May, MD, promotes a non-diet approach to healthy living and encourages families to be physically active, eat healthy foods, and strengthen their emotional well-being
click here or click below

Happy Birthday to Me!!

You know, I've learned something today (say that in Stan Marsh's voice from South Park)...
I don't have to weigh 140 pounds to be happy.
I don't have to be an athlete, a dancer, a model or anything that I'm not.
I can just be happy with exactly who I am and where I'm at.

Happy Birthday to me.

On this, the day of my 45th birthday, I have no urge to cry.
I'm really just happy to be alive.
Really.

click here or click below

eat less??

I was talking with my ladyfriend today.
She's gained 100 pounds over the last five years or so and is working to change her body.

We're both in the same farm club.
We drink the raw milk,
eat the grass fed meat,
follow the nourishing traditions way of eating
and struggle with cravings.

We sat at her kitchen table today sipping rooibus tea and trying to figure out why we have such a hard time losing weight while other folks (our examples of other folks were two men we know)
seemed to have it so easy?

We talked about using food for comfort.
We wondered why our goals of walking,
running,
being active,
dancing,
were not as alluring as our TV and night time chocolate.
Shouldn't activity bring us joy and pleasure rather than food?

We discussed how we use our body fat and our comfort food to protect us from having to do things we don't want to do...
like feel painful emotions,
or
exert ourselves,
or
be uncomfortable
or God forbid
deny ourselves of something.

We get furious when we imagine that someone,
anyone,
would try to tell us what to do
or how to eat.

We think: How dare anyone try to take away my food?
I've suffered! Dammit! Leave me alone!

We looked through one of the diet books written by a fellow member of the Weston A. Price Foundation. We looked at the last few pages filled with successful, smiling before and after pics. None of them were morbidly obese to begin with. They had 30 to 40 pounds to lose and they did, easily, according to their testimonies.

We looked through the book at what the diet entailed:
two moderate (small) meals per day.
No snacks.
No sweets except for yogurt (full fat) and fruit.

I noticed the portion sizes.
A salad made with one cup of salad greens as the main ingredient.
3 ounces of meat at a time.
Words like "tablespoon" and "one" made me shake my head in disbelief.
Who could live on such a small amount of food??

When I make a salad it's in a giant salad bowl,
the kind you put in the middle of the table to serve 4 to 6 people.
I eat it all in one sitting without batting an eye.

And measuring spoons?
Those are for recipes.

We were dismayed.

We entertained a thought we didn't like.

Maybe,
we just eat too much.

Could it be that simple?

I was more dismayed for having lived through 3 weight loss surgeries.
Here I am with a compromised stomach, still fat.

My "pouch" isn't a pouch.
It's a stomach.
It's almost as angry as it was 3 years ago when I was on my way into have my RNY bypass.
My portions are ridiculous for gastric bypass standards and large for normal standards.

My ladyfriend suggested that we might try eating less.

It seemed so simple it was absurd.

Eat less?
Like just don't eat so much?
Could it be done??

It was 5pm and we were both hungry.
I said I was going home to make a giant salad.
She suggested I make it half the size of what I usually make.
So, I did.

I came home and ate a nice red pepper with Celtic salt and a few bites of turkey.
I ate less, much less, than I wanted to eat.

The headache that had been raging for the past few days (Herxheimer effect from all the yeast I'm killing off in my gut PLUS lack of caffeine) gonged even louder like Quasimodo was ringing my head in his high tower.

I couldn't stand it.
I made a bowl of popcorn
BUT...and everyone loves a big BUTT...
I made one third the portion I would normally make.

It sated me.

I put my feet up on the sofa and dozed for a bit while watching Scrubs.

Now I'm awake.
The headache is gone.
I'm about to make a small salad and eat a small amount of protein followed by probiotic yogurt.
Maybe.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I could just have a nice piece of fruit.

Could it really be so easy?

Maybe the difficulty is all in our minds.

I do believe it's mental and nutritional.
It would be great to get the two in sync!!

I hope age is all in my mind too.
I turn 45 tomorrow.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Fat as a buffer?
Yeah, we talked about that today.
Big fat women and faith healing?
Being caretakers who don't care for ourselves?
We talked about that too!
Author of "EMOTIONAL FREEDOM" and "POSITIVE ENERGY", Dr. Judith Orloff MD discusses the missing piece to overeating. Why do people overeat? How does one control and combat over eating? Learn how to center yourself with the power of energy. http://www.drjudithorloff.com
click here or click below

Oprah's catching on!

"Jen and Mike are part of a growing movement of farmers
who are discovering that a humane,
hands-on approach to raising farm animals
isn't just wise, ethical or environmentally sensitive
(though it is all those things).
It also results in a better product,
one that conscientious consumers
are willing to pay for.
Beef and milk from grass-fed cattle
and eggs from pastured chickens,
for example, are higher in vitamins A and E
and contain vastly superior
ratios of omega fatty acids."

- High on the Hogs by Celia Barbour
in Oprah Magazine, August 2009

Yep.
It's true.
Grass-fed meat from pastured animals is about to become mainstream thanks to movies like Food, Inc. and (God bless-ed) Oprah!

In the August issue of "O" magazine there's a section of articles on healthy eating with a feature article about a family run, organic pig farm.
That's where I got the quote for today's blog.

Soon the agony of factory farming will end.
Animals will be raised humanely and slaughtered with dignity.
People will get healthier.
We'll eat more fatty protein, less grains and be a nation of slim, agile, calm, happy...

Hey.
A girl can dream, can't she??

For more information on the nutritional value of traditional nourishment visit the Weston A. Price Foundation website (click here) and learn about real nutrition.

If OPRAH'S talking about it...

Proud to be part of Real Food Wednesday!
(click here)



*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Who knew that farmers could be so hot?? ...lol.
Here is a brief interview with Brooks Miller, a farmer from Pennsylvania. Brooks co-owns his farm (click here) with his wife Anna.
They raise grass fed beef, lamb, ranged pork, goat and chickens.
This is a peek into their farming operation.
Recently, Brooks and Anna raised 230 chickens with a death rate below 1%, a significant achievement that says a lot about their farming practices.
click here or click below

Mermaid or Whale??

"Recently, in large French city,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman
appeared in the window of a gym.

It said:
¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WAN T TO BE
A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨
A middle aged woman,
whose physical characteristics
did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question posed by the gym...

...To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends
(dolphins, sea lions, curious humans).
They have an active sex life,
they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time
with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp...

...They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia,
the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved,
protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside
the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to
identity crisis.
Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them
not to mention how could they have sex?
Therefore they don't have kids either.
Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl
who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me;
I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful,
but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream
with my kids,
a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver
and a piece of chocolate
with my friends.
With time we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information
and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy...

...Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror
I will think,
¨Good gosh, look how smart I am.¨
- email making its rounds on the net
Thanks, Patty D!

If it weren't for my health issues I'd just stay fat.
I'm finally at that point in my life.
I'm tired of struggling with my "weight issue"
and really.
What's the issue?

The only issue is my comfort.
My knees are giving out and I don't want to be Type 2 diabetic.

Lucky are the folks who are overweight and are perfectly healthy.
I'm not one of the lucky ones.

BUT and everyone loves a big butttt....
I can love myself in the meantime, fat or not.
I'm worthy with or without fat on my body.

My health has been a concern for so many years.
I've missed out on plenty of things because of my physical and psychological conditions.
I've been an inconvenience to my friends who have had to consider my size and mobility when making plans with me or who have had to understand when I was absent.

The ones who truly love me have accepted me fat, immobile, depressed and all.
They've pushed me around in my wheelchair.
They've sat and watched tv with me for many, many nights when I was too tired or out of it to do much else.
They've shopped for me when I couldn't do it for myself.
They've taken out my garbage when I couldn't carry it.
They've understood when I've said "No thank you" over and over again to social occasions that were too much for me mentally or physically.

They've stuck by me for some reason.

Could it be because there's something worthwhile about me?
(Aw, heck. Now I'm getting all weepy.)
Maybe.
Maybe I'm worth being friends with even in this condition.

Anyone who's become weary of my illnesses,
depression,
hospitalizations
or neediness
isn't around to tell the tale.
Either they dumped me or I dumped them.

Folks who look at what I'm going through and think,
"Well, she brought this on herself"
or folks who can't muster any empathy or sympathy
because my health issues have been going on for
"too long" according to their time line
don't have to be major players in my life.

If they can't accept me for who I am in the here and now,
they are free to go.

This has been the summer of learning about what's valuable.
I'm valuing myself, wheelchair, fat and all.
I'm valuing myself BECAUSE of the wheelchair, fat and all.

The ones who value me are the ones who stuck it out with me.
The ones who weren't around or couldn't be bothered with me and thought it would be better to distance themselves from all my "drama"?
I can no longer afford you a place in my life.

I'm a package deal.
I come with drama.
I don't need fingers wagging,
tongues clicking
or eyes rolling at the latest thing I'm doing for my health,
my latest ailment,
my drama,
my life.

The key word here is MY.
I'm the one who has to live with the consequences of all my choices.
Me.
My life.
My consequences.

I'm here.
I toughed it out.

The ones who toughed it out with me?
They get to swim with the whale.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
omg I need to get this movie for my Women's Studies class!
"Disfigured" is a movie about women & weight.
More info at: www.disfiguredmovie.com
An anorexic woman visits a fat acceptance support group
because she wants to learn how to be big!
Looks like the mermaid and the whales have a real life story to tell.
click here or click below

sshhhhh...baby steps over here!

"My internist might tell me - 'well you are getting older'...


...Yes, we are all getting older.
But pain and suffering and aging
don't have to go hand and hand
-at least not so early in life.
And though I'm not quite young
I'm not quite eligible for social security just yet :)...


...This is why I want to tell you,
and I hope you will listen,
that it's important to get your body
into shape-now-before you are in pain.
By "shape" I don't simply mean losing weight
(though this should come along naturally
by incorporating a fitness routine into your life)...

I mean strengthening your muscles,
improving your flexibility,
cardio endurance,
nutritional intake
and
your posture."
- Joanne Sherwood Nash, CPT
in "Baby Steps to a Fit You"

Getting off the bread was easy.

Getting off of sweets?
Not so easy.
I'm having a hard time over here.

After a day of low carb eating I'm climbing the walls for
either popcorn or an Edy's Fruit bar or some organic dark chocolate.
When I say climbing the walls I mean I feel physically ill unless I have something.
Sometimes a nice big apple is enough.
Most of the time I need a heavy hitter,
like chocolate.

The other night I made my own chocolate yogurt with added probiotics (Garden of Life's 'Primal Defense' one of the best on the market...click here).
That kept my head and gut quiet.
Although it could have been my dairy addiction...

"Yes, it is absolutely possible
that you could be addicted to dairy.
In the book, Breaking the Food Seduction,
author Dr. Neal Barnard explains
how it is actually possible
to have a clear addiction to dairy,
especially cheese.
Ive known several clients,
friends and family
who just LOVE their cheese.
And I use to be one of them!
I could literally sit down with a block
of Crate and Barrel cheese
and plow through it in one sitting.
But in his book, Dr. Barnard cites a study from 1981
from the Wellcome Research Laboratories
in Research Triangle Park, N.C.
that actually revealed traces
of a chemical that was strikingly similar
to MORPHINE...

...The question was,
how did the morphine-like chemical get in the milk
in the first place?
Well, the study revealed that the protein casein
found in milk actually releases
a host of opiates called casomorphins
when digested.
So, when you eat a piece of cheese,
which has a higher concentration of casein than milk,
the casein molecules
are broken down during digestion
and one of the forms of casomorphins
that are released was actually shown to have
1/10 of the pain killing potency of morphine.
If you think about,
this all makes sense from
an infant to mother relationship.
If you think about it, this makes sense:
the mothers milk purposely has a calming effect
in order to ensure the survival of infant.
The milk makes the baby feel good
and thus the baby will want to
continue feeding. "
- The Naked Dish in
'The Truth about Dairy'

I'm fantasizing about the chocolate yogurt right now.
Could be a chocolate addiction.

I'm not sure I care.
Why?

Because I used to be addicted to bread, pasta and wheat products and now I'm not.
If I can beat THAT all-American addiction, I can beat the others.
One baby step at a time.

Right now it's the stepping I'm concerned with.
My body is a wreck after this summer of trials.
I need to bring it back to life.

What's my plan?
I'm considering rejoining the gym at school.
I'll do 20 minute clips of cardio and some low key strength training.
If I do that consistently I'll be fine.

No more hammering on my knees.
I don't care how soft the track is.
All the well-meaning folks who tell me to
walk,
just go for a walk,
walking is so good,
walking is low impact,
walk
walk
walk...
they all need to take a nice sip from a cup of you know what.

These knees need to heal.
I really need to learn to listen to my own body
and tell people to drink their nice cups of stfu.

Too many friggin experts in my life telling me what to do while I struggle to find the courage to do what's right for me.

Let me tell you, this summer has changed me.
I know what I'm capable of.
I taught three classes at two schools from a wheelchair.
That shit was difficult!!
I think I'm toughening up...finally.

Now I need to toughen up physically.
This time I'm doing it the right way.
No exercising outside my fitness level.
No pounding on my fragile joints.
No more than 20 minutes of cardio at a time.
No energy drinks.
No input from unsympathetic sources.

Yes, Baby steps.

Did you know that I can't put one foot in front of the other, heel to toe, without losing my balance??
Things like that need to be addressed,
gently, deliberately and with conviction.

This very second I have one of those headaches coming on.
The caffeine, carb withdrawals are bad.
Ouch.

I'll do what I did for myself last night.
I made a giant honking salad (just red leaf lettuce and red bell peppers with olive oil, salt and pepper) and chew chew chew till the headache goes away.

Chew on that!
Well...I'll chew on that.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
See the loving care these physical therapists are giving their patients?
That's what I need.
Loving, patient, non-pushy rehabilitation.
I deserve to be treated kindly and with great respect,
no yelling,
no pushing,
no finger wagging,
and for God's sake stop trying to motivate me!
I worked from a wheelchair all summer instead of staying home crying and licking my wounds.
Don't insult me by clapping your hands and telling me I can do it.
I KNOW I can do it.
Now shut up unless you're here to help me carry my groceries...lol.
click here or click below

aggravate vs. cause

"To briefly go over the theory for the treatment
of rheumatoid arthritis I would like to make the following points.
First, rheumatoid arthritis
is an example of an inflammatory disease
that has an autoimmune aetiology.
This means, that in some people
their body's immune system
becomes over reactive
and starts 'digesting' its own tissue
-in this case the cartilage that cushions the joints.


Why this reaction against one's own tissue
develops has been the subject of intense scrutiny,
debate and research for many years.
Some think the process is initiated
by an infectious agent,
such as a viral or bacterial infection.
Others point to food allergens,
such as milk proteins...


...as the agents that incite
the immune system
to overreact.
Once set in motion,
this immune overreaction
can become truly destructive
and leave the patient crippled,
even confined to a wheel chair."
- Tom Cowan, MD

"Research shows that people
who are low in omega-3's
have a higher risk of
cancer,
depression,
obesity,
diabetes,
arthritis,
allergies,
asthma,
dementia,
high blood pressure
and an irregular heartbeat.
Studies show women with diets low in omega-3's
are twice as likely to die from a heart attack or stroke.
One reason these ailments are so prevalent
in the United States is that twenty percent
of Americans have omega-3 levels so low they defy detection.
Taking our animals off pasture
has contributed
to the deficiency."
- Why Grass fed Beef?

For all my concerned readers who are telling me that red meat is linked to arthritis based on a recent study out of England (that spoke of grain fed, commercial beef), let me reassure you that GRASS-FED Beef is not the same as GRAIN-FED Beef. Eating beef from animals who are fed corn, soy, grains, live in a stressful environment and are pumped full of hormones and antibiotics is linked to a whole mess of diseases including arthritis.

I'd also like to say that I'm aware that being heavy isn't helping my situation.
Being overweight is definitely a contributing factor in the wear and tear on my joints.
Being fat is aggravating my situation.
BUT and everyone loves a big BUTT...
being fat didn't cause my arthritis,
it aggravated it.
There's a difference.

My unhealthy lifestyle caused my arthritis.
Years of yo-yo dieting and deliberate malnutrition caused it.
Stress caused it.
Soda, artificial sweeteners, corn syrup, junk foods, chemicals, stress, unhappiness, pharmaceuticals, lack of healthy movement, lack of peace of mind, pounding on my joints on pavement and unsupportive shoes caused it.
Poor sleep habits and emotional turmoil caused it.
Being heavy didn't help but being heavy alone didn't cause it.

Being obese is not the one and only causative factor of arthritis or every obese person would have it.

So, when the emergency room doc said my knee was arthritic because I am carrying too much weight I mentally corrected his assertion.
Carrying too much weight isn't helping.
Carrying too much weight made the deterioration happen faster than it would have if I were thin...maybe.
But look around.
There are PLENTY of non-obese folks who have osteo and rheumatoid arthritis.

So EASE UP OFF MY BACK about it, doc!

Too myself...I said that to myself.
I've been discriminated against because of my weight all my life.
It's shitty and I'm used to it.

And I DO want to lose fat off my body.
Life will feel better if I'm lighter and more agile.
I'm building myself up so I can burn off the fat.
The building myself up part has to come first or I'll just be getting more of the same
yo-yo diet, lose, gain, lose, gain, cycle that I've been trapped in all my life while my body slowly breaks.

I'm just not going to do that any more.
I won't go on a "diet".
Rather, I'll find the right way to eat for life.
Eating for life (vitality) for life (for the duration of my time on earth)
is the goal here.

That's what I'm struggling with now.
Changing my life for life.

I was able to walk around the farmer's market today with a cane instead of crutches.
I must be winning the struggle.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
A rheumatoid arthritis diet can be determined if you identify food allergies and eliminate commercial dairy products and gluten containing foods. Dr. Dahlman's all natural protocol will identify foods in your diet that may contribute to your symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis.
click here or click below