making my bed

"In essence we are one,
but in nonsense we are many.
We need essence and nonsense.
Life is for fun;
otherwise
God could have just created everyone
alike
with the same thoughts.
Everything is God's Will.
Nothing happens without His Will.
He allows this chaos.
Why?
He must have thought,
'Only by this chaotic situation
will they really thirst for peace.
Then, if I give them peace,
they will really relish it.'"
- Sri Swami Satchidananda

This is not the way it was supposed to happen.
I was supposed to have the bypass, lose all the weight, have my body lift surgeries and live happily ever after.

I was supposed to use my yearly trip to the Meadowlands Fair as a benchmark to mark my progress from waddling super-obesity to scampering yogini athlete.
That's not how it's unfolding.
I feel like I'm worse off today than I was in 2006 before the surgery.
I'm in a frikken' wheelchair for God's sake!
Hmph. Some benchmark.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
- Isaiah 55:8-9

My higher self - who peeks down at me through the morass of rumination and expectation I surround myself with - knows there is a higher wisdom to all this.
She knows that I needed to crave the wellness more deeply than I have been.
She knows I needed to seek guidance from higher quality sources than I have been.

So I made it happen.
The craving and the seeking are happening from a wheelchair (for at least another 6 weeks).
That is God's plan.
Seek and you shall find.
Crave and you shall be satisfied.
But the quality of the seeking and the craving determine the quality of the finding and the sating.

I've upped my quality.
My life is taking one of the most positive turns it's ever taken, even more so than in 2006 when I had the surgery.

I'm taking my health to a higher level.
I feel I'm doing it the right way this time.

I wake up in the morning and make my bed.
That's huge, HUGE!
I haven't made my bed since....come to think of it I never made my bed.
Not ever.
As a kid I wasn't allowed to make my own bed because, according to my mother, I wouldn't do it right.

When I was a teenager I left the bed unmade for spite.
When I moved to my own apartment I never made my bed.
Why would I?
I was the only one who was ever in my room.
Who cared if I had an unmade bed?

That unmade-bed habit stayed with me for the past 21 years.
My bed stayed unmade until last Wednesday, May 27th when I began the first phase of my new life habits.
In order to do my morning exercises, my bed needs to be made.
So I've been making my bed.

Nothing fancy.
I'm on crutches when I'm in my apartment so there's no tucking or bouncing a quarter on the taught sheets.
But it's a made bed that people and cats can sit upon.
I like it.

I like the Lisa who makes her bed.
She's cool.
I'm cool.

"Contemplate the value of loving self
over sacrificing self."
- Antonio Valladares

None of this would be happening the way it's happening if I had not hit rock bottom (again) with this ruptured tendon in my knee.

Thank God I hurt my knee.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The Fair is coming!
The Fair is coming!
Here's my favorite attraction.
The sleazy, weird, freaky, cool, old-timey
classic World of Wonders Sideshow with the veteran carny
Ward Hall.
click here or click below

one year

I wake up in the morning and do deep breathing exercises, then my brain boost exercises, then my glut exercises and finish it up with more deep breathing.

My inhale has gone from 4 seconds to 6 since Tuesday.
Things don't bother me as much throughout the day.
I'm changing....again.

When my nutritionist/trainer asked how long I thought it would take me to get well I answered,
"One year."

He's a very even kinda guy.
He's passionate but he's not passionate in a Darren kinda way (click here for Darren).
I'd call him dispassionate but you can look at him and tell he cares.
He's also very committed to spreading the truth about food.
He'll drop the F bomb a lot if he's trying to prove a point, but over all, he's calm to the point of sooothing.

So when he asked me how long it would take to get healthy and I answered, "One year" he paused.
He blinked.
Pointed to my paperwork where I indicated that I've been morbidly obese, clinically depressed and sickly since I was 23
and
asked me to do the math.

I had spent how many years living in that condition?
22 years.
I've been morbidly obese for 22 years.
I've been overweight since childhood.

He asked me to think about how long I'd spent being sick and tired, how many years I'd spent developing my current less-than-healthy habits, how long it took to get myself into the condition I was in - broken, tired, at a weight loss plateau and on crutches with joints that were not healing.

He asked me again, how long I thought it would take me to get healthy.
I answered, "One year."

"Well, you can certainly make some drastic improvements in your health in a year's time," he conceded.

On May 26, 2010 let's hope the earth is still spinning so I can see how far I've come.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Throw out your pasteurized milk and get a cow!
lol
For some reason, my name is in the tags for this video.
That's awesome!
Here it is.
Enjoy.
click here or click below

My Speech at the Mirror, Mirror Awards

I was crying after listening to
what the nominators said about me.
Who wouldn't?
It was an honor to receive
the 2009 "Mirror, Mirror Award" from
The Women's Center, Equity and Diversity Programs
and Health Promotion
at Montclair State University.

The "Mirror, Mirror" Award recognized individuals in the MSU community who respect, celebrate and appreciate their body, are proud of their unique assets, and refuse to accept media images of perfection. Most importantly, award recipients embrace happiness and confidence from within and act as a source of inspiration to those around them.
Click here or click above

wheels for legs

I'm seeing the world from a wheelchair-ed perspective and it ain't pretty.
Doorways are too narrow.
Furniture is set up so that a person coming into a classroom in their wheelchair can't maneuver around.
Elevator doors don't stay open long enough.
Slight inclines in the pavement become impossible Rushmores to climb.
Forget about going to the bathroom and forget about getting a big, bulky wheelchair into an economy car.

I have newfound respect for people with disabilities.
It's amazing that any of them keep a positive attitude in a world that's built for the abled.

But I'm also learning about the kindness of strangers.
Folks care.

Three different people offered to help me today as I struggled to wheel myself uphill.
I accepted help from two of them.
They actually pushed me in my chair to my next destination.

In the past, acts of kindness like those would have made me cry.
Today they simply reassured me that I am a person in this world.
I cannot hide out from my fellow human beings.
Interacting with people is more than being the center of attention in front of the room.
It's more than my online comfort zone.
It's more than Superpoking on Facebook.

Being a person in the world requires actually talking WITH people not just talking TO them.
Oy!
My spirit self is really trying to cram in the karmic lessons that I tried so hard to avoid for the first half of my life.

So, no.
I didn't cry over the kindness of strangers.

I'll tell you when I did cry.
When I couldn't get my wheelchair back in the car.
Too heavy.
And my backseat is not big enough.
Without the use of both my legs I could not get in the right position to force the darn thing into my car.

Undaunted, I decided I would empty my trunk and put it in there!
So smart...
or so I thought.

Nope.
Even with a completely empty trunk I could not get the wheel chair to fit.
It jutted out over the back bumper of my car like a big bulky chrome monster.
Exhausted, I called my parents.

My 79 year old father and 85 year old mother pulled up next to me in the parking lot to rescue me.
That's when I cried.

Is that why this injury is came about?
To help me squeeze the last bit of childcare out of my parents before they're too old
to do things for themselves let alone me?
To get them to take care of me in my helpless, childlike state before they leave this earth?

It must be... because I broke down sobbing just now.

I'm certainly being forced to confront LOTS of issues during this knee event.

By the time this is over I'll have outgrown myself.
Time to make a new self.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Today producer/director Sally Blake (she's the one with the short hair,
denim jacket and khaki pants)
came to see me about filming me for the documentary
'Peep Me'.
Four out of five of my cats came out to meet her.
They decided she's good people...lol.
click here or click below

wheelchair

Quick blog today.

Knee update: I traded in my scooter for a wheelchair.
The scooter was not working to keep the weight off my knee.
I am now rolling around like John Lock saying, "Never tell me what I can't do!"

Nutrition update: I have a headache from abstaining from caffeine and dairy.
I'm eating protein with EVERYTHING I put in my mouth.
I'm craving everything from diet soda to ice cream.
Plain water never tasted so awful.

It's funny how ADDICTION DRIVEN we are and don't even know it.
Addictive poisons are in everything from Propel water to sugar free IceBreakers.

I'm going through withdrawals.


And here's what I WANTED to talk about today.

An excerpt from Hal's blog about his presentation at a Harvard Coop bookstore:

*A woman in her fifties who looked away whenever the screen showed something particularly upsetting like the naked wizard being tazered, a woman being spanked, or a woman revealing her abdomen days after gastric bypass surgery. She later spoke elegantly and thoughtfully about how much this whole phenomenon disturbed her.

Guess who the "woman revealing her abdomen days after gastric bypass surgery" is??
Guess what woman in her fifties probably can't even look at herself naked in the mirror let alone me or a nude wizard?

Gotta go teach now
wheelchair and all.

getting my spirit back

Here I am at 270 ready to begin ....again.
Having lost 150 pounds
and regained 30,
I stand on a ruptured right knee tendon
with my disability scooter.

I may look tired, spent and defeated,
but my spirit is lifting me.
My soul knows where to lead me
and I follow.

"The individual must seek a personal
and responsible spiritual life.
I just 'jump-start' the energy,
but the person must keep
the vehicle operational."
- Ron Roth

I've always been good at finding just the right teacher at just the right time in my life.
I give myself credit for that.
It's rough giving myself credit for anything considering my challenges with self-esteem and self-worth.
Challenges noted,
credit still given....to me.

I'm finally learning that I have the power to heal myself.
Given the right information to work with, I can get well.

That part is tricky.
Getting the right information has been a labyrinthine journey through
all kinds of half-truths and disheartening endeavors.

I dare not call any of them unworthy because that would be false.
They've all been worthy.
Every experience,
every so called 'mistake',
every dimwit doctor,
every surgery,
accident,
class,
crush,
boyfriend,
financial mishap,
dissolved friendship,
fight,
cut-off,
any and every regrettable action has lead me
to further understand myself.
Everything I've done has brought me that much closer to divine understanding.

The main regrets I have are for the time I spent playing it safe,
binge eating myself into a stupor,
staying put in my comfort zone for longer than I needed,
but even that wasted time plays a part in my becoming well.

At age 23 I did not have the same sense of urgency as I do now at 44.
Back then I had all the time in the world, so it seemed.
Now, I know what it means to be middle aged.
I'm at my mid life.
This shit just got urgent.

In a nutshell:
I saw the nutritionist/trainer today.
Darren was with me.
We spent two and a half hours learning to ...I want to type 'fly' but
'eat' is more accurate.
I have clear instructions for food consumption
and movement with the aim of getting healthy.

Will I go into detail??
Of course I will.
Just not today.

My third eye is so squeaky clean I don't want to get any fingerprints on it just yet.
Let me BE with this for right now.

Oh, I should add to that nutshell.
My main spiritual/health issues
are third chakra related.

Yeah.
Third chakra issues involve one's ability to "stand up".
If you think about it symbolically is it any wonder that I'm having trouble standing?

Oh, the wonderful wacky world of wellness.
Time to step into it and stand.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
My right to be an individual?
Wow.
It is true.
I let other people's expectations of me determine too many of my decisions.
Time to correct!
Listen to Brenda Stanger of WolfWindAwakening.
click here or click below

no Q !

No sun or barbecues for me today.

I can't maneuver my beach chair outside while I'm on these crutches.
Sure, I could cheat.
I can put my weight on my ruptured knee just for a few seconds.
But I already did that today when I decided I just HAD to wrap ivy around my front railing and take down the Easter decorations.
Just for a few moments I put weight on the bad knee so I could maneuver around.
Then my knee flared up and I had to take pills to quiet it down.

So, no.
It would NOT be worth it to cheat my knee just to get my chair outside, let alone consider how I could possibly get comfortable on a folding deck chair right now.

And, no, I will not be attending any barbecues today.
As lovely as the weather is here in NJ I'll pass on the opportunity to sit on someone's
hard, uncomfortable outdoor furniture in the hot sun while folks look at me sideways for eating fatty meat. The carby salads (starch plus mayonnaise) aren't on my menu so, what am I missing?
Oh, right, being hit in the head with a Frisbee...lol.

I had three barbecue invitations all of which I had to politely decline.
No regrets, really.
I'm comfortable here at home.

I just simmered up some Amish breakfast sausage to a nice crisp.
That's my barbecue.

I'm continuing to clean and sort and get my living quarters in order after a harried semester.
That 70's Show is keeping me company in the background.

I'm having human company later, long after the holiday sun has set.
A loving friend is coming to help me do things that I cannot do for myself while on my crutches.

I have plenty to be thankful for today.
I miss the sun, but I'll be in it soon enough.

It's not even June!
I've got time, God willing.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Hey, did that kid just call that donkey an a$$hole?
lol
Next thing I'm frying up for myself: Amish livers worth pudding (like liverwurst only better).
Happy Memorial Day!
click here or click below

lil' help here

A friend asks how you're doing.
A dear friend brings you chicken soup.
A best friend does 12 loads of your laundry,
takes out your garbage,
assembles your sundial that you won at a tricky tray two years ago,
feeds your cats,
fills all your ice trays (with the good water from the filter),
shakes out your throw rugs,
replaces the little white lights in your ficus tree,
does chores for your mother,
makes you coffee...

are you getting the picture?
I am truly blessed to have loving friends.

Matt and Sarah have been working with me all day getting stuff done.
Me doing what I can from my lame-o position.
Them doing the heavy stuff.

Usually I'd be doing all this end-of-the-semester cleaning myself
then patting myself on the back for it here on my blog.

This Spring's message was to
be humble,
vulnerable
and grateful for friends who love me and support me when I'm sick.

And grateful I am.

I was so afraid of being a "burden" to my friends that I hadn't asked for help.
Good thing they offered.

I think I"ll treat us to Chinese food and an ice cream cake.
We've more than earned it :-)

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
In addition to a few episodes of HOUSE, we
started rewatching LOST this weekend.
First Season 5, now Season 1.
Ah, more memories.
click here or click below

automatic healing

If I did nothing, my knee would heal.

"Just be" said my healer.
"You don't have to DO anything. Just be," he said.

I'm still wrestling with the meaning of that.
But I did have a breakthrough in that arena.
I recalled something Joel Goldsmith said in the book "The Art of Spiritual Healing".
He talked about the absurdity of praying "for" things.
He talked about the leaves on the trees and blossoms of spring.
None of these flowerings of nature require us to pray for them to happen.
They just happen.

God shows forth in the becoming of things.
It's always happening, always vibrating into states of being, never stuck, never still.

Same with my knee.
My miraculous body (our miraculous bodies) are in healing mode all the time.
New cells are generating.
Skin is renewing itself.
Cuts are healing.
Food is being turned into energy.
Air is being turned into fuel for the blood to carry to every little section of hour bodies.
No prayer needed.
No focus needed.
Nothing for us to do, except to be.

Maybe THAT'S what he meant.

Is it helpful to focus and pray and meditate and visualize?
Sure it is.
But even if I sat here and played Scrabble for 4 weeks, my knee would still heal.
That's the epiphany.

I don't have to DO anything.
Just be.
The healing is happening.
It runs on automatic.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Throw someone a beach ball full of energy.
Throw some at my right knee while you're at it!
Energy balls.
All good.
click here or click below

Who does she think she is??

"...American society
is still deeply entrenched
in the idea that
a mother cannot be anything else.
As the women attempt
to struggle past this stereotype
and into artistic relevance,
they often find themselves
ostracized from family members and friends,
who very traditionally believe
in the places a woman should
and shouldn’t be in society"

- review of Who Does She Think She Is?


"Hey, I wonder what Susan Powter thought
about herself when she was a fat Mom
with a couple kids stuffed in a playpen,
while she walked up and down whatever road she lived on?

And how did Oprah feel
when she was trying to get jobs in news
before African Americans were on TV?

And what did Richard Simmons think
about when he was a fat kid
being teased by everyone?
I don't get people who anonymously comment
on someone else's life."
- my wise Ladyfriend D

That movie producer is coming over this week.
What weird timing.
Me with my leg brace and crutches, in my weakened state, scooting or crutching around.
I feel like a mess.

I mean really. Who do I think I am??

Isn't that the question that they're asking me?
Based on the skepticism in the Playboy article where I'm accused of being delusional to think I could end up on Oprah or walking the red carpet I have a feeling they're not coming over here with their cameras to applaud me.

Yet, I want to be part of the project.
Why?
I love the idea of being called delusional for thinking I can succeed.
I love it.
It's the best motivation I could conjure.
Proving someone wrong when they doubt me?
I thrive on that kind of challenge.

I remember Hal sounding a bit impatient with me on the phone when I insisted that I could grow my blog readership, put out books and product and be some sort of motivational guru.
He asked something like, "What kind of example are you setting? You're telling people they can blog themselves a new persona and get famous? What makes you think that because a few like minded people read your blog that you can end up on Oprah?"

I'm paraphrasing but that was the gist.

I don't get 1000s of hits per day on my blog I get a few hundred.
But a blog is like a book, or any product really.
It's readership is only as big as the net you cast promoting it.

When I do talks my blog hits jump.
When I promote my blog I get more readers.
I started with less than 50 hits per day.
Now I approach 200.
I've more than tripled my regular readership since I started this.

How?
By getting the word out that my blog exists.

Sure only a few like minded people read my blog now. That's because only relatively few people know about it. When it's time to get out there and work harder, I will.

As far as other people trying this and being disappointed...so what?
Who said life should be disappointment free?

Look at all those kids, thousands of them, who try out for American Idol every year.
A fraction of a percentage make it to TV.
A fraction of a fraction of that make it to the competition.

What should we do with all those thousands of dreamers who originally came to try out?
The majority of them will go home disappointed.
But I wouldn't rob them of their moment in front of the try-out judges just to spare them disappointment.

Let them be better for having tried.
And they should keep trying.
If they're getting nothing out of pursuing their dreams then they should course correct and try something else.

It takes courage to pursue your dreams.
People are attracted to stories about that.
Everyone loves rooting for the underdog.
Why?
Because most of us are underdogs.

In that video clip from Canadian TV
Hal says I'm giving advice like I'm Dr. Phil.
My friends and students laugh at that.

Half of them recognize that I don't tell people what to do on my blog.
I tell people to "watch me" and learn from my mistakes.
I tell them to take the evidence of what I'm doing and make their own decisions.
The other half
think I'm damn good at giving "advice" and call me wise and inspirational.

So whom should I believe:
the skeptics who think it's foolish that a fat middle aged spinster with cats is dreaming of being on the NY Times Bestseller list and Oprah
or
should I believe the
folks who know me
have been affected by me
have heard me teach or speak
who read my blog regularly
and are rooting for me on my journey?

There are plenty of ideas out there, plenty of opinions.
None of them are true.

Focus determines reality not opinion.

If you want to call my focus delusional, so be it.
One man's delusion is another woman's reality.

Who do I think I am?

I am the one who can, the one who will, the one who can help others do the same.
Cuz I say so.
That's who.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...I'm all about the upside..."
Yep.
That's me.
click here or click below

crutch fairies

"Devastatingly, surfers who overshare
in an effort to find community
– like many using amateur porn sites –
wind up feeling
more alone than ever."
- Susan G. Cole in her review of "The Peep Diaries"

"Do you believe that
seeking a spiritual path
makes you superior to other people,
or that it makes God
more aware of you
than of others who are not as involved
in a spiritual path
as you are?"
- Carolyn Myss, PhD.

Walking on crutches was difficult.
Crutch crutch pause.
Catchy my breath.
Crutch crutch pause.
Hang there like a wet scarecrow after a storm.
Crutch crutch....

"Are you ok?
Do you need some help?"

A woman in a terracotta colored hijab stopped a few paces ahead of me
and turned to look at me with concern.

"I know how hard it is to be on crutches.
I just got off of them," she said as she lifted her pant leg to show
me her wrapped ankle.

Still hanging like a scarecrow I asked her what happened.
She told me she broke her ankle and that she was on crutches for two months.

We stood there and chatted a bit.
She told me how her armpits hurt and how glad she was to be off the crutches.
I reassured her that I'd be ok, I just had to get used to them.

She asked again if she could help.
I wish she could have.

How else could I get from my classroom to my car?

I had a backpack on my back (which is acting as my temporary purse for this ordeal).
Aside from being carried there was no way for anyone but me to help me.
Or so I thought.

As I neared the elevator another woman approached me asking if I was OK.
She asked if anyone had taught me to walk on crutches.
I said No.
That was not entirely true.
28 years ago when I had my broken leg (that stayed broken for 3 years)
the physical therapists had taught me to walk on crutches, but it's not like riding a bike or swimming. Without practice I had forgotten how to crutch.

Her name was Ellen.
She stood there with me and taught me how to walk.
Crutches and injured leg forward then good leg.

She said it looked like my crutches were too low.
She adjusted them for me then watched me walk to make sure they were the right height.
They were too high so she adjusted them again, then showed me how to make the adjustments myself.

The lesson helped but not enough.
My arms were getting weak from the new exertion.
I was wobbly.
I kept putting my injured leg down for balance.
The whole point of using the crutches was to stay off my leg so it could heal.
The crutches weren't helping me enough.

Now what?
I thought about renting a wheelchair.
I'm still thinking about renting a wheelchair.
But that's not what I did.

Instead, I bought a scooter.
Not an electric scooter.
I bought a little bikey on wheels.

I can either kneel with the bad leg and push along with the good leg
or sit on it and push along with both legs.

It's fun.
It's silly.
It's a feel-the-burn workout for my calves (and thighs, and abs).
It's easy to toss into the back seat of my car.
It makes me feel light hearted instead of crippled.

It's keeping me off my leg.

I've named it Scooty Puff Jr.

Pictures forthcoming.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I don't know if I ever posted this video here.
Well if I did, see it again.
If I didn't, enjoy it for the first time!
click here or click below

no shame

"Do issues that get swept under the carpet
actually seep down to the abyssal plains,
that fester and cause negative behaviours
on the surface?"
- Ruth the blogger

"No one's rooting for the pessimistic social critic.
They're rooting for the little fat girl who could."
- me contemplating preivence's comment

Points of view are so funny.
We're so sure we have the truth about stuff.
Then we (I) pontificate about it to hear ourselves sounding oh-so-logical.
We write to convince ourselves that our point of view is correct.
Then other people read our stuff and agree with us.
We're validated.

When folks disagree with us we get to clarify our point of view even further.
Our stance becomes more sturdy when others poke at us.
We become strong by defending ourselves.

The danger in that is our unwillingness to change what we've been defending.
We carve a groove so deep with our defensiveness, we become so invested in our viewpoint, that we become unwilling to consider that we might be mistaken or that there is benefit in altering our sturdy, groovy stance.

I'm an advocate for change.
I do it publicly.
I admit when I'm wrong.
Course correcting is an essential part of my life.
I'm not afraid to look foolish doing it.

For instance my adamant posts denouncing saturated fat.
I remember insisting that red meat was bad, just plain bad.
I remember swearing off butter forever.
Mayonnaise would never cross my lips again in this lifetime.
Fats were the enemy.
I even told a student of mine that cheese was the enemy and to avoid it.

Now look at me.
After becoming sick and depressed on a low fat diet.
I'm changing my tune.
Saturated fats are my friend.

Will I go back and change or delete what I've written?
No way.

This blog is about process.
I'm getting well and this is what it looks like.
Watch me succeed. Watch me fail.
Succeed. Fail. Succeed. Fail.
This is what process looks like.

So when an anonymous commenter pokes at me for participating in a documentary about 'Peep Culture' and suggests that I'm allowing myself to be exploited for my "freakishness" I have to tilt my head and blink in disbelief.

That comment is so alien to who I am and what I believe.

They think I'm freakish because I'm an obese woman with cats who blogs about being famous someday?
How is that freakish?
I don't get it.

Being obese certainly isn't freakish in Western society.
It's the norm.
Cats?
Most people I know have or have had pets.
Celebrity obsessed?
I've had my fan crushes but not enough to call me celebrity obsessed. I don't even have any links in my sidebar to suggest that.

Exploited?
That's the one that really gets me.
I am fully aware of the nature of the 'Peep Me' documentary.
I'm not sure I agree with Hal but I'm willing to help him make his point.
And yes, I recall that he called me 'delusional' in the Playboy article.
So?

I'm glad there's someone who thinks I'm nuts for believing I can be 'some motivational guru' based on the success of my blog (and my public speaking, and teaching but that's not really part of Hal's thesis).
I WANT someone to call me crazy.
Why?
It's motivation to prove them wrong.
I'm not motivated to prove Hal wrong on his assessment of Peep Culture in general
(he may be on to something there).
But about me??
I would not characterize myself as delusional when it comes to my visions.
I know, I know, visions, delusions, tomato, tom-ah-toe...lol.

Motivational guru?
Of course I will be.
I'm not there yet.
In the meantime it's appropriate to have reasonable doubts.
Overcoming those doubts is part of the success story.

I believe my future is full of increase
and not simply based on the readership here.
I believed in increase the day I started blogging, heck long before!
I KNEW this would make a great story and I knew that watching it unfold day by day would be interesting to people.

I'm not alone in this struggle.
Issues of weight, diet, body image, self esteem are broad concerns.

There's no way I'm staying silent about any of it.
If I look foolish to someone, who cares?
I look brave to those who need to feel less alone, less ashamed, and more hopeful.

Freakish,
foolish,
brave,
inspiring,
delusional,
hopeful.
Who has the truth?

They're all just points of view.

I've got a story to tell and I'm telling it, from my point of view.
I'm telling it as it's happening.

Shame never led to lasting change.
Shame does not lead to wellness.

Guess I'm just a shameless freak.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Hal's a busy guy.
It's cool that he still has time to grow lettuce.
He says it's a compliment to be called a pessimist.
What a coincidence.
I think it's a compliment to be called a freak! ;-)
click here or click below

damaged hyper drive

Since I can't rest with my knee up on pillows (I have to work for a living)
I had to surrender to my situation.
I now have a big knee brace with velcro with metal hinges and am using crutches.

Talk about your upper body work out!!
Using crutches while keeping the weight off my right leg is much harder than I expected.
I'm out of breath after walking (or is it crutching) 2 or 3 yards.

I'd rent a wheelchair but my apartment is not wheelchair accessible and the cost is about the same as renting a small car.

But you know me.
I'm not letting stinky rubber crutch pads, super exertion and decreased mobility get me down.
I went to NYC today to meet my new nutritionist as planned.

Everything seemed under control (remember that phrase 'under control').
I had planned ahead.
I had mailed by packet of questionnaires ahead of time.
Darren was with me.
He was to drop me off right near the door so I wouldn't have to crutch too far.
I had directions with me.
Everything was under control....except it wasn't.

I felt like Han Solo every time he tried to jump to light speed in Empire Strikes Back.
I pulled my Millennium Falcon lever and whurp whurp whurp whurp whurp bleh.
The hyper drive failed to engage.

"It's not my fault!"

Not under control at all.
I did not have my nutritionist/trainer's phone number with me which proved to be a problem when I showed up at his mailbox address rather than his studio.

I called 311, then 411.
Information had no listing.
Trying to access the internet via my cel phone to get his number failed.

By the time we got around to two wrong addresses it was an hour past my appointment time.
Crestfallen, I told Darrent to just drive back to Jersey.
I would have to reschedule.
But first, I had him take me to the medical supply store.
It was time to accept my condition and buy a giant honkin' knee brace (complete with velcro and metal hinges, yadda yadda....yeesh).

As we drove through Manhattan on this gloriously sunny 72 degree day, I began to sulk.
Mind you, I'm with Darren.
Darren is a portable "no-sulking-zone".
He was not going to let this misfire ruin our day.

"What should I be doing that I'm not doing??"
I demanded of him.

"You go over these things in your head too much," he said, "you have to have everything all figured out all the time. You think about it too much. Just take action!"

His advice just got me thinking more.
Action.
Action??

My healer tells me to "just be".
Darren tells me I think too much.
And here I am in the passenger seat of my own car asking,
"Why am I such a mess??"

Pain is messy and icky and awful.
Crutches smell and are more work than I'm fit for (right now).
My house is a mess.
My laundry is piled up.
I have a movie producer coming and I'm self conscious of my dust and cobwebs and dirty floor.

I feel all gunked up and totally out of control.

Is that what I've attracted to myself?
Out of control-ness??

I rescheduled with my nutritionist/trainer for next week.
In the meantime, he's asked me to keep a food log.
That's something I can do.

No problem.

Everything's under control....no, wait.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Maybe if I identified with peaceful Obi Wan instead of flawed,
anxious, fly by the seat of his pants Han Solo....
well, I just wouldn't be me.
"...never tell me the odds!"
click here or click below

so I write

Hey! Where's the one for Celebrity Blogger??

Did you check out the video I posted yesterday?
Yes, I am a fascinating character.
I seem to think that because people read my blog that I have something to say that's of value.

Hal compared me to Dr. Phil.
I'm not sure if I should be flattered or insulted.
I'll be neither.

What I do is report on my life.
I write about where I'm at.
I let my readers know what I'm doing and how I'm doing.
Even when I fail, I write about it.

I don't see Dr. Phil doing any of those things.

Hal talked about how we're trading in our private lives for celebrity.
That tradeoff would matter to me if I placed a high value on privacy.
When it comes to certain issues I believe openness has more value.

He mentioned how I've blogged about picking at my skin and how descriptive I am about the fat on my body.
Are those things supposed to be private matters?
I'm sick and looking for a cure.
Why would I stay silent about it?

Husbands who hit their wives used to rely on silence to keep their dirty secrets private.
Domestic violence is not over yet, but getting it out into the open was a step toward healing it.
The shame, secrecy and privacy kept women prisoners of polite society where it was considered "low class" to air out their dirty linen in public. Meanwhile they're being abused behind closed doors and feeling ashamed about it, blaming themselves and staying silent.

Not me.
I'm airing out my linens for all to see.
Why?
Because I'm not alone in this.

Do you know how many people wrote to me to say, "I do the same thing" when I wrote about my skin picking habit?

The sadness and isolation associated with being morbidly obese is not something I'm willing to stay quiet about. The outcries of "me too!" are evidence that talking about it is a step toward healing.

In the video Hal says that I think I'm going to be some sort of motivational self-esteem guru when just a year ago (2 years plus, now) I couldn't walk.
Doesn't he know that motivational speakers always have a story?
We overcome hardships, learn and then go talk about it.
That's the formula.

Any speaker (any good speaker) knows that the story is what people come to hear.
No one wants to hear a success story with no problems in it.
The more rock bottom a person has fallen the better the story.
People don't want to be lectured at (trust me, I know).
People want to be moved.
Stories of struggle and triumph are what move people.

Hey, I haven't hit my happily ever after yet but I'm moving forward.
And if at first I don't succeed, I'll fail, fail again.
Then I'll write about it.

May as well learn from my mistakes, right?
And so I write.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Our suffering should not be a source of shame.
In order to heal we must heal each other.
In order to find each other we must speak up.
Here is another issue that was once a dirty secret.
Not any longer!
click here or click below

On TV!!

click here or click below

TVO, based in Toronto, Ontario,
is Canada's largest public educational media organization,
and offers unique thought-provoking programming
and Web resources that empower people
to become more engaged, better informed citizens.

evidence will show

I HOPE that anyone considering weight loss surgery
will look at the evidence.

Check out the blogs of folks who are a few years post-op.
Even if the people are thin, PLEASE look at their health overall bef0re you decide
that they're healthy and that you're going to have surgery.

WLS is a quick fix for folks who are dangerously obese and need to lose a few hundred pounds fast in order to save their lives.

As a lifestyle?
It's unhealthy.
I don't care what shakes you're drinking.

We tend to look at people who are slim and automatically assume that they're healthy.
We don't look at their skin to see if they have rashes
or food allergies
or look at their lungs and how well they breathe
or their mood swings and depression
or their chronic ailments
or smell their breath
or look at their teeth
or check out their sex drive
or clarity of thinking
or bone density
or general level of happiness.

Heck, I can name hundreds of indicators of health.
But we've been conditioned to believe that a slim person is a healthy person.
Then we buy into diets and surgeries to make us slim thinking that if we're slim we're automatically healthy.

Folks see that WLS patients, like me, have lost weight.
They shower us with praise for our virtuous weight loss.
We're told how good we look
and we forget about the rest of our health.

I warn you.
If you're considering weight loss surgery ask yourself if you're doing it to get slim or to get healthy.

If 'healthy' is the answer then ask yourself if rearranging your digestive tract and purposefully diminishing your body's ability to absorb nutrients is really the way to go.

If you're looking at evidence, check out the folks who have had the surgeries and are now a few years out.
Many of us gained weight back.
Many of us have other health problems directly related to the surgery.
Many of us have mysterious health issues that popped up after the surgery but that the docs can't find a direct correlation for.
Many of us, though slim, are sick in other ways.

Is that what you want?

I was convinced that my high grain, high fiber, low fat way of eating was going to save me.
It didn't.
It made me sick.

There are posts on this blog where I adamantly advise my readers to stay away from saturated fat.
I based my assumptions on how other people appeared to be doing and on the mainstream beliefs based on commercially funded research.

I looked at evidence.

There were so many seemingly healthy people who were living the high carb, lean protein, low fat life and doing well with it. (And when I say 'well' I mean they're thin and active. I have no idea about the rest of their health.)

Now, based on how sick I was and on new evidence,
I'm going primal.
My food pyramid looks like this:

Hey!
Where's the raw milk on the pyramid?

Ok. This one has eggs! lol
Notice the meat and dairy are from pasture, grass-fed animals.

The evidence in favor of this traditional way of eating is strong.
BUT and everyone loves a big BUTT...it's just as strong as the evidence in favor of Susan Powter's high grain, low fat way of eating.

The evidence I'm going on?
The high grain, lean protein, low fat way of eating made me feel and look like crap.
So far on this traditional path, I'm improving steadily.

Let's see how I fare eating the traditional way.

The evidence will be here for you to see.
I've got nothing to hide.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
OH
MY
GAWD!!
He's talking about me!!
I was just looking for a video about Hal Niedzviecki's new book
(I'm in it) and THIS came up!!!
I'm fainting over here!
click here or click below

I told the tell

At our meeting on Wednesday,
Kevin Brown showed the traditional diet's
food pyramid (above).
Notice the lack of grains.

"We eat too much because in the 1970s
the McGovern committee
convinced us we need to live primarily on
low-fat grains
and other starches.
We eat too much because
our insulin levels are too high...

...In other words,
we eat too much
because we’re too damned hungry.
And we’ll stay hungry
as long as we continue living on foods
that spike our blood sugar
several times per day...

...But as usual,
the experts have the cause and effect confused:
From a public policy perspective,
expectations regarding what can be achieved
with exercise need to be lowered
and emphasis should be shifted toward
encouraging people to eat less, Swinburn says...


...No, from a public policy perspective,
emphasis should be shifted toward
encouraging people to drastically reduce
their consumption of carbohydrates;
do that, and the “eating less”
will take care of itself...

But in a country where sugar,
wheat and corn
are all subsidized by the taxpayers,
I don’t expect this kind of policy shift
to happen anytime soon."
- Tom Naughton

How did the event go on Wednesday?
Splendid!
Thanks for asking.

We had 40 or so people for our first Weston A. Price Foundation Passaic-Montclair Chapter meeting. Some in the audience were members. Some were folks who were interested in finding out who we are.

I got up in front of my room with my cane and my size 270 pound body.
No, I'm not an expert on nutrition, but I am an expert on my own experience.
What I've bounced back from over the past 5 months is worth the tell.
So I told.

I joked that I felt like Yoda up there with my cane,
only Yoda is more agile...lol.
I told them how I changed my diet and how I am slowly getting my energy, hair,
skin and outlook back.

Now, I'm ready to take on more wellness.

Once I've shed another 100+ pounds then I can speak as an expert on traditional foods.
For now I'm an expert on me and that's plenty.

The knee is slowly healing.
I called and had my fourth session of healing yesterday.
I'm impatient. I want this fixed.
I asked my healer what I had to DO to heal this knee.

He told me I didn't have to DO anything.
He said that's why the knee knocked me on my butt in the first place, to get me to
stop doing and to just BE.

I admit I have no idea how to do that.
Or be that.
Or be being.

I can do being.

But to just BE?

I'm clueless.

I know how to nap and nap I shall!

I can be in my sleep.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Calories alone do NOT produce insulin.
All calories are NOT created equal.
A calorie is not simply a calorie.
"...calories don't produce insulin all by themselves.
Macronutrients do.
Carbs, followed by protein,
followed by fat,
produces almost no insulin response at all.
...Beef produces a release of glucacon, which encourages fat-burning.
Pasta doesn't. "
says Tom Naughton.
click here or click below

for the love of Xander

I had a dream about Xander from Buffy.
I liked him and he didn't like me back.
In my dream I blamed myself for being fat and unattractive.

And so it goes.

Xander represents something.
All characters in dreams represent something.
They're parts of our psyches expressing themselves.

He's the ideal lover,
It's one that probably doesn't exist, but he exists as an idea.
And as an idea, I've determined that I'm not good enough for him.
He's handsome, young, funny, desired by other women.
Somewhere in myself I've decided that I'm not entitled to that.
"That" meaning the love, affection and attention of someone whom I find attractive.

That theme has been expressing itself in my life for years
and even though I believe I found the root of it in my childhood relationship in my father,
the theme is still running its course.

If someone were telling me this story I'd tell them to go reconcile with their father, but I've done that. We've had the heart to heart where I told my father how I felt and he tearfully apologized for all the hurts in my childhood.

Did I forgive him?
I thought I had.

Maybe the dream isn't about that.
Maybe it isn't all that deep.
Maybe I simply have a desire for a sexy boyfriend who loves me.
The issue that I need to work on involves letting go of the idea that I should deserve love by being thin.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"When a man loves you, no one else will do."
Do you know how many videos pop up on YouTube when you search for 'Attracting Love'??
How is it that we're all searching for the same thing and not finding it?
I like Elsa's advice.
She says that we're misguided when we alter ourselves to try to fit a beauty ideal.
We're trying to be attractive to too many people when we really only need to attract one.
That's all we're looking for, right?
click here or click below

call me Fat Head

"Last year, we saw an old Andy Griffith Show episode
where Aunt Bea was trying to fatten up Barney Fife.
She piled on the potatoes
and the biscuits
on his plate
–the beige foods.
I thought when I saw this show,
“how can we have forgotten
this traditional wisdom?"

- Natural Cures Blog Carnival Promoting Weight Loss

"Nutritionists, dieticians, doctors
and other priests
of The Holy Church of Accepted Advice
For Living A Long and Healthy Life
have been telling people for decades
to lose weight by restricting calories.
This sage advice has been demonstrated
to have a long-term success rate
of about 1 percent,
otherwise known as a failure rate of 99 percent.
If I want advice
that’s useless 99 percent of the time,
I’ll take golf lessons."
- Tom Naughton in Bad Diets

My body is changing.
People are looking at me in disbelief when I tell them I've gained back 30 pounds over the past year.
They squint at me and say, "But you look so good!"

These comments are coming from my health care professionals as well as students, colleagues and friends. I especially need to hear how good I look today.

Tonight is the talk in Montclair by nutritionist, trainer, author and Weston A. Price chapter leader, Kevin Brown. I'm giving the opening remarks.

It's not the public speaking that makes me nervous.
I'm fine up in front of the room.
I'm comfortable with public speaking the way a beach is comfortable being sandy.

It's the subject matter.

I'm getting up there on a cane.
I'm speaking about nutrition while I weigh 270 pounds.
I feel like I have no credibility.

Nah, that's not true.
Deep down I know I have something of value to say.

I may not be a fitness expert (yet) but I am a here's-what-doesn't-work expert.
I may not have a weight loss success story regarding traditional foods
but I have a story about how I no longer drink a pot of coffee a day to keep me going.

My health has changed since I began eating from the farm.
I have a legitimate story to tell.
It may be unfinished but it's still good.

Some folks might think I have a lot of nerve getting up in front of the room weighing so much and talking about food and diet.

Guess what?

I do have a lot of nerve.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Did the 'Super Size Me' guy LIE to us??
This video is from the comedy documentary "Fat Head", a comedian's response to Super Size Me. Morgan Spurlock convinced millions of gullible fans that he gained 25 pounds merely by eating three typical meals per day at McDonald's. Basic math says otherwise.
Hey, I'm still not eating fast foods but I'm pissed at Spurlock for his dishonesty.
click here or click below

response able

"Talking does not heal;

taking action does."
- Carolyn Myss, PhD

"It's ok.
It's just temporary.
Everything is going to be fine."

I say these things to myself and have a hard time believing.
Why?
Because "fine" according to God may involve a painful, crippling knee injury
that teaches me all kinds of uncomfortable lessons
wakes me up to some necessary action
hurts me
and cripples me while it does so.

So forgive me if trusting God did not comfort me today.

Today was the day I had to traipse around on campus.
Had to meaning had to.
In order to retrieve my last paycheck I had to get all kinds of paperwork signed,
return classroom keys,
cane-walk my ass over to payroll to get my check
and get back to my car.

Lots of walking.
Lots of pain.

To amuse myself I pretended I was HOUSE.

I didn't stay amused for long.
I can't imagine someone living with pain like this when they walk.

No wonder House so existentially awake.
Pain keeps you focused on the now, now, now of things,
the frailty of the human body,
the urgency of life.

Nice place to visit but I don't want to live here.
Yet, I know my body will not release the pain until I'm convinced.
Convinced of what?

Still figuring that out.

I've been mindful of my eating, noticing my carb to protein ratio.
Gaining 30 pounds over the course of a year is not an accident.
I did it.
Me, my body and I put on 30 pounds of fat,
fat I thought I had lost for good.

I don't have to ponder 'why'.
I know why.
High carb (low fat) diet and lack of exercise with depression.

All me.
All my responsibility.
All mine to fix.

And I do fix.

Once in a while a mean-spirited comment shows up here on my blog.
The person will accuse me of blaming karma or circumstances for my obesity.
One person called me a hopeless addict.
Another claimed I needed to take responsibility for myself.

Have I not?

My physical biology is a result of choices I made, actions I took, food I ate.

And if I hold big money industries accountable on the way?
They need to be responsible too.

My mother asked me the other day if circumstances were responsible for people's actions.
(The conversation was not about me. It was about a family member who is in prison. Yeah, we're just like the Sopranos only not rich, not glamorous, not ironic and not funny.
Ok, we ARE funny.)

I told her I believed we all have choices.
We know "right" from "wrong".
We create our own predicaments.

BUT.... and even Mom loves a big butt....
I said our choices are only as good as our options.
Sometimes circumstances define our options
OR
we are unaware of the options we have.
Sometimes other people's choices can screw us up.

Take childhood cancer or leukemia.
Do you really think a 3 year old has accumulated enough life karma to have attracted a disease like that?
Sure, you can say it's karma from a past life, but not everyone believes in reincarnation.
Now what?
Who created THOSE circumstances for that child?

We did.
We cause childhood disease with our choices.
Pollution, genetically modified foods, chemicals, dirty water, poisonous vaccines, toxic radiation....just look at what we do to our biosphere.
Then we wonder where childhood disease comes from?

But I'm not a child.
And I'm not blaming anyone for anything.
I DO call for radical responsibility.
I call for responsibility on my part first,
the food industry and medical industry next.

Radical responsibility means we own our choices.
We own our actions.
We make choices knowing they have repercussions not only for us but for the world and generations to come.

We are not victims of circumstance.
We are creators of circumstance.
That's what I mean by 'radical'.

I own every ounce of this 30 pound regain.
(I'm soon to disown it, but keep reading for updates on that.)

No one is to blame for this.
I blame no one for my body.
My health is mine.
I created it.

I ate to make myself feel better.
I ate past full.
I used food for comfort.
I bought into whatever nutritional misinformation that screwed up my energy.
I felt myself getting heavier and took my sweet time to course correct (hence the wake-up call from my knee).

It's ok.
I'm still alive.
I can make new choices.
I can take new action.

The past is a reference point not a residence.
I don't have to stay stuck there and neither do you.

My hands are numb.
It could be from using the cane a lot today.
It could be diabetic neuropathy.
I have not checked my sugar.

The doc wrote me a scrip for a full blood work up.
Whatever it says, I'll take responsibility for that too.

Time for some choices.
Time for action.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...activated body and brain citizens of the world..."
She's talking about a "wellness universe".
Love that.
Hey, I'm creating one too!
Gotta get well though.
I'll create my wellness universe as I go.
Responsible all the way.
"...consciousness, honesty, behavior, responsibility..."
She just got herself well and told her story.
Love you.
click here or click below

typical weight gain

I may flutter around thinking I'm some sort of mystic, but in many respects I'm not that special.

A little while ago I was standing in line at the drug store and saw poor Kirstie Alley on the cover of some rag on the magazine rack with the caption "I GAINED 83 POUNDS".

Hmph. How typical, I thought.
Strict diets always lead to rebound weight gain.
No surprise there.

The human body is designed for self preservation.
If we starve it, it will compensate.

and...
I am no different.
I went to my gastric bypass surgeon's office today.
Since July of last year I've gained 30 pounds.

Me and Kirstie.
We sure do have a lot to learn.

The doc (he's a nurse practitioner, the surgeon's assistant, but I'm going to call him "the doc")
was concerned about my health, especially my knee. He said the last time I came to see him I was upbeat and positive, wearing spandex shorts and high on life.

I told him how I crashed in the autumn of last year.
I told him how my energy bottomed out and the weight started to creep back on.

He asked if I would see a nutritionist.
He was THRILLED to hear that I already had an appointment with Antonio on Tuesday.

My doc did tell me how great I looked.
He told me I looked healthy.
He made it clear that despite the weight gain I really looked great.

If he had seen me back in January he would not have said that.
I told my story.

I told him that I took his advice by keeping a food journal.
The food journal showed me that I was getting 70% or more of my calories from carbs.
Early this year I made the change...

"...to protein first?" he asked.

Yep.
And eliminated grains completely.

He was concerned about that and asked why.
I told the truth:
I feel much better without them.
They were making me hungry, tired and spacey so I gave them up.

There wasn't enough time to get into the whole traditional foods lifestyle right then, so I'll save it for next time.

In 6 weeks I see him again to look at how I'm progressing with my new nutritionist

There might be folks who want me to panic over the weight gain, or feel guilty or admit defeat or some other disempowering nonsense.
Don't count on it.
I have nothing to regret.

Poor Kirstie Alley says she won't even leave the house. She's so afraid to be seen in her "overweight" condition. I have great compassion for her.
She need not EVER be ashamed of what she looks like.

Why would she?
Cuz she was a spokesperson for that stupid Jenny Craig?
Kirstie did us all a favor!
Now we have more undeniable proof that diets don't work.

Focusing on weight loss will not make a person healthy.
It didn't help her and it hasn't helped me.

Obsessing and dieting do not create health.

Healing creates health.
They're from the same root word.

It comes from the Old English meaning "wholeness, a being whole, sound or well"...
"whole, uninjured, of good omen"...
"holy, sacred"
to heal.

It's a holistic approach.
Total life change.
Not 'lifestyle' but life itself right down to our soles (souls).

As I was sitting in the gastric surgeon's office today listening to the phone calls, listening to how patient's are jumping through all kinds of legalistic medical hoops to get clearance for what they believe is life-saving weight loss surgery.

We all went into this knowing the stats.
We all believed we'd be the special ones who would not experience any weight gain.
We'd be the ones who would stick to the plan and not have any issues after our surgery.

If the plan was so good and so do-able, why didn't we just stick to it in the first place and avoid the surgery all together?

Don't get me started. I don't have time for an anti-wls rant.

I do have time to pray thanks for exactly where I'm at.
I do have time to consult with experienced, compassionate, proven experts (there are plenty of those, all with different methods....so, choose wisely).

I lost my 150.
Gained back 30.

Re-convened.
Re-focused.

Now for the next phase in my get-well adventure.
An eating plan designed specifically for my needs
and a movement plan designed specifically for my developing abilities.

Have you hit a stumbling block?
Did you gain back weight?

Can I console you with a big
SO WHAT.

Be like the little battery operated trucks that little kids play with.
They go until they hit up against something then they course correct and keep going.

A 30 pound weight gain over the course of a year?
I am unconcerned.

Between that and my knee I'm receiving the message that I need a course correction.
Consider my course corrected.

My battery is still good.
I'm still going!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Clip from the documentary "Fat Head."
Guess what?
Fat and cholesterol don't cause heart disease.
The theory was based on bogus science from the very beginning.
Don't believe me?
click here or click below

nourish body and mind

My brunch plate full of seaweed, salmon,
ginger and tuna.
I've already eaten the salmon out of my sushi rolls.
I left the rice.

"Everything that we do
in the modern diet is for convenience…
and big profits,
and it minimizes the nutrients...

...I think we coined the word “superfoods”
because we don’t believe in vitamins,
we believe in “superfoods.”
Number one would be
liver.
It’s the most nutrient-dense;
it’s got a thousand to ten thousand times more nutrients
than fruits or vegetables.
The second would be
cod liver oil,
which is such a good source of A and D,
and probably the third would be
raw whole milk
from pasture cows,
or raw whole cheese."
- Sally Fallon,
President of Weston A. Price Foundation

My mother happily enjoys her Mother's Day brunch.

I've been eating my superfoods...well, not liver.
Since it's number one on Sally Fallon's list, maybe I better start.

I am especially grateful today.

The semester is over (that's not why I'm grateful)
and I got through it on my feet (that IS why I'm grateful).

The demands of teaching 4 different classes at 3 colleges didn't kill me.
I guess the positive self-talk and nourishing foods did their job,
and enabled me to do mine.

Back in January I wrote:

Walking around the new campus yesterday helped to clear some of the bats out of my mental plumbing.
It got my blood pumping.
It made me feel like part of the world.

When I couldn't find the elevator I had to fight my inner demon as I walked up two flights of steep cement steps. The defeating voice nagged at me, "You're out of shape...you're too fat to climb stairs...you can't do it, go find the elevator..."

I fought it.
I drowned it out with, "Yes you can!"
"Yes, yes, keep going. You can do it!"

I had two voices in my head.
Now I know which voice tells the truth.
It's the voice of "yes".

I proved it right.

Not only did I accomplish my job tasks I grew spiritually
and emotionally as well.

I started out the semester feeling kinda stiff in my heart.
My lectures were planned, pre-written.
Teaching by the book seemed like the right way to handle the quadruple workload.

Little by little I got my groove back.
Real life stories became the vehicle for the lessons.
My students and I grew happier as the classroom and the spring weather grew warmer.

I feel like we ended on an up note.
I'll have to check RateMyProfessors to see if I'm right...lol.

One more day of physical rigor and I can rest.
I have to traipse about turning in paperwork and picking up paychecks.

Tomorrow I see two different doctors: my gastric bypass surgeon and my head-med doc.
Actually they're both nurse practitioners.

The gastric bypass surgeon hasn't seen me since the bypass.
The practitioner does all the follow up visits. I adore him!
He understands how to speak to folks like me.
He doesn't judge, he helps.

I don't need any more judgment; not of myself and not of others.
It's exhausting.
Energy is too precious right now.
I'm not about to waste it on "should-ing" myself to death.

My struggle to be authentic continues.
My expansion of wellness will never stop.

Nourishing myself with farm food and positive thoughts helped me to
rise to the occasion of my life.

I will persist.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Right thinking is a Buddhist principle but look who's talking about it!
Truth is truth.
Truth knows no religion.
It only knows how to persist, to find its way into out hearts if we let it.
"Our thoughts are connected to everything else in our life," says
evangelist Joyce Meyer.
Get your thoughts right and everything follows.
Everything.
click here or click below

Multi-media Me

Will my fame last for 15 minutes

or will I "become" something of a public figure?
We'll see!!

(I'm in a book! I'm in a book!!)

If you missed the article in Playboy you can see the article in
"The Peep Diaries",
Hal's book that you can pre-order from Amazon by clicking here.

And...
it's being made into a documentary!

Guess who might be in it??

"Peep Me: The Documentary"

food affects perception

"Nowhere in the spiritual literature,
as far as I know,
is there one reported incident
of a person regretting
following
Divine guidance."

- Carolyn Myss, PhD

"Every meal produces a hormonal response.
Your hormones control your emotions
and thus affect your perception.
Certain foods trigger a stress response
while others can help you stay calm
by balancing your energy
and hormonal systems....

What you eat before,
during and after any stressful event
will either help you cope
or make it difficult to deal...
eating a carb by itself (or skipping meals)
is a sure fire way to create
energy & hormonal imbalances."
- Antonio Valladares, holistic nutritionist and trainer

{today's blog is part of Real Food Wednesdays! click here}

Yes, be prepared to see lots of fat positive pics in blogs to come.
Why?
I've learned how unhelpful it is to despise my fat body.
Despising my fat won't make it go away.

I've spent most of my life hating my body.
Hating my body made me sick and stuck.
Being impatient and disgusted with myself drained my spirit.

It's time to call my spirit back.

In order to do that I am accepting 'what is'.
The present is as beautiful as the future.
Everything is unfolding as it should be.
(It's much easier to write than to believe, but I'm working on it!)

See Antonio's quotes up top?
Do you see why he's going to be a great fit for me as a nutritionist/ally in my dropping 100 pounds?

He says things like:
Foods control emotion.
Eat small meals 6 times a day.
Build muscle and deemphasize cardio...

(not eliminate cardio. Just understand that it's just not the way to slim down according to his approach. Great way to expand your lungs. Not an efficient way to burn fat).

He's a radical in his approach to eating and training.
I mean check out this quote...

"More importantly than how flat your abs are
- is how alive you want to be!"

See what I mean?

I'm looking forward to my new life.

Everything is going to be ok.

But does that mean things are not ok now?

I'd like to be Buddha-like and say everything is fine.
That's a tough one for me.
A painful un-use-able knee is NOT ok with me.

I'm learning my spiritual lessons (like having compassion and patience when I'm pissed off)
because of the knee.
I'm grateful for all the abundance in my life.
I'm incredibly grateful for the wonderful people who encourage me, uplift me, teach and support me.

But....and the Buddha did not like a big BUTT....
I WANT MY KNEE BACK!

In order to do that, I'll have to call back my spirit.
That's why I've called in an expert.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Yes.
Alert brain, please!

Want to Subscribe?
Sign In or Sign Up now!

Lose weight by changing your mind,then your body, and your life. Antonio Valladares
of http://burnsports.com is a personal trainer and New York City women's fitness expert and soon to be working with me.
Focus on improving not on losing!
click here or click below

replacing it

"A child's negative self-image
can later become the source of dysfunctions
such as anorexia,
obesity,
alcoholism,
and other addictions
as well as obsessive fear of failure...

...Loving oneself
begins with
confronting this archetypal force
within the psyche
and unseating the wounded child's
authority over us.
If unhealed,
wounds keep us living in the past."
- Carolyn Myss, PhD

If I could dance around like the women in the picture (above)
I wouldn't care that I'm fat.
My shape, I could learn to live with.
The immobility?
No.
No way.
This not being able to walk is getting ridiculous now.

I'm still popping anti-inflammatories.
I'm on necessary-walking-only, using a cane.
I'm able to do less than half of my routines (shopping, cleaning, laundry,etc).
And I'm sitting in the shower...again.

Just like the old 400 pound days, I'm sitting on the tub ledge to wash myself.

Yet, with these obstacles, I'm trying not to give in to "sick posture".
You know sick posture, where you lurch around half alive waiting for the moment you can sit down and rest. The overall desire is to be left alone in your funk.
There's an overall umbrella of "excuse me, nothing's getting done while I'm sick".

Oh, and don't forget the shallow breathing.
The I-wish-I-were-sleeping dozy half filled lungs and overall dozy feeling.

'Sick posture' is what I was accustomed to for a long time.

I'm fighting that.
Those old habits won't crush me.

I'm reminding myself to take deep expanding breaths.

I'm talking nicely to myself in the shower, telling myself that sitting on the tub ledge is temporary. It's part of the healing. It's remembering where I've been and reminding myself that I never want to go back. It's an act of self care while my knee heals.

I'm reminding myself to keep a well posture when I walk.
Even with the cane I'm taking long strides.

Today I caught myself whimpering as I climbed the steps to my classroom.
I silently comforted myself, told myself I was doing a great job of handling a tough situation, and became present to my body in that moment. The pain was not that bad. It was just awkward climbing the steps with my bags and my books and my purse and my cane.
I could hack it.

My students finished their exams early. The sun was still out when the last student left the classroom. I graded every exam while the sunset burned itself through the clouds into my classroom window.

Then I sat there in my body.
I imagined the body I am working for, about 100 pounds less than I am now.

A future me, thinner and lighter.

It felt frighteningly small.
I felt frail and vulnerable.
Too narrow.
I felt like I would break.

At that moment I knew I would have to replace the fat with something else.
Somehow I would need to feel wide and present but without the extra fat.

I decided I would have to replace the fat with muscle and air.

You read that correctly.
Muscle and air.

The strength and breadth (sounds like breath, right?) of expanded lungs will fill in the "space" where my fat used to be.
The vibrations of sturdiness and oxygen will fill out my presence.

May 19th is the day I go to NYC to see my new nutritionist trainer!
Thus begins the filling out process.

I'm replacing the fat with muscle and air.
Deep breathing and circulating blood.
Built up nourished functioning muscles.

I'm not shrinking.
I'm filling out the space where there once was sadness, immobility and fat.
I'm filling it out with a brighter energy.

How's THAT for a fill-in-the-blank?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Would anyone dare judge Amma for her size?
I think not.
Amma, Satguru Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi
is the "hugging guru" who heals with love.
I forgot to show 'Darshan: The Embrace' in my class this semester!
It's a wonderful, devotional film.
We all need to know that Amma is.
click here or click below

damp with spirit

The internet connection is fixed.
Danielle, the nice cable repair tech, while enjoying the snoopy nosiness of Xander et al
discovered that my sofa was crushing the cable wire running from the splitter to the modem.

A crushed wire?
Yep.

Of course I'm going to interpret that symbolically.
Like everything that I "fixate" on...lol... it's a sign from God.

Kinda like the way the universe brought a certain someone from my past into my path today.

Mind you I had just given my last lecture to my Women's Studies class about how to free ourselves from illness by letting go of resentment.
Mind you I'm still struggling with the knee issue.

I'm taking my anti-inflammatories and resting my knee.
My spirit feels damp from the meds,
yet I'm still working on raising it.
I'm diligently working on replacing worry with trust,
catching myself when I'm tempted to be bitter or resentful,
looking at my own expectations of myself and others and trying to
let go.

So it comes as no surprise to me that a chance meeting with someone today would show me how judgmental I had been toward someone and give me an opportunity to see them in a new light.

I was in our local luncheonette with my mother having a totally spontaneous late lunch.
How spontaneous?
I had been on my way home from school and my mother pulled up next to me at a traffic light.
She beeped.
We rolled down our windows and shouted our out of the blue luncheon arrangements.
Meet me over there, ok!

The universe is funny that way.
It will put you in the path of whomever or whatever you most need when you most need it.
And it will always feel really random and coincidental when it happens,
just like today.

There we were, my mom and I, in a booth at the lunch joint when I saw the girl (we're the same age but do I have to say 'woman'?...we're still girls!) and our eyes met.

For that awkward split second we almost pretended not to see one another to avoid the awkwardness of the feelings between us, the she said/she said hurts that we would rather not deal with.

But she looked so beautiful to me in that moment.
She was dressed up for work in a lovely black skirt suit and gold heels.
She had cut her hair since I last saw her.
Her eyes were cautious and doe like.
I couldn't let her go.

It was a split second decision to not let her leave without speaking to her.

I called to her to come over and meet my mother.
We talked politely.
My mother was her usual self, popping open the buttons of her blouse to show her unwrinkled neck and announce that she's 85.
My friend laughed and said her own mother does the same thing, announcing that she's 83 to any one she first meets.

When she excused herself because she had to get back to the office it could have ended as a pleasant encounter wherein we kinda re-opened possible communication, but it didn't end there.

After about a minute she came back in and called to me.
She handed me a set of headphones and asked if they were mine.
They were.

I had not even noticed they were missing from my car!

She said she had been taking one of her afternoon walks in my neighborhood about a week ago and found them on the ground near my apartment.
Yes, they were my headphones!
And here she was handing me something that belonged to me.

Can you see the significance of this?

This girl with whom I've had a contentious past was handing me a piece of myself.
Earphones.
Receivers of messages.
Things with which to hear.
The very earphones that used to come to the gym with me every day.
The earphones I wore when I was more able.
The earphones I wore when I was walking on the treadmill and cycling every day.

If we are to heal we must make things right within us and between us.
We cannot be whole when we are fragmented with past hurts.

The universe will give us opportunities to begin to repair the misunderstanding of the past.
Course corrections.
She handed me back something I was missing.
A part of me that only she could give back.

And then I came home and had my communication restored.
The sofa had been crushing the cable wire.
Now lifted.
Now restored.

My spirit may feel damp for now but the sun is coming to dry me out.
Either I move forward or go back to the crushing couch.
I will be restored.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Heard of Mother Clare Watts?
You have now!
click here or click below

Meet me in Montclair! May 13th

Speaking the truth about food!

The Passaic-Montclair Chapter of
the Weston A. Price Foundation
invites you to a special event!

Wednesday
May 13th
6:30pm
40 South Fullerton
Montclair, NJ

Our first chapter meeting with guest speaker
Weston A. Price Chapter Leader,
nutritionist
and fitness professional
Kevin Brown
with opening remarks by
Prof Lisa Sargese
Wednesday - May 13th - 6:30pm
at
First Congregational Church
40 South Fullerton Ave
Montclair, NJ 07042
$5 donation
$3 for students and seniors
(donations go to the church)

We are dedicated to providing accurate nutrition instruction,
supporting organic
and biodynamic farming,
pasture-feeding of livestock,
community-supported farms,
honest and informative labeling,
prepared parenting and nurturing therapies.

We are dedicated to restoring nutrient-dense foods
to the human diet through
education, research and activism.

Invite your friends who have an interest in:
non-toxic foods
organic farming
sustainable agriculture
biodiversity
locally grown food
weight loss with traditional foods
and natural health and vitality!

Enjoy a talk about
"The Liberation Diet"
by our guest speaker Kevin Brown CPT, CNWC
Kevin is the author of the Liberation Diet, a groundbreaking nutrition plan that has proven to help many people become truly healthy and maintain normal weight. Come hear Kevin speak about:

* The half-truths and lies taught by conventional nutritional wisdom, and why modern diets fail
* The mystery behind obesity and chronic disease in modern society
* A commonsense approach to eating and living
* How to adapt a lifestyle of real-food nutrition coupled with simple exercise to achieve health

This program is unlike any other, you can't afford to miss this message!
Kevin Brown has taken the wise traditions of Weston A. Price and created a life changing diet and fitness program for vibrant health!

and we're serving Home Made food!
:-)

For more information contact
Lisa Sargese
belovedideas@yahoo.com

Have been getting knocked offline all day!
Cable guy is coming tomorrow to fix this.

Will I be online long enough to hit "Publish"
on this message?

Let's try...

healing full time instead

You can see what's important to me

by my pictures.
I'm either reading,
writing
or teaching.
(See the word "spirit" above my head?)

Oh, almost forgot, cooking and eating, too!

"God's work is done.
God's work was done in the beginning...
God's work is done,
finished and complete,
but it is unfolding
to our conscious awareness
in proportion as we learn the truth
and how to bring ourselves
into harmony with
that truth."
- Joel Goldsmith in
"The Art of Spiritual Healing"

I received my rejection letter for that full time tenure track position.
I'm not surprised.

Was it my qualifications?
Maybe.
I'm sure there are plenty of folks with PhD's and published works who need the job more than I do. They need it more than I do because that's all they're qualified to do. Of course they should have the job!

Was it my letters of recommendation?
No way.
Are you kidding me?
I can't imagine anyone blessed enough to have the caliber or volume of recommendation letters that I was fortunate enough to supply.
I mean, they were stellar.
No wonder they called me in for an interview.
They wanted to meet the star of those letters!

So why didn't I make it to the second round of interviews?
I think they were looking for a scholar who can also teach.

Turns out, I'm more concerned with student enrichment than I am with being a scholar.
I haven't published any scholarly articles and I'm not particularly motivated to do so.
I prefer to write for a more general audience.
Going for my PhD?
Maybe.
I'd kinda hoped to do get my doctorate when I'm 65.
Give me something to do in my retirement years rather than retire.

Really, I don't think I'm tenure-track material.
And I don't say that to put myself down or limit myself in any way.
I say it as an assessment.
Kinda like saying,
I don't think I'm tractor-trailer driving material.
Sure, I could learn, but why would I want to?
I've got other stuff to do.

What material am I?
I'm a teacher.
I'm a writer.
I'm a healer (my students tell me I "heal with words")

If I do those things, my livelihood will come.
No need to worry.
Living authentically is a living in itself.

Antonio said to "find the hidden blessing" in this.
Too late...lol
I found the blessing as soon as I opened that letter.

I read the rejection and felt relief.
I had given it my best shot.
I was authentically myself at the interview (boy, was I!)
And now,
everyone can GET OFF MY BACK about finding full time work.

Full time work is not the Holy Grail.
I don't care that full time work comes with benefits.
I don't care that it comes with stability.

I care about integrity.
I care about truth.

In class the other day we were talking about that recent comment someone left me on my blog where they said I'd be an addict till the day I die and it didn't have to be a bad thing.

My students (not all of them, just a few vocal ones) agreed that
once an addict, always an addict.
They were trying to convince me that some people just have "an addictive personality" and even if they're in recovery they'd still always have that potential to go back to being actively addicted.
One student went so far as to say that some of us just have that foundation that consists of the tendency to be sick or compulsive or whatever.

These are 19 and 20 year old kids.
How have their minds been poisoned already?
I kept asking where they learned that idea.

I kept hearing "they"
My students said, "They say that once you're an addict..."
or
"They always tell you that once it's in you it never leaves..."

They - they - they...
Who are "they" I asked.

My students could not really pinpoint that.
One person said, Dr. Phil.
Another said Alcoholics Anonymous.
Another said it was just a known fact.

Why would you believe that?
I asked them.
One kid said it was because evidence indicated that it was a fact.
I asked for evidence but he could only come up with one person's experience as proof.

My students kept insisting that it was just "true" and everyone knew it.

That made sense to me although it was not "true".
Kinda like how we all knew the earth was flat in 1492.
There was evidence.
Ships sailed into the horizon and fell off the edge of the earth.
We could see it!!
Everyone knew the earth was flat.

Now everyone knows that we're addicts at heart.
Or just meant to be ill.
Or born with a foundation of compulsion.
Or meant to be violent and destructive.
We believe that human life is nasty, brutish, and short so why fight it?

And my kids were settling for this.
That pessimistic, limiting presumption about the human condition was a claim that they were not even inspired to denounce.
They'd swallowed the lie
and now they were digesting it.

Poison.
This mysterious "they" had poisoned my kids.

It became clear to me that my life purpose is to teach the truth.
My job is to illumine.
Clearly clearly clearly
I knew that I was meant to be a truth-sayer, a torch bearer, a lumier.


Only the light of truth can dispel that kind of darkness of thought that has brainwashed my kids.

And now I've been blessed with the time and freedom to heal
and become that light.

"It is of tremendous importance to the world,
however, because insofar as one individual
can show forth a measure of health,
harmony,
inner peace,
joy,
satisfaction,
and abundance...
that person is the light of the world,
the inspiration
for others to follow,
the light which fills them with that same
hope,
that same
ambition,
and that same willingness to sacrifice...
that they may know God."
- Joel Goldsmith

Time for me to heal
so I can do my life's work.

Thank you, God.
I acknowledge you in this and in all things.

Amen.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This knee thing ain't NOTHIN' compared to what I'm about to put myself through.
The shamyn's journey is rough,
but how else can I be made smooth if not by roughness?
God, I hope you're with me on this.
God, I acknowledge that you are with me on this and all journeys.
click here or click below

fat for now

"...side effects of cholesterol-lowering drugs include:
depression,
infertility,
muscle problems,
weakness
and neuropathy."
- Sally Fallon

I keep looking at the most recent pics of me and I know I've put on some weight since I started eating traditional foods.
Guess what?
I don't care.

I feel better and that's more important than anything.

When I see Antonio on May 19th we'll make an eating and exercise schedule for me that will take off the extra weight.

In the meantime,
I'm not worried.
I accept myself exactly where I am.

I have plenty to be thankful for.
Thank you, God for my refrigerator full of Amish farm food!

Antonio will be thrilled that I'm already plugged into the Weston A. Price way of eating, have access to traditional foods and am convinced of the nutritional benefits of raw butter, real milk and other nourishing fats.
He'll be preaching to the converted.
I just need to know how much of it to eat and when to eat it!

He promised me exercises that will not in any way stress my healing knees and ankles.
Finally, someone who understands.

I've been doing the "sitting plank" to strengthen my core and all the leg muscles to support my knees.
I'll have to film it for you and get it up on YouTube so you can see it.
It's wonderful.
I feel the burn but none of the sadness.

Too many times in the past I've felt the burn and felt abused right along with it.
I felt misunderstood.
My complaints about my pains were brushed off as unwillingness to work and that's just not true about me.

I felt punished by the movement rather than nourished.
My heart ached when my muscles burned.
No good.
One cannot build a foundation of wellness if the heart and mind aren't working together.

I'm finally learning to honor my heart, mind and spirit.
I'm willing to do the work.

Right now I'm going to take my anti-inflammatories and elevate my knee.
Tonight is my priest's 10th anniversary of ordination and I want to go to mass and the reception afterward.

No, I'm not Catholic
but part of me must be.
Who comes from an Italian family and doesn't have a little Catholic in them?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Here he is!
My nutritionist/trainer, Antonio Valladares.
See, I KNEW he and I would be on the same page.
He does not believe in that all or nothing attitude!
Love it.
click here or click below

now oriented

I must accept where I'm at
if what is intended for me
is to find me.

That means, not just accepting my body shape (what I tend to fixate on and agonize over)
but my whole condition.
My knee,
my jobs,
my friends,
my apartment,
my cats,
my age,
my car,
my geographic location,
my parents' age....
everything, everything.

I've should-ed myself for too long.
I've made excuses for my present.

Work in progress....goals, goals, goals...next project, next thing, next level, next next next...future future future...now is never good enough....I'll improve, just watch me....I'm moving forward...not resting on my haunches...see, look how I'm improving!

All the while despising the now of me.
Hating how fat I am.
Hating how old I am.
Hating how I look.
Wishing I had more of _____ fill in the blank.

I have to look at what I am now.
Where I am now.
How I am now
and do the hard work of accepting things as they are.

The next thing will come.
Just as sure as the sun will burn tomorrow at dawn.

Acceptance is difficult for me.
It's always been me,
accepting responsibility for what I've done,
then apologizing to the world for it,
and coming up with a great way to fix it,
then fixing it.

That's not acceptance.

Acceptance, I think, is more about being ok with everything as it is, loving the now as it is, being grateful for the now.

Does that mean I'll never try to get better?
Of course I'll try to get better at everything I do,
but not as an apology for what I am today.

I'm seeing a brilliant trainer/holistic nutritionist on May 19th.
But before he'll even SEE me, I have to fill out a stack of questionnaires to find out
WHERE I AM NOW.

Goals?
I hope he's not goal-oriented.
I hope he's wellness oriented!
I have a feeling he is.
That's why I was drawn to him.

The point is this:
Where am I now and how will my now be at peace greet tomorrow?

Whatever is meant to greet me can't find me until I'm at peace exactly where I am.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Emotions are the bridge between the mind and the body?
Yeah, I get that.
Here are the folks from LightbridgeMedia on managing change.
click here or click below

"Rest, she needs to let me rest!" - Lisa's knee

Something definitely changed about my knee.
If it was a cartilege issue, it's over.
If it was arthritis, it's healed.

But the tendons?
Oy!
My physician told me that it's tendinitis.
She told me I need to rest, stay off it so it can heal.

The tendinitis is really painful.
The pain is in a different spot than it was on Easter Sunday.
It's not the same pain I called my healer for originally.

Different section of the knee must mean a different spiritual lesson is coming to me.

I'm open to it.

I'm also open to the idea (not the actual act, but the idea...haha) of resting.
My knee needs a rest.

My poor knee that needs me to talk nicely to it.

I've been focusing on it,
talking about it,
rubbing it,
lifting it,
exercising it
and aggravating it.

Now,
what I need to do is
lift it up,
ice it up,
rest it up,
say nice things to it,
and take some nice salt water baths.

Rest rest rest.
Rest??

Good thing the crazy semester is almost over.
Thank you, crazy semester.
You brought me beautiful students,
intense lessons,
healings,
friendships,
joy,
worship,
loyalties and
gifts beyond measure.

Thank you for all the busy-ness.
I am grateful for busy-ness.

I am grateful for the opportunity to rest.

Nap time!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
No wonder we're a culture that relies on pills and medicine.
I didn't hold this hand position for even a minute!
It was uncomfortable.
My hands started to cramp.
But in my spirit I know it will work if I just practice it.
My spirit is smarter than the rest of me.
click here or click below