from grumpy to grateful

"Wanna know HOW
not to sweat the small stuff?
Get involved with big stuff. "
- me just now in this blog

"Some years ago in Honolulu,
a young woman in one of our classes
who was taking a bus home
had her attention attracted to a man
at the rear of the bus,
very boisterous and obscene in his language...

...She immediately began to realize
that God was manifest
as individual being,
that each individual being
has only the qualities of God...

...She did not treat the man;
she did not know the truth about the man
or the condition.
She began with herself,
and finally he came over and said
'Thank you, Miss,
for praying for me,
I'm all right now.'"
- Joel Goldsmith in
The Art of Spiritual Healing

I almost forgot about yesterday's comment.
I was ready to blog about it this morning.
Dwelling, fixating, as I am wont to do...lol.

Then life distracted me.
Not "life" like life-in-general,
life as in two kittens.
One who's been sick and needed a blessing and the other who needed a home.
I won't tell the kitten story now.
Suffice it to say,
my mother has a new baby.
I named her Cassidy.
Then we found out she's a male!
Not sure if mother will keep the name.

In all the hub bub of getting the kitten to my mother and to the vet
then coming home and preparing for my class tonight,
and planning a FANTASTIC event with a great speaker for my local
Weston A. Price Foundation chapter meeting,
I forgot about the comment.

I had no time to sweat that small stuff.
Life was more important.

"Time doesn't matter.
Only life matters.
And life will find a way."
- the Mondoshawan in The Fifth Element

Oh, by the way,
here's the comment left anonymously on yesterday's blog:

I think you fixate on much more than just your woundedness.
You have many fixations and they cycle in intensity.
Many addicts have OCD issues,
and it sounds like you are no different.
And yeah, you are an addict,
and you will die an addict.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Perfect evidence of what Carolyn Myss describes as our fluency in therapeutic language.
Don't you think?
But as pissed off as I was initially,
this expert in wound-ology fell off my radar until tonight when I was teaching Social Psychology.

For the sake of my students (and my own healing and peace of mind) I knew I had to turn my anger around. It would not have been enough to let it "roll off my back like a duck".
I had to find something to be grateful for in that person's comment.
There had to be a way that I could thank this person, not just say 'thank you', but say 'thank you' and mean it.

First I went through my anger stage.
I was pissed off, insulted, offended, annoyed and all that other stuff that hinders healing (not that we should never anger...we just let it come, feel it, let it be and move on).

I acknowledged that I had a right to be pissed off, annoyed, insulted....yadda yadda.

Then I looked at this person's accusations and denied them.
I rejected their armchair diagnoses.
I rejected being labeled and limited by their words.

Deflection and rejection accomplished.
Still, I needed to find the good in what they had written.

There appeared to be none.
I could not find truth or love or anything of the divine (though I knew it was there)
til I read between the lines.

That comment is not about me, I thought.
Don't take it personally.
This person is adept at this type of talk because they've applied it to themselves for God knows how long.
They''ve read about enough symptoms to be able to diagnose themselves using the language of the psych industry.

Someone, somewhere in THEIR life had told them that being an addict is a condition you live with forever, til death. Once an addict, always an addict.
They'd been convinced of that.
They bought into it.
They'd bought the lie,
lined up the evidence that it was true
then got comfortable with the label.

Here I come along with my blog telling the world that illness is not who we are.
We are love and the nature of love is that we bear fruit richly.
Divine grace is operating in us always, at all times.
I knocked into their comfy chair and they were not happy about it.

My goodness.
How HARD WE WORK to distract ourselves from our true potential!

Look how hard that person had to work to deny the godliness of who they are.
Look at the effort they put into leaving that comment!

I must have knocked into that comfy chair really hard.

But now it was time to find the pearl in the clam.

I read between the lines of their comment and saw that they were asking me to CONVINCE THEM the same way they had been convinced before.
They'd been convinced that addiction is a condition they would always be in, whether they are in recovery or not.
They'd even been convinced that it didn't have to be a "bad thing"!

Look at them trying to reassure me that it was ok to place those shackles upon myself.
They'd shackled themselves with the addict label long ago and now they were trying to convince themselves that it was good.
And it's not enough for them to be in shackles.
They wanted me to be shackled with them.
They want me to believe that not only are their addiction shackles good for them they're good for me too.

Addicts till the day we die??
If that's what I'm supposed to believe, I may as well be dead already.

According to them there is no hope for healing. According to them I can only hope for a paltry remission where I'm invited to commiserate with other folks who bought into the lie that we're forever addicts.
They want me to sit around a room with others and nod about how true it is that we'll be sick forever.
Then we can negotiate for all the goodies that being an addict buys us like
being moody, cruel, rageful or anti-social.

No thanks.

I'd rather do the hard work of getting well.
I'd rather not be shackled.

Hopefully,
truly hopefully,
I can unlock the shackles of others.

Question is, once free, will they choose to run or stay right where they are?

I thank you for the opportunity to work harder on myself,
to be well
and to help others to be well.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Do this.
Heal.
EFT expert Jordan Savage
teaches us how to tap the same meridians used in acupuncture
to stimulate energy!
Illness fades in the presence of vibrant energy!
click here or click below

former wound-ologist

"We have become therapeutically fluent,
in the process of creating a new language
of intimacy called
'woundology'....

...Within settings of well-meaning support groups,
members receive
- often for the first time -
much needed validation
for the injury they have endured....


...I needed to tell her
that she had become seriously invested
in the authority of her wounds
as opposed to actually healing them...

...Without a schedule for healing,
we risk becoming addicted
to what we think of
as support and compassion;
we find ourselves believing
we need more and more time to 'process'
our wounds...

...it is far more difficult
to release the power
you derive from your wound
than it is to release the memory
of the painful experience."
- Carolyn Myss, PhD

Oh.
I get it now.
The "fixating" thing.

I get that if we get stuck identifying with our wounds we won't heal.
We'll become addicted to the power that our woundedness buys us.

Being wounded can be addicting.
We get to blame others for taking advantage of us.
We get to enjoy our sense of self-righteous anger.
We get to feel 'special' and feel justified in expecting special treatment.
We can stay wounded and enjoy expecting less of ourselves.
After all we have a great excuse to retreat to our comfort zones, right?
We are wounded after all!

I don't think I want to live like that any longer.

I'm so happy I discovered my wounded inner child clinging to me so I can open the door and let her out.
She's too heavy.
My knee is only strong enough for one Lisa not two.

This fat on my body is sadness.
I've been cloaked in sadness for most of my life.
I let it protect me from living.
I let it slow me down so I didn't have to go running and tromping around in the risky outer world beyond my fat zone.

I'm ready to let go of it now.

I can define myself some other way.

The problem with this blog (don't worry, I'm not going to stop blogging)
is that it's been about being fat and being in recovery.
I want it to be about being well and being healthy.

Recovery can become such a burden, such an identity, such an albatross.
The ridiculous notion that once we identify an addiction we'll always be an addict is just not true.

We've bought into that lie because it bought us the safety of support from others like us.
It bought us excuses to stay broken and bond with others in our brokenness.

I don't want to stay broken.
There's something beautiful on the other side of all this.
I want to live there.

Health, wholeness and possibility.

I'm living it.
I'm learning.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This is a great way to wake up every morning.
I could have picked a video that was more artful, had more ambient music,
was more entertaining, but this one had a simple message.
Move and be well.
click here or click below

walking the walk of radical integrity...

Clifton Police Department

Traffic Division

900 Clifton Avenue

Clifton, NJ 07013

re: removal of Handicap Parking Sign

April 28, 2009

Dear Clifton Police,

I am writing to request the removal of the Handicap parking sign in front of 46 – 48 Bruan Place. This handicap parking space belonged to a resident of Richfield Village Apartments who is no longer a resident and has not been a resident for a few years.

I am a resident of 44 D Bruan Place and have been since 1993. As I am handicapped myself, I have been using the handicapped space in front 46 -48 Bruan Place as a matter of convenience since the former resident moved out.

Since the space is a) not mine; b) not in front of my residence; and c) causing parking problems for my neighbors; I am requesting that it be removed.

If my doctor deems that I need my own handicap space in front of my apartment, I will follow the proper procedures to acquire my own space in front of 44 Bruan Place. In the meantime, I would like to attempt to park as a non-handicapped civilian to see if my health permits it.

I respectfully request your assistance in this matter.

I am sending a copy of this letter to the Richfield Village management office on Richfield Terrace.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Lisa Sargese

(973) 777-9701

44D Bruan Place

Clifton, NJ 07012

soul service

The other night I was sitting at my computer when suddenly...

I was surrounded by cats!
Lil' Xander was on the floor to my right...

Up on the little table on my right was
my Bosie Zeek the Bumblebee
guarding my room temperature farm cheese...

Turn to face the computer and we see Hurley (Lolly in his Lolly box) and Sebastian blocking the monitor...

Swivel over to the left and we see Sebastian's butt and
Gabriel in his gift box!

"Dr. Michael Stein (internist)
believes that his ability to heal
is directly related to his ability to listen to,
and care about,
his patients
- to understand who they are
and how they got that way."

- Fencine Prose in her review of
Stein's book "The Addict"

We are emotional beings.
We operate on symbolic truths.

Symbolic law is FAR more potent than physical law.

The physical laws of cause and effect are visible so they seem more concrete.
They're not.

They're flimsy,
tricks-y
and false.

If I had deep faith in the physical world, I would have been scheduled for a knee replacement by now.
That or some sort of surgery to fix my knee.

I'm not even sure how my knee was broken.
Torn meniscus?
Worn out cartilage?
Missing synovial fluid?

I dunno.
I'm not sure I care.

I DO know that I'm willing to ask for help in my continuing to heal.

I've contacted the great Antonio Valladares to retain his services as my holistic nutritionist
and trainer.
He's a hip Weston A. Pricer from Manhattan.

I'll be seeing him the third week of May.

Hey, I KNOW losing another 100 pounds will help my knee no matter what condition my knee is in.
I KNOW being lighter and more fit will enable me to move forward in my life.

I've got so much of the ingredients in place:
my farm foods,
my bravery,
my attitude,
my determination,
my discipline,
my faith,
my healing.
Now, all I need is the recipe!!

Eggs, milk, butter, Antonio!!

I guess this is the spring of the swarthy gurus!
lol

I'm not too proud to ask for help.
I just need to take it from a source that's in line with all my ingredients.

Like I said (like a whole stadium said) at the Joel Osteen event on Saturday:
I will never
never
never
be the same!

For my readers in the area there is a wonderful Reiki event coming up next month:

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 6:30 - 8:30

Reiki Share and Demonstration

Presented by Sue Bonito, Reiki Master Teacher-Practitioner

Join us for this "Hands-On" Session in the world of energy exchange.
Receive and give a treatment. Awaken your inner light to a new awareness and an enhanced state of well being of the Body, Spirit and Mind.

Location:

31 Gladding Road

Caldwell, NJ 07006

Susan Skalsky for Esmilda Abreu

973-226-5311

$ 5.00 Donation

Contact me for details and directions!

Much love.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"You have gifts that you haven't touched..."
That's how we reach out to help others.
By letting them know how powerful they really are.
BUT...and everyone loves a big butt...
your soul needs stamina.
In order to empower another human being,
your soul needs to overcome it's addiction to power plays.
Live in your heart and you'll strengthen your soul.
Carolyn Myss tells you how.
click here

Joel Osteen at Yankee Stadium

"Faith activates God.
Fear activates the Enemy."
- Joel Osteen

"Choosing to be positive
and having a grateful attitude
is going to determine
how you're going to live
your life."
- Joel Osteen

"God wants to bless us
where we are."
- Joel Osteen

My horoscope today said:
Asking for help does not make you a weak person! So before things get to the panic phase, you need to seek the assistance that you know you need. Friends who have been there before are waiting for you to ask for help, and they have some wise advice you need to hear. Ask for what you need today. No negative assumptions will be made - your reputation is stronger than you think! Expressing your needs won't make you needy. It will make you feel empowered.

Oh.
You think it's odd that I'd mention Pastor Joel Osteen and Astrology in the same breath??
haha

Hey. Truth is where you find it.
I found truth at Joel Osteen's "Night of Hope" at the new Yankee Stadium Saturday night and I found truth in my horoscope this morning.

The source is not as important as the message.

My friend Darren and I traipsed for blocks and blocks that afternoon.
Me on my cane, ignoring the discomfort (pain) and weakness in my knee, convinced that I was healed, stepping out into possibility rather than illness.

I am healed.
It might have been nice to let my body catch up to my spirit by staying home.
Perhaps my knee would have hurt less if I'd plopped on my sofa with my leg elevated.
But I wanted my Night of Hope with Pastor Joel!
So, off we trotted in the brilliant sunshine to the immaculate, brandy new Yankee Stadium.

My knee felt strangely supported, like a tight cast was holding it together.
It hurt but not the way it hurt on Easter Sunday.
Something had changed.

Whatever was missing between the bones of my knee (fluid? cartilage?)
had been put back by the healing.

I fought to maintain an open, positive, grateful attitude as I walked.
I fought and won.

I mean, it's not hard when Joel and his family are up at the pulpit and glittering on the giant diamond sharp screen overlooking the ball field.

His mother spoke about overcoming cancer back in the 1980's.
She prayed.
She had faith.
She commanded her body to heal in the name of God.
Her family treated her like she was well.
Upon subsequent examinations there was no cancer in her body at all.

But she did not go to the original doctor who had diagnosed her and given her the prognosis of less than a year to live. She has not been back to him since.

Folks want to know why she did not document her healing.
Folks want a before and after exray or lab test to PROVE that she was healed.

She said she did not wish to disturb her faith that way.

I understand.

Part of me wishes I had had an exray or MRI prior to my healing sessions with Vlad.
Then after each healing session and updated exray or MRI to PROVE that the healing worked.

But prove to whom?

I don't really care if other people believe that I was healed.
I don't care if they call him a "charlatan" and neither does he (he really does not care to convince people of anything except their own connection to divine energy and their own power to heal).

I care about walking, standing and being whole in body and spirit.

I'm not sure I care about how that happens.
I'm more concerned with the what.
What can I do?
What have I learned?
In light of this new information what will I do differently than before?

Pastor Joel kept talking about stepping out in faith,
having a glad heart
and believing that we are "fully equipped" and "fully loaded with all the options".
We just have to wake up to our talents.
They've already been installed by the Creator.
We just need to notice they're there and use them.

Heck, yeah! I walked blocks and blocks that night!

I've got ice on my knee now, but it was worth it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Thank God SOMEONE had the good sense to post this on YouTube!
This is from our Night of Hope at Yankee Stadium.
Be well.
click here or click below

fix but don't fixate!!

My knee is healed.
My soul is vibrating on a higher level.

The pain in my knee flares up a bit, depending on my state of mind and how much walking I do.
The anti-inflammatories help to keep the knee quiet.

My healer spent twice the usual amount of time fixing me yesterday.
(It was bliss. I spent the whole time praying gratitude for all my blessings).

Nutshell version of the story: we are well.

I asked him what he saw in me when he was all up in my energy.

He asked if I meant physically, emotionally, spiritually...?
I asked,
"Emotionally. What do I need to work on?"

He told me that I fixate.
(Who, meeeeee????)

I fixate.
On what?
I wondered.
Career, friends, myself, what?

He said that I give meaning and significance to EVERYTHING.

Especially with my blog.

blink
blink

Um, yeah.
Yeah.
I do.
(nods humbly)

The fixating is not bad nor good, but it does keep my spirit stuck on whatever I'm fixating on at the time, especially if I'm fixating on the past.

It's better for my healing and spiritual development to be in process.
Let things unfold.
Be in the present.

He assured me that my blog was excellent, that it's helpful to people to share experiences, but that it's unhelpful to be defined by the past.

I resisted that a bit, but I see the truth of it.

I am not my past.
I am not my future.

Simply,
I am
who am.

And I don't need to wrap my mind around that.
I just need to be.

Tonight
JOEL OSTEEN
at Yankee Stadium!
Woot!

What a great place to be born again!

There are no coincidences
but only things that coincide.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
New imprint: more connected species.
What's stopping us??
We're too fixated on hierarchies and power-over others.
In general folks don't want to be equal with each other.
I'm guilty.
All I wanted from Vlad yesterday was for him to tell me how special I am.
That I'm enlightened but in a way that makes me more advanced than others.
God, forgive me my ego!
What do we REALLY want?
Wisdom or woe??
click here or click below

MY Jedi mind trick

"Whenever you become empowered
you will be
tested."
- Carolyn Myss

I was up at 3:30am after going to bed at midnight.
I'm not anxious, I'm excited!
Big interview today.
Interview PLUS audition.
I have to "teach" to the search committee for fifteen minutes.
They gave us a list of topics to choose from ranging from really easy (The Nature of Religion) to the super challenging (The Problem of Religious Pluralism).

I chose the most difficult one.
Cuz baby, that's how I roll!

My knee is healing nicely.
It's holding my weight when I stand and walk.
There is still pain but not nearly as acute as on Easter Sunday when I was on crutches planning to go to the nearest emergency room.

I had two phone sessions with my healer over the past two weeks.
I wanted to have one more before the big interview today.
It didn't happen.
Stuff kept getting in the way.

First his flight was coming in late on Wednesday and we had to reschedule for Thursday (yesterday). Then when I called he was in the middle of birthing a baby over the phone (!).
I had to call back. When I called back he still wasn't available (birthin' babies isn't something that's done on a schedule!)

No problem.
I really wanted a session before this morning's interview
so his assistant got me a rare late night appointment for last night.
We still did not connect.

I was disappointed.
I moped.
I shed a few tears.
I took it personally.
I wondered why he "didn't want to talk to me".
I indulged in feelings of abandonment.
I felt insulted.
I got pissed.
My knee started to twinge.
I felt sorry for myself.

Then I started to think symbolically.
There must be a lesson in this.

He was trying to teach me that I didn't need him.
If the lesson was that I needed to be ok standing on my own two feet,
how fitting it was that we would not want us to connect for prior to my interview!

But that didn't sit right with me either.
He doesn't strike me as calculating like that.
This could not have been deliberate on his part.

I pushed it off on his spiritual self.
That fit better.
His spirit self wanted me to learn to be independent, to understand that the healing actually came from within me not from him.

I was just about to buy into that when it dawned on me.
Not HIS spirit self,
MY spirit self!

It was me.
I was the one,
my higher self,
wanted me to stand up on my own.
ME.
My will.

I no longer felt abandoned or blown off.
I no longer felt that he was trying to pull a Jedi mind trick on me.

I was the Jedi.
My own Yoda.

My knee is quiet right now.

If I need that third session with the healer
it will happen after the interview.

According to me.
That's how this lesson is constructed.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This is THE video.
This is THE lesson.
The story is in her book, "Anatomy of the Spirit".
It's been haunting me since I read it.
What a miracle that this very story should be the one she tells in a YouTube video.
I played it for my Social Psychology class last night.
I'll be playing it for ALL my classes.
It's the kind of story that gets into your soul and lives there.
click here or click below

little girl in my belly

"We are not born fluent in love
but spend our life learning about it...
It's energy is pure power...
Love is the fuel
of our physical and spiritual bodies.
Each of life's challenges
is a lesson in some aspect
of love."

- Carolyn Myss

"We've sold out our present
for a future
that may never come."
- Vlad Angert

See that top picture of me with my thinned hair (notice I didn't say "thinning" because I am healing and therefore healing my hair).
That is who I was one week ago.
I'm proud of me then and I'm proud of me now.

Why?
Because shame is robbing me of my soul.
My shame has been working to kill me and I must stop feeling ashamed of ANYTHING.
Shame is a spirit killer.

I am grateful for my thin hair because it was one of the motivators to change my diet. It's one of the symptoms that brought me to traditional foods. This traditional foods "thing" isn't just for me. I'm helping the local Weston A. Price chapter to disseminate information and plan events. This isn't a diet, it's a life purpose!

But that's not what I wanted to write about today.
I want to write about my belly.
The pannus.
My big blob of flesh and fat that hangs down to my mid thighs.
The thing that makes me go "eww" in the mirror.
The thing I want to cut off of me surgically.

It's a residence.
I figured out who's in there.
It's her, my inner child.
Think about it (and Carolyn Myss has helped met think more symbolically).
It's right where a pregnancy would be.
It's big and bulbous almost like a pregnant belly.
It's big enough to hold a small child, all curled up and cowering.

The vision came to me when I was sitting on the throne (toilet) looking down at it.
"You need to go" I was about to tell it till I realized who lived inside me.
She was in there, little Lisa, crying.
She was hurt and hungry.
She was ashamed.
Her spirit was so damaged from being picked on by the kids at school,
constantly criticized by an ill mother
and emotionally longing for attention from a tired father.

She was always hungry, her body needing proper fats and protein, was not thriving well on skim milk and the four food groups of the 1970's (white bread, cold cuts, sugary cereal, processed canned foods).

Poor little thing curled up inside me was ashamed of her needs, ashamed of her body, ashamed of her voice, embarrassed by her own protruding belly.

So needy.
So un-socialized.
Fat faced and pursed lips.
Terrorized by most people around her.
She wanted to dance but her mother yanked her out of dancing school because she wasn't losing weight and it was too expensive.
She wanted to play with other kids but she wasn't allowed.
She wanted to be fed but she was on a diet.

All curled up inside my belly and now I'M the one rejecting her.
I can't do that any longer.

There, there little girl.
I will take care of you.
I just fed her some glorious bone broth (so jiggly it was almost solid)
with real butter in it.
Now some real milk to nourish her growing bones.
Here's a blog where she can express yourself.

She's too heavy to carry in me, physically.
My knees need relief from the extra weight.
She has to be nourished and set free so she no longer has to hide up inside me.

(If you want to know what writing and crying looks like I should film this next time...lol.)

My third healing session with Vlad is today in about an hour.
I've been working hard on myself, participating in my own healing.

I'd rather not have to audition tomorrow with a cane, but if I need it, I'll manage.
I've lectured from a sitting position before. I can be big even if I'm seated.

But what I'm envisioning is strong, able, vibrant, walking, standing, smiling, light.
I can be these things now.
If spirit is stronger than matter, and it is, I can heal.
I am well.

We are well.

For now my little girl will be with me, but I'm getting her well, on her feet and out into the world.
She does not have to live in my belly any longer.
I can feed her and set her free.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"God, show me the reason for which you gave me this life..."
Carolyn Myss says humility in asking about hour life path is a shield.
It protects us from the lure of 'stuff'.
It keeps us from being motivated by the fear of humiliation that seems to drive us.
My inner child, little Lisa, was not put on this earth to suffer.
She/I was put here for a purpose.
Beautiful, bountiful, bliss, I am.
You too.
click here or click below

for give

"How we feel about ourselves,
whether we respect ourselves,
determines the quality of life,
our capacity to succeed in business,
relationships,
healing, and intuitive skills...

...Self understanding and acceptance,
the bond we form with ourselves,
is in many ways
the most crucial spiritual challenge we face....

...In truth,
if we do not like ourselves,
we will be incapable
of making healthy decisions."
- Carolyn Myss, PhD.

The universe helps us out by sending challenges.
The more we need to grow, the more painful the challenge will probably be.

Just as I'm taking a baby-Bambi step forward on my shaky legs of spiritual integrity,
someone leaves me a scathing comment on my blog.

Notice how that doesn't happen too often?
And when they do, they're always well-timed as if to test me in my new way of thinking.

Yesterday, someone left me a personal attack (click here, scroll down)
that could have really destroyed me had I let it.

Now, I am human, flawed and fragile, a work in progress.
(I say that as a reminder to myself. I know you know I'm human.)

My first reaction was to be angry, offended and hurt.

For heaven's sake, she rips me to sh*t and then had to take a shot at my thinning hair, too??
Ugh!

I went through my stages of being insulted and upset.
I thought about answering her point by point, defending myself, shaming her for having hurt me.

I thought about getting revenge by leaving a nasty comment on HER blog.
So I clicked on her profile name....nothing.

I Googled her profile name.
I found that she had left me a comment in the past, a nice one (click here, scroll down).

I found that she had a Fat Acceptance Blog on Wordpress that was recently taken down by her.
Her blog had said she "is on journey from addiction to recovery and self-acceptance".

She is just like me.

By leaving her comment she held up a mirror to me.
I needed to be calm and figure out a way to be sincerely grateful for what she had said.

See, it's not enough for the Budda to sit under the Bodhi tree and and hold up a shield to block Mara's attacks. Mara's flaming arrows where not merely repelled.
The Buddha transformed the flaming arrows and turned them into flower petals.
With great compassion he received the attack and turned it into a flower shower.

Hey, I'm no Buddha, but we all, ALL have Buddha nature waiting to be awakened in us.
We can call upon it or we can stay stuck in our old ways.

You know the one about the two wolves, right?

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I needed to feed the right wolf.

I tried something on for size: What if she was right?
I looked at what she wrote.
Although some of the personal attacks were unnecessary her point of view was valid.
Don't get me wrong, I will not be limited by what she wrote, nor will I stay stuck in that state without progress, but that snapshot on that day has been blogged, documented, put out there into the universe, a record of how I was at that moment on that day, available in the now and the future.

She held up a mirror to THAT moment in time.
But I am not who I was at that moment.
The Lisa who read what she wrote is a different Lisa than the one who wrote it.

I've changed, am forever changing, will continue to change.
The change- me from however many days after that particular blog post
read what she wrote and freaked out.
THAT'S NOT ME!
My ego cried.

But it was me at the time.
That's one of the side effects of blogging like this.
Folks can go back to old blog posts and hold me accountable for things I no longer feel.
I don't want to take down the blog posts of the old me.
If I did that I'd have to take down all the paragraphs I've just written.
I am not who I was a moment ago.

I'll tell you what I plan to do.
I plan to continue eating my farm food, working for the Weston A. Price way of life, getting closer to my body, healing, healing, healing.
Forgiveness is part of that.
Forgiving her.
Forgiving myself.

I've been moving.
I'm reluctant to talk about it because of how sore I am in that area of my feelings.
I'm raising my arms over my head without feeling crushed by sadness.
I'm doing my knee rehab exercises (from a real physical therapist in a hospital, imagine that!)
Breathing deeply.
Cat cowing yoga in the shower.
Walking with a well posture.

That's who I am today.
On the day she wrote her comment I WAS in a stuck place.
I didn't want to move.
I did want my cake and eat it too.

But baby, I eat steak, not cake.
Today, at least.

Namaste.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Hey, forgiveness may not come easy, but we can be willing.
That posture, a willing posture, can make the forgiveness more likely to come.
Like leaving the lights on for Halloween night.
If your house is dark, the trick or treaters are not likely to come.
If the light is on, they'll probably ring your bell.
If the light is on and your house is decorated they're VERY likely to come.
The willingness to forgive is the lit up decorated house on Halloween night.
"When we stop holding on and clinging to anything, we realize we have everything. "
click here or click below

a waking

"...focus more on the positive
than on the negative
and live in a manner
spiritually congruent
with what we know
is the truth..."

"Making those two commitments alone
is sufficient
to allow the power
contained within our Divine biological system
to influence the
content and direction
of our lives."
- Carolyn Myss, PhD

Taking it easy is annoying me.
My house needs to be vacuumed.
I need to go to the market for produce (I haven't been able to juice).
I want to go to Costco for stuff.
It would be wonderful to be able to do a load of laundry or two to freshen up my bedding.

My knee is improving but I'm not at 100%.
Nor do I want to be.
I WANT to be at 110%.
I want to be better than before.

"What drains your spirit drains your body.
What fuels your spirit fuels your body."
- Carolyn Myss

Before this knee thingy happened I was coming back to life.
I still had my struggles with energy but I was awakening.

Was I failing to appreciate that?
Is that why this happened?
Did my knee happen to wake me up to something about the waking up?

Vlad (energy healer) asked me what the knee was stopping me from doing.
There's significance in that.
Really, the knee keeps me from doing everything that requires me to stand on my own two feet.

Holy crap.

I just got it.

Standing on my own two feet.

What's that symbolic of??

Standing on my own two feet means
being independent,
self sufficient,
self supporting,
medically insured,
employed with a desk to call my own,
legitimate,
respectable,
adult,
NOT
dependent on my parents,
NOT
living at a subsistence level,
NOT
part time living from paycheck to paycheck.

Standing on my own two feet means
standing up
and walking out into the world.

Did this knee happen because I'm frightened of moving forward?

"Every choice we make,
motivated by either faith or fear,
directs our spirit."
- Carolyn Myss

Even if I am frightened on a subconscious or spiritual level,
I'm taking the positive actions to stand on my own two feet.

I have an interview on Friday.
Yup.
It's an interview for a full time, tenure track teaching position.

I have an excellent shot at getting it.
Really, really excellent.

I'll have to "audition" by teaching for 15 minutes to the search committee.
It's a challenge I welcome,
yet something in me is...
What?
Scared??

I don't know.
I don't even know if I have to figure this all out.

What I do know is that I need to get right spiritually.
Be authentic.
Have integrity.
Think well of people.
Have great compassion.
Do my work with appreciation and gratitude.
Give thanks.

Be loving to myself and others
with my actions
words and thoughts.

Saying "ewww" to myself in the mirror has consequences beyond a weak self esteem.
Saying "asshole" to myself when someone rubs me the wrong way is not serving me...or them.

Making these changes means really, REALLY giving up an old way of being.

If I'm not who I was,
who will I be?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...life is only for spiritual development..."
Right on, Carolyn.
click here or click below
x

shake out your dust bats

"Habit is a hell
to which people cling
in an attempt
to stop
the flow
of change..."

"...learning about ourselves
and facing our own limitations
are not things we tend to do
with enthusiasm..."

"...When a person has no release...
energy backs up in the system and,
without conscious management,
can produce reactions that run the gamut
from depression to violence..."

"...depression...interferes
with our spiritual maturation,
as if stating,
" I don't wish to see anymore,
I don't wish to understand any deeper,
I don't wish to interact
with the learning processes
of life."

"Exercise and creativity
are well known avenues of release...
We are attracted to becoming more 'conscious',
but at the same time
we find it frightening
because it means we must take personal responsibility
for ourselves
- and for our health, career,
attitudes and thoughts."
-Carolyn Myss, PhD

My ladyfriend (my chicken soup ladyfriend not my Scrabble ladyfriend) says she's most comfortable nestled on the corner of her sofa, knitting and watching TV and that it scares her that she's most comfortable there.

I understand.
I'm the same way.

I'm most comfortable on my sofa, with yummy foods on the coffee table in front of me and the TV clicker in hand watching my favorite shows.
That's my comfort zone.
Might I add,
that's my comfort zone, don't f*ck with it.

There have been times when I looked forward to sitting in my comfort zone more than I looked forward to teaching or speaking or socializing. I'd be out in the world and in my head I told myself that I couldn't wait for my lecture to be over so I could go home and rest. I looked forward to the resting more than the living.

And that's OK.
Playing it safe is a protective act of self-care.
When we've suffered, when we've been hurt, we retreat. We need privacy and comfort to recover. We want familiar safety. There's nothing wrong with that.

If our energies are low it's because we need something.
Something in our souls need attending.

Our spirits crave rejuvenation.
Like the soil in spring we have the busy stirrings of life inside us just waiting to pop up into the sunshine.
All we have to do is take the tarp off the garden (by being open to new ideas)
and nature does its work.

Our own impetus for growth will pull us off the couch and out into the world.
Our desire to blossom will get us out of our comfort zones.
And when we need help, when our souls say SPRINGTIME!!! TEN HUT!
The univese complies and sends us great teachers to help us with our soul-energy.
Good teachers.

Boy, did I attract a good one.
Glowing.
Just what my soul needed.
(and a mirror of me?)

But even the relationships that don't glitter and glow have something of high value to teach us.
Folks who annoy us always bring good gifts.
We attract folks who oppose us so that we may be challenged.
The challenge is to LOOK AT OURSELVES!

People show up in our lives as mirrors of our own qualities; some we like, some we don't.
The more vexatious a person seems, the more we need to learn from them.
They are the big mirrors.

The more vexatious, the more likely they'll move us out of our comfort zones.

Getting out of our comfort zones is about as easy as taking down all the curtains in the house for a spring cleaning.
It's not easy.
It's work.

We have to dust off the ladder.
We have to look under the sink to assess our cleaning tools and decide what needs replenishing.
We tie a bandana around our faces bandit-style to keep dust our of our mouths.
We reach, we lug, we haul.
We use muscle groups we forgot about or never even knew we had.
We clean the dusty cobwebs that are now exposed because the curtains are down.
We wash and can't believe how dirty things were!
And once everything is all cleaned and washed, we re-hang.

Ah.
sigh of relief as the sunshine blasts through our clear windows, framed by the fresly washed curtains, all nice and rejuvenated.

We wonder why we procrastinated in the first place.
We wonder what all that dread was about.

I'm finding it easier, way easier, to lift my arms over my head.
My addiction to my comfort zone is being replaced, slowly (gingerly, carefully, tenderly),
by a desire to spring clean my soul.
And cleaning I be!

I lifted my arms over my head today and prayed thanks to The Creator and there was no sadness, only happy, happy energy.
It was movement by myself, for myself.
My body was a conduit between me and God.
The energy was a delicate thread, but strong like spider silk.

I think many folks suffer in fear of movement, especially those of us who have been or are overweight.
So many people - some well-meaning, some just insensitive or mean - have spiritually beat us down because of our body shape.
They've accused us of being lazy.
They've told us we were weak.

They've given conditional praise depending on how or when we've moved our bodies.
They've shouted their impersonal "you can do iiiitt!!!!" without acknowledging how badly we were hurting, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

They've told us right to our delicated souls to
toughen up,
get a grip,
hit ourselves hard, with military zeal
when our little cotton-ball-bunny spirits needed the most tender love and coaxing and kindness.

Our hearts, where we stored so much pain, are suddenly beating and all those bats are swirling up with big clouds of dust as we awaken our bodies.
Some of us need to be left alone for all that.
We might need to shake out the dust bats in private.
Some of us do better with others.
Some of us invite experts into our lives to help.

There's no right way to do it.
There is only what works.

We might attract the "wrong" kind of teacher who pushes too hard,
is dismissive,
or talks down to us.
This could verify our own beliefs that teachers are harsh and cruel thereby providing us with reasonable reasons to hide out back in our comfort zones.

Sometimes spring goes by and we don't take down the curtains to be washed.
Sometimes the curtains have to wait for autumn.
Or they never get washed at all.

I know folks who have died with their curtains still dirty.
Their karma in this life was unresolved.

My comfort zone is safe but I know there is no resolution there.
Karma kinda gets anchored in the doldrums of the comfort zone, sedentary and safe from the currents of movement.

But it's just a habit.
Habits can be changed.
I don't have to give up my comfort zone entirely.
I can visit it when I need the comfort.

But it's spring.
I want to hang my draperies out on the line in the sunshine and take a deep breath.
My comfort zone is there and it's comforting to know I have a choice, a real choice, to go back and play it safe.

How long I spend in the sunshine each day is ultimately up to me.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Comfort Zones are for surviving.
Spiritual awakening is about living.
Our bodies are for surviving.
Our souls are about living.
Our bodies hold the fear, but only if we let them.
Let's identify with our souls, our spirits, our eternal light.
"Da sky iz limit" in terms of possibilities.
Shakti Mhi is so awesome.
click here or click below

hug thy body

"When someone asks what there is to do,
light the candle in his hand....
Like this."
- Rumi

"...a broken heart,
as Rumi so inspiringly shows us,
can be the beginning
of
wondrous
things."
- Bilquees

"Shams opened up
a part of Rumi’s heart
which was ready
for a spiritual awakening;
he unfolded
like a flower at dawn."
- Rumi, Shams e Tabriz and Whirling

Learning to be grateful for hard work because life would be less satisfying without it.
Waking up to chaotic thoughts that can be brought under control.
Experiencing sadness so that it might be used up rather than stored up.

Reading something nourishing first thing in the morning.
Bringing myself to myself and graciously accepting the gift.

Imagine raising a child and never hugging them?
Imagine taking care of a baby but never having physical contact?

Imagine the child was fed the best, finest, most nutritious organic foods,
slept in the softest, cleanest, most comfortable bed,
was read to,
played with,
had safe, stimulating toys to play with,
sang songs with other kids,
was given a wide open place to play in fresh air and sunshine,
all the most healthy, lovely, enriching things a child could need to grow healthy and strong
EXCEPT
the child was not hugged, kissed, cuddled or held close in any way.
How would the child fare??

There would be something missing in their heart.
The child might thrive to an extent but that missing piece would create an imbalance.
A dimension of that child's being would fail to develop.

Like a beautiful, well crafted chair with only three legs.
Pretty and nearly perfect
but it would not function as a chair.

I imagine that's how an unhugged child would develop.
Even in ideal surroundings, without the physical affection, the soul would suffer.
The being would wilt, I imagine.

I think that's where I'm at in learning to care for myself.
My reluctance to hug myself has come to my attention.

Stretching up to the ceiling first thing in the morning is wonderful til the sadness wells up in me, I'm short of breath, heavy and heartbroke and I want to crawl back into bed.
The sadness comes like it wakes up with me.
And I don't mean a bad mood I mean the sadness that gets released from my body when I wake it up with movement.

When THAT sadness comes, I need a self-hug.
A need that there-there reassurance.
I need to hear myself say "it's ok, I'm here for you" in the kindest way possible.

The demon voice of punishing self doubt
that says shoulda shoulda shoulda
must not only be silenced
but replaced.

The stirring up of my body requires my greatest compassion.
I want to hear me say,
"It's ok, I'm here for you.
You're doing great.
I love you no matter what.
I want you to be well.
No one is looking.
It's just me and you, me.
No one is judging.
There is nothing you have to do.
Just love and be loved.
This is not exercise. No one is giving you a gold star or way-to-go high five. This is not a weight loss challenge. This is not even a discipline.
This is me loving you and pushing oxygen and blood into your limbs
with love love love.
This is no body's body and no body's business.
No one is here to misunderstand.
I'm here and I understand.
This is our love affair, our private mission.
I will protect you."

It's been one week since I was on crutches ready to go to the hospital.
What have I learned?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Disciple,
companion
or great one?
Quotes are from the autobiography of Shams-iTabrizi- translated by William C.Chittick
click here or click below

well posture

"...you can be vegetarian
and run six miles a day,
but if you are in an abusive relationship,
or hate your job,
or have daily fights with your parents,
you are losing energy
- or power -
in a pattern of behavior
that can lead to illness
or prevent your healing from an illness..."

"...On the other hand,
if you are spiritually centered
and call back your energy from negative beliefs,
you can eat cat food and still say healthy...

...I am not advocating that you eat an unhealthy diet
and avoid exercise
- it's just that these factors alone
won't keep you healthy..."

"Our bodies contain
an immanent blueprint
for
healing."
- Carolyn Myss, PhD in
"Anatomy of the Spirit"

I have to be brave.
I have to move.

Having my vibrations raised through Vlad and through Reiki has made certain things (many things) clear to me.

I know why I haven't wanted to exercise (call it exercise, call it movement, call it body work, call it what you will).
It's the sadness.
Deep cellular level sadness.

This morning I woke up ready to create my day.
That in itself is hard.
To open my eyes in the morning and think with powerful intention about how I want my day to go is new behavior.

Intellectually I know that it works,
that it's necessary,
that it will benefit me.
But the DOING of it was too daunting.
After all, who knows detail for detail what one's day will hold?

Detail for detail is not necessary.
Being intentional about feelings will do.
Generalizations are ok, too.

I created my day, not in detail, just in a couple of areas.
I said I would walk with a well-posture
and that I would eat with intention.

What's a well-posture?
It's walking with my big thigh muscles and my abs rather than my knees and feet.
Fer serious.

I was putting too much intention and energy into the wounded knee and the fragile feet.
Too much pain that way.

My ladyfriend has a trainer who told her that our feet are not the walkers.
Feet are incidental to walking.
They help with balance, they're the plates of meat that hit the floor when we walk
but the REAL walking happens with our guts and our thighs.

When I place my attention on my big thigh muscles and my abs,
the knee hurts less!
I feel LIGHTER!

If I catch myself lurching and limping I stop myself.
Lurching and limping lead to pain.
Scrunching up my face and plopping my feet in front of me makes the pain more powerful.
It's a pain posture.

Instead, I elongate my spine, breathing deeply and lead with my thighs and abs to form a
well posture.
The pain diminishes.
I feel better.

The eating with intention part went better than I thought.
My mother and I went to a Lebanese place for lunch.
Adorable new restaurant on the Paterson Clifton border called Al Jannah.

Instead of over ordering and bringing home leftovers I ordered just enough for us to share.
I skipped the rice and the pita.
We shared Mouhalabiya for dessert (a not-sweet homemade pudding with shredded pistachios on top).
After our Lebanese meal I was full but not incapacitated (the way I sometimes feel after eating with my mother).

Later on our shopping trail I stopped at a flea market to buy a new purse.
Mom wanted zeppolas.
I did not eat any.

We usually end our shopping day with frozen yogurt.
Knowing she'd forget if I didn't bring it up,
I didn't bring it up.

I didn't need the sweet stuff.
Not that I'm putting good or bad labels on food or patting myself on the back for skipping dessert.
I'm just eating with intention.
Just because I can eat doesn't mean I should.

But back to sitting on the edge of my bed this morning when I had my movement revelation.
I stretched my arms up to the ceiling to pray gratitude for the coming day.
My arms kinda burned.
I felt weak.
It was difficult to breath.
I felt weighed down.
Everything felt heavy.

I was filled with sadness.
Sadness in my heart, muscles, arms.
I let my hands plop into my lap in defeat.

The litany of mental bashing almost started up, but my energy would not permit it.
Calling myself lazy would have been inaccurate.
Telling myself I was a bad person for not exercising in a very long while was unnecessary.
Beating myself up is defeating, not motivating, so why do it?

Instead of berating myself, I paid attention to the feelings that came up when I stretched myself up to the ceiling.
The sadness, the shame, the regret, the sorrow and dread made me want to stop moving.

It's time to honor those feelings.
It's time to say, "good girl" to myself.
It's time to reassure myself that it will all be ok.

I've written about all this before.
That's ANOTHER thing.
I have to make it OK to repeat things.
It's ok if I don't get something the first time,
or the second,
or the third.
It's ok to need to learn the same lessons again and again.

My body has more than one layer of sadness to work through.
It's ok that I did not eradicate the sadness once and for all.
It's ok that my body needs to be reborn, again.

If I need to be born again daily, that's ok too.

It's ok that I let sadness stop me from being in touch with my body till now.
Sadness is hard to deal with.
I was dealing with so many other things.
The tough stuff, like sadness, got put on the back burner for later.

Later has come.

It came in the form of a sick knee.
The sick knee brought me to attention.
Time to reawaken my tired body.
Time to move with love
and I mean love.
Complete sympathy and compassion for myself and all the feelings I feel in my body.

This is not the job for a pushy taskmaster at the gym.
This may not be something I can trust to someone else.
Or maybe I need to be very careful whom I invite into the movement area of my life.
But I know that I can and will handle this.

I can work through the sadness into the light.
I can do this with love.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I don't know much about tapping but I know about hypnosis!
Hearing that it's ok to feel exactly how I feel is a relief.
This guy is using the "permissive" technique rather than the "authoritative" technique in his suggestions.
I can only take the "authoritative" approach from certain folks at certain times.
I do much better with the "permissive" approach.
Tap tap tap!
click here or click below

I am God's.
I am light.
I radiate love.
I am worthy.
Good.

You are loved.
You are light.
You are worthy.
You vibrate with Divine energy.
You are good.

amen

deeply held

"I hadn't equated confidence
with
self-love.
of course the healthiest confidence
should come from
self-love.
When thinking of confidence
I tend to associate it with
pride
or
arrogance
which is offputting
and makes
self-doubt
and
insecurity
appealing
as
humility."
- mountain mama

The penitent man is humble before God...
...penitent....
...penitent...
...the penitent man kneels before God!!
(Indy ducks and saves his own life as a whirling blade whizzes over his head)
- from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Sometimes I take it too far.
The humility turns into an unhealthy self abnegation.
Three times my students offered me a seat and three times I said, No, and remained seated on the floor, a choice that my chiropractor confirmed as not the best idea.

Or did I subconsciously injure myself?
Did I think I needed to be acutely ill in order to deserve to speak to a healer?

It would have been enough to call him and say
I was rehabilitating myself from years of morbid obesity
or
that I had low energy
or
that I needed to love my body into action
or any number of GOOD ENOUGH reasons.

But my deep down belief was that I had to be sick in order to deserve to speak with him,
so my body helped me by making me sick.
My reality conformed to my deepest belief.

Our deepest convictions always win.

But,
but,
but,
I know that I deserve to be well!!
Don't I?

A true shift in consciousness does not happen merely on the surface.
There needs to be a tectonic shift.

Can it happen in an instant?
Sure.

Does it?
I bet it does, lots of times.

Will that happen for me?
Only if I let it.

My deep down convictions seem to be saying that I need to get well gradually.
If my deepest conviction was that I could be healed instantly, my two phone calls with the healer would have fixed my knee 100% by now.

I wish to change my consciousness.
I wish to make that shift.
Part of me believes I can be well,
better than before, vibrant, alive.

But the pain in my knee says otherwise.
(I'm grateful for you, knee. Thank you for bringing me to a higher vibration.)

The knee feels fine when I'm still.
It's fine when I elevate it and stay off it.

It will be fine when I walk on it....tonight??
sigh
It would be a miracle.
I wish I were open to that miracle.
I am open on the surface but at a depth level I seem to believe that this healing needs to take time.

What can I do about it?
Be grateful.

Creator, thank you for sending me exactly what I need to be perfected, corrected and a magnificent manifestation of divine love.
I am grateful for the wellness that is at the heart of me.
Let it come to the surface where it belongs!

Amen.

Only that which serves love and life shall flourish in me.
I declare it.
Amen, again.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
In order to believe that I will be well do I have to have perfect faith?
Do I have to believe??
"Whether one is open to energetic or divine healing, or not, doesn't matter,
because within each one of us resides an energy.
We are all spirit.
So, when divine energy reconnects
with the divine in you,
you will receive the effects."
- Vlad Angert
...sigh of relief...
I need to stop thinking that I have to be Indiana Jones!
lol
click here or click below

Energy Healer part 2

Maria Pomponio, Reiki Master,
reminding us of what our brains forget
but our souls already know:
the truth.

He told me to be still and pray,
not a prayer of wanting or wishing.
Those are victim prayers.
We already have everything we need.
The Creator has taken care of all our needs.

Pray gratitude, he said.
Be grateful.

That's a challenge.
Focusing on gratitude for 10 minutes was a challenge, but not a difficult one.
I am blessed.
I have much to be grateful for.
I just said, "Thank you, God for..."
and filled in the sentence with my loving friends, family, students, animals, surroundings, opportunities etc.

But I still wanted to know why this happened to me.
Why this pain in this knee?
Why now??

Don't ask Why this happened.
Ask What.

What is it that has come to me with this knee vibration?
A teacher who can help me raise my vibration.
A book that clonked me on the head.
The information I need to bring myself and the people around me in closer relationship to our Divine energy.
Awareness.

I told him I cried in the shower this morning.
I told him I cried and prayed for forgiveness for the judgmental, angry thoughts and feelings I have toward people (and myself).
I expected him to scold me.
He didn't.

He told me that was beautiful.
He said that no matter how irritating or creepy someone might seem I must remember,
they are God.
God manifests in everyone and everything.

If I'm experiencing something negative from someone, it's a mirror.
What negative thing in me do I see in them?
They are mirrors of what I wish to change about myself.

(Mmmm. I just took a sip of the most delicious chocolate kefir as I'm typing this.)

He told me that, just for one day, every time I take a breath in to imagine energy coming into my knee. I told him I could do it once an hour. He laughed and said he'd be grateful for that.

How does my knee feel now after my second session of healing?
Normal.

It was sore when I walked on it from the bedroom to the kitchen just now.

I did not ask how many sessions it would take to heal me but he answered anyway:
as many as it takes.

Am I healed already?
Yes.
The pain is something the mind is attaching to something that is over.
My soul knows this.
I just need my brain to fall in line.

He asked me to consider what this knee situation is preventing me from doing.
I'm being stopped from doing ________.

Sometimes we need to stop for a second and be grateful for things.
Rather than rushing from one thing to the next
and one thought to the next
and one obligation to the next
we need to stop and
be present.

Gratitude helps us to be present.

All our agitation comes from the past.
We dwell on memories of what this one said or what this one did.
We keep negative stuff alive by thinking about it over and over and over.

We "kill" people with our negative thoughts about them.
By pinning them with our anger and judgment we prevent them from becoming.
We road block them from being something else, something new.

He said that when I feel the angry judgmental thought coming on replace it.
Replace that negative thought with a prayer.
Pray for them.

It will benefit them,
me,
and the universe.

If (think) I feel pain I will replace the thought of it with gratitude.

Amen.

I'm halfway through "Anatomy of the Spirit" by Carolyn Myss.
He suggested I read Joel Goldsmith but I forget which book.
It was either "Consciousness Unfolding" or "Spiritual Healing".
Meh, I'll get them both.

I'm back to work tomorrow.

I am grateful that I have friends who will accompany me to school and ease my transition.
Darren tomorrow
and Cousin Maria on Friday.

With God's grace I won't need them to ease my physical burden but only to share their incredible talents with my students.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
You are magnificence in human form.
Be grateful.
click here or click below

clonked on the head by a book

Me: "I can't believe I'm holding this book!"

Ladyfriend D : "You do believe you're holding the book and you ARE holding the book!"

"We can will the perfect future into being
by becoming microcosms of the perfect future,
and no longer casting blame outward
on institutions or hierarchies
of responsibility and control,
but by
realizing the opportunities
here,
the responsibilities
here...
salvation of your immortal soul
may depend on what you do
with the opportunity."

- Terrance McKenna

I was sitting on the sofa just now waiting for my ladyfriend to arrive with hot, homemade chicken broth (the jiggle kind) fresh from her stove top. (The healing power of homemade soup is undisputed!)

My mind was replaying my conversation with Vlad. He had said that our right side is the side that moves us into the future. My illness came as part of the "drag" effect, like a giant parachute behind a race car.

Then my mind flashed to his website where he recommends three books:

• The art of Spiritual Healing, by Joel Goldsmith
• Healing Words, by Larry Dossey
• Anatomy of the Spirit, by Carolyn Myss

I wanted the one by Carolyn Myss.
That would explain everything, I thought.
Anatomy of the Spirit, hmmm.
It must explain why certain illnesses manifest in certain places in our bodies.
Myss, a medical intuitive, will explain how our biography becomes our biology!
I wanted that book.

I thought to myself, as soon as my ladyfriend leaves, I'll hop online to Half.com and order it.

I mentioned it to my ladyfriend.

She said,
"I just gave you that book the other day when you were over my house.
That bag of books I gave you?
It's in there!!"

What???

She went out to my car for me and fetched the bag o' books.
Sure enough.
There it was.

We both had that giddy feeling when something wacky and out of the ordinary affirms us.
Yet we also felt that calm reassurance that the universe was working just as it should be.

Was it a coincidence?
There are no coincidences, she said.

Part of me was all blown away and freaked out that the book pretty much fell out of the sky and clonked me on the head like that.

Part of me just knows.
Just knows that when I'm moving in the right direction for my spirit everything just falls into place.
Books fall from the sky.
Knees heal.

Souls will mend
helped along by homemade chicken soup.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Dear God, I love YouTube!
I found Carolyn Myss!
Caroline Myss is the author of the New York Times bestselling books Invisible Acts of Power, Sacred Contracts, Why People Don't Heal and How They Can, and Anatomy of the Spirit, and is a pioneer and international lecturer in human consciousness.
click here or click below

Energy Healer

"We are all spirit.
So, when divine energy reconnects
with the divine in you,
you will receive the effects...

... You may not understand
how electricity is generated
or works,
but it's still there."

- Vladimir Angert

I was about to go to the hospital.
See on yesterday's blog?
I had talked myself into going.
I was not going to stay home and suffer.
I was taking action!
That was a good step.

Next step was to garner sympathy from the Facebook community and warn my students that class might be canceled.

I wrote this as my status message at 4:44pm:

"Possible cancellation of all my classes and activities this week due to fracture in right knee. Check emails for official announcements. (boooooo to broken knee :0("

I received this comment at 5:37pm:
"Let me know if I can help. I can fix it by phone."

Jack Shepard tells Sara that he's going to fix her
in 'Man of Science, Man of Faith'

I had hope.
Also, I was surprised and touched that Vlad Angert, a busy healer in high demand, would reach out to me on Easter Sunday.
(Or should I be not-surprised-at-all).

I called him immediately.
"Why did you wait so long to call me?"
he asked.

Good question.
I felt flustered and stupid.
Why did I wait?

Two weeks ago (Monday, March 30th) Vlad came to MSU and gave a talk at the evening session of our annual Peace Conference.
I brought my class to see him speak.
About 150 of us were in the room that night.

Since my students had to sign an attendance sheet for me so I'd know they had actually attended, I sat outside at the registration desk to greet them. After a few late stragglers made their way into the conference center ballroom I quietly entered the room for the talk.

Not wanting to disturb the speaker I kinda ducked in and plopped myself down on the carpeted floor.

Were there any empty seats had I wanted one?
I don't know.
I didn't look.
I was too worried about not drawing attention to myself.

3 of my students offered me their chairs.
Three times I denied them.
No, no, I'm fine.

I was not fine.
I was so uncomfortable sitting on the floor.
I shifted.
I tried semi-lotus.
I half reclined.
I stretched and rubbed at my knee (it was the right one that hurt even though my left leg is the one with the plate and six screws and the verified torn meniscus. My right knee was never MRI'd and was officially diagnosed as a chronic sprain that never healed but it's most likely a meniscus tear).

Vlad's talk was captivating.

It was nothing new to me.
That the universe is all vibrational energy that flows from one source
is not news to me.

That we attract illnesses into our lives for a reason and that those same illnesses can be asked to leave (and WILL leave)
was not news to me.
That we can communicate with souls who have passed on from this life...
not news to me.

But it was news to many of my students.
This was precious, vital information.
Some of my students had alilments that I KNEW could be healed if only their energies would move toward wellness.
I wanted THEM to get as much out of this talk as possible.

In the meantime, I sat on the floor and suffered.
After an hour or so I could no longer stand the pain.
Vlad was moving into Question and Answer time so I felt it was 'ok' to move around.
I stood.
I noticed SEVERAL open seats.
A few were on the aisle.

Stupid.
I felt stupid for having suffered like that on the floor for so long when I could have easily taken a seat.
If only I had LOOKED for a chair rather than sitting on the floor.
If only I had ACCPETED the chair offer from one of my students.

The talk ended. Some students and other folks orbited Vlad
Folks wanted to talk to him even after his presentation was over.

It was late and time to leave the conference center.
He made his way toward the door.

At this point, I should have introduced myself to him.
After all I had brought 100 students to see him speak.
Didn't I have a right to a few seconds of his time and attention?

Two pieces of my personality prevented me from approaching him:
pride and shame.

I was too proud to have to compete for his attention with other folks (none were my students at this point in the evening since they were all gone by now)
and
too ashamed to present myself as my self.

Pride cometh before a fall
and shame after eth?
Dunno.

I knew I wanted to meet this guy.

I followed him and the few pay-attention-to-me people who were fluttering around him onto the elevator.
I wanted to grab his hand and steal his energy.
I wanted to pull on his jacket the way the hemmoraging woman had grabbed Jesus' robe.

I didn't.

The next day I sent him a thank-you email telling him my students had been moved in many ways by his talk.
They were.

Two weeks later, my knee started to really hurt.
No specific injury or incident preceded it (to my knowledge).
It just became so inflamed that this past Saturday I could not put any weight on it.
I had my crutches brought to me from my parents' attic.

As you can see from yesterday's blog I was so desperate I was willing to go to the hospital.
Anything to get some relief from the pain.
Plus mobility. I need to get around!

Then the universe intervened and got me on the phone with Vlad on Easter Sunday evening.
He told me that the right leg is the leg that brings us into the future.
Some sort of energy at the soul level was trying to slow me down to keep me from rushing headlong into my own future.

He asked, "Are you in pain?"

Yes.
I was in pain.
How kind of him to ask.
I've always regarded my pain as an inconvenience that was something doctors had to work around to get to the real issue at hand:
fixing what I myself had broken.

Part of me always believed that I deserved to suffer.
The pain was my own fault.
Why would anyone have sympathy for me or interest in easing my pain?

Look how long it took me to just put my leg up with some ice on it.
I had to friggin' blog about the forehead slapping revelation I had to put ice on the injury!

After my phone session with Vlad the pain was almost entirely gone.
I could put weight on my leg.
I could flex my knee.
It was hours before the pain crept back and I had to take another pain killer.
Today my knee is sore but not hospital worthy.
I am not using the crutches.
I'm using my cane for support.

I reluctantly canceled two days worth of classes and activities.
Really reluctantly.
I'm still contemplating Wednesday's class.
I should rest.

Guess I have some healing to do.

Whatever this "issue" is, I'm willing to work through it.
I'm willing to receive the energy that will fix me.

I have another phone session with Vlad on Wednesday.

So it goes.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I do my version of cat cow in the shower with my hands on the tub ledges.
It's all about the breath and the abs and the spine.
That's the best I can do right now with the mobility I've got
but I can get more.
I will, with God's help, rehabilitate this body.
Wellness is possible.
I believe.
I believe.
I can be well.
click here or click below

good girl goes to hospital

Oh, how I wish I had little orange birds to fly me around like the Fail Whale from Twitter!

Oh, how I wish I didn't have to be a burden to anyone....

scratch that..

Oh, how I wish I didn't have to bother anyone...

scratch that...

Oh, how I wish I didn't need anyone.

Cuz what happens when I need someone?
When I need someone, I have to admit that I need help.
I feel vulnerable.
When I'm vulnerable I set myself up for disappointment.

What if I call out for help and no one shows up?
What if they DO show up but they resent me for needing them?
What if my neediness wears people out and they get sick of me??

Ugh.

All this self-flaggelating mind chatter
is brought to you by

LISA NEEDS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL
because SHE CAN'T PUT ANY WEIGHT ON HER RIGHT KNEE!

Premiering on channel:
GO NOW!
Go to the hospital NOW!

Ok.
I'll go.
I'm just going to give in and go to the Emergency Room tomorrow.

Cuz if I don't go tomorrow,
I know how I get.

I'll try to treat myself.
I'll stay home,
self diagnose
and self treat
and pass out from exhaustion
being my own doctor and nurse.

Instead I'm just going to cut to the chase and admit I need an exray.
I need real medical attention.
I need the help and support of my friends and family.

And crutches.

Dammit.

No.

Blessit.

Bless this situation.
Bless the problem and its gift.

Everything will turn out better than it was.

Send Reiki.
Send vibes.
Send prayers.

I'll have a post hospital report tomorrow.

bone=itis

“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones”
- Proverbs

I needed to get my priorities straight, maybe?

There's a possible full time position on the horizon for me.
Along with steady work and money (hooray for money!)
I'd FINALLY have health insurance.

Of course my mind is at work planning my body lift surgeries.
Slice off the butt gut,
trim the flap off the arms,
raise the boobs back to above the waistline!

But my body is saying:
BONES!!
Help with the bones, please!!!

My vanity wants one thing.
My body wants another.

My poor knees,
my amazing knees,
my miraculous knees,
my knees that held me up at 400 pounds,
took a beating from me over the past 40 some odd years.

Being morbidly obese for many of those years has done damage.
The bottom half of my legs are bowed from carrying so much weight for so many years.
Yes, they actually changed shape.

My knees?
I know I have torn menisci but how has THAT changed over the years?
I haven't had an MRI since....gosh...2000?

Who knows if I even have any cartilage left in my poor right knee.
It burns.
It really stings.
I've tried to stay off it as much as possible.
I have ice on it.
Keeping it elevated.
Still hurts bad.

And now the crutches are on the way.
The crutches I used when I was 17 years old.
Same ones I used for 3 years.
The ones that have been stored in my parents' attic for 22 years.
Yeah.
Three years I spent as the crutch lady from age 17 to age 20
(click here for that story).

And here they come again.
My old crutches.

There's something karmic in all this.

Reliving past hurts,
correcting past mistakes,
dealing with stored emotion
and rearranging some priorities.

My knees have held out long enough.
The minute I get health insurance I'm going to get MRIs on my knees and fix them.
Fix them.
Correct my knee mistakes.
Bone-ily, emotionally, spiritually and permanently!!

But for now,
I'll be building up my upper body
using my old crutches.

Talk about a lesson in humility.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Every single instance of life in this universe is an extension of you and you are an extension of it. As life, we are not as old as we often think we are...
Perhaps we should not only be counting your age in terms of decades, but in the billions of years. The fact that you are alive today, and that your body is literally made of star stuff, is living proof of this."
click here or click below

with authority

"Why can you tell people
over and over again to eat less,
and yet they don't lose any weight?
One possibility is that
every time you tell them to eat less,
you tell them to eat less fat as well.
That's what we did in the '80s and '90s.
We even stayed away from
avocados and peanut butter,
which we now know have
good fats in them...

...If you just reduce the amount of calories,
you'll lose weight,
even though there's
not a single study
that's ever shown that.
But this is what they know for sure,
so we're going to put people on a diet,
we're going to tell them to eat less calories,
and if they don't lose weight,
that's because they
didn't eat less calories....

...If they didn't eat less calories,
that's because they don't have any willpower,
and willpower's some
psychological concept
that you don't have but I do.
I'm thin because
I have willpower.
And that's what it comes down to...

...To me, it's almost mystifying,
because I've interviewed people
who have done research on each step of the way.
And then I say,
"This should be the null hypotheses.
You should assume carbohydrates
cause weight gain until proven otherwise,
not the other way around.
Why don't you believe that?"
And they'll say,
"Well, because my rats get fat on fat."
And it's true.
Rats will get fat on dietary fat, f
atter than they will on carbohydrates.
So then the question becomes:
Are rats a good animal model for
human
obesity? ...

...It's not just the calories.
That's the point.
It's the effect of the calories on the hormones,
and the effect of the hormones
on how your body decides
to use the calories you're eating
- is it going to burn them as fuel
or store them as fat
- and that effect on hunger."
- Gary Taubes

I need to become an expert.
When I read this stuff, I get it, but not enough to teach it.

What I'm doing with my diet is radical.
It's strange.
It's off the grid
and folks are not going to take this information easily.

When I give my "human potential" talks (like that phrase instead of 'motivational'?)
I tell my story.
I AM an expert on that.
No one wants to hear a lecture on the statistics regarding gastric bypass, anyway.
They want info on weight loss surgery?
They can Google that shit.

Audiences want to hear my story.
They want to know what happened.

THEN they want to know how I did it.
What was it that led me to make lasting changes?
What am I doing that's so different than what others have done?

It was easy when I was
towing the mainstream party line:
Go to the gym.
Eat low fat.

But when my depression became unmanageable,
my hair fell out,
I was too weak to work
or take care of myself (let alone work out),
all I wanted to do was sleep,
my appetite was raging,
I had cravings for carbs like you woudn't believe,
I knew I had to do something different.

Radically different.

When going "gluten free" and "dairy free" didn't magically
cure me, I kept looking.

The weird, wacky world of Weston A. Price inspired eating is saving me
and it's radical.
Radically different than anything we've been told since Atkins.

But Atkins didn't go far enough.
He didn't differentiate between grass-fed (and finished) free range meat and dairy and the anti-biotic ridden commercial crap you get from the grocery store.
I don't know if he talked about hydrogenated oils vs. fats like virgin cold pressed coconut oil, extra virgin olive oil, organic lard, raw butter and animal fats.

I don't know the science of all this enough to teach it
or even defend it when someone starts in with me about cholesterol and fat.
And of course people do
cuz everyone ELSE is an expert on what I should be doing.

I've read the data on traditional foods.
I've read the reports.
I understood them when I read them, but I don't remember enough to hold my own in an argument or at a lectern.

Also, I'm still fat.
No one wants to listen to "diet" advice from someone who's overweight.

So, for now, I'm telling my story.
Then I end my story with "look me up a year from now and see how I'm doing with all this."

Maybe my improved condition will speak for itself.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
With a booming voice of authority!
Yay.
Amen.
A women.
click here or click below

turn turn turn

What does the worker gain from toil?

I have seen the burden God has laid on humankind.
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
I know that there is nothing better
for us than to be happy
and do good
while we live.

That everyone may eat and drink,
and find satisfaction in all our toil
- this is the gift of God.


I know that everything God does
will endure forever;
nothing can be added to it
and nothing taken from it.
^{- from Ecclesiastes 3}

I get frustrated when I think I'm doing the right thing but the universe doesn't line up like the Rockettes to do high kicks of appreciation behind me the way I think it should.

My knee is giving me trouble, less trouble than yesterday morning, but trouble nonetheless.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, that I attract my "troubles" so that I may learn from them and be corrected.
So I'm indulging myself in speculation about what I'm supposed to be learning from my right knee troubles.

That I'm still too heavy?
I sure didn't need my knee to blow up for me to realize that I'm fat.
I have a full length mirror.
I have feet and ankles that struggle to hold me up.
I'm still shopping in the big girl stores.
I know damn well that I'm over shaped.

In Oprah magazine this month there is a page of exercises specifically to strengthen women's knees.
This was thrilling to me.
The universe had sent me exactly what I needed!

When I flipped the page and looked at the exercises my heart fell.
They were NOT for folks who had knee injuries.
They were impossible (or dangerous) for anyone with torn menisci.

And for women of size?
This thing that hangs in front of me, the pannus, the giant dough sack, my world of hurt prevents me from getting into the positions suggested by the exercises.
The condition of my knees keeps me from doing some of the exercises,
and once again I'm left with my jaw on fire, tensed, aching with rage.

Misunderstood.
Told to do something that will further injure me rather than help me.
Expected to be able to do what slim women can.
Talked down to.

Now, was that article designed to do all those things for me?
No.
Is that what I felt??

Now what?

I've got ice on my knee now.
I've reluctantly been sitting on my stool in front of the sink which feels like a huge step backwards in my recovery.
I've been doing the physical therapy exercises that I learned back when I was seeing a physical rehabilitation therapist 3 times a week at the hospital.

What I'm NOT doing is staying off it.

I'm too busy.
I have out of town company arriving shortly.
The apartment needs to be yanked into shape.
Cooking needs to be done.
Activities are planned.

I've got work to do!
And fun to have!
I need my knee to work!

So I'm trying to be mindful.
Kitchen work can be hard on a torn meniscus because of the small space movements involved, the twisting, turning, small steps, awkward placement of the feet, bending, reaching, weight shifting.

I'm trying to be aware of what I'm doing.
Trying to keep my weight balanced.
Trying to step slowly and lightly.
Keeping my knee facing forward.

I've tried wearing a knee brace for support but I have not found one that accommodates my short fat legs. They bunch up at the crease in my knee and cut off the circulation in my leg.
More rage.

I've been having fantasies about fetching my crutches out of the attic.
I walked on them for 3 years when I had the non-union fracture at age 17.
It sure would build up my upper arms!

Anyway, I'm fighting the good fight over here.
I'm continuing to work,
continuing to heal,
continuing to pray for healing of myself and others,
and being grateful for what's good and what I perceive to be not good.

Everything in its own time, ya know?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
There's a time for every purpose under heaven.
Amen.
click here or click below

Put Ice On It!!

Good thing I didn't throw away those frozen vegetables!
I almost did.

I've been eating so well lately - nice fresh vegetables from the farmer's market - that I figured I would never eat those frozen vegetables ever again.
They were just taking up room in my freezer.
I was going to commit the worst Italian sin ever:
throwing away food!
But I didn't.
My hang up about wasting food stopped me.

My hangup paid off.
When I woke up an hour before my alarm today, my right knee was on fire.

It has been bothering me for almost a week.
What should I be doing about it?
Elevating it
and staying off of it.

What AM I doing?
Popping anti-inflammatories and pounding on it as I stomp through my busy life.

Not good.

But I'm too busy to slow down.
I enjoy teaching, walking, cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing dishes and all the things I can do that are making me well.

Admit that I have injuries that need attending??
Nonsense!

So I stomped
and stomped
and stomped
until the pain was so bad it woke me up an hour ahead of my alarm today.

Yesterday the inflammation was giving me the hibbly jibbly fever chills.
It felt like I was fighting off an infection.
I had the shakes from it.
Inflammation in one area of my body was screwing me up all over.
It made me sad.

So, there I lay in my bed this morning, crying.
Crying and angry.
My mind went to work trying to figure out what to do.
My addiction to anger kicked in.
I blamed everyone who ever misunderstood me or belittled my pain.
I blamed anyone who ever told me that my knee pain was my own fault for being too fat.

I seethed and I suffered.
Then a clear, rational, commanding voice said to me inside my brain,
"Put Ice On It!"

Put ice on it.

Simple.
Sound.
The thing an athlete might do automatically without having to be told.
The thing they do in emergency rooms when you come in with an injury.

Put ice on it.

I threw a bunch of bags of frozen vegetables in a giant plastic zip lock bag then arranged the little blobs of icy produce around my injured knee.

I propped up the knee with a pillow, made sure the ice was pressing on the most painful part of the knee, then dozed off peacefully for another hour.

I woke up in less pain, still suffering, but somewhat relieved.

Ice.

Why didn't I think of that sooner??

My ladyfriend had a scratchy throat the other day. She was suffering with some transitional sniffles and a pre-cold. I told her to make herself some tea with honey and take a spoonful of raw honey to soothe her.
Then I immediately disclaimed myself by saying, "I don't need to tell you that, you know that already!"

She said that although she knows it and can easily apply it to OTHER people she needs to be told to do it for herself. She says she wishes people would do that for her sometimes: remind her to take care of herself in those small, obvious ways.

It's true.
If I heard someone ELSE telling me their torn meniscus was giving them pain I would tell them to
get off it,
elevate it
and ice it.

But for myself??
Suffer suffer suffer
blame blame blame
cry cry cry
wish someone would understand.

By God's mercy,
my mind told me what I needed to do,
with urgency!

Put some ice on it.

I've got ice on it now.
I've got a busy day ahead of me.
Let's hope I can stay off it for a better part of this holiday weekend!

Self care is a skill to be learned.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
If everything is energy then anything is possible.
Jonas (Steve Martin) has no faith but Boyd (Lukas Haas) is "the genuine article".
He believes and he is healed.
Jonas did not expect the miracle but Boyd did.
The kid got what he expected.
click here or click below

the good physician

"...public health authorities
told us unwittingly,
but with the best of intentions,
to eat
precisely those foods
that would make us fat,
and we did.
We ate more fat-free carbohydrates,
which, in turn,
made us
hungrier
and
then
heavier...


...The N.I.H. spent
several hundred million dollars
trying to demonstrate a connection
between eating fat
and getting heart disease and,
despite what we might think,
it failed...

...Though researchers are hesitant
to agree with this,
it does suggest that
heart-disease risk
could actually be reduced
when fat is added back into the diet
and starches
and refined carbohydrates
are removed....


...I have learned that
low-fat diets
fail
in clinical trials
and
in real life,
and they certainly have failed
in my
life."
- Gary Taubes in NY Times article
"What if It's All Been a Big Fat Lie?"
July 7, 2002

If ghee is good for baby Krishna, it's good enough for me!
And it is.

I'm not holding up "eating less" as a virtue but it's worth mentioning: I'm eating less.
As someone who's battled an eating disorder all her life, I notice and appreciate my decrease in appetite.

The decrease in appetite went from compulsive-binge-level to nourishment level.
Food is nourishing me emotionally and physically.

Yes, I said it, emotionally.

We've been hearing about "emotional eating" as a cause of obesity for years.
I believed the rhetoric.
I blamed my over eating on my inability to handle my emotions.
My anxiety was making me eat, or so I believed.

What I'm noticing now is that the foods I was eating during my binge days contributed to my out of control anxiety, emotional states and hormonal imbalance.
The foods themselves screwed me up.

I was anxious AND malnourished.
Of course I ate!
and ate!
and ate!

I look back at my older blog posts and read that my stomach was like an angry furnace that was never satisfied.
And of course, I blamed myself.
I blamed my lack of will.
I blamed my emotions.

Oh, man am I going to be writing some books in my lifetime.

I'm pissed.

I'm pissed at the people who convinced me I had an EMOTIONAL eating disorder.
I'm pissed at the people who told me that low-fat was the right way to eat.
I'm pissed at the diet industry, 12 Step, doctors, dietitians, weight loss coaches, all the ones who failed to tell me the truth because THEY THEMSELVES didn't know the truth.

Yet they pushed their obsessive diets on me anyway.
Being sick, weak and desperate, I believed.
How was I to know they were dead wrong??

By their fruit you will recognize them.
Do people pick grapes from thornbushes,
or figs from thistles?
17Likewise every good tree
bears good fruit,
but a bad tree bears bad fruit.
- Matthew 7:16-17

Be mindful of that.
Be mindful of systems that DO NOT WORK!
Know things by their fruits, their results.
Ask yourself, " How does this make me feel??"

My cousin, a Reiki Master, asked me, "Who knows your body better than you??"

No one.
Except maybe God.

Hey, God knows the number of hairs on my head, but he's not a physician.
Or is He?

In nature there is everything we need to be healthy.
The farther from nature we get, the sicker we get.
As my diet turns more radically organic I am getting better.

I have suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and spent thousands of dollars, but instead of getting better I got worse.

Now I'm giving my health back to a natural, traditional diet.

As I get better and better
I will get louder and louder.

The lies and wickedness must end.
Our very lives are at stake.

I will not lose my life to false prophets (or profits!)

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
One of my favorite Weston A. Pricers, Erin Huggins
interviews the Raw Milk Ninja, Mark McAffee.
"Just keep it real people.
Count chemicals not calories. "
Amen, sister!
click here or click below

It has electrolytes! o_O

"The dubious Brawndo attained its dominant role
simply by buying the government agencies
that might thwart its power
and by marginalizing the use of water
by corporate fiat.
Witless consumers
parrot the drink’s advertised inclusion
of electrolytes
as the best thing about it
— though they clearly don’t know
what electrolytes are
or
why they are supposed
to be good."

- NY Times review of Idocracy

Dr. Dadavildy is a unique individual,
but he knows a lot about electrolytes.
And why they're important.
and that's why he wins
the video contest about brawndo.
Because Brawndo's got electrolytes.
Which are what people crave.
Which is why they use them
to make Brawndo.
Electrolytes are awesome,
which is why they've started including them
in all kinds of products.
Like envigorating
electrolyte
soap.

But it has electrolytes!!

It's what plants crave!
Plants don't want water.
Water comes from a toilet.
Ever see a plant growing out of a toilet??

So funny.

Rent the film 'Idiocracy' and tell me how far off we are from turning into that society.

Media can convince us of ANYTHING.
Look how afraid we are of germs?
We're a downright germophobic society!

Forget about saturated fat.
Commercials have skewed our thinking so badly we're willing to eat processed poisonous faux foods (margarine, fat free salad dressings) rather than real food.

And the backlash against real foods and traditional eating
is very passionate.
Folks don't like to be told that they've been duped.

I better learn to expect it.
I spoke about traditional foods at the tail end of my talk in an undergraduate Nutrition and Society class on Saturday.
After I left the professor had to field the questions:

"Isn't she going to have a heart attack eating that way?"

"OMG she's going to gain back all her weight."

"Aren't her arteries going to clog up with fat eating that way?"

"She should check her cholesterol!"

Hey, I get where they're coming from.
Folks tried to tell me about fats and how our bodies need them.
I didn't listen.

Even my surgeon's nurse practitioner told me to eat some fat.
He said it would fill me up sooner than low fat foods.
He said it would help me to keep my hair.
He suggested some egg salad with mayo.

My Idiocracy kicked in with:
"Yeah, Omega 3 fish oils maybe
or olive oil but certainly NOT fats from animal products!!"
I had all the answers you know,
cuz I was so smart o_O

Hair falling out,
dull skin,
no energy,
pains in all my joints,
sick at least 3 times a year,
hormonally imbalanced,
severely depressed,
but I knew what I was doing!

Yeah, the media can convince us of anything.

Ever hear the phrase
"corn fed Iowa beef!" ??

Sounds so cowboy-wholesome.
Corn fed beef.
Rugged beef raised on the goodness of corn.

Beef animals,
you know,
steer,
don't eat corn as part of their natural diet.
They're grass eaters.
Feed them corn and you make them sick.
But that's what we have antibiotics for, right?
Ugh.

Want Omega 3's??
Gotta have those Omega 3's!!
We all know they come from salmon, right?

Only if they're wild salmon.
Farmed salmon have been fed soy and corn.
They give us an imbalance of Omega 6 that bullies the Omega 3's right out of it.
Farmed salmon are not as nutritious.

Buying wild salmon requires looking at labels.
Maybe spending a couple of extra bucks.

But who wants to do all that thinking when we're at the grocery store, right?
Too much info.
Too much to remember.
Can't we just buy "healthier" stuff and hope for the best?

Can't we eat our Quaker Oats granola bars, lower our cholesterol
and force ourselves to hamster-wheel it at the gym 4 times a week?

Sure.

Do it.

If it makes you FEEL better, then don't fix what ain't broken.

If you're healthy and happy you have no reason to change.

I was eating my tofu, brown rice and beans.
I hamster-wheeled it at the gym 6 days a week.
I ate only 5% of my calories from fat.

Where did it get me?
I started 2009 being
sickly,
weak,
too tired to work,
balding,
depressed,
unfocused
and hopeless.

Then I got out of my comfort zone and learned a few things.

I changed my thinking,
my lifestyle,
my eating and I'm more
active,
energetic,
robust
and recovering.

I'm not all the way there, but I know better than to trust the TV to tell me how to get better or how to eat.
I'm eating and learning off the grid.

I trust (with a skeptical mind but open heart) information from non-profit sources that are committed to raising awareness.
If there's a brand name or profit to be made, my radar is up.

Now it's time for crispy nuts.
I slow roasted them yesterday with some Celtic Sea salt.
Yum!

Funny.
You can't get them in stores.
They just don't make 'em that way.
But for a great place to order them online
click here.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Mutilate your thirst!
Brawndo has electrolytes and those are good, right?
click here or click below

Sun Therapy

"The underlying assumption
of Naturopathy
is that there are self-regulating forces
which govern all living things,
including human beings.
Naturopathic treatment
consists firstly in viewing symptoms
as reminders that we are
doing certain things
or
thinking certain thoughts
which inhibit the self-regulating forces
to work
and that we should act
to remove those inhibitions
if we want to regain
our health."
- Naturopathy

"This life in the open air
is best carried out
in a sitting or semi-reclining posture.
Every hour of the day
in all seasons of the year
and in all kinds of weather
should thus be spent,
together with sleeping in a tent,
protected veranda,
or in a house with windows wide open.
It will be found that the colder the weather,
the more marked
and permanent the results.
One does not need to be uncomfortable;
one can be well wrapped
with
heavy
blankets."
- Gerorge Wharton James

I put myself in the front yard sanatorium today.
Wrapped up in warm fleece and sweatpants
I slept on my beach chair in the sunshine.

The air was April cool.
The wind was a little raw when it found its way up my pant leg,
but I dozed easily and slept deeply for an hour.

Then, I came in the house and put myself to bed for another 2 hours of deep sleep.

I probably would have slept longer but my company arrived.
The apartment wasn't clean.
Food was not prepared.
Blog was still unwritten.

But what are friends for?
They help.
They forgive.
They understand.

Matt is at my parents helping my mother move the deck furniture outside.
Sarah is happily eating Amish bread and butter in the living room while I blog
and steam the potatoes (Matt has plans for them as well as the different colored cauliflower they picked up from Wegmans!)

No big.
Food will be prepared.
All will be well.

After Palm Sunday services this morning I went to the Farmer's Market to walk around in the fresh air. I picked up a few things I wasn't able to get yesterday: celery, cucumbers and some fancy Chinese tea.

My (soaked overnight) 3 pounds of raw pumpkin seeds are slow roasting in the oven now.
I sprinkled them with Celtic Sea salt (super rich in minerals and harvested off the coast of Brittany, France).

I'm still a little woozy and could probably use some more sleep but I'll be ok.
I'm going out to Palm Sunday Mass in a little while.
That should perk me up.

Coming home to a house full of warm cooking smells, good food and good friends will be soothing
like a tonic for the soul.

Food and friend therapy.
Nice.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Milk.
Sun.
A supplement if you must.
GET VITAMIN D!!
You'll be surprised to hear that sun is good for you!
click here or click below

chi on tree

Sometimes you just gotta run on pure chi.
Lucky I have me some chi!

Five and a half hours.
Five and a half hours of shopping with my mother!!

This happened AFTER I gave a one hour talk to a room full of undergrads in Professor N.G's Nutrition and Society class.

My talks used to end with
"And then I ate low fat and worked out every dayyyyyyy."

Now it ends with how
REAL foods are bringing me back to life.

I talked about fats.
I talked about organics.
I talked about real dairy.

I talked about the Farmer's Market.

It must have had an effect because
I ran into someone from the class at the Farmer's Market!!

He said he used to work up the street and never shopped there.
He and his wife were going to stock up on some super affordable produce.
He said my talk inspired him.
Nice.

Yep.
I don't just talk the talk.
I walk the walk, baby.

I came in just now and ate some wonderful Stilton with pear while Xander and Hurley (aka
Baron McSpringtime Von Punkle Munkle and Baron McSpringtime Von Brusha Bursha)
are noisily sniffing through and disrupting the shopping bags in the living room.

Company is coming tonight.
I have plenty of good, wholesome foods to prepare and enjoy.

I am thankful.
Oh, yes I am.

Now I need to generate some chi.
Maybe Miss Baron Mc Springtime Von Lisa Lisa should take a quick cat nap.
Chi doesn't grow on trees you know!

Oh, wait.
Yes it does.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Two of my favorite things: food and Star Wars.
"Farm? It's a kind of a field that creates all edible things."
Enjoy!
click here or click below

Wholesome!!

I must be getting more confident.
No glow effect.
No blurry soft focus.
Just a photo of me.

(This blog post is part of Real Food Wednesdays! Click here)

At that college in Jersey City
I teach with Jesus
looking over my shoulder
literally AND figuratively!

"Get rid of the industrial foods,
go back to a traditional diet
(eat more butter, animal fats
and avoid refined, processed foods
like white flour,
sugar and high fructose corn syrup),
and you’ll lose weight naturally,
and keep it off
- just like our ancestors did."
- CheeseSlave in
Exercise is Overrated

I don't know about you but I think I LOOK better.
My skin looks better.
I'm getting a healthier glow.
My weight is slowly dropping again.

I have more energy.

Although a measure of good health is always answered by the question
HOW DO YOU FEEL??
I do think that a look in the mirror has something to say as well.

I didn't use much glow effect on the above pics.
One of the pics is totally raw.
No soft focus or glow effect at all!

I've never done that on this blog,
except with my "before" pictures.

I've always felt the need to make my skin look more glowy,
smoother,
younger,
with PhotoShop effects.

Not this time.
This time it's all me.
I know it's the food.
I'm enjoying the Heidi of the Swiss Alps affect.

It's the food.

The people who are cultivating my farm food are lovers of God,
people of Christ,
loving and simple,
hard working,
respecters of the land,
co-creators of the abundance of nature around them.

The food is vibrating with holiness and love.

And if energy talk like that gives you the hibbly jibblies,
just consider the biology of it all.

No pesticides.
No hormones, no antibiotics or chemicals.

The animals eat clean, fresh, fast growing green grass.
They're treated with dignity in a humane, natural environment.
They're the happy cows we've always seen smiling on our milk cartons,
only this time, it's for real!

They willingly come in from the fields and file into their milking stalls.
They're surrounded by dirt,
mud,
wood,
sun,
fresh air,
and life!

It's no wonder they give such remarkably vibrant, healthy, pure milk.

I understand that folks like my beloved Susan Powter are anti-dairy.
She Tweets about her Soy milk and Soy cheese.
I know why.

She's SEEN the horrors perpetuated by the big dairy industry.
She's seen the evidence of hormones,
antibiotics
and pus in the milk.

The pasteurized, homogenized, factory produced, crap milk on our grocery shelves is de-natured garbage.
Mass produced milk is devoid of the God bless-ed nutrients that nature MEANT us to have!!
It's full of sickness, spiritually and chemically.
Of course she's avoiding it!

And I understand why someone like her who is trying to make health widely available to the masses would make suggestions for healthy eating that can be attained easily in the grocery store.

I get it.

Radical change is not an easy sell.

By alerting smart women (and men) to the dangers of mass-produced dairy, she's doing us a favor.
More folks will be helped by her approach because it's doable by mainstream people who don't know they have other options or who aren't ready to shun the grocery store and start eating off the grid.

But I urge anyone who is motivated to make life-giving change for the sake of health (planetary as well as bodily) to consider going to the Weston A. Price Foundation website and looking into a radically healthy way of eating.

Eating "better" didn't do it for me.
Making better choices at the supermarket was not enough.
I was still tired, sickly, fat and fading.

The foods I'm eating now are infusing me with real life.
Real energy.
Real love.

I can FEEL my health coming back to me.
I can feel my YOUTH coming back to me!

That feeling,
that state of health cannot be bought in a store.
It has to be searched out.
It has to be found outside the mainstream.

I wish that for all of you:
abundant health,
abundant life,
abundant joy
wherever you can find it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Life in its fullness is
Mother Nature obeyed." - Dr. Weston A. Price
There's one good word to describe Sally Fallon:
WHOLESOME!!
click here or click below

Little Miss Full of Shitness

I'm not perfect.
I Tweet self-righteously about my healthy eating habits.
I blog about moving away from fragmented, processed foods and drugs.
Yet I'm still using a bit.

Way back in the day...ok, not so far back.
More like a few years ago.
The doc prescribed me Ritalin.

Mind you this was when I still weighed 400 pounds.
The sleep apena was yet to be diagnosed.
I was in grad school, dozing off in my grad classes.
No energy.
Desperate for help, I complained to my doc about inability to focus.

Is it a wonder I couldn't focus?
I couldn't sleep!!
I didn't KNOW I wasn't sleeping.
My eyes were shut.
I was unconscious.
But sleep apnea is a strange devil.
After having "slept" for 10- 12 hours I woke up tired.

Of course the docs blamed my weight for causing the fatigue.
They blamed my depression.

I blamed myself.

It wasn't until I came down with pneumonia in 2005 that a smart doc advised me to get a sleep test.
The sleep test confirmed I had apnea.
Severe apnea.
Like, should have been dead apnea.

The CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) has been keeping me alive at night for the past 4 years.
Thank God.

Losing 150 pounds has helped me too.

But I still take the Ritalin.
Why?
I'm still fighting fatigue, as you know.

I gave up coffee for Lent.
But still, I've been drinking my tea.

I feel like I need the stimulants.

This morning I had to wake up super early for a morning meeting.
My intention was to stay awake after the meeting so I could blog, write my lecture for tonight, grade quizzes, write two quizzes, prepare food, etc.

I jacked myself up on a giant mug of tea plus
maybe
kinda
an extra dose of Ritalin.

My heart palpitations were a little scary.
I was more foggy and tired than if I had NOT done anything to over stimulate myself.

I had to nap for an hour and a half just to even out.

Why am I getting all confessional about this?

Cuz I'm not here to pretend I'm so morally superior healthwise.
It's not fair to my readership to pretend to always be doing the right thing.

It would be downright sh*tty of me to say one thing and do another.

Sure I've made some great strides forward in my life.
Yes, I'm doing MUCH better with my eating habits and health in general.

But I still have work to do.

I'm human.
Always striving for perfection.
Always falling short.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Here's my non-denominational prayer
that I wrote for our meeting this morning:

From all of us together
let us ask to be filled with the purest intentions.
That in our hearts,
in this world
and in this community we abide in peace.

Help us to appreciate our struggles
and challenges
as opportunities to grow
and trust that we will have the strength
to be perfected by our hardest lessons.

May we always be mindful
that love gives worth to all things.

May our work be fruitful
and our actions be
for the good of those whom we serve.
Amen
click here or click below

Ain't No April Fool!

I wish she still had her head.

How come we call her a "fertility" goddess?
Can't she just be a goddess??

"In our effort to get
healthy
and
look great,
we have created an environment
so hostile
to the idea of obesity
that overweight people
have become marginalized,
giving up on their well-being
and sometimes failing to show up
even for such routine tests
as Pap smears and mammograms
for fear of being hectored
about their weight
by their doctors."
- Can You Be Fat and Healthy? from Time Magazine

I am goddess-shaped and my body is changing.
Right now it's changing on the inside.

My hormones are coming into alignment.
My energy is coming back to me, slowly.
My gut is healing.

My heart is recovering beat by beat.

Energy healer, Vladimir Angert, says we are here in this life to
love
and
correct.

Not even to learn.
Our souls already know all they need to know.
It's not about knowing.

We're here to love God, love self and others
(he didn't say that specifically. I'M saying that...well, Jesus said it first).

Love and correct.

Bringing everything into balance.
Lovingly.

I'm in process.

I trust God to sustain me in my process.

The universe has but ONE power.

I emanate from that power.
We all do.

We are here to love and correct.

That is all.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Gift of Love read by Deepak Chopra and Demi Moore.
Rumi.
Nuff said.
click here or click below