The New Year's List

I'm going to make my '5 Minutes in 2009' list.

I'd rather be writing about how I visualize my dream lifestyle.
Remember Kirstie Alley in 'Fat Actress'? A big ol' house with two assistants, residual income coming in to support her comfortable, well appointed, lifestyle.
Or Emma Thompson's crazy character in 'Stranger Than Fiction', the eccentric writer who's a recluse most of the time.
I'd love to stay home, get paid to write, and only ventue out to do talks selectively in big bursts of energy then go back to my cozy, comfy home to do what I love: hide out and think.

But I'm not going to write about that.
I'm going to keep my word and create my New Year's resolution list,
my 5 Minutes in 2009 list, my list of daily activities, that if done for just 5 minutes a day on a daily basis, will help me become well.

The first task?
The food Diary.
A few months ago when I first talked about it, one of you suggested TheDailyPlate.
I'm setting up an account right now.
brb

Ok, I'm back.
You can find me on...
I've used my real name,
Lisa Sargese
unless they list me under my User Name
BelovedIdeas.
I'm perfectly willing to do this publicly. I've got nothing to hide about what I eat (hear that, Self? You've got nothing to hide!)

Ok, so far I've got ONE thing on my daily list of 5 minute activities:

1) Keep a food log.

Next!
Movement.
5 minutes a day of INTENTIONAL movement.
What do I mean by "intentional" movement?
I mean I'm going to double task.
WHILE I'm moving, I'm going to be VISUALIZING how I want my body to heal, how I want it to feel, how I want it to look AND I'll be verbalizing how grateful I am for my body just as it is.

The movement will be targeted to the areas on my body that are desperate for blood flow, chi flow and attention, especially my joints!

Movement can/will include: the exercises that I learned (from experts in rehabilitation) in physical therapy designed to ease the pain/damage of my torn meniscus (both knees) and arthritis. I'll do yoga stretches, weight training, balance and endurance.

Add to my list
2) Intentional Movement

What else?
Big job cleaning.
Big job cleaning is different than the usual, daily dish-doing, kitchen vacuuming and cat box sifting. Those things get done automatically unless I'm deathly sick.

Big job cleaning would be CHANGING the litter box or TAKING the garbage out or DUSTING something or MOPPING somewhere or LAUNDRY or LINEN CHANGING or vacuuming the living room, hallway, bedroom etc.

Add to my list of things I will do for 5 minutes per day
3) Big job cleaning

So far, not too painful.
Ooof, this next one is gonna hurt...

Book writing!
Yipe!
Blogging is not THAT big of an effort for me.
I enjoy it.
My day doesn't feel complete unless I've blogged, but writing the book?
I'm filled with dread just thinking about it, but it's only for 5 minutes at a clip so....
Halfway to Skinny will be completed!
The sequel, Still Fat will be completed!
This year!!
Add to the list

4) Book writing

Now for the job front.
Ugh.
More dread, more anxiety, but it's only for 5 minutes a day, Lis.
You can do it!!

Add to the list

5) Preparing for my classes (I'm teaching 4 this semester!)

More for the job/accomplishment front
Blog promotion!
That could mean adding my blog to a reader service, posting to a discussion group or leaving comments on others' blogs.

Add to the list

6) Blog promotion

Another thing. Intentional reading.
Reading something that forwards my efforts in recovery.
That can be someone else's blog, a few pages from a book, or an article.
Something healthy.
Something positive.

Add to the list

7) Reading

What else would make my life more intentional?
Ah, business.
Bills, student loans, medical forms, filing, applications, paperwork.

Add to the list

8) Paperwork

Another addition to the list will be correspondence.
Answering emails, responding to comments on my blog or profile on a bunch of other sites (MySpace, Susan Powter's Online Community, Obesity Help, etc.)

Add to the list

9) Correspondence

And to round up the list to 10 things, I'll add...well, let's say it's at 10 already.
I combined Creative visualization with Movement so those two don't always have to be done together. They can be separate endeavors.

Ok, here's the list of things I will do every day for at least 5 minutes in 2009!

1) Keep a food log/journal at LiveStrong.com
2) Intentional Movement
3) Big job cleaning
4) Book writing
5) Prepare for class
6) Promote Blog
7) Read
8) Paperwork
9) Correspond
10) Creative Visualization

Now to print it out and put it next to the computer where I can
See it
and
Do it!

Happy New Year!!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...just what timeless truths are we still missing?"
Yeah, be careful of what you wish for!
Be intentional when you wish!
Thoughts become things.
It's a LAW of the universe.
Don't thumb your nose at the law ;-)
Mike Dooley, as featured in "The Secret," explains the inviolate principle that gives us dominion over all things.
click here or click below

Accepting slippage

"I'm trying to
fill the abyss
of meaninglessness
to overflowing.
Why can't I just fill it to the top
and relax?
I don't know why
I want more,
I just do."
- me 2 years ago

"I'm not sure
I'll ever be so
whole,
balanced,
evolved
and
calm
that I won't ever binge eat again.
I'm not sure I ever
have to be perfected
that way.
What I am sure of is
that I can
get better.
Better choices
lead to better health.
Better health
leads to
greater satisfaction
in life."
- me last year

Wow.
I guess it IS worth re-reading what I've written over the past 2 years.
Every once in a while, I say something kinda smart.
If I were to judge myself by reading this blog, I'd say I have most of this figured out.

I'd also notice that having "this" figured out is only part of the solution. After figuring it out one must take action in order to create real change.

Ok, we get excited.
We take action.
We get results!

Then there's the slippage.
Slipping back into old patterns is likely.
We're human.
It's bound to happen.

Slippage is probable, uncomfortable,
but fixable.

It's fixable kinda like dozing off at the wheel on a very long drive.
You hit the rumble strip, give a YELP then yank the car back into the lane, shake yourself awake and pull over somewhere to refuel on coffee, fresh air, a nap, or whatever works to wake you up.

That's why we have rumble strips.
Slippage is expected so we make arrangements to handle it.
Slippage does not have to be that big a deal.

Perfectionism keeps us from forgiving or even expecting slippage.
According to coping.org:

Perfectionism is a
"rigid, moralistic outlook that does not allow for human,
imperfect, or less than ideal behavior
in the pursuit of recovery"
that makes us think that
"it is unacceptable
to make a mistake in recovery".

From reading my own blog and plenty of others I've noticed a pattern.
Following drastic weight loss folks almost always have a bounce-back of weight gain.
Along with the gained weight comes all kinds of guilt, remorse, self blame, perfectionistic getting-back-on-track and sometimes defeat (defeat in the form of failing to blog ever again, failing to pursue healthy habits, gaining all the weight back, etc.)

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we viewed slippage as normal?
I bet it would cause a lot less damage.

I need to see my bariatric surgeon for a follow up visit.
I'm long overdue.
I last saw them back in July.
I almost talked myself out of making an appointment now
because I know I haven't lost any weight since then and may have actually gained a few.
The one place a need to go,
should go,
can go (they don't even charge me) to get help and I almost let my perfectionistic standards keep me from making an appointment.

How foolish it would be to suffer this alone.
Help is out there.
I don't have to be ashamed.

So many blogs that started at the same time as mine are now defunct.
Is it because the bloggers feel that we only want to read a picture-perfect,
linear story of how the weight came off and wow, how life has changed??

I WANT to hear about the slippage!
I need to hear about other people's backsliding.
We read that about one another and feel NORMAL!
It's so much more productive to admit that one is fallible because it's real, relatable and fixable!

Thursday, I'm starting my food diary.
I will keep it up for at least a week...or did my surgeon's assistant ask me to do it for 2 weeks?
Well, I'll let you know.

I'm not perfect
and it's no big deal.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...it IS possible to make that choice..."
Sometimes we're just stuck in a screaming-baby environment.
We can make the best of it.
This is a great little segment from Dr. Robert Lefever from PROMIS Recovery Centre
in the UK on how to deal with uncomfortable feelings.
click here or click below

advice is a vice

"That's the karmic test, isn't it?
Accepting, loving
and honoring
myself exactly where I'm at...
Would I spend
the rest of my days beating myself up
for not looking a certain way?
What a terrible waste of energy that would be.
What an unfortunate waste of my talents,
to keep them hidden
because I don't look red carpet thin..."
- me last year

"Becoming a strong,
fit person is not just about eating right
and exercising.
It's about building up
my soul."
- me 2 years ago

"Social support systems can help
you overcome perfectionism
in recovery if you:
Select people
who are more realistic
than perfectionistic
in their own lives
of recovery."
- coping.org

Pick and choose.
Pick and choose.

For me there has never been one system that works completely for me.
Hmmm.
Maybe "system" isn't the best word.
Maybe "ideas put together by someone else that are supposed to be good for me"
is a better way to say it.
Advice?
That's a good word.

Advice.
I like to run it through a filter before I swallow it.
Get the impurities out.
Use some healthy skepticism to decide if I should swallow it whole or chew first, spitting out the pits along the way.

It's healthy to say "NO thank you".
Or even "Thank you. I'll consider that" rather than the usual self deprecating,
"Yeah, you're right"
or
"I know I should,
I'm trying, but..."
or whatever we say when we roll over and die because
someone offered miss-the-mark advice
or scolded us
or both.

"You know what you should do?"
can be a dangerous question that leads to us getting bullied.

It's usually followed by some poorly thought out
"buck up"
or
"get your act together"
non-solution that makes us feel like inadequate pieces of crap.

I was in an eating disorder support group once.
We had a visitor, a grad student in nutrition who wanted to observe our process.
She gave us advice.
I'll never forget it.

After sitting through our meeting in judgmental silence with a sneer on her face like she was watching us tweeze the intestines out of dyspeptic herring
she offered us this gem:
"You know what you ladies should do?
You should take up knitting!"

Wow.
Take up knitting.
I think I'll call Renfrew and Princeton and tell them their eating disorder recovery programs can be streamlined down to her magnificently ignorant approach: do something with your hands and get over yourselves!

It's possible that the dummy offering the bad advice didn't really think it through and maybe, didn't mean to insult us so badly.

But we get so re-activated by their careless words.
We feel so emotionally harpooned we tend to take it silently, as if we deserve to be spoken to that way. We take it in and hurt ourselves with it.

Not good.

I think it's best to be prepared in advance for these horrifying little jabs.

We can buy ourselves time and give them a chance to rethink their rude remarks by repeating back to them what they've said...

"I'm sorry, I thought you just said,
'You ladies really need to take up knitting'
and I'm not sure that's what you meant to say."

or
buy some time by saying,
"I'll have to really think
about that some more ."

What did we actually say when she told us to take up knitting?
I'm trying to remember.
I don't think she hung around long enough for us to come up with a response.
She gathered her things, smirked at us dismissively and left.

What an appropriate metaphor for how the medical profession tends to treat overweight people or people with eating disorders in general.
They treat us fat folks like we're lazy, self-indulgent and stubborn.
They treat anorectics like they're selfish and spoiled, as if they're pulling the equivalent of a tantrum by not eating.

George Carlin kinda summed up that attitude in his stand-up rant about anorexia.

"Some rich c*nt
doesn't want to eat?
F**k her."

As funny as he is, and as many times as he's made me laugh, I never looked at him the same way again after he made that non-joke. I thought he lacked compassion. Maybe he did lack compassion. It's not his job to be compassionate. It was his job to be scathingly funny and to make critical observations about our sick society.

Our job is to take or leave what we hear,
to filter what we can or can't use,
to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Or laugh.
Or walk away.
Or respond by saying, "I'm really troubled by that idea. Let me get back to you on it."

What we mustn't do is stay silent and pretend it doesn't matter.
Cuz when it DOES matter, and we've stayed quiet, we can pretty much guarantee we'll be suffering our symptoms, our addictive behavior, in order to cope with our unexpressed emotions.

We shouldn't slowly kill ourselves
because other people don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Pop singer-songwriter Mika, a victim of bullying, stopped talking and was taken out of school for six months when he was a kid!
He found a way to communicate through his music.
Now he's a star :-)
Here's his anthem to BIG girls.
It's catchy!
You'll be singing it all day!!
Thanks to Marni for sending this one :-)
click here or click below

chunk it down

"Every time I look in the mirror
and want to change
I can feel assured that I am doing something
to make that change happen.
Now you're talkin'.
I like that.
I LOVE that.
I like feeling reassured
that I'm moving in the right direction.
Small,
consistent efforts
adding to my enjoyment of life.
Small,
consistent efforts
making my life
that much
easier."
- my blog one year ago (click here)


"I'm looking forward
to working out 6 days a week
because it just might tire me out
and it will definitely
be killing 2 hours a day.
Less time to get into trouble.
Less time to obsess.
Less time for the devil
to play in the idle hands
of my playground."
- my blog 2 years ago (click here)

How funny.
The first year of blogging, 2006, I spent 2 hours a day at the gym because I had so much extra energy (?).
The next year I was doing my grouch walks for 20 minutes a day.
This year I'm talking about 5 minutes a day!

I am definitely not worried about having TOO MUCH energy as I was in 2006.
My energy level is poor now....well, let me be careful how I put that out into the universe.
Let's say, my energy level could be higher.
That speaks to possibility.

To say "my energy level is poor" is an affirmation. It's an anchor of how I view reality. The boat ain't sailing past the lengths of its anchor! We need to be careful of what we say. Our minds don't know the difference between truth, fact and fantasy. Our minds only know what we say!

I AM definitely on board for daily, consistent efforts,
as I talked about in 2007.

As you can see, it's working already.
My "5 Minutes in 2009" approach is in action!

I've written before about how the all-or-nothing perfectionistic approach fails me most of the time. For instance, my laundry.

For the past week or so I've been wearing summer shorts as underwear.
Why?
No clean underwear.
And it's not like I only own a dozen pairs or so.
I own about 100 pairs of gotch!!

I think the last time I went to the laundromat was way before Thanksgiving.
Way before.
Like Halloween-ish maybe.

As the pile of laundry grew, so did the pressure in my mind to have to DO IT ALL in one shot!
Daunting, the task remained un-done.

Enter my new 5 minutes a day approach and I have 2 dozen clean pairs of undies today.
Why?
Last night I went to the laundromat.
I did one load of underpants and the bedding from my bed (including one of my pillows that I left at the laundromat in the dryer! Better go get that in a little while).

It hurt to do some but not all of my dirty laundry.
It hurt to bring just a few loads of laundry to the laundromat when I have about 15 loads that need to be done.
But I defied my perfectionistic tendencies and just did a few loads.

And guess what?
The world didn't end!
The world is still spinning!

I've been wanting to reread my past blog posts, knowing I could stand to learn from my past mistakes and successes.
Rather than put myself under the pressure of having to read over 2 years worth of blog posts (!) I'm just going to read two posts per day....as you can see from my quotes (above).

Somewhere in my past blog posts I wrote about chunking-down huge tasks into small, do-able units.
I was onto something.

It's ok to do a little at a time.
It's ok to dust one section of the living room and not have to feel pressured to dust the whole room.
It's ok to read for 5 minutes at a time rather than have to finish a whole book in one sitting.
It's ok to stretch and breathe deeply for 5 minutes and not feel pressured to grind on the treadmill till my knee swells.

Avoiding perfectionism is essential to healthy recovery.

I encourage you to find folks who can support you in your small, concrete, do-able successes.
I hope you can be strong when well-meaning folks try to moralistically wag their finger at you in an effort to get you 'back on track' (a phrase that I loathe!)

Train your inner voice, that nagging self talker to be NICE to you! Train your inner voice to recognize and reinforce you for any positive change you make in your life, no matter how slight it might seem to others (or to you).

5 minutes a day.
Good enough.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...I do whatever I want whenever the hell I want..."
That's Susan!
She's not giving "Master" classes. She's giving "Mistress" classes!
Love it!
No matter what fitness level you're at.
Burn as much fat as you want.
A little or a lot.
1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes...20? 30? 5?
Show up and modify.
click here or click below

Bucket List

Top: Mah Pet, Bosie Zeek, on top of the TV!

Bottom: Lil' Hurley Puff is as big as Bosie! I wanted to do a size comparison shot
but when I snapped my fingers to get them to look at the camera, Hurley came running over!

"You measure yourself
by the people
who measure themselves
by you."

- from The Bucket List

I ate cake last night.
My lady friend came over for a night of Scrabble. For snacks, I prepared my famous tamari almonds in the cast iron pan and I baked a fat free chocolate cake (and served it warm!)
Part of me wants to beat myself up and call myself a failure.
Part of me knows that legalizing food is essential to overcoming overeating.
Part of me wants to curl up in the fetal position and forget about life for awhile (like till June).

We ate our nuts and cake.
We played our games and watched 'The Bucket List' with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.
Thumbs up to the movie!
It was full of memorable moments and memorable quotes such as :

"I know that when he died,
his eyes were closed
and his heart was open,
and I'm pretty sure he was happy
with his final resting place
because he was buried on the mountain,
and that was
against the law."

The two main characters were dying of cancer.
They knew they only had a few months to live.
They did crazy things like skydive, see the pyramids, visit the Taj Mahal

...here.

Rather than try to jog my memory,
let me cut and paste their actual list from the movie...

1. Witness something truly majestic
2. Help a complete stranger for a common good
3. Laugh till I cry
4. Drive a Shelby Mustang
5. Kiss the most beautiful girl in the world
6. Get a tattoo
7. Skydiving
8. Visit Stonehenge
9. Spend a week at Louvre
10. See Rome!
11. Dinner @ La Cherie D'or
12. See the pyramids
13. Get back in touch (previously "Hunt the big cat")
14. Visit Taj Mahal,India
15. Hong Kong
16. Victoria Falls
17. Serengeti
18. Ride the Great Wall of China

That's what I need.
I need a bucket list, my own list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket.
Maybe that will help me to appreciate the life I have and the uncertain time I have left.

As they said in another memorable quote from the film:

Carter Chambers: Forty-five years goes by pretty fast.
Edward Cole: Like smoke through a keyhole.

The first 44 years of my life DID NOT go by fast.
They lumbered along like a bear wearing a backpack full of anvils.

I don 't want another 44 years of that kind of life, which scares me.
I look around at folks.
They are soul sick.
The unresolved hurts of their lives manifest as diseases, crippling ailments, early death.

I know how dangerous it is to live an un-loved life.
And when I say "un-loved" life I don't mean a life in which no one loves you (which I'm sure is hellish) I mean unloved in the sense that one does not love life itself.

The deepest wishes of our hearts come true.
If our hearts are irreperably broken, then what's left in life but to do whatever it takes to numb the brokenness with addictive behaviors that slowly kill us?

That's why I love (and defend) preachers like Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer.
Theologically I have issues with them, but so what?

Spiritually, I see the good they're doing for people. I see that their message contains a contagious germ of hope. They provide a hopefulness that people so desperately need.

I forget sometimes that other people suffer from the same dark clouds of depression that I suffer with. I forget that I'm not alone in this cellular-level bleakness.

We're all struggling with something.
We're all working through our karmas.

Hopefully we can help each other along the way...with hope.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Have you found joy in your life?
Has you life brought joy to others?"
Two very good questions.
Enjoy this clip from The Bucket List!
click here or click below

5 minutes in 2009!

At Zop's for Christmas! (my dad's sister)

Me and my dad with mother
in the background.

My cousin Jimmy (award winning football coach),
second cousin Nicholas and me.
I didn't crop this one
because pictures capture moments in time.
We take for granted
that Zop's kitchen
will look like this forever...
with her in it.
We shouldn't.

Cousin Maria (Reiki practitioner and blogger)

and second cousin Ashley with me in front
of the Pomponio tree!

I don't want to make a list of what I NEED to do.
I want to make a list of what I WILL do.

Yeah, it's time for some New Year's resolutions.

This year could be mediocre or it can be great.
I could let the anchor of depression pull me down into complacency and just do the bare minimum to get by
or I could step up and live a life of victory.

One thing I need to do, would like to do, WILL do is read my own blog.

It is ever so rarely that I'll go back and read my own stuff.
I KNOW I've made some important observations on my life that can be helpful to me now.
I KNOW looking back I can see how I felt when I was more buoyant.
I can also see exactly HOW I overcame bouts of depression in the past.

I will do this to help myself.

Why?
Cuz I don't like feeling this way.
I don't like living this way.
I'm unhappy with my habits.

So, as a way to help myself, I will reread my own blog.

When?
As soon as I'm done posting this entry.

BUT and everyone loves a big BUTT...
I'll only read for five minutes.

5 magic minutes.
That's my formula for 2009.
5 minutes.

Every day I will do several things.
I haven't carved the list in stone as yet, but the list will include things like
- exercise
- clean
- read
- write the book that's halfway done
- creatively visualize
- prepare for class
- pray/meditate
- answer emails, comments, etc
- promote my blog
- tackle a house project
- keep a food diary

....to be continued

I believe the magic of doing certain things on a daily basis can help me change my life.
I'll have a little checklist, like the one above.
It will have specifics under each heading so that I don't have to think about it.
I'll just look at the list and go DO what it says.

Kinda like measure twice, cut once.

And it will be beautifully DO-able.

5 minutes!

Five minutes is so not-intimidating.
It's satisfying to know, in advance, that I can do something for 5 minutes and feel a great sense of accomplishment. I swear, just coming up with this plan makes me feel better already.

Keeping those 5 minute commitments will help me to get my life in order
and maybe even rekindle some inspiration.

AND I'll keep track of what I do here on the blog.
I hope you don't find it too boring to read about my little 5 minute life saving acts.
Writing it here will keep me accountable :-)

"They" say the unexamined life is not worth living.
Well, I sure have examined my life!

Next thing that "they" should say?
The uninspired life is not worth living!

Amen to that!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
There are so many Scrubs moments that help to fan my inner flames.
This is one of them.
Whoo!
I just got chills from it!!
Here's my favorite cover of 'Over the Rainbow'.
Enjoy!
click here or click below

Loving Life IS the cure!

My Sebastian with the month
of November on the calendar
my brother made for 2009~

The month of September on the calendar
my brother made with
pics of our mother
now and from about 60 years ago!

"You never find yourself
until you face the truth."
- Pearl Bailey

Above: Little Kate the kitten with her namesake from LOST!

Below: Little Sawyer with the Gato Negro box.

I cried this morning at my parents' breakfast table.
Burst into tears, into sobs, is more like it.
My brother made beautiful photo calendars for our mother and me. Each month had different members of the family. September had pics of her. November had pics of me.
The pics of me were before and after.

Now, I've seen those pics a million times.
But I'm always safely sitting here in front of my computer, reflecting, writing, dealing with the emotions as they come up.
To suddenly see those pics while sitting with my parents was a different story.
My father came over to me and hugged me as I wept.
I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over.
They must have thought I meant I was sorry for crying.

What I was really saying was how sorry I was for ever getting up to an immobile 400 pounds.

I'd like to say that I'll never go back, but there's no guarantee.
With the lack of exercise and lots of carby eating of late I feel like I've gained a few.
I can tell by the way things fit.
I can see it in the pictures.

Above: December 08

Below: July 08

The danger of gaining weight is very real.

Hey, I'll do whatever it takes to keep it off.
If it means I have to force myself to get off my ass and work out, I will.
If it means cutting way, way back on carbs, I will.

I don't want to be immobile ever again.

It's one thing to resist the idea of fitting into some societally imposed body ideal by staying a little heavy. It's quite another thing to become super morbidly obese because I'm too stubborn to fight an over-eating addiction.

So, fight I will!

It feels like such a stupid fight.
The whole idea of losing weight is so cliche.
It seems so self involved but not in a character building way.
I'm finding it less and less interesting.

I'm FAR more interested in what it takes to fight (and win over) depression,
to fan the fires of passion for life,
to do what it takes to make a life worth living,
that's worth getting up in the morning for,
a life that's inspired and inspiring.

I think that's at the heart of recovering from addiction.
Loving life is the cure.

Addictive behavior is our way to avoid the meaninglessness of life,
to postpone the pain of emotional hurt,
to slowly kill ourselves without looking like we're truly suicidal.

I know how dead I feel sometimes, especially when the forbidden foods no longer glitter, when over eating fails to satisfy or deaden me sufficiently.
The bleakness of life, the darkness of depression make me want to hide out from the stark light of living.

That's why morbidly obese people (and addicts in general) seem so stubborn about remaining addicted. The alternative to addiction is life. If life is dreadful, meaningless, scary, painful, bland, boring, and a deeply unpleasant effort for us, then addictive behavior offers a more bearable alternative.

That's why many of us die of drug overdose or complications to super obesity.
We wanted to kind of die.
We couldn't handle life so we allow ourselves to die slowly from dis-ease.

I don't want to die.
And even if I don't feel inspired to live, I have faith that I CAN be inspired.

That's all that's left.
Hope.
Faith.
and fortitude.

Those are pretty good ideals to live for, dontcha think?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Enjoy your life...enjoy your self"
That's what Joyce Meyer opens with in this video clip.
Normal and ordinary CAN be extraordinary?
Hmmmm.
Let me think on that.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Cool Yule!!
click here or click below

Good tidings....I hope

"If you are going to
reap good things,
you have to sow good seeds first!
That is a principle that
God
has
established!"
- Joel Osteen

"If we say it long enough

eventually we're going to
reap a harvest.
We're going to get exactly
what
we're
saying."
- Joel Osteen

I say to you that whatever you are seeking is seeking you back.
It wants to be found. Take a few steps and what you are seeking makes a few leaps toward you.

That is how the universe works.

I need to think better thoughts and seek better things.

I've been catching myself thinking defeated thoughts A LOT lately.
Thinking how dead I am inside, how sad I am, how disinterested I am in my own life.
Wishing I was looking forward to tomorrow, the next day, the next week, the coming semester.
Instead I want to crawl into bed and stay there.

The sadness is a meta-sadness.
I can be happy in little fits and burst throughout the day but it's not deeply abiding.
I just wish I could feel something more than
deadness
or
sorrow
or
dread
deep inside me.

I'm not sure if it's the meds keeping me in a emotionally zombied state.
If I skip a few days of meds I end up sobbing till my head aches.

I've been forcing myself to go out and interact with other people.
I've been fighting the urge to hide out alone in my cozy, cat filled apartment.

Lately I've been having fantasies about hitting the lottery so I never have to leave my house again. I could have all my food delivered and pay someone to take out my garbage. I could atrophy, body and soul, and I'd be safe, unchallenged and anxiety free.

They say the best way to overcome depression is to focus on helping other people.
I try. But I count the minutes till I can be alone again, at home with my Scrabble and TV.

Why do I bother staying alive?
I'll tell you why.

This
too
shall
pass.

I believe this deep-down misery of the soul is temporary.
It's a wave I can ride till it crashes and dissolves on the shore.
Then renewal comes.

Would I bet my life on it?
No.
But I do have faith.

I believe.
Help my unbelief.

On this, the holiest night of the year, be well, be blessed, be thankful, be faithful.
Things will get better.
Believe it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I like the way Charlie Brown experiences joy.
At first it is the message from Luke that Linus recites on stage.
But it's not enough. Charlie Brown can't be happy till he experiences love from the community.
Then they all lift their little Peanut faces and sing praises up to heaven TOGETHER.
There's something to be said for the salvific nature of togetherness.
Merry Christmas.
click here or click below

Wisdom tooth be gone!

I just had a wisdom tooth pulled.
There's gauze wadded up in the hole in my mouth.
It doesn't really hurt all that much.

I went right from the dentist's office to the stores to shop for my parents' Christmas presents.

No big deal.

What IS a big deal?
The fact that I can't eat.
Well, I can, but it's not recommended.
Better to wait a while.

It's interesting to observe my impulse to reach for food. I want to eat.
Every time I'm about to get up and grab something to eat, I have to remind myself that I have a mouth full of gauze and I'll have to wait.

Then my mind starts complaining!

But I'm uncomfortable and food is my comforting drug of choice!
No, I answer myself.
I'll have to wait.

This is the same (almost) as first having the weight loss surgery. I would want to eat but couldn't. I would want to reach for something but eating it would have made me sick.

Over and over the sequence repeated just as it is today:

Hungry, want food.
No, can't eat.

Hungry, need food.
No, can't eat.

Feed me, need food!
No, can't eat.

But, but, but...
Nope.
Have to wait till later.

One would think that after saying 'No' enough times the impulse would fade.
Nope.

So, if you're getting the gastric bypass cuz you think that you'll never again have the desire to overeat, think again.
You will eventually be healed enough to eat fairly normally.
Then what?

You better have a Plan B.

Changing your eating habits so you'll prefer better, fresher foods is helpful.
Even if every once in a while one needs some comfort cakes, the desire for better foods can dominate.

Those bagels from yesterday?
I still haven't touched them.

Imagine that!

I'm woozy now from the dentist and shopping. I'm going to lie down.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
While I was in the dentist's chair, that show The Drs was on.
One of the docs was talking about food and its relationship to aging/vitality.
He says low calorie diets deplete you.
He stressed the quality of food, especially fresh vegetables that keep us young and vibrant!
Makes sense, right?
Vibrant food leads to vibrant life!
I couldn't find the exact clip but this one works just as well.
click here or click below

To be inspired...

“Motivation is simple.
You eliminate those
who are not
motivated.”
- Lou Holtz

To be inspired...get inspired.

If you need to be inspired, go out, listen to something or someone.
Keep doing it till you feel better. Inspiration has to be gotten sometimes. We can't always dredge it up from within.

Listen to live music.
Go see a play.
Listen to a lecture.
Go to a religious service.
Watch a Christmas play at a local school or church.
Go to your local high school and hear their band or choir.
See a dance recital.
Attend a workshop.
It doesn't have to cost a lot.
Sometimes, inspiration can be gotten for free.

If it doesn't work the first time...
Keep going.

It may take a bunch o' times before you really get that energy you're looking for, but it will come.
Just the act of getting washed up, doing your hair, putting on jewelry/makeup and getting out into the world can be rejuvenating.

Slowly, I'm coming out of the abyss of depression.
It's a fight.

I'm forcing myself to go out.
Even if I don't feel chipper or sociable, I act it.
Feelings follow actions.
I usually come home feeling a bit better.
Fake it till you make it. Isn't that what they say?

Feelings are transient.
We're not stuck with them.
We're not stuck reacting to them.

Right now I feel kinda bloated, miserable and tired.
My first instinct is to reach for the bagels and fat free cream cheese.
Yes, yes, yes, a delightfully low fat snack, but not the best choice for me.
My sluggishness puts me in the position of not burning all the carbs I take in,
which leads to weight gain, which makes me feel bloated, miserable and tired.

If I was REALLY hungry, I'd get a slice of smoked turkey from the fridge, or make a nice batch of tamari almonds. But I'm not hungry.

I'm tired. The food won't fix that. A nap will.

So, instead of the bagels, I'm going to take a nap.
I deserve it.
Today I shopped for, carried and lugged TEN jugs of cat litter for my mom (she runs a feline boarding kennel at age 85, that's why I'm always doing cat litter runs).

I bought my father's Christmas wine.
Lots of big heavy stuff to load and unload.
Right now I'm tired, not uninspired.

Maybe later, if I'm truly hungry, I'll have a bagel with fat free cream cheese but more likely, some turkey. It's good that I'm sleeping when I'm tired rather than try to cure every uncomfortable feeling with food.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It's not Christmas till I cry watching a Rankin Bass Christmas special!
This scene gets me every time.
No town would welcome them so they get married out in the woods.
Notice the little crosses on the trees. They made their own little chapel.
Then the Winter Warlock prays and I really ball my eyes out.
Just a little magic, please. And the trees light up on the holiest night of the year.
Enjoy the first minute of this video.
I'm snotting and crying over here. Let me blow my nose!
click here or click below

Legalizing Food Works!

"Punishment/reward.
These are the compulsive eaters nightmares,
a long-time pattern of
recrimination
and guilt
that ultimately leads to
more overeating
and more
weight-gain."
- On Overcoming Overeating

Legalizing all foods leads to your being able to make a true choice whether to eat certain foods or not.
Hirschmann and Munter recommend taking the stigma off of our "glitter foods", those foods we've always regarded as "bad" or as "binge triggers". Deprivation makes us want them more.

They believe that deprivation leads to binge-ing, that the more forbidden we make certain foods, the more we'll want them.

I concur.

I woke up this morning to a coffee table full of home baked sweet treats. I had three kinds of homemade cakes, a piece of blueberry pie, pretzels and other carby snacks left over from my weekend company. I had been allowing myself to indulge, at will, on anything I felt like eating.
But this morning, I didn't want any.

It was not an act of willpower.
It was not some phony goal-focused self-talk that led me to go straight to the kitchen to make coffee with soy milk.

I passed up the cakes because I did not want them.
I just don't feel like eating the sweets right now.
It's a real "nah, that's cool...no thanks" kinda attitude.
No pressure.
No big deal.
The food no longer glitters with that aura of forbidden-ness.

If I want it, I can have it.
But I don't, so I won't.

I used to be the one who said, "I know how I am. I just can't keep that stuff in the house!"
I thought that not having those foods in the house was a way to avoid temptation
and Oh-How-Smart I was to avoid having sweet things in the house.

That was my old addict-thinking. That have-one-drink-and-it-will-lead-to-a-binge mentality.
Having sweet things in the house always filled me with anxiety. I would want the stuff so badly. I'd want to gobble it all up. It was as if the cake was calling me, taunting me, defying me to devour it.

I broke the cycle of wanting by allowing myself to have anything I wanted, as much as I wanted, whenever I wanted it.

My Mom sent me into the store with her wallet yesterday to get her some oranges.
I grabbed myself a bag of raw almonds (expensive!). Why?
Cuz that's what I REALLY feel like having.

What else did I buy yesterday?
A pound of thin sliced smoked turkey.
A half pound of maple turkey.
Fat free cream cheese
and some oat bran bagels.

I just had a few nibbles of the turkey.
The bagels?
I'm not in the mood for them.
If they go stale before I can eat them, the birds can have a feast.

I can take them or leave them.
For real.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...how can you take in a calorie deficit and build muscle?"
Low calorie diets work IN THE SHORT TERM ONLY!
Sure, you might drop weight, but you always seem to gain it back.
Why?
We need to eat MORE not LESS!
More lean protein, vegetables, fruit, some whole grains is the key
to better health in general. It's not just about losing weight. It's about providing
our bodies with muscle building fuel.
Diets do not work in the long term. I know it. You know it and Jason from Sydney
knows it!
click here or click below

eating crap

"...when you say
'eat less'
that suggests eating less in quantity
(i.e weight of food rather than looking at
the quality,calories and fat of the food).
It is quite possible for people
to be overweight
eating very little in volume
(I know I've done it)
but the food they are eating is low quality,
and high in fat....
I think it's a case of eating less fat,
less sugar
and eating
better quality ...
which is just ever so slightly
more complicated than 'eat less' ...
leaving out that little extra information
keeps a lot of us
fat
and unmotivated
to change."
- a member of Susan Powter's Online Community

2008- They DO look like jeans!
But no.
They're stretch pants.

2002 - Me and fellow seminarian,
Sigridur with our professor's Porsche.

2007 - Getting there.

Today's video tries to get a laugh by oversimplifying weight loss.
Eat less?
Eat less OF WHAT??

Tis the season for lots and lots of eating.
Mostly fatty, sugary carbs.
Or in my case, fat-free sugary carbs.

I've been needing my comfort foods lately.
Needing and eating.
Lots of white flour, white sugar and carby stuff.
It's cheap.
You can get plenty of cheap, white, refined, processed foods for $5 at the Dollar Store.

$5 at the Stop and Shop?
Won't even buy me a container of raw almonds.

And I do miss my almonds.
They truly are my favorite salty snack.

Sourdough pretzels are great, but they make me feel kinda woozy (blood sugar spike maybe?)
Air popped popcorn is great, but corn is an allergen and I immediately start to itch when I'm eating it.
Homemade cakes and cookies (from a mix, made non-fat style) are tasty and comforting but eating them leaves me with that kinda edgy feeling.

Refined, processed foods change our body chemistry. I can feel it.
I feel it right this second.
I woke up sooo hungry. Why? Because I ate processed white flour and sugar last night before bed.

When I eat nuts, sugar free jello, sugar free icepops and yogurt at night, I wake up with a take it or leave it attitude toward food. I have less of an appetite.

When I eat lots of sugar and flour I crave more sugar and flour.
No wonder folks have such a hard time changing their diets!

When I avoid sugar and flour, I feel more clear headed, less foggy.
When I keep my diet to proteins, veggies, some whole grains, etc. I don't crave the sweet stuff.

There is a necessary detox period to ensure that we don't crave the crap!
It has to get out of our systems, out of our bloodstreams, out of our intestines!

Once it's out, we are more likely to stay away from crap foods.
Eating crap foods leads to eating more crap foods.
Trust me on that one, or better yet, let your own experience tell you what's what.

Right now, I'm in a crap-foods phase.
I'm not too panicked about it.

Next month, everything changes.
I'm teaching part time at 3 (possibly 4) colleges.
It will be like working full time. I'll be busy, active AND I'll have money!!!

Once a more decent salary starts hitting my bank account, I'll be able to get back to the eating well routine. I'll probably have to go through a week or two of twitchy detox symptoms, maybe some headaches, but having done this before, I know the clean, clear-headed feeling I'll get when I get off the sugar and flour and get back to cleaner eating.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying my cheap-ass comfort foods.
And I'm telling myself it's no big deal.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Part of me thinks it IS as simple as this video makes it out to be.
Part of me knows that breaking the cycle of addiction is more complicated.
Losing weight is easy. Making a lifestyle change?
Maybe a bit more involved.
Oh, and for the record, I don't think this bit is all that funny.
click here or click below

SnowBody

"To be interested in the changing seasons
is a happier state of mind than to be
hopelessly in love with spring."
~George Santayana

We're in the middle of a blizzard here in NJ.
Of course that didn't stop me and my mother from driving out into the mess for our lunch and shopping adventure.

The roads were slippery and crowded.
Freezing sleet and snow was whacking me in the face every time I stepped out of the car.
I couldn't push the shopping cart through the parking lot because the snow was so deep.

It was heavy shopping, too. Heavy meaning I had to pick up 7 giant jugs of scoop cat litter, load and unload them, deal with groceries, shlog through snow banks, work work work!

So, what's all this talk about me not changing (yesterday)?
Cuz up until recently I would not have been strong enough to do any of what I did today in the storm.
Up until a couple of short years ago, I was pretty much a morbidly obese invalid.

Now I'm caring for an elderly mother, schlepping and shlogging, lifting and working, and I'm not in any great pain right now.
Physical work like that hurts much less than exercise.
I don't know if it's because I use my body differently for chores or if it's a mental thing...or both...but I feel pretty darned good right now.

The house is stocked with low fat snacks, egg beaters, wheat bread, air pop popcorn and all kinds of goodies.
My girlfriend Marni is visiting from Virginia.
We're all snuggled in for a nice weekend of lounging around
and because I did all the mother-chore work already today,
I feel like I've earned it!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Pain, joy, happiness, energy...yeah, lots of it is biochemical but the mind rules
our attitudes AND our biochemical bodies.
I'm convinced.
Enjoy this short clip from BeyondTheQuote!
click here or click below

did I stay the same?

“Self-acceptance comes from
meeting life's challenges vigorously.
Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties,
nor build mental walls
to exclude pain from your life.
You will find peace
not by trying to escape your problems,
but by confronting them courageously.
You will find peace not in denial,
but in victory.”
- J. Donald Walters

Above: Christmas '07 Newman Christmas party

Below: Christmas '08 Newman Christmas party

"If you are not actively
going after your dreams,
then you are not living,
you are just existing."
- Joel Osteen

I waste so much time and energy being uncomfortable in my own skin,
wishing I looked different,
judging myself to be unacceptable,
and blogging about it.

No, no, no, I'm not saying blogging is a waste of time!
Not at all.

Blogging about all this has helped me to expunge,
to purge,
to get the negative , heavy feelings out of me before
they try to pull me into the abyss of depression
or the mania of compulsion (mostly the compulsion to over eat).

When I look at the pictures (above) of me this year and last year
I SEE that I haven't changed much.
Let me clarify that.
I haven't changed much physically.
Weight-wise, I've stayed pretty much the same.

That's a big deal.
All my life I've been on-the-gain.
From year to year I've watched myself balloon up from 137, steadily,
up to the 400 pound range.

Staying the same is a big deal.
It's progress even if it doesn't look like progress.

Yet, I'm beating myself up over it.
I'm shoulda-ing myself.
I shoulda lost weight.
I shoulda grown more of my hair back.
I shoulda had the corrective surgery by now.
I should look better.

But I didn't.
I stayed the same.
That's not a defeat.
That's a victory!
WOW!
I didn't gain.
I didn't eat myself into a diabetic death coma.
I didn't have to buy a whole new wardrobe to accommodate my increasing size.

A tiny voice inside me shouts a meek "hooray".
All the other voices inside me (what, I'm the only one with voices?)
are shouting at me for not doing enough.

The tiny voice struggles to be heard.
It tells me I'm fine, just the way I am.
If I never lose another pound I'll be ok.

It tells me that there ARE folks who appreciate
who I am,
what I do,
how I treat them,
what I fight for regardless of my not looking like Heidi Klum.

Poor tiny little voice.
Lord, help me to believe it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It doesn't have to matter what we have on the outside.
Whether it's a fat, middle-aged body or a three dollar t-shirt.
If we feel good inside, then it shows on the outside.
At least that's what Tyra says!
click here or click below

remembered to blog!

I forgot to blog today.
It happens once or twice a year. I get busy or distracted and I forget my morning blog session.

Today I played a trick on myself. I had 80 papers to grade. They were due to be handed back at 5:00pm. I figured I'd correct the papers then reward myself with blogging.

Well, I was grading right up until the last minute.
Rushed off to school.
Had a wonderful evening saying 'goodbye' to this semester's students.
Went out to Applebee's with Darren and other assorted celebrities.

Drank.
Came home after midnight.
Played a few games of Scrabble.
Stalked Jim Norton's MySpace.
Did my stalking rounds on Facebook.

Checked my blog for how many hits I got today and....
slapped my forehead.

Oops. Forgot to blog.

Ok. Let me blog right here and now.

What can I tell you about my day now that it's over??

Hmmm.
I heard from that college in Jersey City.
This spring I'll be teaching at 3 colleges.
I'll be teaching 4 courses at 3 schools.

I went from under-employed to panicked that I've taken on too much in under 10 seconds.

Part of me is afraid that I'll be exhausted. Another part of me knows that being busy creates momentum. Being busy creates its own energy. I'll rise to the occasion.

I have faith.

What else happened today?
Ah, yes, the doughnuts.
I brought pastries and doughnuts to class tonight for my students to munch on while we watched 'A Christmas Story' on the big screens.
Someone commented on my willpower for not eating any.

I explained that I would get sick if I ate any of the desserts.
Nausea trained me to resist eating sugary crap (but I still serve it so I can live vicariously off of folks who do eat sugary crap!)

Can we call it willpower if you refrain from eating to avoid being nauseated?
I'm not sure.

But for now, I'm happy that I'm eating like a human and not a garbage disposal.

Yawn.
Time for bed.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I'm too tired to look for anything too deep on YouTube.
So, just enjoy this bit from TV Funhouse
showing us where to look for our hidden Christmas presents
before Christmas morn!
click here or click below

faith walker

My Christmas Pictures for 2008!

"You can change your world
by changing your words...
Remember, death and life
are in the power of the tongue."
- Joel Osteen

"When we give into fear
and we imagine it in our mind
and we go around talking about it all the time,
we are opening up the door to the enemy.
We are opening up the door to trouble."
- Joel Osteen

Yes, I took a walk yesterday.
I was going to call it a "grouch walk" like I did last year, but instead I'm calling it a "faith walk".

I walked out in faith...literally...I put on my boots and walked.

It didn't go as well as I hoped.
My knees and ankles were really complaining at me. My joints felt like they were being crushed. The pains were so bad I had to go buy some Aleve. It felt like my bones were rubbing together. They may very well be for all I know.

The pains from too many years of being heavy plus the pain of being too heavy now made me realize why I hadn't been walking lately.

For one, it hurts. That's just the simple truth. Maybe I have arthritis. Maybe I have pre-arthritis. Whatever it is, it's a result of obesity.

Which brings me to the second problem: self-blame.
Every step I took forced me to confront my own body, my own behavior, the painful results of doing what I've done almost all my life.

But I did not walk in defeat. I walked in faith.
I have faith that I can rehabilitate this body.
I have faith that I will walk without pain.
I have faith that I can heal inside and out.

I walked in pain and hope.

I did cut the walk short because of the pain.
But, I didn't stop moving. I came home and did other physical stuff.
I climbed up on the step ladder and cleaned the big mirrors (that's a bigger deal than it sounds!)
I put up my little Christmas tree (hence this year's holiday pics).
I hung up a new mirror that had been in the too-be-hung pile since the summer.

Then I went to Newman Catholic Center at school to hear a wonderful talk called "Behold the Face of God" by a grad student from Seton Hall. He talked about our calling in life. He talked about how we shouldn't get stuck comparing ourselves to others and feeling that we fall short. He talked about how important it is to work with the talents we have, to answer the call to live more fully for self and others.

Maybe I'm not the most talented walker in the world, but I did what I could.
That's enough for now.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Another clip that makes me cry!
"Every Who down in Whoville the tall and the small
were singing without any presents at all!"
So, my body isn't perfect.
I can still rejoice in what I DO have!
I love that the dog, Max, gets the first slice of roast beast.
The part that makes me cry starts at about 4 minutes into this clip.
Enjoy!
click here or click below

Walking out in Faith

"If you want to know
what you're going to be like
5 years from now,
just listen to what you're saying.
Start speaking words of
faith
and
victory."

- Joel Osteen

It's amazing.
Words of faith and victory have such force, they actually overpower words of defeat and doubt.

I'm a living example.
You read this blog. You see how I think.
I've complained about being down, depressed, uninspired, fat, underemployed, middle aged, romantically un-involved...you get the picture.

After the recent not-getting-the-full-time-gig I wanted, folks would ask me how I was doing and I'd answer, "unemployable".

If anyone would ask me how my love-life was, I'd answer, "unlovable".

After sending out close to 100 resumes and not getting a rally response, I was feeling very woe-is-me.

Let's guesstimate that my self-talk was 90% negative.
My thoughts and words were kinda crappy and unintentional.

But 90% ain't 100%.
My inner intentions surfaced and a few positive thoughts crept in.
I'd lie in bed at night and, just for a few moments, picture a life of purpose.
I'd imagine doing fulfilling work that others appreciated.
I imagined feeling good about helping others to feel good and realize their potential.
I pictured good things.

The Secret, the law of attraction, says we need to imagine those good things and FEEL what it will feel like to have them already.
So, I did.
The moments of feeling successful were fleeting, but I had the moments.
I MADE the moments.

Good things have started to happen.

Job opportunities are opening up (I have a great interview for a part-time teaching position tomorrow!)
Socializing became appealing to me again (when you're depressed, socializing is thoroughly unappealing).
I've been able to look at (some) pictures of myself without going EWWWW!

Feeling positive when you're on-the-mope is hard work,
but it's work that pays off.

It's hard work to step out in faith.

"I realized was that my potential
is my purpose,
and my purpose is my gift to God,
but only when I move in it.
The blessings don’t come
until you MOVE. "
- Rebekah Pierce

All it takes is a little, just a little, action.
A little faithful movement.
A little intention and WHAM the universe responds.
Even if the universe only responds a little, sometimes a little somethin' somethin' is all you need to feel hopeful again. Then it builds. The hope snowballs into victory.

I've been feeling heavy lately, heavy in the "fat" sense of the word and heavy in the don't-feel-like-moving sense of the word.

Deflating is really having an affect on me.
See, the more weight I lose, the saggier I get.
The thinner I get the worse I look because of all the hanging flesh.
I've been deeply discouraged by this.

I haven't wanted to move because, God forbid I should lose any more weight.
Having wrinkly, saggy skin makes me want to cry every time I look at it.
At least if I stay fat, the flesh looks plump and closer to normal.
I've been living in defeat over my deflating body.

Without a plan to get the plastic surgery (or really a thwarted plan based on my not being employed full time) I have felt insecure about the future of my body.
I haven't felt passionate about changing it.
I didn't want to lose any more weight.

Then it occurred to me that I wasn't trusting God to take care of my future.
Stepping out in faith means I need to trust that God will make a way for me to get the corrective surgery so I can get the excess skin cut off. God wants my happiness, health and success.

Stepping out in faith means that even without an obvious solution in the present, I can still work toward my goals. Having faith means I believe that the future will bring possibilities.

I'm not entirely sure how I'll get the surgery I need, but I can have faith that I'll find a way.

Faith in myself.
Faith in a God that provides.
Faith in a universe overflowing with abundance and possibility.

I just might take a walk today!
I'll let you know tomorrow if I did :-)

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Darren always tells me that
Faith sees the invisible,
Believes the incredible
and
Receives the impossible.
I can't let my "fears, insecurities, lack of confidence" keep
me from pressing forward.
Gotta love this clip from Pastor Joel.
Lift it up, brother!
click here or click below

Waist to Hip Ratio

"A 70% waist-to-hip ratio indicates, apparently,
health and fertility in the woman,
and is the male ideal.
This holds up across different cultures,
suggesting, like the Buss (1989) sex differences in mate preferences,
that it is a universal reality...

...Singh has pointed out that even women
who look very different may have similar waist-to-hip ratios...

...For example, he says that the famous actress
Marilyn Monroe and the current skinny model Kate Moss
both have the ideal waist-to-hip ratio."

- Ryan Boren

"We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be
loved
loved
loved
loved
loved..."
- Jason Mraz

How about that statistic that says men are more attracted to women with a waist to hip ration of 70%?
Does it piss you off?
It makes me angry AND it rings true...and the ringing true pisses me off. I hate to admit it but I wouldn't want to play with a fat Barbie. This is a terrible standard of beauty ingrained in my psyche. Or is it biological based on finding mates who are most likely to produce healthy offspring?

I don't want to give in to that ridiculous standard of what a woman should look like by losing weight just so I can fit in or attract a man.
Yet, part of me knows it's biologically hardwired into us to find certain body types attractive thereby requiring us to use our MINDS to see true beauty in a person,
and part of me wants to give-in to biological destiny, fit in to society and attract men.

It's a conundrum not easily solved.
I want to be me exactly as I am but I don't want to be me like this.
So shoot me in the foot.

I was at the opera the other night to hear Tchaikovsky's "Queen of Spades". The main character, Gherman, was obsessively in love with the Countess' granddaughter, Lisa, though he had only seen her from afar and had never spoken to her. They do finally meet breifly and fall madly in love based on ONE face to face encounter. He calls her his goddess, his angel, and declares his passionate love presumably because he is captivated by h0w she looks.

Lisa's personality, character, talents, values...all the intangibles that make up a 'good' person don't seem to have anything to do with why Gherman loves her. She's a beauty. She's upper class and therfore unattaibable. He wants her.

Looks and unattainability, the magic formula.

A 70% waist to hip ratio and feigned disinterest.
That seems to be the recipe for attracting a man.
Ugh!

Of all the work I do to try to be a better person, society rewards appearance more than anything.

That sucks.

It makes me angry right down to my DNA.
So, part of me wants to be leaner, stronger and healthier (and therefore 'prettier') and part of me wants to say SCREW YOU and, rather than focus on getting thin, continue to focus on improving myself from the nose up (mind, soul, character...stuff like that) so that I can make the world a better place (according to my utopian ideals).

Do they ever sing arias to fat chicks with social conscousness?
Does the chick who can make people laugh ever get a date??

A psychic once told me that she saw me staying single but at the same time she said that I was married to God.

I cried when she told me that.
I was sad and relieved at the same time.

There's nothing like being ultimately loved and appreciated by The Ultimate.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I love Zooey DeChanel's voice.
I bought the Elf dvd a couple of years ago just for this song.
I weep ever time I watch this scene (and yes, I cried just now while watching it).
Will Ferrell's character hears her singing and sits there on the sink all love lorn.
It's so innocent.
So sweet.
He loves her, but why?
Would it disappoint him if she stepped out of the shower and she was fat??
click here or click below

Negative self-talk is Evil!

"I used to be a very selfish,
self-centered person.
I was always mad at somebody
because my life wasn't what I thought it should be...

...I began to realize
that I was unhappy
because I wasn't really reaching out to anybody else.
I was just sitting back,
wanting them to make me happy."
- Joyce Meyer

See that picture of me up above?
See the little red dots on my chest?
I made them.
I gouged at my skin with my fingernails, picking at imaginary zits.
Hey, I'm not saying I'm a cutter or severe self-mutilator, but I do have self-injuring tendencies.

So when I read stuff from people like Joyce Meyer, I'm careful about what I take in.
For instance, I edited out the following from what I quoted above.
Joyce said, "We can find joy by not being selfish and self-centered. There's such a push in our whole society today to take care of yourself, buy this for yourself, 'you deserve it.'"

She's criticizing the notion of entitlement.
I understand why. She knows, because it is a universal principle, that caring for others takes emphasis off our own troubles. I get it.

But folks like me (and maybe you if you're reading this) have a tendency to be TOO other-focused. We don't take care of ourselves enough.
We don't feel an appropriate sense of entitlement.
We probably do need to buy a little something for ourselves, even if it's just some time alone.

Many of us are the type who will happily cook for others then stand over the sink and pick the leftovers off our family's plates because we're too busy preparing, serving and cleaning to sit and enjoy a meal.

When it comes to feeding ourselves, we'll rush through a drive-thru, eat crap in our car, always putting our own needs last on our list of priorities.

Not good.

I know it's not good because I was the one who lived like that for years. My needs always came last.

When a person has limited energy, you have to prioritize. It's natural for us to put others first, especially when they depend on us. Or we channel our energy into money-making work because we need to keep that roof over our heads.

Cleaning my house,
cooking for myself,
getting proper rest,
learning to say 'no' sometimes,
all fell to the wayside when I was operating at super-low energy.

I'm better but not totally cured.
Job related work is priority now. There's a deadline for grade submission.
I have another interview this coming week (hooray!!)
Shopping has to be done.
The tree has to go up.

But because of my finite energy my laundry is piled up so high I can't open the two bureau drawers that it's piled in front of.
I've been doing the old wash the panties in the sink routine because I need to do laundry so badly.

I'm aware of what I need to do.
As I say, things have gotten better but I still have a long way to go.

I need to feel that I deserve to treat myself well.
I deserve my own care.
I deserve my own respect.

Still, I think Joyce Meyer is right most of the time.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...love your neighbor as you love yourself..."
You have to like yourself.
You have to be emotionally healthy.
You are NOT supposed to have negative feelings about yourself.
See?
Joyce Meyer wants us to feel better about ourselves.
She understands this as a commandment, a Godly principle!
She starts talking about this about 2 and a half minutes into the video.
Love yourself!!
It's evil to speak negatively about yourself!!
click here or click below

body maintenance

"An independent study
at the University of Cumbria
found that nine in every ten youngsters
want to play video games
at the same time as exercising.
The games reduce the boredom of exercise...
The children could play their games only while
they maintained movement
on the fitness machines.
If they stopped exercising,
the games paused."
- Gamercize

I think that's a great trick to get folks to exercise. Rig up our computers or our TVs so that they won't turn on unless we're riding the stationary bike or walking the treadmill.
Believe me, if I could only play Scrabble on my computer unless while exercising I'd be frikken Amy Acuff!

My mind gets plenty of exercise.
My body not so much.

It's an inconvenience to have to worry about my body.
I wish it were self sustaining but it requires so much maintenance!
Food, food, food, food, food...it's never ending.

"Even though you eat until you are full,
if you are consuming nutrient deficient food
(over-processed and/or containing high fructose corn syrup),
your body continues to say I'm hungry,
which leads to overeating and weight gain."
- How come I'm hungry all the time?

Eating well takes
money,
time,
intention,
commitment....
and it's not over once the meal is done.

There's the exercise part of body maintenance.
See my blog from yesterday for my rant about movement.

Then there's sleep.
Luckily, I have the erratic, part-time work schedule of a free lance lunatic (adjunct professor)
so I am able to nap often enough.

Then there's water.
I need to drink more water.
Resisting diet beverages isn't going so well lately.
I know they're bad for me but I LOVE THE TASTE!

But hey, I 'm not complaining, just noticing.

It's the holiday season and I'm happy about it.
I can't help singing Christmas songs wherever I hear them. Today at the restaurant where my mother and I were lunching I was absent mindedly singing with the piped in holiday tunes. I think it was Paul McCartney's "...simply having a wonderful Christmas time..."

The lady at the next table said, "Wow, somebody's happy!"

"Yes, I am!" I said back with a smile.

My smile made her smile. Then her husband who had been preoccupied with his spare ribs looked up and smiled. Then the waitress saw us smiling and she smiled. My mother was clucking away about how she's young from the neck up but old below the knees.

I just kept on singing and smiling.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...for behold I bring you tidings of great joy..."
Not stress.
Not aggravation.
Not pressure.
But JOY!
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and good will.
That's what Christmas is all about.
Click here or click below

Screaming OFF MY BODY!

“When it comes to maintaining my health
I didn’t just fall off the wagon.
I let the wagon fall on me.”
- Oprah

"I can guarantee you,

just because you don't deal with something,
that doesn't make it go away."
- Joyce Meyer

In the upcoming issue of Oprah's "O" magazine, she'll be talking about her fear of working out.
Just Google "Oprah fear working out" to see a slew of blogs telling Oprah that there's nothing to fear about exercise.

That's about as helpful as telling an arachnophobe that there's nothing to fear about spiders.

Phobias are not rational. The arachnophobe knows that the spider is tiny. It's not harmful unless it's poisonous. But the poison is not what arachnophobes are afraid of. It's the hibbly jibblies that happen just watching the shape and movement of the spider, no matter its size or poisonous-ness.

Oprah's "fear" of working out?
It's not rational.
It's emotional.

It's the size, shape and movement of her own body that probably freaks her out.

I know.
I have a similar aversion to movement.
The aversion includes many things like the fear that I'll waste, time, energy and gumption doing something I DON'T enjoy and get no noticable results.

The aversion includes the disgust I feel over my flappy, flabby, halfway to skinny body. Exercise is awful when you can hear your saggy, pizza dough belly flobbing against your upper thighs. Thwup, thwup, thwup.

The aversion includes the resentment I feel toward anyone who's ever told me how good exercise is for me when I already know how good it is for me. Hearing that from people gets lost in translation and all I can hear from them is, "Sweat off all that fat you enourmous, lazy cow!"
Exercising feels like giving in to the folks who have bullied me for-my-own-good all my life in the name of trying to motivate me.

Woops, here comes a...
Ah, I feel so much better now.

I suspect Oprah needs to offer the world a nice steaming cup of shut the f*ck up as well. I can't imagine what it's like to be the most famous woman alive and have everyone giving their opinion on how she should look, what's the best for her to eat, how she should be moving, etc.
I bet she holds on to that fat because she needs a place to store her fury at people for spouting their opinions on her most sensitive subject: her body.

You've heard the Pro-Choice activists yelling "Keep Your Laws Off My Body!"
Well, folks like me and Oprah feel like yelling, "Keep Your Opinions Off My Body!"
And because I'm not as nice as Oprah, I'll probably add a big F*CK YOU to that one, especially for anyone who tries to motivate me.

No, really.
Don't try to motivate me.
Why not?

Cuz I'm incredibly motivated already.

My not-exercising has nothing to do with motivation.
It has everything to do with anger, fury, hurt, piles of emotional baggage in the form of fat, and a desire to be LEFT ALONE when it comes to healing this area of my life.

Left alone the way an underfed, snarling stray dog might defend a scrap of meat, perhaps its only food for that day. Come too close and get your face bitten off.

That's me. My body is the last scrap of world, of Lisa-universe, of the sphere within my control. Since I'm too meek to bite off your face (though I am learning to be more assertive) I'll most likely turn my anger inward.

Anger is energy.
It needs a place to go.
It needs to be diffused.
Enter the self-destructive behavior.

So, please, don't tell me the obvious.
Believe me, I know how to open my mouth and ask for help.
If I need you, you'll be informed, loudly, unmistakenly, informed.

Maybe Oprah needs to unleash some of her anger.
Maybe a rousing session of screaming, "Shut Up! F*ck You!! Leave me Alone!!!"
is in order.

I think I'll do that next time I'm driving alone in my car.
It's a great place to scream.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It's that time of year for holiday cheer and my favorite GAP commercial ever!
Yeah, only skinny folks in this one, but I still love it.
Does GAP even carry stuff in my size? (I'm on the cusp of 18 / 20)
Meh, join the love train anyway, baby.
Let it ride!
Click here or click below

fling till you cling!

"Being positive in thinking right
is a godly principle.
Even if a person doesn't attach God's name to it,
if you operate on a godly principle,
you're still going to get good results."
- Joyce Meyer

"We can't break these laws of the spirit
and expect to be blessed.
Even people who aren't believers in God
can still operate on those principles.
Positive thinking
just helps you in general."
- Joyce Meyer

Yes, I listen to cringe comics AND evangelical Christian preachers.
So?

Truth is where you find it.
The same way I don't agree with everything I hear on my morning radio show, I don't have to agree with everything I hear from the pulpit.
Again I ask, so?

We have to put together our own truths in life.
We have to take advice, sift it through our own conscience and life experience, then take the good parts of what's left.

I just had an interview for an adjunct position at a school in Jersey City. It's about a 40 minute drive (I drive like a near-sighted great grandmother). It's farther than I really wanted to travel, but it's a tough economy. I'll take what I can get!

When my friend initially suggested that I send them a resume, I balked. But I sent the resume anyway. Why? Cuz I recognize good advice when I hear it. Even though I didn't want to travel across two rivers three times a week, I applied.

The chairperson of the department interviewed me.
He was more interested in my people skills than my resume (which worked out well for me). He cares about the students. His priority was to find a "people person" who was committed to the students' success. He found me.

I hope he calls me Monday with an offer!

Good thing I took the advice.
Even BETTER thing that I didn't give up hope.
I'd been sending out resumes for weeks with a whole lotta not much in return.

Did I feel defeated??
You bet.
I doubted my ability.
I doubted my experience.
I doubted that I even deserved to work.

But I applied anyway.
I sent
and
I sent
and
I sent.

What's the old saying?
You throw enough sh*t at the wall and some of it is bound to stick?
Or is it mud?

Mud, sh*t, whatever you want to call it,
I flung it at the wall.

I flung till it clung.

I hope I get that phone call with an offer!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...our job is to keep pressing toward it..."
Amen, sister!
click here or click below

another other Lisa

"I am not a typical woman,
anyway.
I have a hugely male,
masculine side.
I always curse.
I always like to be one of the guys.
I'm that chick you'll invite to a bachelor party,
but not to strip."

- Lisa Lampanelli

I love Lisa Lampanelli.
She's funny.
She's mean.
She looks like a big ol' kitchen witch.
And I just found out she went into an eating disorder rehab program that led to her doing Jenny Craig and losing 40 pounds.

The article states,

She spent a month in a food rehab in Arizona and,
thanks to Jenny Craig, she’s lost 40 pounds.
She’s also swearing off relationships for an entire year
and working on creating more meaningful connections.

I know that 12 Step Programs advise staying out of relationships for the first year of recovery, so I suspect she's overcoming an addiction. Carbs, binge eating, one of those.

I like that she's 47 and just recently did her first HBO special.
I like reading about women who get late starts in life.

Having entered college at age 30 I am well acquainted with what it feels like to be a late bloomer.
Now that I'm 44 and tentatively forging a career path, I'm encouraged by her success.

She says she's glad she delved into stand-up later than most comedians,

"A lot of people start when they're really young
and don't have their personality already," she said.
"They keep getting talked out of what they really want to do by people.
They take too much advice because they're young and insecure."

She just finished her first book, The World According to Lisa: The Queen of Mean’s Guide to the Universe, an autobiography. I can't wait to read it. I bet she has great stories to tell considering she studied at Syracuse and Columbia. She smart and self-directed. She claims that the secret to her success is her stubbornness.

"I was always like,
'I'm going to do it how I'm going to do it,'"
she said.
"This is my path, and that's life.
And if they don't like it, too bad."

I like that A LOT!
As a victim of too much advice, I understand how important it is to be authentic.

Being true to one's self always seems to pay off. I doubt it sometimes.
I doubt myself, my voice, my vision, but lately I'm learning to listen to ME.
Sure, I listen to other folks. People can certainly contribute to our perspectives on life.
I'm willing to consider other people's input, but in the end, I have to do what I believe is right.

Even if it turns out to LOOK like a mistake (cuz mistakes are opportunities to learn),
I'll regret it less if it's MY mistake.
I do learn from my mistakes.
If I have to look down, shuffle my feet and listen to people saying, "I told you so!"
that's fine.
But I won't regret following my gut.

At the end of the day it's MY head that hits the pillow.
It's MY conscience that I have to live with.

I'll take a cue from the Queen of Mean herself when she says,
"I have these weird, emotional decisions I used to make...then somehow, thank God, I decided to do comedy, and that's the one thing that really hit right in my heart."

Yeah, I get it Lisa, I get it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Stupid Gene Simmons needs to shut-up while he's being roasted.
Oh, look!
My Jimmy Norton is on the dais!!
Lisa makes a good joke at his expense.
She says she takes about a month to write her roast material.
She's funny.
She's mean.
She's my big ol' kitchen witch!
click here or click below

walk the squawk!

My knee ached a bit but overall I had a ball!
Here we are in front of the Lord & Taylor
window display in Manhattan.

"Keep walking the walk
one step at a time."
- Joyce Meyer

I remembered to move my knee.
Remembering isn't what helped.
Moving my knee helped.

See, I know what I have to do.
Knowing,
remembering
is not enough.
Action has to follow or else,
what good is remembering?

We stood there together in front of the little church on 91st street for the carol sing and the lighting of the trees on Park Ave.
I was worried about my knee.

The other day on my blog I talked about how standing still for 30 minutes during a fire drill (it was actually a real fire) rendered my left leg nearly useless. It had stiffened up so badly, I had to elevate it for about 20 minutes to get it working again.

Looking forward to the yearly carol sing on Park Ave in NYC, I hoped my knee would hold up.
I know I can handle walking, pacing, teaching, lecturing on my feet for a couple of hours, but the fire incident showed me that standing still was a bad idea.

My idea was to stand and sing carols while moving my knee.
So, I acted.
We sang together.
I marched in place in slow motion, raising my knees to my waist as I faux marched.
I bent my knee so my heel touched my butt behind me.
I shifted my weight from foot to foot.

It worked!

I did a lot of walking last night with little pain.

I also remembered to thank God for my legs.
There was a time, not too long ago, when I could not attend the yearly Christmas sing.
Or I would go and sit in the car the whole time because I could not stand.
And forget about walking a couple of blocks to and from my car!
Walking used to be out of the question.

Last night I did lots of walking, remembered to be thankful for the ability to walk, then took action!
I walked and thanked, thanked and walked.

Doing the old walk and thank is a great way to get in the Holiday spirit.

I was even thankful for my middle aged face when I saw my reflection in the window of Lord & Taylor.

I thought of Joyce Meyer and her a-bit-older-than-middle-aged face.
She's on TV.
She sells tons of DVDs, CDs, books and sells out seminars all over the country.
She is lovely but not Hollywood perfect.
She's energetic but not young.
She's fit but not red-carpet skinny.
She's not Ivy League intellectual, but she's walkin' and talkin' for a living.

Guess she was grateful for what God gave her.
Guess she uses what she is grateful for and puts it into action.
Guess she's a great example of how to walk the talk!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"If you KNOW these things, happy are you if you DO them!"
Joyce Meyer gets it.
Knowing ain't enough.
Doing is what gets things done.
click here or click below

expect more, depressed less

"God can take your mess
and turn it into a message!"
- Joel Osteen

"When you are down to nothing
God is up to something!"
- Joel Osteen

Manic depression is a trickster.
I've been fighting it all my life; the mopey, draggy, sad, passionless, dour, near suicidal emptiness.
Then the sudden elated, hyper, creative, charming, glittery, lusty, energetic hypo mania hits and I think I can take on the world.
But of course the pendulum swings back the other way.

I've been navigating my bi-polar swings fairly well these past 20 years.
When I was hypo manic, I rode the wave of super-creativity.
When I was depressed, I disciplined myself to push through it and live my life.

The meds have helped, but at a price.
They keep me more even but they can make me passionless too.
They take the edge off the hypo-mania, meaning sometimes I don't have any passion for anything.

Navigating the meds has been difficult.
It's tough knowing how to take just enough to keep me from falling into the abyss while preserving some of my creative mania.

If I take the full prescriptions on a daily basis, I become a zombie.
I usually take them every other day.

Have I tried going off the meds entirely??
Sure.
I'll never do that again.

That's like a diabetic going off insulin all together hoping that they can manipulate their blood sugar with diet alone.
It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye...literally.

Mood disorders are not moods.
That's why they're called "disorders".
Mood disorders are chemical imbalances that need to be treated.

Can they be cured?
Probably, yes.
If diabetes (Type 2) can be cured, so can a chemical imbalance,
BUT I'm no where near the "cured" stage of my mood disorder.

And I don't mind being on the meds as long as I can juggle them well enough to be close to healthy.

Diet and exercise help.
Keeping a healthy body makes the symptoms more bearable.

The mind and soul need help too.
Pastor Joel's message the other night was like a super-dose of B12 energy.
It was a great reminder to know I can put my troubles on God and trust that my efforts will pay off somehow even if I have doubts.

It's tough, though.
It's tough in the moment to be able to have faith that things can get better.
Sometimes it feels like the misery will never lift.
Or that life circumstances like my job challenges will never improve.

Every time I sent out a resume these past 2 months, I had mixed feelings.
Part of me felt defeated, hopeless like I suspected I might never hear from the folks I sent it to.
Part of me imagined working at the job, happy, smiling, driving a decent car, wearing nice clothes, being good at whatever I was getting paid to do.

Then I heard from a good one.
The interview Wednesday will be great!
I put that out there to the universe.
They will hire me.
They will be great to work for.
I will be effective at doing that job!

Life rises to our expectations.
The challenge is to keep those expectations high.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Today we're going into NYC to hear Handel's Messiah and see the lighting of the Christmas trees on Park Avenue while we sing carols in front of the little church on 91st.
I have chills in advance just thinking about it!
Think Christmas is too commercial?
Then go to church and hear some music!
Here's a sample.
click here or click below

live that life of victory

"You need to see yourself
the way you want to be,

It's not enough to see it
- you need to learn to say it.
encourage one another,
starting with your mouth."
- Joel Osteen

Good thing Darren always has his notebook!
He wrote down all the gems from
'A Night of Hope'
in Philly last night.

“God wants you to be a winner,
not a whiner.”
- Joel Osteen

"Some people wait to enjoy their life
when everything is perfect.
They’ll be waiting for a long time. "
- Pastor Joel

Yes, the 2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is on in the background behind me.
Yes, I loved watching it.

I'm supposed to think it's bad.
I'm supposed to think it's damaging to women's self esteem.
I'm supposed to boycott it in solidarity with the size acceptance movement.
But I watch it anyway.

All those negative things about the show might be true (from a certain perspective),
but there are plenty of other true things about it too. One of those truths is that I love watching supermodels on the runway.

Call me gay, if you want to.
Call me a lover of the Hollywood stereotypical skinny body if you must.
Call me anything you like, just don't call me when the fashion show is on, cuz I'll be busy watching it.

I like what I like.
I cannot second guess myself based on what other people expect of me.

Know what else I like?
Encouragement.
I loved
Pastor Joel Osteen's 'A Night of Hope' where we received encouragement and blessings at the Wachovia Center in Philly last night.
And yes, Joel and his church made some money.
So what?

I hear he received 13 million as an advance for 'Your Best Life Now', his second book.
Good for him.

I'm not sure why folks (usually anti-religious cynics who care nothing for those who are encouraged by Joel's message) begrudge him his material success??

He is an author and speaker.
He deserves to get paid.

His church draws 40,000 people a week.
Lakewood is a HUGE enterprise. It needs money in order to run, just like ANY CHURCH!
Lakewood is a mega-church requiring mega-money to flourish.
So?

I used to believe that preachers were hypocrites if they became rich from preaching their version of God's message.

I used to apply the verses from Matthew, Mark and Luke (It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God) to everyone who had any kind of material wealth.

But now I understand that there are many ways to interpret that verse including the ones that say,
"You can't take it with you when you die"
or
"Ego, selfish baggage of wants, desires, have no place in the kingdom of heaven. It is our selfishness that we must give up. It's a given that our material wealth gets left at the gate no matter how rich or poor we are".

Those who are enemies of success convinced me that God only loves the poor and oppressed (he does love them, just not exclusively) and disdains the rich and successful (he loves them too...didn't Jesus hang around with sinners and tax collectors and catch shit from the Pharisees for it? see Matthew 9:9-11....What? You want to compare Joel Osteen's ministry to methods of the tax collectors from Roman occupied territory during Jesus time? Really?...of course he called them "sinners" but not because of their wealth, but because of their methods and for taking from poor folks by force and intimidation.)

The liberation theologians had convinced me that
Wealth and success = bad.
Poverty and defeat = good.

I've changed my mind.

That's why I chose that top picture of Joel for my blog today. The jag-off cynic who put that text on the picture was levying a criticism against Joel. But I'm taking it as inspiration.

Joel's message is that God wants us ALL to be rich. You can define "rich" any way you want to.

Joel Osteen's message is one of triumph. He preaches success, but not success at anyone else's expense. He preaches about abundance and the infinite providence of our Heavenly Father -
infinite providence based on God's infinite resources.
God has no limits.
Energy has no limit. Even Einstein said so.

We little humans get caught up in the earthly energy crisis involving fossil fuels and think that scarcity is a universal principle.
Sure earthly energy might dry up but God's energy will never run dry.
There is MORE than enough for everyone in life.

Just because one person succeeds does not mean others have to fail.

And don't quote Luke 18:22 to me either. Jesus was not addressing ALL people who were wealthy. He was addressing one person. That one person was attached to his material wealth and needed to learn non-attachment. He was not addressing all of us. Do you really think Jesus would expect all folks to become ascetic, itinerant preachers?

We can lift each other up without fear of "running out" of life's treasures, you know,
love,
compassion,
self-worthiness,
talent,
joy,
potential,
caring,
all that good stuff.

But let's take it a step further and imagine success, material success.
Now imagine all the good you can do by sharing it.

I WANT Pastor Joel to succeed!
I want his message to reach as many people as possible.
We need that hope.
We need to step out in faith.

We need to make a better world by making ourselves better, then going out and teaching others to do the same.

Be blessed, Pastor Joel.
Be blessed Lakewood Church.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.

I read the beatitudes and I didn't see anything about cursing the wealthy who spend their talents, energy, time and resources encouraging folks who desperately need hope.

If Joel is selling snake oil, as his critics accuse him of, then pour it all over me.
Anoint me with that oil and let me go forth and anoint others.

I'm not worried about Joel.

Watching 18,000 people swaying, singing and praising God was worth the (very low) ticket price of $15.
Feeling the energy of all those folks who left (working and middle class folks who hunger for hope, many of them limping along on canes, many of them disadvantaged somehow) is evidence that Lakewood Church is doing good in the world.

Go ahead, criticize Joel and his family.
You're just guaranteeing what Jesus preached...

Blessed are they who are persecuted
for the sake of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Ok, NOW if you want to criticize Pastor Joel here in the comment section of my blog, that would be appropriate since I wrote about him today.

Just don't expect me to be a good Christian when it comes to responding to you.

None is good, save one, that is, God , after all.

*Lisa's Video Pick fo the Day*
I show this clip in class.
It's a great lesson in how to handle criticism.
"Be confident in who you are!"
Amen to that :-)
click here or click below

caring more cuz I said I would

"She innately knows that she lives in the 'Land of Enoughness,'
the you-are-worth-it capitol of the world,
where she truly believes she is enough."
- Spirited Woman Approach blog

I am someone's dream girl.
For real.
I believe that.

Even being what folks consider 'overweight',
even with my folded stomach,
even being over 40,
even being ___ fill in the blank___,
I am someone's dream girl.

I mean that in a number of ways:
romantically,
comedically,
socially,
spiritually,
intellectually....
any '...ally...' you can think of.

There should not be a waiting period for love and acceptance from self or others.
That waiting period is self-imposed anyway.

Yesterday I blogged about wanting to care more.
Then suddenly, I cared more.

It was almost instantaneous.

Within 24 hours, 2 job possibilities came my way.
I have an interview Wednesday at a Catholic University to teach as an adjunct (there goes my cringe-comedy career!! haha...oh, wait, I decided to use a stage name ;-)

**********
Ok, I thought I'd have time to finish blogging after my lunch with Mom but I don't!
Darren and I are going to see Joel Osteen.

I need to jump in the shower and run!!

See you tomorrow :-)

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
God knows what's best for us, says Pastor Joel.
Don't eat pork!!
His Biblical view of unclean meat involves a radically healthy look at toxicity.
You go, Joel!
click here or click below

needs knees

At nearly 400 pounds I had
enormously swollen feet
and mighty cankles.

At 240, I still need to take off weight but
I feel so much better!

When does exercise become a physical necessity?
Well, it is ALWAYS a physical necessity.
We are embodied beings after all.
If our bodies don't work, the rest of our selves don't really work that well either.

I was much more tired and depressed before I lost half the weight.
(More than half the weight since I only have 103 pounds to go till I reach my goal).
My mind was not as sharp at 400 pounds.
I could not think as clearly as I do now.

But let me ask the question again.
When does exercise become a physical necessity??
I'll answer:
When our bodies stop working and need to be rehabilitated.

My body needs to be rehabilitated.

Last night, in the middle of teaching my class, the fire alarm went off.
We stood around for 30 minutes until they declared our building closed for the evening.

After 30 minutes of standing I could barely move my leg.
My left leg had stiffened up and almost frozen.
I couldn't bend my knee.
I was momentarily crippled.

When I say I could not bend my knee,
I'm not saying "it hurt to bend my knee".
I'm saying my knee would not bend.
It was as if my knee was in a brace.

I felt so helpless.
I had to sit for 20 minutes before I could move it again.

This Sunday, I'm going to the lighting of the Christmas trees on Park Ave in NYC. The festivities begin with a carol sing outside the church on 91st street. We are going to have to stand in the bitter cold for about 30 minutes before the trees are lit.

How am I supposed to do that if my leg stiffens up like it did last night?

Now is the time.
Now is the time to do the same exercises I did in physical therapy (back when my torn meniscus was first diagnosed).
Every day, I'll have to do these exercises so that I can keep the use of my legs.
It wouldn't hurt to take off a few pounds too.

This is what I mean by exercise being a physical necessity.

I want to be able to stand!

Walking is different.
Had I been walking, pacing, milling about for 30 minutes, my knee would have been fine. It would have been oxygenated. It would have felt lubricated.

It's the standing-still that stiffened me up.

Hmmm.
Quite a metaphor for life, don't you think?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...and I think to myself, what a wonderful world..."
My cousin Maria sent this to me.
It's feel good entertainment set to one of the most feel good songs ever
(of course, my favorite treatment of this song is in the film 'Good Morning Vietnam' when there is a much more tragic visual, but we don't need to look at tragedy right this second, do we?)
Even art can be a celebration of the physical.
This time, it's hands!
click here or click below

care more

Me receiving the
Nelson Mandela Award for Excellence in Diversity
at Montclair State University
back in ... was it 2005?

"I feel like I'm asking myself all the big questions again:
Do I want to lose weight?
How much weight do I want to lose?
Why do I want to lose weight?
Why am I not happy at my current weight?
Why do I even have a weight problem?
Why do I overeat?
What am I expecting from weight loss?"
- Caroline's Commitment blog

Losing massive amounts of weight?
Be prepared for neck wrinkles.
But I'd rather have neck wrinkles
than killer diabetes.

Why do we lose motivation halfway toward our goals?
The answer is right there in the question.
It's the word "Why".

I know how I am.
I start questioning everything.
I wonder why I'm pushing myself so hard.
I look at my goal and think 'meh'.

Looking at my original weight loss goal of reaching 137 pounds (what I weighed in 8th grade) I think 'meh' and wonder why I need to be so small.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I wonder if all the pain and suffering of plastic surgery will be worth it.

I question my motives.

Is it love that I'm seeking?
Do I need approval from others?
Am I really just plain shallow?

Then the meta questions come in such as
'Why do I care about any of this?'

It must be possible to find contentment with an okay, decently fulfilling life.
Super high energy accomplishments seem like too much work.
I lose interest in pursuing the big prizes.
Being satisfied with things just as they are seems like a good idea.

Most days I just don't feel like working very hard.
I do a half assed job at whatever I'm doing and the world keeps turning
Things turn out okay.
I get by.
So, why give a heroic effort?

There is no urgency the way there was in the beginning.
At close to 400 pounds I needed to act dramatically in order to save my own life.
I acted.

Ok, life has been saved.
Now what?
Can I just relax and enjoy life's simple pleasures?

I become torn between believing I'm lazy/depressed and believing that a low-key life of simple pleasures would be just fine.

Yet,
I want to care more.
Even if I don't DO more, even if I do end up living a less-than-stellar life, I want to care more about life than I do right this minute.

Yeah, I have goals.
I have ideas.
I just want to care more about doing something with them.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It would be great to teach little kids to have self esteem regardless of their size.
But it's kinda hard to do that when the other kids are calling you fat-fat-water-rat.
All the inner fortitude falls apart when your peers make fun of you.
Since all human beings long for acceptance maybe we long for skinny-ness
because we think we'll be accepted,
then aaaaaalllll the hurt will magically go away.
These girls are so young.
click here or click below

make food

Above: 400 pounds
Below: 240 pounds

Ok, so even if
I'm only halfway there,
think I got some stories to tell?

"You are speaking from your heart
and are inspired by the passion and power within
that makes you the unique
and special person you are.
Whether people agree with you
or not they will appreciate
this kind of communication
and be attracted to the honesty in it."
- Spirited Women Blogger Team

My cousin Maria (click here for her amazing blog!)
helped me put a few things in perspective yesterday.
Cooking was one of them.

We were chatting about Thanksgiving dinner. I was marveling at how EASY it is to make a giant bowl of mashed potatoes. I paid 98 cents for a 5 pound bag of white potatoes at the Food Basics.
Boiled them with the skins on. Drained off the water. Added a can of Cream of Celery soup and mashed them by hand.

That's it.
A giant bowl of food for $1.44 (the can of soup was on the half-price rack with a slight dent in it which is why it was only 44 cents).

I wondered why folks don't make fresh food more often.

Maria said that folks might not have the time, energy or wherewithal to make fresh food every day.

Then it dawned on me.

Flashback to a conversation with Maria from a few years ago. I weighed close to 400 pounds, had no energy, lived on drive-thru food and microwave crap.
Maria wanted to help me eat better.

She recommended a trip to Cosco. She was telling me to just get a nice bag of frozen boneless chicken breasts. She said they were so easy. I could take out one or a few at a time, put the rest away in the resealable freezer bag, and have some nice lean protein for an easy quick dinner.

I remember being annoyed at her advice.

At 400 pounds, even a small amount of movement was laborious.
There was no such thing as a quick and easy anything!
There were only drive-thrus and binges.
They were my quick and easy.

I used to watch my fit, slim cousin flit around her kitchen, preparing a healthy meal for us. After we ate, just as quickly, she cleaned up everything.
The kitchen looked like we'd never even eaten.

I envied her.
I wanted to have that kind of energy.
I wanted to have a clean kitchen.
I wanted freshly prepared healthy food for myself.

Back then, energetic food preparation was a far off fantasy.

Flash to the present.

Miraculous!
I'm getting a Cosco membership for Christmas so I can buy things like frozen chicken breasts, bulk foods and stuff specifically for the purpose of preparing fresh food for myself (and my lucky guests who sometimes like my hippie cooking).

When I crave something now, I prepare it.

If the ingredients are not on hand, I'll go out, buy the food, come home, prepare it and store the leftovers.

Yeah, sounds like no big deal...but it is.

It is a big deal for me to be able to use my kitchen.

It is a big deal for very obese people who want to get well.
Being able to buy, prepare and eat a healthy amount of food is a LIFE-SAVING ability.
Truly.

Yeah, I got some stuff I can talk about.

The time for navel-gazing is over.

Fat or not,
imperfect or not,
far from Hollywood hot or not,
I can get up in front of a room and talk.

Gotta get the book finished (before the third week of January when my PLAYBOY article comes out), which is do-able.
Gotta get my speaker kit together,
which is do-able.

I gotta do it now.

Time has no respect for desire, only action.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
If I believed it was ok to be fat, I wouldn't need to watch videos like this to help me accept myself.
Gotta change my beliefs so I can live!!
Right?
"By bridging performance and academia these Bay Area activists are bringing attention to fat bodies and then asking, so? But their serious ambitions arent without a certain flare for fun and fashion."
Thanks, Kelly, Sondra and Marilyn!
click here or click below

airplane fat

At close to 400lbs I sure did have glowing skin!
Must have been all that olive oil
and assorted fats I gorged myself on daily.

Now, either I'm dehydrated,
getting older or I need to take some fish oil caps!

Hookah, a glowing hot coal of incense
that tastes like firey perfume.
I liked the vanilla.

Here's why I won't be invited to speak as an advocate for NAAFA or the Size Acceptance Movement: I kinda agreed with Jimmy Norton this morning when he was ranting (not terribly vehemently, we'll call it a mini-rant) about a woman in Canada who was suing an airline for not giving her adequate seating on a flight. Rather than pay for two tickets, the woman believes that the airline should have provided her with two seats but only charged her for one ticket.

She claims that her hip fat hangs over the sides of the seats, flopping over the armrests on either side of her. Not only is she embarrassed but she spends the duration of her flight in pain from the narrow seat.

I understand.
I WAS that woman!
Shamefully asking the flight attendant for a seatbelt extender, I'd get one tossed my way with a look of dismissal.
The armrests dug into my sides like torture clamps.

When I was finally at a size where I no longer needed the seat belt extender, I rejoiced.
I felt so normal. I even blogged about it (click here).

When I was too fat for the seat, I felt ashamed, I felt physical pain and I blamed myself.
I remember.
I'll never forget.

This morning, on the radio, Jimmy talked about folks who expect the airlines to accommodate their size.
But first, he acknowledged his listeners.
He says he knows that some of us are fat...then he corrected himself and said most of us are fat.
He gave a semi-sympathetic disclaimer.
Then he explained his position.

He wondered if a recovering alcoholic would have the right to demand non-drinking flights out of consideration for their recovery. He wondered what rights different types of addicts have when it comes to demanding accommodations publicly.

He said that obesity should not be treated the same way as a "real" disability, such as a person in a wheel chair.

He quoted the article about the woman in Canada who claims she has polycystic ovaries that caused her obesity.

He says he'd understand if she was living on salads and still had a weight problem. Jimmy wants to see if this woman is telling the truth about not being physically able to slim down or if she's just eating too much bread and carbs just like the rest of the obese population.

I listened to him with mixed feelings.
Having been that woman, I empathize with her pain and shame,
BUT...and every one loves a big butt...
I know why I was/am fat.

It was not a glandular problem.
It was not cystic ovaries.
Not thyroid either.
I was super-morbidly obese because of how I ate.

Guess what?
With 103 more pounds to lose till I hit my goal weight, I'm still considered "morbidly" obese.
Guess who's responsible for that??
Me!!

Compulsive overeating got me this fat.
My behavior.
My addiction.

Even if I DID have a physical condition that had weight gain as a symptom, I know that fat has to be fed. Carbs, fat, sugars are still required in order to make and keep a person fat. Maybe certain conditions exacerbate weight gain but one still has to eat crap in order to feel like crap.

Look, words like "blame" and "fault" are unhelpful.
"Responsibility" is a better word.
I like "honesty" as well.

Compulsive overeating is a serious disorder because of the physical results.
Morbid obesity has lethal side effects.
Compulsive overeating is an eating disorder, chronic addictive behavior, maybe even a disease.
But please own it.
I own it.

I own my behavior.
I know why I was (and still am) fat.

I find it dishonest when obese people, including post-op weight loss surgery folks, talk about obesity like it's a virus that one catches as if their own behavior has nothing to do with their weight.

That's one of the main reasons I stopped going to my post-op support meetings. No one wanted to talk about eating disorder recovery.

So, my Jimmy brings up a good point.
Should morbidly obese folks be given the same consideration as folks with a wheelchair-type disability?
Since their behavior is the direct cause of their physical condition, does society have the obligation to accommodate them?

I
don't
know.

Maybe we do. I mean, there has got to be a segment of the wheelchair-using community who lost the use of their legs because of their own choices - drunk driving accident perhaps, some sort of bad behavioral decision a la Jackass. We still accommodate them.

I have sympathy for fat folks (such as myself).
I STILL deal with people who judge me for my size.
The stigma of the fat person being lazy and weak is a tough one because it's not true.
As a person with an eating disorder, I know that laziness is not the problem.

I think fat people are judged harshly.
We're treated unfairly.

But the airplane seat thing?
I'm just not sure how I feel about it.
It doesn't sit well with me.

Sometimes the Fat Acceptance seems to be a way to teach large people to go around bleating like whiny victims who take no responsibility for owning their addictive behavior.

I wonder, while we're getting well, do we have the right to demand accommodations on a plane?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It would be great to feel good about myself.
These women seem really cool.
I'd love to hang out with them.
I'm just not sure if they'd want me around considering my views.
Here's some press about the short film "Nothing to Lose" by Robert Chang
a film about fat advocates in NYC.
click here or click below