BLANK

I did not blog today.
My network adapter (maybe) is malfunctioning.
Dr. Computer will be here on Sunday to repair it.
My apologies.

Mo Say Ick

"...we don't fall in line with people
who don't respect us
and who we don't believe
have our best interest at heart.
We are willing to follow leaders,
but only to the extent
that we believe they call on
our best,
not our worst."
- Rachel Maddow

"There are people I loathe
and I wrote a book
sh&itting all over them;
the concept of that
would have pleased (George Carlin).
The honesty of it.
Not the subjective right or wrong of it,
but the fact that
I'm telling the truth.
And I think it's funny.
At least, I hope it is.
Because, in the end,
my job isn't to preach to you,
or to change your opinion
about anything,
but to
make
you
laugh."
- Jim Norton in I Hate Your Guts

I just ate a delicious breakfast.
Eggbeaters with a blob of fat free ricotta over 12 grain bread with a slice of fat free cheese.
Yum!

Lots of protein, almost Zero fat, high fiber and who gives a crap how many calories.
My belly feels warm and full.
I feel like I ate cleanly.
I'm not grabbing for more food.
I reached full and stopped eating.

If this is as well as I ever get?
I'd be content.

If I stayed exactly this weight,
exactly this fitness level,
and exactly this appetite level for the rest of my life,
I'd be ok.

It is incredibly important to me
that I can say that and mean that.

I don't care WHO disagrees with me or how.
I know, in my heart, that self-acceptance is about being ok with exactly what one has.

Does that mean I'll never improve on what I've got?
If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know that I am a progressive person. I'm here on this earth to love, learn and evolve.
Of course I'll improve on myself.

How?
In what areas will I improve?
I am leaving that open.
I'm leaving it open so I can truly choose.

Does that seem inconsistent of me?
Tough!

I refuse to be consistent for the sake of consistency.

I'm the same way when it comes to leadership.
My leaders must empower me.
Since my ideas change, and what empowers me changes,
my choices in leaders change.

So, I do the mosaic.
I'll take input from a variety of sources, picking and choosing what works and doesn't work for me from different philosophies and mentors.

It has taken me a long time to accept that mosaic-ness about myself.
I used to beat myself up for being 'inconsistent'.
I thought I was waffling.
But really, I was growing, developing, changing, trying stuff on and throwing away things that are out of style or not longer fit me.

That's why I can listen to a feminist radio program one minute and Opie and Anthony the next with equal interest.
Different aspects of each are valuable for me.

The problem is, it makes my blog difficult to categorize.
Folks don't quite know if this is a weight loss blog,
a fat positive blog,
a feminist blog...a whiny diary maybe?
lol

Maybe we can call it 'a mosaic'.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
If the objective of religions is to improve the lot of humankind,
then individual ways of approaching the divine can all be considered
"good" if they improve the human condition.
That's a pretty radical concept.
It would require a mosaic approach to religious expression, right?
click here or click below

non-practicing vegetarian

nataliedee.com

I wish I were more philosophically consistent.
I could never shoot an animal or wring an animal's neck but I do eat meat.
I suck.

That ad slogan,
'Pork, the other white meat'
used to deeply offend me.
Pig slaughter makes me sad.
ANY slaughter makes me sad.
Yet, I eat meat.

I do very well eating meat.
My blood sugar stays nice and even.
I maintain or lose weight.
I'm less hungry when I eat lots of meat.
Did I mention?
I suck.

Fish?
I don't have all that much compassion for fish.
I should eat more of them.
My cats are fish eaters.
My cats don't suck the way I do.
I should be more like my cats.

Eating mammals causes internal conflict for me.
I think the guilt I associate with their cooked flesh taints the food with spiritual negativity.
I don't eat mammals very often.

Chicken?
Horribly cruel breeding and living conditions and I help perpetuate the horror by eating lots of the poor dead feathered f*ckers.

Turkey?
I only like it as cold cuts.
Thanksgiving-style turkey tastes too gamey for me.

Right now?
For all my self-inflicted protest...
I'm eating deli turkey wrapped in a piece of fat free cheese.

I respect the food chain idea but unless I kill the food myself, aren't I cheating?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Oh Em Gee.
The NEWS BEAVER ???
I couldn't resist.
And they're saying Seitan NOT Satan.
Hooray for Vegetarian protein (but avoid Seitan if you have a gluten allergy).
click here or click below

get real

"I think it's the

duty
of the comedian
to find out
where
the line is drawn
and
cross it
deliberately."
- George Carlin

I'll say it.
I'll say what's on my mind.
And if I change my mind about it in the future, I'll say it then, too.

It may be unpopular.
You may not like it,
but it's real.
It's me.

So here's what's on my mind today, for real...

When you really, really, really, want to get something done, you'll do it.
If you're conflicted about WHY you're doing something, you'll find any excuse to avoid doing it.

Yesterday (and right this minute) I feel like crap.
My sinuses are stuffed,
my throat burns,
my eyes are watering,
I'm coughing,
and I'm feeling achy.

While feeling like total crap, I still wanted to get my resume and cover letter sent to a certain corporation for a certain job opening. I didn't feel well so I told myself it could wait.
I didn't have to do it.

I let myself off the hook.
I was about to go to bed and rest.

Instead I talked myself into staying at the computer for another half hour.
I told myself that I could do it despite feeling crappy.
I was right.
I got it done.

I've learned something over the past 2 years: when you want it bad enough, the wanting is motivation enough.

Really.

"I don't feel like it,"
has little or no power when your desire is strong.

You can not-feel-like-it and do it anyway.
How badly you want it trumps how badly you don't feel like it.

It's rare when desire and feeling-like-it actually sync up.

Most of the time I'm in a state of rather-be-doing-something-else,
but that does not stop me
because my desire is stronger than how I feel.

The next time you let yourself off the hook
and opt to not-do something,
don't be so hard on yourself.

Ask yourself WHY you made the commitment in the first place.
Were you committing to do something because you felt like you SHOULD be doing something?
Were you being pressured?
Were you operating out of the I-have-to place or the I-want-the-desired-outcome
place?
Was it YOUR idea or someone elses?

When I feel I have-to or should-do something, I'm able to force myself to do it, but I won't be able to keep doing it in the long term.
My need to be true to myself takes over.
My WHY has to be MY idea.

Eating disorders often manifest because of the need to be in control of one's self.
Depriving one's self or stuffing one's self with food is a way to be in control of our own actions,
a way to deal with our uncomfortable emotions.

It makes sense that recovery involves being true to one's authentic desires for self expression.

We have a deep seated need (I know that the phrase deep seated need is a cliche but I love the sound of it) to be true to our own values, beliefs and desires.

If we do something out of some other person's idea of what we should be doing, chances are we'll sabotage our own efforts in an attempt to have our actions match our really, real desires.

It is imperative that we define ourselves...authentically.


Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower
and success..."
Oh, yeah.
I felt like that MOST of my life!
With all that built up resentment in my soul, do you have to wonder
why I feel so conflicted about weight loss??
This is a great video/commercial made as part of a school project
in media and image technology.
Nice one.
click here or click below

pumpkins are for eating...right?

"Take care of your body,
take care of your soul.
Nurture the real you,
and introduce him or her
to the world.
Be comfortable in your skin,
and in your place in the world.
Take your spot,
take it now,
and the universe
will take its cue
from
you."
- Angie Atkinson from In Pursuit of Fulfillment

I walked around our town's Harvest Festival yesterday.
It was a gorgeous blue sky, sunny day.
Folks were running around in costumes.
Kids were painting pumpkins.
Rides, games, contests and food.

But not harvest food.
They had only sugary food.
Cupcakes and brownies and funnel cakes and sweets.
There was nothing Fall Harvest-y about the food at the Harvest fest.

The orange icing on the cupcakes didn't interest me.
The orange and yellow sprinkled brownies didn't interest me.
The candy was not enticing.

I looked at the pile of pumpkins waiting to be decorated and started craving squash and sweet potatoes.

Looking at the pumpkins made me want to eat.
I wanted orange food...from nature.

I'm fighting a sinus infection/sore throat (yes, again) so I was not in the mood to cook for myself,
yet the craving was strong.
Hungry for veggies, I went to my local Boston Market.
I had the girl scoop me up some nice sweet potatoes WITHOUT the icky marshmallow crap on top and some nice autumn vegetables.

I ate them all with a giant bowl of three bean salad while I watched Lucky Louie on DVD (why HBO canceled this awesome show is beyond me).

So should I be looking in the mirror and thinking that I'm fat and awful
or should I look in the mirror and see someone who transformed herself from
the girl who used to binge on brownies and cupcakes to the girl who prefers autumn vegetables?

Should I feel inadequate because I'm not slim?
How about some phony 'hang in there, you can do it!' to make me feel like I have no business being happy in my own skin exactly as I am.

Sure, there are ways to improve on my health, but for right now,
I'm happy to be where I'm at.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Since I get sick from butter and cream, I would substitute low fat or fat free ingredients.
Fat free broth, soy milk or skim milk would be just fine.
How yummy does this look?
click here or click below

tune in, tune out

Here's a quote from
Susan Powter
that I like:

"Very few people are
original.
There's very little
original
anything out there.
Because to be
original
means you have to
stand
alone."
Susan Powter

Here's a quote from
Susan Powter
that I DON'T like:

"You can be
fat and love yourself.
You can be fat
and have a great damn
personality.
You can be fat
and sew your own
clothes.
But you
can't be fat
and
healthy."
Susan Powter

"Just because you're making money
on something
doesn't make you a sell-out.
When folks become financially successful
doing something
they're passionate about,
we're tempted to say
their only motivation
is to make money.
But...
it is right and good
to make your
living
doing something
you
love."
- Lisa Sargese

I love Susan, but sometimes she makes me feel like crap,
like when she vilifies fat.
I love her, but sometimes I disagree with her,
like when she says you can't be fat and healthy.

But like I always say, you don't throw away a Rolls Royce cuz it's got a dent in it!
And to me, she's a Rolls Royce.

Same with my morning radio show boys, Opie and Anthony (and Jimmy Norton).
To many people, they're horrifying, misogynist bigots who make their living with potty mouthed toilet humor.
That's a pretty big dent in the Rolls Royce.
It's more like total body damage (no pun).

But the engine is still a Rolls Royce.
They help me to feel brave.
With their example they've helped me to be more authentic about my own views and my own voice.
They refuse to pander.
They refuse to sell out.
They're not 'pleasers'.
They're real and their humor is brutal (and funny as hell...it's great to wake up laughing in the morning).

Different folks inspire me in different ways.
I listen.
I take what I believe will empower me
and I put the rest in storage or throw it away.

There is no one person that has ALL the right things to say to me...
except me,
and even I get it wrong sometimes!

I 'bad girled' myself for years over my unfinished paperwork.
Then, after a couple of days of 'good girling' myself, I finished it.
I wish I could convey the impact that empty file box has had on me since this past Friday.

Cleaning up,
filing,
sorting,
and doing what I need to do to take care of myself
is taking me to a new place.
A place where I trust myself,
respect myself,
and believe I deserve health and happiness NOW
rather than some future time when I weigh less.

Today I'm going to our city's Harvest Festival.
I'll be walking around in the fresh air enjoying activities,
being on my feet (physically)
and being active rather than sedentary.

Good for me.

Can you learn to say that??

Repeat after me:

Good
for
me!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
What we focus on gains power!
What we allow ourselves to hear, dwell on and believe
creates our self image.
Darren tells the story of certain bats that can hear a minuscule difference in pitch in a toad's croak in order to discern which ones are edible and which poisonous.
We need to be more like bats.
Listen to what's good for us and tune out the rest!
click here or click below

acceptance leads to accomplishment

"Size acceptance is not
'giving up'
or 'letting yourself go'
as some people believe;
it's emphasizing good health
NOW
in the body you have
NOW,
without necessarily tying that to weight loss.
It's accepting and
loving yourself
the way you are
NOW,
while still working on
improving health
and
habits as needed.
It's giving yourself permission
to live fully regardless of your size,
to embrace life
and happiness
and feeling good
about yourself with
gusto
and joy."
- Club Round

"The Health At Every Size
paradigm emphasizes accepting
and loving yourself as you are,
learning to enjoy
and practice physical activity regularly
(but for the joy and health of moving,
not as a means to weight loss),
normalizing eating to eliminate
and worth irrespective of differences
in weight, physical size
and shape."
- A Clubhouse for Round People

Size acceptance is all good in theory,
but how can I feel good about
my boobs
that hang down to
Geri's belly button??

It's great that self acceptance gives us energy to do things we've been putting off for a long time.

But I'm wondering...

If we become free from the things that oppress us, then what do we do with that freedom?

Friday, I mailed out a stack of overdue paperwork - applications for medical assistance, a tax form that was overdue, student loan consolidation paperwork, etc. In total I mailed six envelopes, some with double postage, and said 'good bye' to the oppressiveness that had been crushing me for almost 2 years.

Yep. I had been procrastinating for years on some of that stuff.

I can't believe it's done.

I was so used to feeling guilty about it.
It was like my go-to place for feeling bad.
There was always a sense of should-be-doing in the back of my mind whenever I tried to relax or do something else. There was always that relentless nagging reminder of unfinished business.

Now I look to my right at my giant filing box and the stuff is just gone.
Poof.
Not there.
Handled.

I've been so used to feeling like crap about it.
I'm working to convince myself that the stuff is done.
Like I'm waiting to wake up and see the old familiar envelopes sticking up waiting for my attention.

But they're gone.

I've actually made room in my life to work on other stuff... better stuff.

like...I'm making another resume and cover letter for the non-academic world.
It's time to branch out.

I want money
and health coverage.

I want to get my body in order.

I want to get on with my creative career.

It's not like I have all the time in the world.

I took time for granted for so many years.
Now, with those paperwork projects out of the way, I feel like I'm stepping into a new phase of my life.

Old business: handled.
New business: to be enjoyed.
New adventures: to be had!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Procrastination is a mind game...cloud over your head all day long..."
Rita Emmett says we procrastinate about things we don't want to do but also we procrastinate about things we LIKE to do!
This is a great video.
AND I noticed something about her.
She's fat (has fat on her body).
She's middle aged (older than 40).
She won't be walking on the red carpet (on camera) in Hollywood any time soon.
Yet, she's probably making a nice living as a speaker.
So why am I letting my looks, or my ridiculously high standards of how I think I should look,
stop me??
Guess I've been procrastinating ;-)
click here or click below

It's not ok to feel not ok

"- RESPECT -

Because you must respect yourself
in order to succeed.
Self-respect and self-esteem
are fundamental parts
of the human psyche.
They are essential keys
to unlocking
human
potential.
When people feel good
about themselves
and become secure
in who they are,
they are able to look beyond
their current circumstances
and dream
of
a
better
life."
- International Size Acceptance Association

Ugh!
I have waddling walrus-chin!
But...
Even slender Darren looks like he has a
walrus-chin from this angle.
Will I ever learn to love my walrus-chin?

What can I talk about?
I don't mean here on this blog.
I rarely, if ever, have writer's block when I sit down to blog in the mornings. I always seem to have something to say.

When I ask 'what can I talk about' I mean publicly,
as a speaker.

Let's say I didn't want to wait until all the weight is off before I take my act on the road.
Let's say I want to talk NOW.
Let's say I have something to talk about other than weight-loss.

Or, let's say weight-loss is only part of the story (it IS only part of the story).

What would I talk about?

I've been struggling to find my "niche" for a couple of years.
I thought I'd be talking about my "weight-loss-journey" but I'm not captivated by that idea any longer.
I'm putting weight-loss in it's place.
Weight-loss is part of getting healthy (for me) but it's not the whole picture.

So, what is the whole picture?
What do I want to talk about?

I'm close.
I'm really close to figuring that out.

Self-acceptance.
Authenticity.
Health at Every Size perhaps?

I think I'd be a great spokesperson for the Fat Acceptance/Size Acceptance movement.

Cuz even if I reach my 'goal' weight of 137 (emphasis on if)
I'll still be considered fat by certain standards.

See Jennifer Love Hewitt below...
The blogs and gossip rags were a buzz about how "fat" she got.

Are they kidding me??
I WISH I were that fat.
I'm going to need plastic surgery to look that shapely - to put my body back together after blowing up to 400 lbs then deflating.

Even after I've gone through all kinds of
surgical reconstruction will I let some phony,
hallow segment of the population (body critics)
tell me I'm STILL unacceptable ?

It's bad enough that I'll be going through the painful recovery,
time commitment and expense of getting the flappy skin removed.
By fat-prejudiced standards, even after all that suffering I would still have to feel yucky and inadequate.

Nope.
Ain't doing it.

It's not ok for anyone to make me feel not-good-enough.

It's not ok
to feel
not ok.

So maybe my niche is to help folks feel 'ok'.

I have learned that change,
lasting change,
cannot happen without
self care
and
acceptance.

I have evidence.

That's why I've been blogging about this for 2 years.

I'm speaking from experience.

Maybe, just maybe, my experience is enough.

Let's see if I can get a one hour talk out of my experience thus far.

"First they ignore you,
then they laugh at you,
then they fight you,
then
you
win."
- M. Gandhi

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Here's another entry in COFRA's Dare to Show Your Face challenge.
She says she's still "just a person."
"we want love just like everyone else..."
Right on, Carrie!
click here or click below

I refused to settle

"Whatever your beliefs
may be about yourself
and the world,
remember that they are only thoughts,
and thoughts
can be changed."

-Louise Hay

"We have a tendency to
recreate the emotional environment
of our early home life...
We also tend to recreate
in our personal relationships,
those we had with
our mother
and
father."
- Louise Hay
in Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook

2 good
2 b
4 saken.

Although it gave me a headache to do so, I declined the opportunity for an interview with a certain business oriented university today.
Why?
The job, disguised as an academic adviser position,
was really a SALES job.

There is no way I spent 14 years getting three degrees in higher education to go 'door-to-door' selling the equivalent of an Apex Technical school degree.

Door-to-door, meaning I would be expected to do "in-home" visits to make presentations regarding enrolling in ____ University. The deal would be 'closed' when the student enrolled.
And yes, there would be quotas and commissions.

That's what I was doing BEFORE I earned a degree in philosophy and two masters degrees.
I worked in sales and customer service for 12 years before I became too depressed to continue.
College saved me from the utter despair and meaninglessness I suffered in that job sector.

No matter how in-need I am for employment right now, I would rather wait for a job that will actually utilize my skills AND my education.

It would be stinkin' thinkin' to regard myself as desperate.
Regardless of the state of the economy, I feel I can do better.
I deserve something better.

So I got brave just now and sent my resume to 3 other institutions today.

That's two brave steps.
One, deciding that I was good enough to say 'no thank you' to something I did not want.
And Two pursuing things I DO want with confidence.

Scary?
Yes.

The right thing to do?
I think so.

What's next?
We'll see.

For now, I have to run to the local Kinko's to fax my resume to ____ for a great position in student affairs. A real position. One I actually want.

Let's hope my bravery pays off.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This vid was made as part of the COFRA, the Coalition of Fat Rights Activists
"Dare to Show Your Face" challenge.
This girl has not let her weight hold her back.
Folks accused her of brain-washing herself into accepting her fatness
as an excuse to not diet and not lose weight.
It's so ignorant to accuse fat people of being undisciplined and lazy.
I'm not lazy.
She's not lazy.
We're both fat.
God love us.
Click here or click below

No breakfast?

Night-eating syndrome:
Most of the day's calories are
eaten late in the day or at night.
Someone with this disorder has
little
or
no appetite
for breakfast.
S/he delays their first meal for several hours
after waking up and is often upset
about how much was eaten the night before.
- Lesser Known Eating Disorders

Wow.
I had no idea that avoiding breakfast and eating too much at night was considered an eating disorder!

I used to be like that.
I would hate to "start" eating in the morning. I was afraid it would set off a day's worth of overeating. It usually did.

Riddled with guilt from my binge the night before, I would start the day with coffee and nothing else hoping to make up for overeating the night before.

I would hold out for as long as I could with no food,
sometimes going all day without eating
only to make up for it by overeating from sundown till I passed out at bedtime.

The starve-all-day cycle was difficult to break.
Well, it took the gastric bypass to help me break it.

Now, I eat within a few hours of waking because I'm hungry.
Our bodies need fuel in the morning.
The surgery prevents me from eating too much.

My healthy breakfast (today it was leftover chicken, vegetable and tofu stew)
begins a day of sane, nourishing meals that I eat when I'm feeling hungry.

Do I still eat recreationally at night?
Yep.
I still have the urge to eat in the evening,
so I do.
However, I no longer eat cookies, ice cream, Entemann's cakes, chips or other junky crap.
I have fruit, fresh vegetables, homemade tamari almonds, sugar free jello, sugar free ice pops, fat free yogurt and the occasional wasa or rice cakes.

Do I still have the eating disorder?
The tendency?
I dunno.
Maybe.
I DO know that I feel better.
That's what matters, I guess.

But I don't want to feel too superior about eating well.
Cuz that would make me orthorexic.
Yeah, orthorexia is an eating disorder too...

Orthorexia nervosa:
People with orthorexia nervosa
feel superior to others who eat
"improper" food,
which might include non-organic
or junk foods
and items found in regular grocery stores,
as opposed to health food stores.
Orthorexics obsess over what to eat,
how much to eat,
how to prepare food "properly,"
and where to obtain "pure"
and
"proper"
foods.
Eating the "right" food becomes an important
or even the primary focus of life.
One's worth or goodness is seen in terms
of what one does or does not eat.
Personal values,
relationships,
career goals,
and friendships
become less important
than the quality
and
timing of
what is consumed.
- Lesser Known Eating Disorders

Nah.
I don't think I'm orthorexic because
I'm not obsessing.

I'm relaxing, or trying to relax.
I'm trying to eat intuitively
without guilt.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This "no diet" idea sound great as a way to be healthy.
Why do they have to associate mindful eating with "shedding pounds"
as if that's the only reason to be aware of what we're eating?
Ugh!
click here or click below

Is 'selfish' a dirty word?

nataliedee.com

"I'm eating a far more

plant-based diet.
Less processed food.
Thinking about
sugar
and
fat
consumption
not in terms of calories
but in terms of what happens
to my well-being."
- Oprah in O magazine Oct '08

Well-being should not be such a difficult state to attain.
It should be simple.
Easy.
Accessible.
There shouldn't be so many obstacles in the way.

Many of those obstacles come from our own minds.
We feel we're being 'selfish' by taking care of ourselves.
We treat the word 'selfish' like it's a dirty word.
But how did that idea get into our minds?

It didn't just appear there.
We were taught that selfishness is bad, that
self sacrifice is virtuous,
that the hallmark of a good person is one who works selflessly for the benefit of others
no matter what the cost to the self.

EVEN IF THAT WERE TRUE
we will not be that effective
at working for the benefit of others
if we ourselves are unhealthy and falling apart.

But it's not true.
At least I don't think so.

Look, ALL the world religions say something along the lines of what Jesus is quoted as saying in the Gospel of Matthew:

Matthew 22
36"Teacher, which is the
greatest commandment in the Law?"
37Jesus replied:
'Love the Lord your God
with all your heart and with all your soul
and with all your mind.
38This is the first and greatest commandment.
39And the second is like it:
Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

As your SELF!
If we're not loving the self, how will we know how to love our neighbors
and how will they know how to love us?

Ok, so if self love is a virtue,
why do we have such a
hard time with it?
Why don't we love ourselves well?

Love of self and self care should be easier.

Like yesterday, I took care of myself.
I went grocery shopping at Basics - a no frills warehouse style supermarket.
I bought a shopping cart full of good, healthy foods.

It was not my usual half-unconscious, hurried, in-denial emergency shopping that I do at the overpriced Stop and Shop near my apartment.

My Basics trip was calm, deliberate and intentional.
It felt so good to buy fresh fruits, fresh vegetables, chicken breast, yogurt, beans, sugar-free jello, 12 grain bread, tofu and soy milk.

It felt even better to come home and put everything away.

I remember the days (not that long ago) when I'd come home from shopping and pass out on the couch from exhaustion while my perishables sat on the living room floor waiting for me to regain my strength so I could put them away.

Yesterday, I put all my groceries away first and THEN I took a nice nap.

Hey, I wish I didn't need to nap at all.
My energy level isn't exactly where I want it to be, but it's improving.

When I awoke from my nap, I cooked a nice big pot of energy stew - a pot o'Lisa -
with tofu, chicken breast, spinach, zucchini and tomato with barley.
I only used a third of a bag of pearl barley instead of my usual entire bag.
Why?

I wanted the pot o'Lisa to be less carby.
Not out of some misplaced guilt over eating carbs or curtailing calories,
rather, I did it because
I FEEL BETTER
when I watch my carbs.
My blood sugar stays more even.
I feel less spacey and more focused.
I digest things more easily when my diet is rich in vegetables and lean protein.

All the while telling myself:
It's ok to want to feel better.
It's ok to actually feel better.

It's sad that when we are the victims of abuse for a long period of time,
our brains will try to make sense of it by making us believe we deserve that abuse.

It is proving to be a Herculean effort to reverse the damage I suffered in life.
I don't mean that in a 'poor me...I'm such a victim' sort of way.
I mean it as a description of MY experience and
my intuition regarding how to heal MY self.
I'm taking responsibility for my own wellbeing.

If you can identify with what I'm saying, I hope you will
give yourself permission
to feel ok,
to take care of yourself,
to believe that you deserve loving care from self and others.

Being selfish ain't easy.

It takes practice.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Neesha Zollinger shows us some yogic
self-care techniques.
Tongue scraping,
nasal cleansing,
body brushing,
self-massage,
and daily yoga practice.
And if we don't have the time
or energy for this routine,
we should really ask yourselves
why not!!
click here or click below

overcoming body dysmorphism

"Make a pact with yourself
to treat your body with respect...
Try a new physical activity just for fun,
not to lose weight.
Stop weighing yourself,
and change your goal from weight loss
to
improving your
health."
- Love Your Body Day
National Organization for Women (NOW) Foundation,
a campaign of the Women's Health Project

"It makes me far more confident
to know
I can hold my own
in a fight
than it does to look
in the mirror
and think
I look
beautiful."
- Jessica Alba

If we (when I say "we" I mean women for the most part) are preoccupied with food and body image (uh, take me for instance) then we have less energy to spend on other interests.
You know, like saving the world and stuff.

Body dysmorphism is like bondage.
No.
I take it back.
It's not like bondage.
It IS bondage!

Imagine what I could do with my time,
energy,
compassion,
talents
and brain
if I didn't feel so self conscious all the time.

"BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER:
A person with this disorder
sees themselves as extremely ugly...
Sufferers are excessively concerned
about appearance,
in particular perceived
flaws of
face,
hair,
and
skin.
They are convinced these flaws exist
in spite of reassurances
from friends and family members
who usually can see nothing to justify
such intense worry and anxiety.
BDD sufferers are at elevated risk for
despair
and
suicide."
- ANRED

So, here is how I might be able to
handle my
body image issues
AND
use my brains,
talents and energy
in the world.

Here meaning my blog.
Here, my book.
Here, my products yet to be created.

Here's what I can do:
heal,
take note of HOW I healed,
help others to heal.

I'll turn getting well into a helping career,
as an entrepreneur,
with me as a brand,
a helper extraordinaire.

In the meantime, I have an interview this week.
I'm excited.
It's an academic adviser position at a nearby university.
They called me within 24 hours of receiving my resume.
I was ecstatic.

This
feels
great!!

Getting that phone call from their HR department was validation on a HUGE scale for me.

Hey, don't get me wrong.
The wonderful things my readers say to me is also a
HUGE
boost to my self esteem.

I don't mean to overlook the validation I get from my readers.
I need it.
I love it.
I appreciate it.

But that call from ____ University's HR person really made me feel
wanted.
It's just that I've been suffering career-wise
in this 'waiting' mode for a while now.
It hurts.

It will be nice to have
my own desk,
my own money,
benefits,
real clients,
a structured schedule,
a full time job!!

Writing about this makes me feel better.
I didn't even feel my big, stupid, hanging pannus till right this second.

Funny how a bad body thought kicked in just now to threaten my foray into feeling better about myself.

Hmmmm.

If we can notice these thought patterns
and when they attack us,
they can be changed,
right?

I'll see what I can do :-)

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
We should "love ourselves regardless of our love handles!"
Um, yeah.
I am agree.
I'm not great at doing it yet, but I'm learning!
Thanks, Kim!
click here or click below

If fatness were no longer a concern...

from PostSecret.com


"Who benefits financially
when
'obesity'
is considered a
terrible
disease?
Who benefits financially
when people are encouraged
to stop trying to lose weight
and instead focus on healthy behaviors
and love and respect their
(and others') bodies
no matter what
their
size?"
- Dr. Peggy Elam

"Fear ...
unfounded scares,
exaggerations
and
“what-ifs?”
are being used
to terrify
people
about their
foods,
bodies
and
health."
- Sandy Szwarc, BSN, RN, CCP
in JunkFoodScience

Imagine how it would feel to
eat well,
get fresh air,
move around,
cook,
write,
entertain,
and just plain LIVE
without weight-loss as a concern.

I did.

I imagined that taking a walk in the fresh air was something to do
rather than something I needed to do in order to
make my body more aesthetically pleasing to
some prejudiced segment of the population.

I imagined that I had the gastric bypass to help me
reverse my diabetes and become generally healthier rather
than to become Hollywood-thin.


I imagined
eating more for energy
rather than
eating less for the sake of shrinking my body.

I imagined these things and felt liberated.

I enjoyed walking in the fresh air more.
I imagined giant pots of vegetables and tofu.
I imagined loving what I saw in the mirror rather than going YUK when I walked past it.
I imagined cutting off the pannus so I could feel more comfortable rather than to fit into some stereotypical mold of skinny.

I looked back at older blog posts of mine and noticed some things.
One of those things was my low energy level.

I'm tired and sluggish much of the time.
Granted, things are better now that I've lost 140, but I'm still fighting fatigue most of the time
and yes,
even when I was working out I was tired.
Too tired.

I'd like to work on that.
Energy rather than weight loss.

When health is the main concern, I believe a body will find its ideal weight.
Weight loss is not an issue that has to be forced.
Body size happens naturally.

Being more alert,
awake,
energetic,
vibrant,
happy,
focused,
purposeful,
and lively
is not a byproduct of thinness.
That kind of being is the product of healthy living.

You know what I'm learning by perusing the Health At Every Size sites?
Healthy living is not reserved for thin, hey-look-at-my-after-photos folks.

We can live in vibrant health right now.

What would life be like if vibrant energy were my goal?

How would I eat?

How would I dress?

What would I do?

What would I read?

What would I write about?

Right now I feel my fat pannus hanging in my lap.
It's a vexation.
Maybe I'll need to learn to love it before I can ask it to go away.

In the meantime,
I'm imagining a nice pot of
zucchini, carrots, celery, spinach and tofu.
Energy stew.

Mmm, yeah.

Does a body good
no matter what size!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The future of this world is in jeopardy if our young women,
our teens,
our next generation,
is preoccupied with attaining an unrealistic body image.
Shouldn't we be helping them express their talents rather than
telling them to count calories??
They're learning.
They're rebelling against the unrealistic expectations.
They're fighting for authenticity.
"It's ok to be loved and love people back."
Brava, ladies!
click here or click below

love it like it is

"In any case, shaming the fatties
for being “unhealthy” doesn’t f*cking help.
If shame made people thin,
there wouldn’t be a fat person in this country,
trust me.
I wish I could remember who said this,
’cause it’s one of my favorite quotes
of all time:

'You
cannot
hate
people
for
their
own
good.'”
- Shapely Prose

What do you suppose would happen if size were no longer an issue?

What if there was no such thing as being too fat, obese, overweight, heavy, super-sized, or girthy?

Would we be liberated to create more art?

To write more books?

To be involved in more theater?

To participate more as global citizens of the world?

To see more of the world?

To see more of each other?

To revel in our meals?

To revel in our bodies?

To revel in one another?

To dance naked in the sunlight,pleasuring in bodies big enough to contain all our possibilities?

Here's to boldly living the questions.

To read these and more truths, pick up a copy of Paul Campos's
"The Diet Myth" (formerly The Obesity Myth)
and J. Eric Oliver's
"Fat Politics: The Real Story Behind America's Obesity Epidemic."
- Big Fat FActs

Am I hopping on the Fat Positive band wagon?
Not exactly.
Call it the Self-As-Is bandwagon
and since I'm fat, maybe it is fat positive.

Thing is, I want to feel good about myself RIGHT NOW!
Like, right this minute, as I type this, I want to be ok with myself.

Do you know something?
I can FEEL my belly right now.
Right this minute.
As I type this.

I feel the pannus

touching the tops of my thighs.
I can feel the weight of it, the roundness, the heaviness.

WHY?

Why not my feet?
my scalp?
my butt?
my miraculous legs?
my clever forehead?

Why do I feel THAT part of my body and not the others?

That's a problem for me.
The problem is,
I'm sick of feeling like sh*t for what I've got.

Another thing I've noticed: people lash out at me more (online) when I talk about loving myself as is.

Change is popular.
Self acceptance is not.

When I'm busy forcing myself to exercise and "motivate" myself, to change, improve and be something other than what I am now,
I get an influx of support, cheerleading, and 'me-too' 'I-gotta-get-off-my-butt'
stuff from people.

When I'm talking about loving myself exactly as I am,
suddenly little jabs, jibes, complaints and attacks start pelting me like mini bullets,
as if to say 'how dare you love yourself as you are'.

Accepting one's self as is,
warts and all,
fat pannus and all,
moods and all,
age and all,
is
just
not
popular.

Our media driven society is obsessed with
change
and
improvement
and dissatisfaction
and
the gimme more, better, prettier, younger,
go
go
go
be different
hit a goal!

It's giving me a headache.
No, it's worse.
It's giving me a LIFE ache.

I can't stand it anymore.

Does this mean I don't want to change??

Don't get me wrong,
I still want to change.

Yes.
Both sentiments can exist inside a person: the desire to change and the need to love the as-is.

Do I still want the plastic surgery?
Yep.
I want the pannus off, the boobs lifted, the arm flaps cut off.

AND

I want to love myself
right now
as-is
sitting here typing
pannus, saggy boobs, flappy arms and all.

Now you might see why my blog doesn't fit into any category.
It's a natural human tendency to despise paradox, to be uncomfortable with unclear divisions and grey areas.

But I've learned something in this life so far.
This weight-loss-thing,
this journey
is not a paved and painted highway.

There is no on-track and off-track for me.
I'm learning to embrace the meandering nature of life on the road.
On the road to where?

Hm.

I know I'm driving.
I see road up ahead but I also see mountains and tree lines and a horizon.
I'm not exactly sure what the destination will look like.
It's out there waiting for me.

For now, I want to enjoy the scenery.

I want to roll down the window, breathe in the sweet autumn air
and love the car I'm driving.

If that means I need to immerse myself in the fat acceptance movement, then that's what I'm going to do because, for now, I'm still fat.
I'm fat and I want acceptance from myself and others.

I'll do whatever it takes to be ok now, inside and out.

And if I take a walk today (I'm about to)
it will be to enjoy the beauty of the fall day
NOT necessarily
to burn off fat.

If fat burns off me, great.
If it doesn't, who cares?

My heart, lungs, legs and soul like to take walks...
just
because.

So there!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
My sound is not working on YouTube today for some reason.
I can't preview any videos so here is a funny one from one of my favorite comedians,
Louis C.K. that requires no sound.
It's great that he went to so much trouble for a joke (helicopter and all!).
Enjoy!
click here or click below

yang deficiency

“Back then,
the climate of radio seemed to be:
the worse you got in trouble,
the better you did in radio….
Well, that era is over.”

- Anthony Cumia

"The only valid
censorship of ideas
is the right of people
not to listen."
- Tommy Smothers

I'm working on my yang deficiency.
The deficiency is not in my liver or lungs (well, it might be).
It's in my personality.

Yang is a term used in Chinese medicine (Chinese medicine = an ancient system, not some new fangled, new age thing that can be easily dismissed).
Yang energy is associated with
light,
activity,
movement,
rigidity,
strength
and masculine energy.

Dare I add aggressiveness to that list?

Yeah, "dare" being the operative word.
I'm a little too meek when it comes to advocating for my needs and defending my point of view.

I've been apologizing for myself for years.
I've been afraid to stand up for myself.
I've spent most of my life
thinking my opinion was inconsequential
or that my personality was 'too much' and needed to be hidden
lest I offend someone.

That's one of the benefits of listening to a certain radio show in the morning for the past couple of weeks. That energy is helping me act more bravely.
They're empowering me by osmosis.

I've been less people-pleasing...or at least I'm trying to be.
I'm answering my own call to authenticity in
my opinions,
the way I express them,
my attitudes
and my self care.

I'm trying to set myself free so I can freely choose to live a life that I love.

Kinda like Drs. Hirschmann's and Munter's idea about legalizing food.
In their approach there are no forbidden foods.
No foods are judged to be good or bad.
All foods are created equal (as far as their virtue - their goodness).
When a former dieter can really do it, can really legalize all foods,
the craving for certain "glitter foods" dictated by mouth hunger will disappear, and stomach hunger will start insisting on greater variety of nutrition choices.

Meaning, if Twinkies are your favorite food, and if you've been depriving yourself of Twinkies by dieting (and inevitably failing)
you should buy and permit yourself to eat boxes and boxes of Twinkies till they no longer glitter. They will lose their lure, their luster
their inevitable must-have-ness of forbidden fruit.

This works.
Trust me, it works.
I've done it.

Before the bypass I legalized Devil Dogs until I no longer wanted them.

I chose the gastric bypass surgery anyway because my morbid obesity was an urgent threat to my health. I didn't have the time to do the therapeutic work of overcoming over eating.
I needed to lose weight immediately to save my life.

But now that I'm 2 years post-op and only Halfway to Skinny,


I'm ready to renew my commitment to the therapeutic process of getting well.

Take my attitude toward exercise.
If it's something I feel I HAVE to do, I won't do it,
as you can see from my not going to the gym lately.

Pressure me and I'll rebel.

Don't tell me what I can and can't do!
(even if it's myself telling me what I can and can't do).

By giving myself permission to exercise or not,
I'm creating the space in which to
LET
myself be more active
rather than
FORCE
or
PUSH
myself to be more active.

I need the choice to be real.

By the by, these two quotes seemed necessary to this blog post but I didn't know where to stick them (do not insert pun)
so here they are...

"...clients are encouraged
to assume
increasing responsibility
(ability to respond)
for individual
thoughts,
feelings,
sensations;
and to experience the
intimate,
basic
connection between
verbal and nonverbal
behaviors."
- Martin Fiebert

"In addition to identifying the
person's constitution
and body type,
it's also important
to identify what
LIFE-STYLE factors,
such as stress,
poor diet,
and lack of sleep,
are draining away the person's
energy in the first place.
Building a person's energy
without addressing these drains
is like continually pouring water
into a bucket that has a hole
in the bottom of it."
- Colleen Delaney

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I've heard Stevia is great.
Doc Oz recommends Agave.
He also recommends nutritious juices
for their nutrients!!
He says we shouldn't fear their calories.
Our bodies need them - calories and nutrition.
Thanks, Dr. Oz!!
click here or click below

ok now

"A tool for supporting this change
is to read and reread poems
and quotes
that speak
the language of body acceptance
- making these words a mantra
that eventually becomes
as natural for you
to speak
as your negative body talk
is to you now."
- Nomi Dekel MA, MFT

"God made a very obvious choice
when he made me voluptuous.
Why would I go against
what he decided for me?
My limbs work,
so I’m not gonna complain
about the way
my body
is shaped."
- Drew Barrymore

Do you SEE all those
paw prints on the mirror behind me??
Like my cats can defy gravity or something!

I'm eating a cold yet delicious breakfast: chicken, beans and barley with tofu and tomato.
Homemade by me last night.
Yum!

Why is it cold?

I'm eating right out of the big pot that I cooked it in using a plastic fork that was within arm's reach of my computer chair.

Hurley seems to like it too.


Yeah, I let my cats eat out of my dish (or pot).
So?

Hey, if you're a parent, tell me you've never stood over the sink and eaten the leftover food off your kid's plate rather than scrape it into the garbage.

My cats are my kids.
We share food.

Anyway, the food is cold because I didn't feel like stirring it on the stove top to heat it up and microwaving is no longer an option.

Why is microwaving no longer an option?

I threw it away.
My microwave is gone.
Bye bye.
No more.

It was time to make room for my juicer.
Have I juiced yet?
No.
Today is the day before a payday so my refrigerator is a cavernous wasteland of condiments and baking soda.

I'll be shopping for veggies very soon.

In the meantime, I'm eating my cold barley and tofu and
reminding myself that
today
is
a
good day.

I am good.
Life is good.

Or instead of 'good' should I say 'better'?
It's better to eat cold barley than a hot McDonald's breakfast.
It's better to weight 235 ish than 377 ish.
It's better to be able to breathe and move more easily.

Could things be even better than this??
Sure.

But....and everyone loves a big BUTT...
I'm learning.
I'm truly learning to be OK with things just as they are.

That's difficult.
It's a difficult and important step in my becoming well.

I'm tired of the not-yet.
I'm learning to love the now-is.

How am I learning this?
My students are teaching me.

They come to me with their problems and concerns.
They have self-esteem issues.
They doubt themselves.

At some point during their talking with me I see their faces change.

It may be because
I think they're wonderful.

I hear their problems that seem to me to be
temporary life-challenges that they will overcome easily
once they've learned their lessons from them.

My students' magnificent potential is so clear to me.
They're right where they need to be in life with their
glowing potential,
their beautiful curiosity,
and sincerity.

I THINK,
and I'm not entirely certain,
but I THINK that
they see
what I see
in them.

They may sense my unconditional positive regard for them
and that's what makes their faces change.

I'm not sure if that's the case.
But I AM sure
that my sincere acceptance of them
which is true,
and real,
and genuine
is kinda forcing me to sincerely, truly, really accept myself.

I can't tell them to do something and not do it myself.
I won't pass on advice that I wouldn't take myself.
I won't lie to them by saying, 'Do what I say but ignore what I do.'

We teach what we most need to learn,
ya know?

Even creativity-wise, I'm actually starting to consider taking my act on the road sooner rather than later.
I don't have to be all-the-way-cooked before I can take myself out of the creative oven.

Perhaps my idea of 'the finished product' is too perfectionistic,
or too far off,
or completely unnecessary,
a goal that if I meet it great,
and if I don't meet it ....great.

Perhaps 'Halfway to Skinny'
is a one-woman-show/workshop/seminar waiting to be born.

My experiences thus far might be worth sharing RIGHT NOW
just as I am.

This is so radical for me.
The OK-ness of the present?
That was previously unthinkable for me (as you can see from my blog posts).

I don't have to be 137 pounds (still fat by society's standards...oh, by the way, the sequel to 'Halfway to Skinny' will be called 'Still Fat').
I don't have to be post-op plastic surgery before I can
have something to say
that might empower people
or
help folks feel they are not alone,
maybe give some hope
and maybe get a few laughs while I'm at it.

Getting 'out there' is a real possibility.
I've been mistakenly thinking that I had to
look a certain way,
have taken off all the weight,
be some super-fit athlete (or something else that I'm not)
before I could legitimately have something to say.

I hear women beating themselves up all the time with
"I should be..."
or
"I know I have to..."
or
"I really need to..."

as if who/what they are right now is not good enough.

It IS good enough.

You ARE good enough right now

and

if you want to add something new to your life,
great!

Add something new,
but not because there's something defective about you in the here and now.

Possibility is great.
So is the is-ness of right now.

We
are
already
OK.

I'm learning about me by learning from you.

Let's learn to love the now.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This is one of the videos from the 'Dear Body' movement.
"I believe self image is a HUGE issue for all women,
at least in the lives of all the women I know.
I made this not because I hate myself or need an ego boost,
but because when we identify and verbalize our demons (past and present)
we free ourselves- or at least start that process."
Thanks, skygirl181
click here or click below

cool off and sit still

"I was once 534 lbs
and had the gastric bypass
and lost 417 lbs of it.

I have been fighting eating disorders
for my whole life.
I have been obese
and am now
anorexic.
I grew up hearing
'you're such a pretty girl,
if you would only lose the weight'.
Then I went to being tall and thin
with men and women
chasing me
and
wanting to be apart of my life...
I believe that there is too much emphasis
on what people look like
and not enough on
who
they
are."
- My Pink Rainbow

"We really do address things
with brutality...
We're not a sell-out radio show.
We're brutal!"
- Jim Norton on O&A 10/15/08

"I'm not listening to Dr. Oz...
I have a rule in my home:
If you can't do it,
don't you dare advise me!
So all-male gynecology, OUT...
how about mid-wives?
Wouldn't that be hip?"
- Susan Powter

Sometimes the quotes I use in my blog (above) seem unconnected.
Well, maybe they are,
but they address how I'm feeling in the moment as I put my blog together.

Let's start with My Pink Rainbow's quote.
She went from being super-morbidly obese to sickly thin.
And she noticed something.
At 87 pounds (she is battling cancer),
people treated her better.
People accepted her more when she took up less space.
She lost weight, got thin and suddenly everyone wanted to be near her.

That bothers me.

Which brings me to my second quote from comedian Jim Norton.
He talks about brutal honesty.
Brutal means the honesty is gonna hurt.
It's gonna hurt to hear it or read it (or write it). It may be unpopular. It may piss people off. It may show an uglier side of an issue.
But it's real.
The real needs to be exposed so that people know they are not alone in their struggles.
They're not alone in their fears,
their shortcomings,
their doubts
and addictions.

Knowing you're not alone produces powerful hope.
Being real creates hope
and we all know how powerful hope can be.

Be real.
Get hope.

Then we have Susan Powter's quote.
She's criticizing the expert view that comes from outside a situation that can't be expert if it comes from the effin' outside!
Dammit.

Whether it's a public system like healthcare or something deeply personal
like one's own experience,
an expert opinion is one from INSIDE the experience.
Everything else is just opinion.

So here's what I'm getting at.
I HAVE to talk about where I'm at.
I have to be honest.

You may be asking me, "Who's stopping you, Lisa?"
Besides myself and my own doubts and fears trying to stop me,
I do get feedback, comments and emails that are critical.

There was a time during this journey where I was very gung-ho about pushing myself in certain ways.
That's where I needed to be THEN.

I think there are plenty of blogs out there that talk about
staying on track,
keeping up the good work,
sticking to the plan
forcing one's self to do whatever,
to get to the goal...Hooray!
I could not sustain that and still be honest.

I have some serious issues to work through
(and apparently so do many of my readers).

My mental health,
my body image issues,
my career,
my relationship issues,
my creative endeavors,
and my vision for myself
are either in limbo or chaos right now.

I'm under construction.
It's kind of a mess.
Don't step on any nails.

I need to work some sh*t out.

Yesterday, I broke a sweat.
I had done some brisk walking on campus (to get from one place to another, not deliberately for exercise purposes), then did some power grocery shopping (quick, focused and to the point),
came home,
cooked the meal,
straightened out the living room,
and dammit,
I broke a sweat.

I was horribly uncomfortable.
I sat down so I could cool off.

I hated the feeling.

It was awful.
I hated it.
Sweating felt like the worst thing for me
at the moment.

I didn't want to heat up and perspire.

I wanted to cringe.
I wanted to cool off and sit still,
so I did.

I was not in a sweating mood.

I feel like I'm holding on tightly to....well, lots of stuff.
I know I'm doing it.
I KNOW!

Will I get to exercise again?
Get to the gym?
Take walks?
Do yoga?

Knowing me, most likely, yes.

I go through phrases.
Cycles.

Let me tell you something,
two people I know who are 2+ years post op (gastric bypass)
are NOT HEALTHY right now.
I don't want to get specific cuz I don't want to 'out' anybody, but I'll tell you this:
they lost almost ALL their weight
very quickly.

That's too much for me.
It's too much fat to process.
Too many emotions, memories and toxins (both physical and otherwise)
have to be burned off.
My fat and all it's contents (memories, emotions, etc)
needs to leave me at a pace I can handle.

My body, mind and soul can only handle so much detox at one time.

Have I been resisting exercise?
Yep.
Have I been losing weight?
Yep, slowly and consistently.

I'm ok right now.
If I don't want to stir things up too much for myself physically
there must be good God-blessed reasons for that.

I'm done beating myself up for ...well, anything.

This 'back on track' bullshit that I read about in wayyyyy too many blogs
is not for me right now.

I AM ON TRACK!

The track I'm on meanders through all kinds of terrain.
It speeds up, slows down, takes in the scenery, plows ahead full steam,
just life, man, life.

Please be patient with yourself as you learn, grow and adjust
to the grand sweeping changes you're trying to enact in your life.

Hear that self?
Be patient.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Susan The Truth Teller.
Say it, Susan.
Be brutally, beautifully, biologically honest.
I love a woman with a vision!
click here or click below

No M&M's for me!

Oh, look.
If I stick out my chin it looks like I
have a jawline!

I was at the laundromat yesterday.
That in itself was a big deal.
I had the same pile of dirty laundry in my car for 4 weeks. It just sat in the back seat like a stinky passenger as I drove it around for a month. Gross.

Finally I got a bee in my bonnet about it and drove it to the laundromat yesterday.
While my laundry was spinning I multi-tasked by cleaning out my car. The car wasn't all that messy....which is nice. It's nice that my life is not as out of order as it once was. I finished cleaning out the car rather quickly.

With my laundry still in the wash cycle, I was bored.
I tried to read Inner Ream magazine - the holistic health rag they give away for free in public places...like laundromats.

My mind was kinda racy so I was having a hard time reading. Restlessly I organized the magazines on the shelf, stacking them neatly.

I noticed I was hungry.
My stomach was growling (Warning to gastric bypass patients: after the post-op honeymoon expect to experience real hunger again). In the same strip mall as my laundromat there is a deli, pizza place, Chinese take out and a 7-11. In other words, I had plenty to choose from. Yet, I didn't know what I wanted. I sipped a Diet Coke and scowled at the vending machines.

There were 6 different candy choices readily available. When I say 'readily' I mean they were turn crank bubble gum machines that claim to be donating money to charity - a great way to assuage our guilt and make the act of candy-eating seem "good" somehow.

They had Skittles, Peanut M&M's, fruit shaped sugar sprees and some other colorful crap I didn't recognize.

I wanted the M&M's.
In my mind I could actually taste and smell them.
All those sweet textures crunching around in my mind made me want M&M's in my mouth for real.
I stared at the colorful candy behind the glass.

On the floor beneath the candy machine was a single red Peanut M&M. It sat there in dusty muck near the wall. It was a big fatty, slightly misshapen, not perfectly round. It wasn't shiny any longer. It was dull from being a floor candy for God knows how long.

There was a time in my life when I would have bent down (with great effort), picked it up, wiped it off on my shirt and eaten it. Yes, the thought crossed my mind yesterday.

The next thought was to put some of my laundry quarters in the machine, turn the crank and eat a few handfuls, but I knew that would not be enough.

I don't remember a time when I've ever eaten 'enough' M&M's.
I thought of comedian Louis C.K. saying, "...the meal isn't over when I'm full....the meal isn't over till I hate myself..."

Yep.
I know that feeling.
That's why I didn't buy any M&M's yesterday.
I would not be able to eat enough to satisfy me.

The bypass makes me unable to tolerate more than like 3 Peanut M&M's. Even a few would make me so sick. It wouldn't be worth it. The momentary pleasure would not be worth the hour of nausea.

Back in the day, I could have easily, shamefully, packed away a big bag of Peanut M&M's. Not the single serving bag (that really holds two servings) that you buy at the candy store or at the register at the Rite Aid. No. The big family sized bag you buy in the candy aisle at the grocery store.

I would not stop eating till I was too sick to move.
My blood sugar would spike inhumanly high. I'm surprised I didn't have a sugar stroke.

Thank God those days are over.
Thank God.
Thank Me for helping myself.
Thank my wonderful friends for supporting me through the surgery.
Thank my family....thank you thank you thank you.

The bypass has made M&M eating so unsatisfying, I won't even bother with a handful. It's not worth it. M&M's are no longer on the menu.

Hallelujiah!

I hope someone swept up that red Peanut M&M.
It should be laid to rest in the garbage where it belongs.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This clip is from a show on TLC called "I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day".
Her name is Lisa Sellers.
Lisa S.
Like me.
I have great compassion for her.
She knows her binge eating is an addiction.
She needs help and says so!
God, please hear her prayer.
Have mercy on Lisa so she can have mercy on herself.
click here or click below

this is not THAT blog

"This goes hand in hand with why I hate
(yes, hate)
the "fat acceptance lite" idea,
which suggests that weight loss
and fat acceptance can co-exist.
When people lose weight
for weight loss purposes,
they're saying that they are more willing
to support society's limited views on size
than fight for broadening those views
and definitions.
When those same people
later tack on "support"
for fat acceptance,
it feels hypocritical."
- Paul on Fat Blog

"Weight loss programs
tend to cast adults into the role of children,
and they use doublespeak.
They call blindly following instructions
and ignoring your body's needs
'taking control of your life.'
I would call that 'losing control of your life.'
They call organized shaming
and self flagellation 'support.'
I would call that 'mental torture.'"
- deeleigh in her Blog on the Health At Every Size Triangle

Left: 377 lbs, severely diabetic, crippled by fat

Right: 240 lbs, healthier, mobile, still fat

"I have learned that Post-Op
life is not for the faint of heart.
It takes perseverance.
You can't give up.
When the going gets tough,
and bad habits seem to start sneaking back up,
you can't throw in the towel and call it quits.

That's when it takes stick-to-it-iveness!
... so yesterday we messed up.
That doesn't mean that I'm doomed a failure forever.
It means today I get up,
dust myself off,
recommit to do better,
and then go on putting one foot in front of the other....
This wls life is not for the weak.
Its not for the faint of heart.

It's for those who can get back up after falling down,
not afraid to admit shortcomings
(I won't use the word failure)
and walking out of our current situation/circumstances
towards a better life.
Victory comes one step at a time...
walking out of a cesspool
takes place by putting one foot
in front of the other.
So today,
will you join me in
recommitting your life
to the wls rules that we all know?"
- Melinda, Recovering Fatty Blogger

You know why it's difficult to promote my blog??
It does NOT fit into any one category.

Sometimes I'm for size acceptance and health at every size.
Sometimes I feel gung-ho for weight loss surgery.
Sometimes I'm a hardass on exercise and discipline.
Sometimes I'm about being forgiving and completely nonjudgmental.
Sometimes I'm for self-acceptance regardless of...well, anything.

This is definitely not one of those 'exclamation point' blogs....uh...well, sometimes it is...but not enough to place my blog in the Hooray for Diet and Exercise category.

Post-Op rules and the prescribed lifestyle for people who have had weight loss surgery?
No.
You won't find that here.
(But if you ARE looking for that, check out Recovering Fatty blog - click here
Melinda is wonderful!)

I am not about that.
Me?
Celebrate rules?
(rules such as
"...the patient must eat their entire meal in 5-15 minutes.
A 30-45 minute meal will cause failure."
Are you kidding me?
I'm going to fail if I eat?
What if it takes me 45 minutes to eat my high protein, low fat high quality meal?)
No.

Me?
Use the word 'pouch'??
Drink protein shakes that make me feel nauseated just because that's the way I'm supposed to do it???

No.

Hey, there are plenty of blogs out there for the do-it-by-the-rules folks.
Do what works for you.

Just know,
you won't get that here in this blog.

You also will not get
WEEKS
and
WEEKS
or
MONTHS
and
MONTHS
of
NO BLOGGING.

I see plenty of weight loss blogs that are
full steam ahead when things are going "well"
as if the only thing we want to read about is how
someone forced their self to go to the f**king gym
(Hey, I've written extensively about forcing myself to work out, so I'm not knocking it too hard)
or how you're re-committing to your healthy eating (dare I say 'diet'?)
and how wrooooonnggg
and laaaaaxx you've been but
you're back-on-track now!
Ugh!

nataliedee.com

What's going on during your down-time?
There's important stuff going on there.
Stuff that can help other people who LIVE in down-time most of the time to help themselves.
Don't go back and reflect on your 'bad' days after the fact with a sense of shame and regret as if 'down-time' had nothing to teach us.
Tell me about it while you're there!

Here's my point.

BLOG ABOUT IT ALL
not just how things are going well
and ease up off MY back about how I'm doing things.

Hey, some people do blog about their lives,
warts and all.
They blog about the real stuff,
the yukky stuff,
the less-than-perfect stuff.
I appreciate that.
I love consistency when it comes to being honest.

What I DON'T appreciate is the smug,
superior,
bullsh*t positivity
of folks who only blog when they're living up to their dangerously
perfectionistic standards of what everyone's lives should be like
while casting disparaging glances at me.

Don't apologize for not writing in a while then announce that you're back on track with blogging and doing the 'right' thing !! (complete with too many f*cking exclamation points)
as if living any other way is wrong,
as if only part of your life - the socially acceptable hooray-for-being-thin-part-
is worth talking about.

For the most part I avoid those kinds of bloggers.
I don't really care what they do.

Do what you do.
Live your life.
Work out your karma.

Yay, rah for everyone.

I just wish folks wouldn't find MY blog and try to f*ck with me
when I'm trying
SO
F*CKING
HARD
to be authentic about all this.

Look, I'm trying to get well.
I'm still not sure what 'well' means to me.
I'm creating that as I go.

There are days when I think that being 137 lbs with perky boobs and
a lifted, younger-looking face is my ultimate goal.

There are times when I just yearn for self acceptance exactly as I am in the moment, fat and all.

There are times when I want to be a militant-feminist-athlete who looks like Sarah Conner in
Terminator 2.

Believe me, "going for it" is not my problem.
I know how to be persistent,
consistent
and committed.
I know how to "go for it".

Figuring out what "it" is?
That's the tricky part...for me.

I'm working things through, day by day.
I write as honestly as possible
every
blessed
day.

I won't disappear during my not-exercising phases.
I won't hide when I've been eating too many carbs and the scale is kinda stuck.

I probably won't chastise myself to certain people's satisfaction either when I'm not doing things the 'right' way.

You won't find me getting-back-on-track
until I
know
what
that
track
is
and where I want it to lead.

If nothing else, I'm a cheerleader for authenticity.

I'm doing this as honestly as I can.

Every day.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
And there are days when I want to do it
the Susan Powter way.
Eat, Breathe, Move and Think.
I don't want to make myself do it,
I want to LET myself do it.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I love you, Susan.
click here or click below

bad breath from the gut

"Juicing helps you absorb
all the nutrients from the vegetables.
This is important because most of us have
impaired digestion
as a result of making
less-than-optimal food choices
over many years."
- Dr. Mercola

"Bad breath may emanate from
the back of the throat due to sinus or tonsil infections
resulting in excess bacteria.
If you have sinus or throat problems
you may well have some form of allergy...

The stomach
is also an area that causes
bad breath problems
for many people.

Poor digestion,
constipation,
or
bowel disorders
may create
gas
which exits the mouth.

Not enough hydrochloric acid in the stomach
may cause poor digestion,
so undigested food will pass into the intestines,
putrefy
and give off foul gas
which rises up and
causes bad breath.

This problem is quite common
with older people whose body does not produce
enough hydrochloric acid naturally
to aid the digestion process.

Another common digestive problem is due to
the imbalance
of good
and
bad bacteria in the gut.
Food won't be digested properly
and
the result can be acid reflux,
yeast overgrowth,
or fermentation.
One of the byproducts of this problem is
bad breath.

To correct this imbalance,
use a probiotic"
- Health911.com

Almost everyone I know has bad breath.
Everyone I know, everyone I meet, unless they're chewing gum to 'mask' the odor,
just stink
out-the-mouth.

I'm not talking about after-a-meal-food-breath.
I'm talking stink-from-the-inside-of-the-gut breath
that smells like a combination of
stale attic air and fart.

I swear sometimes I think that's my deep-down reason for not being in a relationship.
I HATE to be downwind of anyone's breath.
I feel trapped, like I'm going to suffocate.
Even if they chew gum or mints,
once the candy or gum is gone the stomach stink makes it's way up to their mouth again
and attacks my nose.
Blech.

Hey,
I have bad breath.
I know I have bad breath.

It's difficult to smell one's own breath,
but I do get that stinky,
stale attic, backfire of my own breath sometimes and
YUK!

I just take for granted that I have bad breath all the time.
You'll never catch me in a social situation without a purse full of mints
and Listerine Breath Strips.

If I'm not sucking on a mint or chewing gum or something when I meet you?
Chances are I don't like you,
therefore I don't care if my stink-from-the-gut reaches your nose.

Why my rant about bad breath?

I'm taking a big step today.

I'm putting my microwave and my toaster-oven at the curb outside my mother's house.
The microwave and toaster oven
take up precious counter space in the kitchen of my little garden apartment.

In their place I'm putting my beautiful, new juicer.
I've had it a little over 2 years and I've never used it.

I always have an excuse like:
it's too expensive to buy fresh vegetables
or
it's too much work to wash and chop all those veggies
or
washing the juicer is too much work
or
I have no counter space!

Or my perfectionism stops me.
If I don't buy organic I tell myself it's not worth the trouble
even though I DO buy and eat
frozen
or
canned vegetables all the time as if they had any real nutrition in them.

In the meantime, I'm aging.
I'm dying.
I'm putrefying from the inside out.

I'm so sick of having low energy.
I'm so sick of allergies.
I'm so sick of dull, non-glowing skin
and
I'm really sick of worrying about my bad breath.

With gastric bypass we post-ops suffer all kinds of intestinal stinkage.
It's a mess inside our guts.

Taking vitamins may not be enough to nourish us.
Vitamin pills take a whole lotta digestive work in order to get any benefits from them.
Vitamin pills don't carry fresh enzymes with them.

The vitamins listed on the labels of foods are not necessarily there. They've been cooked, homogenized, pasteurized, preservative-ized and processed past the point of being usable.

Most of us walk around in a dehydrated,
malnourished,
digestive-ly unbalanced,
bad breath-y,
gassy,
state
then we wonder why we're sluggish and sickly all the time.

I can't stand it any longer.

I feel like crap.

I'm not enjoying life the way I could be.

I need some f*ckin' thing.

I'm tired of dead foods and dead energy.
I want life.

Energy,
vibrancy,
glowing,
nourished,
balanced
nutritional health
will most likely make me more capable of joy.

I'm willing to make some big life changes in order to get that healthy joy.

Out with the crappy microwave and toaster oven (appliances I used to prepare dead, preserved, crappy foods)
and in with the juicer!!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Vitamin pills or fresh juice?
Although there are benefits to taking vitamin pills,
they're not ALIVE.
Fresh juice is full of living enzymes.
Make it and drink it IMMEDIATELY while the enzymes are
still living!
Thanks, David Wolfe!
click here or click below

Not fit for visual consumption

“The world
makes you into
a bitch,
no matter how quietly you go,
so you may as well go
kicking and screaming.”
- Roseanne

"The Common Woman is roaring and
the force of her roar
cannot be contained.
She will expose the truth
of the masters of war,
and
bring them down."
- Roseanne

"Women, don't think that
Palin's winking at your man
makes her one of you.
That's what being
a beauty queen
is all about."
- Roseanne

I've been watching stand up comedy for a looooonngg time.
When I was morbidly obese, depressed and sedentary
(as opposed to now when I'm just plain obese,
depressed but highly functioning,
and sorta active)
I didn't accept many invitations to go out at night.
I stayed home.
I watched (and still do watch) lots of TV,
mainly Comedy Central and adultswim.

What do I watch when I'm lookig for some
enlightening political commentary?
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

Socio-cultural observations?
stand ups who are the philosophers of our day

Social satire?
South Park

Pop culture satire?
Family Guy and Robot Chicken

You get the picture.

I like big important issues but I need to laugh to make that medicine go down.

My life was made more bearable by watching comedians.
Roseanne was one of them.

I loved Roseanne since her stand up days.
I'll never forget how she called herself a Domestic Goddess because she didn't like the term 'housewife'.

When she first got her sitcom, I was already a fan.
The show was great from day one.
There was something real about it.
Funny and a bit sad at the same time.
I loved it right up until the last season, even when it got 'weird'.
I sobbed during the series finale.

Roseanne was one of the first 'fat' women I'd ever seen on TV who wasn't the butt of cruel fat jokes.
She was the star.
The alpha.
The big Baddy.
The matriarch.

Hey, I grew up watching Laugh In, Flip Wilson, Carol Burnett and The Sonny and Cher show.
I remember fat women being easy targets just because they were fat.

I remember Mama Cass and how she deadpanned to the camera a la Jack Benny whenever they dropped a fat bomb on her.

I also remember thinking that Mama Cass was not that fat.
I wondered why they picked on her so much.

So, Rosey was different.
Unapologetically fat, loud and relatable.
I loved her.

And,
here's my point for today...
she didn't wait.

She didn't wait to lose weight before embarking on her career.
She didn't wait till she had plastic surgery to be seen on TV.
She was fat, flabby, looked her age and still put herself out there.

I keep watching the recent videos of myself and thinking I'm not fit for visual consumption.
I feel like I should wait to look a certain way before hitting the world with my "products" as if I need to look a certain way before I have any credibility.

I've been catching reruns of Roseanne on Nick and Oxygen.
I see how she changed over the years,
Her plastic surgery, her weight loss, her styling made her look prettier and more sophisticated as time went on.

She didn't look that way in episode one.
but
she didn't wait.

I'm looking to her for inspiration now.
I need to convince myself that I can say what I need to say
without having to look a certain way.

Why wait?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
She was blond for a while recently.
I love the way she looks in this clip.
Roseanne still has plenty to say.
I'm fat.
She's fat.
I'm listening.
click here or click below

tweak your intuitive eating

"You can
feel better about
yourself.
You can feel loved,
accepted,
and vital
—and you can
improve your health—
regardless of whether you lose weight."
- Linda Bacon,
author of Health at Every Size

Hurley and Bosie wanna be
Uma Thurman's eye wranglers!

This approach...
is less about dieting
and more about
lifestyle change that
emphasizes
intuitive eating: listening to hunger signals,
eating when you're hungry,
choosing nutritious food over junk.

It encourages exercise,
but for its emotional and physical benefits,
not as a way to lose weight.
It advocates tossing out
the bathroom scale
and loving your body
no matter
what it weighs.
- NAAFA on Linda Bacon's Health at Every Size approach

Be careful with "intuitive eating".
Our intuitions are effected by our biology.

If you're full of
yeast,
mucous,
inflammation,
food allergies
and you have intestines full of undigested food
(as most of us do),
your intuitions will not be "clean".

You will crave
more sugar,
more refined white flour,
more processed crap
and other unwholesome foods.

Believe me.
I know.
I'm still not cleaned-out intestinally.

If I eat too many pretzels
or
pasta
or
white bread
or
sugar
I immediately suffer the consequences.

I feel fatigued.
I get itchy and rashy.
My blood sugar spikes and drops.
I'm uncontrollably hungry.
I crave junk
and I'm generally uncomfortable.

I'm sure Linda Bacon covers this in her book
Health at Every Size.

I just needed to see it in writing for myself.

I feel better when I eat better.
I feel more energetic and clear-headed when I avoid excess carbs.
Starchy foods,
processed foods,
sugary foods,
make me feel sluggish, foggy and irritable.

"Have you ever eaten something
- a bowl of ice cream,
a piece of cheese,
an orange -
and felt hungrier than before?"
- Dr. Levine on Food Addiction

Yet,
(click here for the science of it),
we tend to crave the foods we're allergic to.

"You can become
'maladapted'
to the foods you crave
and are addicted to.
Then you feel sick ...
Any craved food can be
an addictive
hidden
allergic food."
- Dr. Robbins from Allergy Center

In light of this information
and the undeniable evidence of my own lived experience,
I know I have to be careful with intuitive eating.
Eating pretzels one night tends to lead my craving pretzels the next day.
Eating cereal for dessert one night leads to wanting more and more cereal the next day.
So, if I DO allow myself a starchy treat, I need to be cautious about my intuition to reach for more.

Good news: it gets easier to get off the unhealthy craving cycle once you've done it a few times.

I know that eating "clean" will make the cravings go away.
I know that snacking on raw peppers or celery will satisfy me and make it easier to avoid the pretzels or rice cakes or cereal or whatever I'm eating too much of.

Today my mother and I will be going to our favorite Asian Buffet for lunch.
I've gotten used to avoiding rice and noodles.
I may even avoid the sushi rolls because the rice is just too starchy.

But I had to LEARN to do that.
I had to really fight the urge to eat rice and pasta.
I had to fill up on lean protein and vegetables a few Fridays in a row
to get me off of the carbs-for-lunch cycle.

It worked.
I actually crave the protein rather than the carbs.

My intuitions are better - 'better' meaning more in line with my goals.

*Lisa's VLOG for Ocotber 9, 2008*
Yes, I'm trying my hand at vlogging (video blogging).
Leave me a comment. Let me know how I did!
:-)
click here or click below

Oh, THAT'S why I need to exercise...

nataliedee.com

"If you woke up breathing,
congratulations!
You have another chance."
~Andrea Boydston

“I've got to keep breathing.
It'll be my
worst business mistake
if I don't."
- Steve Martin

Juuuuust when I was about to forgive myself
for not exercising lately,
I had an epiphany.

Well, less like an epiphany and more like a lack of air.

Last night in class, when I was mid-rant, I was suddenly short of breath.

I was on a rant...uh...errr...uh...a lecture.....I was lecturing...
and pacing, as I do, and I broke a sweat.

It's great to pace back and forth, passionately spewing some opinion or bit of enlightening information.
I LIKE teaching from a standing position.
I LIKE covering the room by walking while I'm talking.
I remember the days of teaching from a sitting position.
I don't want to go back to that.

Last night, I was out of breath.
It was an awful feeling.

The other day I wrote about my favorite things to do: thinking and writing.
I said that I didn't need to be in shape to do those things.

I was wrong.

"I was wrong."
- John Locke just before The Swan imploded

See, I also like being able to
EFFING BREATHE!!

I didn't realize I was at the age where I needed to be in training for that.

It's like running every day to be in shape for a marathon.
You have to run a certain distance, daily, consistently, in order to build a fitness level that can handle a marathon.

Apparently, I'm such an out of shape, live-in-my-head, middle aged seat warmer, that the simple act of breathing-while-walking is something I have to train for.

I actually have to work.
I have to build a fitness level so I can speak to a room full of people without passing out.

Ok.
I get it.
I am humbled.

And because I am blessed with amazing people in my life,
I have 3,
yes THREE students
who want to meet me at the gym,
to work out with me,
to keep me accountable.

That's what I need right now.
I need reminders that the strength to live, work and play is not to be taken for granted.
It must be worked for.
It must be earned.

I'm hoping that expanding my lung capacity and getting oxygen to my brain will
help me to BREATHE,
and also
help me regain
a passion for life,
a talent for happiness,
clear-headedness
and purpose.

Yeah, I'm asking a lot of my pulmonary system.
Air.
Oxygen.
Fuel for life.
Spirit.
Inspiration.

Hello, air?
Give me life AND meaning.

Please.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Oxygen = Life"
Just because I'm 'on-hold' career wise doesn't mean
I should be holding my breath.
I gotta breathe!!!
Thanks, Susan!!
click here or click below

intimacy phobe

"If there is a
history of enmeshment
with one of the parents,
often the mother,
in which the (person) was used as a
hero child,
performer,
confidant,
or 'the baby',
then the relationship with a parent
was one in which the child was there
to service the parent's needs,
not the other way around.
That's what they feel will happen to them
and are basically
intimacy-phobic."
- Terrence Real author of
How Can I get Through to You:
Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women.

"We have a fear of intimacy
because we have a fear of
abandonment,
betrayal,
and rejection.
We have a these fears
because we were wounded in early childhood
- we experienced feeling emotionally
abandoned,
rejected,
and betrayed
by our parents because
they were wounded...

Sharing who we are is a problem
for codependents because
at the core of our relationship
with ourselves is the feeling that
we are somehow
defective,
unlovable
and unworthy
- because of our childhood
emotional
trauma."
- Robert Burney, M.A.

Why do I develop crushes on unavailable men?
Must be fear of intimacy...on my part.

And here I thought I was so brave.
Ha!

I was lying in bed last night trying to visualize a happy relationship with someone
(I kept it vague and open) who would love and appreciate me.
I was having a hard time.

I tried to picture DOING stuff with someone, you know, like dating.
It didn't work.

I couldn't imagine enjoying someone else's company that way...
like in a dating way.

What about when I'm with my friends?
Well, that's different.
I have no fear of being
abandoned,
rejected
or
deeply wounded by my friends.

For the most part, the people I'm friends with are
loyal,
decent,
non-competitive folks who truly want the best for me.

I'm having trouble imagining that a love interest can be
the same way.

I'm having LOTS of trouble imagining that I could find happiness in a romantic relationship.

For me, the high of the crush is the closest I've come in a looooong time to anything even resembling intimacy.

Granted, the crush-highs are great hypo-manic fuel for my creative endeavors.
Being in the imagination-stage of the relationship,
the wanting rather than having,
the wooing,
the 'maybe' stage
is exciting.
It's inspiring.

But the having?
the relating?
the being together?
Nope.
Can't really imagine it.

As a fan of The Secret and a practitioner of creative visualization, I'm wondering.
Do I HAVE to be able to imagine it before hand?
or can possibilities manifest without my being able to see it ahead of time?

I wonder.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Working with special needs groups?
I'm seeing that as my career for the next few years.
Service.
That's what I feel I'm good for.
Relationships?
I don't think I have the knack.
Yes, Cheap Drama is an addiction.
Thanks, Dr. Jeanine!
click here or click below

Life lover

nataliedee.com


"The greatest error of all
is in thinking that
the only way for you
to feel good in certain situations
is for someone else
to behave
in a certain way."
-Richard Bandler

What good is getting into shape for a life that you hate??

See, I'm not going to become a counselor/motivational guru/author/wtf
unless I have certain things figured out
FOR MYSELF.

When I've figured them out for myself, then I'll offer them to the public
FOR MONEY.

Until then, I'm working things through.
I'm not saying I have to have it ALL figured out first.
I'm just looking to have a satisfactory foundation upon which to build my ...
empire (?)

Take for instance the list of WHYs we might have in order to get us to ...
I dunno..
let's say..
exercise.

I haven't exercised lately.
Yeah, I renewed my membership at my enormous gym/rec center (that I love even though I haven't been there in weeks).

But I'm having a hard time getting myself to go.

I know what I love to do.
What I love to do (writing and thinking)
does not require me to be in shape.

I've lost enough weight for me to be able to get around more easily.
Our jaunt to NYC the other night was nearly effortless.
Walking, standing on line waiting to get in, more walking,
was pretty darned painless.

2 years ago?
Even 1 year ago?
I would have been in pain, exhausted, wishing I were lighter.

Physically, I've come a loooooong way.

Binge eating?
I'm still an overeater.
Yesterday Marni and I went to a nice buffet for lunch.
I ate past full.
Granted, I ate steamed vegetables, raw mushrooms,
tofu, turkey,
broth, half a low fat waffle with sugar free syrup
and a banana.
Not a terribly destructive binge.

Yeah, I got that too-full incapacitated feeling, but with nearly no guilt
cuz I ate such high quality, nourishing food.

I'm most definitely in a "now what?" kinda place.

Much of my motivation to get thin, strong and healthier was to
LOOK GOOD.
Why look good?
To attract lovers.

Meh.
Screw them.

If they don't like me the way I am then they don't need to bother with me.
I don't need their approval all that badly
and certainly not enough to get my ass into sweats and lift weights.

I've been feeling kinda wide-eyed and perky lately.
I dunno, hypo mania from the change of seasons?
Whatever the reason, my wide-eyed-ness is allowing me to look at my life with clarity.

I'm not terribly excited about my life.

I need to be doing meaningful work FOR MONEY.
Struggling to keep a roof over my head on my part time salary is depressing me.

The waiting game is almost over for the job I'm hoping for.
Just a liiiiiiiiittle bit longer.
Just hang in there, I tell myself.

But this in-the-meantime phase is getting to me.

I'm resisting taking TOO much care of myself.
I don't want to be TOO wide eyed
cuz it hurts to look at how things are for me right now.

Imagine how it must be for other folks.
I look at people who are compulsive eaters,
folks who are considering weight loss surgery,
people battling addictions or depression.

I wonder if they're self-destructing because if they weren't self destructing, they'd have to live their lives...their lives that suck.

Creating a meaningful, fulfilling life is difficult.
THAT'S the hard part.
Not eating right,
not taking walks,
not going to the gym.

Taking care of one's self is easy if one has a
great project
or set of projects
or a fulfilling purpose...a reason to live...a life.

When we have a life to be fit for,
a life we love,
a life that lights us up in the morning,
we naturally gravitate toward self-nurturing habits.

Next thing to figure out: can self-nurturing habits help one
create a life that's fulfilling?

Stay tuned.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Movement expert, Rochelle Rice, unravels our resistance to change
by looking at how we feel about changing our hairstyle.
Hey, anxiety over seemingly small things can lead us to discovering
the roots of our anxiety over bigger stuff.
Great video!
Thanks, Rochelle.
click here or click below

all because of George Carlin

Michael Grant with Whoopi outside the 92nd Street Y

“I am
where I am
because
I believe
in all possibilities.”
- Whoopi Goldberg

Me with Jim Norton.

"Well, I dropped out of high school
when I was a senior
and I went to one semester of
community college.
I always wanted to do comedy
since I was like 12
but I kinda believed it was
a dream that would never happen.

When I started I left myself no safety net.
I kinda made a decision that
this was it.
I was gonna do comedy.

You know I see a lot of guys
and they're like
'Yeah I'm doing comedy
and I'm going back to school'
I'm like well, good luck,
good luck man.

If you've got a safety net
you're not gonna
become obsessed.
To me
to be really a great comic
you have to somehow be
obsessed
with it because
what else is gonna motivate you?

It's like f*ck your social life.
I can't tell you how many
relationships I've blown
because New Years Eve I work.
Birthdays I work.
Anniversaries I work.
I mean to me
that's more important,
you know.

And women understandably
don't want that.
They want a guy
that spends time with them.

But again you can't tell a girlfriend,
'I love you
but you don't compare to this.
You never will.
You know nothing you do for me
will ever be that,
that fucking high.
You know you can't compete
with that.' "
- Jim Norton
on XM Radio's Unmasked

Jim Norton at the 92nd Street Y for
George Carlin: We're Gonna @#$%& Miss You
with Whoopi Goldberg, Judy Gold & Eddy Friedfeld.

I kinda stared at Jimmy
all starry eyed
from the second row
as he stooped to meet
and greet his fans after much
of the audience had filed out.

I felt like such a creeper
but it didn't stop me from staring.
Looking at Jim's eyes in the above picture,
I'm thinking he should be
very forgiving of anyone
with a creepy stare!

I didn't want to meet Jim Norton last night.
It was enough to just be in the same auditorium with him.
The only reason I lingered outside the stage door was so
Mike could grab a pic with Whoopi (see above :-)

Why didn't I want to meet Jimmy?
Well, for one, I had nothing clever to say,
nothing prepared.
Also, he seemed in a hurry and I didn't want to pester him.
And most of all
I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK OF ME AS A FAN!!

Don't call me a fan.

I am..
an
ADMIRER!

There's a difference.

I wanted to meet him socially.
Perhaps as a "peer",
as a writer or academic
but certainly not as a stage-door-hanging,
gushy fan.

Now, I very well may be a gushy, stage-door
creeping fan,
but I don't want him to see me that way.

I deep down,
truly truly
really really
believe that Jim and I can be friends.

Sure
sure
sure
child-like obsession,
star crush,
yadda yadda.

But the more I see of this guy, the more I believe we can
...I dunno...hang out?

The panel discussion itself was wonderful!
It was a tribute to the late Geroge Carlin that focused on his
fierce commitment to free speech.

He, Whoopi and Judy were witty,
thoughtful,
provocative,
and deserved every outburst of applause and laughter from the 60 somethings in the audience.

Oh, yeah.
The majority of the folks were Upper East Side Jewish intellectuals over 50
out for a Sunday evening during the holidays.
This was NOT Jim's usual crowd.

Yet, he handled himself beautifully.
He talked about George Carlin's authenticity as a person and performer.
He railed against the arbitrary nature of censorship today - what's good for Imus ain't good for Jesse Jackson, etc.
He talked about the hypocrisy of censorship coming from the secular left rather than the religious right.

All the while he sat there, very calmly,
self-consciously still,
except for removing his gum with a nice white hankie when the discussion first began.

I was impressed and proud of him at the same time.

Jimmy Norton, the third guy on the shock jock team of Opie & Anthony was quite the erudite discussant on last night's panel,
creepy eyes and all.

sigh

So, yeah, I was happy to have been in the audience.

Then, after the show,
I was content to get a close look at him as I stood in the second row
creepily staring.

Marni and Mike were pressed up against the stage.
They clamored to get Whoopi's attention, but they also said a few words to Jimmy who was distracted but utterly charming.

When Marni asked to shake his hand he was obliging and seemed flattered.
He whisked his way backstage and was gone.

In my mind, the evening was over.
I was ready to go home and talk about all that had happened.

But Marni and Mike prevailed.
They told me I'd regret not meeting him.

But But But...
he''ll be playing around the metro area, including The Stress Factory in
New Brunswick over the next few weeks.

I can meet him another time, I reasoned.

It will be easy to meet him at a comedy club.
He'll be more relaxed, more in his element.
I didn't NEED to meet him right that second.

Well, Mike wanted to meet Whoopi, so we stayed.
We lingered with a few fans outside the stage door on 92nd.
We waited less than a minute.

Jim emerged from the stage door,
looking very good, I must say.
He was all in black except for the design on his t-shirt.
I had noticed his shiny dress shoes when he was on stage.

He really is gorgeous in his quirky,
humble,
self-denigrating way.

He paused for a pic with someone else.
I waited my turn, politely, a few paces back.

When he was free I approached him.
I didn't look him in the eye for some reason. I said,
"You keep looking at your watch, I know you're in a hurry..."

"Yeah, it's just cuz I have a gig downtown,"
he answered as we got into our pose.

This is the part I wish I could play back over and over again in slow motion.

He had on this buttery-soft leather jacket that made his whole being seem soft and cushy.
He warmly put his arm around me (he does that for all his fans...I know).

Now, as you can see, I was prepared for a possible,
upclose encounter, hence the decolletage.

He didn't look.

Not even a glance.

Marni snapped the picture.

As we disengaged from our wrap around pose, I said,
"You didn't even look at my cleavage!"

"I was trying to be polite," he answered affably.

I don't remember if I said something or not.
but as I did (or didn't) I gave his upper arm a little squeeze
through the buttery
leather sleeve.

Then the rest was a blur.
Marni said something to him and smacked his arm.
I turned away in an embarrassed daze.

There were two fans a few yards away, a youngish couple who stopped him for what may have been an autograph.
I was trying not to stare, but I kept stealing glances at him.
Again, he caught me.

Creepy McCreeperson strikes again (me being the creeper, not him).

He may have noticed me looking more than once, but as I said, it was a surreal blur.

He finished with the fans and off he went down 92nd
to catch a cab downtown.

I was floating on air but
I was unsatisfied.
I was borderline unhappy.

Not that he or I could have done anything differently under the circumstances.
But those were not the circumstances under which I wanted to meet him.

He's a nice, appreciative guy.
As a fanboy himself, he knows how important it is to be kind to his fans (and admirers).
Of course he's going to pose for pics and give autographs!

I mean, I could have been anyone and gotten the same attention from him (except look at that smile of his in the pic with me...he looks happy, right? RIGHT??...ugh!)

Picture posing and brief gushing was not what I had in mind.
I wanted to interact with him, talk with him,
not as a fan but as a woman, a person, a potential friend.

Dammit.

He flew to LA today to do press for Down and Dirty
the Friday night comedy series he's hosting on HBO.

He'll be on Leno tomorrow night (Tuesday October 7th)
and on Chelsea Lately Wednesday night (October 8th).

Well, I DO tend to bring people good fortune.
Maybe the timing is right for him to be even more successful than he has been.
I'll flatter myself by believing my energy is part of that.

I dunno.

He deserves great success for his talent,
for his hard work,
for his sincerity
and for his natural tendency to want to share a good thing with others.

It was nice to share space with him.

Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy.

I wonder if there will be more to this story.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Why is Jim Norton's Down and Dirty
a significant contribution to comedy?
Because it's sincere, edgy and unapologetic.
If you don't like it, don't watch it.
I'm just happy that Jimmy and his friends
are living, creating and performing authentically.
Bravi!

"It's a wonderful feeling to have found
something you're good at,
that you love to do,
and that other people think you do well.
Those are the three elements I think that
go into being happy."
-George Carlin

click here or click below

Outside the
92nd Street Y
after seeing
George Carlin: We're Gonna @#$%& Miss You

with Eddy Friedfeld,
Whoopi Goldberg,
Judy Gold
and
Jim Norton

Louis C. K. - chewed up

"The outrage against
what they said is good.
It's healthy.
Go for it.
But keeping them on the air
is more important.

To all my liberal friends out there,
please imagine if they were suspended
for saying that we need to get out of Iraq,
for speaking out against the war.

There is no way you would stand by
and let that happen. "
- Louis C.K. re Opie & Anthony

Hope comes from strange places.
About a year or two ago, my best friend and I watched Louis C.K. for the first time.
We LOVED him.
I watched his new Showtime special, Chewed Up last night.
Hilarious!
I highly recommend it.

He doesn't tell "jokes" per se. He tells stories about his life as a middle-aged married father of two. The blurb on the Showtime Website (click here for air times) says:

The boldly honest comedian and sitcom star delivers a painfully funny set of brand-new standup comedy material in this no-punches-pulled stage performance that lampoons, satirizes, and mercilessly skewers middle-aged American life.

It's all self-skewering.
His self-deprecation is hilarious whether he's talking about how his relationship to female body parts has become a thrice daily diaper change of his two year old or his dialog with his physician about his panicked, unhealthy eating habits.

His doctor was asking him about his diet.
The doc wanted to know how soon into a meal Louis felt sated and stopped eating.
He was trying to understand Louis' eating patterns.

Louis replies:

"...it's just chaos and awfulness..
It's just desperate constant...

'He's like how many meals and how many bowel movements?'

I'm like, I don't know I have no idea
It's just a blur.
I'm just eating and sh*tting all day...

I pack my body to capacity...
Every sh*t is an emergency...
Does that give you some idea of my eating 'habits?'

I don't stop eating when I'm full.
The meal is not over when I'm full.

The meal is over when I hate myself."

And I'm dying, cracking up,
doing the silent mouth-open eyes-closed
super laugh.

For one thing, his delivery is funny.
Very, very funny.

The main thing is
I
can
totally
relate.

But that's not what made me want to write about him today.
I watch funny stand up all the time.

I'm never compelled to write about it
(well...except for Jimmy Norton.
He's more than a comic, though.
There's genius there and I adore him.
The email response I got from him that I
quoted in a recent blog?
I removed it.
Shame on me for publicly sharing something he sent to me in private.
It was innocuous,
and it's not like he said anything
he wouldn't say on the air,
but still.
I should have kept it to myself.
You know I adore a guy if I'm willing to edit my blog for him.
And how arrogant of me to think Jim would even give a crap
about my blog....but I digress).

What made me want to write about Louis C.K.
is the hope he gave me.

He went on a passionate rant about how beautiful his 40 something wife is,
how he doesn't feel an urgent attraction to 20 something girls any longer,
the difference between girls and women,
how he loves the middle-aged-ness of his wife's face...

...wow.

Here's where the hope comes in.
Louis is a very funny,
very cool,
smart,
articulate,
talented,
irreverent,
all-around awesome guy.

If HE can appreciate a woman my age,
then the odds are that there are other guys like
him in the world who will also appreciate
a grown up woman
like me
stretch marks and all.

Hey, I know there are plenty of guys out there who find me attractive.
Trust me.
I have an INBOX full of them.
I'm just not urgently attracted to them.

I was beginning to believe I would have to lower my standards and be grateful for whatever comes my way.
Like I should be happy that ANY guy would want to spend time with me, so I should take what I can get and
forget
about smart, funny, insightful, irreverent, awesome, cool guys.

Smart funny insightful awesome guys are rare
(or not...maybe I need to get out more).
I figured the odds of me finding one who likes ME
were slim to none.

I figured I was at the age where I'd have to settle for anyone who finds me attractive.

But Louis C.K. made me think otherwise.

Great guys aren't necessarily youth-obsessed,
shallow jerks who would look at me
and go
YUK.

Great guys can also be cool
and
deep
and
into me.

If there's one,
chances are
there are more.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could have one who's as funny as Lou?

Ah well.
That's the hope.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
WARNING: Adult content.
Louis C.K. talks about the way we cover up our public binges
and the inevitable need for larger pants.
So funny.
Only a fellow binge eater can understand.
click here or click below

Jesus Thighs

"If you ask people
what they want,
they usually talk about
wanting what they don't have,
rather than what they already do have.
They tend to ignore
and take for granted
what they already have
and enjoy,
and only notice
what is missing."
- Richard Bandler

"The only difference
between the beauty
of one person
and the beauty of another
is the concept
of beauty
that people have."
- Don Miguel Ruiz

I remember how I felt right after the gastric bypass (August 2006).
Breaking the scales at 377 pounds, I prayed for the day that I would be 50 pounds lighter, just enough to take some of the weight off my poor knees and ankles.

50 pounds later I prayed to lose 100 pounds so I would be able to look better in clothes, curvy rather than meatball shaped.

Part of me knew that wouldn't be enough.

I knew in my head that as I hit my first couple of weight loss goals, that I'd still be tempted to look in the mirror and have that YUK feeling.

I'd still feel not-good-enough.

Was there ever a time when I WAS good enough?

I think back to my teen years.


What would I give to have that body back?
But at the time, I hated my body.
As a teen I looked in the mirror and thought, YUK.

I remember walking on the boardwalk with my skinny girlfriends.
We couldn't have been more than 16.

There were two "older" guys (couldn't have been more than 30)
sitting on a bench checking out the passers by.

As we walked past them, my skinny girlfriends were walking a few paces ahead of me.
The men voiced their approval, not to us directly, but loud enough so I could hear them.
This was 1980 so the word "hott" wasn't part of the vernacular.
They said something like "nice" or "foxy" as my girlfriends walked in front of them.

My short legs and I trailed a few paces behind.
As I walked past them with my fat thighs at their eye level one of the men said,
"Jesus Christ" with a tone of utter disgust.


I was crushed.

Part of me was just plain mad.
I wanted to yell at them.
I wanted to say, "This isn't a beauty pageant! I'm a person! You hurt my feelings!"

But I didn't.
My girlfriends didn't hear them.
It was a non-event,
except I never forgot.

I internalized that comment and let it color my self image.

Was it the first time I'd been criticized?
Hell no!

I had been called 'Lisa Pizza' and 'Fats' since 1st grade.
I had internalized other people's cruel remarks and turned it into
a nearly impenetrable disgust for myself.

I've been holding on to my self-contempt for so long, I don't even remember a time when I felt good about myself.

This will take some undoing.

Is it simply about looking pretty or living up to society's standards of beauty?

I don't think so.

Not only do I want to be leaner, stronger and more healthy,
I want to heal my self esteem.

Like I said before,
I'll learn as I go.

On the job training.

Me and my 'Jesus Christ' thighs.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I LOVE these student films.
She says to "be realistic" about what our bodies should look like.
When we get right down to it, what IS real about our bodies?
As Yoda said, "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."
I'm glad this student is learning at a young age to love what IS about herself.
She did this video for a project in health class :-)
click here or click below

Melt Up

"If we really
love ourselves,
everything
in our life
works."
- Louise L. Hay

Yesterday's meltdown didn't leave me too melted.
It could have been worse.

In the past my response would have been
to binge
to the point of sickness
and/or
take drugs to go numb,
cry myself to sleep
and hide out from the world for days.

This melt down wasn't that bad.

Did I mope and cry in bed?
Yes (in my defense, I AM fighting an upper respiratory infection)
I moped and cried in bed...for a bit.

As I was lying there snuffling,
having a one person pity-party,
I contemplated relief.

In the past, relief came in the form of a super-binge plus drugs.
I thought about it.
Then thought, "Nah."

Truly, a binge plus drugs didn't appeal to me.

I had enough energy and money to make the binge happen, but I didn't really want one.

Realizing that I didn't really want to self-destruct
made me feel a bit better.

I napped.
Woke up hungry
and
cooked myself a GOOD dinner.

I had next to nothing in my cupboard, but I made do.
I whipped up a pot of chicken with kale and barley.

Yum.

I sat in my pretty-darn-clean living room eating my home cooked feast
and noticed how good I felt...despite how bad I felt.

A cool autumn's-a-comin' breeze came through my window along with some linger-longer cricket sounds.
My homemade food was delicious.
My beautiful cats luxuriated around my living room as I ate.
I had hope for my future.

"Not bad," I thought.
Life is not that bad.

The 'yucky' feeling I had about myself earlier in the day subsided to a dull ache.
I was inching my way toward an "Aww, screw you if you don't like me" place.

And here I am this morning.
Pretty darned fine.
Slightly yucky, but more good than bad.

I understand what I'm going through.
Lost time is a difficult loss to overcome.

I WANT MY YOUTH BACK!

Not just because I'm youth-obsessed (if indeed I am),
but because I want a
DO OVER!

I wasted YEARS on my eating disorder, drug addiction and depression.
I hid out.
I cringed from life.
I avoided living.
But time didn't avoid me.

Time kept on ticking.
Time kept on passing.
I aged.

Avoiding life didn't protect me from getting older.
Now that I'm knee deep in middle age
I feel regret.

I don't want to waste any more time.

Seeing myself on video reminds me that I'm not in my 20's any more.
Time happened.
I happened, even in my state of being half-alive.

I want to turn back time.
I want another chance at my 20's and 30's.

That regret,
that wanting,
manifests as a 'yucky' feeling
over my appearance.

See?
I understand myself.

Now for the harder work of
forgiving myself.

In the meantime, I'm pleased with my mixed bag of self-care and self-doubt.
I'm improving.

I'll get better at this as I go
kinda like
on the job training.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
A little random GO VOTE propaganda with
the hottness of Jonah Hill, Natalie Portman
and other cool celebrities.
Thanks to Julie for this one!!
click here or click below

Self Esteem in the Sh*tter

Please enjoy these
horribly unflattering
pictures of me.

And when you're done,
scroll down to my
equally horrifying video.
I suck.

I've lost 140+ pounds but I'm still fat.

I've done so much work on my body image and self esteem and I still believe that
I suck.

And I feel like a god-awful phony.
Yeah, a disingenuous, god-awful, fake.

I must be.
I must be a fake because I'm so dammed preoccupied with my appearance
even though I KNOW
a person's self worth is not tied up with how they look.

I KNOW this because I look at folks whom
I KNOW
are not what society would deem "attractive"
and find true beauty in them.
Like really, really.

Puh-lease.
Just look at some of the men I've been attracted to (no, please don't).
I actually believed they were soooo good looking.

I KNOW
beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I also know that there are plenty of people who find me attractive.

Too bad I'm not one of them.

I'm like the person who prays to God to let them win the lottery so they can prove that money won't ruin them.

That's me.

I want to hit the Appearance Lottery just to prove I'm not shallow.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck!!!

Introducing myself to a certain someone I'm going to see on Sunday???
Noooooooo.
No effing way.

Nope.
Nuh uh.

Not even going to risk further damage to my self esteem by doing that.

Not with my self-confidence in the sh*tter.

I'm looking at a video of myself (click here) taken last night in class.
I don't walk.
I lumber.

I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH THAT!!

I don't FEEL like I lumber.
I FEEL like I glide.

I FEEL light.
I FEEL agile.

But
I
don't
look
that
way.

I look like I'm heaving and wheezing my hefty bulk around like a steamer trunk on fat tree stumps.

Oh, man.
This is gonna take some seeeeeerious work.

I'll have to do some intense self-esteem work to overcome today's horror of looking at myself.

AND

It will take more work than I thought to reach my weight loss goals.
And plastic surgery goals.

And I feel like a horrible fake for writing about not postponing happiness till we look a certain way.

Right now I want to go hide out in bed and not leave the house....ever.

I'm almost grateful that I'm kinda fighting a sore throat.
I SHOULD be in bed to nurse myself back to wellness.

That's where I'll be with an imaginary bag over my head.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Me during break from my evening class.
I'm eating a low fat bran muffin.
Darren is eating his Chex Mix in the background.
Thanks to Marni for filming.
click here or click below

Love My Scars

"I think
scars are sexy
because they mean that
you made a mistake
that led to
a mess."
- Angelina Jolie

Yeah, I have scars.
I was watching a stand up comedian talk about how awful it is to be fat and have an appendix scar.
I wanted him to lift his shirt and show it.
Scars are interesting and sexy!

Besides thinking scars are sexy...he got me thinking about my own scars.

Yeesh.
I'm a hot mess.

I've gotten so accustomed to my scars, I sometimes take them for granted.
They're such a part of me.

The long scar on my left leg from the bone graft when I had the non-union fracture at age 18.

There's my giant railroad track scar from TWICE being opened up for my gastric banding (1988 and again in 1992). They didn't do it laproscopically back in the day. They gutted me stem to stern.

I have scars from the flesh eating bacteria disaster when I was covered in gaping boils back when my blood sugars used to rise to the 600s and 700s (2004).

I have 5 or 6 little brown spots from my life-saving gastric bypass (2006) that was done laproscopically. The little brown spots are the scars from where the laproscopic instruments went into my abdomen to remove the old, scar-tissued gastric band and revise it to a gastric bypass (nearly 6 hours on the table).

Whew.

I've been through some sh*t.

It's funny.
When I imagine all the plastic surgery I'll be having (body lifts and a face lift),
I never imagine removing my scars.

It doesn't occur to me.

I must be ok with them.

My scars are like a roadmap of my struggles.
Almost like trophies.
Hmm, maybe exactly like trophies.

The inscriptions say
I SURVIVED.

Maybe I have more self esteem than I give myself credit for.
I'm actually OK with something about my body that the world might perceive as a 'flaw'.

Hmph.

So, there.

My scars.
My life.

Don't f*ck with them.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Every Winner Has Scars!!
"The real test of living is how you take each experience
and make it a thing of worth and beauty."
Guess I've fulfilled one of the necessary conditions for being
a winner!
Thanks, Max Steingart of Your Daily Motivation.
click here or click below