till what??

I looked in the mirror and thought, "I have a long way to go."

Then I wondered "till what?"

Till I can be happy?
Till I can go after a great job?
Till I can be a serious author, speaker, self-help guru?
Till I can be in a relationship?

Till I can truly enjoy life??

I don't think I want to postpone any of that any longer.

When we were at Sabbath service Friday night I was looking around at the congregation.

So few of the women were shaped like this...


Most of us were shaped like this...


or this...



Wanna know something?
They all looked happy.


All of us were dressed up to honor the Sabbath.

All of us were there to stand before G-d and sing, listen, share, socialize, hug and remind ourselves how precious life is.

I thought about the women in the room.
These were not red carpet celebrities.
These people get up every day and DO things with no paparazzi flashing at them.
No cameras holding them up as icons of Hollywood beauty.
They create meaning in their lives.
They work.
They volunteer.
They live.

If I spend too much time feeling horribly unacceptable I'll miss out on my life's purpose.

I'm not sure WHO cares about how I look.
I think I care more than the rest of the world does.

My students on Wednesday night...
Will they get a richer educational experience if I look a certain way?

I don't think I should wait any longer.

Cuz that's what I feel like I've been doing.
I've been waiting.

Calling myself 'Halfway to Skinny' was shorthand for 'Halfway to Life'
and that should not be.

So the question is,
what will I do?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Middle aged women with eating disorders?
Yeah.
We suffer.
We need to get well so we can LIVE and help others.
Pressure to maintain a youthful appearance?
Um..yeah!
But who's pressuring us and how to we make it stop?
click here or click below

In Holy City walk walks you!

Refreshed after Shabbat worship at
Kahal Kadosh Beth Elohim synagogue in
Charleston, South Carolina.

Last year I felt pressure to do the right thing.
I know because I blogged about it (click here).

Last year at this time I had to FORCE myself to take a walk on the Charleston battery.
Walking was something I HAD to do.

Wow.
Things really do change.

Yesterday I WANTED to take a walk.
Not because I had some daily commitment to keep,
not because I felt pressured to do 'the right thing',
but because I REALLY WANTED TO TAKE A WALK!

Imagine that.

So I did.
I walked.

As I walked on the sunny high battery
I was lost in my head thinking about the upcoming semester.
Ideas for programs generated a list of pros and cons.
Topics for discussions popped their snouts above the water in my brain as the little waves of Charleston Bay made tiny splashes below me.
The sun was strong.
I was glad to be replenishing my tan.

And then I yanked myself to consciousness.
After all that thinking
I was somehow at the end of the high battery.
I had reached the park nearly effortlessly.

I forgot that I was walking!

That's a huge change from last year.
Last year I wrote: "I... feel like the lurching monster who drags her sorry, tired ass out onto the pavement where I limp along, dripping sweat unattractively and struggling every step of the way."

Was walking really such a struggle for me last year?
Yeah, I guess it was.
Good thing I blogged about it so I can remember where I've been.

THIS year?
The walk walked me.

This year, I walked because I wanted to get out in the sunshine and enjoy the battery.
This year, I was a little sore but not sore enough to take an Advil.

I haven't taken any pain killers yet.
All the airport walking, all the battery walking, climbing up and down the stairs here, none of it is causing me any kind of real pain.

Hallelujiah.

It's good to be a walker in the Holy City.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
And here we go!
The opening shot in this short video is EXACTLY
where I became conscious and realized I had walked to that spot
at the end of the high battery.
You'll see a nice shot of the park, too.
This is my beloved Charleston!
(This is a video I found on YouTube. I don't know the folks in this clip)
click here or click below

favorite-ing what

I'd rather be home planning for the Fall semester.

I don't know what the hell is the matter with me.
I'm in one of my favorite places on earth, Charleston, South Carolina
in my favorite room in my favorite house with some of my favorite people.

And my first thought in the morning is WHERE'S MY MORNING SNUGGLE-FEST WITH BOSIE the ZEEK, XANDER, Hurley...Gabriel...Sebastian?
Then it's time to wish I could be working on my lesson plans.

Well, good thing I brought a laptop with me.
I actually CAN do work while I'm here.

Part of me is enjoying the loveliness of this place.
Most of me is restless.
But I know I have the power of choice over my own mind.

It takes effort to enjoy the present moment.
I'll have to yank my thoughts into place today.
There's a beautiful, sparkly morning outside waiting for me to enjoy it.

If that means I have to force myself to breathe it all in and JUST RELAX then that's what I'll do.

Even relaxing takes effort?

Sheesh.

When will I give myself a break?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The mind can be changed, right?
It's wisdom as old as thought itself.
click here or click below

wanting at the register

"Habits
begin
with
thoughts."
Wayne Dyer

The point of sale decisions are seemingly harmless but over time they add up.

Point of sale decisions include purchasing soda when water would be a better option.

Point of sale decisions like saying 'yes' or 'no' when the waitron comes to offer you the dessert menu (get the fresh fruit, trust me, you'll feel better).

Point of sale decisions like giving in to or refraining from
automatic-eating at a party,
or
eating something because it's free,
or
declaring it a 'special occasion' so all bets are off,
or
grocery store impulses.

I almost bought sugar free drink mix at the Dollar Store yesterday.
They had my favorite fruit punch flavor.
Cheap cheap cheap!
I thought to myself,
"Oh, cool! Let me stock up."

Then it dawned on me,
"I haven't been remembering to buy drink mix lately.
I wonder why."

I was just about to load up my hand basket (that thing you ride to hell in)
with drink mix when I DID remember.
I hadn't bought drink mix in months for a reason.
It wasn't because I had forgotten to buy it.
I had chosen not to buy it because I wanted to ingest less artificial sweetener.

Yesterday
I did NOT purchase the drink mix.

That's how you kill old habits.

When they tempt you,
when they sneak back into your life disguised as
something harmless,
something that was always 'ok' so 'why not',
that's the time to say
NO,
you were kicked out for a reason.
Stay the hell out!

Also a great skill to use when repelling evil exes.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
When it's time, don't be seduced by the easy choice.
Make the right choice instead.
click here or click below

add water, dissolve ego

"If you can
recognize
illusion
as
illusion,
it
dissolves.
It's survival depends
on your
mistaking it
for reality.
In the seeing of
who you are not,
the reality of who you are
emerges
by
itself."
-Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth

I just Tweeted that I hate to travel.

I said it and now I'm rethinking it.

Do I REALLY hate to travel??

Well, there are things I do not like about traveling.
I don't like leaving my cats.
I don't like being away from familiar surroundings.
I don't like modifying my habits.
In the past I've gotten motion sick.
Finding the right foods is difficult.
I feel guilty about relaxing when I have
SO MUCH TO DO!

I guess I have a choice.
I can replay and reinforce all those dis-like-y things
in my head and have a miserable time
this weekend (I'm leaving for Charleston in the morning)
or
I can focus on all the things I LOVE about traveling.

Being away from the home front means
there is no housework to do,
no cooking to do,
no driving to do,
no chores,
no errands.

Being away from the home front means
I can sit and read in the sunshine,
take walks on the water front,
gain a new perspective from new surroundings,
dress up every day so I don't languish in dirty hair and sweatpants,
be in the company of people instead of being so isolated,
go to church and synagogue,
listen to music I wouldn't normally listen to,
and relax maybe?

(P.S. I could do all those things at home too if I develop a knack for it.)

I put so much pressure on myself.
I feel like a failure if I'm not doing something productive at all times.

Geez, Lis.
Lighten up!

Hear that self?
Lighten up!

Today I will ENJOY preparing for my long weekend in The Holy City.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The Jariscope folks say that
their mission is to
give caring people hands-on practical tools,
processes, and community support
for turning the alienating, inauthentic,
and dehumanizing influences of postmodern life
into the very energy and essence of change.
"Tune in
Cross over
and
calm down."
Worry is a form of ego.
It's my way of wanting to control everything.
Water and breathing are simple ways to LET GO.
click here or click below

Little Lisa

"...you can only maintain any memory,
belief,
understanding,
or other mental process
from one day to the next
if you continue to do it.
Therefore,
it's still going on...
you can change it
whenever you don't like it."
- Richard Bandler

Left to Right:
Lance Micklus (my brother),
little Lisa (me),
Cathy (Lance's fiance).

Left to Right:
My brother from another father,
Lance (founder of the Teddy Bear Monastery),
Ada (my mother),
Tony (my nephew),
Pat Sargese (my dad),
and me with my
chubby,
beautiful,
perfect
legs.

Yesterday one of my blog readers said to me that they hoped I'd let my parents know they are responsible for my obesity and eating disorder.

Whoa.

When I write about my childhood I do it as an explanation.
I'm not looking to place blame on anyone.

I worry about the stories I tell here and in the upcoming book.
The stories from my childhood surrounding body image and eating
tend to make my mother look like a villain.

There are plenty of arguments in favor of her villain-hood, believe me.

Villain or not, I'm not looking to blame her.
That is not why I go through the exercise of looking back at the contributing factors to my eating disorder.

As a matter of fact, through writing and blogging, I've noticed that understanding the past does not necessarily lead to lasting change in the present.

Understanding can give you PERSPECTIVE.
Sometimes getting a new or more clear perspective can give you more power to change a situation.

Sometimes getting stuff up, unclogging, un-hiding, naming and owning something from the past can help you get a grip on it so you can better change your PERSPECTIVE on the past.

You can go from victimhood to empowerment,
from despair to lightness,
from blame to responsibility
and you can make a molehill out of what used to be a mountain.

Beginning when I was 7ish or 8ish I remember being hungry in the evenings after dinner.
I would have been a night eater if I had access to food.
Perhaps that deprivation led me to the ravenous state I found myself in as an adolescent and find myself in now as an adult.

Knowing that about my past does not necessarily help me now, at 44ish,
when it's 8:00pm, Jon Stewart is cracking wise on the TV
and I want food.

Having food in the house that's good for me is helpful.
Being mindful of how my food choice can either advance me toward or set me back from my goals is helpful.
Giving myself permission to eat is helpful.
Talking nice to myself as I eat a sugar free ice pop is helpful.

Looking back at my hungry childhood, I can reframe it.
Was I hungry 100% of the time?
No.
Were there ever times when I felt fed,
loved,
cared for,
nurtured and satisfied?
Yes.

I may not rewrite my past, but I can dwell on things that empower me from my childhood rather than the things that hurt me.

Childhood is over.
Only what I repeat over
and
over
and
over
in my head survives.

It's helpful to replay the memories that make me happy.

I think.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
We can choose our thoughts.
We can choose which memories to dwell on.
We can choose healthy, life affirming activities.
Please remind me of that when I'm feeling powerless.
click here or click below

Inner eater, Inner child

"Some people will
look you straight in the eye
and tell you the reason they are
the way they are
is because of something that happened long ago
in their childhood....
you can pretend
you are having your childhood again,
and you can go back and change it...
the event is 'unfinished,'
so you can go back and 'finish' it
in a way that you like better.
That's a great reframe,
and it's a very useful one."
- Richard Bandler in Using Your Brain for a Change

Man, oh man, I can eat a lot of food at one sitting.
I ate 8 stalks of celery last night.
That's A LOT for someone who's supposed to have a tiny stomach.

I did do very well with the Fiber One cereal, though.
Instead of eating half a box, I ate one serving.
Still wanting more food I ate sugar free jello, sugar free ice pops and 5 rice cakes.

Yes, that's a HUGE amount of food for someone who's had a gastric bypass.

It made me realize that regarding my portion sizes, I'm on my own.
The surgery is no longer working in that way.
The malabsorption is over.
The diminished portions are up to me.
The only obvious remaining benefit of the surgery is my inability to tolerate oily, greasy or processed foods.

Realizing this made me appreciative.
I deeply, gratefully appreciate my willpower.

There's that dreaded word: willpower.
But I have to call it that.

This is the stage of the surgery that trips people up.
Folks who are able to eat normally tend to gain back weight when they are able to eat semi-normally.

There's no way I'll let that happen to me.
I've come too far.
I've worked so hard.

If I'm going to be hungry for lots of food,
and I'm going to eat lots of food,
I'm going to be sure the food is low fat, high quality,
OR
super low calorie.

That's the way it has to be now.
If I want to reach my weight loss goals
and keep the weight off,
I have to be mindful of what goes into my mouth.

I knew the surgery would only help me to a certain point,
and it did.
Now it's up to me.

The inner work has to be done.
My inner eater,
little,
hungry
Lisa
wants to be fed.
She needs love,
kindness,
understanding.

Whatever hurts I'm still carrying from childhood need to be healed
BY ME.

I'm going to feed me.
I'll feed me tasty things.

At the same time I'll be mindful of my goals.

It IS possible to love,
coddle,
and
nurture
my inner child
and
at
the
same
time
work,
form,
and
shape
my
middle-aged
body.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
My inner child must be tended consistently.
We all have one.
Are we treating her disdainfully or lovingly?
Failing to connect with that child leaves her wounded
and keeps us stuck, sick, addicted and unrealized.
Pull Yourself Out of the Mud! author
Tamara Johnson
says, Boycott the Mental Health System and Learn
to Heal Yourself!
Click here or click below

My Inner Eater

"Dear Swingline:
Stomach stapling
sounds like something
you could do yourself at home.
I will somehow sue you
for what I just did."
- Joshua Green Allen

"If you eliminate the impossible,
whatever remains,
however improbable,
must be the truth."

- A. Conan Doyle, The Sign of Four

"All language
is a drunk goddess
in my mouth."

- Aaron Link

It may take me a while but I get around to keeping my word.
Months ago I was blogging about running,
how badly I wanted to run,
how wonderful it would be to feel the feeling they're selling
on those Nike commercials.

Then I went into a kind of 'downtime' on exercise.

During my downtime
I remembered what I had said about running,
but it no
longer held any fascination for me.
I felt like a liar.
I felt like I had become a different person,
someone who had no interest in running,
ever.

How funny that the desire to run never left me.
It stayed.
It waited, dormant, in hibernation.
And now, even if it's starting out as
walking with intermittent jogging,
I've been running.

It's a feeling I've missed for most of my life.
The feeling of the world whizzing past my peripheral vision,
the feeling of speed,
of covering ground,
and knowing that
MY LEGS
are moving me along.
MY LEGS
are making me
GO FAST,
me,
my body,
MY LEGS!

I'll never stop.
I'll be one of those crazy 70 something year olds who still runs every day,
gets funny looks or encouragement from passersby,
who gets the occasional article written about them,
maybe shows up on a motivational poster like this one...

When I say I'm going to do something,
I usually,
almost always,
kinda reliably,
do it,
even if there's a time delay.

Like the food diary.
I'll actually do it 2 weeks prior to my visit to the surgeon's office
(the length of the food log is supposed to be 2 weeks' worth of eating).

But just because I'm not doing it right now doesn't mean it's not on my mind, shaping my food choices and helping me.

Anticipating the food log, imagining that everything that goes into my mouth is being written down has helped me be more aware of my mouth hunger and how I satisfy it.

I'm more aware of my evening eating.
I've been noticing the calories I consume after sunset
and while watching TV.

Of course my old diet mentality tells me to stop eating.
DON'T EAT AT NIGHT!
STOP EATING IN FRONT OF THE TV!
TAKE UP KNITTING OR SOMETHING!
Then there's the internal name calling,
the finger wagging,
the you-know-better-than-to-eat-so-much
inner dialog.

Then my inner child,
my hungry girl,
my inner eater says,
"But
but
but
but...
I want to eeeeeaaaaaaaattt!!!"

So, what's my strategy?

I'll tell you one thing for sure,
the old way of deprivation and attempted starvation
will NOT be employed.

Dieting has not worked for 44 years, why would it suddenly work now?
It should work now because I have a bypass??

No.
I don't think so.

If my mouth wants food at night, food it shall get.

And guess what.

When I get the late night munchies, my mouth does not distinguish between food with calories and food with zero or few calories.

My mouth just wants to eat.

Sugar free Jello?
Fine.
I'll eat 4 or 5 of them if necessary.

Sugar free ice-pops?
Half a dozen if that's what I feel like.

Want something salty/crunchy?
Salted fresh vegetables are just as satisfying as chips.

When I'm spaced out in front of the TV,
the hand to mouth movement,
the crunching,
the salty satisfaction
is the same for popcorn as it is for radishes or celery.

Fresh peppers?
Rock on!

Feeling fed, I breathe a sigh of relief.

How much do you want to bet I start losing pounds with ease?

It's a safe bet.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Not that I'm encouraging the consumption of
sugar-free diet foods.
Just cuz I'M doing it doesn't mean it's good for you...or me...or lab rats.
I love the taste but hate the side effects of Coke Zero.
Consider this a Public Service Announcement.
click here or click below

Sunny Walker

"You can be fat
and love yourself.
You can be fat
and have a great damn personality.
You can be fat
and sew your own clothes.
But you can't be fat
and healthy."
- Susan Powter

Building
building
building a fitness level.

Walk by walk,
morsel by morsel,
breath by breath,
thought by thought,
I'm building.

I hate to think I'm getting fit just in time to die.
I want to build a fitness level just in time to LIVE!

There's a reason they call it Middle Age.
Mid-life means there's lots more life to come!
I fully intend to live.

How ironic that I spent (misspent) my younger years in a sick,
sedentary state.
I lived like an old, infirmed, disabled person.

Now that I'm older, the vigor of youth is something that has to be worked for
and preserved.
It takes effort.
Too bad I didn't appreciate my young, effortlessly healthy body back when I had it.

Ah, well.
That's my karma.

I can't turn back time.
We can only move forward.

Today, I moved.
I took a nice, sunlit walk over to the farm stand to buy some geraniums for my garden.

I could have driven.
The plan was to take my car there, then drive to the gym.
But I rethought my plan.
I have all winter to go to the gym.
The sunny summer will be here for just
a little while longer.
So, I opted for a sunshine walk.

The trip there and back took about half an hour.
I didn't huff.
It wasn't brisk.
Yet, I felt like it was a GOOD walk.

I paid attention to my feet.
I placed them on the sidewalk gingerly.
I didn't clomp.
I took care of my fragile knees and ankles by walking gently and deliberately.
I breathed deeply,
looked up at the sky and thanked God for the beauty of the day.

And now I have geraniums!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Your body is no one else's business
and if you've decide to love it, that's the end
of the discussion."
I like how she says she can carry a few extra pounds and
not be considered a "failure as a woman".
Thanks, Tina Mahle of HIFY (Health Initiatives for Youth)!
click here or click below

Brain Pain

"You are where your mind is."
- Alter Rebbe

"You are in the
driving seat of your mind,
there is no one else
in your mind
except you
and
you can choose to think about
whatever you want.
And those thoughts
become your reality,
they shape your reality,
they shape
and
change
the way you see
and
understand
yourself
and
the world."
- The Urban Guru

I'm walking around in a weepy, fragile state today.
Dammit, why??
Why am I focusing on the rotten things instead of the good things?

I'm out from under over a third of my crushing debt.
My classes were moved to the big, nice lecture hall with the giant screens so I can show my signature movie clips.
I'm going to Charleston next week.
I'm back at the gym.
I have friends and students and colleagues who are
kind,
appreciative
and loving.

Yet, my mind runs on automatic.
It plays and replays the rotten stuff
and then I cry.
I cry on line at the Dollar Store.
I cry here at the computer (and then Xander the Punk Monkey comes and purrs in my face and gives me nose-bump kisses).
Cry cry cry.
Why?

I need to YANK that steering wheel out of auto-pilot and take control!

I've been focusing on some jerky guy from a bbw dating site
who told me he's not interested in anyone who's had a gastric bypass
and he's not too keen on someone like me who would mutilate my cats by declawing them.

Oh, and I received one semi-critical comment from a student on Rate My Professors (God forbid I should receive anything but praise!)

Like a merry-go-round of misery I replay these negative things in my mind.
Rejections.
Hurt feelings.
Misunderstanding.

STOP IT!!!!!!!!!

The good thing about my mind running on automatic is that I NOTICED IT!
Having noticed it, I can now make a new choice.

I can take control.
I can think of something GOOD
and think about that over and over.

It takes work to change a thinking habit.
But I'm not afraid of hard work.

That's why even though part of me wants to stay home,
eat too much
and feel sorry for myself,
the part of me that wants to go up to school
for a run (walking with intermittent jogging)
is going to win.

I'm in charge.

Hear that, brain?
I'm protecting myself from your haphazard cruelty.
I will not let you say mean things to me.

Shut up!!

Hey, brain...

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"See everything is fixable
nothing is truly broke..."
Thanks to Cristopolis, Adventurer in Consciousness,
and all round cool character!
click here or click below

Pro-seed

Is it God or the dictates of my own karma?
I don't know what it is,
but IT puts obstacles in my way just before a big event.

For instance, at 4:00pm the day before my gastric bypass surgery, I was told that the surgery could not proceed without a signed release form from my general practitioner.

I didn't even really HAVE a general practitioner.
How was I supposed to get a signed release form from someone?
Well, I did, with not a minute to spare.

Today, was a big day.
I was well-prepared for my visit to the Department of Justice in Newark,
NJ for my bankruptcy hearing.

I left a full hour and a half early just to be safe.
Driving down Route 3 East, all dressed up with my purse and paperwork, ready with something to read should I arrive early, it happened.

I got a flat tire.

I was a perfect mixture of calm composure and heart-racy panic as I called my parents and Triple A from the highway shoulder.

In a state of oh-my-god I fetched the spare tire, lug wrench and jack out of my trunk, wondering why this had to happen now when I was doing the right thing.
Why an obstacle NOW??

Randy Pausch once said that brick walls were not put there to keep us out. Brick walls were put there so we could prove how badly we wanted what was on the other side.

My mind flipped around with SOLUTIONS, not excuses.
I could have bailed and rescheduled.
I could have called the lawyer's office in a panic and told them I couldn't make it.
That was not an option.
But I didn't get past this brick wall on my own.

THANK GOD for ... well, everything.
My parents came in like the cavalry, lent me their car, stayed with mine, dealt with Triple A, got the flat fixed and filled my gas tank.

I got to the Justice Department with time to spare.

The waiting was nerve wracking, but when I went before the judge, it took all of 2 minutes to dismiss

$84,000.00 in debt!
(all medical bills)

gulp!

This is the week of Chi-clearing.
I consolidated and deferred student loans.
I actually answered the phone when bill collectors called because I finally had something to tell them.

Handling paperwork.
Organizing my life.
Clearing the way so that I may move forward and prosper,
clearing,
cleaning, and proceeding,
regardless of brick walls,
flapping pannuses,
and flat tires.

It's good to come out on the other side.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Michael Beckwith is right.
When do we grow the most
when things are going smoothly
or
when we have obstacles to overcome?
click here or click below

better to run and 'thwup' than not run at all

"The question is,
'Who's
going
to
run
your
brain?'"
- Richard Bandler

Yesterday, I went for a run.
Well, it was more like a walk with intermittent jogging and spurts of faster jogging.

The 'thwupping' of my pannus was awful.
The way my lower gut flops against me is noisy and disturbing.
Even wearing spanks didn't help.
I ran and thwupped.

For a few paces I held it down with my hands but it was difficult to keep my balance that way,
so I let it thwup.

I told myself it was only temporary.
I told myself I would have it cut off sometime within the next 12 months.

I told myself that it was necessary for now.
This is the phase I am going through.
I knew it was coming.
Step One: deflate was NOT going to bring me exactly to my goal.
It would just bring me closer.
I knew I would be saggy and misshapen for a while.

This thwupping saggy phase is part of the journey.
It's a step on the path.
A noisy, disturbing, uncomfortable, self-conscious step.

Hey, I have to start somewhere.
I want to run.

So, running a few paces is the place to start.

Paces turn into laps.
Laps turn into miles.
Miles turn into marathons.

They say that running is the best way to lose weight.
Ok, then.

Cuz I've got my eating under control...to my satisfaction.
Two weeks before my next appointment with my surgeon's office I'll do the food log as promised.
But, overall I'm doing great with my eating.
More protein, less carbs.
Why?
Cuz the NP at my surgeon's office had the decency,
the integrity,
the HONESTY
to say,
"Eating protein makes you lose weight."

No scare tactics about malabsorption of protein
(Gastric Bypass patients malabsorb ALL nutrients, don't we?)
or grams of protein to be ingested via fowl tasting shakes or drinks.

He respected me enough to speak to me like I'm an adult with a goal to lose weight,
not like an out of control child who needs to be lied to in order to force some new behavior
"for my own good".

He told me something factual.
I listened.
Eat more protein.
Lose weight.
Smart.

Running will make me lose weight?
Good.
I'll run.

Walk,
jog,
jog quickly,
sprint when I can,
even if it's for a few yards.

Gotta start somewhere.

So I've started.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Figure out what you want to do
and then go do it!"
Sure, I 'thwup'.
I have a hard time loving myself where I'm at.
But in the meantime, I'm learning.
And I'm already good at loving others.
I do love others.
That's got to be worth something.
click here or click below

get over that wave line

Overcoming procrastination is really easy.
It just SEEMS difficult.

We build up the task in our heads and make it so much bigger than it actually is.
We turn it into something insurmountable when it's actually
pretty
darn
mountable.

Getting over the hump, the first hurdle, the mental block is easier than we think.
Once we're over the hump, once we're in motion, the momentum carries us.

Yesterday, I filed a bunch of paperwork, some of it dating back to August 2007.
The papers sat in the to-be-filed bag for months and months and months.
Every time I looked at it I didn't feel like filing.
It was going to be such an effort.
Biiiiiigggg
huuuuuge
task
right?

Nah.

Sure it was uncomfortable getting started.
It required some moving other stuff out of the way.

But once I got started, once I was filing, I wanted to keep going.
Once I finished filing the pile in from the bag I actually looked for more mini-piles of stuff to file away.
The momentum carried me.

The 'doing' isn't so hard.
It's the starting-to-do that requires that extra push.

It seems daunting, but the obstacle is only in our minds.

It's really not so bad.

And afterward?
The elation!

The freedom from the oppressive task that weighed on our minds for so long is liberating!

That clearing leads to new, better, happier stuff.

Getting over that wave line is so worth it.
Just ask Tom Hanks' character, Chuck Noland, from Cast Away.

*Lisa's Video Picks of the Day*
I MUST get these clips for my class!
Remember Tom Hanks in 'Cast Away'?
When he was stuck on the island, he got in his raft and struggled and
struggled and failed to get over
that line of incoming waves.
He fell deep into the water,
scraped by coral,
bloodied and defeated,
swam back to shore (see Video 1 below).
But then he figured out a way to get over that wave line
(Go 6:25 into Video 2 below).
What a great metaphor for overcoming procrastination!
Video 1
click here or click below



Video 2
click here or click below

goal Lee

If blogging were an Olympic sport,
I'd be Dara Torres!

"...there are days when I feel like I'm swimming
with a piano on my back
and I'm going to sink....
when it comes to any goal,
it's all about
how bad you want it"
- Dara Torres

"Just keep swimming,
just keep swimming,
just keep
swimming,
swimming,
swimming!"
- Dory

How bad do I want it??

That depends.

What is IT anyway?

Darren likes to remind me that vague goals bring vague results.
It's true.

Like when I'm playing Scrabble against the computer,
I'll ignore the computer's score as we play
and just give an all out effort.

I always lose that way.

But if I LOOK at the computer's score as I play,
I have a goal,
a benchmark,
something to surpass,
and I win more often that way.

I resist the scale.
I resist counting calories.
I resist weight loss goals
because of the suffering those behaviors have caused me in the past.
People have been abusive toward me in the name of 'helping' me.

People have yelled, criticized and pushed me in unkind ways.
As a rebellion,
as a standing-up-for-myself,
I've had to learn to take care of ME
in loving,
kind,
uncritical ways.

In order to do that I've had to refrain from the behaviors that have hurt me in the past.

I've come so far.

I don't want to settle for 'okay'.
Right now I'm 'okay'.

Hey, I'm not knocking it.
It feels GOOD to be 'okay'.
I haven't been 'okay' for years.
It's nice to enjoy the okay-ness.

But I have dreams.
I have goals.

I promised myself today that within the next 12 months
I will be working full time
and I will be having my body lift surgery.

I told myself that I TRUST ME to do this for myself.

I have faith in my efforts.

I have faith in my commitments.

I have faith in me.

That's better than 'okay'.

That's downright Olympian.

I can do it.

Even if I have to look at the numbers.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This is what it's like in my head.
The perky, motivated voice competing with the grumpy, cynical voice.
Let's hope Dory keeps winning!
click here or click below

Beauty and Bounty!

We had fun at the beach yesterday.
I swam for the first time in years.

I didn't swim for too long because my stamina isn't what I'd like it to be.
But nevertheless, I got into the waves deep enough so that my feet didn't touch bottom.
I don't even remember when I did that last.
Was I 18?
19?
20?

It was forever ago.
Too long.

The weightless feeling of being lifted up by an incoming wave.
The slight panic when I no longer felt the ocean bottom beneath my feet.
The ability to tread water.
And the memories of being a teenager
back when I was strong enough to play in the waves for hours!

I can have that again.

I was assured of that last night I watched a 41 year old swimmer (Dara Torres) from team U.S.A. win a silver medal for swimming the 50 meter freestyle.

"Dreams don't have an expiration date!"
- Dara Torres

Age does not have to be a deterrent to physical fun.
I can get fit and stay fit for many years to come.

So, I'm not there yet, but I'll get there.
Yesterday's frolic in the waves made me WANT to have more stamina.
It made me WANT to have strength.

We sat and grilled ourselves in the hot sun.
We sat on the same fire engine blanket I've been using on the beach since I was 13 years old.
If that blanket can endure, so can I.

As we sat on the fire engine blanket brushing the sand and shell pieces off our bronzing skin, a guy walked past us smiling. He looked me in the eye and said,
"Hello bountiful beauty."

I smiled back.

Wow.

Wasn't it just a few days ago that I blogged about the Joker saying,
"Well, helloooo beautiful!"

Funny how the law of attraction works when you least expect it ;-)

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Darren taught me how to use the resistance stretching "machine" at
the rec center last week.
Did you know that stretching is essential to enhancement?
Dara Torres calls it her secret weapon!!
click here or click below

Happy Surgi-versary!!!!

Today marks my two year anniversary.
On August 16th 2006 I had my gastric bypass.

I've lost 140 pounds.

I have been at a weight loss plateau.

I am currently eating well, consuming more protein and less carbs.
I am back at the gym.
Plateau soon to be broken.

Thursday, I ran for the first time in 10 years.

My goal is to lose 60 more pounds.
My other goal is to have body lift surgery to remove the excess skin and put my body into some sort of shape.

I am grateful for the progress I've made.

Today I'll be at the beach with someone other than my mother.

Today I'll walk, wade and sun bathe with ease.

Two years ago I was so obese I could not lie down on a beach blanket comfortably. I could not stand up easily from a sitting position on the sand. Forget about getting in the water past my ankles.

I've made great progress.

Still, halfway to skinny, I have more progress to make.

And I will.

I may take a pause once in a while, but I never stay still.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...worrying is little more than imagination..."
Why not imagine what we want rather than what we don't?
Imagine what we can do by imagining!
Simple advice for visualization from Gary Wood.
click here or click below

me RUNNING

I got brave.

I was walking around the nice, cushy, indoor walking track at my beloved rec center to warm up for my weight training and I jogged for a bit.
Just a bit.
Just for a couple of yards.

That's not the brave part, though jogging did take courage.

I was out of breath, so I walked.
Then jogged,
then walked.

I was proud of myself for getting outside of my comfort zone.

"Someday I'll run," I thought to myself.

Then I remembered the video I posted on Wednesday (click here)
and how it had made me think that it's easy to run when something is chasing you.

So I imagined it.
What if I was running from a T-Rex or something?
Or God-forbid a mugger?

That's when I got brave.

I bolted.

I took off running, fast.

Sure there was all kinds of flapping and flopping, but I didn't care.
I was running!!

I kept it up for the length of the short end of the track,
resumed walking,
then did it again.

I ran.

I ran like something was chasing me.

I felt so free.

And today?
No injuries.
No pain.
No shin splints.
Just a sense of accomplishment.

Maybe it's because I did some very intentional power stretching after the walk/run.

Maybe it's the universe telling me I did the right thing
and I should do it again,
often.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Do we ever regret getting outside our Comfort Zone?
Whether it's business, running a few yards, or getting into icy waterfalls!
These are regular folks doing something brave.
Who had more fun?
The ones who played it safe?
Or the ones who took the plunge??
click here or click below

consistent 4 luv

"You listen to me.
I’ve been alive... 
a hundred plus years and there’s
only one thing I’ve 
ever been sure of.
 You...
When I say I love you...
it has nothing to do with me. 
I love what you are,
what you do, 
how you try. 
I’ve seen your
kindness and your strength. 
I’ve seen the best  
and the worst of you  
and I understand  
with perfect clarity
exactly what you are.  
You are a hell of a woman...
You’re the one, Buffy."
- Spike to Buffy in 'Touched'

As I watched Spike tell Buffy how much and why he loved her I was so choked up I couldn't even cry. The tears wanted to come but they wouldn't.

It didn't quite touch the tender sadness inside me.
It couldn't get to it.
The tender sadness is a gatekeeper to a precious,
persistent hope that someone WILL love me that way.
So, I was more encouraged than sad when I listened to Spike.

Yesterday, Theresa left me an encouraging comment (click here).
It made me feel deeply reassured.

Deeply because it touched something inside me that KNOWS that I'll find love,
more than once,
in big
brave
glittery ways
in the kinda near future.

Love might not find me yet because I'm hiding.
I'm hiding behind the feelings I've attached to my
loose skin,
extra flesh,
and
the belief that I need plastic surgery
in order to be acceptable and love-able.

All my energy is saying
GET AWAY
DON'T LOOK
DON'T GET CLOSE TO ME
love me but reject me right away
so we can't actually get close!

Sure I catch mad feelings for certain guys
who inevitably
have
no idea what to do with me.
And that's karmically correct.
Cuz I have no idea what to have them do with me.
I'm so busy feeling un-love-able that my karma attracts just the
right guys to give me just the right
stay-away behavior.

The ones who CAN love me?
I have blinders on.
They don't exist.
I couldn't possibly be the object of their adoration
and if I am,
I'll do whatever it takes to ruin it and alienate them.

I need to get my energy right.

A great book just arrived in the mail called
'Why We Love' by Helen Fisher.

I read the first 30+ pages in class (while my students took their final).
One of my students happened to have it in her backpack.
She lent it to me so I'd have something to read while they took their exam.

That book found me for a reason.

It looks like it will explain so much of my crush-obsess-alienate behavior.
It will help me make sense of it.
Making sense of things helps me put things in perspective so they don't have so much power over me.

Yesterday, Darren showed me how to work out with weights (again).
He emphasized that I don't have to beat myself up at the gym in order for it to have an impact.
Consistent effort is all it takes.
Total body workouts aren't necessary right now.
Some cardio, some weight training, some stretching and GO HOME.

Hearing it from a trusted friend helped me to put my gym efforts in perspective.
I don't need to do too much.
I just have to do something consistently.

Permission and perspective.

Make way for some welcome changes.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Smart, simple, do-able.
The 'Better Than Nothing Workout'!
Brilliant!!
Thanks Rachel and Jeremy!
click here or click below

problem of inspiration

Cats are a great way to start the day.
Affection,
purring,
having my head tromped on,
persistent mewing,
the kittens and Bosie tripping me
on my way to the kitchen to feed them.

I want to be as happy as one of my own cats.

It must be nice to feel loved, adored and taken care of.

But I don't believe that those feelings will ever come from the outside.
I've had hope, but it's dwindling.

I want them to, but at this point in my life, I better give that care to myself or else I'll never be able to move on and do significant things.
I can't get stuck in the hoping and waiting for love to come from someone else.

I don't FEEL like taking care of myself.
I don't feel inspired to do the daily chores
of making my surroundings livable,
of caring for my nutritional needs,
of getting oxygen and exercise.

Yet, my mind KNOWS those actions are necessary
for good health and a foundation upon which to build
REAL happiness and satisfaction.

So, I have to outwit my feelings by
acting differently than I feel.

I will go through the motions and HOPE that the feelings come
and even if they don't
I will persist.

If I acted on my feelings today
I'd lay around all day playing with my kittens and schmoozing around with my cats, wasting time online, moping, watching TV, regretting that I'm not doing my chores.

Funny, how what we FEEL like doing provides such little satisfaction.
I wonder why we would feel like doing unproductive, unsatisfying things...like procrastinating.
Why is it that when I look at the laundry, or the filing, or the paperwork, or the semester stuff I'm filled with dread rather than joy?

If completing tasks brings peace and satisfaction why wouldn't the prospect of doing those things be attractive and inspiring?

What is it about effort that fills us with dread?

I want to get to the bottom of this so I can fix it:
the problem of
sustaining inspiration.

All this ruminating has to be worth something!!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I guess you don't need motivation to run from something that's chasing you!
click here or click below

next demon

I'm in a hurry.
This is what it will feel like when I have a full time job and I have to blog quickly.
We'll see how my blog changes once I have my work life in order.

For now, it's time to get my head in order.

Yesterday I took some positive steps...literally.

I arrived early for my med appointment.
With 40 minutes to kill I thought it would be a good idea to take a walk.
Being an efficient multi-tasker, I figured I'd go inside the hospital and pick up the financial assistance paperwork while I was there rather than wait for snail mail.

The hospital is huge.
The financial services office is located deep within the bowels of an enormous building complex.

I remember back in the day, making that trek to see the financial counselor.
It was torture.

When I weighed 377, getting from the car to the building was agony.
The strain on my lower back was so bad I wanted to cry.
I had to stop every few steps to lean on something to take the pressure off.

Once inside the corridors seemed like they were miles long.
I remember feeling my way along the wall, hoping that a chair would magically appear, wishing there was a wheelchair I could borrow.

I don't know how I lived like that.
I don't know how I kept my morale up enough to take care of myself even in the smallest ways.
Where did I find the hope?

Yesterday was totally different.
I zipped down the hall, weaved in and out of people, grabbed the paperwork I needed then power walked back to my car.
It took 20 minutes.

Imagine that!
In zippy, perky condition the trek to the office was 10 minutes in and 10 minutes back.

That's a far walk!
I don't know how I did it 140 pounds ago.

But I did.

I fought.
I struggled.
I won.

And now I have different demons to fight.

Once defeated, a new demon always appears.

I'm always fighting something.

What's the alternative, to sit still and let the demon devour me?
To play it safe, deal with the devil I know and never change?
Never get better?
Sit inside my comfort zone and make rational excuses for why I should stay sick?

I'd rather fight.
Fight through to the next thing.
The next challenge.
The next development.

Today I'm taking my 85 year old mother to the Jersey Shore.
I had to rent her a wheelchair.
Her arthritis is so bad she can't even walk from the car to the boardwalk.
She's not in pain.
Her bones are so deformed she has a bowed leg and misshapen ankle.

It doesn't stop her.

She still gets on her hands and knees and works every day (she runs a feline boarding kennel).
She still drives.
She still gets around.

She's tough.

Like me.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Your attitude is the aroma of your heart.
click here or click below

Well Helloooo beautiful!

Ok, is it wrong of me
to feel a pang of jealousy
when The Joker says,
"Well, hello Beautiful...
and you ARE beautiful"
to Rachel Dawes
when he crashes
Harvey Dent's fundraiser?

If Maggie has smile lines...

...are mine ok, too?

Standing on line outside the ladies room at the IMAX theater in Palisades Mall, I overheard some teen-or-twenty-somethings talking about Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes.

An attractive young lady said, "I liked Katie Holmes better. Maggie Gyllenhaal is so weird looking. She's like 30 but she has those lines in her face around her mouth that make her look like she's 50."

I balked.

And here I was assuring myself that if a young beauty like Maggie had smile creases, it was OK for me to have smile creases.

I mean, The Joker called her b e a u t i f u l after all!

I'm wondering about this generation gap.
I'm confused about the teen-twenty-something attitude about aging.

Are we ("we" being the over 35 crowd) really so alien to them?
So square?
So kill-me-before-I-hit-30?

That's how I felt when I was 19.
I had the hope-I-die-before-I-get-old attitude.
I never wanted to reach 30.

When I was 23 I already declared myself over-the-hill.
I had no hope for my future.

Now in my 40's, having fallen in love with the teen-twenty-somethings at my job
and being obsessed with their culture (fashion, films, music, vocabulary, social habits)
I wonder how much of an outsider I am in their eyes.

I wonder if some of them think I'm just flat-out weird for
caring about them so much.

I wonder if they think I need to get-a-life.

And if I DID get a life, what should it look like?

Today I see my psychiatric nurse practitioner for
my quarterly med consult.

I've been taking Prozac for 5? 10 years?
It keeps me kinda even.
It keeps me from crying 3 times a day.
It helps keep the mood swings in check.

The busier I am, the less depressed I am.
I think the Fall semester will help me be less ruminatious.

Not that there's anything wrong with thinking.
I just don't want to be sad about life.

I'll balance it out.
I'll balance the thinking with some doing.

Me and my smile creases are going to take a nice shower,
get dressed,
go to the gym for some weight training
and THEN go to my appointment.

I'll feel better about myself if I do,
smile creases and all.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
At 1:50 into the video we get
"Well, hello beautiful!
You must be Harvey's squeeze.
And you ARE beautiful."
Enjoy it while you can.
I'm sure this video will be yanked
off of YouTube any minute.
click here or click below

ok to be

"People spend more time
learning how
to use a food processor
than they do
learning how
to use their brains."
- Richard Bandler

I look at this picture
and think,
"Marre is beautiful
and I'm fat."
Same stinkin' thinkin'
I've had for 30 years.

Oh look!
I can hide my
enormous forehead
behind a giant stuffed dog!

My brain (our brains) are like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Moving,
crazy,
constant,
over and over,
repetitive,
motion
motion
motion
always in motion,
journeying to no
place in particular.

Do we really need to wonder why meditation - keeping the mind still -
leads to enlightenment??

Our thoughts go swirling.
They are busy,
judging,
blaming,
illusory,
not going anywhere in particular.

We wake up when we hit the rumble strips
on the highway of life.

I did.
I hit the rumble strips a few times.
Heck, I hit the rumble strips a few times THIS SUMMER!

The rumble strip shakes us awake,
warns us we are about to crash into the divider.

We're jolted awake by the adrenaline rush.
We grab the wheel with more vehemence,
determined to stay awake
and then what happens?

We may drift off...again.
We're tired after all.

Maybe we should pull off the road and nap
before we start driving again.

Rejuvenate.
Eat.
Drink.
Rest.
Nourish.

Refreshed, we can get back on the road
with new vigor.

I'm trying to
rejuvenate,
renew,
refresh.

I'm learning to reframe the way I feel about how I feel.

I'm learning to be OK with what-is so I can become what I will-be.

As we were garage-saling yesterday, I told my mother that I was learning to accept, without judgment, my desire to be beautiful and embrace it as motivation to take better care of myself.

She said,
"But you're already beautiful!!"

Then she added that whatever motivates me is fine.

Hey, she wants met to be healthy.
She wants me to be happy.

She doesn't want to jinx whatever is working for me.

See, I'd LIKE to be motivated by wellness, health, well-being, but
I'm fine with being as healthy as I am.

The diabetes is almost totally faded,
I can get around pretty well,
I can breathe better than before.
I'm ok.

If I never got a stitch more healthy I'd still be functioning at a pretty good level.

Athleticism doesn't entice me.
Being able to run, jump and play like a 20 year old
would be nice but it doesn't get me up in the morning.

LOOKING like a 20 year old?
Now you're talkin'.
Now I'm motivated.

I could analyze that to death (and I will)
but in the meantime,
isn't it OK to use whatever works?

If it gets me moving,
to the gym,
to the weights,
to the yoga matt,
to the park for a walk,
isn't it just fine to feel what I feel??

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...give yourself permission to have an easy workout..."
Brilliant.
Avoid perfectionism.
Just do.
"Easy is a billion percent better than nothing."
Thanks, Tim Hallmark!
click here or click below

bend the spoon, bend the self

“You've got to get up
every morning
with
determination
if you're going to go to bed
with
satisfaction."

- George Lorimer

No, I'm not saluting.
I'm covering my
enormous forehead!

Yesterday I drove to the gym like my life depended on it.
I didn't even bring anything inside with me except my ID card.
I just wanted those salvific 20-30 minutes of working out
to
save me from the maw of demonic depression!

Took a nice walk around the indoor track.
Came out into the fitness area and was about to start the weight circuit when a handsome, young man asked me,
"So how many pounds is it now?"

I answered,
"140...and how do you know about me?"
trying to place how I knew him.
He might have been a student from years ago.
I wasn't sure.
He looked familiar but not TOO familiar.

He said,
"You came to my graduate class in nutrition and spoke.
You told your story.
I sat in the front row.
I never forgot you."

Wow.

Nice that he remembered.
Really nice.

He explained that he's working as a nutrition counselor for the WIC Program (Women, Infants and Children).
He had a difficult case involving a depressed mother and her obese 4 year old daughter.
As a student of nutrition science he knew he could help them if only he could get them to commit to their own well-being.

They were not making progress.
He said he was frustrated.
He told me that he was just about to throw his hands in the air and give up on them.
He was going to dismiss them
as not caring enough to help themselves
but
he remembered me.

He remembered my story.

He thought to himself that if
I could do it,
there was hope for this mother and daughter team
and more importantly,
for him as a counselor.

He said as he remembered,
"If YOU didn't give up, then I wasn't going to give up on them either."

Long story short,
he's making progress with his clients.
The little girl has lost 13 pounds so far.
The mother is doing better.

He's pursuing his doctorate in nutrition counseling.

He told met this story as I stood there next to the ab machine.
I almost didn't believe the timing of it.
It was almost scripted.
That's how my karma gets,
like a movie.

When I'm doing the right thing,
walking the right path,
working with my talents rather than fighting them,
the road unfurls before me,
the wind is at my back,
and validation like this pops up EVERYWHERE.

I confessed to him that it was my second day back at the gym after a long
mopey,
sedentary,
break.

He understood.

He was a body builder in high school.
He let it go,
lost all his bulk
and was at square one again.

We were both getting back in the game.

I can't believe it was ME
MY story,
MY talk,
that made a difference for him
and hence for a mother and daughter who needed him to
persevere.

Me.
I had a positive influence on the world.

My story,
my effort,
my talk.

And I found out because I got off my ass
and got back in the game.

I put myself where I belonged.

I put myself in the path of someone who needed me
(and whom I needed in return!)

That's no coincidence.

It's a coincide-ence.

Right action brings right validation.

I believe.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It's impossible to bend the spoon.
There is no spoon.
There is only your self.
Bend you self.
It can be done.
Trust me.
click here or click below

Acts of Pure Hag

I'm always taking 3/4
and profile pics
so here's a full frontal face.

Leo Birthday night out!

Marre, Geri, Me, Laura, Lilly...
the MILF brigade!

Me and Marre

Me and Ger

Ok, I don't like the way I look
and you know what??

I'm going to do something about it.

Instead of FEELING GUILTY about not liking the way I look
I'm just going to feel what I feel about it and do what I think will work
to get what I want.

My appearance matters to me.
Call me vain.
Call me shallow.
Call me whatever.

Just don't call me a floppy, saggy old hag which is exactly what I feel like right now.
I want to change.

I'd much rather be a slim, fit, strong old hag.

"Old" and "hag" aren't negative terms unless we allow them to be.

Just ask Mary Daly who says
a Positively Revolting Hag is
a stunning,
beauteous Crone;
one who inspires positive revulsion
from phallic institutions and morality,
inciting Others to Acts of Pure Lust".

Call me old
call me hag
call me whatever you want,
mutha fuckah.

IT'S ON YOU,
not me
YOU.

Hear that world?
Your opinions of me,
good or bad or in between
are about YOU
and
how YOU
feel when you're reacting to me.

Not about me.
Not my self image.
Not my self love.

I'm tired of taking others' opinions into myself,
blaming
and
shaming
myself for having a personality.

Life's too short to waste time worrying about what others think of me.

Not to say my public image doesn't matter.
It does matter to me.

I will care for my image.
I will care for myself.

Yesterday I was being devoured by a demon.
I wriggled free and kicked it in the face but not without some help.

I prayed, hard.
I sat here with hot tears pouring down my cheeks and prayed,
"Save me, Jesus,
Please save me."
and
"God, I love you,
please don't let me die."

I went to work.
Then

I

WENT

TO

THE

GYM.

Yeah, I finally broke the seal.
Tired of being miserable and sedentary,
I took a nice walk
twice around the indoor track,
lifted weights,
lifted the medicine ball
and did some machines.

I even got out of my comfort zone and used the ab crunch machine.

It was bliss.
The boost to my self esteem was incredible.

I'm sore today and proud of it.

Then I went to my cousin Maria's
for some healing (she's a second degree Reiki, soon to be third).

She got me out of my clothes and into a makeshift bathing suit comprised of my spanks and my Cousin Jimmy's t shirt.
We went out to the pool.

"Just jump in" she said.
I hesitated for a second, then held my nose and jumped.
It felt good to just jump in.

We swam, floated, talked, godded.
I felt renewed.

I'm going to remake myself.

I'm doing it NOW.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Speaking of a strong, lean, fit old hag...
"...motivation is in the process of doing"
When I'm allowing myself to feel motivated,
I like getting encouragement from someone who's
lean, strong, healthy,
glowing, beautiful,
surrounded by lovely, neatly arranged pretty things
and speaking lived-truth.
I love you, Susan.
click here or click below

wriggle

"...like having on a lead overcoat...
-Deacon Evans

"Warning signs of depression include:
loss of interest...
lethargy or decreased energy;
...increased tearfulness;
...hopelessness and pessimism;
feelings of helplessness,
worthlessness and/or guilt;
...a persistently sad, low, anxious or empty mood..."
- Students Against Depression

I feel like I need a med adjustment AND an attitude adjustment.
I could use a chiropractic adjustment too while I'm at it.

The monster is trying to devour me.
Sadness,
despair,
worthlessness,
anger,
resentment,
fear,
shame,
depression.

I can't let it happen...again.

Part of me just wants to faint away and be devoured.


Part of me wants to give up.
Just swoon and faint away like Davey Jones being devoured by Calypso's whirlpool at the end of Pirates 3.

I feel like saying, "just take me.
Swallow me."

I feel like letting the despair eat me alive.

Playing it safe.
Giving up.

Giving in to the idea that I'm unlovable,
not worth taking care of,
icky,
yucky,
gross,
not worth saving,
a loser.

It would be so easy to just give up.
Yet, I know what it means for me if I do.

If I cringe
and faint away,
I know what's waiting for me,
that place.
The Doldrums.

"Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean."

That's where YEARS of my life were swallowed.

The monster is slurping at my feet right now.
It's telling me to hold my breath till I can crawl back into bed and sleep.

Sleep off the disappointments,
the sadness,
the yuckiness,
the shame,
the hassle of life.
Hide.

The Doldrums, a place of no motion, a place to hide out from the bad feelings.

I remember the safety, the stillness of The Doldrums.

Yeah, it was safe.
But at what cost??

I know the cost.

I know what it's trying to do to me.

The hellmouth is devouring me from below.
I've slipped into it.
It's already got me.

It FEELS like most of me doesn't want to fight.
It FEELS like it would be so much easier to let it eat me alive,
just stay still,
let it chomp me to death.

It feels like it would be easier to shrug,
give up,
get devoured,
give in.

If I don't fight, it will win.
I'll be swallowed.

I have to actually FIGHT to get out of its jaws.
I have to wriggle free.

Let me tell you,
it hurts more to fight.
Most of me doesn't want to do battle right now.

But there's that little meeping part of me that has hope.
It wants to live.
It believes things can be better.
It wants life.

That tiny little hoper.
That meek little maybe-er.
That teeny yeasty inkling that things could be better wants a chance.

I have to willfully coax it out,
feed it,
encourage it,
help it win.

I have to fight the fight.

Go through the motions.

Act as if
and maybe,
just maybe,
hope will win and I'll break free.

I'm going to the gym today.

Even if it's only for 30 minutes.
Even if my heart isn't in it.
Even if I haven't made some grand, sweeping commitment.
Even though I'd rather come home and crawl into bed.

I'm going to the gym.

My first wriggle in the fight to break free.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Getting out of the house.
Getting involved.
Sharing with others.
Focusing on others rather than self.
Overcoming depression.
God help me, too.
click here or click below

Happy Birthday, Lisa

"Lisa, I love you
You paint the city gray
to happiness green...

You're paintin' pictures
that this world's never seen

Some artists paint,
some of 'em sing,
some dance,
but you,
your canvas is life..."
- Rockapella

A lot of heartache this summer.
I guess that's what happens when you stop hiding out and you start taking chances out in the world.

If I had the choice between numb-boredom or heartache-y-ness, I'll choose the latter.
I'd rather feel something than nothing.

And you know me.
I may get hurt, but
I'll just keep taking chances,
falling flat on my face,
getting my feelings hurt,
boo hooing and blogging about it,
then back to taking chances.

Playing it safe may not hurt,
but it's a chicken-shit way to live.

I'd rather make a damn fool of myself (and I do)
be misunderstood,
made fun of,
laughed at,
ignored,
shunned,
rejected,
pushed away,
left out,
and dumped
rather than
play it safe by doing nothing.

I may be getting hurt, but
at least I'll be building character.

I may be disappointed.
I may get my heart broken.
I might be called 'weird'
but I'll be able to look in the mirror and say,
at least I tried.
I gave it a shot.

There are plenty of folks who don't.
They stay on the sidelines clucking their tongues
pointing fingers.
That's what side-liners do.

All they can do is criticize because you can't play from the sidelines.

I'd rather be in the game.

I may be falling on my ass
but it makes me a better person
every time I pick myself up.

"Why do we fall?
So that we might learn
to pick ourselves up."
- Batman Begins

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
click here or click below

nah, you're too old

“I take rejection
as someone blowing a bugle in my ear
to wake me up
and get going,
rather than retreat.”
- Sly Stallone

Tomorrow, I turn 44.
I can't believe it.
In my head, I'm still 35.

But time is relentless.
It happens whether we believe it or not.
We age whether we're ready or not.
Hiding out from life doesn't make the clock stop.
Life happens whether we're in the game or not.

I don't feel 44 because I spent many years hiding out from life.
Or at least it FELT like I was hiding out from life.

Looking back with a more forgiving eye,
I see that I've always been
punching,
fighting,
taking chances,
trying to advance myself
intellectually and spiritually,
and being involved.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I know.
I KNOW.

I'm having an 'ouchy' morning.
Someone on OKCupid said 'no thank you' to me
because he was not comfortable with
our
age difference.

Ouch.
That really f'ed me up.
I had no idea that my age had an Eww-factor to it.
I had no idea that I had aged past being able to date someone without a thought to how old we are.

See, when I type in the age range that I'm looking for in the match finder I
always type the same thing 21-66.
It didn't occur to me that I was being age-inappropriate.
Honest.

I also never type in a body-type.
Skinny, fat, bald, wheelchair, short, tall...who cares?
Why would that matter to me??

So when a pretty-darned overweight 25 year old with
a very serious 'thing' about them (I don't will not to say what it was,
but let's just say there was something major about him....like missing a limb kinda major...that would probably be a deal-breaker for most people viewing his profile)
came up as a match for me,
I hesitated
but only briefly.

We had so much in common.
The major thing almost made me hit 'next' but I thought
it would be wrong of me to pass on someone because of
my discomfort with their one-major-thing.

I talked myself into contacting them.
It's what's inside a person that matters, right?

I sent a nice message.
Said I didn't care about their one-major-thing
if they didn't care that I'd be turning 44 on Wed.

But I said the turning-44-thing as a ha ha.
I didn't really think my age mattered.

But it did.

They wrote back that they would not be comfortable with our age difference,
and good luck.

WHAT??

And here I thought I was being so open-minded!

I just never expected MY AGE to be a deal breaker.

Whoa, dude!

That's the lesson of karma.
We have to do the right thing and detach from results.

See, I got caught up in the idea that because
I WAS BEING OPEN MINDED
that it automatically meant that
THEY'D BE OPEN MINDED.

You know, I figured what comes around goes around and all that.

I figured because I did the right thing by overlooking
the deal-breaky things about them,
that any deal-breaky things about me
wouldn't matter.

Nuh uh.
Doesn't work that way.

Just because I sat here,
looking at their picture,
struggling within myself to overlook their major-thing
didn't automatically earn me the same treatment in return.

They had every right to say no-thank-you.
I get it.

I just didn't expect it.

Not over my age anyway.

Wow.

44 with an ewww-factor.

This is gonna be a tough one.
Telling myself that one person's opinion doesn't matter
is gonna be hard.

Cuz I don't think it's a one-person opinion.
I have a feeling that I've reached an age
where the generation gap matters.

I just wasn't ready to hear it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Don't take it personally?
I don't know any other way to take it.
But I guess I have a choice about how to proceed.
Dr. Zelem says it's part of the process of getting to
the 'yes'.
So, I won't wallow...well, I might wallow just a bit
but I won't let one rejection stop me.
I'll keep punching.
'No' is never the final answer as long as we keep looking for that 'Yes'.
click here or click below

almost ready to fire rockets

"The concept of the line
between the body and the mind
is so deeply ingrained
in modern medicine
that no matter how many times patients ask
about a possible link
between their ailment
and their emotional state,
most doctors dismiss such
unscientific babble
with a shrug or, more likely,
an authoritative rebuke."
- Charlene Spretnak

It's amazing what a tiny little change of scenery can do.
Doing one tiny thing outside one's normal routine can blast one's perspective wide open.

Sitting in the sun for 20 minutes.
Reading an article or an essay.
Cooking with a new spice.
Taking an interest in someone new.
Seeing a film.
Cleaning.
Freeing up some physical space.
Taking a walk.

Any of these little things can expand one's horizon.

Of course the timing matters.
Sometimes, when I'm stuck in a rut or feeling depressed, I'm not fertile soil for any newness.
Sometimes it takes multiple efforts to yank me out of the furrow.

July is my favorite month.
I'm not sure why I've been so depressed this time around.

Too much focus on what I don't have rather than what I do have?

But August is here,
my birthday month (Wed, Aug 6th)
and my surgi-versary month (Aug 16th).
And I'm feeling a little brighter, more hopeful, more light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-ly.

I'm almost recovered from a nasty upper respiratory infection that plagued me for the past week or so.
Maybe coming up out of the darkness of that is helping me to feel better.

I believe we get sick (colds, sore throats, bronchitis type sick)
because our bodies need to purge some serious toxins.
I believe that for every physical accumulation and purging of toxins there is an emotional and spiritual cleansing as well.

Maybe some of the coughing accompanied by crying has cleaned me out, set me free, given me a springboard of energy into the hope of something new.

I'm feeling more ready to get back to moving, exercising, making a workout commitment,
taking on new projects, a new semester.

The thing about pulling one's self up by one's bootstraps (what the hell are bootstraps anyway?)
is that one HAS TO PULL.

The initial pull is harder than anything.
Like lift off.
Like getting The Space Shuttle out of Earth's atmosphere and into outer space.
It takes a helluva lot of fuel.
But once the craft is up up and away, it gets easier.

I'm getting ready for that initial burn.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Chronic pain and emotional issues ARE connected.
Doctors are finally admitting this.
The mind body connection is real, very real.
click here or click below

shift the bus into gear

"Most people are
prisoners of their own brains.
It's as if they are
chained to the last seat
of the bus
and
someone else
is driving."
-Richard Bandler, NLP developer

"No, no, no,
I kill the bus driver"
- The Joker

Well, what do you know.
I'm not alone.

I mean, I always knew that on an intellectual level.
Having worked with eating disordered individuals, I've always understood the symptoms.

But sometimes a fact will just hit you.
Harder, with more impact, and you get it in a new way.

When I read the opening lines of the article 'To Hell and Back: Appetite for Life Regained',
I had that bullet-in-the-forehead epiphany...

"It's been six months since Lucy Howard-Taylor wished she was dead.
For almost four years, the demons of anorexia nervosa rode on her back, convincing her she was worthless, unattractive, dull and unnecessary in the wider scheme of life."

When I facilitated a peer support group for folks with eating and body image concerns we understood each other. We were overeaters and undereaters with the same issues: low self esteem, self-consciousness, shame and a belief that we were insignificant.

We punished ourselves with too much or too little food and yes, our eating disorders were like demons, devils on our shoulders, tempting us to slowly destroy ourselves inside and out, convincing us that we were worthless.

"Those susceptible to developing the disorder usually have
low self-esteem,
a need to seek the approval of others,
difficulties experiencing
and expressing feelings,
social anxiety,
rigid thought patterns
and
a drive for perfection.
Food simply provides
the tool
self-flagellation."
-Kate Benson Medical Reporter

I forgot.
I forgot that others are suffering from the same self-doubts.
I forgot that change needs to happen in our minds so that we can get well and that I could be a catalyst for that change.

I've been so focused on myself, I forgot that there are so many others who need to be helped.
Sometimes that help is as simple as hearing, "You are not alone!"

I've been a little isolated recently.
I've been cocooning for a while.
I'm feeling that itchy, Fall is a-comin' feeling,
that back-to-school,
smell of new books,
autumn clothes,
fresh start
kinda feeling.

I'm ready for something ..it's close on the horizon.

I'm getting ready to make a difference....again...somehow.

Time to take control of the bus.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It's how we look at stuff that makes it show up to us in a certain way.
Halfway through the video he talks about EATING!
It's exactly what I did (at first) to change my eating habits.
Now...time to change some other stuff too.
click here or click below

do a body good

I feel bad about yesterday's anti-bacon rant.
It was pure ego on my part.
When I say "ego" I don't mean the common use of the word
to describe someone who has an inflated opinion of themselves...


When I say "ego" I mean that part of our psyche and/or spirit that
perceives competition,
gets insulted,
sees others as threats,
and forgets how interconnected
and how very much alike we all are.

I went on my anti-bacon rant because of ME not because of the WLS newsletter recipe.
Those nice folks at the WLS Kitchen didn't do anything wrong.
If one of their readers is kosher or halal or prefers to eat vegan or low-fat
they can search the recipes by category and avoid the bacony-shellfishy-dairy stuff.

I got re-activated.
I felt insulted.
I - I - I
me - me - me.

Cuz I KNOW how hard it was to give up
greasy,
meaty,
eggy,
cheesey,
drippy,
oozey,
fatty
foods.

And I don't like the ME who used to eat that way.

It took years of struggle,
a painful, difficult surgery (reversing a two time full incision gastric band and performing a RNY gastric bypass),
months of painful recovery,
months of sweaty, shakey detox,
and years of rigorous lifestyle change
to turn me into a healthier eater.

So, yeah, I got defensive when I saw a recipe, especially for WLS patients, that included something that I cannot digest and will never ever eat again in this lifetime.

I guess I used to love bacon.
I sure did eat it a lot.

Bacon double cheeseburgers,
scallops wrapped in bacon,
bacon with pancakes on Christmas morning,
bacon sprinkled on salad,
bacon and cheese on a tuna melt.
Yeah,
I ate some serious bacon.

I didn't enjoy it much though.
Honest.
I didn't really love it.

I found it much harder to give up sausage.
I actually LIKED sausage patties.

Bacon was just one more salty flavor on top of gloppy whatever.
I never really tasted it.
Bacon was just more fatty, salty, chewy bulk to stuff into myself to help me go numb.

Seeing it being presented as a food that could POSSIBLY even REMOTELY contain anything close to being nutritious got my dander up.

I don't like the way a I used to be.
I like that I eat so much better now.

Wanna know what I had for breakfast today?
A few forkfuls of chicken breast;
a few forkfuls of salad containing chickpeas, nuts, red peppers and green beans;
a few nice hunks of watermelon, fresh pineapple, a strawberry, and a few blueberries;
and a tablespoon of mashed sweet potato.

I was happily stuffed.
I absolutely loved what I ate.

If you waved a piece of steaming bacon under my nose I would have ralphed.

You couldn't pay me to eat bacon....ever again.

I can say that with confidence.
I'm two years out from my gastric bypass.
No weight gain, only weight loss.
Totally changed eating habits.
Halfway to Skinny.

So, I guess memories of the old, self-destructive ways of eating
was too much for me
and I reacted.

Meh, so sue me.

I'm allowed to be human, right?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Think vegans are sickly, pale and undernourished??
Think again.
Sun Warrior, Nick Stern is 55, a body-builder and a raw foods eating vegan!
click here or click below

anti saturated fat rant

nataliedee.com

Don't eat shrimp wrapped in bacon.
Just don't.

I mean, c'mon.
How can that be a good idea???

And don't tell me it's good pro-teeeeeeen
cuz I'll barf.

The mixed messages I see on post-op Weight Loss Surgery support sites is staggering.
The "eating fat is good for you" nonsense blows my mind.

I'm not talking good fats like olive oil, fish oil, avocado oil, coconut oil or fats from nuts, fish, low fat yogurt and stuff like that.

I'm talking fatty cheese, meats, egg yolks, and frikken bacon.
Heavy, drippy, saturated fat.

Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts from a greased up grill, globbed in butter,
oozey egg yolks, fat fat fat kind of fat.

I don't care who you are,
or what Atkins nonsense you've bought into,
I'm not budging on this one.

And I budge on just about everything.
Really, I am one of the most flexible, pluralistic people you'll ever meet and I'm having a really hard time swallowing the idea that saturated fat (I don't care if you're talking small amounts people) is good for you.

Sorry.

I'm going to have to stubbornly cling to my ego-centered righteousness on this one.

DON'T EAT FRIGGEN SHRIMP WRAPPED IN BACON STUFFED WITH CHEESE!!

There.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest....
no, I changed my mind.
I'm not done getting it off my chest.

HEART DISEASE!!
GLOPPY
UCKY
FAT
is bad for you.

Hey, the experts are now saying some saturated fat is good for you.
Sure.
Like a TEASPOON of butter
or
a TABLESPOON of sour cream
or
a TABLESPOON of certain oils,
maybe.

Not the greasy, drippy, meaty, gross, hot doggy, sausage fat that most Americans call food.

Small amounts, my ass.
Stop it.
And stop telling people to eat that stuff.

I'm not going to say which WLS site got me started on this rant.
I LIKE that site.
I don't want to knock the site itself.

I don't agree with a lot of what they say and do over there, but it's helpful to many people.
So, I don't want to name it.
I get updates in my email and the other day there was this recipe for shrimp wrapped in bacon stuffed with cheese (no lie) especially for us WLS folks (lots of smileys and exclamation points....gag me).

And dammit, I have to say NO.
Not a good idea.

Do you have any idea how LIGHT I feel since giving up fats??
Mind you, I gave up fats by force.

My gastric bypass makes me unable to digest oils and fats.
Even two years out, I get really nauseated from any kind of grease, oil or too much fat.

So I gave it up.
Had to.

Do you have any idea how LIGHT I feel??

How I no longer feel like passing out after a meal??

How much lower my cholesterol is??

Not to mention PORK is a spiritually unclean food.
Two of the major world religions abstain from eating it.
Pork and shellfish.
Clue in people.

I don't know what got me on such a reactionary rant about this.
I just know how far I've come from the burgers, fries and gloppy cheese days.
Shrimp wrapped in bacon stuffed with cheese just seems like a fancier version of a fatty Big Mac or Whopper.

Heavy.
Bad for your heart.
Unnecessarily caloric.

How many people have to die of heart disease before we wise up?

Eat light.

Eat fresh.

Make salad dressing without oil.
I do.

I use Pomi as a base.

Why slime up a perfectly good salad?

Ok, that's my self-indulgent anti-fat rant.

Cook lean.
Eat lean.
Be lean.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Diets don't work.
Fact.
Lifestyle change works.
Fact.
Eat, breathe, move and think.
Now.
click here or click below