tip toe outside the comfort zone

Cat got MY tongue?

"The remnants of pain left behind
by every strong negative emotion
that is not fully faced,
accepted,
and then let go of
join together
to form an energy field
that lives in the very cells of the body.

It consists not just of childhood pain,
but also painful emotions that were added to it later
in adolescence and during your adult life...
It is the emotional pain that is
your unavoidable companion when
a false sense of self
is the basis of your life."
- Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth

I'm one of those people who hates confrontation.
And when I say "confrontation" I mean even the little things like
calling the maintenance office to tell them that my toilet is running.

I have a hard time asking for things.
I don't like sticking up for myself.
It's unresolved karma, I know, so I force myself to advocate for myself...
even in little ways.

Like at the grocery store the other day,
I spotted the shortest check-out line and made a beeline for it with my shopping cart
arriving at exactly the same time as a woman with her husband.

There we were nose to nose, our shopping carts making a perfect V, neither of us arriving at the checkout line even a smidge earlier or later than the other.

In situations like that I've ALWAYS been the one to say,
"oh, that's ok, you go ahead."

This time, I stood my ground.
I just looked at her.
This time, it was the other person who gave in.

I tilted my head to the side and gave her a sweet "thanks" as I proceeded to unload my groceries onto the checkout belt.

Sure I felt guilty.
It was new behavior for me.

But I didn't look back at her.
I didn't make forced, polite conversation to make up for my "aggressive" act of going ahead of her in line.

I just breathed and focused on what I was doing.

New behavior with a side of guilt.

But I felt a little better about myself for accepting her grace.
I've been the grace-giver for so long, it was about time I allowed someone else to move aside for me.

This morning, I procrastinated about calling maintenance, but not for too long.

I called a few minutes ago.
Made my request.
Felt better.

Can you imagine reaching almost middle age (I'll be 44 Wednesday, August 6th)
and just now learning to speak up??
Well, better late than never.

Some folks avoid resolving their karma in this lifetime.
They don't try to deal with their inner issues.
They play the victim.
Make excuses.
Rationalize their addictions.

They never leave their comfort zones.

Hey, so maybe I drag my feet sometimes but I do move forward.

Little by little.
Phone call by phone call.
Check-out line after check out line.

Little tip-toes outside the zone of comfort.

How funny.
Just as I typed this, the maintenance guy came and fixed my toilet :-)

*Lisa's Video Clip of the Day*
Never underestimate the power of SMALL MOVES.
It only takes one, ONE degree to make an enormous difference.
click here or click below

carb elimination

I know I said I was going to keep a food log, and I meant it.

I needed to make some changes in my eating first.

Food logging and calorie counting will reveal where some changes can be made.

Before I even started I knew that I could eliminate some carbs from my diet.

So I did.

Over the past 2 weeks I've been cooking without my beloved barley or brown rice.

I make giant pots of soupy stew I call Pots O' Lisa.
Contents?
Celery, onions, beans, tomato puree, spinach, tofu, sometimes chicken and usually some sort of whole grain and seasonings (some fresh basil perhaps?)

I've changed the basic composition of my Pots O' Lisa by eliminating the whole grains.
Instead of barley or rice I've been using two extra tubs of tofu.

Know what?

I don't miss the grains.

I don't crave them.
I don't feel deprived.
I'm just as full after eating as when I was using the rice or barley.
And a HUGE chunk of carbs have been eliminated from my diet.

I've also been careful about buying rice cakes.
When I'm hungry, wanting a snack, needing a little something, it was so easy to eat rice cakes.

Thing about rice cakes is they're not very filling.
So I was eating more than I would like to see in a food log (had I been keeping one).

So I've been buying more raw almonds (expensive but worth it).
And more raw peppers.
And more apples.
And low cal ice pops.

Know what?

I don't miss the rice cakes.

What a relief!!

I remember back in the day when I felt addicted to carbs.
I remember the days when a baked potato with butter and sour cream were the best part of a lobster dinner.
I remember the days of filling up on bread and butter at a restaurant before the meal arrived (but I still ate the meal).
I remember going through 3 loaves of bread per week.

NO more.

Now, I'm freer than ever.

I don't remember the last time I bought a loaf of bread.
The only crackers in my cupboard are Wasa.

And now, I'm making giant pots of soup/stew with no grains.

The only (major) carbs in my Pots O' Lisa come from the beans.
Beans = fiber, protein, good!

I am Lord of my domain.

By the way, I brought my own snacks to the IMAX theater:
fresh sliced orange bell pepper,
homemade tamari almonds,
raw nut trail mix,
sugar free Werther's candies,
and a Tab.

Did I mention?

Lord of my domain.

I'll start keeping that food log soon.

I'll let you know.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Speaking, thinking, writing.
The power of words.
We forget how powerful they are and how careful
we must be when we use them.
click here or click below

The Dark Knight...again

I've always wanted to be

Princess Leia.

And look!
My very own Ewok!

But back to more serious matters...


Sick as I was, we went to see The Dark Knight in IMAX yesterday.
It was staggering to see those images on a 6 story high screen.
The sound was deep and as jarring as a 747 during take-off.

But for all the sensory stimuli I was never distracted from the core essence of the film:
the never ending struggle between good and evil.

I say 'struggle' rather than 'battle' for a reason.
Battles can be won or lost.

The struggle between good and evil is unending, at least that's how they're portrayed in this film.
And that's why I'm so captivated by it.

It addresses the nature of life.
It's a struggle.
Every day, it's a struggle.

I don't mean that to sound grim, although it is a very grim film.
I mean life's struggles can be many things.
Struggles in life aren't always dark and heavy,
but they are there,
ever present.

That's the nature of being human: struggle.

See, we have free will.
We have the will to choose.
We choose our day to day activities,
on a meta level we choose our karmic situations,
and we choose to name things good, evil, right, wrong, whatever,
then we choose to act.

They are all difficult choices.
All representing a struggle,
deliberation,
temptation to take the easy way out,
judging which is easy and hard and why one is better than the other,
choose,
choose,
choose.

Then
act,
act,
act.

It's exhausting.

And if we spend to much time in a holding pattern,
take too much time to deliberate,
we lose time.

I have a birthday coming up (August 6th).
I'll be 44.

That's older than I want to be.

I want to be 34.

I feel like somewhere along the way I lost a huge chunk of my life.
Wasted.
Sat on the sidelines depressed and immobile,
not doing what I could
with the talents I had.
Crushed.
Sedentary.

I can't get that time back.
It's done.
Over.

That is SO real to me.
The nature of passing time.
The running down of the clock.
The starkness of life spent with no do-overs.

Life is fired at us point blank.
I spent way too many years dodging the bullets.

I waited.
Life didn't.

That's what the Joker means to me.
He keeps doing and doing and doing.
He doesn't care who's ready.
He doesn't care who's in the mood to play.
He doesn't care about rules, honor or the time it takes to choose.

He's on the job.
He's the unholy terror of relentless time,
tick
tick
tick
never resting,
always saying,
"...and
here
we
go."

The question is,
how will we respond?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The Joker says, "C'mon, hit me!!"
and what does the Batman do?
Just what we do.
Swerve and a miss!
Damn.
And we almost had him.
click here or click below

wants to

Big, grey, poofy Gabriel.

I have some poofy greys goin' on
in the front part of my hair
in this pic.

"BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity.

Say only what you mean.
Avoid using the word to speak
against yourself or to gossip about others.
Use the power of your word
in the direction of truth and love."
- Don Miguel Ruiz

Pillows and bed are where I want to be right now.
I don't have a fever, just stuffiness, coughing, dizziness and generally sick.

Crappy summer cold.

But I won't stay in bed.
I have commitments.

I'm teaching today.
In the afternoon, Ploy and I are going to see The Dark Knight in IMAX up at the Palisades Mall.

Sure I could cancel class.

Sure I could postpone the IMAX adventure (I'd lose the ticket money, but so what?)

But I won't.
I'll do both.
I'll teach and I'll see TDK.

I wonder why?

Like really.
I wonder.
Why won't I just stay in bed and rest?

The world won't come to an end if I stay home today.

I guess I must not be that sick.

Something is tipping the scales in favor of school and IMAX rather than rest.

I must WANT to work and see TDK more than I want to stay in bed.

It's not clear in my head, though.
Part of me really, really, really wants to sleep.

I won't stay home and sleep, thought.
It's like something is driving me regardless of what my head is telling me.

I want to know what it is that's driving me.
I want to know how it works so I can tap into it at will.

Really.
What's making me do what I'm going to do today?

Why not say 'screw it' and stay home in bed?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Little Bella isn't holding the camera very steady,
but the message is so useful and this guy is so cool.
The birds tweeting and the greenery are nice.
What he says from The Four Agreements is so true.
We choose what we choose.
Really.
click here or click below

could be sour grapes

bumper sticker from Ploy :-)

nataliedee

We always seem to wonder "what if?"
Which is fine.
It's human.
It's normal.
It's good as long as it's not fraught with debilitating regret.

One of my readers mentioned she needs more time to factor in self-care. She says she gets caught up with kids, and marriage and homemaking and all that goes with it. She wants to learn to take some time for herself.

I read that and wonder what it would be like if I had all that: family, kids, house, marriage, etc.

Than again, maybe she reads my stuff and wonders what her life would be like if she stayed single or kidless.

Taking a quick mental inventory of my female friends, I have a fair mix of ages, marital statuses, and child-having in my social circle.

In general, no group is generally more or less happy than any other.
We're all busy.
We're all working out our karma.
We all have problems.
We all get sick.
We all worry about money.
We all have fun sometimes.

There's no magic lifestyle that automatically brings happiness.

No magical relationship that makes the sun shine brighter.

No magical way of living....wait.
Maybe there is.

Maybe there is a magical way of living that increases joy, happiness, appreciation and fulfillment.

I keep seeing hints of it.
Joy.
Abundance.
Self-acceptance.
Success.
People who radiate from within.

Happiness is possible.
But how?

Appreciation?
Maybe appreciating exactly what-is?

Today I'm sick. I have an upper respiratory infection. My lungs are burning. My throat is scratchy. I'm sneezing. Coughing.

And I'm thinking, what if I DID have a family who relied on me?
It's Sunday.
Family day.
I'd have to drag my ass around being a Mom or a wife or a girlfriend when I don't feel well?

I stood at the sink just now making my coffee and thought,
"Thank God it's just me. I only have to take care of me."

I can sleep all day if I so choose it.
I can eat whatever I want whenever I want.
No one will go unwashed or unfed because I'm sick.
No one needs my attention.

The biggest chores I'll do today are go to the store for some medicine and soup, take care of the kitties, do a little of this and a little of that.

I can take it easy and nurse my cold.

I tell myself life is fine just as it is.

Or am I just trying to make myself feel better for being alone in life?

I don't know.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, right?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I started out laughing, but at 2:45 minutes in, I got all teary-eyed
and now I'm flat out crying.
Especially when he says, "...maybe there is no other half...for this."
I feel for ya, Robby.
click here or click below

Harambe = Coming Together as One

This angle?

Or this angle?

How about this angle?

This angle (below)
makes me look

thinner and younger
than I look in real life
so this must be the angle.

"I know everything about art.
I just don't know what I like."
- Harambe2

Harambe2 made a comment on my blog a couple of days ago.
She asked SUCH a good question I'm going to answer it in my blog post today.

Here's what she wrote:

When I'm feeling fat and unworthy it may just be my mind shifting focus from the thing that is really bothering me.
I can see how that might be true.
But... (and there's always a but isn't there)
I mean, I am fat.
How do I separate the observable and measurable fact that I am an obese person and the feelings I may be having about the health concerns and limitations that brings from masked feelings I may be having about other issues?
Perhaps I should just read the book you're talking about for myself. :-)


Harambe2, that's a
great question!!

I can speak from experience.

'Obese' is a clinical descriptive term.
We attach all kinds of judgment to that term.

I attach things like
unlovable
ugly
misshapen
gross
worthless
unattractive
lazy
monstrous
too big
ewww
untouchable
freakish
loser
no good
something to hide
lumpish.

Oh, the frikken list goes on.

To bring it back to 'obese' as a descriptive term with no judgment
is difficult.

We've been trained to associate 'fat' with negative feelings.
Our fat-phobic culture reinforces those negative feelings CONSTANTLY.

Plus, we're women.
There's the whole shame factor that goes along with being a clinically overweight female...

"...it is clear to us that
our culture's hatred of fat
is inextricably linked
to our cultural ambivalence
about female strength and power.
A woman's body hatred
is her internalized version
of cultural misogyny.
She tells herself each and every day
that her body is wrong
and that she takes up
too much space in the world."
- Munter and Hirschmann

Yeah, but
yeah, but
yeah, but....

I know all about the 'yeah but's' that threaten the best attempts at mirror work.

Like,
"Look at those stretch marks/saggy boobs/cellulite thighs!
YOU did this to yourself you fat, no good, out of control loser!
No one will ever want to touch you!
You're gross!
Hide out at home where you belong so no one can make fun of you!"

Then there's the physical concerns.
We can't deny the comorbidities of being clinically obese,
everything from
diabetes,
arthritis,
phlebitis,
fibromyalgia,
joint pain,
back problems,
high blood pressure,
heart disease,
fatigue...

I mean we'er CONSTANTLY being reminded of how
sick
and
hopeless we should feel as a result of our being
obese.

It might help to remind ourselves that EVEN THIN PEOPLE get diseases.
EVERYONE has 100% chance of dying.
And here's the biggie:
LOSING WEIGHT IS NOT THE SAME AS GETTING HEALTHY!

Believe me, doctors have blamed ALL my ailments on my weight and made me feel that every symptom and every illness I've ever had was
MY FAULT
because
I WAS FAT.

Will getting lean, fit and healthy make a positive difference in overall health?
Sure.
Absolutely.

But I don't see all weight loss attempts as being healthful paths to becoming
lean,
fit
and healthy.

Weight loss efforts are often fueled by our low self esteem,
guilt over our size,
and the delusion that being thin will produce a problem-free life.

Ok, your question was about how to separate your rational, smart, common sense observations of your body size and all the feelings that go with those observations.

Feel them.

Acknowledge them for what they are: feelings.
Acknowledge thoughts for what they are: thoughts.

Be ok with exactly what you think and feel.

Address the thoughts and feelings as being among the many options of thoughts and feelings you can have about yourself.

Then pull out your mirror work sheet (cuz having a script in writing HELPS when we're learning positive self talk)
and start talking NICELY
and
LOVINGLY
to the body that carries you through this life.

It's ok to have feelings.
It's ok to think thoughts.

AND
we can learn new ones,
maybe even replace the old ones.

It takes time.
But so what?

Time will pass whether we learn new life skills or not.
May as well learn the skills.

The following sample affirmations are presented according to the type of mirror work involved taken from the website Coping.org

Self acceptance Mirror Work

• I accept myself just the way I am.

• I accept that I am human.

• I accept that I am not perfect.

• I accept that I am responsible for my own life.

• I accept that I need to focus my attention on me first so that I can be "real and authentic'' to others.

• I accept that I have self-defeating behaviors I need to change.

See?
It can be done.
And I need to do it too.
Like, really, really.

Hey, Buddha said, "We teach best what we most need to learn."
He was right.

Thanks, Harambe2.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Wisdom from a teenage girl who notices that
society has an unhealthy,
dangerous
standard of beauty.
Change the world, baby.
Change the world.
click here or click below

approval no longer pending

The camera angle can change the
whole shape of your face.
I bet even supermodels look bad
in pictures once in a while...
or think they look bad.

"...healing...
involves "cleaning"
yourself of all negativity
in order to see change in others.

It seems bizarre,
but when you take care
of your own issues,
they disappear in other people."
- Joe Vitale

My Hurely Puff
never takes a bad picture
even when he's sticking
out his tongue!

I forgot to blog this morning.
That happens once every couple of months.
There will be a day when I space out and forget to blog.

This morning I got distracted by the Pokemon Adventure on FB and before you know it, it was time to shower and go to lunch with my mother.

Then errands.
Shopping.
Car stuff.

Came home, put stuff away.

I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest on demand.

I'm nursing a cough so I was just about to take a nap.

But I couldn't nap yet.

Nothing really had to remind me to come here to the computer and write. I just felt funny, like something was incomplete, like that feeling you get when you think you left the stove on....and you're right.

I like that about myself.
My consistency in doing something like this.

It's a strange feeling, approving of myself.
Giving myself a 'way to go' pat on the back.
Feeling O K.

I broke the seal that was holding those feelings back.

I hope I'll have more self approving moments in the near future.

I believe that when we feel something powerfully
it increases.
The positive energy wants to expand.

"When you say
"I love you"
inside yourself,
...you radiate an energy
that others feel."
- Joe Vitale

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...the realm of ever-expanding good
called heaven..."
Wisdom from Michael Beckwith.
click here or click below

Obsession Management 101

Thanks to Marre for finding this gem
from Marisa Marchetto!

Funny how a shift in focus can bring on a shift in.....
well,
focus.

Like the woman in the cartoon above (by the great Marisa Marchetto).
The not-pregnant women are all bundled up, self conscious and shy about their bodies.
The pregnant woman is out there.
Doesn't care what folks are saying.
She's got other things on her mind.
More important things.
She cares less about what other people are saying, thinking, judging her for.

I know how I get when I over-focus on my appearance.
I feel unworthy,
self-conscious,
shy,
ashamed,
no confidence.

Drs. Munter and Hirschmann
explore the myriad reasons
why women cling to diets
despite overwhelming evidence
of their ineffectiveness.
they understand that when we say,
"I feel fat,"
we are really speaking in code,
disguising the true feelings and concerns
that are vital to our lives.

Even if over-focus on appearance is a code,
a replacement for feeling uncertain in other areas of my life,
I understand that I can change it mid-focus.
I understand that a
shift in focus
brings about a
shift in focus.

Acknowledging, without blame, that I have a tendency to
obsess
and
hook into things,
presents me with options.

One (of many) options would be to attempt to be less obsessive.
I don't know if I really want to amend my personality that way.
There are many ways that obsessiveness serves me in this life.

Another option would be to lure myself into being obsessed with something that might foster a greater,
better,
or more interesting behavior stream.

Changing focus can change behavior,
obsessive or not.

At times even my most painful obsessions have fueled my passion
to earn degrees
or create significant stuff.

I just have to catch myself when I'm getting stuck in a rut or
not taking care of myself.

I think it's helpful to observe what I'm doing,
what's getting done,
how my life,
health,
career,
goals,
relationships,
etc.
are going.

If things aren't progressing in a way that serves my vision,
then it could be time to forcibly switch focus.

Obsession management for better living.
I bet I could write a book.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Her name is Lisa Nova.
This is an hilarious parody of how positive affirmations might not be enough to change deeply ingrained behaviors.
Sad.
True
and funny.
Thanks, Lisa.
click here or click below

The Dark Knight

Love

has the innate ability
to look past the human
and see the
godly.
-Colette Burnham

Last night we saw The Dark Knight.

I'm gonna need to see that again.

I never thought I'd see a villain creepier than Buffalo Bill from 'Silence of the Lambs'.
A villain with no fear, nor moral compunction, just madness.

Last night I saw that villain.
Heath Ledger's Joker is worse than a creeper,
worse than a villain, more than a nemesis.

He's an evil that doesn't want money or political power;
an evil that follows no rules of war.
He doesn't want to prove that evil lies at the heart of humankind.
He simply wants to demonstrate it.

And he does.
Beautifully.

The Joker is a warning to the optimistic
that says, "Evil exists. Never underestimate it."

He's a terror who tell us that for every hope there is a demon hell-bent on destroying it.

The Batman tells us that for every demon there is a hero willing to fight,
willing to lose,
willing to get beaten,
able to fall and get up again,
to be resolute in demonstrating that good can triumph over evil
even if it's a short term victory,
to assure us that hope is worth having.

If you're looking for an optimistic summer action movie
don't see The Dark Knight.

If you're looking for hooray-for-our-hero moments, go see something else.

The Dark Knight is not optimistic.
It's not about winning.
It is not about triumph.
It's not even about tipping the scales in favor of the 'good'.

It's about struggle.

It's about trying to make the right choice and failing.

It's about persisting against a foe who will not die and who will not leave you alone.

Why do we fall?
So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.
But just because we picked ourselves up doesn't mean the universe is going to reward us.

Picking ourselves up doesn't guarantee that we'll stay up.
Life doesn't work that way.

It's about the fight.

We pick ourselves up so we can say, "You can't kill me," but with our next breath we say,
"but I know you're gonna keep on trying."
Yet, we don't stay down.

Hope is not the light that shines at us like a pinpoint in the distance.
There is no light in the distance.

We generate our own light.

Hope is our resolve in spite of relentless darkness.
Hope is our will to persist.

We're given a choice.
We can cower in fear
or press on in the blackness knowing we're going to fall,
knowing we're going to get hurt,
wondering if that light in the distance was ever even possible,
yet fighting anyway
because we can.
Fighting is the right thing to do, even if we can't win.

It's the right thing to do because we say it is.

We affirm it with a resolve that needs no light from outside,
no light in the distance,
a resolve to fight no matter how long the darkness persists.

It's not what we're fighting for that even matters.
It's the fight itself.

I will not be beaten.
I will not stay down.

Go see it,
preferably in IMAX.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...nothing in his pockets but knives and lint..."
click here or click below

let's put a smile on that face

I em holding zee Batmanz!!

Tonight we make our holy pilgrimage to see The Dark Knight.
We'd be making the holy pilgrimage to see it in NY on IMAX but the shows are all sold out!
Can you believe it??
Like, even the 2:00pm show today is sold out!

Crazy!

So we're settling for 35mm at the Clifton Commons...sigh.

It will be awesome nonetheless.

Dark.
Angsty.
Filled with morally compromising situations.
Self doubt.
Identity issues.
Inner turmoil.
Insanity.

Cuz even when it comes to entertainment,
I like that kinda stuff.
haha

I was talking about karma in class yesterday.

We attract exactly what we need,
want,
desire,
what will evolve us,
in life,
even stuff that hurts.

"Life
will give you
whatever experience
is most helpful
for the evolution of your
consciousness."
- E Tolle

I'm learning to feel less victimized by the situations I attract.
I'm learning to embrace the hurt as something I must have desired.

I feel less out of control about it.
More looking-for-the-lesson about it.

If I desire less hurt,
I can attract less hurt.

Even if I think of a certain person, place or thing
and I experience the (perceived) heartache that I'm currently attaching to that person, place or thing, I'm learning to accept it as exactly what I've attracted into my life.


If hurt is happening over and over and over in my life, I need to look at why.

Critics of The Secret and other new agey stuff might criticize the law of attraction and such as being too blame-the-victim-ish.

But I'm not talking about cancer patients and earthquake survivors here.

I'm talking about day to day life stuff.
Career,
relationship,
family,
interpersonal interactions,
those kinds of situations.
The mundane dissatisfaction of every day patterns.

If I'm all heartbreak-y over someone (like I am now)
I need to look at WHY I, at a subconscious level,
attracted that heartbreak into my life.

So, I looked at how I was feeling.
It's the same way I always seem to feel at this stage of my
obsession cycle.

I thought, "I wish I could find someone who will accept me as a blessing rather than avoid me as an inconvenience."

And then it hit me.

Flashback to childhood.
My tired, often double-shift working, father comes home from work.
He's hungry, exhausted and grouchy.

The first thing my mother does is nag him.

The content of that nagging is often a guilt trip about playing with me.

Father just wants to relax and read the paper.

Mother nags.

I feel bad.

I don't want Daddy to be pressured into playing with me.
I don't want him to pay attention to me because he was nagged.
I sense that he's tired.
I would rather he relax.
I've been playing alone all day, it's no biggie to continue to do so.

I'm just happy he's home.
If he reads the paper while I color or read in the same room with him,
I'm cool with that.

Mother nags him to pay direct attention to me.

Just to shut her up, he tries.

Conflicted daughter is caught in the middle.
I want him to relax and read the paper cuz I know that's what he really wants to do.
Mother yells.
Father yells.

Daughter tries to say whatever she has to say to make them shut up.

Mother, please go back to your cooking.
Father please just chill out and read the paper.

I'm fine.
Just fine.

Episode repeats day after day after day.

Now as an adult I set up situations for myself where I 'love' a guy who would
RATHER
JUST
BE
LEFT
ALONE.
Not cuz he doesn't love me.
Hey, they've all loved me.
Really, truly, the do.

They just don't know how to express it.

They just don't want to get-into-it with me.
Whatever "it" is.

So, what is this pattern in my life?
Maybe it's a way to relive or rewrite history, to deal with emotions that are familiar, to confirm an identity created by childhood interactions with my parents - the needy child who wants love and attention from someone who's uncomfortable giving it.

So, HOW do I break the pattern?
Maybe
focus on folks who DO regard me as a blessing rather than an inconvenience.

Pay attention to the ones who pay attention to me.

Reward expressive love and loyalty with my expressive love and loyalty.

Romantically, the glitch is that the ones who are emotionally unavailable/inconvenienced are the ones to whom I'm most attracted.

That's where will has to come in.

I have to WILL myself to love those who love me.
I have to WILL myself to appreciate those who love me expressively, outwardly, not at a put-upon distance, not from behind a 'newspaper'.

sigh

This is gonna be work.

Thank God for welcome distractions like The Dark Knight.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
How?
How do we love ourselves into wellness, flourishing, being?
"stop all criticism...now and forever more..."
That's what Louise Hay says is the first step in self love.
This is GREAT stuff!!
click here or click below

when I looked my worst...

Oh, dear God, look at that
batwing attached to my upper arm.
Really, would anyone deny me
the freedom of a nice bracheoplasty?

Isn't it always the way?
When you
look your worst
and
you least expect it
someone notices you.

Such a message from the universe that unhooking (forcing myself to unhook)
from my latest pre-occupation will evolve me more than if I stayed hooked and pre-occupied.

I say "will evolve me more" rather than "is right" or " is better".
Sometimes "right" and "wrong" and " better"are not the best labels.
There's stuff that evolves us in one direction and stuff that evolves us in other directions.

There are many paths to enlightenment.
Are any of them right? or wrong?
I dare not label.
I would not limit experience in that way.

Anyway...
so this hot young guy was checking me out.

Fer serious.

And let me tell you,
I looked like CRAP!

My hair was dirty-ish and full of conditioner, pulled back in a ponytail.
No make-up.
A stained, tank top that was all pilled and gross and way too big on me.
I wasn't even wearing a decent bra.
I was wearing one of my old sports bras from my 377 pound days.
It was less of a bra and more of a just-wear-something-between-me-and-the-tank-top kinda thing.
My feet were in need of a pedicure, badly!

Hey, it was laundry day.
I was in chore mode.
Who the heck was going to see me?

Mmm, hmm.

Wouldn't you know it.

Someone saw me.

I pulled up to my favorite laundromat in that strip mall near my apartment.
It's one of those go-there-for-everything strip malls.
My 7-11 is there.
My mani pedi nail place is there.
The Italian joint and Chinese place we order from most are there.
And, of course, a bagel shoppe.

I go into that bagel place at least once a week to get my mother's favorite roast beef sub with the shredded lettuce, just like she likes it.

They make some great Oat Bran bagels.

They have terrific smoked turkey.

And guys.
Adorable guys.
I don't know what it is about bagel shoppes but...sigh.

Ok, so yesterday I pull up outside the laundromat and I see one of the guys.
I've seen him 100 times before.
The cute, chubby one with the curly black hair and big, girly eyes (I'm guessing he's in his early 20s...and don't say he's too young for me. That would be horribly ageist.).
He was emptying something into the dumpster next to the laundromat.
He had his back to me.

For a brief moment I thought ... well, I don't know quite what I thought.
It was so fleeting.
There were a few mixed thoughts all at once.

I noticed how shiny his hair was,
how loosely curly,
how the sultry, 90 degree air makes everyone
more magnetic
and I wished I was young and pretty.

Fleeting ideas.

Those ideas were all jumbled together in a blink of a thought.

Just at the moment I had that jumbled blink-thought,
he turned his head around and looked at me.

Not cuz he was turning around fully.
He was not yet finished with what he was doing.
It was a head snap.

It was as if I had said, "Hey".
He had heard me.
Something in him
had heard
something in me.

I stayed in my car and broke eye contact, ashamed of myself.
I mean, I looked like crap.
There was no way he was looking with anything but disgust, right?

He went back inside.
I went about my business.

Laundry
laundry
laundry,
in and out of my car with bags and stuff.

I leaned inside my back seat to fetch the detergent and heard a voice.
"What year is your car?"

I thought nothing of it.
Someone was talking,
obviously not to me,
I scowled as I went about my chores.

As I stood upright, detergent in hand, there he was standing in front of my car.

He asked me again, "What year is this?"

Talking to me??
Politely, I engaged him in conversation.

We chatted about our old Tercels.
He has a '91.
Mine is a '93.
His has over 200k miles.
Reliable.
They don't make them like this anymore.
blah blah blah

Right away my mind started rationalizing his talking to me.
I thought,
he must be bored,
he would rather talk to an old hag like me than do his work,
he's seen me in the bagel shoppe before and is just being friendly,
there's no way he's flirting with me.
Nope, no way.

I was wrong.

Long story short, he hit on me.

All within the context of polite conversation,
asked if I was married,
asked who I lived with,
asked why I had no boyfriend "a beautiful woman like me".

"I don't know why I'm single," I answered, "I really don't know."
"You better work on that," he said smiling.

Asked what I was doing....what I was up to....I dodged his questions, fended him off.
Made like I was busy.
Dismissed him.

Went about my laundry.

But, WOW!
I was inwardly giddy for the rest of the day.

I was hit on!
Hit on
when I looked like crap!

CRAP!

Cute young guy!

The ego boost was indescribable.

What will I do about it?
Well, I'd be all embarrassed and avoid him if I could,
but it's my mother's favorite place to get sandwiches after all.

I'll HAVE to go in there eventually.

I wonder if he'll even recognize me if he sees me in make-up and nice clothes??

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I thought this commercial was appropriate for today.
Hahhaha
Marni and I love this one starring Felicia Day.
click here or click below

and now for something not at all different

It's not that bad.
Half the trauma I'm suffering over this latest "whatever" is all-in-my-head anyway.

I ran it past some
steady
stable
sane
folks I know.
They reassured me
and I feel better now.

My behavior was not out of line.
I'm not a crazy stalker.
I did nothing to be ashamed of.
It's all ok.

The "excessive attention" was not excessive.
It was within the boundaries of pretty f***ing normal.
Nothing to worry about.
Fer real.

But I'm left with my behavior pattern to figure out
and possibly change.

I acknowledge that I get
fixated
obsessed
pre-occupied with ______
(fill in the blank with anything from
a TV show
to a celebrit
or film
to a real live person
to a project
to FOOD).

The object of my fixation is a hook
a lure
a transitional object if you will.

Looking forward to it lights me up.
It gets me out of bed in the morning.
It makes me feel excited to be alive.

Yeah, food used to get me out of bed in the morning.
I remember McDonald's breakfasts.
And I say breakfastS because I would sit in my car and eat three or four of them at a time.
I loved those flat sausage patties.
I loved the margarine-soaked fluffy eggs.
The greasy, doughy biscuits.
Fake cheese.
Mediocre coffee.

On a Sunday morning like this, up early,
well slept the night before,
ready to take on the day,
I'd go and ruin it with 4 breakfasts in my car
then come home and crawl back into bed to suffer the
long
hard
digestive process.

Thank God that's over.

But the obsessive tendencies are not over.

I can get hooked on a person just as easily.
And the same way McDonald's breakfast supplied
paltry nutrition,
sickness rather than satiety,
and a waste of time and money,

so the obsessive hook supplies
paltry interaction,
wanting with no having,
and a zapping of energy.

But it supplies glitter as well.
It can fuel some actual productive stuff,
real big accomplishments.

Did you see Hellboy 2?
The ectoplasmic psychic - basically a bunch of mist - Johann, was contained in a robotic suit that allowed him to walk around and interact like a humanoid.
Wjem he's not contained in his suit he seeps out like a milky fog and inhabits a different host.
He transfers himself.

Just like my obsessive tendencies.
The mist is the same.
The mist is me.
I just seep into and onto the hook of the moment.

I can look back at past obsessions and recognize the feelings,
the same feelings,
transferred onto the hook of the moment.
Same intensity.
Same over focus.
Same under-responsive object of that focus.

That's how I can reassure myself that the current hurts will pass.
I know that whatever disappointments have come from the current hook's behavior,
the pains I feel,
will lose their sting once I seep onto the next thing.

Then I'll look back and think 'ewwww, how could I have cared so much about ______?"

But
and there's always a big BUTT don't cha know,
the big but is
that it's not always disappointing.

The desire associated with the hook-object is sometimes fulfilled.
Rarely, but it has happened in my life.
I get a big response,
feedback,
satisfaction of some kind
And it can be very
very
very
VERY
good.

Better than satisfying.
Like weepy,
joyful, wow-za good.

The elation!
The ecstatic joy!
The DEEP satisfaction.

Kinda like a compulsive gambler.
It's mostly
lose
lose
lose
lose
but when there's a win,
whooo hooo!!
Ain't nothing like that high.

Today, I have laundry to do.
A sh*t load.
Like 9 or 12 loads of laundry.

Laundry and no hook to get me through it.
No reason to come home and jump online to check on ________
(fill in the blank with hook of the moment).
No emotional highs and lows associated with the hook.

Just chores and the calm satisfaction that comes with taking care of myself.

How boring.

How dreadful.

No food to glitter it up.

No hook to entertain my emotions.

Dear God, help me get through this.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I'm going to see Dark Knight on Tuesday.
I'm sure I'll feel better once I see the inner turmoil,
angst and identity issues of an awesome superhero
and his villains.
Here's a parody of the Mac vs PC commercials with Ironman and Batman.
Frikken hilarious.
Thanks KG.
click here or click below

problem with the Golden Rule

Yeah, I have a problem with The Golden Rule.

What does the Golden Rule say?

"Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you."
or
"treat others as you would like to be treated."

The Golden Rule needs fixing.
It SHOULD say: "Do unto others as THEY WOULD HAVE YOU DO UNTO THEM."

Cuz what I've learned in my half a life on this earth is that
many folks don't want to be treated the way I want to be treated...when it comes to certain things.

I have to remember that just because I have a Madonna-like need for excessive attention
that doesn't mean other people like that kind of excessive attention.

I like to think that I'm a person with empathy,
but sometimes I don't do well at putting myself in the other person's shoes.

I retain too much of myself while imagining being in their shoes
and I mistakenly think they want the same things I want.
I mistakenly think that the things that please me will please them.

And they don't like it.
And being the unrelenting person that I am, they sometimes end up not liking me.
Then I slink away in shame,
beating myself for not behaving better,
beating myself for not knowing better
or blaming myself for being unlovable.

It is part (a big part) of my karma in life to break this cycle of behavior...
even though I pretty much inherited it.

I was at lunch with my mother yesterday.
I dabbed at my eyes periodically whenever I thought of a recent cut-off in my life (very recent).
She recognized it.
She recognized the look on my face,
my posture,
my stiff upper lippy-ness.

She said,
"I know it hurts.
It hurts when you love someone.
Love hurts bad.
And when the person doesn't love you back you wonder,
'What's wrong with me?
Why am I not love-able?'
Lis, I never found love in this life.
I've loved but I never felt loved by anyone...I don't mean family and friends, I mean romantically.
And when you don't have that
you feel empty like something's missing in your life.
And it hurts.
Don't cry.
You have other things to worry about now."

She was right.
I do have plenty to do now,
getting my career in order,
getting that big job,
getting back to the gym,
getting lean, strong and healthy
writing the book,
life, life, life.

But the cut-off still hurts.

Not in a rational way.
It hurts completely irrationally.

That's how love is, I guess.
Hurtful.
Wonderful when it works.
Downright hellish when it doesn't.

sigh

Back to my behavior.
I've GOT to break this cycle of
crush,
obsess,
alienate,
heartbreak.

My bestests are saying this pattern is understandable.
They acknowledge that I've been hurt BADly in my actual relationships so I'm protecting myself by having imaginary ones.
They're saying that crushing is a way to feel the highs and lows of love without the risks involved with actual intimacy and relating.

I get that.
But as we know, understanding a thing doesn't necessarily change a thing.

I found a forum where folks were talking about obsessive crushes.
It gave me hope.
H= hearing
O= other
P= people's
E= experiences

Here's what a few of them said:

"That is literally the story of my life just about up until the time I met husband. I had...a lot of emotional problems growing up. I would attach myself to my latest fixation and literally become obsessed with them. No one can match that kind of overwhelming fixation but they didn't even like me half of the time. I got my heart broken a LOT and was even suicidal as a teen because of this."

"Yep. Followed the guy around for 2 years, got his locker combination... pretty much stalked the poor guy. In this day and age, a restraining order might have been issued.
The only thing that made him tolerate me is that HE had a crush on my best friend."

"When I was in Junior High and the original Star Trek was the only one, there was a teacher named Jim Kirk and we thought he was extremely good-looking. So the poor man got followed around by a bunch of teen-age girls and we called him "Captain Kirk". I think that was my biggest crush..."

What IS this sh*t??
Is it a biological thing?
An emotional disorder??
An obsessional neurosis??

Whatever it is, it's making me sad.
My own behavior is making me feel monster-ish and unlovable.

I'm almost removed from my own behavior like a here-we-go-again kinda thing.
I know in advance that the heartache I feel over a person will pass.
But the behavior pattern persists.
The feelings of unlovable-ness and alienation persist, yet I feel like I'm doing it to myself somehow.

Like I'm setting myself up for alienation as some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy about my own belief that I'm unlovable.

God help me.

I can't keep doing this to myself.

God help me change this karma.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"I bet the weird squirrel thing doesn't think I'm a stalker!"
hahahhaa
I'm laughing my ass off at this.
omg
And it wouldn't be so funny if it weren't so .... well, it would be different if Judy's mother gave Fred a tour of the frikken bedroom, right?
Still, so funny.
click here or click below

positive addiction?

Mare and me at the Yaz show.

Michael and me at the Yaz show.

Alison Moyet
singing,
smiling
and
dancing.
I can learn from her.

"When you make it your goal to create
the perfect relationship
between
you
and
your body,
you are learning to have a
perfect relationship
with anyone you are with,
including your mother,
your friends,
your lover,
your children,
your dog."
- Don Miguel Ruiz

Breaking the cycle of addiction is tough if not impossible.
Sometimes I think that my addictive personality is impossible to cure.

Sometimes I think that once-addictive-always-addictive
and the only thing that can change is the substance of choice.

When I was getting my masters in counseling we talked about "positive addiction"
which is the idea that self-improvement activities like exercising or meditating can become addictive, but they can strengthen the individual and promote effective living. They are therefore considered "positive".

Some might argue that ANY addiction is a bad addiction.

But there are also those who say
obsession,
single-minded focus,
passion,
and pre-occupation with something
can lead to outstanding achievement,
or art,
or adventure,
or love.

I'll have to come down on the side of positive addiction for now.

When I'm feeling not-addictive,
or even,
balanced,
and
dispassionate,
I feel half alive.

I get depressed,
unmotivated.

I don't look forward to getting up in the morning.

Being addictive
or
obsessive
is a hook into life.

I LIKE having a hook.
It makes me feel purposeful, lit-up
and alive.

But I do want to obsess in a positive way.
I do want a "pay off".
I want results.

So, I have to watch myself.
I have to pay attention to how my addictions are working for me.

I have to look at the condition of my life and wonder if the current obsession is paying off.
And if the current obsession is a person,
I better make sure I'm not hurting them with my excessive attention.

That being said (vaguely, I know, but you can do the math)
I need to switch up.

This transition is painful.
I have that broken hearted feeling in my chest.

I feel foolish
and vulnerable
and weepy.

But I have faith in myself.

I can do this.

I can develop a more positive addiction.
I need to cultivate an addiction to taking care of myself,
developing myself,
getting better
and getting well.

"Self-rejection
is the biggest sin
that you can
commit."
- Don Miguel Ruiz

It's tough.
Taking care of me doesn't glitter as seductively as an other-focused habit.
From where I'm standing addiction to the-wellness-of-me
doesn't SEEM like it can pay off
even though I KNOW it will.

I just have to take that leap from the lion's head.

I just have to jump into what I know is better for me
and trust that I'll feel alive.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"All people live in their own dream, in their own mind.
When we take something personally we ... impose our world on their world."
So true.
So true.
click here or click below

chanteuse

The inimitable,
the fabulous,
the voluptuous
Alison Moyet!

For Moyet's blog post titled
"Fat Jibes Drove Me to Drugs"
click here

Moyet getting her groove on (above).

Me at Terminal 5
for the Yaz Reconnected show(below).

Alison has always been "a big girl" since I've known her (can you say early 1980's?)

Her size never really mattered.

Well, maybe it mattered to her,
as you can read in her blog,
but it never mattered to her fans
who have always ADORED HER!

Her voice is unique,
powerful,
dare I say soulful.

Last night, Alison Moyet and Vince Clarke reunited for the first time in 25 years on the NY stage.
The crowd went wild.
I mean, wild.
Screaming, crying, holding up paper hearts during "Only You",
and cheering every time Moyet danced.

Most of the audience were in the over 35 age bracket.
Most of us have jobs to get to this morning after a night of screaming and dancing.
Most of us have kids who have no idea who Yaz or Moyet are or what they meant to the 80's dance scene (did I mention "gay icon"?)

And nobody mentioned Moyet's size.
Nobody cared that she's a plus size gal.
Nobody judged her shape.
We just cheered and LOVED her.

If she felt self-conscious, we couldn't tell.
And if she were self-conscious it wouldn't be justified.
We love her just as she is.

She wouldn't be Moyet if she were Madonna-thin.
If she were Madonna-thin she wouldn't be able to belt it out the way she does.
(Why do you think opera divas tend to be plump?)

Ok, I confess.
I did judge her for her size.
I judged her favorably.

I saw myself in her.
I saw myself in her and was able to love both of us ("You and Me Both" anyone?).

I saw curves
and roundness
and recognized myself in her.

Every time she danced I thought, "Hey, I can do that! I'm shaped like that and I can dance, too!"
then the audience cheered.
We cheered every time she moved.

It occurred to me,
more clearly than ever,
that
I don't have to be thin to be loved.

I can be loved just the way I am.

Thanks, Moyet.

Thanks for everything.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Oh, Moyet, how we LOVE you!
This is exactly what she looked like last night.
Same outfit, same gorgeous smile,
same magnificent voice.
click here or click below

eating well means eating good

I'm not keeping a food diary until I've gone shopping.
I've been so broke.
I haven't been eating based on optimum nutrition.
Many of my food choices have been based on what I could afford.

But this is a pay week (finally! We only get paid twice during the summer).
And I'm stocking up this weekend.

It's been difficult to live on less than a decent income.

Being poor limits one's food choices.
Cheap food is carby,
starchy
and low in nutrition.

Cheap food is less filling so you tend to need more of it in order to feel sated.

It's been a struggle to eat well -
low fat,
high protein
high fiber -
during these financially lean weeks.

It's been a challenge to be satisfied with LESS food.

It's been demoralizing to have to eat what I could afford rather than
what I wanted,
what I really, really craved,
what my body needed,
and what I knew would be better for me.

"Eating intuitively means
an inner knowing of
what,
when,
and how much
to eat for individual needs
at any given time"
- Dr. Barbara Bersinger

Eating "right" is intuitive but it's also a privilege.
When I say "privilege" I'm referring to eating right as a luxury reserved for
people with money
access
and information.

The diet mentality has convinced us that "eating right" is somehow
restrictive
or
a punishment,
or
something to be dreaded as an imposition
or oppressive discipline
rather than enjoyed as a luxury.

"Eating right" is a powerful act of self-care.
It is a way of taking care of our bodies by increasing the quality of the physical building blocks that actually compose the body.

And it feels really, really good.

Being limited in my spending has taught me to appreciate,
even more than I had been appreciating,
how great if feels to eat good foods.

Good = fresh
Good = closer to its natural state
Good = unprocessed
Good = full of nutrients
Good = feels good during and after eating it
Good = what I really, really want

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I'm not re-inventing the wheel here.
Smart women are saying NO to calorie counting and dieting
and discovering the freedom that comes with intuitive eating.
Check out Andrea Amador as she listens to what her body
really
really
wants!
click here or click below

No Regrets and a food diary

According to some guy on OKC
I look
"wary and restrained"
in my photos.

Photos of Chelsea Rammer
(by J Huntington)
with
World of Wonders sideshow
at the Texas rodeo, spring 2008.

For a great article
and
more pics of
Ward Hall,
Red,
Chelsea,
Poobah
and the gang (but no James :-(
click here.

Chelsea Rammer with Red Stuart (below).

Guess she saves her
Louise Brooks wig
for the NYC metro area crowd (below).

Wanna run away and join the carnival?
World of Wonders is hiring:

World of Wonders now staffing

Be a Part of History
Picture Yourself Alive on the Inside of the
World of Wonders
The Oldest and Best of the Traditional Circus Sideshows

WORLD OF WONDERS 7- PALACE OF ILLUSIONS COMBINED

WANTED
Enlarging for 2008 Tour
Starting in New Jersey
June 16 through Oct.

WANTED
Sideshow Acts
Human Oddities
Dwarfs-Novelty
Acts-Show Girls
Girls with musical talents a plus
Front Talkers
Ticket Sellers
No Experience? OK, We will Train
Truck Drivers with CDL license
Bunkhouse, Transportation Furnished

Contact C. M. Christ
P O Box 907
Gibsonton, Florida 33534
Phone 813 677 4434
Cell 813 777 8176
Email cmc431@cs.com

I should have talked to her.
She was there for 3 weeks and now she's gone.
I could have interviewed her.

Damn, I hate regrets.

At least I don't regret the James thing.
No, he has not contacted me...yet.
I can speculate a million reasons why he has not contacted me.
Of course my mind is going right to my looks.

Oh, if only I were thinner.
If only I were younger.
He took one look at me and thought ewwww.
If I had better ___ he'd have called me by now.
blah blah blah

And on an intellectual level I know it's foolish to think this way.
But on a sincere, authentic, what's-actually-going-on with me level,
it's exactly how I feel.
I imagine that if I were prettier, we'd be hanging out.

As I said, at least I have no regrets.
I gave it a shot.
I did a brave thing handing him that note.
It was ballz.
It took a lot of courage to make myself vulnerable like that.
It hurt to take a chance knowing I could get my feelings hurt.

And I did it anyway.
So, good for me.
I'm still entertaining hope that I'll hear from him.


Yesterday I went to my gastric surgeon's office for a follow-up with my darling NP (I adore him!).
I was proud to have stepped up my protein game over the last month.
With all the walking I've been doing (not taking walks but walking from place to place particularly tromping around the fair and garage saling) I felt confident that the scale had dropped.
I anticipated a 3 - 5 pound loss.
You know that feeling you get when you're on the down swing in weight where you get that indent at the waistline?
I totally have that.
My clothes fit differently.
I feel smaller.

But the scale had nothing to say.
My weight (according to the scale) stayed the same.
I was pissed.
Disappointed.
Crest-fallen.

My NP reassured me that my body was "reconfiguring" and that the scale is not an accurate reflection of what's going on.
He reassured me that I was doing just fine.
He asked about how much I was walking.
He sympathized with my bunion.
He reaffirmed that I could lose another 45 pounds by Christmas.

Then he suggested I keep a food diary.

He reassured me that he would not look at it with a highlighter and red pen.
He just thought it would be helpful to see what I'm eating.

I considered it.

There was a time in my life when the thought of keeping a food diary would feel oppressive and restrictive.
When he suggested it, I didn't have a terribly negative reaction.
It struck me as a good idea.

I'll do it.

I know in advance what I'll discover:
I eat too little early in the day leaving me hungry in the evening.
I eat a lot at night in front of the TV.
I can be carb heavy sometimes.
I can drink more water.
I can eat more water-based crunchy things rather than carby crunchy things.
My portions are larger than optimal for someone with a gastric bypass.

Still, I'm willing to keep the food diary.
He said to do it for 2 weeks straight before my next visit with him.

I'm considering making a companion blog for the food diary.
Doing it online will keep me honest!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Cool video!
This is a stylish way to keep a food diary :-)
Though I don't imagine I could be satisfied on such a small amount of food.
Hey, that salad looks yummy!
click here or click below

making ready

Left: 377 pounds
Right: 235 ish

Me with mah Hurley Puff!

Happy,
fun-filled,
gawd I hate the way I look,
shhhhhhhh
happy, fun-filled...
(left to right: me, Marni, Ploy, Tanisha).

Today is the beginning of a new semester.
This is the first time in 6 years that I'm teaching 4 days in a row for 4 weeks straight.

When I first saw my summer schedule, I was afraid that I couldn't handle it.
I'm used to getting at least ONE day off between teaching days.
I feared the worst.
Working 4 days in a row?
I figured I'd be tired all the time.
I thought I'd work, nap, eat, sleep, work, nap...but it hasn't been that bad.

I have more energy than I thought I would.
I don't feel as zapped as I expected.

I'm pleased with my stamina.

I want to do more.

Cautiously.
Timidly.
I want to do more.

It's funny how our will,
karma,
deepest desire,
dictates what comes our way in life.

I THOUGHT I was ready for full time work a few months ago.
But I think my higher self (higher power?) had other plans.
Spiritually, I wasn't ready for that job (the one I didn't get, the one that rocked my world with disappointment and self doubt when I didn't get it...click here).

I wasn't ready.
I THOUGHT I was ready.
I TOLD MYSELF I was ready.
I dressed the part of being ready.
But I wasn't ready.

There were steps I had to take first.

I think this filing bankruptcy is a HUGE
positive step
in my getting on my feet and getting back to the full-time work world.

That mountain of hospital debts (from about 5 different hospital stays and/or ER visits)
was dragging me down,
spiritually,
financially,
psychologically.

I needed to make it
GO AWAY
before I could move on.
And now it's going.

And now I'm moving on.

Working on my feet in high-performance mode four days in a row is
a way for me to prove to myself that I have the stamina.

I'm making myself ready for the next step.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Here are some GREAT affirmations.
I have love.
I have time.
I am happy.
That is my vision.
Enjoy this beautiful video by
Jeannie Llewellyn.
click here or click below

good bye fair

Chelsea Rammer
(photo courtesy of Sawdust Nights)

Ploy watching her first sideshow
(Chelsea Rammer in red striped tights)

Gorgeous James
with his tattoo that I couldn't get
close enough to read.

Marni and Ploy and the Xebu!

Letttt ussss oouuutttt!!!

Today is the final day of the NJ State Fair at the Meadowlands.
I'm sad that the fair is leaving town.
I like knowing that it's there,
knowing that summer is temporarily anchored there in the Giants Stadium Parking Lot,
knowing that the nomadic chaos of the folks who travel with it have a scheduled place to be for 3 hot, crowded, smelly, noisy weeks.

Tonight at midnight
=POOF=
they start to break it down.
Pole by pole,
tent by tent,
light by light,
animal by animal,
it all gets
disassembled.

Then July grinds down to August,
with August comes my birthday,
and my birthday
marks another year
as Lisa on this big blue marble.

The fair is like a postponement.
It's a way to hold the summer in its place,
a way to be in the middle of summer frolicking,
a way to reassure one's self that it's fun time.
Lights glowing,
barkers yappering,
sirens,
bells,
loud music,
sizzling food,
all evaporate into a memory.

Bye bye fair.

How sad,
and wonderful.

Another year.
Another blessed year.
Another reminder to make the most of time.

Appreciate what you can while you can.
Everything changes.
Everything comes and goes.

Fairs.
Summers.
Life.

Enjoy them while you can.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Weird and wonderful.
The Wade Hall's World of Wonders sideshow
is going where after today?
I wonder.
Here's a vid from 2007 with last year's MC (not James)
and a few regulars who were with this year's show (Poohah, Red and Little Miss Sunshine)
click here or click below

the solution saves you

Sebastian dropped right out of the picture!

Angel and me
and an apple-loving
Shinigami!
(what? you can't see it?)

It's gonna be hot and muggy today.
And I'm happy about it.
Hell, I'd be happy if it were bleak, cold and snowy.
Why?

I feel accomplished.

Yesterday's kitchen/office overhaul project stirred up some major chi.
Moving furniture and vacuuming behind stuff is chi generating.
No, really.
Try it.
Then tell me how much better you feel!!

That pile of stuff in the corner that needs sorting?
Sort it.

The feeling of relief,
accomplishment,
unburdening,
and satisfaction are guaranteed.

Waking up to a cleaned out______ (you fill in the blank) is
so awesome!

I turn to my left and see NO DUST ON THE SHELVES!
Look!
The bottom shelf full of can't-sell-it-on-eBay is sorted and ready to go out the front door!

Stuff I can't use is getting donated, recycled or thrown out!

Taking care of stuff like this is liberating.

And tiring...in a good way.
I went to bed early last night (10:30pm).
Slept till 7am.

I feel great!!

Today I'll enjoy a fun-filled,
friend-filled day of
garage saling,
fair going,
Hellboy2 seeing,
and general frolicking.

It's good to be alive.

Now, if I could just bottle this feeling and take a sip of it
when I'm feeling Bleh.

Well, if I can't take a sip o' sunshine when I'm feeling Bleh
I can move stuff around, do a little sorting and cleaning.

Seems to work wonders.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Measure success by how much you enjoy life?
Sounds like a plan.
Get better health by
GETTING MOVING!
Rochelle Rice is helping in a BIG way.
She's working for women,
to help us move,
express ourselves,
feel good about our bodies.
Joy!
click here or click below

rolling

Readers:
Skip right to the video
if you need something
uplifting!
No,
really.
It's one of the best things
I've EVER seen.
EVER!

Xander Xander
Punk Monkey
Destroyer of Worlds
and his mom.

Nose bump kisses.

"...getting out of the rut.
This is the hard part.
Knowing
and
admitting a problem
are not the same as
solving it.
But executing a solution
is also the fun part,
because
the
solution
saves
you
and gets you
moving again."
-Twyla Tharp

I got moving today.
No, no, no,
I didn't go to the gym.

I did a major thing in my kitchen/office.
I took it apart,
cleaned,
rearranged,
organized,
threw stuff out,
hammered and nailed stuff that needed reinforcing,
switched shelves,
and to the naked eye it doesn't look like I did a thing!

But I did.
I did a BIG thing.
And I know it.

It was one of those major overhaul projects that I
thought about
and
thought about
and
pictured in my mind
until it all made sense.

Then I made it happen.

And that is SO how I roll.

If only I could trust the way I roll a bit more than I do.
I get the guilties during my thinking and planning phases.
I get the should-bes when I'm figuring stuff out,
as if I think I'll get stuck in a thinking-rut
and never take action again.

Yet, my track record of
coming through,
making it happen,
finishing what I start,
getting going
is pretty darned good.

I should trust myself more.
I CAN trust myself more.

Ok, time for some self-talk:

I take care of me.
I need not worry.
I can breathe deeply.
I relax.
I trust myself.
I handle tasks.
I make things happen.
Success comes to me easily and often.
I take care of me.

Mischief managed.
Nox.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
14 months in the making,
42 countries,
and a cast of thousands....
Special thanks to my pal AJ for finding this
WONDERFUL
Miraculous
INSPIRING
awesome
video
(and for taking crap about it from a cynic,
click here and check out the Comments).
For the high definition version of this videoclick here.
Check out "Where the Hell is Matt??"
click here or click below

got to summer

"Time,
time,
time makes
cats out of
kittens."
- Shark Demon from Buffy

Above: me and Sebastian.

Below: me and Xander.

I remember how sick of the winter I was.
I would walk around on campus and tell myself the cold was only temporary,
that the trees would soon be green again, that there would be a time when I would not need a winter coat.

Then spring and summer come.
And I forget to appreciate the warm, sweet air.

Well, sometimes I forget.

Today I remembered.
I walked outside, lifted my snoot in the air and took a deep breath.

I watched the flag lazily flapping against a nearly perfect blue sky.
I felt the summer sun on my arms and appreciated the heat.

The grass was a lush green.
The trees shimmied their leaves in the breeze.
Flowers stretched themselves open to their fullest.
The summer yawned its beautiful, hot, open-mouth at me.

It's good to remember how badly I wanted this.
The sun.
The sky.
The smell of fresh cut grass.
The yawning flowers
and strong legs to carry me around
with no pain,
no suffering,
just some sweet satisfaction.

So when I get all angsty about how "fat" I think I still am,
or my age,
or my shape,
or whatever nonsense is bugging up my a$$ that day,
I'll remember.

I'll remember how badly I wanted to be able to move.
I'll remember how I longed for the day when I could just be lighter
and more mobile.

I'll pause to be grateful.

I'll appreciate exactly where I am.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
We deserve fans, man.
Groupies.
Parades.
LUNCH BOXES!
click here or click below

Marvel in the mirror

"The skill is to learn to think with a
relaxed energy
when you think of a goal.
Then there will be
no doubt.
Always relax yourself
before undertaking a new goal.
You will always achieve it
if you are relaxed
when you think of it.
Viewing the future relaxed will...
bring success."
- Larry Garret, CH

I try to remember that my bad-body-thoughts are not about my body.
They're anxiety disguised as body image issues.

When I'm calm,
at peace,
grateful,
happy,
focused on wonderful things
(like being able to walk
or
the summer weather
or
my students
or
my kittens)
my body shape is less of a concern.

I wore a clingy dress yesterday.
I noticed myself picking and pulling it self-consciously when I was in front of my class.
The girdle wasn't smoothing me to an acceptable level of self confidence.

I went to the Ladies' Room.
I looked in the mirror.

Yes, the dress was clingy,
BUT
lo and behold...
I noticed that
my body was smaller than the last time I had worn the dress!!

I marveled at my smaller shape.
Sure, the pannus was visible.
Sure I was a bit lumpy in places.

But I suddenly didn't care so much.

Being slimmer said something to me.

I had confirmation that my lifestyle
- my diet, my movement -
just as it is,
in the here and now,
was enough to produce results.

Results =
Fat loss.
Lightness.
Relief.

All the beating-myself-up,
all the self-doubt,
all the should-be-doing,
LOST POWER
when I looked in the mirror and saw
a smaller body.

No need to feel guilt over
food.

No need to feel guilt over
rec center/gym and how often I go.

No need to feel 'ugly' over how I look.

Things are good right now.

Maintaining things
JUST AS THEY ARE
is good.

Good enough.

My habits
JUST AS THEY ARE
are bringing me closer to my goals.

The calmness I felt over things
JUST AS THEY ARE
opened up my energy.

I came home from school.
I dusted.
I vacuumed (the kind where I move the furniture to get to the rug-less-vacuumed parts of the rug).
I shook out my sofa throws.
Fluffed my living room pillows.
Did dishes.
Cleaned the air conditioner filter.
Did other living-roomy stuff.

Then enjoyed a nice evening of Scrabble with my lady friend, Marianne.

And what do you know?

I played my first 400 game!!

See what a little self acceptance can do?


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Emotional fitness?
Nice.
Call me an emotional athlete in training.
Enjoy this clip featuring psychologist Joan Borysenko
discussing the benefits of self-acceptance :-)
click here or click below

heal shuffle step heal

Can I?
Will I?
Do I?

"When we are at peace,
we are accurate in our feelings within.
When we are anxious,
most likely anything we do will turn out wrong.
It is the energy we are viewing life with
as we think of the goal...
It is easy to be confident
when we have a dollar in our pocket.
The skill is to be confident
when we don't have
a dollar in our pocket."
- Larry Garrett, CH

I have faith.
I believe.

I have to.
Or else I'd fall into a downward spiral of utter despair and contempt for self and humanity.

So, yeah, i have faith in what can be,
what will be,
what could be,
what's coming.

I would rather be "in waiting" than resigned to misery.

I've always had a little hope.
Somewhere deep inside me I hoped I could get well.
I wished to be able to walk again.
I imagined being lighter and healthier.

Sure it took years to get here.
It took work.
Lots of emotionally uncomfortable work.
Lots of physically painful work.

Recovery requires self awareness,
painful self examination and a willingness to be wrong
(what do they call that, humility?).
You've heard the expression "fail your way to success"?
Yeah, that about sums it up.

Getting here meant falling on my face,
eating my words (instead of food),
cringing at my mistakes,
moving past them,
unlearning what I have learned about how to motivate myself,
and shuffling forward on the painful journey toward self acceptance.

I get it.
That's my karma.
I'm willing to work it out.

It all started with a little hope,
a little faith that things could be better,
an inkling that I might
just
have
it in me to get well.

If you're reading this you have it too.

I hear from folks who are about to or have just had weight loss surgery.
They're scared,
doubtful,
apprehensive,
and just a little hopeful.

That's a good place to start.

It must be good.
That's where I started
and I'm getting well.

Wherever you are in your journey toward wellness,
you are on the path.
Just move your feet a little.
Shuffle forward a bit.
Even if you can't imagine the destination, you'll still be going places.

Believe in yourself.

Even if it's just a little.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Amazing what we can do for ourselves right here, right now as we sit at our computers.
Imagine needing a refresher moment during your work day.
Imagine being able to magically zap yourself into a peaceful Buddhist temple,
breathing deeply,
surrounded by beautiful, ambient music,
trickling waterfalls,
and gorgeous artwork.
Who says virtual worlds aren't real??
Check out what someone created with Second Life!
click here or click below

Good, yes GOOD

Xander Xander,
punk monkey,
Destroyer of Worlds
with his Aunt Marni.
(Check out a snapshot
of my personality in the background:
Sigmund Freud action figure,
Galadriel doll,
the goddess Kali with spring loaded tongue,
my Asian dolls,
Buddha,
Kuan Yin,
a Sufi dervish,
a Magic 8-ball,
a Borg sphere,
Nightmare Before Christmas lunch box,
and my Empire Strikes Back standee.)

Hurley Puff
and
Xander
Destroyer of Worlds
on Mommy's computer chair.

Only change if you have a complaint.
If you have no complaints,
if all is right with your life, don't make sweeping changes.

No need to.
You have no complaints.

But if you do...then you have the right to complain until you develop a plan of attack.
Then you must attack.

Otherwise you must be in a love affair with complaining.
And that's fine, too,
as long as you're honest about it.

I know I complain.
I complain about my feelings, my body, my finances, my relationships, yadda yadda.
And I almost beat myself up for complaining, but first I look to see if I'm taking action, planning action doing SOMETHING to change the object of my complaint.

I ask myself what I'm doing today,
right now,
to get me closer to my goals.
And if leaping forward is not what's called for at the moment, then being ok with what-is might be the goal dujour.

Sometimes I'll be inspired to be actively pro-active.
Sometimes I'll need to be still and learn to love the what-is.

Yesterday I did some heavy lifting (jugs of scoopable cat litter for Mom)
and some hot-weather walking (flea market in the park).

I reflect back on my day and
right away my head clamors with
NOT ENOUGH
DO MORE
LAZY
YOU SUCK
LIFT WEIGHTS
SUFFER HARDER
SWEAT!

And you know what happens then.
Those negative feelings gain power.
Those negative thoughts create habits of negative thinking that breed more just like them.

It takes Hulk-level strength to reroute those thoughts,
to breathe deeply and replace that kind of thinking with
GOOD FOR YOU
YOU ARE STRONG
GETTING STRONGER
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR GETTING WELL
IT'S SO AWESOME THAT YOU CAN SHOP AND WALK AND MOVE YOUR BODY
HOORAY FOR YOU
HOORAY FOR LIFE!

Making GOOD
empowering
POSITIVE
loving
KIND
thoughts into a natural habit?

Tough but do-able.

It just takes practice.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Classic reframing to change negative self-talk to positive self-talk.
Practical.
Powerful.
And cool British accent! :-)
click here or click below

standing now standing

Above: Summer 2008
(walking, standing, no pain!)

Below: Summer 2005
(I'm the enormous one in agony just
from standing)

A little shot of gratitude goes a looooong way.
I was in synagogue yesterday,
a little disaffected,
a little bored (service in Hebrew),
and then I noticed my body.

Sit,
stand,
sit,
stand,
stand,
pray,
pray while standing,
stand,
sit.

NO PAIN.

No pain.
No suffering.

I thought back to so many previous summers (I go to this synagogue's Independence Day service every year) when being at service was physical torture.
I'd break a sweat from the simple act of standing.
The pain in my knees, back, legs, ankles was overwhelming.
It was difficult to breathe.

Talk about a house of prayer!
Suffering,
I would
stand and pray
beg
plead
with God for mercy.

I'd pray,
"God, please help me.
God, please take this pain away from me.
Please help me to help myself.
Please let me stand without pain.
Please make my legs work.
Please help me to get well.
I can't take this much longer.
Either help me or kill me.
Please, please help me."

I imagined what it might be like to stand,
pain free.
I imagined what it might be like to actually
FIT in the pew without it being a painful balancing act to keep half my enormous butt on the seat.
I imagined the act of standing.
Getting up.
Sitting down and how nice it would be to do it without the agony.

Finally, I'm here.
Pain free.

My God.
I worked so hard for this privilege.

I've been through so much for this,
to get here,
to get to this point where I have the luxury of being a little bored and distracted rather than consumed with pain.

Instead of counting the minutes till the service was over so the pain would be over,
I looked forward to the service ending so we could go see The Incredible Hulk,
which we did.

So for all my dissatisfaction over how my body is shaped
or how it's deflating from the weight loss,
age,
gravity,
whatever,
I am fundamentally,
deeply,
truly
GRATEFUL that
I'm here and not where I was.

Thank God for this place.
Thank God for my pain free dissatisfaction.
Thank God for the relief
that I fought and worked so very, very hard for.

Thank Me for sticking with Me and not giving up.

And go see The Incredible Hulk.
It rocked.

HULK SMASH!!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Yep, it's called The Gratitude Dance.
Be thankful.
I'm thankful for exactly what I have.
Today I am focused on my blessings (rather than what's missing).
C'mon.
You can do the dance even if it's from a sitting position!
click here or click below

lil' anchor girl

Moving around doing small acts of self-care helped me yesterday.

Getting a little blood flowing.
Getting some chi flowing.
Freeing up space,
uncluttering,
cleaning a bit,
actively caring for the me who is me,
helped me be in less of a funk.

Small moves.

A small move like wiping up something crusty off the floor.
Washing the big cooking-pot.
Throwing out old food from the fridge.
Taking out the garbage.
Scrubbing the toilet.
Picking clothes up off the floor.
Taking my vitamins.
Moving old coffee mugs from the computer area over to the sink to be washed.
Washing the coffee mugs.

Little things mean A LOT when I'm in a funk.

I'm sure I'm not the only one for whom this is true.

Getting to the big things (like getting back to my fabulously expensive rec center/gym on a regular basis) sometimes requires small steps.

Little moves to build on.

Small bounces that lead to super-high bounces.

Ache-y self-esteem needing little strokes of love in order to get stoked into a big enough fire to propel the engine that is me.

One small move at a time,
like one tiny one-foot-in-front-0f-the-other step at a time,
gets us someplace...eventually.
We don' t always have to take giant gazelle leaps to get someplace.

I know how hard it is to get out of a depressive funk.
I know how hard it is to break the cycle of
funk
mope
mope
funk.

I'm learning that small moves can make a positive difference.

The perfectionistic, critical part of my mind tells me:
not enough
you should be
you're lazy
get back to the gym
you're just being stubborn
what's the matter with you
go lose weight now now now
you need to make a grand sweeping commitment and stick to it or you're nothing!

The little Lisa inside me who needs encouragement,
coddling,
reassurance,
kindness and stroking
hides out when she hears that voice.

She's a powerful little thing, like at tiny anchor that gets caught on the coral reef and keeps the giant ship from moving.

I need to help her now.
I need to be good to her now, especially.
I need to polish my little anchor girl.

As I and many of my astute readers have pointed out, we store more than calories in our fat.
Emotions get stored there.
Negative energies are stored in fat to hold them away from our inner core, our organs, our moving parts.

What happens when we stir it up and try to lose it?
Burn it?
Use it?
The emotions present themselves.
The karma needs to be dealt with.

I have some old, raw, irritated, deep hurts getting exposed right now.

This Halfway to Skinny thing is no joke.

I need some major self-soothing to get through these next few months.
I have a major job search to create and execute.
I have some major paperwork and legal stuff to handle.
I have a new semester approaching.
A book to write.
A body to tend to.
A mind to fix.
A heart to heal.

The funky,
mopey,
why bother,
who cares,
apathetic,
can't-do-it
feelings
are the ways my inner Lisa,
the tender one,
the vulnerable, needy one,
cries out
meepishly
for love and attention.

Help me.
Polish me.
Love me, please.

Sometimes all she needs are some small moves to make her feel OK.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Addiction to overeating or undereating is the same:
self-destructive.
The self-punishing behavior hurts.
Self-soothing is so so so so necessary in recovery.
Self-soothing with positive action rather than addiction-behavior is so so so so important.
It helps to know I'm not alone.
It helps to know this head-trip of trying to get well is hard for all of us.
It helps to let-in a little hope from others.
click here or click below

stuck with my self

Above: Lisa post-grad (2008)

Below: Lisa undergrad (1996?)

Geoff talking to Geoff...
What if there was a mirror behind him?

You know what they say,
no matter where you go,
there you are!

Today is one of my favorite holidays.
We're in full blown summer-mode.
The fair is in town.
We'll hear fireworks every night for the next few nights.
The air is filled with the smell of charring meat.
Folks are in vacation-mode (or stay-cation mode where you stay home to avoid gas prices).

No upcoming back-to-school pressure from impending September.

Summer blockbusters have hit the theaters.
People are hitting the beach.

Woo hoo!
It's the 4th of July!!

Time to watch Will Smith killing some aliens...or being an alien...or something.

So why do I feel so bleh??

sigh

Happiness takes work.
It really does.
Being enthusiastic comes naturally only like 3 or 4 times a year.
The rest of the time, it has to be intentionally generated.

That's work.

Getting into a movement routine, forming an exercise habit: work.
Creating a focused plan for the future: work.
Taking care of the little things like laundry and dusting: work.

Work,
work,
work.

Play?
Recreation?
That takes work too.

Caring enough about life to WANT to move: work.
Caring enough about enjoying myself so that I WANT to have fun: work.

So much effort.

Is life supposed to be this way?
Or am I depressed?
(Not sad, I mean clinically depressed.)

Generating HOPE:
Work.

But I need that hope generation.
I want that hope injection.

Hope that life can feel meaningful,
fulfilling,
maybe even a little joyful.

Hope that it will all be ok.

Hope that I'll come to my own rescue...again.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Adorable video by a high school student for her senior project.
Self-esteem and body image issues are serious.
The "public" (whoever they are) might see these issues as self-indulgent, frivolous, or shallow.
Why?
Because anything that has to do with the development of young girls is considered to be
silly?
shallow?
fluffy?
unimportant?
Girls deserve LOTS more respect.
Their issues are important.
If these issues are not handled in girlhood, then they become issues of womanhood.
Worldhood.
Life hood.
So, let's love ourselves.
Let's be hopeful.
Enjoy her great video featuring Tokyo Mew Mew!
click here or click below

a little self acceptance goes a long way

This is good.

This.

This stage,
this phase,
this day,
this step on the journey...it's good.

I'm learning to be OK with what-is.

I wore my hair down to teach class for the past two days in a row.
That's a big deal for me.
I usually wear it up.



Wearing my hair down represents something.
It represents my acceptance for where-I'm-at-right-now in my journey.

It was January 2007 when I tried to dye my hair blond.
It fried,
absolutely FRIED
my hair.
It's been breaking off at the ends ever since.

I think the breakage has finally stopped.
The hair that I have now, just past my shoulders, is new, grown post-blond-fiasco hair.
Thin, but shiny and healthy.

I had been wearing my hair up in my classic school-marm hairdo to cover up the damage.
I took it out and dried it straight a couple of times, but the effort was too much, AND the fussing and blowdrying broke my hair even more.

As of yesterday's hair-down-experiment
it looks like the breaking is over.

Every day since the blond-incident I had to smooth back my hair and loop it into a scrunchie. Every day reminded me that I had made a mistake back in January 07.
A self-damaging mistake.

Every day that I had to over condition,
then hide my hair in a bun was a reminder that I never wanted to make that mistake again, that deep down I wanted to just LOVE my hair...myself just the way I am.

The daily reminder of the damaging blond, of trying to be something I'm not, is finally fading.

My poor hair.
I'll never do that to you again.

I'll love you just the way you are....except for the gray.
Gray hair, you're going down!
haha

Ok, so I'm not perfect at self-acceptance thing.

But at least I LIKE being a brunette!!

That's got to count for something.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Thoughts are things.
Belief is energy.
Attitude affects everything.
The Secret is no secret and it's not new.
I'm glad the truth is getting out about how powerful we truly are.
We can change the world by changing ourselves, truly.
click here or click below

breathe deep, look up

Someday mine will be perky too!

No glow effect,
no retouching,
just me the way the camera
grabbed me.

For any casual reader of my blog I might come across as totally shallow and obsessed with my looks.

Meh, maybe I am.

But I know better.
I know what occupies my thoughts much of the time.

Ethical issues,
relationship issues,
family dynamics,
planning,
goal setting,
plans,
creative stuff,
deep meaning,
metaphysics,
the divine,
story lines,
aesthetics,
other people's personalities, ailments, disorders, behavior.

Yeah,
I have a busy mind.

Seething, really.

So I forgive myself my bad-body-thoughts.

Drs. Hirschmann and Munter say,

"Bad body thoughts are often ways of
translating your unnamed worries and concerns.
In this way,
your hatred of your body
has become tied
to your emotional state.
Oftentimes when you are
feeling negative emotions
or are feeling ambivalent
about a situation,
you translate those
negative feelings into negative thoughts
about your body. "
click here for the full article

I get that.

But getting it, understanding it doesn't mean it's changed.

See, I get that I have LOTS of big life stuff going on right now,
health,
job,
money,
family,
friend stuff,
psychological stuff,
big
big stuff,
I get it.

In times of high stress I tend to ruminate about how inadequate I am,
specifically how supposedly awful I look.

I could do some CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) stuff and thwart the bad body thoughts, but will I have handled the initial self doubt that led to the bad body thoughts in the first place?

Or will the doubt manifest some other way?

Maybe I'll stick with my familiar bad-body-thoughts and handle my life issues one by one till I get better at problem solving, uncertainty and stress elimination.

In the meantime, I can remember to breathe and look up at the sky.

Take a deeep breath and remember how BIG and how small and how precious life is.

And you know what?
It wouldn't hurt to go back and read some of my past blog posts.

Cuz I've felt this way before.

I've felt overwhelmed and defeated.

I've lost perspective.
I've forgotten to look up at the expansiveness of the sky.

But then I remembered.
I remembered
and I handled it.

Maybe...just maybe...I can learn from myself.

But first,
a nice deep breath.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"... how tiny, insignificant how rare and precious we all are...we belong to something greater than ourselves... we are not alone..."
Enjoy one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies ever.
click here or click below

wanting less wanting

Woman with a weapon = cool.
(I meant her killer abs!)

Get me ooouuutttt!!!!

My superpower is luuuvvvvvv!!!

Her superpower is
awesome-ness!
(click here for article on the
evolution of the sideshow by
Ward Hall)

Things are better but I want more.

That's the nature of being human, I guess.

Back in August of 2006 all I wanted was to lose 100 pounds to get some relief from the pain of obesity and all it's co-morbidities.

140+ pounds later and I'm still not satisfied.

Sure I feel better but mostly I feel gross.

I want a smaller,
tighter,
tougher body.

Thicker hair.

A younger face.

A satisfying occupation (full-time).

A nice car that I bought for myself.

And the list goes on
and on
and on
and on.

Ok, so when I get all those things (and I will)
then what?

Then I'll want more,
better,
more,
better,
more...

Sure, dissatisfaction keeps us striving.

But I'm afraid I'll be miserable in my wanting.
Will I ever feel good instead of gross?

Intellectually I KNOW that I must be grateful for the here and now
with all it's imperfections
unrealized potentials
gaps
possibilities
aprons
draperies
etc.

I know it but I'm having trouble living-into it.

I try.

Really, I try.

It's hard.
It's hard to keep moving forward in the uncertainty.
It's hard to believe things will be better.
It's hard to believe things are exactly the way I set them up for myself.

It's hard to take 100% responsibility for my life.

At times like this, it helps to scoop up a kitten and kiss him mercilessly!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I call it Kitten Therapy.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Sometimes I feel like a walking sideshow.
Take a look at
Lorette the Tattooed Lady
The 700+ pound fat man
Magics
Sword swallowers
Show people
Freaks
"Red" the Blockhead is still with Ward and the World of Wonders Sideshow which is at the NJ State Fair (Meadowlands) till July 13th!
click here or click below