remove all sag

Can you say AARRRRGGGGHHHH!

Cool,
Goth-looking juggler
with
Ward Hall
(click here for great articles and interviews with Ward)
of the World of Wonders Sideshow.

(No, I didn't go inside to see James.
I really, really wanted to though,
but I didn't want to look like a crazy stalker.)

Marni is always pointing that toe
of hers right out of her shoe!!
Boop boopee doo!

They got me!!
Arrested for excessive
online stalking activity!

Amira More Dance Company on the Main Stage.

The world renowned dancer, Amira Mor.

Amira Mor's motto is "Moving is beautiful, is feeling beautiful, is being beautiful at any age."

I wouldn't say there were women of all sizes on stage last night, but there were many different dancer-body types.

Flat bellies.
Poochy bellies.
Wide hips.
Narrow hips.
Thick legs.
Long legs.
Slim, taut limbs.
Fleshy, jiggly limbs.

It was all rather gorgeous, really.

Instead of cookie cutter, Rockette-style, long-legged, professional dancers who all look exactly alike, Amira Mor's dance troupe (she calls them 'The Jewels') was a celebration of expression in bodies and movement.

They were delightful to watch.

I was hoping to be inspired by them.

I was sorta, kinda inspired.

All I could think about was these heavy aprons, like the lead aprons they drape on you in the X-ray room, hanging off of me, weighing me down.
The excess flesh, the sagginess, is making me sad.

I write this, knowing that words are congealed energy.
I know I could reframe my concept of my body,
but I also value authenticity.

I believe in honoring our feelings exactly as they are without guilt or judgment.

This is where I'm at.
This is where my head is right now.

I am uninspired.
The saggy, misshapen-ness is getting me down.
I want the body lift.
I want it sooner than later.

And I don't care if I'll need another one in a couple of years.
I need to do what makes me feel better today.
I want to feel good NOW.

If that means cutting off the sacks of sag
and suffering through a month or two of "ouch, omg why did I do this?"
then so be it.

Ok, so I'm NOT un-inspired.
I'm very inspired.

Getting my finances in order,
getting a full time job,
acquiring the resources to make my cosmetic surgery goals a reality
...THAT'S what I'm inspired by right now.

I declare it.
I name it.
I say it.

I affirm it.

The same way 2 years ago I wanted this bypass and nothing would stop me.

The same way that in January of 2007 I wanted to work out 6 days a week and nothing would stop me.

The same way in 1994 I wanted to be a Philosophy major at Montclair State and nothing would stop me.

The same way that in 2002 I wanted to be a professor and nothing would stop me.

I could go on...really.

The only glitches are other people saying:
you know what you could do?
you should
you should
you should
why don't you?
have you thought about?

I've got to get those voices of doubt out of my head and do what I KNOW is right for me.

Me at the Fair 2007.

Me and Marni at the Fair 2008.

I'm 25 pounds lighter this year but I'm not seeing a mind blowing difference.
I don't like the way I look.
Too much drapery.

Instead of beating myself up for not liking how I look,
why not just do what I have to do to
like the way I look?

If looking "good" gives me confidence,
then I should look good.

I can do whatever it takes to change my body.

If that means surgery, great.
If that means belly dancing, great.
If that means being dissatisfied when I look in the mirror...for now...so be it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The fabulous Amira Mor Dance Company!
I wish there was footage of them from the Fair.
I'm sure SOMEBODY will upload it to YouTube soon enough!
Enjoy her fabulousness and the incredible Jewels of the Desert...
Click here or click below

free and more free

Oh no!
There's a Hurley Puff
in my packing materials!

Xander,
destroyer of worlds,
wants to play, too.

Help!
I have a rampant computer virus!
My system is infested with kittens!!

Today will be the third time in 4 days that I'll be going to the Meadowlands Fair.

This is a big deal for me.

In the past, I would have had to rest for a week in between visits to the fair.
Now, I have to remind myself to take Alleve before I go
because I'm just not that sore.
The pain is not that urgent.

Is it just the weight loss that set me free?

Well, sure, losing 140 - 150 pounds is big.
Bigger than big.
Huge!
If you strapped that amount of weight on me right now and told me to walk around the fair I'd probably pass out.

But I don't want to give the impression that taking off pounds is a problem solver in itself.

The "eating" part of this equation has LOTS to do with how light I feel.
On Saturday night when Matt, Sam and I went to the fair I got some belly rumblings and knew it was time to eat.
I found a kiosk that was selling chicken gyros.
The chicken was sauteed, not fried, not much fat.
I got it without the tzatziki sauce.
Just lettuce, onions, peppers and nice chicken breast on a pita.
So light and tasty!

We sat at a picnic bench and watched stage hypnotist, Steve Bayner.
I ate happily.
I tore off maybe a half dollar sized segment of the pita and that's all I ate of the bread.
I feasted on the nice chicken and vegetables.


In the past - and I've been going to that fair for over 20 years - I would have stuffed myself with carbs,
been guilty and bloated,
and anxiously looked around for the next carb fix.

Curly fries,
popcorn,
gyros with all the sauces,
pizza,
funnel cakes,
ice cream,
candy from the candy by the pound stand,
ugh!

There is something chi-draining about eating junky foods.
It's energy zapping to eat greasy junk.

The guilt
misery
energy it takes to digest
jones for the next carb fix
and
heaviness
all
adds to the pain of being overweight.

This is my second year of freedom from that demon.

Bye bye to that heavy
bloated
sick
addicted
way of life...forever!

Last year was my first post-op fair adventure.
It was a big deal to climb onto a ride for the first time in years.
It was a big deal to find gastric-bypass friendly foods for the first time.

Now?
I'm feeling the calmness of total life change.
I'm feeling the trust of new habits taking over the old ones for good.
I'm feeling spry enough so that I don't have to worry about finding a bench or any place to sit to take regular rests while walking around.
I just walk around.
No pain.
Just fun!

Free-er
and
free-er.

And I'm only Halfway to Skinny.

Just imagine what the future holds!!

Tonight, the Giant Ferris Wheel!!
Whee!

*Lisa's Video Pic of the Day*
Ok, can you tell I'm going through my Buffy: The Musical Episode obsession??
This is a beautiful song called "Under Your Spell" starring the super-pretty, make-believe, witch-lesbians, Tara and Willow.
Yes, that's Amber Benson's real voice.
click here or click below

rather burn than blah

Her stage name is "Chelsea Rammer"
and she eats fire!

I wanted a pic with
an elephant behind me
cuz
an elephant never forgets
and
neither do I.

Oh look!
Full length pictures of me!
And I'm not totally depressed and freaking out while I'm looking at them!

That's progress.

Yeah,
I'm thick.
Stocky.
Stout.
Round.
Zaftig.
Cushion-y.

Being my size,
being in my own body
is doesn't make me feel less like a person.

I'm really, really learning to believe
that I'm attractive in the here and now.

Hey, even my thin girlfriends have problems in the love arena.
Thinness is NOT magical.
Being thin does not make life problem free
OR
rejection free.

A body does not make a person more or less
available
deserving
or
fit
for
love
or
romance
or
dating
or
flirting.

I'm typing it
and
believing it
both
at the same time.

I went to the fair AGAIN.
Last night I went with Matt and Sam.

I dolled myself up.
Perfumed myself.
Put on the "good" bra.
Went to the World of Wonders sideshow armed with a note.
Yep.
A note with my phone number and pics of me
and my blog address
and a few sentences that I'll not type here
just in case he reads this
and
I gave it to gorgeous MC guy (see yesterday's blog).
I gave it to him
and he looked at me
kinda shocked.
A little bit deer-caught in the headlights-ish.
He thanked me.
We'll see if he calls.

I hope the surprised look on his face was in fact surprise
rather than something, I dunno, else.

Darren always tells me not to reject myself.
That goes for jobs,
applications to schools,
opportunities,
attractions to blue-eyed carnies,
etc.

He tells me to put myself out there.
If THEY reject me, that's one thing,
but I shouldn't reject MYSELF without even taking the shot.

Which is what I would have done, but instead I pushed myself.
If I didn't push myself
I would have rejected myself.
I would have wondered "what if".
I would have liked the guy from afar and not done anything about it.
I would have talked myself out of him.
I would have talked myself out of trying.
Told myself to look at the beautiful, young girls he works with (see fire eating girl above)
told myself I can't compare
told myself he's probably married to
or dating one of them
and that I'd be a fool to even try approaching him.

Just like the rotating barrel in the fun house.
I almost talked myself right out of walking through that barrel.
But, I walked through it just fine.

Thing is, I could have fallen flat on my face inside that funhouse.

And I could totally never hear from carnie guy.

That's the risk.

But without risk, there's zero chance of anything happening.

At least when you try something, there's a shot.
A chance.
No matter how slim.

Just like winning the lottery.
You have to be in it to win it!

The downside is losing
and the imagined rejection
and blaming myself
and my body
and blah blah blah.

But it's karma.
Karma can't work itself out without action.
So, act I shall!

Marni and I are going to the fair tomorrow night.
Be prepared for more pictures in tomorrow's blog!

*Lisa's Video Pic of the Day*
Without risk, life has no ups, no peaks, no movement.
Sure I could get hurt, but playing it safe can be like a half-life.
I don't want to stagnate.
Been there, done that.
I'd rather feel, even if it's sadness.
As Buffy says in "Walk Through the Fire"

"I touch the fire and it freezes me...
Why can't I feel?
My skin should crack and peel.
I want the fire back!"

click here or click below

Carny

Read my post from last year's fair by clicking here.

For the first time ever,
I wasn't mistaken for Darren's mother!

Is that a dimple or a crease?

Shannon, don't worry,
I paid her to pose with him...haha
(No, really, I did!)

James the World of Wonders
Side Show MC
who I totally have a crush on.
Damn, you can't see his long
blond ponytail,
but trust me it's there.
(and yes,
he has blue eyes,
c'mon,
you have to ask?)

James lying on a bed of nails.

Knife Climbing Girl with Chelsea Rammer.

Gratuitous gamer reference
(I thought Kai was a Cat girl...a Catiel?).

Hot Carnie Chicks.

It's called NJ State Fair now but I'll always think of it as The Meadowlands Fair.
Last night was opening night, Dollar Night, and man, it was packed.

I think we walked the length of the entire fair twice,
plus plenty of meandering.
That's a LOT of walking!
My bunion (if that's what it is) hurt,
but I took a pain killer and it quieted down.

Other than that, I was not in any pain.
No knee pain.
No knee swelling.
No limping.
No "I need to sit down".

Such freedom!

Darren asked me what I was going to do to get out of my comfort zone.
Would I ride a scary ride?

No.
My stomach can't really handle rides that go too fast or flip.
But I DID want to get out of my comfort zone.

Instead we walked through 2 (yes, two)
funhouses.

You might be thinking "big deal".
But it WAS a big deal.

It's been YEARS since I walked (climbed, side-stepped, labyrinthed) through a funhouse.
For someone with injuries or semi-disabilities those things are FRIGHTENING!
They're an injury waiting to happen.
Tricky.
Intimidating.
Deliberately difficult.

Darren was behind me asking what I planned to do about the giant rotating barrel.
Could I walk through it?


It was the first obstacle.
We handed in our tickets, climbed a few stairs and BAM there it was.
I watched that giant thing spinning slowly, menacingly.
I almost turned around and left.

I almost talked myself out of even trying.

In a split second I was bombarded with negative thoughts:
you'll get injured
you can't do it
you'll twist your ankle and then you'll be sorry
you're too old
too weak
get out of the way so other, normal people can have fun
you can't do it.


But I wanted to do it.

I knew I couldn't over-think it.
There was no time.
I had to walk or leave.

I walked.

I put one foot in front of the other, kinda briskly,
focusing more on the steady floor BEYOND the barrel rather than the barrel itself.

I got through it without so much as a stumble.

Trick floors,
steep stairs,
rope mazes,
HA
mere trifles!!

Then we got to the slide.


Oh no.
The thoughts started again:
I can't do it,
I'll get stuck,
I'm too big,
I'll fall,
too scary,
can't I go out the chicken exit?

I took a deep breath and pressed on.
I did kinda get stuck but I used my heels to scooch myself along.
Down the slide I went.
Wheee!

Got out of the funhouse in one piece, drenched in sweat, but no injuries or regrets.
Awesome.

When Darren and I walked past the dunk tank,
I got another boost of self esteem.

The guy insulted us.
That's what the dunk tank barkers do,
they insult passers by so they'll pay to dunk the guy.

He squawked something about us meeting on MySpace and my profile probably saying something like,
"Girl with Baggage Seeks Dummy".

I was elated.
(No, not cuz he called Darren a dummy)
If that's what some stranger calls out based on a quick first impression that means
I look like the kind of girl who might actually be on a date!

In the past when I've been in public with Darren people assumed I was his mother.
Yeah.
It happened quite a few times.
"Is that your Mom?"
"Is that your son?"

But it seems like I've crossed over.

That carny made my night with his insult.
Thank you, Carny.

Ok, speaking of Carnies, do you think I'll get the nerve to talk to James from World of Wonders (God knows if that's his real name) before the fair leaves in 3 weeks?

Darren was laughing at me.
He said,
"Where does Lisa go to meet guys?
The Freak Show!"

hahahahahaha

Freak show,
internet,
is there a difference?


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Here it is, The World of Wonders Side Show.
The only person I recognize from the video who was at the fair last night
last night is Poobah (Fire Eater Pete Terhune).
click here or click below for video

Snake in a box?

Well, at least I'm in the arena.
I always wondered about dating sites.
I mean, if we're all such great catches on these things, why can't we just attract a real live person out in the real live world?

I wonder that but then I look at my best friends Matt and Sarah who were married months after meeting on OKCupid.
They were like a 90% match.

And I think about the gamers, geeks, nerds and fanboys who don't socialize out in the world as much and communicate more effectively online and in text and how it's easier for them to connect through a site like OKC.

And then there's me.
What's my excuse?

Hmmmm, let me think about it....
well, dating sites allow a larger number of folks to pass through my filter.
I can get a quick glimpse of a person through what they write about themselves.
I can see their eyes.

Ok, so the profile and the pics are the first filters (and if they don't have a pic I block them immediately cuz they're obviously not serious about the process or they're married).

Then you have the messaging (like emailing, but within the site).
That's another good filter.

Then there's the texting/instant messaging online conversation.

And sometimes you skip that part and just talk on the phone,
like I did last night.

Hooo boy.

I should have known things would go badly when I told him I took an online quiz to see which video game character I am

and he proceeded to make fun of Snake for...how did he put it...always hiding out in his little box and getting shot in the ass and some snide comment about gaiety between Snake and Raiden (puh-leez!)

Meh.
I thought it was cute, you know, dipping my pigtails in the inkwell behavior, so I didn't write him off.

But when I got the guy on the phone...I mean...
HOW do you get to be an adult and not know how to converse with another person??
He talked
and talked
and talked
and talked
and when I tried to get a word in edgewise
he'd speak more loudly and drown me out till he finished his thought.

He never once asked me a question,
except
"Am I boring you?"

and being polite I said, "No..."
Then I'd try to say something and he'd start up blabbing again.

Look, I'm tolerant.
I'm understanding.

I know how it is to talk to a new person for the first time,
but I also know how to recognize someone who is
completely,
conversationally
inept.

I won't go into the details of how socially challenged this guy was.
And don't worry, his feelings won't be hurt, he's not reading this.

Let's just say, there's no need to actually "date" this one.

Thank God for filters.

All I have to say about that is: NEXT!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
She makes me want to go out and take a walk.
And a run.
And lift weights.
Her energy is contagious,
as always.
I want to be as fit and glowing as she is when I'M 50.
She's hurt but she's not stopping.
She's going and going and going!
She's Susan Powter.
click here or click below

Date with a Dork?

I look disheveled and I don't care
cuz look who loves his Mama!

Xander (left) and Hurley (right).

Size comparison! Big ass Gabriel
and little punky Xander!

A good long sniff and no hissing!
This is progress.

Well, I did it.
I updated my OKCupid profile, made it more readable,
added better pictures of myself,
basically put some intention and energy into it.

I pretty much have a date in my near future.

Like for real.

Like an actual human person with a pulse.

Like this cute geeky guy from NY, who likes anime and Star Wars, wants to go out with me.
Fer real.

Whew, this is weird.

I've never really "dated".
Well, not 'never'.
Back in the late 80's I went out with two guys on two dinner dates.

The first guy didn't like me enough to call again. He thought I was weird.
The second guy, I didn't like enough to see again.

After that I got busy with I-don't-know-what and the next thing you know I was living with Hister (long story short, he cheated on me for 4 years, made my life utterly miserable, is married now and living in NC with his wife and 9 cats).

Funny, that I'm about the same weight now as I was back in the late 80's when I tried to enter the dating arena.
Funny how things come full circle.

Funny how my hair is the same length now as it was back then, recovering from a too-short haircut.

It's kinda like starting over.

Hitting the Reset button.

20 years later.

Whew.

So, I'm proud of myself for even considering the risky business of "dating".
I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there.

I am 88% sure I'll accept his date offer and go meet him.

I guess I should warn him that I'm a compulsive blogger and that, even though I'll protect his identity, I'll probably write about him here.

Him.

Them.

There might be more than one!

It was mere minutes after I put energy into my OKCupid profile that he contacted me, so I imagine there are more geeks to get.

Stay tuned.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Henry Rollins on dating.
Hilarious!
Warning: Adult Language.
click here or click below

Wembling Warriors

"...the full moon hung like a bloated sack of leftover sunshine
in the humid summer sky..."
- me

That's mah little love punk, Xander!

Xander (left) has a face like a punk-monkey.
Hurley (right) is gorgeously beauteous.

Punk-monkey E.T. face!

My two little kittens are curled up on my scanner like Yin and Yang.
I couldn't leave them alone.
I had to reach over just now and pet them.
Hurley, the shy one, is letting me reach for him without running away.
He still gives me the occasional flinch, but he's beginning to associate my hand with food and love.

Xander was a love-punk from Day One.
Two hours after he arrived in my home he was pushing his miniature head into my palm for love.

I am truly blessed to have such lovers in my household.

Furry,
pouncing,
prancing,
purring,
loverzzzz.

I like what zumjay said in her comment the other day.
She said I can enjoy being single AND still get lonely once in a while.

Funny how I get caught in the either/or mentality that I rail against in my classroom.
When I teach I talk about how dualisms are deceiving,
that black and white are not in opposition but rather overlap in so many gray areas.

I teach that
just because you're right
doesn't mean I'm wrong
and vice versa.

But when it comes to applying that kind of thinking to myself, it takes a friend to remind me that
two seemingly opposite things can exist simultaneously.

Paradox is ok and actually quite common.

So, it's understandable that I would be OK or more than OK with my status as a singleton
AND
once in a while,
or once a day,
I can long for someone to snuggle with other than a feline.

Doesn't mean I'm out dating or anything.
It seems like too much work to go through all that anxiety and social discomfort just for the privilege of a guaranteed New Year's date and some affection.

I look at Mila and Macaulay with envy but I'm not sure I could live WITH someone the way they do.

Too symbiotic.

Oh, and I DID find Junior.
Here's the excerpt I was talking about in yesterday's blog:

"I found a girl (a real girl) that I'm in love with,
and if you can believe it,
she loves me back.
I'm looking at her right now, in fact.
She bought me a new computer
and on the desktop there's this picture of her on the beach.
She and I and a bunch of our friends went to Hawaii recently.
I had never been there before and I enjoyed myself very much.
We had a house right on the beach.

A couple of days into it,
while sitting in the shade nursing my new sunburn,
she decided to try surfing for the first time.
And needless to say it was quite a funny sight.
If you've never seen someone take their first surfing lesson before,
then drop this book
and everything else you're doing immediately
and arrange it. It's well worth it.

On one of her many tumbles into the ocean a friend of ours
must have snapped a picture of her.
Her butt is on the board as she's washing ashore
and she has this smile on her face.
It looks like you've just surprised a five-year old with a truck full of candy.
I'm talking ear to ear.
Every time I turn on my computer and I see this picture it makes me happy.
I know how lucky I am to have someone that makes me feel that way,
believe me.
I'm lucking to have her."
- from Junior (or) Oscar De La Mancha, The Wembling Warrior, and the People I Like the Least. Not A Novel. A written project from the normal, well adjusted and 'No I don't have issues with my father!' mind of … junior (meaning me).

I read Macaulay's passage about the ultra-cool Mila and I feel like dry heaving over the sink
out of jealousy
because I'm so afraid that I'll die without someone ever feeling that way about me.

And not just any someone,
someone whom I love back!

And not just someone to FEEL that way about me, but be able to express it, even if it's the way Macaulay did as a character in a strange pseudo-novel loosely based on an amalgamation of his fragmented psyche.

Ah, well.
Isn't that what we all long for?

The Meadowlands Fair starts this Thursday.

Guess who's excited?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Seth Green smokes cigarettes??
tsk tsk tsk
A corridor full of some of the coolest people in Hollywood...er, the planet...er the 4th ring of Saturn.
Mila smokes, too.
click here or click below

from Cool to Snorlax

Coolest chick in the world, Mila Kunis.

"We like to read books
or play video games
or watch TV
or go to the movies.
And he’s an amazing cook.
He makes dinner every night."
- Mila Kunis

I can't find Macaulay Culkin's book Junior anywhere.
I know I didn't give it away, did I?

Meh, I can get it on Amazon for like a dollar.

Anyway, I wanted to quote him describing this awesome picture of his girlfriend, Mila,
where she's falling off a surfboard and laughing.
He thinks she's the coolest chick in the world
and
I believe him.

She was on the cover of ...well, she's been on lots of covers.
She's done all kinds of sexy pictorials.
Guys love her.
Girls love her too, I imagine.

She's tiny and pretty and very cool.

So, I wonder.

Is her coolness factor somehow tied into her size?

It can't be just her laid back lifestyle that makes her cool.

I'd like nothing more than to read books,
play video games,
go to the movies
and watch TV.
(Well, I do that now.)

But you know, like with someone loving me while I do all that.

I just wonder if being tiny has something to do with her attractiveness and his wanting to be with her.

If she had fat on her body, would she lose any coolness points?

Would she be intimidating if she had some heft to her?

Would Macaulay still love her?

Would people think she's the coolest chick in the world or would she be inching her way toward Snorlax undesirability?

K, for the first time,
I'm noticing,
this girl is wearing
a wedding band.
How's THAT for Snorlaxability?

I just wanna know.
How far off the coolness meter am I running exactly?

Uh, oh.
There I go whining again.
Time for someone to remind me that I'm happy being single.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I love this song.
It wasn't until yesterday when I watched this video on YouTube that I realized it's Mila!!
Click here or click below

no fat in break-fa-(s)-t

Start your day with a good breakfast....or whatever's lying around within arm's reach.

Mine was room temperature coffee (really good Vanilla Nut coffee from Quick Check)
and a third of an oat bran bagel.
Oh, and a few sips of Spicy Hot V8.

Now I'm full.

For througout the day nibbling I have Tamari Almonds from Whole Foods (for the record, my homemade tamari almonds are better).
I have some nice smoked turkey in the fridge.
Fresh fruit.
Rice Cakes.
Yogurt.

I am grateful for the good, nutritious foods available to me,
that I chose,
that I bought,
that I enjoy.

I am soooooooo grateful that I am
sated,
full,
nourished,
and love-y bellied from eating this way.

Two years.
It was a long,
hard,
enlightening,
struggly
two years,
but I did it.

I formed new habits.

It's been over two years since my last McDonald's breakfast.
It's been over two years since my last fatty-mc-fatty-corned-beef-hash and cheddar omelet with sausage links on the side from I-Hop.

I feel so much better eating lighter,
healthier,
higher protein-ier,
low fattier
and smaller.

No more sugar comas.
No more making myself so sick first thing in the morning I need a morning nap.
No more start-your-day-with-a-bowl-full-of-guilt.

Clean eating gives energy
and leaves a clean conscience.

Put the "good" back in good breakfast.

<3
Whoa, I don't know what the hell I just watched but it looks like incredible fun (click here for "Assassins Snake: Metal Gear Solid plus Assassins Creed)
<3

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Nerd humor.
Jedi breakfast humor.
So damn funny.
click here or click below

Regain and Remember who you are

"Remember who you are."

That's what my mother told me.

"Remember who you are,
all you've accomplished,
all your degrees,
how smart you are...
don't let other people intimidate you.
Forget them!"

Hey, she better say things like that to me.
She's making up for years of damage.

But I understand.

No one,
no one ever told her to feel good about HER self.
The way she and I worked out our neurotic,
low-self esteem,
eating disorderd karma for the first 23 years of my life
makes sense.

It was hard, but it was MINE.
My past.
My childhood.
My mother.

My karma.

And now, she's sick of seeing me
think poorly of myself.
She wants me to acknowledge my own talents.
She wants to see me being powerful in the world.

She doesn't want to see me
crying
and
suffering
when other people are abusive,
or
inconsiderate
or
just plain awful.

She wants me to REMEMBER who I am.

I guess she's ready to concede her throne.

haha

Yesterday, my mother and I purchased and installed an air conditioner
all by ourselves.

She kept saying, "Who needs men??"

We (when I say "we" I mean "I" did the lifting with her supervising) even took the old one out and put it on the curb in front of her house so someone could take it.

My mother wants me to be happy.
For all the lashing out she did at me
during the first half of my life so far,
I know she loves me.

She's been watching my unhealthy pattern of
obsessive crushes and unrequited love
for YEARS.

It's frustrating for her to watch me get all worked up
over a whole lot of nothing.

I've gotten either nothing
or
bad treatment from men
for so long it's getting predictable already.

And I don't blame the men - the I've been involved with, not 'men' in general - (well, I blame them a little for being weak, cowardly and shitty....ok, I blame them a lot....not all of them just the ones who cheated on me, verbally abused me, took advantage of me, etc).

But the persistent common denominator in all these time wasting heartbreak activities is
ME.

If I want to change the pattern,
I better change ME.

I guess it's time to remember who I am.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Women are people?
Well what do ya know.
This is what a feminist looks like.
click here or click below

This is what Snake looks like drinking Satan's Regain (click here).

kittens and proteinz

If we each donate just
$5
we can help Ploy reach her goal!!
Click below to support
Relay for Life
by sponsoring Ploy!

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/PloyS

Xander is shaped cutely, cutely.

The twins all snuggled up.
(Hurley front, Xander behind him).

Hurley is going to be soooo gorgeous!
Xander yawns cutely, cutely.

Bosie Zeek the Bumble Bee
is up on high
to avoid evil kittens!

Reliably loving.
Unconditionally adoring.
Abidingly cute.

Kittens are better than boyfriends any day!

They never criticize me.
They're always in the mood to cuddle.
They never cheat on me.
They love me best.
And they smell like butter muffins.

And I never have to worry about how I look when they're around.
They love me no matter what.

Now, ideally, there's someone out there in the world, a human person, who is all those things.

But I'm not hopeful.

I'm also not looking.

I started an OKCupid profile but haven't put much energy into it.

Marni says I'm attracted to men with whom I have no real chance of
getting with
because deep down I don't want to
get with
anyone.

I'm starting to agree with her.

I'm so afraid of having to compromise my
habits,
freedom,
self-esteem,
social life,
online life,
or God forbid my cats!

Don't like cats or allergic to cats?
Deal breaker.
Get an allergist or get out of my life.

Don't like watching adultswim?
Get a friggin' clue and a sense of humor or
yerrrrrrrrrrrrr out!

And there's a list of other deal-breaky stuff that I won't mention here,
but you get the picture.

I guess that's why I don't have a boyfriend.
I guess that's why I don't date.

I don't want to compromise my priorities.
Or my time.
Or my ... anything.

So if you ever catch me whining about not having a boyfriend,
remind me
that
I'm my own best company.
My friends are a close second.

Oh, and my kitties.
Love 'em.
Love love love 'em.

Did I mention that although I haven't been to the gym,
I'm suddenly losing weight?
My hunch: it's the protein.

I know in the past I've railed against protein shakes and the yay-rah-for-protein mentality of the post-op culture.
I guess what I was really railing against was the disingenuousness.

I was not convinced that since having the bypass I was suddenly in grave danger of protein deficiency.
I was not convinced that if I didn't drink (god awful) protein shakes I would waste away and cripple myself (yes, someone on a post-op discussion board actually said that would happen to me).

But my nurse practitioner (my surgeon's assistant) told me the truth.
When he respected me with honesty by saying,
"Eating protein makes you lose weight"
I got it.

I believed it.

It wasn't trickery,
it wasn't wrapped in pro-protein propaganda.
It was a fact that he trusted me to handle.

So I upped my protein intake
(lots of chicken, tofu and raw nuts).

And I'm losing inches.

Long live authenticity.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Best thing about boys??
Their toys.
They get to run around and kill things and beat stuff up.
Hey, don't get me wrong, I love Barbie and Dawn, I just wish they could
kick some serious ass after a long day of designer shoe shopping!
(This explains my obsession with Buffy, no?)
Solid Snake is hot.
No doubt.
click here or click below

Kitten Spackle

Xander under the coffee table.

Mah miniature pet, Xander.

Hurley, the fluffy one!

Xander on the left
and Hurley on the right.

“Struggle
is
the natural way
of
strengthening...”
-John Locke

Yeah, struggle makes you stronger.
So, you can struggle or you can adopt kittens!!
Wheee!!

Rusty (who was supposed to be Cordelia) was supposed to help ease the pain of my Jacob's death.

After all the emotional build up of expecting her,
the phone calls to the fostering mothers who were caring for her,
the vet visit updates,
the scares of her slowly healing wounds,
the visiting her and crying for her,
the talking about how she was to be part of my household,
naming her,
arranging for her foster mothers to bring her here
and sponsor her,
and my feeling like I had been brought into the family of the folks who were giving her to me,
yeah, feeling accepted
and
included
and
trusted,
she
and all that went with her
was taken away from me.

Although the foster home (which is now Rusty's permanent home) is probably a better fit for her,
I still took the news of
not getting her
really
really
hard.

I cried harder and longer over not getting Rusty than I did when Jacob died.

All that build up for nothing.
All that expectation of being accepted and part of something just
>POOF<
taken away with one phone call.

I actually felt a vacuum in my chest, the way you feel when your heart gets broken.
I cried so hard my eyes swelled up like frog lids.

Gina, one of my MySpace blog readers, said that sometimes we need to cry over something big but instead we cry over accidentally dropping a favorite coffee mug....wait, you know what?
Let me just cut and paste what she wrote to me because it was so brilliant:

"...this was one thing you ALLOWED yourself to fall apart over...
this was your crying 'excuse' me thinks...

...you hold crap in until something happens
and you give yourself permission to fall apart...

even if it is something small like breaking an old,
but not necessarily favorite coffee mug....

not the same as your beautiful Cordelia,
but you get what I am saying.

Our cells have memories...
cellular memory...
fat cells are no different.

You are burning away
old fat and old memories.
Crap is gonna come up.

Hold on,
it won't last forever!"

I have a feeling this anxious mania I'm feeling has a lot to do with old memories being burned away
and
the flurry of expectation....more like a blizzard of expectation...over my upcoming life changes (job search, job getting, debt relief, growing up).

I've been pretty vulnerable
and
emotional.

There was a hole in my heart where Rusty - and all that goes with her - was supposed to be.
It hurt too much.
I spackled it.

My dear friend from childhood who rescues and fosters cats happened to have this little pair of brothers, born from the same baby mama, in desperate need of a home.

I only wanted one.
I only wanted Xander.

She convinced me to come and "see" the two kittens together.
I saw them and
there was no way I could separate them.

I took them both.

Named one after a character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and one from LOST.

I'm glad I took them both.

They need each other
just like
I need them.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Whoa, he actually uses the word 'vacuum'.
And I did exactly what he said we all tend to do.
I latched onto the quickest thing I could.
But, baby, I'm glad I did!
I love my twins.
Anyway, this is great advice from coach Robert Silverstone.
click here or click below

touched with fire

Not sure why this one came out
all pixilated
and weird
but you can see
the scars from the shingles
on my forehead.
Sux.

Me with two of my favorite pieces
of student memorabilia
in a gold frame:
the index card from Matt G that says,
"Be Good, Keep Looking."
and a student eval with the lyrics from
the Portal song crossed out on top.

Oh, look!
It's Brian Griffin's nose
sticking up
behind me.

The purpose of my eating disorder is becoming more clear to me.
All this time I've been afraid of my own personality.

I've been so afraid to assert myself out in the world.
I used my addiction to hold myself back.

I've tried to anchor myself with too much food,
too much fat on my body,
tried to subdue my personality with substances.

I guess I have a strong personality.
It rubs people the wrong way sometimes.
Though, for the most part, it endears people to me (and you have no idea how difficult it was to type that just now).

Rather than gamble over that out in the world I've tried to keep myself
in check
by cutting my personality in half.

As if the world couldn't handle all of me.

I'm sure the world can handle me just fine.
It's me.

Can I handle the way the world reacts to me?

That's been my problem since childhood.
Other people's reactions to me.

Hearing
"Lisa, you're so weird," from the other kids
and
"Who do you think you are?"
from my mother
were enough to make me
feel horribly self-conscious.

I'd let my personality out in fits and bursts.
Sometimes I'd get reprimanded
or
made fun of
and lots of times
I attracted really cool people who loved me.

I was deeply hurt by the reprimanders and the fun-makers.
And the horrible bullies who wanted to beat me down for being so over-the-top.
I learned that it was safer to keep quiet.
If I kept my personality in check I could stay off people's radars and prevent
bullying
reprimanding
criticism
and disapproval.

But now....now I'm losing my armor.
My defenses are coming down.
My personality is emerging more and more.

I'm tending toward more instances of hypo-mania.

And I'm scared shitless.

I'm afraid of the consequences of being me.

The question is, how will I respond?

Will I continue to bury myself or will I
just
be
me?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It's good to know I'm not alone.
I'm cautious about "putting a lid on it" since
all great genius has been propelled by hypo-mania.
(Don't believe me?
Read Touched With Fire by Kaye Redfield Jamison.)
The woman in this video is excellent at self-diagnosing.
She has effective coping strategies for her hypo-mania.
The sound is a bit hissy but it's worth watching.
click here or click below

no Rusty for me

Little Rusty,
(who will never be Cordelia)
is staying with her foster family
who fell in love with her
and are adopting her.

“Your task is not to seek for
love,
but merely to
seek and find
all the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it.”
- Rumi

Teaching was fine.
I worried for nothing.

Well, let me not say that.

I'm sure the worry served a purpose
and I'm ok with my process just as it is.

And I sure have been processing.

I found out last night that I am NOT getting little Cordelia (well, her name is Rusty and it will be Rusty forever, now).

When I found out I wasn't getting her,
I didn't take it well.

The woman who's fostering her did the right thing and all.
She called me.
She explained how the family had fallen in love with her.
She apologized.
She was kind about the whole thing.
It's good that they're giving her a loving home.

I was polite and understanding...as usual.

I didn't scream
and rage
and wail like a widow,
like I FELT like doing.

I told her that it was wonderful that she was keeping Rusty.

As she's talking to me on the phone the tears are pouring out of me.
My face was a river of tears and snot.
Gross and totally emo.

It's not that I even WANTED a cat to replace Jacob.
Nor do I really even like female cats.

I dunno.

There was something about the build up
and the not-getting that totally devastated me.
I mean wrecked me.

The
sob
sob
sobbing
over not getting this animal....I mean, I cried harder than I did over losing my beloved Jacob (my 21 year old cat who died recently).

I just took it badly,
like a rejection.
It was a huge build up
and
a huger crash of a let-down.

I even borrowed the first Season of Buffy so I could play the episodes and show her who I named her after.

Crazy, I know.

It's not like I needed another cat, I don't.

(what, what ... pillow-butt!)

It's not like I wanted to put a female in the mix with my males.

I
just
took
it
hard.

It makes sense.
There's stuff going on in my life.
Adding this heartbreak to the mix hurt more than it would have had it happened at another time.

Going through the process of bankruptcy is stirring up all kinds of energy.
Clearing out a giant clog in my karma has things
bubbling
and
breaking
and loosening up.

Knowing that I have the uncertainty of a job search on the very near horizon is pretty destabilizing as well.

So,
I'm handling the stuff the way I'm handling it.

Emo hysterics,
crying,
ruminations,
o c d weirdness
and all the other throes of grief

leading
to
acceptance.

But guess what I DIDN'T do.

I didn't overeat.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Who you are is freedom itself"
I try
try
try
to remember that
very
awesome
truth.
There is this moment...with Gangaji.
click here or click below

grateful anxiety

Summer job starts today.......yayyyy........teaching a 4 week summer course.

Am I nervous??
Yep.

Why??
Dunno.

This is my 6th (or is it 7th) year teaching.
I'm pretty confident in what I'm doing.

And yet.

Call it performance anxiety.
Call it a touch of stage fright.
Call it anticipation.

Call it somethin'
cuz
I got it,
whatever it is.

Is it a bad thing?
Nah, not really.

It's better than feeling nothing.
It's better than having a feeling of dread on a Monday morning.
It's better than going to a cubicle to do thankless, mindless, meaningless non-work.

I'm nervous but I've got something to be excited about.

I guess I should be grateful.

And I am.

I'm feeling "it".

I'm letting the anxiety be exactly what it is.

There was a time in my life where I'd panic over feelings like this, panic over feeling panicked.
I'd try to bury the feelings under too much food.
I'd bury it under food so that I would be so busy feeling guilty and sick I wouldn't have the energy to feel the anxiety.

Familiar feelings of guilt and nausea are easier to face than unfamiliar feelings of panic and uncertainty.

Kinda explains why I drank a bit too much at the party on Saturday.

sigh

I'm human.

Please forgive me.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Need a little de-stressing?
Do a little yoga.
Start by paying attention to your breath.
Sometimes that's all you'll need.
click here or click below

vision provision

I wish I had taken a full length shot of me in this outfit.
I was corseted in so tightly I'm surprised I didn't stop the blood flow to my brain (oh....wait...I may have).

Two girdles and a push up bra: my temporary solution to post-bypass flop.

Permanent solutions?
Weight lifting.
Surgery.

I can do one of them right now, no waiting.

Patience, I tell myself.
Step by step,
issue by issue,
I will be rebuilt.

At least I can see.

Actually not "at least".
Seeing is a big deal.

I use disposable contact lenses and of course I use them for a month or so rather than the recommended 2 weeks.
I stretched and stretched this last set of contact lenses till they were so cloudy I could barely see.

Tried to order more and was told that my prescription needed to be renewed first since I hadn't had an eye exam in three years.

ugh

Money money money money
guilt guilt guilt guilt
parents parents parents parents
bla bla bla blah.

Went to the eye doctor.
She took one of those deep pictures of my eyeballs, the pics that show all the little blood vessels.

All good.
Doc was pleased.

No residual damage from the shingles.
No evidence of ever having diabetes!!
yayyyy!!!!

She hands me my prescription.
The numbers were drastically different from the prescription I've been using for the past 3 years.

I sheepishly asked her 'why'.
Were my eyes getting worse?

No.
My eyesight got better,
drastically better.

My eyesight IMPROVED.

Looks like curing diabetes has some super duper serial ramifications...good ones...drastically good ones.

Too bad the medical community is so litigiously cautious about discussing things like this.
They don't want to promise people something that they can't clinically predict as an outcome
AND
and this is a biggy
there's no money in curing diabetes,
only in managing it.

Medical professionals have no problem telling the public that there is no cure for diabetes.

I understand why.
There are unscrupulous businesses out there pushing "cures" for diabetes in the form of pills, products, snake oils and what not.

Pills, products and snake oils cannot cure diabetes, agreed.
So the medical field cautions the public that there is no cure for diabetes.

But that's no true.

There is a cure for Type 2 Diabetes.

Complete lifestyle change CAN cure diabetes (type 2).

The medical community does sometimes acknowledge that Type 2 Diabetes can be reversed.
They use the word "reversed" not "cured".

We have to wonder why.

It seems that part of their function is to preserve their power over people,
to keep us hooked into managing symptoms rather than curing disease,
to keep us dependent on their pharmaceuticals and their lordly control.

Are they really so afraid that they'll be put out of business if people start to take care of themselves?

Are they so afraid of helping us develop our inner curative abilities?

See, I was SURPRISED that my eyesight got better.
I didn't expect it.

I figured reversing my Type 2 Diabetes would HALT the damage I was doing to my blood vessels, eyesight, kidneys, nervous system, etc.
I was told that once the damage is done, it's irreversible.
I was told that, although Type 2 Diabetes can be reversed the damage can never be reversed.

So, someone please explain to me how my eyesight got so much better.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
That's my girl.
WEIGHT LIFTING!!
See how the universe SCREAMS the truth we need to hear?
Screams TRUTH at the hearts of our beings?
I love her.
She makes me want to love me :-)
Happy to be virally spreading the great news from Susan Powter.
(hahahha I love that she calls herself a MILF!!)
click here or click below

party guilt

I forgot to blog today.
Thought I blogged before I went to my very important party.

Now I'm home after the really fun, important party
and some cocktails
and omg
what the hell.

I'm anticipating some severe alcohol guilt for the next day or so.

You know,
alcohol guilt,
when you replay the things you said that you shouldn't have
and you slap your forehead in a desperate attempt to turn back time.

Ah, well.

Love me, love my biiiiiiiiiigggg mouth.

Well, the
nice thing about parties: no more food guilt.

I'd rather deal with alcohol guilt than food guilt any day.

What did I eat at this wonderful party where they served TONS AND TONS of really good homemade food?

I picked on some salad.
A mushroom.
A carrot.
One bite of SUPER YUMMY lime poundcake.

One forkful of pasta salad.

Marni was with me.
She's standing a few feet away from me now.
I just asked her, "What did I eat at that party??"

She didn't see me eat anything except some peppers off the top of a salad.

It wasn't a big deal,
I just wasn't hungry.

Nice.
Nice to have one less thing to worry about the day after a party.

No food guilt.
No "Oh my gawd I have to work off all that food!"
No blood sugar problems.
No indigestion.

It's kinda like being....
free.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Think Katy Perry had day-after guilt when she wrote this?
hahahhahaha
Whatever she had, it made a fun song.
Cute, catchy and controversial.
What's not to love?
click here or click below

Turn Pressure Switch to OFF position

"16 years ago,
when spiritual teacher
Marianne Williamson
was first on my show
to talk about her book
A Return to Love,
I asked her why she thought
I was having such struggles
with my weight.
She wrote me a letter saying this:

'Until you accept
the magnitude of your function,
your unconscious mind
will sabotage any attempt
to show your full magnificence.
In fact, if you diet and lose weight,
your mind will either put the weight back on
or trip you up in some other area.
In order to lose weight
on a permanent basis,
you want a shift
in your belief
about who
and what
you are.
This is the miracle you seek.'"
- Oprah

Single female lawyer,
fighting for her clients,
wearing super strappy heels
and
being self reliant!

Can I get a Hoo Hah!!

I have retained a LAWYER!!
A lawyer with super powers.
She's beautiful,
statuesque,
fashionable,
cool,
an animal lover,
wick smart
and super supportive.

She didn't judge me.

She was kind,
efficient,
personable
and just generally lovely.

I DID A WONDERFUL THING FOR MYSELF!

Getting all that old debt off my back is like taking off another 100 pounds.
The pressure is finally off me.
I can earn money and
DEEPLY BELIEVE
that it's mine and it belongs to me... because it will belong to me.

All the "shoulding" about getting out of debt is over.
I'm getting a clean slate.

The bankruptcy is the right thing to do.

Ah, it feels good to get that HUGE chunk of "to do" off my To Do list.

In three months, the debt dragon will be slain,
all debts (except student loans) will be discharged.
Die well, Dragon.

There are all kinds of other demons to be fought in my life.
The summer sweat has flaired up a rotten rash under the soon-to-be-slain pannus monster.
My poor raw underbelly really burns.
The evil rash makes moving very painful.

I know there must be some of you who are reading this who know the horrors of the under-belly or under-boob rash and how it awful it is.

Best thing is to keep it as dry as possible
and use anti-fungal cream on it
and
to be kind
forgiving
and caring in my head.

I reject the voice in my head that wants to tell me that the burning is somehow my 'fault' or that the rash is a result of a defect in my character or that
I deserve to suffer.

I embrace the voice that tells me that life gives us problems so we develop the strength to overcome them.

I turn up the volume on my sweetheart-voice that tells me
it will be ok,
that relief is in sight,
that I deserve to be well and comfortable.

And I deserve to be comforted.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Can we allow things to be without judgment?
Direct experience without blame, judgment, fault or analysis...what a concept!
What a skill.
Enjoy Eckhart Tolle from Living Luminaries.
click here or click below

Find the frikken Codec!

Ever waste time by taking pointless Quizzes online that supposedly say something about your personality?
Like 'What Superhero are You' and stuff like that?
(Click here for the one that just told me I was 90% Green Lantern).

I shouldn't say "waste time" and "pointless".
Taking those quizzes is therapeutic for me.
It's my way of relaxing and sorting out my thoughts.

It can be a great self-esteem booster too.
Like the Quiz I took on Facebook that told me which video game character I am...

My result is: Solid Snake

You are Solid Snake,
unlike other game characters
you choose to
kill your enemies using
stealth
and
great intelligence
and also you're very skilled
with firearms (GUNZ)

This game character is the star
of a very popular game series called
METAL GEAR SOLID.

What video game character are you? - take this quiz!

And I'm feeling like Solid Snake today.

Today is the day I see a lawyer.
Today is the day I assess ALL my debt.
Today is the day I begin debt relief proceedings.

This is HUGE for me.

I'm really going to have to channel my inner Solid Snake to get through this,
but it will be worth it.

It will be worth it to get this tumor-inducing,
unresolved,
pressure-putting
debt off of me.

Talk about clearing out my chi!!

It's not JUST the debt relief,
it's the FACING the amount of debt I have.
Looking the demon debt straight in the eye and saying

YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!

It's letting someone of authority say,
"You've had it rough.
Your health has given you some setbacks.
Now let's level the playing field,
give you a fresh start,
and get you back on your feet.
All
is
forgiven."

It's no wonder that the Bible's message (one of its main messages) is
ultimate
complete
forgiveness.

Bankruptcy is a Biblical concept dont' cha know.

This is karmic confession for me.

Admitting I've gotten myself into trouble.

Admitting I need help.

Doing penance.

Being forgiven.

Starting anew.

Rebirth on the side of redemption.

Stepping out into a responsible,
grown-up life.

It will hurt,
but not for long.
It will be hard
but it will pay off.

Ready for a new dawn.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
OMG I love the insanity of this vid.
And I love the craziness of youth.
When you say, "You can't do that" they just don't listen.
Watch Solid Snake stealth his way around the produce section (the reactions of the little grocery-shopping ladies are so priceless) and get kicked out of the stock room of a convenience store.
I laughed so hard.
Do you see why gamers are so much cooler than regular people?
hahahhahahha
click here or click below

Love me, love my BLOG!

Lisa 20 years old

Lisa 32 years old

Lisa now

I know that people mean well (most people mean well, but others are just stupid)
when they look at pics of me and tell me how "hot" I used to be when I was 18,19 or 20.

Maybe it's because I say that back then I thought I was fat and ugly.
And now, A QUARTER OF A CENTURY LATER
like magnificent staters of the obvious
they're going to sweep majestically into my life to pronounce how
pretty I used to be.

Yeah, I f***ing know how f***ing pretty I used to be.

When I post those pics from way-back-when
it's so I can see,
from this new 43 year old perspective,
that I was gorgeous.

And I hope that maybe,
just maybe,
I won't have to wait another QUARTER OF A CENTURY
before I can look at 43 year old Lisa and say,
Wow, Beautiful!

Telling me how pretty I was as a 20 something year old? = not helpful

Telling me I've been pretty every step of the way and that I can love myself exactly as I am right now = very helpful

I don't want to be 70 or 80 looking at pics of myself at 43
and thinking,
"All the time I wasted not having confidence in myself when
I WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!"

I don't want to waste time.

I don't have all the time in the world.

I already wasted my 20s and 30s feeling like crap about myself and not taking chances.

No, wait.
That's not true.

I spent my 30s educating myself.

Of course I still had low confidence and low self esteem, but I didn't waste time.
I went for it.

Now I'm a third of the way into my 40's.

Now what?

I'm gettin' my ballz up.

Fer real.

There was a time when I worried about this blog.
I'm going out on the job market and, let's face it, employers Google potential hires.

I wondered about them finding something so self-expository.
I wondered about the relevance of this blog to my work experience.

After speaking to one of our TOP integrated learning experts on my beloved campus I gained some new perspective on this whole blogging thing.

My blog is about
self-esteem,
body image,
eating disorder recovery,
and overcoming depression.

Didn't I create a bunch of really well-received programs and workshops on
self-esteem,
body image,
eating disorder recovery,
and overcoming depression?

This is an extension of my work.

Sure it's self-expository,
but it has to be.

The "personal is political" if I need to remind anyone.

If my blog is a "problem" for a potential employer,
well, that's a sign that I don't need to work there.

whew!

Now that I have THAT out of the way...


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The naysayers are wrong.
That's why they're called "naysayers".
YOU know the truth.
Go out there with your beautiful self and LIVE!
click here or click below

I'm Like Spike!

cartoon by Leah Rosenthal

Q: How do you turn a vampire into a pussy cat?
A: Gastric Bypass.

Let me explain.
Spike was a vicious, Slayer-killing vampire,
demonic and ravenous.

Then The Initiative
got a hold of poor Spikey and implanted a chip in his head.
Now (well, as of where I am in Season 5)
every time Spike tries to harm a human being, the chip inflicts him with intense, searing pain.

Result?
Spike is conditioned to avoid harming humans.

Spike learns to avoid pain by resisting his urges.

It took a few attempts to make the conditioning stick.
Every once in a while Spike will revert to his old ways and lash out in anger, but the chip does its job and he retreats.

Then a funny thing happens.

His personality changes.

He falls in love with the Slayer (or his latent love for her flourishes).

He becomes empathetic toward the suffering of others.
He brings her flowers.
He defends her friends.

His old, violent, vampire self is subdued.
The conditioning - not only changes his impulsively violent behavior - changes his overall temperament.
His preferences change.
Kinder feelings have room to expand.

While the vampire is still in him,
the conditioning lets his human side become more dominant.

Just like me.

I still have compulsive tendencies.
I still sometimes space out when I eat and consume too much.

But...

My chip,
the bypass,
prevents me from eating fatty, sugary, processed, garbage foods.
The intense nausea I feel when (if) I try to eat the "wrong" foods has conditioned me.

My food-personality has changed.
The parts of me that actually prefer
fresh vegetables,
fresh fruit,
whole grains,
and better quality foods in general
is flourishing while the
ravenous,
sugary fat-eating vampire
is subdued.

Do I still have my vampire instincts?
Do I still try to "test" the limits of my chip?
Sure.

Yesterday I ate part of a pistachio muffin.
It was just a regular,
sugary,
fatty,
dyed green,
saran-wrapped muffin from the deli.

I nibbled at the muffin top.
I nibbled it half to death.
Within 2 minutes I was sick to my stomach.
Half a muffin made me want to puke.

Later in the afternoon I went to the Shop-Rite and bought
ALL
of their Stonyfield Farm Chocolate Underground yogurt
and some Low cal Chocolate Raspberry Jello so that
next time
I feel like having a little dessert,
I'll have something appropriate available and I can avoid a zap from my vampire chip.

Thank God for conditioning.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Oh, My, Gawd....
It's SPUFFY!!!
hahahhaha
Remember Pop-Up video??
click here or click below
Enjoy this one :-)

job ob

toothpaste for dinner

It's amazing what a little chi-clearing can do.
I've been up since 8am working on my Ebay project.
I'm finally selling all the old (but very nice) clothes that no longer fit me.
(click here for Lisa's Ebay auctions)

Getting rid of the "fat" clothes is giving me
hope,
energy,
momentum
and confidence.

Mind you, I've been procrastinating for over a year.
The clothes have been hanging in the "on deck circle" waiting to be sold,
waiting for me to get ambitious.

But think.
Have I been UN-ambitious all this time?
No.
Of course I've been ambitious!
I just haven't been ambitious about selling these clothes.

Even after Dave suggested that I might be hanging on to the clothes due to emotional attachment...I continued to hang onto them.

I guess knowing-why we do (or don't do) something isn't enough to change our behavior.
In order to change our behavior we have to, well....we have to behave.

So, I broke through the membrane of my own resistance and started the selling.
Picking up the first piece of clothing filled me with dread.
Would I have to iron it?
Would I have to lint roll it?
Was it in perfect condition or would I have to look for flaws?
Would I have enough packing materials?
What if I do all the work and nobody bids on them?

blah
blah
blah
blah
blah

I took a deep breath, heated up the iron, cleared the coffee table and laid a towel on it (makeshift ironing board since I refuse to keep one in the house).
I gathered my packing materials,
my lint roller,
my lil' camera and sorta, kinda, FORCED myself to just get started.

Now, I'm on such a roll I had to remind myself to blog today!

It feels so good to be
cleaning out,
doing something I'd been putting off,
earning money for myself
and being generally productive
(without having to leave the house in 100 degree heat!)

In between listing the clothes
I've been looking at job opportunities.
I feel hopeful, more hopeful than I've felt in a long time.

If I don't get something full time at my beloved university,
I believe I can make it just fine in the corporate world.

I got mad skills, baby.

I got skills and the ambition to prove it.

And soon the wardrobe to prove it.

Out with the old, in with the new!!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I don't know if I've used this video or not,
but it's one of my FAVORITES from cartoonist Natalie Dee.
She fishes through her (snazzy and expensive looking) purse for the bird,
finds it,
and gives it to us.
She's so frikken cool.
Imagine doing the thing you're good at,
the thing that you love to do most,
and getting paid for it!!
Yeah, she's my idol.
click here or click below

feel felt feelings

Maybe I should be like
Psycho Mantis
and wear a gas-mask to help
prevent people's thoughts from
forcing their way into my mind.

We DO live in a world with people.
Sure, it's easy to give lip-service to the idea of
letting other people's opinions roll off our backs,

not letting people rent space in our heads
for free,

breaking free from the fetters of other people's opinions,

standing up for what we believe in regardless of what other people might say,

"Endure.
You can be the outcast.
You can make the choice
that no one else will face
- the right choice."
- Alfred Pennyworth

But we're not islands.
We are relational beings.
When folks say stuff to us,
we feel stuff
and think stuff.

The "don't let it get to you" approach promotes repression of feelings.
Pretending that other people's opinions don't matter
is a tumor inducing,
sweep-it-under-the-rug response.

When we have feelings in response to what others say or do,
it's better to feel what we feel.

Be ok with what we feel.

Express how we feel to either the
person to whom we're reacting,
a counselor,
trusted friend,
in a journal
or on a blog,
learn from it
and THEN be done with it.

Pretending
we're unaffected is a way of postponing feelings.
It keeps us reaching for avoidance substances.
It keeps us engaged in addictive behaviors.

It is more efficient, more freeing to
assess our emotions with forgiveness.

If we have a feeling,
a "reaction" (and how can we not if we're human beings?)
to something someone says
to
or
about
us
can we give ourselves permission to just feel the feeling?

I don't want to hear SOMEONE ELSE'S VOICE in my head telling me that I SHOULDn't feel what I'm feeling.

I'd rather feel what I'm feeling
authentically,
honestly
and
allow for some self-exploration.
It seems healthier to try to figure out why I feel what I feel
rather than launch into an inner dialog about how I
shouldn't let people get to me.

Being sincere,
authentic
and forgiving is a healthy way to work out our karma.

It's a healthy way to respond to our own responses.

"...we can explore what [feelings and behaviors]
are attempting to do for us
- or communicate to us -
(their positive intention),
and we can then offer ourselves
other choices for
behavior or communication
which are less disruptive
and more empowering.
We can keep the positive intention
and create a new behavior that fulfills it
in a much better way."
- John David Hoag, NLP coach

Or we can just walk around
with a psychically protective gas mask like Psycho Mantis...

claims that it is easier
to block out other peoples' thoughts
around him by wearing [his mask];
he prefers to be alone in his thoughts

Better to do the hard work of
self exploration
self development
and self expression...right?
At least that's what I think.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Dr. Marc Kern says that recovery from addiction
involves learning
"how to cope with uncomfortable feelings states".
He calls it developing emotional muscle.
So... feel.
Be ok with how you feel.
If you catch yourself in your head saying things like
"I shouldn't feel this way"
be forgiving of that too.
And you'll be ok.
click here or click below

low level good

This is the view
from where I sit
when I'm blogging.
Bosie Zeek has his paws
on the Buddha!

Ah, the first 94 degree day of Spring.
How I love the heat.

I used to hate the heat.
140 pounds ago the heat made me sick.

Today, I could have stayed outside in the sunny heat blast for another couple of hours.
It was awesome!

I can't wait to go to the beach!!

But even from the air conditioned car my mother was exhausted by the weather.
We cut our garage saling short after about 2 hours.

Here I sit at my computer.
Behind me in the living room full of beautiful things,
gorgeous gold framed mirror,
marble garden ball,
a giant garden buddha (heavy!),
a fabulous burgundy and fuschia pillow (still with tags from Pier 1),
a gorgeous wine colored velvet throw,
and all kinds of pretty things.

My air conditioners are running.

I have money in my wallet for a nice dinner when Marni gets here.

My body feels leaner and stronger than I did last year at this time.

Life is at a nice, low-level of good.
Peaceful.
In process.
Good.

I even listed a bunch of stuff on Ebay yesterday.

THAT FELT GREAT!

I'm starting to LET GO of the old fat clothes.
I'm finally letting go of the draperies that used to cover the old me.
(click here for my eBay auctions)

I'm letting go of the old me.

Last year at this time I had lost about 120 pounds.
I was suspicious of my own success.
I was afraid it was only a temporary loss.

I feared gaining back the weight.
I feared never recovering from sickness and fatigue.

This year it's different.

This year I BELIEVE my nurse practitioner when he says
I've lost 140 pounds and no one can ever take that away from me.

Yep.

It's solid.

My progress feels solid.

Last year it was new and a little shaky.

This year I'm standing firmly on my feet.

OK, I'm ready for the next set of challenges!!

Bring it on.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I've always been inspired by Madonna.
Her strength.
Her physique.
Her stamina.
Her business savvy.
Her clean, vegan diet.
I've known her face since 1984.
So looking at her now, I can tell she "had work done".
She thinned out her nose.
Raised up her jowls.
Erased 20 years from her face.
There's part of me that wants to love my body, sags and all.
Then there's the other part that says, "Why grow old when you can look like Madonna!!"
She makes me want to go macrobiotic, do yoga, get plastic surgery, and dance!
click here or click below

Frat in a Hat hates Fat

Robot dog at explodingdog.com

"You need to look
in the mirror
and compliment yourself....
When we care for ourselves,
these are acts of love...
It's about celebrating the body
as opposed to
trying to banish it."
- Margaret Cho

Hey, I WANT to be able to look in the mirror and say nice things, but I'm afraid if I accept myself exactly the way I am, I'll be doomed.
I'm afraid that
I'll never succeed in my career.
I'll be an outcast on the fringe of society for the rest of my life.
I'll never, ever have a boyfriend.

Yeah, I hear rumors about evolved, sensitive men who actually love women for who they are not what they look like,
but where are these men exactly??

It seems like the smart, funny guys,
even the ones who themselves have an off beat kinda look
think making fun of fat women is funny...

Fat women are demonized in our society.
The irony is that plenty of times
it's the fat men who are doing the demonizing.

This little round Pokemon is called a Snorlax.
According to the Wiki it is either gender neutral or can be female or male.
They didn't use a gendered pronoun so it's open to interpretation.

Look at that cute,
round thing.

It's frikken adorable!!

Snorlax using Ice Punch

It's huggable,
cute
and
omg I want a plush version of it.

If the gender neutral/most-likely-male Snorlax is lovable and huggable...shouldn't it be just as huggable as a female?

Try it.

Imagine that it's a girl Snorlax.
It's different isn't it.

Why?
What makes us look at fat females with such disdain?

If a gender neutral,
big
fat
Snorlax
is cute and cuddly,
why is it disgusting when we slap the name "Snorlax" on a pic of a female who's big and round??

Big and round = cute
but not when it's a girl.

Why?
Why the difference?
Why the sexism??

More ambitious feminists than I have written on the topic.
They theorize that society's anti-fat-women attitude is a backlash against women becoming more powerful outside the home.

We've entered the corporate arena.
We're demanding fair treatment in the world.
We're learning to assert ourselves.

And how does the mainstream media respond?
By making anorectic women the ideal,
by making women of size near suicidal with guilt over our round bodies,
by turning us into scantily clad "hos" who jiggle and dance to get the attention, money, sex and whatever else the "pimps" are supposedly dishing out to us.

It's misogyny plain and simple.

I issue this as a warning to men who will try to date me in the future after I've lost the rest of the weight and gotten lifted.

I mistrust you.

I don't believe that you love me for who I am.

If I have to lose 80 pounds,
get liposucked,
tucked,
get new Vander Boobens
and a facelift to make you love me
I will never believe that you are sincere.

So, why would I get lipo-sucked, tucked and lifted at all you ask?

Is part of my motivation to get men to love me so I can reject them for spite?
Hmmm, I wonder.

Part of it is knowing that to compete in the corporate arena I'll have to look a certain way.
Even my Goddess, Susan Powter had a tummy tuck (and I suspect a boob job) and has talked about wanting a face lift.

Going on TV shows,
selling books,
being a public figure
is easier when we look a certain way.
Maybe unjust but it's a fact of life.

And what does my desire for plastic surgery say about my own self love?
Can I love myself exactly as I am
or am I just as bad as the misogynist back-lashers?

I don't know.

I know I love the Snorlax,
but what happens when the Snorlax is me?

*Lisa's Video Clip of the Day*
Ooohhhh, I get it.
Spoiled, white, half-frat boys with baseball caps
don't care if it's a male or female.
It's equal opportunity abuse.
The "Snorlax" in n this video is so brave,
doing the right thing,
risking
being made fun of by working out at the gym.
Then frat-in-a-hat comes along (with his cystic acne and braces)
and films the poor guy for the purpose of making fun of him.
Shame on him!
I may have to leave (my version) of a nasty comment.
click here or click below

sweetheart voice of freedom

illustrations by Penelope Dullaghan

"One client uses the sweetheart voice
when she needs to do something
to which she's resistant...
She says to herself,
"Sweetheart,
I know it's tough,
and I know you can do it.
Come on,
we're almost there.
You're so strong and beautiful."
All of a sudden,
it's not so hard.
Another client uses it when
her feelings are hurt.
In the past she'd use denial saying,
"It's no big deal,
I'm fine."
Now she acknowledges the pain:
"That really hurt, didn't it?
It makes sense that you ate the extra cookie;
rejection is really painful."
When I first suggest this practice to my clients,
they often look at me cross-eyed protesting:
"If I start to accept my weight,
or what I do with food,
it will never change."
My response is,
"Well,
you've spent your whole life
not loving and accepting yourself
and what you've done with food.
Has it gotten you any closer to your goal?"
- author & life coach Lois Barth

I think I've gotten to the bottom of my reluctance to use my hypnosis training (I am certified by the National Guild of Hypnotists).
I was dreading having to work with clients on issues like smoking cessation, fears and phobias, insomnia.....let's me put it this way, let me say what I DO want to do.
I prefer to deal only with clients who are struggling with eating and body image issues.

I feel that's my area of expertise.
I feel most compassionate toward folks with those issues.
I feel I can speak from experience and refer to my own struggles to gain insights.

I don't plan on hanging a shingle tomorrow, but I at least feel the clearing.
By relaxing more,
by working hard to eliminate "shoulds"
by feeling ok with my own feelings
I arrived at this permissive state where I can move forward.

Free.
I feel free.

We waste so much time and energy "shoulding" ourselves to death.
We waste precious life force on feeling bad about our feelings.

"Shoulding" clouds the thinking.
It obscures our karma.
It suffocates our talents.

My cousin Maria wrote a wonderful blog post about (click here)
about allowing herself to feel her feelings.
She says that suppression is self sabotage.
She's right.

When we refuse to face our issues head on
or pretend they don't-really-bother-us
we're sweeping some powerful stuff under our psycho-spiritual rug.
Sweeping stuff under the rug makes a nice bump that trips us every time we try to walk over it.

Try to push the bump someplace else and you just get a bump in a different place.
Or you develop a nice tumor.

Thanks Sam

It takes off so much pressure to just be "ok"
with our own feelings.

And the opposite is true, too.
It puts unnecessary pressure on ourselves when we beat ourselves up for feeling how we feel.

Like a couple of weeks ago I was with my mother.
I was feeling depressed.
I was feeling tired, weak, beat up and a little hopeless and I told her I was feeling sad.
My mother tells me to "look how hard they have it in the Congo, and THEN tell me how depressed you are!"

I guess sometimes it's ok to look at the misfortunes of others
to have compassion for them
to be reminded how lucky we are to have what we have,
but mostly it makes me feel
guilty.

It makes me feel like I have some nerve feeling how I feel when there are others who have it so much harder.

Imagining the suffering of others makes me feel worse.
It makes me feel BAD for them and their suffering
and
rotten about how I was feeling.

So every time I experience a "negative" feeling I should imagine someone who has it so much worse??
That sounds like loopy thinking.

"...berating yourself sets off a pattern of what I call
'loopy thinking' which is an endless loop that continues to spin...
When you stop engaging in that behavior or thought process,
it can be quite disorienting to your old ways of being...
At this point, you need to be exceedingly gentle
and loving with yourself
and start bringing in
positive self-talk..."
-Lois Barth

When our innards are so caught up in that loop,
nothing is clear,
we can't function or focus and we don't live authentically.

I crave authenticity far too much to waste any more time stuck in that loop!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The glow comes from within!!
Yes, yes, yes!!
The sound is windy but WHO CARES!
The message is clear.
from you are a beautiful woman dot com
click here or click below

eating and moving

"Not only is your body cleansing itself
but in the presence of higher quality
natural foods
you will discover the powerful urges
of hunger and satiation...
While toxins and chemical calories
bloat us
and
block
these natural feelings,
clean eating supports them.

At one time you skipped breakfast,
but now you can't wait to dig into
your oatmeal in the morning.

Where a sugar-loaded pastry
and a calorie filled java were once
your version of "breaking the fast,"
oatmeal and egg whits are now your
premium-grade fuel.

You will eat only to a pleasant sense
of fullness and then stop.
You will notice that
hunger is hunger
and like me,
you can't keep from
eating breakfast anymore."
- Tosca Reno

I didn't re-invent the wheel.
I'm not talking about anything new.
There are PLENTY of folks out there,
writing,
speaking,
recovering,
and teaching
that clean eating cures eating disorders.

Ok, maybe the phrase "cures eating disorders" is a bold statement
but HELLLOOOOO
meet the Queen of Bold Statements!

And the Queen of actually living the life
as opposed to just talking about it
or passing-on a bunch of information without applying it myself.

I believe in sincerity.
I believe authenticity rises to the top like cream.
Well, a whole lot of crap also rises to the top out there in the media,
but there's something shiny and glowing about truth.
Maybe that's just me talking with stars in my eyes.

I dunno.

Yesterday, I went to my beloved rec center on campus.
I took a slow deliberate half mile walk around our cushy indoor track.
When my foot or knees started to hurt, I slowed my pace, took deep breaths and walked more deliberately.

Results?
Felt great.
No aches and pains today.
Joints feel lubricated and loose.

Then I played on the weight machines.
I pushed but not stupidly.
I felt the burn but not destructively.

I worked up a sweat but not a drenching, exhausting sweat.

When I got home, I was tired.
Actually, sleepy.
I dozed on the couch,
then napped in the bed.

That part pissed me off.
I prefer to have MORE energy after exercising.
Why do I get so depleted??

Meh, not worried too much about it.

Getting well doesn't happen instantly.
Energy takes time to build.
For me, it seems to be taking years.

Must be persistent, and patient!

I'll just do good things for myself and hope for the best.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Don't starve.
But don't eat crap.
You must eat breakfast.
You must eat often.
It's smart.
Eating is smart.
click here or click below

Fat loss without Brain loss

I did some interesting reading in the doctor's office yesterday.
Some good,
some not so good.

I picked up the copy of Oxygen Magazine's Fat Loss Special Issue
knowing in advance that I'd be annoyed, but there was always the chance that I would learn something.
So I gambled and flipped through the pages.

Ads, ads, ads, ads, ads.
Lots of herbal supplements to help with fat loss.
Lots of equipment to help with exercise.
Lots of smiling, skinny, muscular women bragging about how they went from a size 10 to a size 4.

And LOTS of bad advice.

Classic bad advice like putting a picture of yourself on the refrigerator to stop "late night eating" as if being hungry after 6pm was a sign of a character defect rather than a signal that the body needs something.

Harmful bad advice like shop for clothes in sizes WAY too small so you have a closet full of clothes that don't fit.

I used to do that.

It didn't work.

It's not at all motivating,
it's abusive.

Drs. Hirchmann and Munter say,
"Going to a closet each morning and finding clothing
that doesn't fit is a painful experience
and a form of daily self-criticism
....no more diets, no more self-contempt,
and no more waiting to live life in a thinner body...
declare yourself entitled to life."
-pages 72 - 74 of Overcoming Overeating

So, uh, NO I won't be buying clothes that don't fit,
thank you very much.
I'm learning to love and care for myself.
I reject advice that shames me such as suggesting that I buy clothes that don't fit.

What did I expect from Oxygen Magazine's Fat Loss Issue?
One page is full of shaming techniques and the opposite page is an ad for Femi-Slim.
See the connection?

But... nothing is ALL bad.
They had a great article by Tosca Reno about "Clean Eating".

Yes, she's an author and wants to sell books, BUT
her 'method' does not require purchasing anything except
whole
healthy
fresh
foods.

She's pro weight training.
She's pro almonds and healthy fats.
She's pro whole grains.
She's pro nutrition vs starvation and calorie counting.

Sure she's anti eating after 6:00pm but she probably goes to bed at 10pm so it makes sense.

Although I am leery of the idea of good vs. bad foods,
I DO accept the distinction "clean" when it comes to eating.

It implies that non-clean foods are "dirty" or bad.
And they are.

They're dirty with high fructose corn syrup,
chemicals,
bleaches,
preservatives and additives
and karmically laced with greed.

Over the past two years I've watched my cupboard become bare while my fruit and vegetable bins in the fridge became full.
I've watched carby, greasy snack foods disappear from my shelves.
I've experienced the freedom from sugar cravings.
I've become healthier and happier.

"Clean" foods means the foods are not polluted with crap or refined beyond any recognizable nutritional value.
"Clean" means the greedy corporate monsters who profit off our addiction to convenience have not tainted the foods with refining and chemicals and processing.

So, yeah, I like the idea of clean eating.

And for all its flaws, I recognized the value of what I was reading.

I think it's smart to pick up a book, or a magazine or any set of ideas and say
"this works for me" to the things we resonate with
and
"this does not work for me" to the things we don't.

Feed brain clean foods.
Need brain for smart making.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Hell, I'll help her hawk her book, no problem!
It's GOOD!
Tosca Reno rocks!!
Forget about calorie counting and portion control.
When you eat clean you don't need either.
Sooooo frikken smart!
click here or click below

Renewed!

What goes up must come down
and vice versa.

My dark mood has lifted, though I say that hesitantly so as not to jinx it.
I'm feeling hopeful.

I went to my bariatric surgeon's office today for a check-in.
I lost over 20 pounds over the past 10 months.
Maybe it doesn't sound like an OH WOW amount of weight but considering it's weight
I WILL NEVER GAIN BACK
it is an Oh Wow amount.

Considering how strong I've become
and how well I've been eating
and the progress I've made overcoming my eating disorder
my 20 pounds lost is an OH WOW amount.
Plus, the year isn't over.

My practitioner (the board certified nurse practitioner who does my follow up visits and doted over me every day I was in the hospital in '06 and took GREAT care of me)
is happy with my progress.

He says I can easily lose one pound a week by September...if I so choose.

He said...get ready for this one....
WEIGHT TRAINING IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA.
He talked about lean muscle mass and metabolism.
He talked about how cardio burns calories for the time you do it but lean muscle burns fat ALL THE TIME. It never stops using fuel.

As far as eating (he would NEVER insult me by using the word "diet") suggested that any time I eat carbs, I also eat protein, for the simple reason that eating protein makes you lose weight.

He didn't tell me to drink protein shakes that make me sick.
He didn't put me on any kind of low-carb regimen.
He just suggested that every time I eat carbs to eat protein as well.

Ok, sold.

He also invited me to see him once a month for support, follow up and general care.
He asked, without asking, why I feel I need to do this all on my own.

That was a good question.

I guess in my mind I feel like I'm imposing on people if I ask them for help or allow them to help me.

PLUS, and this is a biggie,
I'm allergic to unwanted advice.

I'm afraid to let people in.

I'm so afraid of having to hear a sentence that starts with,
"You know what you should do..."
Or anything that frays at my fragile self-esteem.

So I just avoid the advice givers.
(Though I really should invite them to enjoy a nice steaming cup of shut the f*ck up!)

I distance myself from folks who misunderstand me.
I avoid health care professionals because they have misunderstood me the most often.

But today was different.
His encouragement was genuine.
His listening was real.
There was no scolding, no judging, no "shoulding".

The one pound a week suggestion was contingent upon
MY WANTING
to lose the one pound per week.

He assured me that I've lost 140 pounds and no one can take that away from me.
It's a permanent loss.
He can tell that it's a done deal.
He can tell by my answers to his questions that I'm not backsliding,
nor will I ever.

But he also sensed my hesitation to move forward.
He heard my fears about flabby, hanging flesh.
He heard my reluctance to seek competent care because of my lack of money and insurance.
He heard my nighttime nosh-iness.
And he didn't judge.

He thinks rice cakes, wasa and granola are great
AND (not 'But') he suggested I eat protein with my carbs.

It was so easy to hear it today.

It was easy to hear him because
I felt heard.
I felt respected.
I felt taken care of.
I felt that he was on my side.

I was jubilant when I left the office.

I had faith in myself and in my future.

Then, I drove to campus and renewed my gym/recreation center membership so I could
BE AROUND PEOPLE
this summer
and catch their vibes
and not do it all alone
and enjoy nice, new equipment
and my beautiful campus
for my summer of moving forward.

I worry that when I feel this good,
this positive,
this confident,
that it's hypo-mania and I'll lose it.
I'm afraid I'll get buried under depression and punk out on myself.

And that fear is ok.

It's ok to feel exactly what I feel,
good
bad
ugly
lovely.

I think I waste a lot of energy feeling bad about my feelings.

I'd rather just feel them and get on with life.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I love this vid for many reasons
especially the caption to the video that says,
"If you've dieted and failed it's not your fault."
Phoenix Gilman talks about the lies of dieting and calorie restriction that keep us
depressed and obese.
She says it's NOT lack of will power that makes us regain lost weight, it's the misunderstanding of brain chemicals.
Love her!
click here or click below

self esteem is a revolution

"We should all feel beautiful.
If you feel beautiful,
you will be more political,
more active in trying to stand up for yourself,
you'll be in more control of your life,
have more sense of power over
what you're doing."
- Margaret Cho in Oprah Magazine June '08



"What if we started a revolution,
if each one of us took a vow to
catch ourselves
scowling or sneering
at our imperfections
- and simply stop?"
- Valerie Monroe in
Oprah Magazine June '08

mikhaela.net

Saw the Sex and the City movie last night.
It gave me some new insights on myself.

Those ladies seem so grown up.
They have awesome jobs,
awesome clothes,
awesome bodies.
They have relationships.
They own cars and homes and furniture that they bought for themselves with money they earned.

Hell, I can do that!
So what's stopping me?
Poor self esteem??

Well, I'm not going to beat myself up for being a late bloomer.

I didn't even START college till I was 30.

This isn't a race.
It's my karma to work out.

My plan (and I do have one) is to teach this summer.
Get my resume and portfolio in order.
Go after jobs.
Work full time by September.

Good plan.

Now, what can I do today to bring me closer to realizing that vision?

Taking care of ME.

I'll start in the bedroom and work my way here to my desk,
picking up stuff,
putting stuff away,
throwing stuff out,
hanging stuff up,
filing,
sorting,
cleaning,
and laundry.

Why?

Because I deserve to be treated well.
I deserve comfort
and
confidence
and clean clothes.

Even if I'm not in the mood I can MAKE myself in the mood by doing one small thing for myself,
then another,
then another.

I may not be able to do ALL the things I need to do in one fell swoop,
but I can do one small thing,
and then another
and another.

The shape of my body is irrelevant.

My size is not a factor in how I determine my worth.

It doesn't matter if I look like one of the Sex and the City girls.
I deserve to take care of myself and succeed in the world.

It's true.

Now let me make it so.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Self esteem is revolutionary!!
If the world doesn't provide good images for us to live into then we have to make our own.
We have to believe we can be better than other people's limited visions of our potential.
Margaret Cho talks about "authentic self" and the multi-billion dollar industries that feed on our low self esteem.
Don't hesitate.
Be beautiful, now.
I'm gonna try.
click here or click below