My goal - and I hate the word "goal" because it sounds like someone else's idea of what I SHOULD be doing rather than a vision I've created for myself - is to lose another 100 pounds.
This is very clear to me after watching a video of myself that Marni and I shot on a sunny yesterday.
Watching myself was traumatic. I mean, I know I 'm not thin but I also FEEL like I look better than I do.
But I don't.
I'm looking at myself in yesterday's video and can't help feeling like a big, flabby fat ass. Too big. Too saggy. Too old. Too misshapen. Too too too.
I feel miserable and dirty and gross and I want to sit perfectly still so I don't feel my flesh jiggling all over me.
I want to sit perfectly still so I don't feel myself moving out in the world.
I want to sit perfectly still so maybe no one will notice me.
If they don't notice me, they can't make fun of me. They can't tell me I have some nerve wanting to be successful, pretty, loved, attractive, confident, desirable.
They can't say "How dare you! Who do you think you are? You're FAT. You're a big joke. No one wants to hear what you have to say let alone LOOK at you! You're gross. You're a big fat gross flabby fat ass."
Whew.
I feel purged.
Sorta.
Writing it out, getting it out of my system helps a bit. But I feel panicky.
The urgency to lose weight to get rid of the offending fat to shrink myself is not as pressing as the need to JUST BE OK EXACTLY AS I AM.
I mean, it'll be a year or two before I lose the rest of the weight and get the plastic surgeries. So what am I supposed to do in the meantime? HIDE??
I refuse to postpone my happiness till I've reached my goal weight.
Sure there's room for improvement in my health and my appearance but that doesn't mean I can't live.
I deserve to live, to love to be loved, to be noticed, to be acknowledged to be paid for my work and to feel GOOD about myself.
There I go again, writing it so that it just might be true.
sigh
If I keep on writing and thinking and creating and believing....
*Lisa's Video Picks of the Day* Here's my update as of June 2008. click here or click below
Here's another update with NO SOUND (sorry) but a great look at me reacting to myself on TV from a few days after the bypass. Yeesh. click here or click below
There's something unnatural about needing to be motivated. Looking back at my early blog posts I see how I needed an arsenal of motivational messages to get me going to the gym every day. I also ingested an arsenal of over the counter stimulants (energy drinks) to help me along.
Something FEELS wrong about that.
Why do we need to be motivated to do what our bodies WANT to do?
My own observations of my own inner workings show me that our bodies crave movement. Not just any movement. Not flailing about in an aerobics class where the only goals are to break a sweat or punish fat off our bodies. I mean nourishing movement.
Let's put it this way: You don't need to be "motivated" to do something that feels good.
Movement should feel good and if it doesn't there's a good reason.
Our bodies and brains naturally gravitate toward activities that trigger certain brain chemicals. The healthier the body and brain the easier it is to sense the inclination toward movement that is essential to life.
I know this because I was the couch potato with blocked energy. Sometimes I still am...but not for long. I've gotten enough crap out of my system to clearly hear my body saying, "please move me!"
We get these messages all the time. We'll be sitting at our computer for however long and suddenly need to stand up and stretch.
When my ladyfriend Marianne visits and we're playing Scrabble we stand up between games and stretch or do Tai Chi or strike a yoga pose.
We don't need to be motivated to do that. We just do it.
The body wants it. The brain wants it. The soul wants it. Our beings WANT to move.
So what keeps us obese and sedentary (for those of us who are or who have ever been obese and sedentary)?
BLOCKAGE.
Our energies get blocked.
Bad food blocks energy (and yes, there is BAD food - poisoned by chemicals or trumped up with High Fructose Corn Syrup).
Avoiding feelings blocks us. Self protecting mechanisms within us keep us from feeling things that HURT.
Moving, breathing, flowing would stir up those painful feelings. So, we avoid them. We stay still. The feelings fester. We pile food on top of them. We pile other addictions on top of them. It takes a great deal of energy to keep those feelings down. It requires lots of hiding out and staying still to avoid them.
I know this because I lived it - am living it.
These past couple of weeks have been rough emotionally. Lots of anxiety. Lots of crying. Depressive symptoms. Lots of hiding out in my online games.
Yet, all the while I've been craving movement.
I'm going to give my body MORE of what it's asking for.
It's asking for a Spring cleaning. It's asking to be gently challenged. It's asking for yoga. It's asking for Tai Chi and Chi Gong.
It's asking for water.
It's asking for fresh air.
Life craves more life, naturally.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Yes, movement should feel good. Like this... click here or click below
"Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for... sister! So, you have a twin sister... Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me ...something something comm pleet!"
Yesterday I purged some feelings I had about my soon to be realized plastic surgery. I say soon-to-be-realized with hope and intention for the means to make it so.
I sit here today with no full time job and no insurance. That will change. I will change. I will make change.
In the meantime... I'm going to take up body building.
What with all the thinking and feeling I've been doing about my exercise possibilities, I had to come up with something. And I did.
Before I continue let me just say loudly and emphatically
BE CAREFUL ABOUT TAKING ADVICE FROM OTHER PEOPLE!
I say this because I've been tossed around on a sea of advice all my life. Hey, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not blaming myself either.
I am acknowledging that I have had a weak opinion of myself in the past and have had little faith in
MY OWN INTUITIONS ABOUT WHAT'S RIGHT FOR ME!
Well, about certain big decisions, I've held my own, but when I've been uncertain about things I've allowed other people's opinions to count WAY TOO MUCH.
Some of the rotten, self-doubting, self-critical self talk that I hear chirping in my brain are OTHER PEOPLE'S WORDS!
This too shall change. I will make change. Like the voice in my head that's yapping at me saying, "But you have to do aerobic exercise in order to burn fat. Lifting weights isn't enough. Can't you take walks? How about swimming? Swimming is easy on the joints. You should swim!!"
And to the annoying voice in my head I say...
To justify my decision (to myself) and to silence the annoying voice (within myself) here's what I'm thinking...
The kickboxing, the stationary biking, the treadmilling, the stairclimber-ing and yes, the brisk (grouch) walking all left me injured and disillusioned from the pain.
Those aerobic activities are not working for me at this time. I have too many injuries right now.
I've suffered enough in this life. I see no reason to punish myself or to suffer unnecessarily. I don't care HOW fat I am.
BUT...and I still have a big one... I want to move. I want to be strong. I want to tone my body. I want to give myself a body lift before the surgical body lift.
And at 240 pounds, lifting weights IS aerobic activity.
AFter I've taken off another 50 - 100 pounds, and I will, I bet my joints, my bones, my everything, won't hurt as badly as they do now.
I bet walking and biking and hiking and kickboxing will be much easier AND HEALTHIER for me when I've taken off more weight.
The job is coming. The insurance is coming. Then I'll be able to HEAL and CORRECT my injuries and get on with being a martial artist.
In the meantime, I'm dusting off my weights.
I will get strong.
I know what my body needs.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Ah ha!! See! We need to build muscles to prevent bone loss, boost metabolism and get fit!! Told ya. click here or click below
1984 in Beverly Hills visiting my cousins, Dante and David. Wherever I stayed I always made the room my own by hanging pics of my favorite movies and celebrities. The Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom poster is being held up by my crutches!! I had a broken leg (non-union fracture that took 3 years to heal).
1984 vacation in Seaside Heights, NJ. I remember the first time I looked at this picture of myself. I was disgusted. I thought I was enormous. My verbally abusive, big-gay-rommate Erich (behind me on bed) didn't help with my self-esteem issues.
Looking back on how young and gorgeous I was makes me wonder how I'll look back at myself now.
I'll ask the same question: Why couldn't I love myself just as I was?
I'll be 70 looking back at pics of myself from now and have the same feeling of remorse over not loving how young and beautiful I was.
Ah, such is karma.
I'm working on the self acceptance, truly I am.
That doesn't mean I'm not having everything surgically lifted. I am SO getting a body lift. I'm counting the minutes till I have the means to get the plastic surgery I deserve after all my hard work and suffering.
To me, surgery is not a big issue. It's a matter of getting the money together to pay for it (50k), then toughing it out through the post-op recovery. I'm really clear that I'll be doing exactly that.
Readers have emailed me their reactions to my strong desire for plastic surgery. I appreciate your concern.
I thought I might answer their questions here on the blog. They might be questions that other readers have on their minds AND I can work through the issues for myself as I answer. Always efficiently multi-tasking, I am!
Do most people have surgery right away to remove the excess skin after a weightloss like yours? I don't know about "most" folks. Many people don't bother with the body lift surgery. They're happy to have reversed their diabetes, eliminated high blood pressure, gotten weight off their joints, etc. and they're done. I've observed that those folks tend to be married, divorced, have kids and are not fixated on their attractiveness the way a singleton like me might be.
And if you have to wait and have the surgery later would you actually have LESS skin to remove?? There would be less fat attached to the skin and slightly less skin to remove the longer I wait but not significant enough to wait much longer than I already have.
Wouldn't it shrink and tighten on it's own.. slowly I'd suspect but wouldn't it.. even just a little?? It would bounce back a little, yes, but not nearly to a level that I find acceptable. It will never tighten. It will look wrinkled and deflated.
or is that just not going to happen because your weightloss is significant and happened relatively quickly.. ?? Even though I lost the weight sorta kinda quickly the body can only reabsorb so much extra skin. It leaves the rest hanging.
After all of the hard work - losing the weight, getting your habits under control, understanding the why and how of obesity and binge eating, proper exercising and nourishment for your body, mind and soul, motivating others...isn't it terribly risky to undergo such an invasive, life threatening procedure? Not sure what the first half of the sentence has to do with the other. Those all seem like reasons to finish the job and feel good about my body. Risky, yes. "Terribly" risky? No. Not in my estimation.
What about the inevitable possibility of infection? My mind is in charge. I'll have pre-op hypnosis to boost my odds of having zero infection. Plus, with my diabetes under control and my overall health improved, I'm not foreseeing infection. Possible infection? Yes. Inevitable? No.
Do you think the rewards will outweigh the very serious and obvious risks of surgical body/face lift surgery? Yes.
I ask these questions because I know how far you've come, how much you've suffered and how hard this work has been for you. I'm wondering if ... you're not completely happy now ... will you be completely happy later after the surgery? Why/Why not? I'll never be completely happy with anything. I'm a process-oriented person. I crave complexity rather than happiness. In order to develop one's karma one needs problems. I don't expect plastic surgery to be a cure all. I may not be completely happy after all my plastic surgery, but I'll have more confidence. I'll feel I did something very, very good for myself.
What would prevent you from being completely happy after the surgery? What prevents you from being completely happy now? How will you deal with being unhappy after the surgery? I'm working that out. That's one of the reasons I blog. I also do not cling to the notion of complete happiness. Happier, yes. Completely, no.
Some of the things that occur to me that you'd be facing after the surgery ... the recovery time (months of not working/not working out), the scars, the possibility of complications (draining fluid from your healing body, infections, depression (more anti-depressants that slow down the metabolism), pain killers that also slow down metabolism potentially undoing all the muscle toning that you've done), and having a new body that has been surgically modified with new problems (new imperfections) and will need A LOT of time just to heal - what will it take - a year or more? What about your new job? How will you manage all of this? Same way I manage everything. I'll make it work. Hey, I was up on my feet teaching two weeks after my bypass in my beat up, weak condition (click here for the video). I'm tough. I am not afraid.
Lastly, your present body that you're so diligently working on will be a thing of the past (but you will have the same mind)...how will the new body (same mind) do the same job of awakening that your present body (same mind) does? Same mind? No, my mind changes and develops. I expect my body will do the same.
Will you display your new body scars as a way of saying - 'hey, watch out...this could be you"? I'll display them. I'll film them. I'll talk about it here on my blog. The whole world will see the pictures. Let people see what it's like. "This could be you?" I don't know about that part. People will look at me and get what their karma needs to get.
How will you justify your new body (old mind) to those that you motivate that cannot afford this type of surgery? Just wondering? At the present time, I cannot afford this surgery. Just as I am open to the possibility of attracting what I need in life, so should my readers. The world is full of money. If we need money, we can manifest it. I intend to.
I am not conflicted about getting the body lift surgery (and the face lift). I am clear that I will make it happen.
In the meantime, my karma dictates that I learn to love myself EXACTLY AS I AM. That means I will pretend that I'm in this present body with no hope for plastic surgery and learn to love it just as it is.
THAT'S the hard part. Knowing that I'll eventually get surgical help is a nice bonus. There's always the chance that it won't happen but I'M ON A MISSION!
I will not be deterred.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* I picked her because her name is LISA!!! I am counting the minutes till this is me. Whoo hoo! She looks great after only 2 weeks! Up on her feet! click here or click below
recovering from surgery to repair severe bite wounds from outdoor animals who mauled her.
Her kitty karma led her to the Kreinbergs where she cried pathetically and received great compassion from Mama Lynn who fed her and took her to the vet.
Cordelia with Mother Lynn who gives her treatments, treats, antibiotics, and lots of love. When her stitches are out, she'll come to live with me in kitty paradise.
What a magnificent day! It's super sunny, 85 degrees outside, the birds are chirping, the air smells like grass and flowers. And yet....I'm sitting indoors in front of my computer.
Played Mobwars and Superheroes. Uploaded and fixed pics of lil' Cordelia. Aimed. Now blogging.
If I had my way, I'd sit here all day, writing and playing, enjoying the fresh air through my window.
But...part of me KNOWS I should get outside and get some air. Part of me WANTS to go outside and get some air. It's just that the other part of me would rather stay indoors and hide out from life - hide from life outside my apartment, that is.
Habits and instinct are sometimes at odds.
It is our instinct to thrive, to treat ourselves well, to be kind to others. I believe that is our true nature. So why are we so sick, sedentary and depressed?
Habits get in the way. Tragedy breaks our hearts. Cruelty from others hardens us. Our own karma and society's karma block our most positive self expression. We form habits of defending ourselves from hurt. We form habits like overeating, or abusing uncool drugs, or settling for miserable, meaningless jobs, or we form habits of avoidance BECAUSE of our miserable, meaningless jobs.
Sometimes habits FEEL like instincts. It's hard to know which instincts to follow. Which is the instinct to listen to? The one that says, stay inside and play Mobwars or the one that says Get Thee Out of Thine House and enjoy the sunshine?
Which instinct wins? The one that craves Hershey bars and Devil Dogs? Or the one that sheepishly seeks wellness by washing and eating a nice apple? And I say "sheepishly" because the well-habits get bullied by the sick habits till they lose their voice but they still peep up from time to time.
We also have our minds to worry about - all the should-ing we harm ourselves with. Our minds tell us we SHOULD eat a certain thing cuz it's better for us or we SHOULD go outside and force ourselves to walk or play or garden, or the guilty voice that says we SHOULD do something that's painful or difficult because painful, difficult things are the only activities worth doing cuz if something is enjoyable it must be wrong.
It's not always clear which is the better path, the better choice or the right instinct to follow.
Look at little Cordelia. Most cats in her condition die of their injuries. Even if a kind hearted person rescues them, they die because the person doesn't have the resources or the skill to nurse the animal back to health.
Little Cordelia must have some powerful kitty-karma to have led her to the home of a woman who got her the best of care and nursed her back to health and then connected her with me, Queen of All Feline Mothers.
The veterinarian's office sees cases like Cordelia's every day. Most of them get put to sleep (euthanized). Most of them don't make it.
In Cordelia's case the instinct to live won. Lynn's instinct to save her was so strong it won out over the odds that were against her. But it could have easily gone the other way.
The instinct to thrive and be well is strong, but the instinct to avoid pain by avoiding life is also strong.
Which one wins? Which one do we LET win??
Sometimes the instinct to thrive is blocked or dimmed by years of avoidance behavior. We have to consciously choose to fan the flames of new, better habits.
The good news is that the more times we choose a better, healthier path, the stronger that instinct becomes. Eventually the instinct takes over and runs on automatic.
Yesterday a reader wrote to me and asked how I went from popcorn to peppers at the movies. Hmph. It wasn't easy... at first.
Then it got easier. Now, it's habit.
The popcorn instinct is weaker than the pepper instinct because I MADE it that way.
I was strong and disciplined about movie peppers for a short time and now it's effortless, it runs on automatic. It's instinct.
I want the same instinct for exercise and movement.
I want to eliminate the pain and conflict I've felt about moving my body. I want to overcome the conflicted feelings that say I'm doing it to PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE. This has to be for me.
It will be difficult for a while and then it will become habit, instinct, a natural part of who I am.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Having stuff does not equal inner peace. Inner peace is all-the-time peace. That's our true nature. That's our true instinct. We just need to clear all the interfering crap out of our own way. Thank you, Prem Rawat. click here or click below
I went to see Indy 4 yesterday. Sadly, not so good.
What WAS good was that I didn't really miss the popcorn. As a matter of fact, it kinda smelled farty when I walked into the theater.
Movie theater popcorn was once my favorite food in the world. I loved the smell. I loved the taste. I loved the sound of other people eating it. I loved getting a giant bag of it, drenching it in oily fake butter (and mustard) and washing it down with a tub of diet soda. By the end of the movie I'd be nauseated but not enough to stop me from doing it again the next time I was at the theater.
When I first had the bypass, it was months before I could go near a movie theater. My grief at not being able to digest the greasy popcorn was so great I just avoided being near it.
Two years later, that's changed.
Yesterday, I was truly there for the movie and not the food. With no great fanfare I brought my own snacks and bought one thing from the concession stand (my date and I shared pretzels with mustard).
In my purse I brought sesame pretzels and three big fat raw peppers - one red, one yellow and one orange. On our way to our seats I grabbed a salt shaker from the concession stand. I happily ate my peppers with salt and my pretzels with mustard while Indy battled the Ruskies.
{For my first post-op movie theater popcorn encounter click here}
What was once a trauma is now an easy habit. Bringing my own food to the movies is just what I do. No big deal. No great grief at saying 'No' to popcorn. No "OH my gawd are people going to make fun of me for eating peppers?"
Just peace.
Peace with myself. Peace with eating. Peace with food.
Popcorn issue: handled.
It's good to be da queen.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Hey, I know that calorie counting does not work. I know that deprivation leads to binge eating. I know this because of my experience. Eating makes you lose weight provided you are eating good fresh high fiber high quality low fat foods. I'm not saying anything new here. Plenty of folks are discovering the truth. click here or click below
"Permissive hypnosis is a form of hypnosis that optimizes the client control experience. It is a kinder, gentler hypnotic structure. It engages the thinking mind and ask questions of it, allowing you to control where you go, what you do, and what you experience in the session. If you are the type who rebels against authority and fears the loss of control, permissive hypnosis is very much akin to total self-hypnosis.
You are left feeling like you came up with your solution (which ultimately you do in any form of hypnosis)."
In hypnosis (did I mention that I'm a certified hypnotist?) we learn two styles of induction: permissive and authoritative.
In the permissive style we say things like, "You may find your eyes wanting to flutter closed or the need to swallow. You may choose to let your eyes close. You might choose to swallow if the need arises."
In the authoritative style we say things like, "Close your eyes. When you feel the need to swallow, swallow."
Subtle, yet different. Which is the better way? Neither. The better way is the way that works, the one the client responds to.
Same with exercise and dieting (two words I just don't like).
Allowing one's self to be moved to move and permitting one's self to eat whenever one is hungry is different than a more rigid, authoritative approach of diets, restriction and drill sergeant style of working out.
Folks like me who are recovering from eating disorders tend to need a permissive approach.
The psychology of eating disorders identifies the patient's need to feel in control of her body by depriving it of or stuffing it with food.
Rigid, authoritative approaches to controlling our eating behavior will trigger rebellion as the patient strives to retain control and to self soothe in the familiar way.
That's why I won't quarter and wrap my sandwiches. You've heard of those "tricks" to stop one's self from binge eating or to enforce portion control. Take a perfectly nice sandwich (one that's high protein, high fiber and tasty!) and cut it into 4 quarters. Now wrap each individual quarter in plastic wrap.
The idea is that if you eat one quarter and think you want another, the time it takes to unwrap the next quarter will be enough time to talk yourself out of eating it or to feel satiety from what you've already eaten.
Tricking one's self.
But as a hypnotist I'm aware of subtle yet powerful messages of a "trick" like that. Every time I see the quarter wrapped sandwich pieces I'm reminded that I'm out of control I'm on a leash because my eating is out of control I'm stupid and need to trick myself into not eating or that I'm restricted to tiny portions of perfectly good food.
The quarter wrapped sandwich triggers rebellion.
Restriction and deprivation causes binge eating...for compulsive over eaters and most humans in general.
Push one way and guarantee a push back in the other direction.
When people first take a look at Hirschmann and Munter's Overcoming Overeating they think that legalizing foods and permitting eating the moment one feels hungry will cause them to gorge themselves out of control.
Folks who believe they are defective or that compulsive over eating is an incurable sickness never let go of the idea that they need to be reigned in.
But I can tell you from experience that legalizing food and demand feeding DO WORK! Legalizing food, feeding one's self on demand, carrying a food bag are all good methods of self care.
One learns to trust one's self. Hunger no longer causes panic or binge eating because the self knows it will be fed every time it's hungry.
We learn that food is not the enemy. We learn that we are not enemies of ourselves.
Our panicked binge eating behavior is understood as a reaction against unfair, unsound, unhealthy, rigid control.
But make no mistake learning demand feeding is DIFFICULT.
It's taken me years to get a grip on demand feeding. It took a gastric bypass to help me.
But the principle is sound.
Same with exercise.
If you try to punish the fat off the body of someone like me, the body eventually rebels. It might break down. It might become injured. It might hit a wall of plateau and refuse to let go of the weight.
When I get stiff and achey (and at this almost middle age that's daily) it wants to move. The body wants to feel juicy with blood flowing and oxygen flowing. It doesn't have to be forced to move. It WANTS to move.
And the body will tell you that if you slow down, listen and get all the other negative self talk out of the way.
Give yourself permission to take care of yourself and you will.
Your body wants to move. No forcing necessary.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* The audio on this video is a bit echo-y but it's worth getting past the echo to the message. NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), cousin to hypnosis, acknowledges that neurology can be changed by self talk and behaviors!! Yep. Oh, and can I tell you how difficult it is to find a video on You Tube that features female practitioners? My searches kept bringing up "How to Hypnotize Women" or "How to get women through hypnosis" and a bunch of smarmy stage hypnotists making women do demeaning things. Gross. But I pressed on and found Christiane Turner. click here or click below
My buddy, Darren, is concerned about me. He keeps nudging me about my workout commitment. He even did a blog post for me (click here).
He asks me what I'm doing to reach my "goal".
Hoooo, boy, this is a tough one.
All KINDS of emotions and reactions bubble up in me when he asks that question.
What do I do on a DAILY basis to get me closer to my "goal"?
Inner work. Right now, I'm concentrating on inner work.
I'm getting my head together. I'm attending to my body. I'm feeling my feelings and writing about them. I'm making healthy food choices and taking care of myself. And at the times when I've made a clearing (an emotional clearing), I move.
What I'm doing now is difficult in a different way than going to the gym every day. Both are good. Both are productive. Both are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
But... I will no longer use exercise as a punishment. Movement should be joyful, uplifting and non-injuring.
Forcing myself to workout-at-the-gym to prove something is no longer what I do. When I was working out at the gym every day I felt passionate about it. I learned great lessons from it.
That's the key: I LEARNED.
For the rest of my life, I may never get on a treadmill or ride a stationary bike. And for some reason, that has Darren worried. I think in his mind he believes I've "given up" or lost sight of my goal or something.
If he had the patience to read my blog, or the willingness to understand it, he'd see that I'm in process with a vision... but try to explain that to a linear thinking, goal-oriented person who has an All Or Nothing mindset.
NOT THAT I'M KNOCKING THAT KIND OF All or Nothing MINDSET. I'm just expressing that it's not where I'm at right now.
The all-or-nothing approach to fitness (click here)
When it comes to fitness, people are often baffled by a person's dedication and can confuse intense discipline for obsessive behavior. Many times people who appear to be health nuts may just have an "all-or-nothing" personality. I know Steve and I are like that. If we didn't throw ourselves into fitness we'd most likely throw ourselves into an unhealthy alternative - or nothing at all.
All-or-nothing people don't succeed when they "dabble" in fitness. I'll use myself as an example. When I dabble in my workouts I dabble in my eating. Some people may think we are obsessive, but honestly we just know our weaknesses. I know if I don't do it all the way, I will barely do it at all.
My all-or-nothing approach is based on my desire to get results. Don't get me wrong, exercising 3 times a week is great for your health, but it's not enough for a person with my type of personality. I want more than good health – I want to FEEL and SEE my hard work.
Unfortunately, many people lower their expectations to something they feel is more realistic. I'll never forget when a friend once said, "I don't want to look like you, I want to eat what I want and enjoy life" as if I was miserable. It was easy for her to view my lifestyle as too intense and unobtainable. Ironically, she had an all-or-nothing personality too. As soon as she gave it her all, she went from a size 12 to a size 4 and now laughs at her naïve comment.
The question you need to ask yourself is; do you have an all-or-nothing personality? If you have dabbled in working out or dieting and haven't experienced results maybe you need to quit dabbling and try the "all" approach.
Since an all-or-nothing approach can be more intense, I suggest setting short-term goals to avoid burnout. An intense 4-6 week diet program or fitness routine would be a good start. After the goal is reached, or the time has passed, take a weekend off and then start right over again. Normally an intense, but brief, program will get you the results you need to help you go for another 4-6 weeks.
The last tip is not to take too much time off in between programs. The same "all-or-nothing" approach can backfire if you stay in the "nothing" stage for too long. Staying in a consistent routine is vital for success. The all-or-nothing approach isn't for everyone, but for some of us – it's the only way we can succeed.
If reading my blog is not giving you the motivational boost you need, then please seek it from great folks like Bonnie! The motivation you need is out there! Get it!!
BUT and you knew a big BUTT was coming, I prefer to steer clear of it at this time. I refuse to call my attention to the emotional healing process a nothing phase.
I believe there's a difference between Losing Weight and Getting Well. (Click here for a great blog post from the brilliant Susan Powter on Losing Weight.)
Losing Weight IS simple. Getting Well is less simple.
Getting a Gastric Bypass and following the post-op diet is simple (not for me, but, whatever). Overcoming an eating disorder is less simple.
Punishing myself at the gym is no longer fulfilling for me (and yes, I'm clear that I was punishing myself). Until I can do it FOR myself WITH love, I won't be going.
Does it mean I'm sitting on my ass doing nothing? C'mon. You know me better than that.
Last night my ladyfriend came over for a Scrabble Tourney (I won 2 out of 3 games which is rare cuz she's a formidable player!!!) In between games we stretched and did Tai Chi. She taught me some energizing/calming moves.
She called it "effort without effort". It felt great. It felt right.
Doing my yoga and taking my ouch walk in Charleston felt great and felt right.
Today I'll be up on my feet doing garage sales and flea markets with my Mom (she shops from the car because of her arthritis). I'll walk deliberately. I'll take deep breaths. I'll lift my head and smile at the sky.
That bone spur thingy on my foot? It's a bunion. Gross, I know. But naming it means taming it. I'll get a bunion pad and cushion it till I can get that dam thing surgically removed.
Suffering through injuries used to make me feel like an athlete. If that's what it means to be an athlete, then I'm not interested. I've suffered enough.
That scare I had on the scale the other day? Must have been a false alarm. On the scale in the hotel in Richmond, I weighed 240. In other words, no gain no loss.
I'm happy with that.
What about my "goal"?? Notice I put that word in quotations. Thinking in terms of goals is too limiting and linear for me right now. I prefer to work within a vision.
Visions are wider. Visions are imaginative. Visions are compassionate. Visions are in the now as well as in the future.
I am not postponing my satisfaction, happiness, or self acceptance for some future time.
The vision is now.
The "goal" is to be happy now with exactly what I have and exactly who I am.
On THAT issue, I am all or nothing!
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Susan kinda disagrees with me. She doesn't like the emotional aspects of weight loss that folks like me talk about, but I STILL LOVE HER!! Hey, just because I'm right doesn't mean she's wrong....and vice versa. I love you, Susan. click here or click below
Hooray!! The hotel towel fit all the way around me AND I tucked it in!!
Bosie wants to know when his Mom is coming home!
Above Left: me in Charleston a few years ago Above Right: me in Charleston '07. Below: Me in Charleston May '08.
Above: Terrace off my room in Charleston. Below: Me on the terrace off my room in Charleston.
I left my dammed magazines in the limo on the way home from the airport. This month's issue of Oprah has some GREAT stuff about self esteem and body image including practical advice.
There were some cool things I wanted to put in my blog. Ah. It will have to wait.
The other magazine I bought had Mila Kunis on the cover (Expo I think it was..No, it was Complex). Inside there was an interview with Mila in Q and A style. In parentheses from the interviewer it says at one point Mila was laughing because her boyfriend (Macaulay Culkin) and his friend were jumping up and down outside the window making faces at her.
I want a cool yet dorky boyfriend who will jump up and down outside the window making faces at me to try to make me laugh when I'm doing something semi-serious.
Someone silly and beautiful and fantastically in love with me like Macaulay loves her. I don't want to settle for less.
Oh, and speaking of not settling, Mom handled the situation by saying she must be going senile if she can't remember something as important as my childhood.
Meh. Ok. Non-apology accepted.
Then she lent me $560 to replace my broken VCR, my broken monitor, my broken DVR drive, my old foggy contact lenses and took me to lunch.
Welcome to Lisa's dysfunction junction.
At least Dysfunction Junction has a working VCR, a nice new 19" monitor, a new external DVR and DVW drive and soon I'll be able to see it all clearly with my new contact lenses.
I'd say there's no place like home, but there's gotta be at least one ;-)
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* I was trying to describe YouTube Poop to my buddy Matt the other day and all that came out of my mouth was "some... gamer... thing". So, here's an actual example. click here or click below
Above: The Charleston Battery. Below: Battery Park.
"Wanna heal the world? Heal yourself. Wanna heal yourself? Heal the world." - me
I took a walk on the battery and settled for a spell in Battery Park. It was better than a grouch walk. It was a joy walk.
Joyful but painful.
As I walked I paid attention to my body. The pain in my right foot was sharp. I remembered having the same pain last year as I took this same walk. Injuries shouldn't last that long.
Without shoes I compared both feet. My right foot has a protrusion at the sight of the pain that looks like and feels like a bone spur. Ouch.
I let it hurt and kept walking. BUT I didn't huff and stomp. I didn't ignore the pain. I walked slowly and deliberately taking deep breaths. I moved with intention rather than aggression.
Last year, my walk was aggressive. I had something to prove. I had fat to punish off of my body. Last year, I walked in spite of the pain, spite being the operative word. I was treating my aches and pains like enemies who were conspiring to keep me sick and sedentary.
This year, my walk was intentional, awake and much more calm. I walked with the pain. I paid attention to my body. My aches and pains were telling me that my body needed a slower pace, less stomping, more stretching. With every step I took, I stretched my legs, my lungs, my chest. If I experienced pain I slowed down. I made sure to take deliberate steps keeping my body in alignment rather than flop, flop, flopping along just to "get my heart rate up".
It's difficult to find compassionate, enlightened fitness for bodies with extra fat or injuries or disabilities. Some of these fitness instructors who claim to be aware of special needs simply do the moves more slowly, but the moves themselves are not do-able for folks who are shaped a certain way.
Moves need to be modified. Modification means the move has to change to suit the body of the exerciser. Modifying doesn't mean you're refusing to seek challenges or that you aren't trying to push yourself further in your practice. It means seeking and finding smart ways to push one's self.
I think I may be wising up.
My traveling buddy, Matt, said, "You look happier this year."
I think it's because I'm more self accepting. I think it's because I'm saying NO to verbal abuse and disrespect, especially from myself.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* I'm going to NYC to check out Rochelle Rice. I have a feeling she understands the needs of diverse body types. She's not a one-size-fits-all instructor. She's mindful. click here or click below
That's where we're staying. We're one house in from the water on the Charleston battery. Life is good.
Woke up at 8 am with no alarm clock.
I stood on my second floor terrace overlooking the magnificent water. Did some yoga. Took deep breaths.
Went downstairs. Made coffee for the household. Ate a banana.
Now blogging.
Unusual birds are outside making their unusual bird sounds. Pleasant people are calling morning greetings to each other.
And I have a dark cloud of anger and guilt over me about my mother. I called her to let her know we arrived safely.
She's angry and brooding right now. When I get home I predict the usual dramatic response from her, some grand sweeping cut-off where she tells me everything has changed, that she can't bear to look at me any longer, that "I'm on my own" which is exactly what she did all my life whenever I stood up for myself, even as a kid.
The systematic verbal abuse and emotional torment I suffered growing up still happens whenever I express my needs, my right to be treated with consideration and dignity or if I express any disapproval of her whatsoever.
I'm not looking to win this like it's a battle. But continuing to pretend that she was a "nurturing" mother was killing me. I can't allow her to go on telling people, right in front of me, that she never hit me and that she always encouraged me.
No matter what she has to say over this, it was important that I spoke up. It was important to hear myself say, "I'm sorry you feel bad Mom but I can't lie and say you never hit me. You hit me and it hurt my feelings...often. I wish you could be sorry for that."
Her response was to cry more, ask why I was "doing this" to her, accuse me of making it all up, ask me if she should have just "let me run wild" with no discipline, and try to play the victim. I did feel bad BUT Her reaction shouldn't be my problem.
She can respond any way she wants to. I'll continue to react calmly, using "I" statements and stating my feelings as clearly and without over-drama as possible.
Keeping it bottled up inside me, sitting there in silence while she tells and retells the story of my childhood is not a good option for me. I'm sick because of it. I will no longer bear the burden of the truth just to spare her feelings. I've been the parent to her for too long.
I need to be a parent to me.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* There are no speakers on this little lap top so I chose this video without hearing it... but it looks good!! click here or click below
"Faith is a funny thing, there are times in life where you feel as though all faith is gone, and all hope is lost.
You feel as though nothing is going your way and you've landed head first at rock bottom.
See, this is where faith gets funny, it never left you.
God put faith in all of us. It was there but in disguise.
I think alot of times we lose faith because of fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of making a decision.
Because what if we're wrong? What if we cant undo what we just did?
We have to have faith in ourselves in order to live life to the fullest. But then there are those times when all you have to go on is your faith.
Whether it be your faith in god, your faith in people, or your faith in a feeling like love.
Those are the times when faith gives a person hope and guides them through the darkest times in their lives.
And yes, i will quote the lovely George Michael when he says "well, I need someone to hold me, but I'll wait for something more, because I've gotta have faith" - one of my students
I found that in my email box this morning. Of course I cried. She wrote so beautifully, but also in reaction to what I taught her. Maybe I am good after all.
When we arrived here at the fabulous Jefferson Hotel in Richmond, I called home to let my mother know we had arrived safely. Long story short, she started drama.
In a nutshell: she's claiming she never hit me as a kid. She says I'm making it up.
She says she was a "nurturing mother duck" who babied me and always told me how smart and good I was.
Um, no. That's not how it went down.
My mother systematically destroyed my self esteem. She hit me often.
That's the truth.
I can't believe I have to go through with this karma laden act of refusing to back down on this.
I stood my ground on the phone with her. I wasn't mean, I was firm.
I told her that all I wanted from her was for her to admit it and be truly sorry.
She stuck to her story of how she can't be sorry for something she never did. She cried.
I wouldn't engage too deeply with her. We were on our way to dinner.
So, this is some big stuff I have to work through and deal with.
On a lighter note, the towel in the bathroom here at the hotel fit around me. Yep. I'm human-sized.
I took lots of pictures....yes, of me in the hotel room wrapped in the towel. Hey, I was proud.
I'll upload them when I get home.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Enjoy some truth telling from my girl, the brilliant, the beautiful, the health icon Susan Powter. Click here or click below
Will I go away and have a nice time? Or will I somehow ruin it for myself??
I don't know what made me step on my father's scale yesterday but when I did, I didn't like the number.
Ok, don't panic. I guess I have to be mindful of my protein to carb ratio (and my processed to fresh ratio) and my activity.
Or I can obsess about it, beat myself up, freak out, start a new cycle of deprivation that leads to binging, start over analyzing every little thing I put in my mouth, try to punish the fat off my body with inappropriate exercise...
no.
I won't do that.
Screw the scale.
I'm convinced that a body in regular motion with a good amount of lean muscle mass is a natural calorie furnace. A well fed body doesn't need to hold onto fat.
As I focus on recovery I'm going to focus on building a body with a metabolism that doesn't surprise me with fluctuating weight.
See how reasonable I can be??
Be reasonable self, be reasonable.
Today we begin the drive down to the Holy City of Charleston. Lots of weird food options will appear at lots of weird rest stops on I-95. Fast food. Cinnabons, Ice Cream, Pizza, Candy, Fried Chicken, pastries... yuk yuk yuk.
I packed my Wasa, my tamari almonds, and Odwalla bars. I'll be ok.
Hear that self? I'll be ok.
I'm more worried about my Facebook withdrawal! My Scrabulous! My Superheroes! My stalking habit!
Let's hope that there's Wi Fi in the Confederacy.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* She's fit! She's 50! She's awesome! Behold the Goddess, Susan Powter. "Bite into it! Eat something real!" click here or click below
"It is a fact that sailors are off course 97% of the time and they still reach their destination. They never travel in a straight line." - Lois Barth in From Criticism to Curiosity
Today I'm packing for Charleston. This yearly trip is a marker for me, a way to compare the state of my life from year to year.
Last year I was all gung ho about working out 6 days a week. I sacrificed sleep to work out at the gym at the fabulous Jefferson Hotel in Richmond half way to the Holy City. Once there, I woke up early and power walked. In the air thick with meaning I changed into walking clothes after dinner and huffed along the battery to work up a sweat. I was power girl, workout girl, exercise queen!
Then I fell ill with severe bronchitis and my trip was ruined.
Maybe I was pushing myself too hard. Maybe it was all the pollen I breathed on the ride down that compromised my immune system and allowed me to get sick. Maybe it was all the half price (JR Tobacco baby, woot!!) Sweet Dreams vanilla cigarettes I smoked that rotted out my throat and promoted the infection.
Not sure.
Whatever it was, I'm going to do things differently this year. More pampering, less pushing. More sleeping, less gymming. More leisurely walking on the battery overlooking Charleston Bay, less power walking in the night air. Less sightseeing, more garden sitting.
My mindset last year was GO GO GO push push push force force force!
This year, I'm taking it easier. I need some nice-nice in my life.
I'm taking a break... not from blogging, though. I'll have a laptop with me. Hopefully there'll be some free wi-fi to pirate so I can get online and if not, hey, I know you'll forgive me.
Looking back at my work on this blog, I haven't missed a day. That's awesome. I'm proud of that.
I'm proud of my tenacity and consistency.
The working out? I'll get back to it.
I still want to feel the joy of running. I still want the strength of a trained body. I'm not giving up on that. I'll build to it. I'll get well.
This year, I'm more aware of the building process. This year, I'm more in tune with my body's need to heal and recover.
Some Tai Chi in the garden? Some yoga in the park?
Some healing sunshine and easy breezes along with that good old southern hospitality sounds like a plan.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Oh, I'll get there. If you doubt it, I guess you don't know me that well ;-) click here or click below
Even at 18 years old I was trying to hide my neck and jawline from the camera.
Would you believe I used to hate this picture of me (above) because I thought my arms looked fat?
Here I am now still trying to hide my neck and jawline.
So I should reach the grave having NEVER loved myself? sigh Bad karma, karma that could send me plummeting right back to earth to work things out in another lifetime if I don't work it out in this one.
It's tough, this loving one's self. Who supports it? Where do we find affirmation for self love in our media driven society?
I wrote yesterday that I would not look to a commercial enterprise (meaning a grossly, corporate commercial enterprise) for help with my self esteem. The capitalist machine doesn't function that way. Corporate culture needs to make us feel inadequate so we continue to buy products. If we all start feeling great about ourselves, the economy will collapse.
I mean, if we were happy with ourselves, what would we buy??
No no no no no, I'm not really asking that.
My brain is already kicking in with suggestions like a gaming system!! another gaming system!! a handheld gaming system to take on trips so I can play Scrabble!! a home theatre set up! new sofas! organic food!!
Ok, ok stop that, brain!
So many times our motivation to purchase something is to fill a void in our hearts or souls. So many times our motivation to purchase something is based on the need to hide our perceived flaws or make ourselves more acceptable to others.
Ego gets tied up in our need to have bigger, better stuff. We buy into the idea that we'll be happy if____.
Like what I'm going through now...
I'll be happy if I get my face lift. I'll be happy if I get my pannus removed. I'll be happy if I get a boob job like Kendra's. la la la la la
I've said it before but I guess I need to see it again in writing: when I love, I love flaws and all.
I don't love in SPITE of flaws. I don't OVERLOOK flaws. I love the flaws right along with everything else about the person whether that person is a love interest or a friend. I am capable of unconditional love.
When will I extend the same unconditional love to my self?
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Let's be friends to ourselves, shall we? Hear that self? BE MY FRIEND!! click here or click below
Whitney Thomson a few years before America's Next Top Model.
Whitney Thomson, winner of America's Next Top Model, Cycle 10. Says she was bullied because of her size.
Lisa Sargese, blogger, author, celebrity in her own mind, was bullied because of her size all of her life including at this age when I was clearly not obese.
Me at 18. I could have been a model but with no self esteem, I thought I was fat and ugly.
Me now. Still bullying myself for my size even after losing 140 pounds.
Above: That blond girl, third from the left is Whitney Thomson, supposedly a plus-size model.
Above: what a plus-size model actually looks like in a pic from Woman Within or Roaman's or one of those catalogs.
So now the bloggers are alleging that America's Next Top Model was fixed. Some folks are saying that Whitney was allowed to win so that Tyra wouldn't look so big in comparison or something to that effect (click here for a really cool blog on the topic).
Do you really think that those two mega companies would allow a panel of celebrity judges to determine THEIR image?? Oh I don't think so.
They CLEARLY made a marketing decision with beautiful Whitney Thomson, same way every winner is chosen for her marketability.
I've witnessed some young women of color winning the Top Model crown. My armchair marketing sense tells me that Cover Girl's fresh scrubbed, suburban, white, young girl next door image was limiting their sales. They needed to feature young females of color - latinas, blacks and mixed race girls - in order to expand the appeal of their brand.
I remember back in the 1970s when I first started wearing foundation make-up (the stuff you use on your face, neck, under eye, etc.). All the shades were for white girls. They had maybe one or two "darker" shades and that was it.
Back then a box of crayons had a crayon color called "Flesh" that was a creamy shade of ivory peach.
Back then band aids were "flesh colored" - creamy shade of ivory peach - so they wouldn't stand out on the skin.
It took corporate America a little while after the Civil Rights movement to catch on to all the money they were missing by catering to and advertising to whites only.
Did they change the crayons and band-aids to be more socially just and inclusive or was it a marketing decision based on their company image and projected sales.
I don't believe that cosmetic companies and beauty magazines are interested too much in social justice or civil rights. That's not what they do.
They function to make a profit. They added shades to their makeup line because they want to make more profit. They were missing out on all that money from women with darker than ivory skin.
I don't levy this as a criticism, merely as an observation.
They are corporations. They're out to make money. That's what they do.
Whitney's win was a smart marketing decision. Tyra and her gang were getting flack for promoting a too-skinny body image (I mean, did you SEE Jaslene??). Girls' magazines have been getting heat for this as well. Notice what a big deal they make whenever they feature a human sized model? They want to be sure we notice how "inclusive" and "diverse" they're being by having Whitney as their plus-sized poster girl.
By using Whitney they appear to be champions of a healthy body image. They appear to be saying that all sizes are beautiful and we should love ourselves where we're at.
Nonsense. They have very little interest in our self-esteem. They function for profit.
Whitney is good for their image. Having a "plus-size" model helps them to look compassionate and enlightened. We're assured that they're the "good guys" who are just helping us to realize our beauty goals by selling us stuff.
C'mon. They don't care about self-esteem. Whitney is good for business, plain and simple.
And you know what? Who cares??
That's what models do! Models sell stuff. That's they're job.
America's Next Top Model isn't a contest for a spot in the Peace Corps. It's a beauty contest. The winner gets to pose on camera for the purpose of selling us stuff.
In the best interest of the companies that sponsor the competition, Whitney won this cycle.
As far as the allegations that Whitney put on weight for the show? I really don't care. I don't care if the contest is fixed. I watch that show to be entertained. If I want integrity, I'll go look at the stories about Witness for Peace or something.
The show entertains me. Whitney entertained me. Tyra entertains me.
That's why I turn on the TV.
When I'm looking for something to boost my self esteem, it's usually to non-commercial endeavors.
Commercial organizations need to keep us feeling like crap so we fill the void or try to improve ourselves by buying their stuff.
We're capitalists. That's what we do.
Business is for profit. If you expect it to be humanitarian, expect to be disappointed.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* It's a great ad. By using the word "fund" at the end it appears to be a not for profit initiative. "Look how honest we're being!" says Dove. Makes us think that good ol' Dove is on our side. They understand "real" beauty. Then we buy Dove. Mission accomplished. Still, a great ad. click here or click below
Plus size model, Whitney Thomson, wins America's Next Top Model.
"Say what you want about me - I don't care - I'm Whitney. I have curves because I don't look like a little boy! I love that about myself." -Whitney
"I want other women in America to feel good about themselves," she said. "I want people to look at me and say, I don't have to starve, I don't have to have plastic surgery." - Whitney Thomson
...she was a size 10 marooned on an island of size 2's...
To market to market to buy a fat cat. Home again, home again just like a bat.
Whitney is a beauty. A bombshell. A diva.
And I never thought she'd win.
She's not model thin. They kept calling her "juicy" and "full figured" but Paulina and Tyra rightly said that if we saw Whitney walking down the street we wouldn't think "plus size" we'd just think "hot chick".
Facially she was the most beautiful of the girls on America's Next Top Model this season. Body-wise she's a size 10. Gasp!
I think about being a size 10 and picture myself being done with the whole need-to-lose-weight project. Size 10? I'd be so ... well, done.
In 8th grade I was a size 12 - 14 and I weighed 137 (I'm 5' 1" and 3/4) Size 10? I'd look like Buffy.
But this season's Top Model had a Buffy girl (Anya) in the final two and the bombshell girl (Whitney) won!
Anya, a stick figure, kept winning challenges and garnering all kinds of praise from the judges.
When the contestants were in Rome, they modeled for Gai Mattiolo, an important Italian designer.
He looked at size 10 Whitney and said, "You're so American!" The subtext of that was "You're so big, fat and loud!"
Even though Whitney looked like a Hollywood starlet from the glamour girl days, she did not earn his favor. They put her in an outfit that looked like it was supposed to mask her figure rather than show it off.
When bony Anya walked for him, he said,
"Anya you are so blond! So skinny! So young! So fresh!"
Blond? Ok, anyone can be blond with the right colorist.
Skinny? Since when is that the best option for a model? Don't these designers want actual women to buy and wear their clothes??
So young? Well, this IS the industry where girls in their 20s are considered "not fresh".
I wonder if Anya won that challenge simply because she fit into the size 2 dress he offered as a prize.
But even after all the hub bub about skinny Anya, Whitney the bombshell took the prize.
Maybe it means that American girls, the ones who buy Seventeen Magazine and Cover Girl cosmetics, want to buy make-up from models who look like human beings rather than stick figures.
Maybe it means that Cover Girl and Seventeen KNEW that Whitney would appeal to a huge (no pun) demographic of females in America (I'm thinking the south and mid west) who are strong enough to walk, run, play sports, carry stuff, wear clothes that have room for curves, and EAT!
And then next season they'll go right back to lauding the anorectics and vilifying the too old, too fat, and not fresh.
Ah well.
In the meantime... I hope we see more of Whitney. I hope we hear from her. I hope she becomes an icon of good health and blossoming beauty.
God bless her, she looked bangin' in that pink Versace dress.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Here it is, the final showdown! Just look at Whitney on that runway. What a GODDESS!! Stunning. click here or click below
You know, I would never rudely blurt out, "Oh, I hate kids!!" to someone I'd just met. What if the person I'm talking to is a parent? Or works in child care or for DYFS?
So I don't tolerate people blurting out,"Oh, I hate cats!" It's rude and unnecessary.
We should be more mindful of what comes out of our mouths and what goes in. Hmph.
Mindful of what comes out and goes into our mouths...what a concept!
It's not just mindful eating that makes us well, it's mindful everything. Being mindful takes work. It's so much easier to just plop from one situation to the next acting on impulse, saying anything that comes to mind, eating anything that's convenient. Mindfulness is deliberate.
It takes guts to sit still with one's hunger or one's emotions. Usually we stay busy busy busy with our day's work and postpone our feelings for later. Then, we never get to them until we're shoving them deep down inside us with too much convenience food, or distracting ourselves from life with a cigarette or doing some other compulsive thing that takes us away from ourselves.
Check out Mindful Eating using the CAMP system (click here).
"With a mindful change of attitudes, you learn to see food in a new way. You appreciate food more, recognize its great gifts, and give it --and yourself-- an heightened sense of respect." - Attitudes
The old, punishing ways are not working. The drill sergeant approach has failed us.
Society is kinda catching on. We're deeply dissatisfied. We're hurting ourselves.
We know that something is OFF. Not right. Unjust. Needs improving.
The seekers are seeking solutions and what do you know, we're finding them or creating them.
I know the phrase "compromised immune system" is screaming for attention right now. I've talked about needing to be more aggressive in my wellness activities...and no, that does not mean being more aggressive about running like a hamster on a treadmill at the gym.
I mean being mindful of the things I put into my mouth, my brain, my lungs, my eyes, my ears, my life, my thoughts.
I need some balance. I need some kindness.
Scratch that. I need some balance and LOTS of kindness.
Don't yell at me. Don't push me. Don't call me names ....self.
Talk nice to me...self. Take my hand and lead me into the things I need to do...self. Tell me how good I am...self.
I am a loving creature worthy of respect, kindness, attention and care. I am a loving creature who loves life by loving herself and others.
If I say it enough times, I'll believe it.
Really.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* "...be happy what you have..." Mindfulness. Gratitude. Happy-ness. By the by, how gorgeous is Tulku Lama Lobsang? click here or click below
Yeah, me and Nataliedee are the fashionistas! I'm currently wearing thrice stained sweatpants that are so huge on me I pulled the waistband up over my Vander Boobens to create a lovely strapless look. And who could resist the three day t-shirt, stinky and gross, with flecks of various yogurts on the front a la Jackson Pollack. Flop socks and matted, dirty hair complete this Spring's work from home look.
Gratuitous LOL Cat.
Gratuitous Dave cat.
Gratuitous Lisa shot to remind you what I look like when I'm not sick.
I wish I DID work from home. Sure, I'd blob around in three day outfits and dirty hair, but eventually I'd ride a hypo-manic high out into the world to do a talk or conduct a workshop or take in a something or other.
Next semester (Fall) will be good for me. I'm only teaching one day a week, at night, back to back 2 1/2 hour classes. One night of info-taining. One super night of high energy performing...uh, I mean teaching.
Now the question is, what will I do during the days?? It's time to find full time work. I'm cool with that. I'm more than cool, I'm ready.
Mentally ready. Physically, not so good. This flair up of shingles is a red flag. Doc says stress usually precedes it. Stress and a compromised immune system.
Not good.
Not good that even NOT working full time I managed to have enough stress to do this to myself. Well, maybe the financial stress is getting to me. Not maybe, definitely.
The stress of not getting that job and then of Jacob's death, plus end of the semester stuff was enough to knock me down like this.
Damn.
So, I lied in bed last night and told myself good things. I went down a list of stuff I had accomplished during the day. I talked nice to myself about needing and getting rest. I attracted good things to myself with my imagination.
Fine. Some nice self-talk for beddy bye time.
But the self-talk that runs on automatic all day is still tense, guilt-ridden, panicked, un-trusting, dissatisfied and critical. Yeah, I need to work on that.
Someone I know from school once said that his goal was to "not care about anything". I understand. It's a burden to care TOO MUCH about stuff. Letting stuff get to us is such a drain on our health. It's good to care but not so much that we get sick.
I thought about that. I thought about caring too much which I guess is another way of saying WORRY.
For all my worries, I thought, in the end, I'm still dead.
No matter what job I get, which bills get paid, how much weight I lose, when I get my body lift surgery, what I do with my life, I'm still dead in the end.
So why worry?
But I do worry.
Life matters to me. I do care.
It's ok to care. It's ok to let stuff matter but not so much that it kills me early.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Oh, so it's feeling out of control that causes stress! No wonder. This doc gives a short, to the point, helpful minute of advice about handling stress. I like. click here or click below
If I could draw like Nataliedee I'd make cartoons like this...
"Hiking on vacation?? I was thinking more along the lines of lying in bed, butt to butt with our laptops and only getting up to eat and occasionally shower."
"It would have been so much easier if during the movie you didn't stick it through the bottom of the popcorn tub like that. I mean, you had me at 'extra salty'"
"You read my blog and say I'm 'relentlessly self-confessional'? That's not true. I relent all the timeto play Scrabulous, Superheroes, Lil' Green Patch... not to mention my TV habit."
I got help for my ailment and I'm slowly getting better. (Can I tell you? I don't wish shingles on my worst enemy. It infected the nerves on the side of my head. It's intense migraine pain plus infection plus a swollen itchy face and burning scalp.)
It takes strength to admit vulnerability. I need to remember that. I need to remember that asking for HELP isn't weak, it's smart.
Asking for help is smart (she repeated for her own benefit).
A kind reader wrote to me on FB and said, "Remember that going to the doctor, taking meds, etc, are all good self care things. That isn't weak, weak is denying yourself help when its available. Strong is reaching out when what you've tried isn't working, or you don't have the answers, or reached the end of your rope."
True. It DOES take strength to admit that I need help. Thanks for the reminder :-)
And, vulnerability is not the only issue. It's a trust thing too.
I've been dismissed, abused, misdiagnosed, overcharged, laughed at, denied care, discriminated against and yelled out by doctors.
Going to a doctor is an ordeal for me. It's emotional. It's risky. I can be humiliating.
It can also be helpful.
For as many negative stories I have there are positive stories too. Medicine has saved my life on more than one occasion.
For as many great herbs and natural remedies as there are out there I can point out pharmaceutical medicines that did the job quickly and efficiently.
There is no tried and true advice about when to ask for help. There is no ALWAYS or YOU SHOULD or EVERY TIME.
I have no pithy inspirational quote.... THERE IS NO pithy inspirational quote that fits every situation.
Every decision we make requires discernment, patience, thoughtfulness, mindfulness, compassion, prudence, and intuition.
Know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.
I guess that counts as a pithy quote.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* No one can take away what I love about myself (what DO I love about myself exactly??) I just wish they'd take away what I don't love about myself. Or help me replace the non-love with love. click here or click below
Enjoy pictures that are only loosely, nay not even remotely related to today's blog post.
Could this dormant (now active and very painful) virus be what the psychics were talking about when they said I need to pay more attention to my health??
Oh, you think that sounds flakey?? Listening to psychics when it comes to one's health? No flakier than the hunt and peck diagnoses I've suffered through over the years. Sometimes intuition is a good indicator of what's going on. Sometimes a psychic can see what a blood test cannot.
I remember back in the 90's when my roommate came home after seeing a psychic. She had seen organisms living in his gut, harmful organisms. He bought books on Candida Albicans. We took Dr. Cook's questionnaire. We noticed an improvement in our alertness and energy level when we avoided sugar, white flower and followed the anti-yeast diet.
Now, try going to a physician and complaining about fatigue, aches and pains, fogginess, depression, low energy, headaches, persistent fat around the belly, digestive problems, and other vague but persistent symptoms and watch how they NEVER ask about your diet. Go ahead. Try it.
They'll humiliate you, laugh at you, tell you not to trust what you read on the internet and dismiss your symptoms as being a side affect of being overweight or just dismiss you entirely after their tests show nothing.
Same with my shingles.
I've had blood tests pre and post op. No one was looking for lurking viruses lying dormant waiting to deform my head. But carrying a virus like this can zap a person's energy or compromise an immune system.
Yet no one would look for it in the absence of acute symptoms.
Modern medicine treats acute symptoms and obvious ailments.
Lifestyle illnesses caused by diet don't come up in the doctor's office. If it's not treatable with drugs, then it ain't worth the doctor's time.
In the absence of LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY to have in depth tests, one might go see a psychic. One might be told that there's something wrong. One might have NO IDEA what that means until one's head swells and nearly falls off.
When two, yes two, card readers told me that I had to watch my health I thought they were crazy. I was working out 6 DAYS A WEEK. I had lost over 100 pounds. My diabetes was fading. My apnea was being treated. My diet was much improved. I thought things were on the upswing for me health-wise.
So why did two of them frown at the cards and warn me about my health?
I'm wondering if it could have been this virus that they saw.
Here I am. No health insurance. No money.
What do I do?
Food. Exercise. Rest. Mental wellness. Things in my control.
I've got to step it up and take better care of myself.
If I don't, who will?
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Crave sugar? Can't go a day without bread?? This country lives on candida causing, processed, crap food. No wonder we're all in pain, sluggish, terminally fat and depressed. click here or click below
Three spoiled animals. (Left to Right: Sebastian, Bosie, Gabriel)
My beautiful Gabriel.
I feel so guilty about being sick. I'm looking back on what I was writing about this shingles episode. I had to be talked into taking my symptoms seriously. Other people had to tell me that a swollen face around the eye is a DANGER sign. Folks had to tell me that severe head pain shouldn't be ignored.
It feels like a self indulgence to take care of myself, to rest, to get proper sustenance. That could be my low self-esteem talking. It could be a society that calls us "weak" if we have needs.
Deep down I believe that being sick is my fault. Being sick is somehow my fault for not being _______. Just fill in the blank with whatever works. "Good enough" might be a good phrase to use there.
When I 'm tired, I beat myself up for not being active enough, taking vitamins, using the juicer that's collecting dust on top of the refrigerator, getting adequate rest, eating right, meditating, being overall perfect.
Then there's that partial truth to all that. Sure, an active person who takes good vitamins, juices daily, rests well, meditates and accepts herself probably has a great chance of being healthier than I have been.
But being tired is not a character flaw.
So what's the proper response?
Lambasting myself for not living up to my own standards doesn't seem to be working.
What does work?
Saying nice, good, supportive, accepting, kind things to myself always makes me feel better. It makes me want to do more for myself and others.
It's challenging to find support for that kind of self-talk. Our society isn't set up to foster good self-esteem. The media is hell bent on making us feel inadequate in order to keep our capitalist machine churning - find flaws then buy stuff to fix those flaws.
What's a girl to do?
I could unplug. I could give up magazines, TV, certain internet habits, living close to THE city, being caught up in a system that keeps people sick, soul-sick, unhappy and self-destructive.
But...but...but.. I feel too out of it when I unplug. I feel too disconnected from people. I feel indignant and humorless when I remove myself from pop culture.
There's got to be a way to enjoy myself and take care of myself both at the same time.
I gotta figure it out.
And I will.
Cuz that's how I roll.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Wow. This is brilliant. Why DO we let stupid crap determine our self worth? Let's get better. Let's be rebellious and love ourselves. click here or click below
"What do you want a meaning for? Life isn't a meaning, it's a desire. Desire is the motivation of all life. It's what makes a rose want to be a rose... want to grow like that, and a rock want to contain itself... and remain like that." - Charlie Chaplin
Desire is what makes us do what we do. Desire IS motivation. See? Charlie Chaplin figured that out long before I was born.
I guess great truths pop up over and over again in different ways for different people. Same message. Different brains.
Motivation is about authenticity, being on the path in alignment with one's will, not forcing oneself to do something.
For instance, I don't have to be motivated to blog. I don't have to drag myself to the computer. I don't get writers' block. This isn't a chore for me.
There's an ease to this. It's the path of least resistance.
Not to say that the "easy" way is the best way or only way. But it - whatever that "it" may be - shouldn't have to be so hard that we'd rather be doing something else.
By the by, I'm feeling better. I saw a real live doctor who gave me a real live diagnosis (shingles....gross.... and really painful) and real live Famciclovir and real live pain meds.
Cuz the desire to be well outweighed the desire to not be bothered (and thanks to everyone who expressed concern and got me "motivated" to take care of myself, or rather, got me in touch with my desire to be healthy).
Our desire gets clouded over with crap. Same way dust and smoke ruin a sharp, hi def, tv picture. The picture is there, crisp and clear, but the mucky dust obscures it.
Same with desire.
Guess sometimes we just have to squeegee our authenticity, eh?
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Unselfconscious creativity? Free the self. Be the instrument. He says, "You can't awaken to your authentic self in meditation. You must be in action" Nice. click here or click below
Here's what I look like when I don't soft-focus, glow-effect or crop the photo at all.
Looking at my swelling in this picture, it's not so bad. I'm less worried now. And, wow, I look just like my father! I'm such a Sargese.
Who gets kissed on top of the head and doesn't want his picture taken?
“There is nothing in the world more stubborn than a corpse: you can hit it, you can knock it to pieces, but you cannot convince it.” - Alexander Herzen
I know I'm stubborn. Let's hope I don't turn into a corpse because of it.
The pain in the side of my head has not lessened. It's spreading. The right side of my face is swollen. My right eye was swollen shut this morning.
I cried about it. Then the swelling went down a bit.
This is not going to be a blog post where I complain about my symptoms. (She said as she complained about her symptoms).
Here's what I DO want to talk about: knowing when to act.
When is something serious enough to take action about?
I have a hard time with that.
Back when I had the flesh eating staff infection that almost killed me, I had to be COERCED into seeing the doctor (who immediately hospitalized me in isolation for 3 weeks). If it were up to me, I would have taken my colloidal silver and green superfoods and slept it off. Might have died, but...hey...karma intervened and saved me from myself.
So now this thing - this half a swollen head with severe, intermittent pain that FEELS like an infection sitting on a head-nerve - has me in a quandary.
Do I take antibiotics and hope for the best? Or do I see an expensive doctor just in case?
As of now, it's going to be bed rest, anti-biotics, tea and hope for the best.
If I don't see some improvement over the next 24 hours, I'll reassess.
Fair 'nuff?
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Liking ALL our parts? Sounds like a challenge. I like the idea of "Success Television"!! click here or click below
Today was a gorgeous day. Rather than mope indoors (or rest like I SHOULD be doing) I showered, dragged myself to campus, and sat on the lawn with a few of my favorite people. Can I just tell ya? You know you love someone when you think they're absolutely beautiful in direct sunlight.
Me? I looked like crap. Half my face is swollen up like a moon. I had no makeup on. My hair wasn't done. Every yucky breakout on my face was glaringly obvious. And I didn't care. Well, I cared, but not as much as I usually do.
I really was so content to be in the company of a few good people with the sun blaring at us and a nice breeze, what could matter?
The anxiety, and I did have some, was low level. I didn't feel pressured to make conversation. I didn't feel too, too terrible about how I looked. I tried to focus on the folks I was with and what they had to say.
For the most part, it worked. I was as close to happy as I've been in a long while.
I enjoyed them. And the sun. And the not caring too much about what I looked like.
I guess sometimes it's good to be other-focused. It's good to sit on the lawn in the sun.
So good.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* It was nice to be happy for a few minutes in the sun. So here is my favorite poet, Rumi. "How Very Close You Are" ...I am love and I am always yours... click here or click below
"Plodding slowly forward is probably a good idea for us all... remember that courageous acts of change include, and even require, small manageable new moves, along with inevitable frustrations and derailments." - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. in "The Dance of Intimacy"
I ate lunch with someone who eats less than I do. I asked her why. She said she just doesn't eat much at one sitting.
I was jealous.
Not that I overate at lunch or anything. I ate my meal. Soup, one scoop of brown rice, tofu, mushrooms, tea and green tea cake for dessert. Perfect, normal, healthy portions. Satisfying, healthy lunch.
SHE left most of her entree on her plate. Barely touched her dessert.
I couldn't imagine being sated on such a small amount of food.
She's not super thin. She's not chubby either. She looks healthy.
And I couldn't get over how little she ate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know how comparing isn't healthy blah blah blah. I know.
I'm just saying, I noticed.
And I'm jealous.
It would be oh, so easy to just starve the rest of this fat off my body. Maybe get a revision to the bypass and enjoy another year of honeymooning (honeymoon = the initial period of rapid weight loss after weight loss surgery). Just let the surgery work its magic.
It would be great to overcome this eating disorder, get in shape, look great and never have to worry about overeating ever again.
But that ain't how it works.
My karma wants me to work this out.
I'm halfway to skinny AND halfway to cured.
I have my relationship with my body to work on. My relationship with food to heal. A lifetime of damage to fix.
Plodding forward, one small move at a time.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* Consciousness. Honesty. Behavior. Responsibility. That's Susan Powter's Weight Loss Program. Think we should work together someday?? click here or click below
Whatever this pain is living in/near my ear, it needs to LEAVE. The area is tender, swollen and pressing on nerves causing me incredible, icky pain.
I had one big, horse-pill antibiotic left in the medicine cabinet. I cut it into 4 pieces and have been taking it every 8 hours in hopes that it will make a small dent in the infection.
The next strategy is fasting. I figured I'd give my digestion machine a rest so that my body could pay attention to eliminating whatever is clogged up in/near my ear.
In the meantime, I'm living on incredible, icky pain killers.
I don't know how people get addicted to these pain pills. They make me sick. The wooziness they cause is unpleasant. I'm nauseated and want to get back in bed to sleep this off.
The nausea is helping me not eat, but
but...
I usually fight nausea with food.
Nice cold, creamy yogurt. I nice crispy apple.
I'm used to treating EVERYTHING with food.
Today I'm hoping my fast helps me heal.
I have to go lie down now.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* She calls it a FEAST not a Fast. She's juicing the juices, not drinking packaged stuff from the supermarket. I've always wanted to do this. Not likely to do it for 92 days, though. Listen to this. She's fascinating. click here or click below
What did I do to love my body today? Nursed a dangerous earache. It's still raging underneath the blanket of pain killers. Cooked (yes, even though I'm not feeling well) a giant pot of delicious chicken, vegetable barley soup. Gardened outside in the fresh air. Dug my hands right into the wet soil. Who needs gardening tools? Made my apartment surroundings somewhat clean and as comfortable as possible. Took some nice deep breaths. Did some self massage on the right side of my head, neck and shoulder (that's where the earache is).
We are not our bodies, yet we are our bodies.
Some of us treat our bodies like it's an alien. Some of us treat our bodies like it's an enemy. Some of us try to distance ourselves from our bodies.
Some of us treat our bodies like it's a temple. Some of us treat our bodies like it's an ally. Some of us work to integrate mind and body.
I'm in mine, then I'm out of mine. Loving it. Hating it.
The only marriage that truly lives up to the vow, "Til death do us part."
For better or for worse.
We better learn how to get along.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day* More, please. More examples of round, curvy, dark haired, over 21, beautiful women, please. More examples of big, lovely women who move with ease. click here or click below
Ouch. Everything hurts. But it doesn't mean I'm going to stay still. It also doesn't mean I'm going to punish my body with inappropriate exercise either.
Staying still won't make my aches and pains go away. and moving in ways that flare up my old injuries or cause new ones isn't a good idea either.
So NOW WHAT??
The two top options on my mind right now are Rochelle Rice and me developing my own fitness routine.
Rochelle Rice is the developer of the Plus Size Exercise Technique. Her tag line on her speaker profile is "I move people..."
Go to her website and you'll see how her classes are designed to get folks like me moving without destroying our fragile bodies. For instance I saw this sentence in a description for one of her Yoga classes, " This course is designed for all levels from seated in a chair to standing and everything in between!"
It's encouraging to see someone who understands.
But she's in the city. That's a huge pain in the ass for me in my present exhausted, achey state.
Wouldn't it be nice if she opened a center in Montclair?? Maybe that's a possibility.
It's also a possibility that someday I may open a center of my own in Montclair. If my needs are not being met by the options available in the fitness world- locally - then chances are there are other women like me who need to move but can't find nurturing smart attentive fitness options.
Nurturing. Smart. Attentive.
That's how movement SHOULD be.
sigh
It's always up to me to take care of me.
*Lisa's Video pic of the Day* Beautiful, women of size in motion. I need to see more of this. I need to work on healing and validating myself as I am. click here or click below
"I believe that many people are not physically injured so much as they are truly mentally injured. Spiritually injured. Come on, get up!! When you were born you did not realize how good was your mental, your physical, you had a pure mind, so clean, a pure body... Cherish yourself."
Cherish myself? That may be the hardest lesson of all. It's a challenge to be kind to myself, kind inwardly, kind with my self talk and kind outwardly with movement, kind from the outside in withnourishment and inside out with authenticity.
Making my actions match my intentions, making my body match my habits, figuring out who I am and what I want, are all difficult.
It's so much easier to let others decide for me. It's so much easier to go with the flow, to not make things more difficult than they have to be, to put myself down like I always have.
I tend to "should" all over myself. I "should" eat less. I "should" look a certain way. I "should" exercise.
Training hard is one thing. Forcing myself to do exercises that are injuring me is quite another.
I must give myself permission to feel my aches and pains, to discern their signals, to alleviate them rather than pretend they're not there or ignore them and 'fight through it'.
I understand that sometimes it's important to act differently than how we feel. I get it. We can't let our emotions capsize our goals, plans and promises, they're too capricious.
BUT... and everyone loves a big butt! We can't constantly deny our feelings, either. Feelings need to be felt. If we don't feel them, process them, work through them and get on with life, they become internalized in our bodies as pain, in our diets as poison, in our actions as undesirable habits and in our words as venom or criticism.
I've gotten this far on gumption. I've lost 140 pounds by changing my eating habits and living habits. But the success won't last for long unless I take it to the next level.
I need to make peace with myself, my body and with food.
Change doesn't come from scolding. It comes from acceptance.
*Lisa's video pic of the Day* From antakungfu.com Perfect stance is a perfect foundation. Yoga begins with a basic stance. It looks like nothing special but listen to him describe it. Staying in perfect form is a workout in itself!! click here or click below
Bosie and Gabriel sit on Mommy's chair cuz it's butt-warmed!
I'm angry. Not pissed off, not ticked off, not in a bad mood, but deeply angry. Angry in my cels.
The Anger is making every thing hurt. It's blocking me from moving.
And that's ok.
That last part is soooooo important, the "that's ok" part. It's the key to unlocking peace of mind and body. Letting go of harsh judgment of myself and others is going to take some work.
And it's work worth doing.
I say it's worth doing here on this blog because writing it down makes it more real:
It's OK to feel what I feel.
Seeing it in writing makes my idea more concrete. It's validating.
If we waited for the outside world to validate us we'd never leave the house. It would be NICE if we could uplift, edify and encourage one another. And many times we do, but in order to heal a badly broken self-esteem, the validation has to come from within. Nothing else can make up for the deficit.
"Control' means eating food prescribed by others, according to their rules - what you do when you go on a diet (page 1) ....
You will discover that the simple act of feeding yourself when you're hungry has great psychological consequences (page 2) ....
Controlling your eating and losing weight will never resolve your need to calm yourself with food (page 13).....
The more unacceptable you feel, the less able you are to change (page 23).....
The truth is people never scold themselves into significant change (page 40).....
...buried under the layers of self-contempt is not a thin person wanting release, but a rebel demanding to be heard and understood.....
...a rebel in constant protest against what has, by now, become her own imposition of cultural standards and judgments (page 45)"
Hear that world!! Don't try to control me!!!
I resist control. And that's OK.
I don't like being told what to do by folks who don't understand me.
Don't tell me I HAVE to eat a certain way or I HAVE to exercise. That kind of pressure is short lived. It's short lived even if the person telling me what I HAVE to do is me.
You can see how my iron-willed, work out every damned day, never fail-streak petered out.
I believe there are deep spiritual truths behind that petering.
The validation was false. It was pushy. It wasn't from my truest ME.
Shi Yan Ming says, "I enjoy food very much. You want to eat, your body needs. Go eat! You want to drink, drink!" Beer is his drink of choice, which he calls "special water." He especially enjoys wine and French champagne ("very special water!"). He's big on martial arts movies and an ace on his Sega Dreamcast. And if you were wondering about any vows of chastity, Shi Yan Ming and his partner (and manager) Korean-American music publicist Sofia Chang are expecting their first child any day now.
If any of this seems contradictory, Shi Yan Ming is quick to point out that it's all in the balance.
"Do the positive things", he admonishes. "Do the beautiful things. There are many beautiful things."
It's all about Chi, baby.
Namaste.
*Lisa's Video Pic of the Day* Women Fighting!! I need to kick some ass in this lifetime. Really. click here or click below
Surviving Weight Loss Surgery – My personal experience with multiple bariatric surgery procedures beginning with a failed Gastric Band and revision to a Gastric Bypass (RNY August 2006 at 400 lbs). I've been blogging EVERY DAY for over 3 years about healing after a lifetime of suffering from a severe binge eating disorder, morbid obesity, yo-yo dieting, adrenal fatigue and depression.............................................
In my struggle to be well inside and out I am discovering REAL FOOD, nourishing habits and the mind body connection. I've learned the hard way that health is not a "result" of weight loss, rather fat loss happens naturally when we take care of our health! ..............Lisa holds two Master’s degrees: an M.T.S. in Theological Studies (Drew University, 2002) and an M.A. in Counseling and Human Services (Montclair State, 2006). She earned her B.A. in Philosophy, from MSU in 2000. Lisa is a professor of religion, psychology, women's studies and philosophy, a certified hypnotist, peer support group facilitator, public speaker on topics ranging from health and nutrition to spirituality and eating disorder recovery.
My goal - and I hate the word "goal" because it sounds like someone else's idea of what I SHOULD be doing rather than a vision I've created for myself - is to lose another 100 pounds.
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