do you want to be RIGHT or in RELATIONSHIP?

nataliedee.com

Today I'm giving a talk at our Second Annual MSU Peace Conference.
My talk is called "Interfaith Dialog: Can we really keep it Peace-ful??"
The essence of my talk is the notion that in order to have a successful conversation on heated topics we have to give up 'being right'.

How do we do that?
Well, the moment that someone expresses an opinion that's different from ours and makes us want to REACT we should stop and check ourselves.

See, we are humans.
Humans enjoy a certain primal satisfaction in thinking we are smarter than the next person.
It's satisfying and kinda fun to point out to someone how stupid they are.
I've been known to use the phrase, "It's ok, you're entitled to your wrong opinion."

Funny.
But a statement like that puts people on the defense.
I'd be defensive if someone said that to me!

The moment we feel righteous
the moment we feel 'better than'
the moment we feel that 'if only they would think like me, the world would be a better place' is the moment we've lost our ability to have a true dialog.
We've made ourselves 'right' or 'better than' and put the other person on the defensive.

Dialog turns into taking-turns-talking and no new understandings take place.

I know.
I've been facilitating interfaith dialogs on this campus for over 6 years.
I've experienced both roles. I've been the righteous one and the defensive one.

I've seen people get pissed off,
offended,
angry,
loud,
vehement,
and I've seen them get so inflamed with righteousness they storm out of the room.

Did a new understanding take place?
Or did we become even more judgmental and defensive?

The moment I get the inclination to think of someone else as
closed-minded
self-righteous
uninformed
unenlightened
ignorant
misguided
or just plain wrong
I imagine how they're feeling about ME at that moment.

Given that we're human, chances are they're thinking the same thing about me.

NOW WHAT?

At that moment I need to GIVE UP on trying to change them and
CHANGE MYSELF.

I could tell you that it's impossible to change someone else, but rhetoricians and salespeople have been doing it for years.
There is such a thing as the art of persuasion.
There ARE ways to change people's minds.
That's what the world of advertising is all about, right?

If you're a master of persuasion then, hey, more power to ya.

But in an interfaith conversation, I feel it is more spiritually ethical to give up the desire to persuade.
After all, isn't ALL spiritual practice about union with the divine?
Becoming ego-less, losing our lives so that we may gain them, involves a self-emptying.
Being 'right' is a way to be attached to our identity over and against other people.
It breeds disconnection rather than connection.
Our need to be right, to cling to our identities, blocks spiritual openness to the divine and each other.

If you're thinking,
"Well, I'M being ego-less and open it's THEM who are uptight and clinging stubbornly to their own points of view!"
then you might want to think about letting go.

Sometimes we'll give lip service to the illuminating value of hearing each others opinions when in truth we just want a soapbox for our own.

We preach rather than inquire.
We defend rather than allow our own assumptions to be questioned.

We're so sure our opinions are right, we take any opportunity we can get to speak our opinions publicly, hoping that other like minded, righteous folks will join our cause.
We hope that we'll be able to find others like us who share our correct opinions so we can band together and change the world by sharing our correct opinions loudly and openly with a chorus of supporters attesting to our correctness.

I know.
I've done it.

I was hell-bent on exposing the wrong opinions of others.

As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure I care about opinions
beliefs
values
ideologies
and mine vs. theirs debates as much as I once did.

Opinions may or may not change.

What I DO care about is
HOW WE TREAT ONE ANOTHER.

Whether we agree or disagree isn't as important to me as
how we act once we've heard each other out.

I used to have it out for religious exclusivists - those folks who think their religion is the only right religion and their way of life is holy while everyone else is bound for hell.

I used to be hell-bent on changing their minds.
I sat at the head of an interfaith round table, with indignant tears in my eyes, and asked, "Do you know how hard it is for me to sit here while you say my friends are going to Hell?"
With tears in HER eyes, she answered,
"Do you know how hard it is for me to sit
here while you misinterpreting Scripture?"

Both of us sat there with sincere tears in our eyes.
Both of us desperate to convince one another of the 'right' point of view.
That moment changed me forever.

Instead of seeing our differences, I immediately saw our common goal.
We both thought we had the right answer.
We both thought we knew best.
We were both committed to convincing the other of our 'right' point of view.

WE HAD SOMETHING IN COMMON!

We were clearly committed to the spiritual development of our students.
Our opinions on how to do that were different.
Our interpretations of Scripture were different.
But our COMMITMENTS were the same.

I felt her frustration.
Her frustration was MY frustration.
I thought she was misinterpreting Scripture.
She thought I was misinterpreting Scripture.
We were both emotionally attached to our points of view.

If I wasn't willing to change MY point of view, why should I expect her to be willing to change hers?

She was me.
I was her.

From that day forth it no longer mattered HOW we were interpreting Scripture.
It only mattered THAT we were interpreting Scripture.
Rather than focus on our differences, we focused on our commonalities:
to act with compassion
to love one another
to relieve suffering
to work for the common good on campus and in the world
to offer students a venue in which they could discuss religious questions and find options for the expression of their faith.

Did we still believe that our options for expressing our faith were the right ones?
Yes.
Of course.
But that's what we had in common.

Rather than waste time and energy trying to compete for 'souls' we sat together in weekly, open dialogs and shared our stories, our opinions, our interpretations, always knowing that we were expressing a point of view that the other could accept, reject or continue to consider.

Did we still have a little apprehension on our hearts when we listened to each other?
Sure.
We are human after all.

But we weren't in each other's presence to fight
or compete
or debate
or win.

We truly learned to listen to one an other.
We learned how to listen for ways to work together rather than
work against one another.

We achieved a kind of dialogical nirvana where people of differing opinions could come together and try to understand where the other was coming from with compassion and as little judgement as our fragile human egos would allow.

Take a breath.
Unclench.
Let people be who they are.

I guess I'll be reading this Blog today at our 2nd Annual Peace Conference.

Namaste.

*Movement for Motivation*
Be like the yogi.
Adapt to different people.
Move your body AND your mind.
click here or click below

Love how awesome you are!

Esmilda Abreu and Lisa Sargese,
co-authors of the soon to be published book,
"Halfway to Skinny".

Ploy and me.

nataliedee.com

My buddy Marni and I love the Taco Bell commercial with the two blue number 9's where one says to the other:

"I don't have an ego.
I just love how awesome I am!"

Sometimes I'll jokingly think that to myself.
"I don't have an ego.
I just love how awesome I am!"
But I dare not say it out loud.
Cuz I'm convinced that if I have an ounce of real self-confidence, someone will come along and tell me how awful and stupid and foolish and un-awesome I am
and my fragile self-esteem will blow away like tissue paper in the wind.

I'm convinced that if I believe in myself someone will inevitably and attack me and beat the confidence right out of me.

Sounds crazy, right?

But, no.
It has happened to me.

Family.
Schoolyard bullies.
Teachers.
Professors.
Love interests.
Fair weather friends.
Former friends.

Since I've take off 140 pounds, certain people treat me differently.
I get less compliments and encouragement from certain folks.
They don't go out of their way to include me in certain things
(yeah, sorry I have to be vague).

To certain folks I'm not so in-your-face counter-culture any longer.
I'm not a notch in their belt loop of
see-how-open-minded-I-am-to-hang-out-with-a-grotesquely-obese-person-
as-if-it's-nothing-out-of -the-ordinary-cuz-Lisa-is-an-opportunity-to-show-how-wonderfully-
diverse-my-social-circle-is.

The less pathetic I am
the more disinterested certain folks have become.

Conversely, new folks are starting to allow me to ping on their social radar.

I get smiles and nods from folks who never noticed me before.

It's a bit frustrating.
I'm still Lisa.
My body weights 140 pounds less but I'm still me.

I'm in a new category now.

And approaching another one.

I feel close to my body lift surgery.
No, I haven't heard from either job as yet, but I know that I'll be working full time soon.
I know I'll have benefits and a decent income soon.
I know because I know I'll do whatever I have to in order to make it happen.
Thass How I Roll, baby.

That makes the upcoming body changes more real.
More scary.

What happens when (if?) I enter the category of "hott"??
Will I never hear compliments and encouragement again?
I still need encouragement.
I still want compliments.

Just because I ACT like I have confidence doesn't mean I actually have any.
Just because I ACT like I know how awesome I am doesn't mean I have the slightest clue.

Well, I have a slight clue, but as I said, I'm deathly afraid to actually FEEL confident.
If I actually FEEL confident then I'm vulnerable to attack.
It's safer to self-deprecate.
If my self-esteem stays in the gutter then no one will try to take me down.

But you know me.
I won't stay that way.
I'll toughen up.

I have to get stronger.
I will
I will
I will get stronger.

It's a tough one, this self esteem thing.
But if I can figure it out and make it work, I can help others.
And if others can know and feel how awesome they are then we're
one step closer to a Utopian ideal.

*Movement for Motivation*
What if you took a video game and acted it out in a live action performance piece?
Here's someone I know from school in the role of...um...uh...hmmm.
I have no idea.
But it's fun
and funny.
The money is the 10 seconds between 2:30 - 2:40 into the video.
Enjoy some gratuitous moments of Dave.

enough

One of these toons is by NATALIEDEE

and the other one is by Kevin "Dangerous" Geronimo
who is magically able to draw and create notes
that look exactly like Dave's.
(Can you tell which is Nataliedee's?)

All or nothing thinking can be self-defeating.

Sometimes I get these repeating loops of dialog in my head that play over and over, keeping me from doing stuff.

I've had one in my head for years that said,
"Working out 3 days a week is fine for maintenance.
But if you really want to lose weight you need to work out 4 to 6 times a week
or else don't bother.
You won't burn any fat by working out only a few times per week.
If you're not working out consistently you may as well not do anything."

Did I hear that somewhere?
Did I read it in a magazine?
Is it snippets of stuff I've heard and turned into a self-defeating loop in my head?

I remember the "oohs" and "ahhhs" I got from folks when I was working out 6 days a week.
People were impressed.
Hell, I was impressed!
Whenever I would talk about it I'd get the "Wow! Really?" response.

Then, 10 months into my 6 day a week workout thing, I changed.
Hitting the plateau changed me.
Switching gyms changed me.
My source of motivation changed me.
Getting sick changed me.

Lots of factors changed.
Most significantly, my DESIRE changed.

Working out 6 days a week wasn't fun anymore.
It was no longer fulfilling.
It was a chore.
It filled me with dread and resentment.

So, I stopped.

I tried to walk every day instead.
(Well, I didn't try, I actually did walk almost every day.)
Grouch walking out in the cold wasn't really a healthy strategy.
I got sick.
It took me months to get better.

Back in December my students got me started doing workout classes (kickboxing, yoga, abs, butts and guts, step and schlep, etc.) and since then, I've enjoyed working out with them 2 - 3 times per week.
I've also been doing a lot of walking in campus.

Working out 2 - 3 times per week plus walking is FINE.
(Hear that, self? FINE!!)
Yet, I've wasted energy on feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough.

I spoke to movement guru Rochelle Rice the other day.
She's lovely.
Totally relate-able, sincere and generally awesome.
She talked to me about her passion for movement and her work with women of size.
I remember her saying "...starting one day a week...moving just once a week..."

That changed me.
Hearing that from her changed me.
It took all the pressure off of me.
It gave me permission to enjoy working out 2 - 3 times per week.
It made me feel like I was doing "enough".
It took away my guilt.

Now, the new rec center (a huge, gorgeous fitness facility on campus)
is open and I'm itching to get back to some weights and cardio.
And look how the universe has conspired to help me!
My PRIME MOTIVATORS, my students, are there.
They exercise there.
They hang out there
and they work there.

I feel a Spring renewal coming on.

Inspiration.
Desire.
Movement without guilt.

*Movement for Motivation*
The Lurking Patrick is a complex set of movements that requires healthy knees and a high level of flexibility.
When we do squats in our workout classes I don't go down as far as everyone else because I'm protecting my injured knees, but I DO go down into a squat.
It's shallow but it works.
As long as I'm feeling a healthy burn it's good.
I modify for my fitness level.
Better to do ONE Lurking Patrick in correct form in a modified way than to force yourself into an exercise that's injurious.
click here or click below

room laps

unending toon by NATALIEDEE

I used to eat my way to unending sadness.
craving
stuffing
passing out

Sad.
So sad.

The tendency is still with me.
The urge to eat past full, to compulsively stuff myself is still perched like the devil on my shoulder.

It's hard work to deal with emotions.
It takes discipline to drink water when I'm thirsty.
It takes planning to make time for adequate rest.

In the past I would just try to eat my emotions away.
If I had a craving I wouldn't sit still with it to decipher what my body really wanted (sometimes I was simply thirsty).
If I was tired I would try to eat my way back to energy.

It never worked.
I tried to eat my way to happiness or eat my way to feeling better but it always ended up making me feel worse.

The guilt over eating made me eat more.
I was resigned to a fat, sedentary life.

As I get better I still catch myself being resigned to certain things, like not running.
Because of my knees and the god-awful flapping pannus I have this nutty idea that I can't and shouldn't run.

Yesterday at kickboxing, the student who teaches the class had us run laps around the workout room.

Laps!!

I wanted to leave.
I wanted to hide.
I was so embarrassed, but I did my best.
I stayed in that room and did what I could to run.

I had a hard time keeping up.
I ran toward the inside of the circle so I wouldn't have to run as far and maybe my lumbering pace wouldn't make me look freakishly slow.

I lagged behind everyone else.
I was out of breath.
My lungs burned like I had inhaled broken glass.
But I didn't quit.

Slowly, painfully, trailing behind the rest of the class, I did it.

There will come a time when I will be able to keep up.
There will come a time when I will be able to do it without hearing all kinds of thwumping and flapping on my body as I run.

I tell myself it's ok.
I'll be ok for now, as long as I'm doing it.

I can't get better at it by just thinking about it
or planning,
or saying I'll do it someday.

Lumber today.
Run tomorrow.

I'll get there.
I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.

*Movement for Motivation*
Look!
Real people!
Big people!
I remember a time when doing this, a workout for plus size folks, would have been too much for me.
I had to work to get where I am today.
It was worth it.
This is awesome.
I wish they had cooler music.
Meh, you could always put on your headphones.
click here or click below


Yesterday's Activity: one hour of kickboxing and 30 minutes of abs!! With Ploy, Geronimo and Kelly :-)

Big Fat Carnie Wilson and me

“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends”
- anonymous

Carnie Wilson before gastric bypass surgery and after her initial 150+ weight loss.

Carnie today after gaining back some, but not all, of her original weight.

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently"
- Henry Ford

Look! One of my favorite places on campus!

Folks who are considering the gastric bypass surgery need to talk to, look at, consider, folks like me and Carnie Wilson.

I'm not entirely sure of Carnie's story (click here for an article where she discusses why she gained weight).

I DO know that the honeymoon is over for me AND for her.

The honeymoon period is the time - a few months or years - after the gastric bypass when the weight comes off easily. Our smaller stomachs keep us from eating large amounts of food. Our intestines are absorbing less calories. We hit our goal weight easily.

Then the honeymoon is over.

Our smaller stomachs (some folks call them 'pouches') expand to the size of a softball. Our intestines relearn how to absorb calories. With increased eating and calorie absorption the pounds can return.

Some folks say that Carnie has failed.
Some folks have hinted to me that I'm not really losing weight fast enough or that I eat too much.

Yet, I'm not gaining back any weight.
I plateau,
then lose,
then plateau,
and lose some more.

I'm shrinking slowly but surely.
And yes, I do eat like a semi-normal person.

Does this mean that Carnie is doing something wrong and I'm doing something right??
I don't like clear cut black and white, right or wrong, thinking.

Let's just say I'm doing something different.

(For the record, Carnie weights 208 and is 9 years post-op and I weigh 239 after almost 2 years post op. Her net loss is 92 pounds. My net loss so far is 138 pounds.)

If we totalled up the amount of food I eat in a day and the amount of food Carnie eats in a day (I mean volume NOT calories) I bet we eat the same amount.
She says she's a snacker.
I'm a snacker too.

Naps and snacks.
Love 'em.

She runs around after her toddler.
I run around on campus.

I have a feeling we get a similar amount of exercise.
She works out.
I work out.

She eats.
I eat.

What's the difference?

Here's my theory: the difference is the type and quality of food we're eating.

You can talk about calories if you want but I won't.
I don't count calories.
It would be irresponsible of me to talk about calorie consumption without knowing (or caring) how many calories we each consume in a day.

I'm not interested in calories.
I'm convinced that foods have more than one function in the body.
Calories, providing fuel, is just one of the many functions of food.
The other factors have LOTS to do with how our bodies look and feel.

Certain foods give pep.
Other foods drag us down based on the way we digest them.

Certain carbs wreak havoc on the blood sugar making one foggy or energetic or sleepy or hungry.
Sugar too.

Certain foods have better nutritional value than others thereby making them ideal for energy and metabolic efficiency.

Fat?
Don't get me started on fat.
Fat makes me nauseated and sluggish.
Even before my gastric bypass surgery fatty foods dragged my energy down.

What's the difference between my food and Carni's food?
Fat content.
Sugar content.
Fiber content.
Quality (fresh vs. processed).

What do I snack on?
Wasa.
Tamari Almonds.
Celery.
Apples.
Pears.
Grapes.
Oranges.
Yogurt.
Sugar free jello.
Sugar free/fat free jello pudding.
Sugar free ice pops.
Whole grain cereal.

What does Carnie snack on?
She said “I have a weakness when it comes to snacking. For me, it’s a tortilla with cheese, popcorn and graham crackers, all in one night.”

Cheese?
All fat.
Dairy with fat is heavy and makes us heavy.
Popcorn?
Is it air popped? Or does if have that fakey horrible butter on it (even the low fat versions have that crap on it).
Tortilla?
Carby starchy fatty corn tortillas or whole grain low fat tortillas?
Graham crackers? What kind?
Are they full of corn syrup?

Maybe our hands carry food to our mouths the same number of times each day.
But when the honeymoon is over, we need to have changed WHAT WE EAT or the weight will come back.

Now for the Big and Fat part.
I look at Carnie and I think she's gorgeous.
Fat, thin, zaftig, don't care.
She's a beautiful girl.
I can look at big, fat, beautiful Carnie and call her GORGEOUS.
I can easily love her roundness,
her bulk,
her bigness,
her shape.

I look forward to a time when I will look at myself with the same loving eye.

*Movement for Motivation*
You don't have to give up dessert.
You don't have to give up flavor and sweetness and the joy of baking.
Just change the type of baking you do.
Throw some oats into the mix.
Use molasses instead of sugar (you'll get iron from molasses).
Use applesauce instead of butter or margarine.
Eat!!
Eat smart.
click here or click below

love love love

One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied:

" Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it:

Love your neighbor as yourself."

(Matthew 22:35-39)

Simple.
Yet I seem to screw it up on a daily basis.

Love
love
love.

Love God.
Love others.
Love self.

The two greatest commandments
according to Jesus
are to
LOVE.

I have to rub circles on my own chest and go
ssshhhhhh
shhhhhhhh
shhhhhh
'It's ok'
shhhhhh
over all my anxieties
doubts
jealousies
anger
fear
and remember
to
Love.

It ain't easy.
If it were easy,
God wouldn't have to COMMAND it.

*Movement for Motivation*
I'm not pushing Dove but I am pushing this idea.
We all deserve to feel good about ourselves.
click here or click below

Activity: I forgot to mention the one hour of Butts and Guts with Ploy, Kelly and Darren on Monday!

hocus focus

LISA: "What is it about gamers? Sometimes, some of them seem to, well...they kinda...I hate to say 'stink' but ... let's say they have a grooming challenge. Why do you think that is?"

ALLY: "The only challenge they care about is whatever game they're playing. All they care about is getting to the next level. In that way they are totally focused."




My mother told me to "Stay focused."

I was crying last night and a bit this morning.
I' was frustrated because I haven't heard anything about the job(s) yet.
The uncertainty is getting to me.
More so, the financial situation.
I'm squeaking by.
Barely.

When I expressed my concern to my mother she reassured me.
She told me that she expected this year to bring a lot of positive changes for me, that it was ok to borrow money from her and my father to make ends meet while I get my career together.
She told me not to worry and to
STAY FOCUSED.

"On what?" I asked.

"On your talents, your accomplishments, your degrees and how valuable you are.
Walk around with confidence.
Those people have everything to gain by hiring you,
but you have to project that!
Stay focused on what you are"
she said.

Whoa.
Sometimes my mother says just the right thing.
I felt better.

I went from weepy to wonderful.
Hapless to hopeful.
Fallen to focused!

Thanks, Mom.

She's right.
I am a really hard worker.
I am a valuable asset!

I need to trust that the universe will meet me
and give me exactly what I've been attracting.

Working hard,
caring,
being involved,
MUST
be attracting something good.

Good efforts bring good results, right?

I just hafta stay focused.

*Movement for Motivation*
Sometimes I forget that the universe is responsive to thoughts.
Our bodies are responsive to words, thoughts, intentions.
Look at Emoto's experiment with water!
click here or click below

damn dam

toon by NATALIEDEE

My DVD drive (you know, the cup-holder drive) is stuck.
It won't open.
This is an obstacle to my uploading my recent video of myself.
I wanted to provide a video update to my readers and folks on YouTube who've asked how I'm doing now.
Stupid disc drive.

Stuck.

That's not the only thing that's stuck.
I didn't get the phone call I was expecting last week with any kind of news about the job.
More stuck.

Waiting.

The temptation is to get caught in a loop of aggravation thinking about the stuck-ness.
stuck
waiting
stuck
waiting
stuck
waiting
put my life on hold till I can resolve these problems over which I have very little control
caught
in
a
loop

Dwelling makes me unhappy.
I'll be happier if I resist the temptation to dwell on the things I can't control.

Ok, then, what things DO I control??
My effort
my attitude
my response
my will.

Yes, we control these things
AND I HAVE PROOF

On Saturday, Marni and I worked on video stuff.
We watched a video of me from the day before my surgery.
I was enormous, 377 pounds.
I had difficulty breathing and moving, but I was smiling and downright chipper which is weird because I was in a great deal of pain.

In the video I talked about what I expected after the surgery.
I talked about how I anticipated grieving over losing my food-buddy-mistress-addiction after the gastric bypass.

That's exactly what happened.
I spent about 3 months grieving,
detoxing
and suffering over the loss of my binge eating behavior.
I blogged about it (click here for "Food's Gone").

In the video I talked about changing from one addiction to another.
I said that perhaps I'd be come a compulsive writer!
That's exactly what happened.
Behold, my blog.

In the video I talked about getting in touch with Susan Powter.
That's exactly what happened.
Behold my response from Susan Powter (click here).

Will is a very powerful thing.
Will is THE most powerful thing.
Will.
Intention.

Will WANTS action.
It's like water.
Water finds its way to the lowest point.
Water will wear away rock if it has to.
It can't be stopped.

Will is the same way.
If it is truly our will to be ______ (fill in the blank with whatever you will)
then it will happen.

If our will is to hide out from life then we'll develop the illnesses or situation that correspond to hiding out from life.
I should know.

If our will is to shine brightly and succeed then we'll attract those situations into our lives.

But, and everyone loves a big butt...........
willing
wanting
saying
are all different and are sometimes in conflict.

Sure we can give lip service to WANTING a better life
but if our will is to keep things status quo, then better-life never comes.
Things stay the same in conformity with our will.

We can SAY we want change
or SAY we want a certain goal but our will has to be in line with the SAYING.

I WANTED a better life,
better health,
more energy,
better self esteem,
a life that I could love.

I SAID I wanted these things, but until my WILL aligned with that WANTING and SAYING I was not successful at making those changes.

Your question might be
HOW DO YOU CHANGE YOUR WILL to match your dreams, goals, plans, and desires?

That's where the hard work comes in.

It's not easy.

Will gets stuck.
It gets blocked by habits, crappy thinking, beliefs, fear, unresolved issues, karma.

Will gets caught behind stuff, like water up against a beaver damn.
Instead of flowing like a stream it spreads out and becomes a lake.
Lakes don't flow as easily.
They can be a little bit stagnant.
But take the beaver dam away and watch it flow.

My WILL to become healthier,
more energetic,
more mobile,
more alive,
was blocked by the beaver dam of my
fear of change,
unattended to physical pain,
unresolved emotional pain,
reluctance to face the reality of how sick I had become,
resistance to responsibility for myself because of my anger at folks who had treated me unfairly throughout my life and
all the the other little sticks and branches of unresolved issues in my beaver dam.

Over the past two years I've worked hard to remove the dam
piece by piece
twig by twig
branch by branch
and pretty soon,
my lake will flow like a stream.

It's already started.
I can prove it.
I've been writing about it every day.

*Movement for Motivation*
"You can't complain your way to happiness" is what the minister of Unity Church said during a news segment on A Complaint Free World: The Purple Bracelet Project
wherein people are encouraged to STOP COMPLAINING for 21 days.
They wear a purple bracelet as a reminder.
If they complain during their attempted 21 days, they have to switch their bracelet to their other wrist and start over.
The church has invited people from all over the world to participate.
They've shipped over 5 million bracelets so far.
Special thanks to my cousins, Jimmy and Maria Pomponio, for showing me the news clip about this!
click here or click below
Powerful stuff!!

moood goood

NATALIEDEE

This is where I blog.

This is the Kreinroniplo? shrine that takes up space above the place I blog.

Mah pet, Zeek.

Some days, I would rather sleep.
Some days, I would rather lay around and watch TV all day.
Some days, I get ambitious and accomplish all kinds of stuff.

Some days, life feels like one big exasperating kick in the head.

A few days are just right.

The just right days come around once in a while.
Great weather,
great mood,
great energy level,
clear headed,
go
go
go.
But only once in a while.

So, what to do in the meantime?

In order to maximize life's enjoyability I have to work at it.
Imagine that: working to be able to enjoy something.

But that's how it goes.

Happiness takes work.

Satisfaction with life happens deliberately.

Spring is here.
The weather is going to warm up.
Stuff is about to bloom.
The weather is about to be warmly awesome.
Sunshine is coming.

I'd like to maximize my enjoyment of all that Spring-i-ness.
But How?

I'll have to be deliberate.

Watch what I eat.
Avoid foods that make my blood sugar spike.
Avoid crappy food chemicals, additives and fakery.
Eat high energy foods.

Get moving.
Take walks.
Take deep breaths.
Clean the apartment.

Get organized.
File stuff.
Get stuff done.
Clear the clutter.

Unravel the stuff I've been procrastinating about.
Clear my conscience.

Rise from the long, dead winter (Happy Easter).

I'm not always in the mood to do that,
but if I defy my moods,
I have a better chance of enjoying the loveliness of life.

Today, I'll defy my inclination to sit around and instead go spend time with the family.
It's Easter, after all.

*Movement for Motivation*
I was looking for something absurd and funny to show you today,
like maybe something from NATALIEDEE or her husband, Drew, and then I came across this.
Yoga for kids.
I love the kid who says, "Of course you should try yoga...it's good for you...that's it!"
Ha!
Simple.
Thanks, Eli.
click here or click below

guilt pain

The above image was found on the side of David Kreinberg's Mandala Box.

The below is by NATALIE DEE

Speaking of Science and Medicine
I awoke with a new vigor this morning.
I wondered why.
I was just about to give myself credit for having a good attitude when it dawned on me, I was taking my Lodine.

For a while I was not.
My prescription had run out and I was making due with Advil.
I guess it wasn't strong enough.
Lodine or Etodalac
was prescribed for my arthritis (or pre-arthritis or torn meniscus...you pick the diagnosis)
and it works beautifully.
I mean, it's a miracle drug.
It kills menstrual pain.
It kills and actually soothes my knee inflammation.
It continues to work even 12 hours after I've taken it.
It doesn't just block the pain, it actually soothes the source of the pain.

And I feel guilty taking it.

I feel like I'm cheating by taking something that helps me through my day.
I think if I were
thinner,
fitter,
eating better,
exercising more,
then I wouldn't need to take medication.
I'm probably right about that.

But I shouldn't have to suffer in the meantime, right?

Sure, my attitude is my choice, but, in the meantime
why do I put deliberate obstacles in my way to make my life more difficult...like pain?

I know why:
Guilt.
Guilt over feeling better.
Guilt over being dependent on medicine to eliminate pain. Pain that I believe I brought on myself.

Guilt is a powerful drug.
A bad one.
Guilt is I-SHOULD magnified to an extreme that blocks peace of mind.

Without peace of mind there can be no peace of body.

I have to remind myself of that when I'm wasting my energy on guilt.

I have to get the idea that I deserve to suffer OUT of my mind!

I've suffered enough.

I may not feel downright perky today, but I feel so much better having taken my Lodine before bed last night. Let's just say I feel perkiER.

Notice physical pain over the course of your day.
I've noticed it over the course of my day.

See, I don't believe in laziness.
I believe in root causes of things.
Laziness is... what? A feeling like you don't want to do something.
Preferring to take it easy.
Not wanting to exert one's self.

And what comes with laziness?
Guilt.
Of course, guilt!
So the not-feeling-like-it is made worse by feeling BAD about not feeling like it.
Self defeating spiral,
compounded by addictive behavior,
possible binge eating,
more sedentary suffering
and mentally beating one's self up.

How about this as an alternative?
Pay attention to how you feel.
If you're "lazy" ask yourself "why?"

Is it really some character defect called LAZY or is it something else?
Like pain avoidance?
It's normal, natural and smart to avoid pain.

If I'm not feeling up to something it's most likely because SOMETHING HURTS!
If I don't FEEL like cleaning,
working out,
taking a walk,
doing whatever,
it's because I'm avoiding feeling physical or emotional pain.

Maybe that physical or emotional pain is shrouded by guilt or blame or whatever and instead of attending to my pain
by
relieving it,
I beat myself up and sit still to avoid feeling anything at all.

Get rid of the guilt and blame.
Pay attention to what hurts.
Relieve the hurt.

That's my recipe for overcoming laziness.
Add salt to taste.

*Movement for Motivation*
You can't praise the Lord with leaping and dancing (and signing) if you're in pain.
Free yourself up to do what you were created to do: MOVE!
Enjoy these Easter Praise dancers who are also SIGNing!
Awesome.
click here or click below

gah energy

pop tart toon by NATALIEDEE

Energy takes work.
In order for me to have energy I have to spend energy.
Sounds so counterintuitive, I know.
Counter intuitive and annoying.

Winter is hanging on to dear life here in Northern NJ.
I am so ready for Spring.
I need the sun.
I need the warm weather.

So what do I do in the meantime, lay down and die?
And by "die" I mean mope?
Sulk?
Laze about?
Procrastinate?
Be generally miserable??
Do the shivering under-the-covers I-don't-feel-good thing???

Cuz that's what I feel like doing.
Right now, I feel like going back to bed.
I want to snuggle in under the covers with my cats, strap my breathing mask over my face and sleep.
Not because I'm tired.
Because I don't feel like being energetic.

So what do I do?
I blog.
At least that's halfway to energetic.
At least I'm functioning from the nose up and the wrists down.
The rest of the body?
I'm not making any promises.

I just had a nice slice of 12 grain bread and coffee with soy milk.
One slice of bread and I'm done.
I am so grateful for that.
Back in my eating days I would eat until I was sick.
Not just bread, I would most likely slather the bread with peanut butter or mayonnaise and eat half the loaf...or more.
Then, sick to my stomach, I'd go back to bed and pass out from exhaustion.

It takes a lot of energy to digest a binge.

No such hiding out from life for me today.
Well,
no such hiding out by binge eating.
I may sit here for a while after I blog and play Scrabble against the computer for an hour.
Or I could browse bumper stickers on Facebook for an hour...or two.


Moods.
Laziness.
I blame the weather.

But then I think about the kind of weather that would energize me.
A warm sunny Spring day would put me in a hop-skip-and-jump mood.
Fragrant Fall days do that for me too.

So what??
I can't live for the few weeks out of the year when the weather is just right.
If I waited for inspiring weather to get me going, I'd only live for about 1/8 of the year.

If I waited for the right weather, the right mood, the right amount of energy before I did anything, I'd never get anything done.

My life would be so uninspiring, so uninteresting if I lived like that.

Many days I wake up not feeling well.
I'm still recovering from a long list of ailments.
I'm not exactly perky.

I'm in pain (not nearly as bad as I once was) or I feel nauseated or achey or fevery or tired much of the time.

What would my life be like if I gave in to those feelings?
How meaningless and insignificant would my life be if I hid from life because I didn't feel just right?

Having energy takes energy.
But what if I have none to begin with?

Well, I do stuff any way.
Then the momentum gives me energy.
My fascination with whatever I'm doing gives me energy.

All it takes is getting over that first, initial feeling of "not feeling well".
By doing something
the doing-something starts the momentum
and the momentum creates
energy.

It helps to unblock the energy.
Garbage foods and toxins get in the way of energy.
If I feel like crap I know I have to take a look at what I'm putting into my self,
food wise,
media wise,
people wise,
idea wise and then maximize my odds of being energetic by
eating good food,
watching good stuff,
listening to motivating messages,
thinking good thoughts.

"Every thought is a seed.
If you plant crab apples,
don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious."
- Bill Meyer

*Movement for Motivation*
More amazingness from Montclair State students.
Sometimes standing still is an exercise in itself.
Sieck is smart.
He froze with a newspaper in front of him so he'd have something to read while he stood there.
hahahaha
click here or click below

blogging for ever

toons by NATALIEDEE

I'm working on the book (Flexing Possibility) this week and going over my 1000 or so pages of blog posts looking for stuff that I can use.

Funny.

And smart that I wrote down how I felt before, during and after this amazingly liberating gastric bypass surgery. I didn't realize how amazingly liberating it is till I read how horribly oppressed I felt prior to the surgery.

I wrote about being a slave to my angry furnace of a stomach.
I wrote about feeling desperate and hungry all the time.
I wrote about my depression and downright despondency in the months after the operation as I detoxed off of processed crap foods.

Could I have gotten off the processed crap foods without a gastric bypass?
I wonder.

Last night Marni asked me about my sudden interest in the evils of High Fructose Corn Syrup. She said she thought I had already gotten off all of that kind of stuff.

I thought I had eliminated that stuff from my diet, too.
It wasn't until I noticed how crappy I felt after eating too much cereal that I sat up and read the labels.
It wasn't until my sugar spiked at 239 the other day that I wondered where the excess sugar was coming from.

High Fructose Corn Syrup was sneaking its way into me through cereal, coffee drink mixes, granola bars (yep, Nature Valley Granola bars), non-dairy creamer, bread....yes, even high fiber low fat bread.

Evil.
Sneaky and evil.

There's plenty of stuff out there, reliable research, unreliable research, personal testimony, etc. about the evils of High Fructose Corn Syrup.
I'm not here to provide hard science on the subject.

What I AM here to do is provide testimony on MY EXPERIENCE.
When it comes to my own experience
I AM AN EXPERT.
I'm writing to report to anyone who will read regarding my life changes and reactions to doing things like eliminating High Fructose Corn Syrup from my diet.

My experience,
my interpretation of my experiences,
my story
are mine.
No science in the world can refute that.

That's why I blog.

Then I go back and read my own blogs and am reminded of where I've been
how I felt
where I thought I was going
and WOW
it puts my life in perspective...for me.

If you're reading this and it's at all helpful,
insightful,
inspiring, amusing
or beneficial to you in any way,
I'm
happy!
So
very
very
happy.

Much love.

*Movement for Motivation*
Are Montclair State University students just plain awesome or what?!
What some of us call "exercise" others call "fun"!
I remember not being able to move or walk.
I wrote about the triumph of being able to stand while taking a shower.
Someday (soon) I'll be making videos like this...
click here or click below
click here or click below

BONUS POST - The Hijab Challenge at MSU on MTV website!

I'm so proud of the students for putting this together and participating.
Thanks to the MSA (Muslim Student Association) and The Women's Center for creating a memorable event.

I'm in this vid for a few blinks of an eye, too.

click here http://think.mtv.com/044FDFFFF0098A04000170098DC5C/
or click below

corn syrup like Smilex

corn toon by Natalie Dee

"...The body processes the fructose in
high fructose corn syrup
differently than it does old-fashioned
cane or beet sugar,
which in turn alters the way metabolic-regulating
hormones function.
It also forces the liver to kick more fat
out into the bloodstream.

The end result is that our bodies are essentially
tricked into wanting to eat more
and at the same time,
we are storing more fat."
- from The State of ...

No wonder we fail.
We're battling a serious, physical addiction,
a socially approved, culturally sanctioned way of life that's hard to beat.

Do you realize there are people out there who don't think high fructose corn syrup is bad for you??

There are plenty of people who think that if it's approved of by the FDA then it's ok.

I'm plugging away at the book, Flexing Possibility, by re-reading some of my older blog posts.
There was one entry from before the surgery where I said that I ate room temperature pizza and chocolate cake for breakfast.

I can't believe how I used my body like a dumping ground.
My stomach was land fill.
I can picture scavenger birds circling my gut looking for rotting scraps.
Damn, I ate a lot.

I remember how I used to love White Castle.
I would order 10 double cheeseburgers and two with bacon, plus a giant onion rings and a diet soda to wash it all down.
Then, sick to my stomach, I'd stop at Burger King on the way home for a Hershey Pie to try and sweeten my nausea.

For most of my life I blamed myself.
I blamed my weak will.
I told myself that I was a sickly addict, but never looked at the broader picture.
I was so busy beating myself up I didn't look at the multiple contributors to my binge eating disorder.

In my estimation, back then, my morbid obesity was the result of my failure of willpower.
It didn't occur to me to examine the
actual
biological
chemical
forces at work to keep me sick, sedentary and stuffing myself.

I had a behavioral disorder
AND
a physical addiction to corn syrup, corn starch and God knows what other crap.

No wonder people fail.
They attack themselves,
call themselves weak
and never forgive
or understand
or figure out how to defeat the forces conspiring against them.

I wanted to make myself a cup of Chai Latte just now.
The package says SUGAR FREE.
Then I read the label.
It contains CORN SYRUP SOLIDS.

I looked at the SUGAR FREE tin of International Coffee mix to see if it was safe.
Nope.
It contains CORN SYRUP SOLIDS.

It's in everything.

Sure they're "only trace amounts" but it's like the Smilex chemical that the Joker uses in Batman.

"Smilex is distributed both as a gas and in liquid form, mixed as separate components in various beauty and hygiene products which only
takes effect when the victim uses
a number of them in tandem,
thus making the toxin impossible to trace."

Not lethal, fatal or harmful when you eat an 1/8 the a teaspoon of the stuff, but when it's in EVERYTHING you wind up with serious side effects.

Side effects like
obesity,
mushy muscles,
lethargy,
diabetes,
and gobs of other problems
all for the sake of
big business
big profit
and
convenience.

I'd rather not be a victim of someone else's negligence and greed.
I don't want to be a victim of my own habits either.

I'll have some tea with lemon instead.

*Movement for Motivation*
No mushy muscles on Irish dancer, Gillian Norris!
I wonder what she eats?
click here or click below

don't taste that rainbow

Thanks to Gina for her brilliance!
Thanks to Ploy for the bumper sticker!

Circa 1980's

Man discovered a way to mass produce a product they felt was superior to beet and cane sugar. Not superior in nutrition....hell no...this product was easier to mass produce because it could be made in a laboratory and it had a loooong shelf life. This product was High Fructose Corn Syrup. It became a very popular food and beverage additive and as it did American's just happened to grow fatter. In just one generation, obesity rates doubled.

Not many people are aware of the dangers of HFCS.....and this crap is in EVERYTHING!

Some figures purport that it is in 70% of packaged food that's sold! Fast Food is full of it! Diet products are full of it! The scary thing is it changes your brain chemistry...it manipulates your hypothalamus:

You don't feel "full" after eating a product with HFCS...it's a brain thing

But it is just sugar!

Make no mistake: HFCS is entirely manufactured in the laboratory. It is not anywhere chemically near raw sugar, and there's no reason to believe that it's even remotely good for us.

It is a chemical.

The big marketing hot shots are trying to make the American public believe it is good for us. Even your best choice in a whole grain bread may have HFCS in it. Fat free products are pumped full of HFCS to replace the fat, and juice products for children are loaded with it.

A Brief History of HFCS

Pure fructose isn't nearly the same sugar as high fructose corn syrup. In the early 1970's, Japanese researchers discovered this method of converting cornstarch into syrup. Even better, it was cheap enough to draw the attention of the soda manufacturers who ditched using liquid sugar for this revolutionary new sweetener. HFCS was found to extend the shelf-life of foods and could be frozen without breaking down.

Today, it's what makes our pastries so soft and tasty, and you can find it in everything from yogurt to applesauce to cookies to ketchup. It's cheaper than liquid sugar and is often deceptively disguised behind those packaged promises and confusing nutrition labels .

The result: we keep consuming more and more of the stuff while our food manufacturers stay happy—even at the cost of our rising obesity.

In the 1970's, scientists discovered that both fructose and glycerol lowered the rate of fatty acid oxidation in the liver. They found that the presence of fructose and glycerol in the body alerted enzymes to communicate to cells to store fat particles—rather than use them as energy.

That means that HFCS is immediately stored as fat and there is NO INSULIN RESPONSE.....craving something sweet? It is because HFCS does not *register* in the body....the body responds to HFCS differently than it does to straight fructose or even raw sugar . When we eat HFCS, our bodies respond by wanting more of the same....as we continue to store more fat it as fat.

Greg Criser, in his book, Fatland, indicts HFCS as one of a few major players in America's obesity crisis. He reveals how a 1993 London study showed that long-term fructose consumption triggered bad-cholesterol formation, including increased triglycerides, decreased glucose tolerance, and hyperinsulin response in the blood.

HFCS changes your metabolism...it changes your BRAIN CHEMISTRY meaning it changes the way your main computer works...it is like a virus on your hard drive....that bothers me.....because if the Fat Cats at the FDA, AMA, etc can get us to consume a product that changes the way our BRAINS work, what else do they have up their sleeves?

Don't think HFCS effects you? HFCS has been linked to:

bone fragility (osteoporosis?)

anemia

defects of the connective tissue (lupus? arthritis? etc?)

defects of arteries (arteriosclerosis?)

defects of bone

infertility

heart arrhythmias

high cholesterol levels

heart attacks

diabetes

Alzheimer's

migraines

( Why doesn't the FDA approve stevia as a sweetener? Why is the FDA allowing the American public to be poisoned with HFCS? Did you know that American foods are primarily the only foods being prepared with HFCS?)

The above was written by a wonderful friend whom I met on My Space (that other social utility) and who writes some excellent blogs! She's a fitness trainer, a mom, and an activist for health. Thank you, Gina. You just helped us all to get smarter and healthier!

Yesterday, I bought a nice box of cereal. It contains NO HFCS!
I bought it from that little section of my local Stop and Shop that has some all natural foods, a few Newman's Own cookies, some soy milk, a few items for vegetarians, not much to speak of.
Just a little nod to those of us who wised up to the mass produced poison they're peddling freely in the rest of the supermarket.

Now, here's what I don't want to hear from anyone: "yeah, but there's still sugar in that healthy cereal and sugar is sugar no matter what!"

To you I say: Oh, shut up, will ya!
You can't read about high fructose corn syrup and tell me that sugar is sugar.
Sugar, real natural sugar, is a food that the body recognizes.
Our bodies know what to do with it.
Digest it, use it, burn it.

HFCS?
High fructose corn syrup?
It's a chemical.
The body goes haywire on it.
Kids get fidgety and hyper.
Adults get fat and sedentary.
That's what our bodies do in reaction to this poisonous chemical.
It's addictive and harmful.

Don't take my word for it.
If you're eating this crap try going off of it and see what happens.
Can you?

If you have uncontrollable cravings for stuff that contains HFCS ask yourself why.
Could it be a physical addiction??

I'm giving it up.
No longer allowing it to sneak into my body because I was too lazy to read a label.

I'm interested to see how different I feel without it.

Does this mean I'm giving up sugar?
No.
Of course not.

It blows my mind when folks go on a diet and tell me they're avoiding fruit because of all the sugar.
Just once, just ONCE can I respond by saying: that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Can I say that, please??

The corporate powers that be convince us that
carbs are bad,
sugar is bad,
and then sell us diet foods full of high fructose corn syrup.
They are not to be trusted.
They are in business.
They are in the business of making TONS of money.
Keeping ourselves healthy and informed is OUR job, not theirs.

Sugar, real naturally occurring sugar, is not the enemy.
How about some nice cereal sweetened with actual cane juice or beet juice or honey?
Is it just as bad as something sweetened with HFCS??

I found a video from a morning news show where Satan's concubine...no really...she MUST be Satan's lover to be doing what she's doing.
She tells the audience that High Fructose Corn Syrup isn't really bad for you. It's only bad if you drink too much of it, like in soda (click here to see Satan's bee-otch lying to the public).

Oh, wow.
So I guess by that line of thinking, all poison is 'ok' once in a while just don't overdo it, right?
So I guess Skittles are ok as a once in a while snack food.

So the message is
Skittles in moderation.
But I don't see folks eating Skittles in moderation.
They eat Skittles every day.

Back in my eating days I ate all kinds of crap.
I ate it automatically.
Sitting at the computer, playing games or doing whatever, mindlessly putting crap food into my mouth.
Sometimes, I'd smoke.

Poison poison poison.

These poisons are habit forming.
Look at what I had to go through to get off the poison!

It's serious.
Serious addiction with serious consequences.

Don't suffer the way I did.
Read labels.
Rebel.

Sure, I know how clever and awesome the Skittles commercials are.
The guy who touches things that turn to Skittles (click here).
The guy who looks like a pinata who says he has to buy his Skittles from downstairs just like every one else (click here).
I mean they are just so cutting edge clever.
I love them.
They're morbid and weird and just cool.
I love the girl who holds out the stapler with her hand underneath it to catch the Skittles and just starts eating them almost oblivious to the poor guy's pain.

Yeah, funny and cool but the product they're selling is evil.

Don't get sucked in by the coolness of Madison Avenue's geniuses.
Laugh at the Skittles commercial
then go eat a piece of fruit.

You'll feel better.
I promise.

*Movement for Motivation*
It's funny.
It gets it point across.
I'm going to take that point!!!
No more HFCS!

skin knee

Time for the Spring Thaw.
Everything comes back to life.
Everything thaws out after a cold, bitter winter, including my attitude.

I hope that along with this new beginning of the season comes the new beginning of my campus career.
I don't want to hope too hard just in case things don't work out.
But then again
you can't put a cage around hope.
Hope is wild.

My hope is out of control.

I'd rather hope HARD and suffer disappointment
rather than play it safe and have a "meh" attitude toward life.
Better to feel things deeply, extremely, painfully even.

I'd rather play hard than safe any day.

If life were easy, everyone would do it.
Sure, some people are breathing,
they have a pulse, but they aren't really living.

Fear keeps people sick or safe or both.
Life can seem like a playground full of bullies,
intimidating,
crowded,
unsafe,
uncertain,
scary
and then we get pushed to the macadam and skin our knee.
Nothing hurts worse.

Lucky for me, I've been bullied
beaten,
scared,
and fell so often my knees are discolored with scars.

I don't need to play it safe.
What's the worse that can happen?
Skin BOTH knees?

I'm going out into the world to be vulnerable.
I may fall and hurt myself
but at least I'll enjoy the sunshine.

*Movement for Motivation*
Go outside.
Get some air.
You'll feel better.
I know you're at work.
Hey, if smokers can go outside for a puff, non-smokers can go outside for a quick walk around our building, or parking lot or just to breathe and stretch.
Just do it.

239

"Better keep yourself clean and bright;
you are the window
through which you must
see the world."
- George Bernard Shaw

Remind me to squeegee my third eye clean one of these days.
In the meantime, let me work on my mind.

I was refilling my vitamin/med dispenser today and noticed the blood sugar monitor lying next to it looking forlorn and forgotten. Out of curiosity, I checked my blood sugar, just to reassure myself that I was no longer diabetic.

No such reassurance.
My sugar was a high 239 this morning.
Not good.

Does this mean that I'm still diabetic?
Sorta
kinda
yeah.

Does this mean I'll have to go back on insulin and pills?
No.
Not
at
all.

I just need to do a little tweaking.
I guess I've lapsed over the past few months.
No biggie.
I can fix it.

First, the Number One enemy of me and my fellow Americans: High Fructose Corn Syrup.
It's evil.
It's sneaky.
It's in everything.
Time to start reading labels and avoiding it.

Staying away from High Fructose Corn Sweetener is annoying and kinda expensive.
I was in The Dollar Tree yesterday and there was a huge display of brand name cereal, Chocolate Chex, Cranberry Total and Whole Grain Cheerios. Imagine buying a box of name brand cereal for only a dollar!!
I wanted to stock up.
I could feed myself for weeks on that stuff!
But I read the labels.
They all contained corn syrup.

Eating corn syrup turns the body to mush.
It makes gaining weight inevitable.
It causes insulin problems, depression, obesity, hunger, cravings, yeast imbalances, infection, binge eating, blood sugar spikes and crashes, vitamin deficiency....just do some research.
Corn syrup is actually an appetite enhancer.
Yep.
Eating corn syrup makes you more hungry.

It's gross.

I am going to avoid corn syrup.

The other enemy is white flour.
Bleached white flour
is the enemy of health.

Refined white sugar and refined white flour = bad.

Don't take my word for it.
Do your own research.

It's a shame because pasta is cheap, easy, filling, low fat and abundant.

But my sugar reading this morning is telling me something different.
It's telling me the HIGH COST of eating CHEAP FOOD.
The cost is my very life.
Health trumps cheap-easy-meals any day.
For real.

I'm going to be more careful.

Does it mean I have to stop snacking??
No.
I just need to snack better.
No more cereal with FIBER in the title or OATS in the title but CORN SYRUP as one of the first ingredients.

Does this mean I'll have to stop eating carbs??
No.
Just gotta watch out for pasta made of bleached, enriched flour.
Whole grains are better than refined, bleached flour.
Whole grains have more nutrients, take longer to digest, provide fiber, have a lower glycemic index,
and take more chewing thereby providing more eating satisfaction!

Eating better means feeling better.

I'll pay closer attention to what I eat.

So should you.
Don't be a slave to the corn conspiracy.
Put down the Skittles.
Eat an apple instead.

Skittles
Ingredients:
sugar,
corn syrup,
hydrogenated palm kernel oil,
apple juice from concentrate, less than 2% - citric acid, dextrin, natural and artificial flavors, gelatin, food starch-modified, coloring (includes Yellow 6 lake, Red 40 lake, Yellow 5 lake, Blue 2 lake, Blue 1 lake, Yellow 5, Red 40, Yellow 6, Blue 1), ascorbic acid (Vitamin C).

*Movement for Motivation*
Our foods are making us fat and stupid.
The food we eat makes us lazy and mushy.
Let's not eat like that any more.
Let's eat REAL food that makes us smart and healthy.
Let's.

weak week

They'll be making a decision about the position I interviewed for by the end of the week.
This could be the longest week of my life.

I'm looking forward to an upgrade in my lifestyle.

Having money will change my life for the better.

No, money can't buy happiness,
but it can buy
higher quality foods,
a water filter for my kitchen sink so I can stop drinking the chlorinated crap that comes out of the tap,
a comfortable, supportive computer chair,
new eye glasses,
a nice car,
pretty stuff for my new office,
high quality vitamins,
dental work,
medical care,
pay off debt,
pay bills on time,
comfort,
security.

My friends are assuring me that I'm the best person for the job.
They're telling me not to worry about my energy level once I start working full time, that energy is a function of momentum.
They're reassuring me that I'll make time for campus life and I won't miss out on quality time with the students.

I'm ready.

Ready for good news!

My life will change drastically.
It will be alllllll good.

Anibundel.....your wish is my command.
I AM working on the book this week.
If I bang it out, every day, I can get it done by Friday.
I'll be working with my colleague all week on campus.

It will be somber on campus without the students around (it's Spring Break).
But immersing myself in writing should make the week go by fast.

Hear that, week??
Go
by
fast!!

*Movement for Motivation*
Mega Ultra Hyper Doom??
I'm glad the weather is warming up.
It's safer to walk outdoors.

but relief

Muslim Student Association of MSU hosted a Hijab Challenge co-sponsored by The Women's Center and Equity & Diversity Programs.
(Director Esmilda Abreu and I tend to coincidentally color coordinate on days that we'll be seeing each other! We do it so often we're not even surprised any longer.)

Will I be completely happy once I have my body lift surgery?
No.
At least I hope not.
I don't ever want to be completely happy.
Dissatisfaction breeds achievement.
If I'm ever completely happy with "what is" I won't work to change anything.
That goes for my body as well as the world.

I used to envy the kind of nirvanic enlightenment that could look at the world and say, "all is as it should be".
But I look at the world and I see too much injustice, too much suffering.
I might say "all is as it should be" in my trusting of God's divine plan but I'll always add the caveat "for now."
All is as it should be FOR NOW.
Affecting change in the world is one of the great functions of human activity and of human being itself.
Becoming.
Changing.
Learning.

Not that I'm equating work for social justice with my desire to have cosmetic/reconstructive surgery.
Doing that for myself is a different kind of justice.
Some might call it vanity.
I'll call it 'better living through modern medicine'.

Am I clear that I want to go through with it?
Yep.
100% clear.
I may bitch, whine and complain about the pain.
I might moan and groan about the recovery time.
I may dab the sweat off my forehead over the cost.
But it will be so worth it.

I don't expect it to make me completely happy.

I recently threw away my computer chair.
I had fat-assed-sat on it for so many years there was no more cushioning left.
It was vinyl stretched over metal.
My right butt cheek, right up against the bone, was so irritated and inflamed, I could no longer stand the pain.
In a broke-the-camel's-back fit of pique I dragged the painful chair to the dumpster and left it for dead.

It was a great relief.
I'm now sitting on a cheap little computer chair that I got from Job Lot Push Cart a few years ago. It's not a high quality chair but it isn't horribly uncomfortable. It will do, for now. It's much more comfortable than the chair that was breaking my butt.

My point is that my less-sore buttock doesn't make me completely happy.
It makes me more comfortable.
It is less distracting.
It allows me to do my work at the computer with much less pain.

That's all I'm expecting from the body lift surgery.
Less pain.
More comfort.
More confidence.
Relief.

Building my body will be up to me.
Gaining strength and agility is my task.
The surgery can't do that for me.
All it can do is get the flapping, sagging skin out of the way.
Maybe defy some gravity for me.
The strength and flexibility is still something I'll have to work for.

It will be hard.
But most things worth having require sacrifice, hard work and commitment.
I'm willing to tough it out.

*Movement for Motivation*
Japanese yoga.
My favorite part is the Laughing Practice.
Notice the little lady in white and how she laughs with abandon.
Adorable!!

Yesterday's activity: One hour of kickboxing with the Ploy Toys and Boys(with a wonderfully distracting hair-show going on in front of me that made the whole endeavor hurt a lot less) and 30 minutes of killer abs!

the why nip/tuck

Yesterday at a forum on Muslim Women who wear the Hijab,
someone remarked that veiling made her feel more beautiful.
With only her face showing and her body covered modestly she could be more herself.

Then she said something about how awful it is that some women undergo painful cosmetic surgery so they'll be more pleasing to men when women should feel they're beautiful just the way they are.

She may have been referring to breast implants or vagina-tightening.
Who knows?
She didn't specify.

I felt a little guilty.
It made me think of my own desire to nip, tuck and tighten myself (hopefully soon).
But SHOULDn't I feel ok with myself just the way I am?

I don't know.
I don't know from 'shoulds'.

I want to correct the damage I've done to myself.
I want to feel pretty.
I'd like to wear jeans.

I guess I could talk myself into believing that I'm fine just as I am.
Maybe I am just fine.
The thing is...I don't FEEL fine just the way I am.

I can either work on my self perception or get a body-lift.

Or both.
I believe we always have options.

The option I have my heart set on is the nip/tuck option.
The body lift.
Possible face lift, too.

I'm deflating.
I've worked hard on myself.
I've worked hard to change my habits and maintain those changes.
I deserve the freedom of a smoothed out body.

Do you know how awful it feels to try and get into Child's Pose in yoga and not be able to get my butt to touch the backs of my feet because my pannus is in the way??
How hard it is to breathe deeply with these pendulous breasts?

I don't want to look sad and saggy.

But all the same, I feel a little guilty.
I feel like I'm buying into the commercial beauty standard that is so unfair to
real
live
women.

Although I feel conflicted about my motives for wanting cosmetic surgery,
I'm SURE that I want it to happen.

I'll figure out my "why" later.

*Movement for Motivation*
One of my students told me she is a Praise Dancer.
I looked up Praise Dancing on YouTube and found some beautiful stuff.
I'm looking at this woman of size who begins the dance and have no problem finding her beautiful.
Would anyone call her body too-big to praise the Lord??
Spirit filled bodies are beautiful no matter what size.

fixing the "ewww"

"If you want to solve a problem, work on yourself."
- Haleakala Hew Len

A former student put a caption under one of her pictures on Facebook that says, "Ew, I'm fat."

It wasn't a one-time thing.
She untagged a picture of her that I had on my profile stating that she looked "huuuuuge".

She's not fat.
And even if she was, why the "ew"?

Of course, I'm concerned.
Skewed body image can lead to eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression, severe body dysmorphism and a diminished quality of life.

"I realize that you are coming to me to give me a chance to look at what's going on in me."
- Haleakala

But I can't fix her.
I can't reach inside her head and fix her self-perception.
I could tell her she's beautiful till I'm blue in the face and it won't penetrate her psyche.

So, what do I do?
Do I give up??

No.
I don't give up.
I fix myself.

In fixing myself, I fix her.

Karmically I've always known this to be true.
I've always known that I can't help others till I've helped myself.
We put the oxygen masks on ourselves first and THEN put them on the child sitting next to us on the airplane.

What surprised me yesterday was finding out there are healers who are actually teaching this concept.

"If you want to solve a problem, work on yourself. If the problem is with another person, for example, just ask yourself, "What's going on in me that's causing this person to bug me?" People only show up in your life to bug you! If you know that, you can elevate any situation, and you can release there. It's simple: "I'm sorry for whatever's going on. Please forgive me."
- Haleakala

The concept is called Ho’oponopono
It embraces the spiritual truth that "When we are willing to take responsibility and let go, what is right and perfect unfolds. "

Fix ourselves in order to fix others.
Deal with our own issues as a way to help others deal with theirs.

I won't be able to convey to that student how lovely, worthy and wonderful she is in the body she has right now until I can believe that about myself.

If I truly desire to help her, I have to help me.

I've always believed that GENUINE healers,
REAL helpers
are the ones who are willing to work on themselves and not simply talk about a strategy.

I've got work to do.

*Movement for Motivation*
Establish ease before adding new poses.
Ease.
Ease isn't something that's talked about in the same sentence as "losing weight" or "getting in shape"
Then we wonder why some folks are intimidated by movement.
This video is great.
The sound of the ocean totally drowns out what the instructor is saying, as if the ocean's beating against the shore is more important....and it is.
In and out like the breath.
Namaste.

ask a busy bee

I dicked around on Facebook for a couple of hours this morning.
Bumper Stickers, man.
Gotta love 'em.
(a big THANK YOU to Ploy for the one on today's blog :-)

Pretty soon, hopefully, I'll have demands on my time.
No more Facebooking.
Or at least a lot less.
I'll be up at 5am every day (I love morning time) so I can be in the office by 8:30am.
Then I'll be working till 4:30pm.

Wow.
Work really puts a dent in your day, huh.

I'm worried that I won't have any energy for campus life.
Campus life is very important to me.
That's what makes working at university so fulfilling.
The folks.

But then again.
Busy people have the most energy.
The saying goes, "If you want something done, ask a busy person."

Maybe having a structure to my day will GIVE me the energy to do stuff.
Momentum.
I'll be on a roll and won't want to go home right away.

I hope.
I hope.
I hope.

Yesterday, the Ploy T0ys (plus special observatory guest, Frank and possible new Ploy Toy, Jackie) and I did Butts and Guts with Group X Fitness over at Kops Lounge (downstairs in Russ).

It's what some folks might call a 'light' workout but it works so well for me.
A little cardio.
Some stretching.
Some abs work.
Floor work.
The dreaded planks.

While we were doing the dreaded planks I thought about my future body-lift surgery.
Do that plank, I told myself.
The longer you hold that plank (and I do hold them for the full 30 seconds)
the stronger your muscles will be.
The stronger you are, the easier you'll heal.

I know the achy
weak
tender
sad
immobile
feeling
of post-op abdominal surgery.
I know it's coming (I'm guesstimating around the holidays)
soon.

I know how rough the recovery is from body lift surgery.
They'll cut me like a giant smile from hip to hip,
slice off the unwanted meat,
actually create a new belly button,
sew me up....
and that's just the abs.
I'm not even going to wonder about the breasts.

Ouch.

But the tougher I am.
The fitter I am.
The stronger I am,
the less difficult the recovery will be.

And speaking of movement for Women of Size,
the great Rochelle Rice wrote to me!!!
She's wonderful!
Friendly!
Totally relatable!

A real gem.

I'm considering getting her to speak at Montclair State University.
Check out her website (click here).
She's fascinating.
And committed.
With great compassion for women in the getting-fit stage of their lives.

Hey, like me!

*Movement for Motivation*
Encore video from Rochelle Rice!

Yesterday's Activity: one hour Butts and Guts!

They were lovely people.
And when I say "they" I mean I met the whole crew.
I think it's great that a department lets it's employees evaluate prospects as potential co-workers.
I hope I made a good impression as someone who is truly a team player.

I try very hard to be easy to work with.
I hope that came across.

Life will be very different if I get hired.
This is truly a full work day, get to the office in the morning, don't leave till dinner time job.
I'll be giving up my freedom in exchange for structure.
I'll be part of a department with a mission, deadlines, projects that I would work in the service of.
That's very different than being the loose cannon I've been for the past 6 years.

I'm scared, but looking forward to the change and also freaked out that there are 3 other candidates interviewing for the same position!
I'm worried about change when I don't even know if I have the job!

I think today went well.
They laughed and seemed very genuine.
Those are good signs.

day before the interview

Tomorrow's a big day.
The in-person interview.
That means today I'm preparing.
Getting a portfolio together.
Researching interview questions and answers.
Reading articles from the professional journal of the field for which I'll be interviewing.
Jittering.
Staring into space.
Being nervous.
Plotzing.

I need to put myself in THEIR place.
Have empathy.
What are THEY looking for?
If I were them, what would I want to know about a candidate?
What would they want to know, feel, see about a potential co-worker?
subordinate?
ally?
team member?

And how to convey it all in a short amount of time.

Sell myself without appearing arrogant.

Yet appear confident.

Be likable.

I hope I can pull it off.

*Movement for Motivation*
Stronger seniors?
AND stronger everyone else!
Thanks Anne Pringle!!

did

I didn't blog first thing this morning because my right hand and forearm were numb, tingly and achy.
That's been unofficially diagnosed as "diabetic neuropathy". Even though my sugar is almost normal I guess the damage has been done.

I've treated my body like a rental car for too many years.
Now, turns out, I own it.
Time to take it to the body shop.

I'm sitting here with hair color on my head, part of my look-good-for-the-interview routine.

Even doing my laundry yesterday was part of it.

The new mattress (don't know what brand it is, nothing special, just clean and new :-)
feels like part of it.

Doing what I didn't feel like doing yesterday was part of it.

12 loads of laundry.

It wasn't as horrible, boring or painful as it could have been.
Darren was with me at the laundromat studying for his physiology exam.
We figured, why do things we don't want to do alone when we could keep each other company?

If studying was kind of a drag
and doing laundry was definitely a drag, would putting it off make it any less of a drag?
We know that you don't teach people to be motivated then go and live a miserable, unintentional life where nothing gets done.
That would be inauthentic.
We're not hypocrites.
We believe what we say at Motivation Station.

So we toughed it out.

We kept each other's spirits up.
He taught me physiology while the dryers spun
then helped me carry in the body bags full of clean bedding and clothes.

Our reward?
We got to end our day saying
"Glad I did" instead of
"Wish I had."

Then I slept on my clean, freshly made, sweet-smelling bed.

*Movement for Motivation*
Dance all the way to your fingertips.
Make beautiful shapes!!

get bed

That's my Bosie Zeek, my Bumble Bee!!!!!
And me at Motivation Station.

I have good eyebrows.
See?
I'm getting better.
I didn't immediately focus on my neck, chin, giant forehead....

Today I'm giving a talk on eating disorders and recovery.
I'm not an expert.
Or maybe I am.

Dave says that anytime someone talks about their struggles and what they're going through in life there will always be someone who can relate.
Or be inspired.
Or something like that.

I guess I AM an expert on my own experience.
No one else can talk about that.
It's ok to leave it up to my audience to make their own meaning out of whatever I say.

Today, I'm having a brand new mattress delivered.
That's big.

I've been sleeping on the mysterious mattress of stink for months.
The stinky bed was really depressing me.
I fought long and hard but the stink would not go away.
I even poured Clorox directly onto the mattress.
All that did was make it smell like something-dead plus bleach.

God only knows what kind of toxins poured out of me into that mattress over the past year and a half to stink it up so badly.

What a relief it will be to get rid of it.
Like getting rid of an old part of my life.
140 pounds of fat lost and a toxic stink gone forever!

Just in time for Spring.

*Movement for Motivation*
I haven't tried pilates.
But you know I will!!
The instructor says, "Keep your eyes on the prize and your prize is a flat belly."
Geesh.
How about strength,
agility,
flexibility,
improved circulation,
feeling good!!
click here or click below

improving

Me performing my original poem, NO FAT CHICKS, for the MSU Women's Center 35th Anniversary celebration.

Here's why I titled this blog "improving"...
I actually like that picture of me.

That's major progress for me.
No small irony that Body Acceptance is one of the themes of the Women's Center contribution to Women's History Month.

I'm looking at that pic and noticing a waist!!
See how my torso has an hourglass kinda shape to it?

That thrills me.
Even the outline of my smiling pannus isn't bothering me much in this pic.
It's ok.
That's how I 'm shaped right now.

Don't wanna touch me because of how I'm shaped??
You're not invited to, anyway.
So there.

Now I could go on a rant about how being attracted to someone because of their looks is shallow and immature, but I'm guilty of it.
I'm guilty of being attracted to certain people based on their looks without yet knowing their personality.
Granted, guys who look like this:
don't interest me.
And I say that like that makes me morally superior or something.
The fact that I'm attracted to folks who do NOT fit society's red carpet beauty standards doesn't make me more open minded, does it?

If I find someone attractive without ever hearing them open their mouth to speak, I think that I'm just as bad as someone who says, "NO way, too saggy" or "Nah, did you see the size of his a**!"

Just because I won't dismiss someone because they don't look like fashion model doesn't make me more accepting.
It just means I have a broader range of taste.

I don't know, I'm a little torn on this one.

Maybe when we look at people we do see more than just a face and body.
Maybe we're attracted to their aura or the way they move.
Maybe we sense their energy.

Maybe it's not so terribly shallow to see someone and think they're
hot
gorgeous
stunning
striking
beautiful
without actually knowing WHO they are.

Maybe someone's looks represent another dimension of their personality.

If that's the case, then there's hope for me.
Hope that WHO I am comes through no matter what shape I'm in
and
hope that I'm more intuitive than I give myself credit for when I see a certain someone and think they're
absolutely
gorgeous
even though they'd
never
be
asked to
pose for
Abercrombie.

*Movement for Motivation*
Looking hot isn't the only, or most important,
benefit of working out.
Be strong!
click here or click below

plump and happy

Sometimes I still expect food to be the cure-all.
You know what they say about old habits.

When I'm tired, I still want to eat.
When I'm anxious, I still want to anchor myself with a full stomach.
When I'm feeling nauseated, I crave something cold and sweet.
When I have a head ache, I want to soothe the pain with a heavy meal.

But food doesn't work that way for me any more.
Eating when I'm not hungry tends to make me feel sick.
I'm not able to eat heavily enough to feel weighted down, so I'm forced to deal with anxiety differently.
Eating something cold and sweet doesn't soothe my queasy stomach, it makes it worse.
If I'm tired, I have to rest in order to feel better.

The surgery has forced me to deal with myself rather than postpone my feelings with overeating.

I don't know if I'll ever change my feelings about what food represents.
Food is love.
Food is caring.
Feeding people means I love them.
Being fed means I'm loved.

Maybe that's not a bad thing as long as the food is "good".

Yesterday at the Women's Center 35th Anniversary they had lots of left over food, specifically cake.
Their refrigerator wouldn't hold all that extra food.
I wanted it.
I can't eat it...and when I say I "can't" I don't mean I-can't-eat-it-I'm-on-a-diet, I mean I will get really sick to my stomach if I try...so I couldn't take it for myself.

Taking it home wouldn't make sense since my friends aren't big on sweets and it would go to waste.

But the surplus cake was maddening.
I HAD to feed it to someone.

I made a nice, big plate of pastries, cake and cupcakes and delivered it to my Ploy Toys.
Yes, the students with whom I work out.
The students who are my allies in fitness.
I did a bad thing. I fed them sugar.

I fed them sugar because I love them.
Because stuffing them full of swirly icing made me feel maternal.
Because imagining them tucked into their dorm rooms on a cold rainy day with bellies full of sweet cake made me feel like I had taken care of them.
I imagined them
Safe.
Fed.
Loved.
Plump and happy.

The way Cartman's mom on South Park over stuffs her son and calls him "Mommy's little piggy".

I hope they forgive me.

*Movement for Motivation*
Japan is good for you.
Yoga is good for you.
Enjoy yoga from Japanese TV.
Click here or click below

life misses

Women’s History Month 2008:

(In)secure Bodies:

Gender, Sexuality, and Body Politics

Flagraising Ceremony*

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

12:00 PM
,SC Flagpole

*(in the case of inclement weather, join us in SC Ballroom C)

 Women’s Center 35th Anniversary Reception

Following the flagraising, SC Ballroom C

With Remarks from Dr. Joan Ficke, 

Vice Provost for Academic Affairs and former Women’s Center Director

Spoken word and light refreshments

The Women’s Center at 
Montclair State University, www.montclair.edu/womenscenter, 973-655-5114
and the Women’s Studies Program, www.montclair.edu/womensstudies

Today I'll be performing my original poetry at the (above) Women's Center event.

Yesterday I spoke in a class on Personal Health Issues. I told my weight loss surgery story.

Tomorrow I teach 2 classes.

I guess it's safe to say I'm comfortable in front of an audience.
For someone who's so terribly self-conscious and insecure,
you'd think it would be more difficult for me to be the center of attention.

And yet I'm not so much worried about what they see when I'm in front of the room.
I'm more concerned with presenting something of quality,
holding their attention with something that can enrich their lives.
I become less focused on my appearance and more focused on the needs of the room.

So, I guess the only way to get free from myself is to put myself "out there".

That's why I do it.
That's why I make these commitments to speak.
And teach.
And run workshops.

The challenge and the freedom.
The transference of energy between me and my audience and vice versa.

It's good to make demands on my potential by throwing myself into uncomfortable situations
or demanding situations
or challenging tasks.

sigh

But that's not what's really on my mind.
What's really on my mind is
that my ex-boyfriend's mother passed away the same day my dad had his pacemaker put in.
This is the ex-boyfriend I had for 8 years, whose family stayed in touch with my family, whose mother and mine went to lunch together and talked on the phone, right up until the day she passed away.
The ex-boyfriend who married the prissy woman of his dreams who dragged him out of state and frowns upon him keeping in touch with his NJ friends.
The ex-boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry someday
and at his mother's memorial service on Sunday (ex-boyfriend didn't attend) I looked around at the family that was supposed to be MY family and mourned the loss of the woman who was supposed to be MY mother-in-law.

My mother and I went to the memorial brunch at the same house I used to visit for holidays and dinners and to listen to music in my boyfriend's room (he was an audiophile).
My mother and I put our coats on the bed in the bedroom my ex-boyfriend's when he lived home.
His Marilyn Monroe poster was still on the ceiling.
I selfishly cried in the bathroom over the loss of a life I'll never know,
a family that isn't mine,
the boyfriend who moved away instead of waiting for me to get my sh*t together and decide we should make a life together.

But things must have turned out for the best, right?

He and I were comfortable together.
Not the loves of each others lives, but friends.
It would have been a safe marriage between us.
Un-challenging.
Who knows if I would have ever taken charge of my life, my health, my future had I ended up with him.

I'm sad that his mother's dead.
I'm sad that I may never have the need to see his family ever again or set foot inside that house.
Who knows if I'll ever see the ex-boyfriend himself?

Perhaps being alone (single) has made me stronger.
Perhaps having to find my way alone in the world was the demand on my potential my karma needed
so that I could be fulfilled and truly happy.

*Movement for Motivation*
Well, this is one of the hottest things ever.
Notice the way she isolates the different regions of her torso,
shoulders, chest, abs and hips.
You need to be curvy to do belly dancing properly.
No size 0 skinny Paris Hilton type could pull this off.
click here or click below

Yesterday's Activity: One hour of butts and guts with the whole Ploy posse (well, almost whole).

bloomin' aches

I used to exercise with an end in sight.
No, the end wasn't a strong, lean, healthy body.
The end was never having to exercise again.

I used to look at exercise as a means to an end.
Burn off fat - get lean - earn the right to take it easy.

Now I see a different end.
Now I see that exercise is something healthy people do.
It's not just for weight loss, it's for life.

It's exertion, but an exertion that I no longer dread.
Um...er...or dread less than I once did.

I'm getting there.

I'm getting to the point where moving, sweating, using my body is more of a pleasure rather than a chore.

For the past couple of weeks I've been in pain.
Back,
Neck,
Knees,
Ankles.

Why have I been avoiding the chiropractor?

Subluxations cause unnecessary pain.
Why am I suffering?
Why have I been putting off feeling better??

I guess I'm still learning how to make my own health and well-being a priority in my life.
I'm still learning that pain isn't what I deserve for being overweight.

I need to change the mindset that pain = character building.
Being kind to myself, selfcare = character building.

I don't want to go from being hard on myself with self-destructive activities (or non-activity)
to being hard on myself with positive activities.

I want to take care of myself and be ok with that care.
I want to learn how to be at peace.
I want to be comfortable with being content.

Spring is coming.
Today will reach 55 degrees here in Northern NJ.
I don't want to limp into Spring, creaking and aching as I go.
I'd rather bloom.

*Movement for Motivation*
Wow, this girl is flexible!
She's a dancer.
I'd like to dance.
But first, some stretches!
I may not get as far as she gets, but I have to start somewhere, right?
click here or click below

more free

Inside the Shubert theatre by a really old mirror.

Kelly McGinniss at The Mirror Project in the Student Center ballrooms.

Kelly reading Emma Wheeler Wilcox's 'Arise' for Affirmative Action Day at Kasser Theatre with Assemblywoman Oliver.

Marni and I in Shubert Alley with the poster for Legally Blond.

Lots to do this week.
I've made it to Round 2!!
The in-person interview.

Need a manicure,
a business suit,
shoes,
and a clue!!

When you want something badly enough you'll do whatever it takes without prompting, without needing 'motivation' and without it feeling like a chore.

It will be exhilarating to look up information on the position I'm interviewing for.
It will be filfilling to prepare myself for Monday (not tomorrow, but next).

I want it that bad.
Bad enough to work for it.
Bad enough that it won't feel like work.

That's the beauty of finding your passion.
Once you find it, life becomes an adventure rather than drudgery.
A job becomes a vocation, a calling, rather than work.

Yesterday it was a pleasure to climb 3 flights of stairs to the balcony at the Shubert Theatre in NY. Maybe climbing stairs is a hassle for some people.
For me it was a blessing.

My knees and ankles hurt a bit, more because of the soreness from kickboxing rather than the exertion of stair-climbing.
But I DID think of being 100 pounds less than I am right now.
I imagined running up those stairs.
I imagined being light, muscular and freeeeeeeeeeee!!

When we sat in our seats,
I noticed that I fit in the seat.
I fit comfortably.
I felt so normal,
but a normal that I worked for, not a normal that I take for granted.

It's the working-for-it that makes it so fulfilling.

When I was 22 years old, I fit in seats.
I carried giant syrup cylinders up the stairs at my movie theatre job.
I was able to lift, trot, bend and stand for hours.

I didn't appreciate it.
My depression weighed on me as if I weighed 150 pounds more than I did.
Life was a chore.
I was unhappy.
Not free.

Bouncing back from morbid obesity and depression makes getting back to my 'fighting' weight something I can cherish.
I appreciate being able to stand on lines.
I appreciate being able to climb stairs.
I appreciate the way my butt fits in a theatre seat.

I appreciate becoming more and more free.

*Movement for Motivation*
This is the body I want.
Not too, too skinny.
Not plump, but still fleshy.
Womanish.
Curvy
and just right!
Belly dancing is a great way to work every part of your body.
Click here or click below

scars and lessons

“Nobody can go back and
start a new beginning,
but anyone can start today
and make a new ending.”
- Maria Robinson quotes

I look at my body and imagine the nausea, pain and immobility I'll have to suffer through after multiple reconstructive surgeries.
I know it will be difficult, but worth it.

If only I could have taken care of myself from the beginning instead of doing damage control now.
If only I could turn back time and fix things.

But that's not how life works.

The next year or so will be about fixing a lifetime's worth of damage.

It's important for me to suffer through the changes.
All this time spent suffering from my own self-neglect will not be as karmically corrective as it will be recovering from the plastic surgeries.

I feel it's necessary to cocoon myself in a painful, recuperative hibernation so I can be born again.
Like hitting the refresh button.
Restart.
Do over.

There will be scars.

I'll be ok with the scars.
I never want to forget how I hurt myself or allowed myself to be hurt by others.
I never want to forget that I spent so many years doing things in a half-assed, self-neglectful, cowering way.

I can't go back in time and stick up for myself against the abusers.
I can't go back in time and get off the sugar and white flour.
I can't go back in time and make myself exercise.

But I CAN rebuild myself in the now.
I will rebuild.

The scars will remind me where I've been.
They'll remind me to never let it happen again.

Today, Marni and I are going into NYC to see Spamalot!!
She gave me this outing for my birthday.

The old me would have dreaded this day.
Dreaded walking in the city.
Dreaded the physical effort.

Not anymore.

Today I will enjoy myself.
I'll walk.
I'll be happy.
I will be thankful that I worked hard to lose a whole person's worth of weight.

I'll be thankful that I learned my lessons.

*Movement for Motivation*
I'm not here yet.
I'm not yet able to stand on one foot.
Operative word: YET.
Practice will get me there.
In the meantime, I can do these while holding onto something for balance!