on my feet

Superman's not brave.
You can't be brave if you're indestructible.
It's every day people, like you and me,
that are brave knowing we could easily be defeated
but still continue forward.
~ Recovery Quote from real mentalhalth.com

This morning I spent the energy I usually have for blogging creating a lecture for a 3 hour seminar called "Existentialism: If you only had one day to live".

I feel like I lived a full life in one day today.
I'm worn out, but in a good way.
Tired but a fulfilled tired, not an overworked or sleep deprived tired.

I gave all 3 hours of the seminar on my feet.
I sat for maybe 3 minutes total.

That's a great thing to be tired about.
Standing.
Public speaking.
Delivering.

It's nice to have stamina.
I look forward to having more.

and

I earned the nap I'm about to take.

*Movement for Motivation*
I wish I were in a nice pool.
Maybe water workouts will help me learn to balance on one foot.
I should give it a shot.
click here or click below

Yesterday's Activity: one hour of kickboxing with the Ploy Toys and the Ploy Boys (well, one of them left half way through, so a Ploy Boy and a half).

diet, right?

"There is no more destructive force in human affairs
- not greed, not hatred -
than the desire to have been right.
Non-attachment to possessions is trivial
when compared with
non-attachment to opinions."
- Mark Kleiman

I wanted to be right last night.
I should have known better.
Ok, I DID know better, but I wanted to be right anyway.

I was at a meeting, a salon-style discussion at a physician's home, and the topic of weight loss came up.

A middle-aged husband and wife were talking about their recent shedding of 51 and 40 pounds respectively. The man said he had lost that last pound just that morning.

The statement struck me as odd.
I could see if he were weighing himself once a week or so and made that one pound discovery, but he was one of those every-day scale people who believes his body fat can be accurately measured as increasing or decreasing from one day to the next.

He claimed to be living on a 1500 calorie a day diet.
He said that he lived on protein and vegetables for the first five months.

I asked about fruit.
Oh no, too much sugar, he said.
Yeah, but it's FRUIT I protested.

Fruit is sugar and sugar is baaaaaaaaadddddddddd!!
Carbs are baaaaaaaaaadddddddddddd!!!!!!!

What about whole grains?
No, they're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddd!!!

He was schooling me.
I wanted to scream.

I asked if he was hungry taking in a mere 1500 calories per day.
He said he was at first but then his stomach shrank and he got used to less food.

I asked about exercise.
He claimed to be exercising.

It was difficult to get straight answers since he was one of those talk-at-you people who gets on a roll and won't stop to consider anyone else's opinion.

He was the expert.

I was pissed.

He said prior to dieting he had been eating between 3500 and 4000 calories per day and was up to 200 pounds.

Oh, well, why not just drop your calorie intake to 2000 or so calories per day and start exercising?
No because in order to lose ---- pounds you need to burn ----- calories and blah blah blah dee blah blah, he insisted.

Aren't you worried that you're going to gain the weigh back?
Oh, let's hope not --- and maintenance --- and blah blah blah.

I couldn't keep quiet any longer.
Cuz I just lost 150 pounds, so...

He still wouldn't shut up.
I repeated myself.

I just lost 150 pounds in about a year and a half.

How did you do that, he asked?

Whole foods, I said.
And exercise.

I told him that eat lots of fruit, whole grains....
he cut me off and started blabbing again.

I pulled out my before picture and passed it around the room.
He reluctantly admitted that it was 'great' but wouldn't change his position on carbs and protein and no fruit.

I defiantly munched on celery sticks.

Mind you, this guy looked like a bag of sh*t wrapped in a flannel shirt.
He was blobby and sat like a lump on the sofa.
There was nothing glowing, healthy or vibrant about him.
Yet he was the self-proclaimed expert on weight loss in that room....according to him.

My 150 pounds didn't matter.
My before picture didn't matter.

The argument turned to eating before bed time.
More experts joined in with the mainstream notion that eating late in the day is baaaaaaaaaaadd.
Darren piped in.
Darren, a university student on physical education and exercise science who's studying metabolism and physiology tried to explain that it's the total amount of calories consumed in a day that matters, not so much when you eat them.
You'd think maybe they'd let his argument have some validity.
Nope.
They wouldn't listen to him either.

Finally someone asked me how I space out my meals,
how I timed them,
measured them etc.

I declared proudly: I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.

I may as well have said BLEEF NORF for all they cared.

They stuck to their terms.
Stop eating 3 hours before bed time.
Count calories.
Carbs are bad, even fruit.
1500 calories per day if you want to lose weight.
And maybe try Medi-Fast or Weight Watchers.

Woooooof!
I was happy when we changed the subject.

What's bothering me was NOT how wrong they were but how RIGHT I needed to be!
Why was I so attached to my own opinion?
Why did I have to be right?

No one had asked for my opinion.
I wasn't there to discuss my "method" (or non-method) of getting healthy.
What did I have to lose by letting the self-proclaimed experts in the room have their say?

I know myself.
I know what's working for me.
It shouldn't matter what others think,
should it?

*Movement for Motivation*
Myth busting!!
In other words: mix it up.
That's how I broke my plateau.
click here or click below

7 Weird things?

...and speaking of DEATH NOTE,
how great was the "L" and Light handcuffed fight scene this week?
And Misa stepping on a piece of cake :-)

Dave Crofts Munro is a faithful reader and commenter on my Blog,
so when he tagged me,
I felt obliged to participate.

Meh, could be fun.
Nice way to cross promote our Blogs, right?

Here's what he sent me:

Here Are The Rules

1. Once you are tagged, link back to the person who tagged you.

2. Post THESE RULES on your blog.

3. Post 7 weird or random facts about yourself on your blog.

4. Tag 7 people and link to them.

5. Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.


Ok, here are 7 weird things or random facts about me:

1.) I once had a collection of magazine clippings so extensive, I was able to sell them on Ebay, sorted individually by celebrity, for a few hundred dollars. Mostly supermodels from the 80's and 90's....and the band Hanson. I still have some waiting to be sold.

2.) Me, an animal lover and card-carrying PETA member, worked for Fred the Furrier for almost 3 years in the 80's.

3.) I don't have any tattoos.

4.) My cat Sebastian is named after a retired Kearny, NJ Fire Captain.

5.) The first rock concert I went to was in 1976 at Madison Square Garden to see Elton John.

6.) A few of my favorite places on earth are:
- the inner courtyard of University Hall on a warm night;
- the historic district of Charleston, South Carolina;
- the concrete picnic tables next to the TV station on campus on a clear night when you can see Manhattan;
- St. Thomas' church in NYC;
- my former professor's house up in Woodstock, NY;
- Disneyworld.

7.) Although I'm comfortable using the male pronoun when discussing God, and I often picture God as a benevolent male figure when I pray, during my two mystical experiences, God appeared to me as a female.



Ok, here are the 7 folks I'm tagging:

Becca @ Kiss the Sky: Embracing Life
Geri @ The Sublime and the Ridiculous
Corey @ Walt Disney World Internship
Lauren @ Adventures of a College Lab Rat
K @ Higher Ground
lifeshouldbestereo @ Life should be in stereo, each day
and the person who tagged me...
David Crofts Munro @ Drunk on Barley

WHEW!!
That took close to an hour!!
But it's worth it to get the word out about some awesome blogs.

Also, check out the Blogs that I link to on the right of this screen.
My cousin Maria's blog is especially great (but I couldn't tag her because David beat me to it ;-)

*Movement for Motivation*
I can't figure out if Rochelle Rice has ever been obese.
Why is she so passionate about helping larger women?
I'll do more research to find out.
In the meantime, enjoy!!
click here or click below

Oops, almost forgot to Blog!

“The best way to make your dreams come true
is to wake up.”
- from The Mentor, an academic advising journal

My morning was spent preparing for a telephone interview for a wonderful, fabulous, exciting opportunity at a university that I LOVE!

I researched.
I prepared.
I wrote notes for myself in black Sharpie on giant sheets of paper and splayed them on the coffee table.
I practiced.
I studied.

Let's hope it paid off.

The phone interview was Step One in the hiring process.
If I make it to Step Two, it's the live interview.
No.
Let me put it out to the universe this way:
WHEN I make it to Step Two,
the live interview, I'll be even more prepared and confident than I was this morning!

Hear that universe?
More confident....more prepared.

yeah

I'm feeling hopeful and determined.
It's a great way to feel.

To finally have a FULL TIME job where my talents will be put to work.
To finally have a fulfilling life AND the money to support it!

Dream come true, baby!

A dream I had to work for.

Whatever mumpy illness I had over the weekend seems to have subsided.
I have my appetite and energy back.
No weird neck swelling.

Just joy!
And hope!!
And determination!!!

They do wonders for the immune system.

*Movement for Motivation*
Ah ha!!!
I spoke it to the universe and the universe obliged :-)
Real women of size moving, breathing, being healthy!
"Rochelle Rice's Real Fitness for Real Women"
click here or click below

to Focus or Multi-task?

Why is the bittersweet chocolate only for Men?

Sweet Pocky,
bittersweet Pocky,
strawberry Pocky...
there's a reason we have more than one flavor.

Some folks like it sweet.
Some like it bittersweet.
Some like a variety.
Some don't like it at all.

Just like me and Darren.
We have different approaches to motivation.
I was worried about that.
I was worried that our different approaches wouldn't work together at Motivation Station (Thursdays at 1:00pm at the Drop-In Center on the MSU campus).

After thinking it over, I'm not worried any longer.

If we offer different styles of speaking to motivate, we've just increased our chances of helping more people
in
more ways.

His style is very direct, almost confrontational.
It's jarring.
Some folks need to be jarred!

Mine is more relational and forgiving.
All about self-acceptance and owning one's self as one is.
Some folks need to be loved up!

He's more black and white, yes and no, winners and losers,
more focused.

Mine is more grey area, maybe-maybe and multi-tasky.

And dare I say ....
they both work.

His work as a motivational speaker, youth coach and youth counselor is undeniably positive.
And I get pretty good feedback from my clients/students/readers as well.

So, looks like it's a little of
both
and
each.

Sometimes I forget that I'm a pluralist.
I forget that pluralism is not just a way to view religious truth.
Other aspects of life can be approached pluralistically as well.

Darren would say (well, he DOES say) that we shouldn't be multi-taskers.
We should be in the here and now.
Like Yoda said about the young Obi Wan,
"...always to the future...never his mind on
WHERE HE WAS...
hmm...
WHAT HE WAS DOING!"
Very Zen.
And smart.
Especially if you're driving
or training for excellence in competitive sports.
Focus works.

But, and you know there's always a BIG but from me...
I get nervous when he says, "DON'T be a multi-tasker!"

The no-multi-tasking approach is appropriate...fitting coming from an unmarried, childless male of privilege (and I say that descriptively not pejoratively).

Now, try saying that to a mother.
Or any parent.
Don't be a multi-tasker??
With kids, you have no choice.
And I wouldn't DARE say that parenting requires single-minded focus over multi-tasking.
Yet there IS such a thing as excellence in parenting.
All the best parents with whom I've spoken are fabulous multi-taskers.

So which is it?
Be focused or be a multi-tasker??

Well, I would say: whichever works best.
There are times when you need to have your eyes and ears open to a few different things at once.
Sometimes you need to be doing a few things well all at the same time.

Other times, super focus is required.

I think there's room for more than one way to do things.

I don't think either one of us has to be right or wrong.

*Movement for Motivation*
Too much soft focus?
Feel scattered??
Here's an actual focusing technique.
click here or click below...

if desire IS motivation...

What do I really, really, really want?
What do I really, really, really want?
What do I really, really, really want?

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray Love says you
must say really three times to truly get it
so I’d thought I would even write it down three times just too
really really really make sure I got it.
- Carole Fogarty in her blog The Healthy Living Lounge

I'm re-reading yesterday's blog and it's grammatically messy.
Maybe I'll go back and edit it.
Maybe I won't.

I did go back and make one correction: my game-writer is up to page 314 not 291 as I originally stated.
That's 314 pages of fiction, a game script, and he's not even finished.
This is someone who calls himself unmotivated.
Funny.

Motivation is what we think we need when we do things that we HAVE to do rather than doing things we CHOOSE to do.

On Thursday, the Ploy Toys (and the Ploy Boys) suffered our way through a grueling hour of kickboxing, part of the Group X fitness program (a free program open to all) on our campus.
We kicked.
We punched.
We jogged.
We perspired.
I whined and
I groaned...
a lot.

When the class was finally over and I was about to enjoy a sweet sense of accomplishment, the girls said they wanted to stay for the 30 minute abs workout.
But ... but ... but ... didn't we suffer enough just now?
More fresh hell ... fer real?

I joked.
They know I'll do anything for them.
I said they were taking advantage of me because they know I won't say NO to them.

One of the Ploy Boys said that he had an easy solution for me:
just say NO!

He's right.

I could just say NO.
I could easily beg off with a story about having something else to do.
I could say I'm too tired
or just say No Thank You.

That whole "I just can't say NO to them" drama is my messy, neurotic way of saying,
"I would love to stay and work out for another half an hour.
I love you.
I love that you want to have me around.
You bring me great joy with your enthusiasm about abs.
Your wanting me with you makes me so very happy.
I choose this happiness even if it means uncomfortable physical effort."

At the bottom of my complaining, and my drawing attention to how much I love my students, is an authentic DESIRE.

Desire = motivation.

If we could just be authentic about how we live our lives we'd have more energy to get stuff done.
We'd have more room to be satisfied and fulfilled.
If we could just clear away all the obfuscation to get to the heart of our own DESIRE imagine what we could accomplish!!

I spent so much time, no WASTED so much time dragging myself to
jobs I hated,
to social obligations that I had no interest in,
to food I didn't really enjoy eating,
to classes that didn't hold my interest
and WHY??

Dragging = have to.
Choosing = want to.

I could have saved so much energy by owning my own actions, by saying, "I am going to this dead-end job today because I have the DESIRE to keep a roof over my head and
because I acknowledge that I am unsatisfied at this job I CHOOSE to do whatever it takes to find more fulfilling work."

or

"I am going to this social obligation because I choose to be part of this person's event. I may not be looking forward to it, but I DESIRE this person's continued friendship and I CHOOSE not to break my word about participating."

or

"This food is disgusting. I'm worth the effort to buy, cook, acquire something tastier and more nutritious that will nourish me rather than stuff myself to keep my stomach quiet or suppress unpleasant emotions. I DESIRE better food and therefore I CHOOSE to make the effort."

or

"This class has been unpleasant in the past. Tonight I am open to the possibility that it might be interesting. Even if it isn't interesting, I DESIRE to finish this degree and therefore I CHOOSE to complete this class."

Desire walks on.

What do I really, really, really want?

That's a good question.

If we can answer it honestly then we'll be free to CHOOSE to do whatever it takes to get our heart's DESIRE.

*Movement for Motivation*
I wonder why I'm sick.
Maybe it's time to become an organic farmer in Oregon.
click here or click below

Already Motivated

Peter Gibbons: You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Porter: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

"...the best part about the game industry is the people. Game professionals are more open, genuine, nerdy, and fun than most people I know."

- from How I Became a Game Writer: An Interview with Sande Chen and Anne Toole

click here

No, this isn't a blog about game writing.
Well, indirectly it is, I guess.

Someone came to Motivation Station (Thursdays at 1pm at the Drop-In Center on the MSU campus in case ya didn't know) this week claiming he was just not motivated.

He said that he was overall, just not motivated about school.
He wasn't motivated to do well in his classes.
He said he was just fine getting C's and D's.

Darren immediately bombarded him with motivational aphorisms, a video of Debbie Black (the most enthusiastic athlete I've ever seen), and, very loudly and adamantly, tried to solve the guy's problem.
I kept telling Darren to take a breath and let me say something but,
he was on a roll.
It was difficult to get a word in.

When I did speak, I hope I got my point across.
And if I didn't, well here it is in today's blog.

YOU'RE ALREADY MOTIVATED.

See, the guy with the supposed problem is a yet undiscovered, game writer. Over the winter break he was turning out between 3 and 5 pages a day, every day, on his...THIRD story.
His first story was 260 pages long.
His second one is over 300 pages long.
And he's on page 314 on his third.
All three stories were done over the past year.

Writing 3 to 5 pages a day every day?
On a fiction story??
Sounds pretty motivated to me.

I don't even know if I could write fiction at such a consistent pace.

He must have a strong desire to write.
Desire is its own motivation.

So, why is he calling himself unmotivated?

Because he fells he SHOULD be more motivated about school.
He SHOULD want to get higher grades.
He SHOULD be more diligent about his school work.

That seems like a terrible waste of energy, fussing over "shoulds".
Take it from me, the Queen of fussing over "shoulds".

He kinda solved his own problem when he said he was just fine getting passing grades.
If he's fine with that, then what's the problem?

At Motivation Station the week before a different guy came in because he was disgusted with himself for procrastinating and leaving his work till the last minute. This guy said that whenever he sits down to tackle his schoolwork he gets distracted by something else or puts it off till later.
Then at the last minute he scrambles and rushes encountering all kinds of obstacles like printer jams and car problems that prevent him from getting his work in on time.

Well, for him, I have the goose crap analogy.
Why is it that when we have to go to the bathroom we go - to - the - bathroom rather than drop our drawers and take a crap on the sidewalk like a Canada goose??

It would be simpler to act like a goose, wouldn't it?
Giving in to our needs at the moment is the simplest way to avoid doing stuff we find unpleasant, like walking to the bathroom and all that goes with it.
But we don't crap on the sidewalk (hopefully).
We do a quick, almost unconscious, cost/benefit analysis in our heads and decide to use the facilities rather than behave like a wild goose.

Same thing with procrastination.
We know IN ADVANCE that it's going to be a big hassle to wait till the last minute.
It might SEEM easier to put it off till later.
Doing something more fun or pleasurable in the here and now seems to have an instant payoff. It's so much easier to do something that seems like it takes less effort.
Just like it would be easier to crap on the sidewalk like a goose.

If taking the easy way out as a way to increase fun and pleasure, then it makes sense to get the work over with. Get it over with so we can have a clear conscience. Get it over with so it's not hanging over our head interfering with our fun and pleasure.

Procrastination is a lie.
It SEEMS like it pays off in the now, but the pay off in the now robs the future thereby giving you an overall DECREASE of fun and pleasure.

Do your work now.
Have more fun later.
If your DESIRE is to enjoy yourself more, then get out of desire's way and do your work when you know you should. Diligence pays off better than procrastination, guaranteed.

Too much time and energy is wasted on procrastinating and then feeling bad about it.

If every time you sit down to do your schoolwork, something better comes up and you put off doing your school work, what should you do?

Your desire is to slack off and have a good time, right?
So do it.
Do it authentically.
Get your work done so you can take it easy.

You can't sit and chill when you know you have other stuff to do.
Get out of desire's way.
If you desire to have fun and take it easy then get your work done so you can really have fun and take it easy.
Do taking-it-easy WELL so you can really enjoy it.

Ok, back to my game writer.
He thinks he SHOULD have the desire to do well in school.
He's should-ing all over himself.
Should-ing is a waste of precious energy.

The "should" is a lie.
He doesn't HAVE to be anything except exactly who he is.
He's already motivated.
He has desire.
And he's already putting it into action.

If DESIRE is there, then motivation will follow.
Desire breeds an appropriate level of motivation for the task at hand.

You want to do better at something?
Cultivate the desire to do so.
Get a nice big reason to do better
and if you can't, then be authentic and put your efforts into something you DO have the desire to do.

Just like Peter Gibbons who's real motivation is to just work hard enough not to be hassled.

He owned it. Got free of the dead end job, the job he thought he SHOULD be doing, and started living authentically.

And Peter's big pay off at the end of the film was self-satisfaction, a job he enjoyed, a girlfriend who loved him and a big smile. Peter smiled with his whole being in the final scene of Office Space. He followed his most authentic desires and lived happily ever after.

If we'd stop thinking about all the stuff we SHOULD be doing and how well we SHOULD be doing it our lives would be more fulfilling and productive.

We're already motivated.
We're motivated by desire.

Desire is its own motivation.

Get out of desire's way and let desire do its job.

*Movement for Motivation*
You don't ALWAYS have to sweat and get your heart rate up to benefit from movement.
Health comes from gentleness too.
click here or click below

a mump in a snowstorm

I had plans for this snow day.
I was going to catch up on things.
Do my taxes, maybe?
List clothes on eBay, maybe?

Enjoy the forced downtime of being stuck indoors.

I should have known something was wrong when I overslept yesterday.
That's so unlike me on a day when I have obligations on campus.
Usually the anticipation gets me excited enough to bound out of bed and begin my day.
Instead I slept till 11am ish.

Last night I was cruising the Weather Channels and websites to determine the odds of having to go in to work today. The odds were in favor of snow.

Odds paid off.
Huge snowstorm dumped 5 inches on us.

Something hurt on the side of my neck.
It was sore.
I rubbed it.

This morning I woke up and the whole side of my neck is swollen and tender near my jawline. I feel weak and feverish.

It looks like I have half a case of mumps.

Mumps-like symptoms include aches, pains, fever, loss of appetite and, in about 40 per cent of cases, the hugely swollen saliva glands that give mumps its trademark chipmunk-cheek look.

I have no appetite which is odd.
I always have an appetite.
Not today.

I forced myself to eat an orange and half a piece of bread.

Dammit.

I hate losing time because I'm sick.

That's why this blog is so late.
I've been sleeping all damned day.

This better be over with soon.

*Movement for Motivation*
Flow Motion Tai Chi.
click here or click below

Yesterday's Activity: one hour of kickboxing with the Ploy Toys AND the Ploy Boys.....then the girls made me stay for 30 minutes of abs.

Lost 11 more pounds

“A single day is enough to make us a little larger or,
another time,
a little smaller.”
- Paul Klee

Dad's fine.
He's better than fine.
He didn't even need so much as an aspirin for pain after he had his pacemaker surgery yesterday.
He looked great when I saw him.

He was content.
All nice and tucked into his hospital bed.
The nurses were fussing over him and bringing him snacks and ice water.

Looks like I worried in vain.

Darren says that worry is like a rocking chair, a whole lotta movement that doesn't get you anywhere.

That proved to be profoundly true yesterday.
Not only was my worry about my father unfounded, but I learned something about this whole weight loss thing.

Worry doesn't make you smaller.
It doesn't burn calories.
It doesn't make you strong.
It DOESN'T BREAK PLATEAUS!!

What DID break my plateau?

Living authentically.
Being GENTLY consistent.
Taking my focus and worry off the scale.

At the hospital yesterday when I was looking for ice water for my father I found a giant scale.
A nice, big, digital hospital scale for people of larger size.
I was expecting disappointment.

Even though folks have been telling me that I look like I'm losing weight ever since I came back to school after the Christmas break

I didn't believe them.

Well, I believed that I LOOKED like I was losing weight, but I figured my body was just rearranging itself in response to the new workouts (with the Ploy Toys, yayyy!!!)

Last time I weighed myself the scale hadn't budged even though I FELT smaller.
I didn't see results and I was disgusted.
Put off.
Discouraged.

I lost interest in the scale.
I lost interest in the gym because it didn't SEEM like it was paying off,
plus that's where the scale is.

I've been really lingering on the topic of existential authenticity in my classes so this semester.
Owning your decisions.
Accepting who you are exactly as you are.

Only by FIRST accepting who you are can you ever CHOOSE to change...that is,
IF you choose to change.
Change isn't always necessary.
Sometimes self-acceptance is its own lesson.

I've been (trying) applying this to my own life.
Working out because I WANT to work out,
because I'm INSPIRED to work out rather than forcing myself.
Eating protein because that's what my body truly craves rather than because I'm forcing it into me.
Avoiding sugar and white flour because I feel crappy when I eat that stuff rather than because it's taboo.

How did the scale respond yesterday??

I've lost 11 pounds since I last weighed myself.
Yep.
The scale said 239.

I stepped off the scale.
I stepped back on.
Same 239.

I hit RESET and still the number came up 239.

Why was I surprised??

Because I've been conditioned to believe that losing weight and being healthy should equal SUFFERING.
I've been conditioned to believe that losing weight and being healthy means
sacrifice,
will power,
self-deprivation,
doing without,
resisting temptation,
forcing myself to exercise,
and other unpleasant drudgery.

That number on the scale told me something different.
It told me that I'm doing everything right.
I'm doing everything right and I'M ENJOYING MYSELF!

Hey, I'm not saying that when Skye puts us into plank position today in kickboxing class that I'm going to enjoy it the way I would enjoy say....oh....watching LOST later tonight.

Doing the plank kinds hurts.
Well, it alotta hurts.

But my friends will be there
and having them there is fun.

Catching their eyes during our workout and making faces or grunting or pretending to cry or just making each other laugh WHILE we're exerting ourselves makes the work feel like we're-all-in-this-together.
Yeah,
it's hard, but it's fulfilling.

There's pleasure in that kind of fulfillment
and according to the scale,
there are also results.

*Movement for Motivation*
I have no idea what the sound is like on this video because I'm on the office computer and I don't know how to turn on the speakers.
The moves she's doing seem really difficult and fast.
I don't do them as fast.
I might do every other rep or modify in some other way to match my fitness level.
Yes, we should push ourselves.
Just not so hard that we dread doing our workouts.
It's more important to have fun.
click here or click below

decoding a bad body thought

With a student at Red Hawk Night in H.E.A.R.T.'s Mardi Gras room where I was demonstrating kinesiology as a truth-telling method.
It was fun.

"The better is the enemy of the good,
but, perfection is the enemy of the best."
- the Prophet Kogan-iah

I sat in on a theology class yesterday.
My dear friend and mentor used the above quote to get his point across about human nature.

We're always striving.
We're always "not good enough" because we sense that there's room for improvement,
always.

It's human nature to want to improve,
to push the limits further,
to see what's possible.

The "better" is the dangling carrot that taunts the "good" making it want to go one step further.
Normal.
Human.
Just fine.

But we DO have limits.
Perfection is not possible (unless of course you redefine perfection to include flaws).
The best we can do is fall short.

We fall short of perfection over and over again but we keep pushing.
We keep striving.

I'm fine with that.
I'm a striver.

When discussing moral character or spiritual awareness, constant restlessness and dissatisfaction serve a wonderful purpose.
They keep us reaching for that perfection that can never be grasped.

When discussing self-image and our sense of self-worth, I'm inclined to say we should stop short of perfection and love ourselves, warts and all.

I'm feeling like a giant wart today.

Fat
ugly
saggy
yukky.

But what do Drs. Hirschmann and Munter say about bad body thoughts?

"...when we say 'I feel fat,' we are really speaking in code, disguising the true feelings and concerns that are vital to our lives."

So what's bugging me?

Anxiety over the job I have yet to be offered.
Anxiety over my finances.
Fear that I'll never be loved.
Anxiety over my father having a pacemaker put in today.

Yeah, that's a big one.
He's 78.
I know the surgery is routine.
It takes all of 20 minutes.
Everyone who's had one put in or has had a loved one with a pacemaker tells me how much better life will be for him and that the surgery is no big deal.

But facing my father's mortality and therefore my own
and the mortality of everyone I love is destabilizing...to say the least.

Dad will be fine.
I know he'll be fine.

Yet I must be anxious because
I'm preoccupied with how I look.

Strange that we send anxiety to familiar places.
Right now, my anxiety is in my belly.
It hangs.
It sags.
It pulls on my muscles making me think I have multiple hernias (and I probably do).
It's misshapen.
My shape is blobby.

Blah blah blah
Blob blob blob.

I wish I could just say, "So what?"
Yeah, I'm blobby, so what?
Yeah my Dad is having routine surgery today, so what?
Yeah, I have to win my full time dream job, so what?

Maybe if I say, "so what?" enough times in my head, I'll start to believe it.

*Movement for Motivation*
She made remember to take deeeep breaths.
She's 50 years old.
She looks fantastic.
Healthy.
Vibrant.
I'm gonna do what she does.
A reminder about Oxygen from Susan Powter.
click here or click below

Yesterday's Activity: one hour of kickboxing all alone because the Vixens stood me up.

Powter and Mirrors

Red Hawk Night at MSU in H.E.A.R.T.'s Mardi Gras room at the mask-making table.

Thanks to Gina for inviting me to create a profile on Susan Powter's new community site (click here)!

Susan Powter, mother of three, CEO and fabulous yogini, makes time to interact with her fans/viewers/readers.

I left the following comment for her on the site:

Susan, I love you for showing me what's possible. I love you for telling THE TRUTH. I love you for your braver, candor, hot body...hahhaha......and for fighting for those of us who can't....yet. I linked to your new site on my blog. Love ya! - Lisa


Within hours she wrote back to me:

For those
Who
Can, now..
And, you can
One life changing
Habit at a time...
And,
Thank you
What's happening
Here and,
At susanpowteronline.com
Is exactly
What I've
Been talking
About for...

The point
Is we
Are here
Now and
Today you
Start
To get
As lean
Strong, healthy
And well
As you
Want to get...
Love that
You love....
Now, it's
Time to
Love you...

Susan Powter


From her lips to the Goddess's ears.
Learn to love myself?
Yeesh.
That's a tough one.

It will take some major un-doing.
Systematic verbal abuse is a tough thing to undo.

Kids rolling their eyes, calling me names and going "yuck" every day when I arrived on the playground at school...
My harshly critical mother whom I could not please...
A society that demonizes overweight women...

These are big enemies.

The kind words I get from my readers, my students and friends (and Susan Powter) have about the same effect as throwing a chlorine tablet into a swamp to try and turn it into a swimming pool.
The chlorine tablet kinda burbles around till it eventually sinks to the bottom having no effect whatsoever.

My thinking is so poisoned.
I think the worst.
My self-image is so skewed I don't know where to begin to fix it.

But that in itself is a beginning.

The wanting to fix it means I know it's possible to fix.
Somewhere inside me I know I'm OK.
The very struggle to accept that I just might be lovable is testament to my tottering belief that I AM LOVABLE.

This week at our Motivation Station workshop, we're going to work on self-image for The Mirror Project at MSU. The Mirror Project challenges people to think about how they perceive themselves by asking

"What do you see when you look in the mirror?"

Then we use paints, glitter, cut outs and markers to craft our own personal mirror in response to the question.

The completed mirrors, created by over 100 people, students, faculty and staff, (we are doing one big one as a group on Thursday at Motivation Station) will be on display Feb 25 - 27th in the Student Center Ballrooms from 10am - 7pm.

With my rickety self-esteem, how am I supposed to coach people in self-love, self-esteem and positive self-image?

But then again, we DO teach best what we most need to learn.
Maybe that makes me the best person for the job.

*Movement for Motivation*
This is a great work out and all, but I am not at a fitness level...YET... to be able to keep up with them.
Too fast.
The moves are great, but I would have to do them in slow motion.
And I will.
Then I'll make a DVD out of it so beginners like me who NEED TO MOVE can actually do it.
click here or click below...

Yesterday's Activity: one hour butts and guts class with the Vixens plus Ploy!

Round but good

The pic above is what I look like.

The pic below is what I look like with my head tilted back to give myself a gravity-face-lift!
haha

I was wrong.
I got more than 2 Valentines on Valentine's Day.

My friend, and staunch Hillary supporter, Kara sent me a beautiful E-card.
And two former students sent me text Valentines!

So there.
Nothing to bit*h about.
I'm blessed to have received any at all.

I believe we have to be grateful for exactly what we have before we can accept gifts from the universe.
God, help me to be grateful for exactly what I have.

I am GRATEFUL for the comments that people leave me on this Blog!!!!
I am not consistent about responding to you, so please forgive me and accept a huge blanket THANK YOU!!
especially for the comments left on the post about Jiggling (click here).

Thanks for the perspective.
I HAVE come a long way, haven't I??

Close to 400 pounds.

Close to 260 pounds.

Down to less than 250 pounds.

Round and learning to love myself and appreciate exactly what I have.

Me with long, beautiful dirty blond hair.

Haha.
Just kidding.
NO MORE TRYING TO BE A BLOND!!
I learned my lesson.

I am good as a brunette.
I am better than good.
Keep telling myself that.

Great news!!
Step One in the process of getting my dream job has begun.
I'll be phone interviewed by the search committee sometime this week!!

Send good vibes my way.

Good
things
do
happen.

They happen
all
the
time!!

I hope they happen for you.

*Movement for Motivation*
You don't have to want to do it,
just do it!
You never regret moving.
Moving is always a good idea.
Even for a few minutes.
Glad BellaBKNY reminded us of how good it feels to do what we don't feel like doing!!
click here or click below

this world is love...

One of THE most awesome things to happen to me in the classroom:
a student brought 3 of her friends to class.
I mean, who actually WANTS to sit in on a Religion class??
I love them, I love them, I love them!

My Valentine bear from Kelly and Ploy!!
One of two, and only two Valentines I received.
The other one is below.

I am trying to type this blog but
I keep getting all teary eyed.

See those students in the top picture??
Only one of them is actually enrolled in my class (Ploy Joy, yayyyy!!)
She brought Kelly and Stacy and Dave with her.
And they WANTED to be there.
In
my
class.

Beautiful, young, sweet, wonderful students who could be doing anything they want with their sweet, beautiful wonderful selves...and they chose to sit in on MY class.

See, now I'm getting choked up again.
Oh, crap, full blown crying now.

I spent so many years believing I was worthless and unlovable.
I'm still struggling to believe I'm worth loving.
I struggle.
Then something incredible like this happens.

That counts as evidence that I'm getting better, right?
I'm kinda ok... or something.
Jeez I can't even type through these tears.
They're dripping onto the keyboard.

When I saw them walk into my classroom...
I mean...
(I'm supposed to be a writer and there are no words).

The devil on my shoulder is telling me I'm fat, old and unlovable, that I'm nauseatingly extroverted and needy.
That awful person who was leaving ugly comments on my blog is echoing in my head.
The negatives resonate with me as 'truth' about myself.
The positives are trying to land while I cry and wonder why the positives would even want to near me.

Healing ain't easy.
I understand why people find it easier to stay sick.
I understand why I LET MYSELF almost die.

Poor self image leads to poor self-treatment.
Lack of self-caring becomes a firmly embedded habit that's difficult to pry loose.
Prying it loose means exposing tender, vulnerability, a sensitive gap that wants to be filled.

Filling in the tender spots is like doing something new that kinda hurts.
Like if you're a righty,
try writing with your left hand.
It's awkward and counter-intuitive.

Accepting the idea that I have something worthwhile to say is like trying to write lefty.
Believing that I'm someone who people actually WANT to be around is like writing left handed or trying to thread a needle in the dark.

It would be so much easier to just stay sick, depressed and wallow in self-loathing.
It would be easier to let the old habits run their course...until they kill me.

But I don't want to die.
I'm not ready to end this adventure called Life.

I want to live.

Living means changing.

If I want to live I need to persevere and thread that needle in the dark, steady handed.
I need to practice writing with my left hand till I'm truly ambidextrous.

Thank God I have loving people to help me along,
you included.

*Movement for Motivation*
Goddess bless her, she's always teaching us how to modify movement to match our fitness level.
Do what we can.
Whatever we can.
Just do.
I love Susan Powter!!
click here or click below

Happy Hap

I had a hard time getting my energy up today but a whole pot of coffee and an energy drink later and I'm finally feeling perky.

Hot damn.
It takes a lot to blast through a fog of fatigue!

I wonder if I'll ever be healthy enough to be perky from one cup of tea,
or yoga,
or a brisk walk
or something.

Meh, whatever.

It is what it is.

I'm a little less than halfway through my time here on earth.
I don't want to waste time wishing I was something I'm not.

I'm late for a party at Matt's and Sarah's so I better get to the point.

What I want to say is:
I understand I may be halfway through my life (or less than half)
and I'm pissed off that I have to die someday.
I'm pissed off that I'm closer to death than I was yesterday or yesteryear or last decade.

I wish I had more time.

I wasted so much of my life being sick and unhappy.
Finally, some peace, health and joy are coming to me,
after much HARD work,
and I want to be awake and alive to enjoy it.

I guess the scarcity of time makes it that much more precious.
It took me this long to learn to appreciate what I have.

God, grant me the capacity to savor it.

*Movement for Motivation*
I want life.
I want to dance like her!!
"Be willing to do what you decide..."
click here or click below

Yesterday's activity: one hour of yoga with Kelly and Darren!!!

flesh jiggles

This is what I look like when I'm really, really happy.
(I'm the one without the mustache).

This is what I look like when I'm really, really fat and have to crop out most of my body so I don't spend the day in a downward spiral of self-loathing.
My issues aside,
how cute are Geronimo, "the" Dave and Matt Boyle??
Sooo adorable :-)
(The two on the left are The Ploy Boys.)

I was horrified by my arms yesterday.
We (Ploy Toys and one of the Ploy Boys) were doing our killer kickboxing class.
Punching, kicking, kicking ass, taking names
and I noticed my arms.

The weight is coming off.
That's the good news.

What's left behind....not so good news.
My upper arms are deflating and the flesh is hanging toward my elbows.
Gross.

I was suddenly so self conscious of all the jiggling my arms were doing.
Jiggling and flapping.
You know how they say a butterfly flaps it's wings in Brazil and we get a hurricane off the coast of Florida?
I'm sure I caused a typhoon on an island somewhere off the coast of Fiji yesterday.
My upper arms were flapping so much I'm lucky I didn't give myself a black eye.

My thoughts about my flappy arms were killing my confidence and spoiling my workout.

I knew it at the time.
I knew my self-defeating thoughts had to be stopped.

Scrappy as I am, I made a brilliant observation.

The little girl (I dunno, 18 or 19 years old)
in front of me, thin, taut, strong, was punching the air.
Her arms were not fat in the least.
There was nothing fat about her at all.

And guess what??

The flesh on her upper arms jiggled every time she punched the air.

Granted there was not much flesh there to jiggle.
But there was enough.

I told myself to notice this about people of all sizes:
Flesh jiggles.

It's normal.
It's human.
It's healthy.
It's how human beings are made.

We're fleshy.
We're jiggly.

The only times I haven't seen jiggly flesh?
On Olympic gymnasts and prima ballerinas.
And maybe Christian Bale in American Psycho.
Otherwise,
WE
ALL
JIGGLE.

I talked myself into feeling normal.
I watched the girl in front of me and felt ok.

I was feeling pretty good till I uploaded this pic from my camera a few minutes ago.
Here's the Ploy Boys' pic uncropped...

Dammit.
I hate the way I look.
I feel so convex.
Eggish.
Big bellied.
Round.

It will take a lot of self talk to make me feel ok.

*Movement for Motivation*
These are proactive arm-tightening exercises.
What I want to do when I do my workout DVD is to take exercises like these and show how a person at a beginner fitness level can modify them and make them DO-able.
In the meantime, these are pretty great if you're able...
click here or click below


Yesterday's activity: Kickboxing for an hour then 20 minutes of abs!

Chunk E

An alternative take on Michaelangelo's

David from Chunk E Business.

Although I disagree with the Fat Acceptance Movement's belief that one can be perfectly healthy in a morbidly obese body, I DO agree that big people are entitled to respect, dignity and fair treatment and that we should all feel GOOD about ourselves in every incarnation of our bodies.


In the above picture, I'm in one of my favorite places in the world, Charleston, South Carolina. (Nice Dooney and Bourke purse, dontcha think?)
I did my hair and makeup and put on pretty clothes thinking I looked good going out in the world.
Should I have felt like crap instead?
Should I have been posing for a Spring Break 08 bumper sticker so folks could laugh at me?

How about here with my Mom?
Should I have felt ashamed of myself?
P. S. Look at my hair, how gorgeous it was.
All I had to do to get it to look that way was wash it and shake it out.

I mention my hair because I wasn't happy with it, or not happy enough.
Last year at this time I tried to dye it blond.
Big mistake.

It was so damaged it broke off.
Now I have shoulder length hair that I wish were long and lovely just like it was in the picture above.
I look particularly sallow in this pic.
Good thing I turned off the Anonymous Comments option!
Truth is, I'm not sallow at all. It's just the digital camera.

Point is, I wish I could have been happy with myself just the way I was.
Always dissatisfied, I tried to be something I'm not and my hair broke off.
Lesson learned.

It's Valentine's Day.
Too bad I don't eat chocolate candy.
Today would be a good day to enjoy some of that.
What will I enjoy instead?

Yup.
You guessed it.
Apples.

Love 'em.


I'll be grateful for the company of my students.
I'll be happy that I have wonderful activities on campus (Motivation Station, Philosophy & Religion Club, Kickboxing).
I'll be ecstatic that LOST is on tonight.

And yes, I'll have some pangs of envy at the girls who're getting teddy bears and balloons and flowers.
We can complain all we want about how Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday perpetuated by Hallmark.
We can bitch about it putting pressure on those of us who don't have a romantic partner.
We can be annoyed that those of us who do have to try to do just the right thing for our loved ones.

All the bitching and complaining doesn't take away the sting of knowing that there are some people who have lovers and some of us who don't.
Those of us who don't feel kinda left out.

It's ok.

It's ok to feel exactly the way we feel.

Feel it.
Get it over with.
Eat an apple.

Tomorrow is another day.

*Movement for Motivation*
Real love.
Everlasting love.
Divinity.
Yoga.
click here or below

big fat shame

"I think this is what some post-WLS patients do.
They begin to view the obese in a negative light;
they no longer wish to fraternize with obese people;
they want to put all that behind them,
to save themselves from ever being obese again.
If all things obese become "bad" in their minds,
it is easier to believe that they will never return to being obese."
-Sparkly Jules on her All Things Sparkly blog

For the record, this Spring Break 08
bumper sticker isn't funny.
I think it's hurtful.

I've been rehearsing for work.

Getting up early, dressing, putting on make-up and going to school for a full day.

I've been so scared that my energy would crap out, that I wouldn't be able to handle a full time job when I get hired (notice I say WHEN and not IF).

I'm not sure why I'm scared.
When I was close to 400 pounds, dangerously diabetic, arthritic and suffering from severe sleep apnea, I managed to spend looooong days on campus, working, conducting workshops and earning, not one, but 2 Master's degrees.
I've proven that I can do it.

What am I so afraid of, now?

I guess I'm afraid I won't be able to do it 5 or 6 days a week.
I'm afraid I'll be too tired to enjoy my life.
I'm afraid I'll get sick.
I'm afraid of failing.

Writing it down like this makes the fear smaller.
Getting it up and out makes it less of a burden, less real.
Let the fear pass over me and through me.

Kinda like therapy.

Yesterday I walked across campus in the snow.
"In the snow" meaning it was falling heavily from the sky and accumulating on the ground at an annoying rate.

Walked
across
campus
in it.

I remember the pain of walking from one building to another.
I remember having to sit on every bench along the way to rest in between steps.
The pain.
The exertion.
The shame.

It doesn't help that fat women are regarded as either villains or jokes in society.
Fat men are more accepted.
Fat men actually have the nerve to make fun of fat women.
If we don't lose weight we deserve to lose a limb.
It's not ok to be a woman AND be fat.
No wonder I'm terrified.

I'm afraid of going back to THAT.
I'm afraid of being shamed.

I'm afraid that this ease of mobility, this lightness, this freedom
won't last.

I'm afraid I'll use it all up.
I'm afraid that my newly earned stamina is temporary, like a dream.
I'll use it up and go right back to super-morbidly-obese.

The dream of freedom will end.
I'll go back to being tired and half dead.
A shameful joke.

I'm in between the miserable past and the bright future.

My "pouch" - the smaller stomach created by the gastric bypass - is pretty much stretched to the size of a grapefruit.
Portion sizes are up to me.
Eating right is mostly up to me.
Working out is definitely up to me.

I guess I haven't learned to trust myself....yet.
Even after 10 months of non-stop working out 6 days a week.
Even after totally transforming my eating habits.
I'm still scared that the demons of hopelessness and despair will drag me back into a sick, sad state of immobility.

I'm telling myself to hang tough.
I'm telling myself that the new habits have gained enough momentum to carry me.
I'm telling myself I will rise to the occasion, whatever that occasion may be.

I'm telling myself that the nightmare is over and the dream is already in progress.

I'm telling myself that everything will be ok.

*Movement for Motivation*
Fat prejudice.
Not funny.
click here or click below

shut up and eat an apple

Two of my many blessings: Ploy and Kelly M.

Da PLOY TOYS! :-)

Dieting, counting calories, losing weight in general is such a frikken' YAWN.
It's boring boring boring.
I don't like taking up space on my mental hard drive with such boring fare.

Healthy lifestyle should run on automatic.
Good food choices should be pure reflex.
Movement, or exercise if you must use the "e" word should be a given, like brushing one's teeth.
Who ever had to schedule a tooth brushing?

It's habit.
We just do it.

Being a weight loss guru doesn't interest me...UNLESS
I can do it without the usual trappings of the diet mentality.

Perhaps I could be an AUTHENTICITY EXPERT!

See, I believe that health is a natural state.
It's what we were designed to be.
If we get out of our own way, put down the bag of Skittles and eat a damned apple, get off our butts and go to a couple of yoga classes, drink water when we're thirsty instead of soda....we'll be just fine.

Skittles and soda are learned habits.
They don't occur in nature.
They give TOO MUCH sugar in a single dose.
The body doesn't want that.

We TEACH our bodies to want that.

As Yoda said, "You must unlearn what you have learned."

I have a bag full of candy in my living room. They're treats for my students for Valentine's Day.
Candy kisses, chocolate hearts, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, gummi hearts.
I ate one piece.
I had a gummi heart because I love the texture.
I feel like I'm eating silicone.
It's fun.
But the sugar was gross. It burned my mouth so I haven't touched any since I bought it on Saturday.

Imagine that.
There was a time when I couldn't stand having all that candy in the house.
I would flip out and want to eat it all.
Resisting it took every ounce of will.

I trained my mouth to want apples instead of candy.
Or rather, I let go of the negative conditioning of years of junk food eating and went back to a more natural state of fooding.
I re-learned the simple fact that
Apples rule.

I'm glad I forced myself to re-learn how delicious and sweet an apple can be.
And I don't want to think about it.
I just want to eat apples instead of Skittles.
Amen.

*Movement for Motivation*
I'm not sure about sitting on a stability ball at the office but while you're home at the computer? I like the idea of getting strength training without thinking about it.
Nice, practical, fun...
click here or click below


Yesterday's activity: on hour butts and guts workout class with the Ploy Toys and the Boop Squad!

Blogging is good for you

I am blessed.
I am grateful.
Thank you for my life.

I may be broke but I'm happy.
And the broke part will be over soon.
I KNOW in my heart....or my gut...or some major organ...that I'll be working full time on campus soon.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying my life.
Today I get to go to school and work and frolick and see some of my favorite people in the whole world.

I'll get some writing done.
Darren and I will promote MOTIVATION STATION.
Even though it will hurt, I'm looking forward to our Butts and Guts class later today.

Don't think for a minute that I FORGET what it was like to be unable to walk around campus.
I used to have to park a few yards from where ever I was going.
Walking was such a chore, I never went to meet anyone for lunch or go anywhere spontaneously.
It was an incredible effort to walk around and hang fliers for my programs.
I had a wheely luggage thingy that I took with me everywhere because I couldn't carry anything.
I had no strength.

Back in my pre-op days a work out class was simply out of the question.
As a matter of fact it would have been out of the question a year ago at this time.
Last year at this time I had just started working out regularly.
I had a low fitness level.
Riding the stationary bike was a huge deal.

Now I'm able to (in my modified way) keep up with my teenage students, God bless them.

It didn't just happen.
I worked for this.

All those 6 day a week workouts got me here.
The major transition from junk food binges to healthy foods has and continues to make me stronger.
And leaner.
And more energetic.

Today, I'll be looking back over my older blog posts as A-milda and I continue with our book.

It's going to be interesting.
It's going to be emotional.

It's going to give me perspective.

I never thought I'd ever want to "journal".
The reason I hated journaling?
I hated reading about my life.
I didn't like looking back at how "foolish" I'd been in the past.
It hurt to have to read about the mistakes I made or the feelings I had for undeserving people.
Looking at my own behavior (or misbehavior) embarrassed me.

It's different for me now.

Now I feel like everything is a learning experience.
Now I understand that EVERYONE makes mistakes and mine or OK.

I'm becoming more forgiving of myself.
Kinder.

Hey, I've got the blogs to prove it.

*Movement for Motivation*
Oh, yeah, baby!!
Our hips can be used as weapons!
Yep.
Hips can be used to protect one's self.
I like, no LOVE the idea of creating space in order to deliver a crushing blow.
Sound isn't very good, but the visuals say it all.
Click here or click below...

efficient karma

I think I was 7 years old here.

(Thanks to my brother, Lance for the pic!)

"When I was in New York trying to be an actor and not working at all,
I needed something to anchor me to the world.
At that time, I was bereft of any creativity.
I read The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron,
and it gave me a schedule - something to do, to focus on.
I have a mind that just doesn't quiet down,
and the directive to write three pages every morning became almost meditative...
I find that the exercise gets rid of all the junk in my head;
it's written down,
so I don't have to think about it all day.
I can start the day fresh."
~ Allison Janney in Oprah Magazine December 2007

I must be PMSing.
I've been crying for no reason for the past 24 hours or so.
Unless it's the over consumption of caffeine.
Or my father's impending pacemaker surgery.

Or a combination of stuff.

I had to make Comment posting on my blog a more restricted affair so that I don't get Anonymous harassment any longer.

I wish I could say those ugly comments from that Anonymous troll didn't affect me.
But they did.

"You're a sallow-faced hag and no man will ever want you."
"Even Hurley wouldn't find you attractive."
and other awful, ugly comments about how sallow-faced and fat I am.

Who would be so cruel?

I have a feeling I know who it is.
Someone from my past who recently resurfaced.
10 years ago when she handed me money that she owed me (or rather sent someone to do her dirty work) the cash was wrapped in a note that said,
"Don't eat it all at once."

She's evil.
And awful.
If it's her.

Some random troll wouldn't take the time to read my Blog and make comments relating to things I've said.
Too much work for a random troll.
More likely a pre-meditated strike at my self-esteem.
Which is shitty.

But it's karma...for me.
Yeah, for me.

It seems that as I take off the weight, old, unlearned lessons are re-appearing for me to deal with.

In our upcoming book, Flexing Possibility, will discuss how the body stores emotions in fat, in tissue, in the lymph system etc.
So it makes sense that old, unlearned lessons would surface as my body, mind and soul are processing the burning fat.

And I am burning fat.
Not only with the cardio that we do, but with the strength training too.
Built up muscles burn more fuel during the day, during rest, and during low level movement.

Why do you think yoga instructors are so fit?
They're not running, jogging or biking the fat off their bodies. They're working their muscles, getting strong and creating a body that burns fuel efficiently.

I think karma can burn efficiently too.
Lessons that we need to learn will come back around when we are more able to handle them.

That b*tch who was leaving hateful comments on my blog is just like the bullies from grammar school and junior high.
She's like the abusive doctors who called me weak, lazy, gluttonous, and treated me poorly in general.

I didn't speak up.
I didn't fight back.

I stored the anger and bad mojo in my body and soul and now, I'm getting rid of it.
I'm saying NO, you will NOT do that to me.
You will NOT say those things to me.
STOP!!

But in order to say NO and STOP the universe has to send me the opportunities.
As much as they hurt, they're necessary.
They're necessary for me so that I can work out my karma and correct the hurts of the past.

At least that's how I'm looking at it.

*Movement for Motivation*
You should try to push your face up toward the sky to protect the neck.
But hey, it's Bridget and it's all good!!
click here or click below

Earning LOST time

I'm in full blow LOST mode and I'm not sure I care to get out of it.

I reached Greater God level in LOST trivia on Facebook and got stuck there.
I've answered all the questions and can't get to Supreme God level till folks add more triva questions for me to answer.
In the meantime I'm adding questions of my own at an alarming rate.

Alarming cuz I SHOULD be doing my taxes, catching up on paperwork, selling stuff on eBay, doing stuff for school, writing my book, etc.

But getting lost in a game is so, I dunno, satisfying.
That's the first thing I did when I sat down at the computer this morning.
Hopped onto Facebook and started doing the LOST trivia thing.

Of course before I sat down at the computer I fed the cats, made coffee, vacuumed and did dishes.
So, I earned my LOST time, right?

That's how working-out feels to me.
It's a way to earn do-anything-I-want time.

That's why not enough got done during my 10 months of working out 6 days a week.
In my mind, getting to the gym was enough of an accomplishment for the day.
Other stuff fell to the wayside while I worked out then slacked every blessed day.

Folks ask me if I had a higher level of energy during my 6-day-a-week workout binge.
NO.
Overall it helped me to get more fit.
Overall it contributed to my weight loss, my stamina, my self esteem, but MORE energy?
No.
Not so much.

It took most of my energy, mental and physical, to get to that gym every day.
Working out left me with an I've-done-enough kinda feeling.

Hey, I don't regret my 6 day a week workout jaunt.
I'm just not ready to repeat it.
Nor do I feel it's duplicate-able for others.
It's extreme.
It's too much for most folks.
Most folks need to be eased into an exercise habit.
Most folks need to ramp up to big changes like that.

I want to find a way for most folks, for as many folks as possible, to get well and stay well.
Getting inspired by others is a great way to get moving.

My Vixens and my Ploy Toys (and the Ploy Boys if they can cowboy up and handle it) have inspired me. They make me want to keep my word. They make me want to take those butt-whooping exercise classes on campus.

One of the Ploy Toys actually WON us personal fitness training time with the butt-whoopingest trainer on campus. It was for a fundraising auction. She bid, she won and now 3 of us are going to get our gutts and butts yanked into shape for an hour of personalized yanking. Lord have mercy!

Yesterday we did yoga.
Yoga sounded like a great idea when one of the Ploy Toys suggested it.
Then we got there and OUCH.
It was painful.
I was sore, I mean SORE from the stair episode and kickboxing the day before.

Everything hurt.
The asanas (poses) were difficult.

I did the Triangle for the first time.


Looks easy.
But, no.
Not easy.
Keeping proper form takes strength and flexibility that I'm still working toward!
I cursed the yoga instructor in my head.
Silently I begged her to take us out of the asanas sooner.
They hurt.

But I toughed it out.
WE toughed it out.
The 19 year old I was with was having a hard time too.

Yoga is not for the feint of heart.
Trust me.

A friend of mine told me that she was at a Weight Watchers information meeting.
She told the Weight Watchers' facilitator that she did yoga regularly.
The woman told her that yoga isn't exercise.

Yoga isn't exercise??
Uh, has she ever DONE yoga???

*Movement for Motivation*
This is TERRIBLE quality but I needed this specific clip.
Hurley demonstrates exactly how I felt trying to keep up with everyone climbing those steep steps on Thursday.
And stupid, stupid Libby!
How inconsiderate of her to expect him to keep up with her like that. He'll never want to take a walk on the beach with her again after that humiliating experience.
I never liked her for him anyway.
He needs to be with me ;-)

Yesterday's activity: One hour of super yoga with Kelly M.

Jab and Jack

We kickboxed, we abbed, we got our butts whooped.
We are the Ploy Toys!!
(l to r: Ploy, Kelly, me!)

What's my motivation again?
I had to ask myself as I suffered through, not one, but TWO exercise classes yesterday.
There were four students (former, current and future) with me, two of them were male.
Pretty brave of the boys to tough it out in a room full of females.
Pretty brave of me to work out in front of them.

Yesterday's workout was particularly grueling.
My lungs burned.
Earlier in the day I climbed the steps behind Morehead hall.
These aren't just any steps.
These are killer steps at a serious incline.
They're the equivalent of 5 flights of steep steps.

I didn't take my time.
I was with people.
We were on our way to take a tour of the Center for Faith and Spirituality site.
The Dean of Students was with us.
Our Catholic Chaplain was with us.
Staff from Student Development and Campus Life were with us.
And one of the students from Newman.

It was a work thing.
I didn't want to huff and puff like an invalid.

We were conversing while we climbed.

We were in social/professional mode.
I wanted to keep up with everyone.

I did not allow myself the luxury of resting in between flights of stairs.
Although I brought up the rear of our climbing party, I did keep up.

My legs burned but my lungs burned more.

That should have been enough activity for the day for me.
But nooooooooooooooo.

I had promised the Ploy Toys that we'd do kickboxing.
Plus two of our guy friends were joining us.

I guess I'm just a slave to my ego, a slave to saving face.
I didn't go easy on myself at all during kickboxing, not with them there.
The planks were brutal.
The drills were tough.
My lungs were screaming.

I had to remind myself why I was suffering.
I told myself that my body lift surgery would go so much more smoothly if I had a strong core.
I told myself that the more weight I lost the better I would feel.
I told myself that the people I was with were looking to see if I was the genuine article or not.
I told myself that it would get easier the more I did it.

There's this one student, I don't know her name, she's not one of mine, who has the SAME LEVEL OF ENERGY at the beginning of the kickboxing class AND at the end of the class.
She's perky.
I told myself that the more I worked out the closer I would get to that level of fitness and the easier life would be.

I told myself a lot of things yesterday.

When the class was over, my Ploy Toys wanted to stay for the 20 minute abs session (The Ploy Boys didn't stay. They were sweaty and grumpy).

I didn't want to stay either.
I had had it!
But I couldn't leave those girls behind.
It didn't feel right to leave.

It felt right to stay.
So I stayed for 20 more minutes of torture.
I know, I'm supposed to call it fun.
Ha!

I'm sore today.
I'm tired.

They want to do yoga at 5pm.

I'll be there with them.
I just can't day 'no'.

*Movement for Motivation*
How sad that our children are stressed.
How awesome to start them doing yoga at a young age!
click here or click below...

Yesterday's Activity: stair climbing, 1 hour kickboxing hella class, 20 minute abs.

Don't call it exercise

Me with Marni's gazelle in the background.
Gooooooo gazelle!

Don't call it exercise.
Call it something you actually like.
Call it fun.
Call it movement.
Call it girls' day out.
Call it dancing.

The brain will respond accordingly.
Trust me on that one.

Here, try this.
Smile a nice big smile.
Laugh a little while you're smiling.
Look up.
Laugh, smile, look up now tell me how depressed you feel.
See what I mean?

The body responds to programming from the mind and vice versa.

Call it exercise and watch what a chore it becomes.

Call it play time and watch how much less it hurts!

Fer serious.

Eating?
Don't call it a diet.
(and don't go on a diet either)

Call it the-way-you-will-eat-for-life.
It takes some planning.
The planning eventually becomes a habit.
Habits become no-brainers.

Yesterday Darren and I went with some students to eat at the Rathskeller (back in the day these places were the "pubs" of campus).
I smelled the grease the moment we entered.
It stunk of recycled, burnt oil.
We feed this stuff to our students then wonder about that mysterious Freshman-15 that they all seem to gain, and the bad skin.

I ate sushi.
Spicy tuna and a nice seaweed salad.
Unsweetened green tea.
I felt good after I ate.

If food makes you feel guilty or queasy after you eat it, don't eat it.
I know, I know, easier said than done.

It takes some conditioning to get the brain to associate the bad food with the bad feelings.
The surgery helped me to do that.
In the beginning, during what we post-ops call "the honeymoon" just about everything I ate made me feel nauseated.
The effects lasted till now.
I can't even LOOK at certain foods without feeling that gag reflex.

As years pass since the surgery, my stomach becomes tougher and some of those foods become tolerable again.
The trick is to NOT EAT THEM.
Sure I could get my stomach used to eating fried crap and sugar again if I force fed myself little bits at a time.
I must not do that.

I know a bypass patient who defies the nausea, in a bad way.
She'll starve herself all day then in the early evening eat Burger King.
She'll eat it fast enough that she'll have finished eating before the nausea kicks in, but when it does, she's so sick to her stomach she has to lie down for an hour.

The surgery does not automatically make you do the right things.

The right things have to be learned.

The brain has to be conditioned to associate good feelings with good food and bad feelings with bad food.

Same goes for exercise.

Today I'll be kickboxing with the Ploy Toys.
I'm calling it fun.

*Movement for Motivation*
Cute, purple-haired anime girls kickboxing.
If you don't understand Japanese, don't worry.
They've subtitled it in Korean for us.
click here or click below...

Get well while the gettin's good

Obesity is a problem.
It's a sickness.
It makes people sick.
It's the result of sickness.

The good news is...
It CAN be fixed.

But how?

That's an even bigger problem.

The "how".

I saw a commercial for the Lap Band this morning.
It talked about diminishing appetite and curing the hungry-all-the-time feeling.
Then it casually mentions side effects like band slippage and vomiting.

Understatement.

THAT's the solution from the medical community?
A bulima inducing device?
I have no idea why they can get away with saying the Lap Band diminishes hunger.
That was not my experience at all.
The stomach is left intact and still growls for food.
I know.
I lived with a gastric band for 18 miserable years.

I just shrug and shake my head.

How many unfortunate souls will suffer the way I did then blame themselves for their supposed "failure"?

That's why it's so important to me that what I do be DUPLICATE-ABLE.
Others need to be able to do what I do and be cured for good.

I'm still figuring it all out, but what I've figured out so far is good stuff.

Getting CLEAN from junk food so you no longer crave it is essential.
Not enough people are talking about that.
The only ones who talk about it are the detox and whole foods folks who are regarded as hippy weirdos compared to the mainstream diet folks who preach calorie counting and portion control.

Portion control is meaningless if you're still addicted to white sugar and white flour.

Controlling portions of processed crap foods doesn't seem to be working for folks.
People keep failing on their diets and then blaming themselves.

I have a friend who says that all diets work.
He says that the steak, salad and diet soda diet is his favorite.
He's lost 30 pounds or so eating nothing but steak and some weak salad.

Of course he gains it all back.
He claims the problem is will power or not sticking to the diet or some other hogwash that places the blame on the him and not the ridiculous starvation diet plan.

I think the term "works" needs to be qualified.
According to him diets DO work.
In his case the term "work" means losing weight.
The gaining it all back part is never associated with the ridiculous starvation diet.
It's always blamed on the dieter.

That's a problem.

"Works" to me means takes the weight off and keeps it off.
Diets don't do that. They don't work.
If they worked, we wouldn't have an obesity epidemic in this country.

What DOES work?
Lifestyle change works.
But who the hell wants to do that?

That's where I'm going to fill in the blank.
I'm going to figure that out.

Lifestyle change.
People imagine that to mean "doing stuff they don't like to do" and so they don't make the changes.

Folks who are addicted to white sugar and white flour and fried foods (the way I was) don't want to give up those foods.
They are physically addicted.
The idea of giving up those foods fills them with dread.

I know from experience that
giving up those foods requires an uncomfortable period of detox.
No one wants to live through that, so they stay addicted and fat.

But lifestyle change requires going through it and coming out on the other side FREE.

People need to know that they CAN do it.

If we're able to live through ridiculous calorie restrictive diets then we are able to live through a period of detox.

But who's going to talk about it?

Who's going to make this part of the mainstream "diet" discussion?

The diet industry won't talk about it.
They're too busy getting rich selling us 100 calorie Milky Way bars and Smart Ones fakey diet crap.
Getting clean, getting off the junk food for good means giving up their fakey diet foods.
Multi-billion dollar industries don't like to be f**ked with.

I see the Detox diet folks on TV and they come across as faddy and infomercially.
They look to be selling just another crazy way to lose weight.

The Master Cleanse stuff they're selling isn't necessary.
Hey, it might help, but I didn't use it.
I just stopped eating crap and started eating better food.

Better meaning fresher and more nutritious.
Fresh not frozen canned or packaged.
Low fat.
High fiber.
High quality foods.

Can we make a multi-billion dollar industry about that?
If we did, then maybe people would actually get well.

*Movement for Motivation*
Hey, what do you know?
Exercise helps us detox.
Go figure.
click here or click below...

Stuffed with meaning and stuff

I'm going through a Hurely phase lately.
Can ya blame me?

It's important for my weight loss/get fit/get skinny efforts to be duplicatable.
If they're not duplicate-able then they're not interesting to me.
If they're duplicate-able they have more utility and therefore more meaning for me.

I'm a famous multi-tasker and multi-meaning maker.
Stuff that I do needs to be meaningful to me or I don't like doing it.
If I don't like doing it chances are it won't get done.
I like stuff that has meaning.
Meaningful stuff gets done.

Last year when I was on my 10 month manic work out 6 days a week exercise binge, I did it because it FELT meaningful.
It felt like the right thing to do.
It felt empowering.
It felt like it was healing my self-esteem.
It felt like it was contributing to my weight loss and overall health.
It felt like I was being a good example to others.

Hey, it was fun.
No regrets.

Notice how I'm not doing that any longer.
And guess why.
If you guessed "lost its meaning" you have guessed correctly, grasshopper.

I'm not jazzed by it any more and if I ain't jazzed ain't nothin' gonna happen.

What jazzes me now?

Workout classes with my students.
Yep.
Big time jazz o'thon.

I love being with them.
They interest me.
They motivate me.
They inspire me.
They make me WANT to do my best.

I care about being a good example for them.
I care about what they think of me.
I care about their health and activity and they make me care about my own.
So far I'm doing 3 classes a week but we're looking to add more.
Thank God for my students.

The diet?
It's damn good.
It's so good it runs on automatic.

I went to lunch with mother today.
We went to the bagel shop next to the pedicure salon (and then we went for pedicures!)
She sat in the little dining area while I stood and placed our order.
Her wallet was tucked under my arm. She places no restrictions on me when we're ordering food.
I can get anything I want.

As a person recovering from an eating disorder, that kind of freedom can be scary.

Today was not scary.
Today was rather calm.

Mind you, this place makes my favorite oat bran bagels.
Carby, doughy and crispy on the outside.
I can eat 4 of them in a day even with the bypass.

What did I order?
A pound of smoked turkey, a tossed salad with no dressing and 4 bottles of V8.
The possibility of bagels flitted across my brain.
I thought it best to avoid the unnecessary carbs and didn't order any.
It wasn't a big deal.
I didn't feel deprived.
I didn't really care.
I didn't even think of it till just now.

Wonderful!

Food is turning into a no brainer.
Working out is something fun that I look forward to.
I feel like I've lost more weight though I haven't stepped on a scale and am in no rush to do so.

Good.
Meaningful.

Now to discern the formula.

Now to help OTHER PEOPLE feel this calm, unpressured, inspired and free.

Figuring it out will be oh, so meaningful.

I'm jazzed.
Love it.

*Movement for Motivation*
When I do the squats I only dip down a couple of inches because of my knees.
Just squeeze your butt and it still gives you the good kinda burn.
This is the clip where she says "the more you can squeeze your butt in life the better off you'll be, trust me."
I love Holly.
click here or click below

Yesteday's Activity: 1 hour butts and guts with Ploy and friends!! We need a nickname. The Ploy-min-ators ... The Kick Squad ... The Ploy Goys ... Plo-isa and Company ... The Fem Bots

privilege

I figured it out.
It's been a vague, unfocused idea since day one.
Like Luke's X-wing moving to and fro on Darth Vader's scope in Star Wars IV: A New Hope.
It finally comes into the center of Darth's firing range and he says, "I have you now!"


That's what it felt like for me when I finally figured it out.

The reason, well, one of many reasons, but a damned powerful reason I want to be "skinny' is....

PRIVILEGE

I get it now.
Sure I want to be healthy and feel great.
I want to be mobile and have lots of energy.
Sure I want to look good in clothes and be able to jump up and down.

But a HUGE motivation for doing all this?
Privilege.

Being thin and pretty buys access to, well, everything in this world!

This is not just.
This is not fair.

From a social-justice standpoint, it's appalling that folks are denied access to resources because of how they look.
It's unfair that employers and search committees just can't seem to help themselves when a beautiful person shows up for the job.
It's unfair that pretty people get better service.
It's unfair that pretty people get noticed just by walking into a room.
It's unfair that the pretty people attract affection, social attention, friends, DATES!

Shame on society.
Shame on the world for not rewarding character and integrity as easily as it rewards good looks.

The fallout of this societal prejudice is downright damaging.
Eating disorders,
poor self-esteem,
drug addiction,
adultery... I mean how much do the less-than-gorgeous (and the gorgeous themselves) have to suffer trying to live up to a ridiculous beauty ideal?

It stinks.

But...and everyone loves a big J-lo style butt....
if we could wave a magic wand and make ourselves look any way we wanted to, would we choose to look older?
fatter?
have bad skin?
yellow teeth?
thin dull hair?

NO!!
Of course not!

Unless of course you're Sun Pu-erh...
"...Wang foresaw that Sun Bu'er's beauty would make her a target of lust-craving men if she made the journey, and that if she went, she would ultimately take her own life from shame. He explained the situation and forbade her to make the journey.

Determined to overcome the fact that her physical attractiveness would inhibit her study of the Dao, Sun Bu'er went home and burned her face with a splash of hot oil, destroying her beauty. Wang was astonished by Sun's action. He predicted that she would be the disciple to travel to Luoyang, and immediately began to train her in earnest in the secrets of internal alchemy...."

But I'm not Sun Pu-erh.
I don't want to study the Tao so badly that I'll destroy my own beauty to prevent lustful devils from accosting me.
I've done that already.

I proven myself. I've studied the Tao (philosophy, theology) with brilliant people.
Earned degrees with honors.
I excelled.
I excelled enough to teach at university.
I've done the intellectual work.
I'm continuously doing the hard work of developing my character.
I did it weighing so much I almost died from the co-morbidities of obesity.
Socially stigmatized and all but outcast because of my size,
I made the journey to study with the immortals.
Sun Pu would be proud.

I want to experience the other side now.
I want to know the "hindrance" of beauty.
Before I die, I want to know what it feels like to be one of the beautiful people.

Sure I'll need plastic surgery to correct the damage of having been so large all my life.
Sure I'll need to lift my face a bit.
But I want to know.
I want to know, from the insider's perspective what it's like to be privileged.

I'll try not to let it ruin me.

*Movement for Motivation*
Easy,
breezy
Tai Chi zee.
Click here or click below...

Old Country Blog

Jezebel lounges about on Girls' Night In!!

I've switched to pink lipstick.
I don't feel like I have to draw attention to my mouth that used to get lost in a pudgy blob of ham fat that used to be my face.
Leaner face gets leaner lipstick.

So far, I've been a real a**hole today.
I woke up late (10:30ish)
and proceeded to play LOST trivia on Facebook for 2 hours till I reached a rank I found suitable (Scholar!).

Defragged my computer which required no effort on my part except to lie on my bed surrounded by purring cats who are always happy to accompany me on a lazy bed mope.

Rebooted.
Played around on Facebook some more using my new favorite toy, the candy hearts generator.

Guzzled down a pot of weak coffee.
Started straightening out my room.
Sat down here and now I'm blogging.

Yeah, I'm an a**hole.
But it's not too late to change.
I can be a hero for myself today.

Imagine getting a bunch of stuff done.
How great would I feel?
So great.

Maybe the prospect of feeling great will inspire me to be productive.

I was an a**hole yesterday.
I was supposed to go to Darren's wrestling thingy at St. Matt's.
I didn't get my ass in gear in time to get to Marni's, pick her up and drive down to Edison.
Poor time mangagement on my part.
Some serious ass dragginess.

Marni and I salvaged our evening, though.
We went to dinner then watched a movie.
We had a nice girls' night in.


Dinner?
We went to the Old Country Buffet. My suggestion.
After a week of picky eating and no appetite I was in the mood to eat "heavy".
Funny how that's different for me now than it was before.

I used to load my plate with the worst possible buffet choices: macaroni and cheese, macaroni salad, pasta, bread, mashed potatoes, corn bread, stuffing, gravy, then top it off with a sickening amount of sugary desserts.

Last night's version of "eating heavy?"
Chicken breast, green beans, chick peas, half a cup of pasta, celery, a few bites of fish, steamed cabbage, mushrooms, red sauce to dip the chicken in and a few regrettable bites of desserts (they were gross and made me queasy).

To get my money's worth (a whole $11.65) I brought (sneaked) a few nice pieces of chicken home in the zip lock baggies I had in my purse.

We ate. I was stuffed to the gills.
We waddled out to the car and I made Marni laugh by making whale noises like Dori from Finding Nemo.

We went to the Shop Rite, not really able to imagine ever wanting to eat again, and bought pretzels, sugar free ice pops, fresh fruit and sugar free jello in case we wanted to snack later that evening.

Smart thinking.
We DID eventually feel snacky later in the night while watching Labyrinth.

Came home.
Watched Death Note.
Wanted to choke Misa for .... well, just about everything, except when she meets L for the first time and thinks he's unusual looking, which was cute.
Wanted to push L's shoulders back and yell at him to stand up straight.
Wanted to call L and Light gay for, well, being so gay.
Couldn't believe they kept Misa strapped to a table for 3 days.
Didn't she have to pee at any point?

And now that I've written a typical blog, the kind I hate that details a person's activities in excruciatingly boring detail, I'm going to go and try to be less of an a**hole.

Maybe I'll start by taking down the Christmas tree.

*Movement for Motivation*
WARNING: fart humor.
If you don't think farts are funny, don't watch this video.
If you're like me and you think farts are hilarious, have a nice laugh.
Or two.
Or three.
Or ever time there's a fart cuz that's how many times I laughed.
click here or click below...

First eat an apple

Me and Ploy (พลอย) in the room next door to our class to watch the Will Smith 60 Minutes thingy that Darren brought.

Namaste and good luck!

Something's in the air.
Depressives are having a hard time right now.
We're extra moody. Some of us who are lucky are riding a wave of mania.
Some of us are suffering.

I've had a particularly emo week.
Mopey.
Meaningless.
Crying for no reason.
Crying over people being nice to me.

Oh, yeah.
I cry when people show me genuine warmth or kindness or affection.
I'm ok with getting it from my friends.
But new people?
No.
It tears me up inside.

My new students are beyond awesome.
I love the way they look at me.
I love the looks of recognition, agreement, excitement, wonder and happiness I see on their faces when I lecture.
I get all warm and fuzzy when they want to spend time with me outside the classroom.
And then I go home and cry about it.

God, I'm so torn up inside, so injured.
This new healing love from myself and (maybe not so new from) others is such a shock, like the wave of relief you get from holding your hand under ice cold water after you've burned it cooking.
It's fading pain and relief all at once
and it makes me cry.

I feel like a hospital patient.
Sore and sensitive.
Wanting to buzz the nurse for an emotional pain killer.

Today I could stay home and mope around.
I could sleep.
I could bundle up on the sofa and feel sorry for myself.
But I won't give in to those feelings.
I refuse to isolate myself.

F**k my depression.
I'm taking it on the road.

Darren is hosting a wrestling event at St. Matt's in Edison tonight.
I don't like wrestling.
But I'm going.

Being out and about will keep my psyche afloat.

Namaste and gooooooooood luck!

*Movement for Motivation*
Ok, this one is just self indulgent.
If you're not a Death Note fan you may not be entertained by this, but
it's someone's creative effort and it's adorable!
Shinigami yoga school!
Click here or click below...

Heck is other people

I forgot to take out my workhorse (digital camera) and take a pic of me and Ploy at kickboxing class yesterday!
Ah, well.
We have the sore muscles to prove it (at least I do)!

Darren and I had our first meeting of Motivation Station at the Drop-In Center yesterday.
Some really awesome students showed up.
I had fun.
I hope they did.

During our meeting I admitted that I need other people.

It wasn't a HUGE dramatic admission.
We were discussing motivation, still not sure if it exists or not, guess it requires defining.
And I wondered aloud what made me want to do a kickboxing class that afternoon.
Exactly WHAT was going to GET me there to do something kinda unpleasant?

I admitted it was my ego.
Well, part integrity but more ego.
I told the Vixens that I'd do a class with them.
Disappointing them was not an option for me, but lest you think I'm noble, let me dig deeper.
A more potent reason is the fear of what they'd think of me if I bailed.
That fear keeps me honest.

I care what they think.
I don't want them to think less of me.
It matters to me that they see me as a person of integrity, and so I behave like a person with integrity.

Ego.

I also talked about how I worked out 6 days a week for 10 months last year. A major part of my motivation to do that was to prove someone wrong who said I couldn't and shouldn't work out 6 days a week. Spite.

Ego and spite.
My motivators are fear of tarnishing my reputation and my desire to be right.
God, I feel like a bad person.

Maybe doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is ok.

Whatever the reason his heart or his shoes,
he stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Whos.

I didn't HAVE to work out yesterday.
Turns out the Vixens were feeling sick, tired or both and weren't up to kickboxing class.
I almost didn't have to go.

But the universe sent me a Ploy (พลอย).

Ploy is one of my new students who came to Motivation Station yesterday.
She wanted to know what time I was going to kickboxing class.
We made the plan.
We texted and confirmed later that afternoon.
We walked across campus together.
We kickboxed.

Sounds like no big deal,
but if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have gone.
I didn't feel like going.
My gut hurt from doing crunches.
I was tired, dehydrated and coughy.
Weak from eating only an apple all day (no appetite).
I just wanted to go home after my 4:00 meeting.
But I had made plans to meet Ploy.

Well, I guess I could have bailed on her, but I wouldn't do that.
She's my student.
I care about what she thinks of me.

Plus, I was touched that she would want to spend time with me at all.
I'm always surprised when these young people want to spend time with me.
I'm still surprised when anyone wants to.

I guess I kinda understand why spending time with me would be sorta pleasant.
I mean I like my own company but then again my taste is offbeat. I'm a weirdo.
So, of course I like my own company. I'm into all the same things that I'm into. I'm always hungry at the same time as I am. I'm always (usually) in the mood to do what I feel like doing. I have a lot in common with myself.

But OTHER people?
That surprises me.
Especially students.

Teaching is one thing. They have to be there for class.
But spending time with me outside of class is optional.

When they want to spend time with me I'm amazed.

It warms the cockles of my heart I tell ya.

*Movement for Motivation*
Here's a feel-good moment for ya.
I played this for my class the other day.
I told them moods are subject to change.
This clip puts me in a good mood.
Hope it does the same for you.
click here or click below...

Yesteray's Activity: One hour of kickboxing with Ploy Dough.