trying to be thin what done her in

"I won't ever stop saying it.
Weight loss surgery is deadly,
forced anorexia
 and not as effective as it seems
and it seems to have a risk factor of suicide. 
And if you have it done as a teen,
you might be increasing the risk of birth defects 
if you get pregnant in the future....

...The worst part
is that the procedure 
is marketed as something easy 
but instead 
you might be trading one set of symptoms
for others...

...if you "cure" these dieases with weight loss surgery
you run the following risks: 
death, 
malnutrition,
malabsorption, 
suicide, 
follow up surgery,
gallstones, 
dumping syndrome, 
no weight loss, 
weight gain, 
forced anorexia, 
vomiting, 
pneumonia, 
kidney stones, 
hernia, 
blood clots, 
birth defects. 
Not to mention a return of these diseases. 
With these kind of side effects?
Is it even worth it?"

- WLS and Biggest Loser Cuts Down Fat People

 

I'm more than a little freaked out by my own blog post yesterday (click here) where I made the observation that I've been making myself sick after eating since I was 16 when I weighed 160 and thought I was shamefully fat. 
At age 16 I learned how to stick my finger down my throat to make myself throw up.
I continued that behavior many times per day till  I was...

I was about to write that I  haven't been bulimic in many years.
That's not really true.
When I got the lap band (it wasn't a "lap" band it was a full incision gastric band)
I was able to throw up more easily.

The band kept the food from entering my stomach. It would sit on top of the band in "the pouch" and either come up on its own or come up with just a little coaxing from me.
I lost 100 pounds after I got the gastric band.

The swelling in my stomach from the constant vomiting made the band tighter and tighter. I went to have the band "loosened" about once a month until it was empty. No more saline. It was not able to be loosened.
It became so tight and uncomfortable that I could hardly drink liquids. That's when I had the band replaced.
That one sprang a leak. When they tried to do a fill the port had flipped over so I elected to leave an empty unadjustable band left inside me for 13 years (I had the original band in 1988 then the replacement in 1993).

The vomiting continued during the time the band was still in me, yet I gained weight.
Who the hell vomits after every meal and still gains weight?
Me, that's who.

By the time I had the gastric bypass in 2006 my gut was full of scar tissue and adhesions.
The band had slipped and dug deep into my stomach.

The gastric bypass was a relief.
The gouging band was out of me.
The vomiting was over.
Now, instead of throwing up after I ate I just experienced nausea from dumping.
Still do at least 5 times a week.

I try to eat slowly and moderately but all it takes is one forkful too many or one food that doesn't agree with me and the nausea and rapid heart beat take over.

Basically I've had NO PEACE after eating for the past 31 years.

Writing that makes me really sad.
It also makes me really mad.
It also makes me want to tell anyone who ever wants to mess with me on the issue of my weight or my diet to shut the fuck up....HARD.

All I want to hear is "you poor thing...how hard that must be for you...you deserve to have some peace...you don't have to do that to yourself any longer....you are fine just the way you are...there is no better you than who you are right this very moment...don't torture yourself....don't suffer any more...it's ok...you deserve to feel better."

Of course I'm crying as I type this.

It hurts to acknowledge how I've suffered.
It hurts to know that even though I don't stick my finger down my throat any more I still have a surgically rearranged gut designed specifically to make me feel sick if I eat the "wrong" thing.
The weight loss surgery community calls this "a tool".

Yes, it's a tool like the rack or the mouth pear or the iron maiden or the thumb screws (you getting the picture?) or the machine from Princess Bride.


 A tool for self torture.
When I first got the gastric band in 1988 I weighed exactly what I do right now.
I've come full circle.

Funny how karma won't let you move on to the next challenge till you've finished the one you're facing.

If I don't learn to love and take care of myself right now, fat and all, I will die.
Simple as that.
If I continue to try to punish myself thin I'm done for.
Trying to be thin what done her in.