Portion Control or High Volume?

"Volumetrics says go ahead
and eat those three slices after
you make a few switches:
replace the pepperoni with lean canadian bacon,
swap out the ordinary mozzarella
for low-fat mozzarella
(and use a third less cheese),
and sprinkle tomato pieces on the pizza
to make it more filling
(as tomatoes are very low in calories)."

- The Simple Dollar review
of Volumetrics

"I had the greatest sandwich ever,
a big bowl of rice,
two bananas
and a thing of pineapple.
When you're satisfied
and you're full
and you've eaten high volume
and low fat,
you ain't gonna be cravin'
the brownie."
- Susan Powter, supergenius

My friend's comment on my Alli post had me thinking about portion control and why I cringe at the phrase.

In his comment he said,

"I do have a problem with portion control from time-to-time, especially when I go to a buffet. So switching to a smaller plate in this instance would force me to take less food on a trip, which means I will eat more slowly, which means I will have more time for my body to tell my brain that I am not as hungry as I think. Not so bad, eh?"

No, it's not so bad if tricking yourself into eating less is a strategy that works for you. Maybe having less food in front of you makes you eat slowly when you go to the buffet. As for me I would just have to get up and get more food more often. Maybe that's a good way to get more exercise but it would not make me eat less.

As a matter of fact there is not much in this world that will make me eat less (and yes, as I say this I think of those without and I thank God for money, food stores, access, privilege and everything else that puts food in my fridge).

I went through hell to get my weight loss surgeries to help me eat less. As a survivor of a few different surgeries let me declare for posterity that surgery does not solve the over eating problem in the long term!

"Discomfort
always
precedes
change."
- Sonia Johnson

I also do acknowledge the vast difference between being a carb eater, a mindless snacker, a one too many helpings person, or someone with less than 40 extra pounds to lose and a morbidly obese binge eater.
Not all overweight people suffer from binge eating disorders.

But the idea that "portion control" is the great problem solver strikes me as wrong.
Why?

Using The Daily Plate every day has shown me something about calories (I also hate the word calories and calorie-counting, calorie restriction, etc). One ounce of honey glazed peanuts has 160 calories (maybe it's the "k" sound in the word calories that makes me want to k-k-k-kill it or maybe it's the negative associations I have to it).

One ounce of honey glazed peanuts = 160 calories.
One cup of spinach = 7 calories.

Yes, you read that right.
7 effing calories in a cup of spinach.
A giant bowl of spinach?
Still not even a third of the calories in the sugary peanuts.

Susan Powter screamed this at me in her 1980's infomercial for Stop The Insanity.
I heard her.
But I was so chemically addicted to starchy carbs, refined processed crap and fast foods that I couldn't imagine wanting to eat a bushel full of carrots rather than a few Devil Dogs.

Now you couldn't pay me to eat the stupid Devil Dogs. Well, you could pay me, but it would have to be quite a bit since my hourly rate for vomiting is pretty high.

Now I WOULD rather eat the bushel full of carrots. You wouldn't even have to put much on them, maybe some sea salt or fat free salsa (most salsa is fat free).

It took me a long ass time to retrain my body and my taste buds to want the high volume, low fat HIGH QUALITY foods rather than the crap.

You need to learn portion control if you're going to continue to eat crap.
You need to learn portion control if you're eating high fat, rich, gloppy foods (even gourmet foods can be gloppy, cheesy, fatty, oily, etc).
You need to learn portion control if you're still eating white bread, pasta, white rice, anything made with bleached flour, corn syrup, etc.

As for me I like to eat in volume.
I like A LOT of food in front of me.
My salad bowl, not the one I serve out of the one I eat out of, is the size of a small punch bowl.
Try to take that away from me and I'll growl like a pissed off dog.

I like the new Jenny Craig ad in this month's Oprah magazine (I've scanned it for you and put it up top). I'm not sure why you need to pay Jenny to teach you how to eat that way, but go for it if it works for you. If you're smart and committed to change then just look at the ad and live that way from now on.

Easier said than done, I know.
Getting off of junk food was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
While I shivered, shat and detoxed I was recovering from a difficult gastric bypass (only difficult because an old, scar tissued gastric band had to come out of me first, scrape, scrape, ouch!).

But I did it.
I did it and I'm still reforming my eating style.

I'm off wheat and dairy.
Easy.
Really.
I took that stuff away and replaced it with stuff that I think will be better for me.

Is my energy level up?
No.
Not yet.
I'm ready for a nap right now.
I still feel foggy.
I feel tired and oppressed by my own body.

Anemia?
Hormone deficiency?
Vitamin deficiency?

I'll need the blood work to tell me that.

I was hoping that the wheat and dairy were the problems.
I hoped that getting off them would send a big marching band of energy playing Sousa into the living room of my life.
It didn't.

I've got more work to do.

Good thing I'm not afraid of hard work.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
What's the difference between whole foods and organic foods?
Are there whole foods that are organic?
Dietitian Jan Dowell of Sports Nutrition for Women goes to the grocery store with us and explains.
click here or click below

positively revolting

"How can anyone who feels
weak,
frightened
ugly
and
stupid
believe
she can create
a beautiful new world?"
- Sonia Johnson

"Women are always so surprised
when others love us.
We are astonished
at how much warmth
and appreciation
and understanding
and affection others want to give
and do give us...
We can't believe we deserve it."

- Sonia Johnson

Mary Daly loves to play with words.
She likes to reclaim words that have been misused by patriarchal society and reframe them as empowering affirmations.

For instance, she says "a positively revolting hag" is really "a stunning, beauteous Crone; one who inspires positive revulsion from phallic institutions and morality, inciting Others to Acts of Pure Lust".

I'm ready.
I'm still in my "mother" phase of the triple goddess (maiden, mother, crone).
But I am no longer afraid of my hagdom.

I'm getting braver.
I'm sticking up for myself.
I'm trying not to have a chip on my shoulder because I know that looking for a fight will attract one, but I am preparing for a future where I no longer take any shit from anyone.

Let me rephrase that. I am stepping into a present where I expect respect. I give it. Why shouldn't I get it?

What if at 50 or 60 years old I don't look like this?


What if I look like this instead?



What if at 44 I have legs like this?


Instead of like this?


Would I be less of a person?
No. Of course not.
And I know that.

I know that fat, middle aged women are the throw aways of this society.
We're called "gross" and "unfuckable" by the males of privilege. And the females of privilege too for that matter.
Ever watch Fashion Police?

Women and gay men sit on a panel bashing the skinny, Hollywood-ers who walk the red carpet for any flaw they can find...or invent.
Pick
pick
pick
pick
pick.

That stuff gets in my head.
It's like hypnosis.
Well, it IS hypnosis.

It anchors my bad body thoughts.
Any wrinkle, flaw, flab, bump or bloop sets off an automatic "ewww" in my head whether it's my body or someone else's.
Why?
Because that's the only thing I'm feeding my head regarding how a woman is supposed to look.

Does this mean I've given up my dream of plastic surgery to correct my sagging, deflated flesh?
Oh, no.
I still want to fix the flab.

I deserve to be free of the oppressive flesh. It reminds me of my addiction and self loathing. It has to go. I want it off me.

What I'm saying is that I refuse to hate myself in the meantime and if I never look like Jessica Alba I will still love myself.

I will love my pocky, saggy, revolting flesh as long as it's still on me.
I will not hate on my body.
It's lived through a lot of illness.
It's carried me to middle age.
I will love it back to life.

As for my media habits, I am going to be more mindful.
I'm going to be aware of my media diet
just like I've become aware of my food intake by logging what I eat on The Daily Plate.
I'm not depriving, I'm tweaking.

How long ago did I give up wheat and dairy?
I've lost track.
It has not been difficult.

What changes have I noticed?
My appetite is way down.
I have to remind myself to eat during the day.
At night I crave less sweets.
There is still a huge box of sugar free ice pops in my freezer. I forgot it was there!
My energy level?
It's better but that could be due to my taking the meds that are prescribed to me to help me focus.
I am napping less.
My sweat smells acidic. I have night sweats. I feel like my body is cleaning itself out.
My calorie intake is down overall.

I think that any time you remove something you need to fill the gap with something else.
I have yet to do that.
I need to be more diligent about juicing.
I have to replenish what's been depleted

inside my body and my head.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...a painful rite of passage..."

Mid-life women look deeply at their maturing faces and respond with honesty, humor, ambivalence and compassion.
Thanks www.letsfaceit.tv!
click here or click below

Blogging is a feminist issue

"What would happen
if one woman told the truth
about her life?
The world would
split open."
- Muriel Rukeyser


"Our feelings,
our experiences,
our examination of them
and the conclusions we draw
are the movement.
And the women's
movement is the hope
of the world."
- Sonia Johnson
in The Metaphysics of Liberation

I turned down the volume of my inner feminist voice because of the anger. Being angry all the time was killing me. I can't live in this world without constantly noticing the injustice, cruelty and systematic oppression of women, animals, children, people who are different (fat, non-white, gay/lesbian or counter culture in any way).

The reminders are constant. The anger was perpetual.
It's been a long time since I've had the strength to deal with social injustice or even acknowledge it.

But the universe is insistent when it comes to enforcing karma. I'm teaching Women in Religion this semester.
I HAVE to read.
I HAVE to prepare for class.
I HAVE to teach from a feminist perspective.
My pendulum needed to swing in this direction and it has.

I reread the Hal Niedzviecki article "Peep Culture" in this month's PLAYBOY (specifically the sections about me). He acknowledges that "peeping" helps us to alleviate loneliness. It makes us feel "better, alive, part of the world." Reading other people's private experiences helps us to see that we're not so freakishly different.

I'd like to take it a step further and say that blogging, allowing myself to be "peeped", is a feminist act. By putting my feelings out there to the world - talking about the abuse I've suffered from doctors and authority figures, the cruelty of fat bashers, the stigma of being single and childless, railing against a corrupt food/diet industry - I'm showing others that the injustices they've noticed are not rare incidents.
Oppression of women is real.

The diet industry is just one of the culprits in this systematic oppression. By convincing us that we're out of control they've made billions of dollars selling us "solutions" to our problems.

How many thousands of dollars have I spent on weight loss surgeries??

I wish getting the information out there regarding food, addictive food additives, biochemical reasons for depression, etc was enough.
It's not.

I had the information when I was 23 years old.
I had books on candida albicans.
I knew about the cruelty and dis-ease caused by factory farming.
I knew about juicing.
I was vegan for a while.

I went to consciousness raising workshops, weekends, classes.
I was in therapy.

Nothing really stuck.
None of it was enough.

What was missing?

The internet.
That's a big one.

Back in the 80's there was no way to connect with just-the-right-kind of folks.
Meetings and support groups were not enough. I usually felt alienated from them for one reason or another.

Sitting here at my computer allows me to connect with pissed off feminists, happy dieters, food activists, yoginis, poets, philosophers, comedians, other bloggers, reiki practitioners, writers from all over the world.
I can actually get the information and support I need.

Blogging allows me to express myself in a way that raising my hand at a meeting and telling a story never could. Blogging lets me get it all out in one shot. No waiting my turn, no listening to others if I don't have the time, no instant judgment or unwanted advice, just me expressing myself.

Not that I'm knocking peer support groups.
My peer support group, Eating and Body Image, helped me to believe I was worthy enough to get help for my eating disorder. But if it weren't for the internet I'm not sure I would have lived to tell my tale.

This is the place I find information AND support.

When walking is a painful chore it's a blessing to be able to connect with the world from the privacy of my little home office.

It's nice to be able to express myself without the fear that some bully will shout me down or crush me under their heel.

Is this a real for women only?
No. Of course not.
But statistically speaking women comprise way more than half the target audience for diet drugs, diet pills, diet programs and weight loss surgeries.

They comprise way more than half my regular readership.

They comprise 100% of my writer-ship.
I am woman hear me blog.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...we're told we don't exist..."
Do you think there's a need for feminism?
Let's see what these people think.
This is part of the documentary "I Was a Teenage Feminist" from
Trixie Films.
click here or click below

eat, drink, laugh, sing

"Accept everything about yourself
- I mean everything.
You are you
and that is the beginning
and the end
- no apologies,
no regrets."
- Clark Moustakas

One little wine spill
turns into an event worthy of the paparazzi!

"EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing..."
- Pamela Redmond Satran

“Women should be
tough,
tender,
laugh as much as possible
and live
long lives”
- Maya Angelou

We had a great time laughing, eating, drinking, talking and mopping up a wine spill with milk and club soda!

Teaching Women in Religion this semester is getting me reacquainted with my womanspirit. I'm remembering how important it is for women to have girl-time, to eat and talk without the prying eyes of the public, to be silly in our pajamas, to have so much fun we lose track of the time.

It's important to spend time with folks who have a high opinion of you, who think you're pretty, who scold you when you berate yourself, who know how to say "good for you!", who appreciate your loving attention to detail, who know how to listen.

Sometimes the balm we need is found in the company of others. I need to remember that when all I want to do is hide out. Accepting a well timed invitation, putting on lounging clothes and hanging out with friends can be an incredible self esteem booster. And it's good, just good in general.

I'm in my second week of teaching this semester. So far so good. I'm organized. I'm planning my lectures well in advance. I'm being careful with my time. I'm getting stuff done.

Working hard makes my leisure time more precious.
It makes me appreciate my planned social time.

I'm taking care of myself with good foods.
I haven't backslid AT ALL on my wheat and dairy ban.
I put myself to bed at a reasonable hour.
I congratulate myself when I get something done.

Today the weather gods rewarded me with a snow day.
I slept in.
And now I'm ready to get some good work done before LOST tonight!

I'll appreciate my evening with friends, food and my favorite show.
I'll appreciate it even more knowing I spent my time wisely.
I care about myself enough to make my life easier by being organized, disciplined with just enough self indulgence to make me feel cared for.

I'm resisting the urge to crawl back into bed
because I know I'll feel better if I stay awake and do some work.

Discipline need not be harsh.
It can be done for the sake of making our lives go more smoothly,
an act of self-care.

Plan work.
Do work.
Plan play.
Play.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I don't like to feel "guilty".
Who does?
Guilt is torture.
Self discipline is kind, friendly, focused.
Enjoy the things you've planned to do!
Just ask Guruka Singh .
click here or click below

alli is a lie

This little booklet fell out of a larger magazine.
It's called "all*you" a booklet to advertize alli diet pills thinly disguised as a mini magazine with happy health tips for a smiling, eating disordered you in 2009! Hooray!

You know alli?
These are the pills that inhibit the absorption of fat and cause uncontrollable anal seepage.
Wow.

Weight loss surgeries, disgusting drugs, dehydrated foods sold for too much money as part of a nationally advertised diet plan?
I can't stand it.

I've had 3 weight loss surgeries.
In 1988 I was one of the first people in the country to have the adjustable gastric band (not a laproscopic operation, a full incision operation).
The band failed.
In 1993 the band had to be replaced (another full incision).
That band failed, too.

In 2006 at nearly 400 pounds I had the band taken down (that's what they call a removal) and had a laproscopic RNY gastric bypass (see video here).

Dear God, was there no help for my eating disorder besides surgery?
No.

Nothing mainstream enough for me to have found help within driving distance of my home.
In-patient eating disorder recovery programs focus on the psychological healing of a person with an eating disorder. They don't deal with the radical nutritional changes needed to make the healing stick.

Diet programs teach you to count calories, restrict portions but do nothing for the mind and soul in the area of recovery.

To help us blame ourselves for our out of control appetites we have drugs like alli that take away the consequences of eating fats by making them seep out our rear ends in our sleep or in the middle of important business meetings.

The alli booklet gives the usual, you're-a-fat-pig-with-no-self-control diet advice such as:

Eat from a salad plate:
Transfer your food from the large plate to the smaller salad plate -- you'll eat less.
or
Bag it before the first bite:
Wrap half your entree in a doggie bag before you start.
or
Downsize portions:
Split meals with a mate.

The booklet is filled with lots of phony exclamation points and smiling, chunky models standing on scales and measuring each other with tape measures.
Ugh.

I wish curing eating disorders was simple.
I wish being healthy were as simple as a prescription and a diet with
Happy HorseShit Tips for Success!!

Phony smiles everyone!!

Bleh.

We don't need to eat smaller portions.
We need to eat bigger portions of good, crisp, fresh foods!
We need to get off the hormone injected, antibiotic stuffed, cruelly slaughtered meat and milk products.
We need to get the corn syrup out of our systems.
We need to detox from refined white, starchy carbs and sugars.

Less food??
Yeah, less of THOSE foods.
Less
Crap foods.
Fast foods.
Canned, processed, corn syrup foods.
Refined no-nutrition carb foods.

Break the cycle of addiction physically AND psychologically and we'll get better.

Nourish MORE not less.

And fats?
Instead of taking alli so our bodies don't absorb the fats from fried foods, slime pizza, fatty porky death meats and snack chips, let's just not eat that stuff.

Baked, grilled, poached, broiled, boiled, steamed foods are more tasty than fried foods anyway.

Slimey pizza is nothing but fat and starch that fills your gut till you're swollen with yeasty dough and you're never actually nourished or full.

Fatty pork? Watch "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome" and tell me you feel the same way about eating pig meat once you realize we could be using them for methane.

Death meat? I'm switching to grass fed, organic, free range meats as soon as I can afford it. In the meantime, I'm going kosher for my meat products.

Snack chips? There are plenty of healthy options made from rice, soy and other grains. Or better yet, snack on crunchy fresh vegetables. They're better for ya.

I had my bypass and I don't regret it. I may not have learned the nuts and bolts of eating disorder recovery had I not taken this route. But wouldn't it be wonderful if there were ways to help people get healthy without surgery and pills?

Eat right and exercise?
Sure.
But how?
and what?

The answers are not between the covers of the latest booklet from alli, that's for sure.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Let's see what Professor Jay has to say about Alli,
the miracle drug that causes poopy pants.
click here or click below

To make the most of time

I remember when I used to glop unnecessary fat on everything.
I used butter like salt.

Even if you're one of those advocates for healthy fats in a person's diet you have to agree that too much fat in a diet is unhealthy. When I hear that 52% of the calories in a Big Mac come from fat I don't need too much convincing that eating fast foods is a bad idea.

Advocates for the Slow Food Movement point out that subsisting on fast foods allows us more time to rush around spending (wasting) our precious time and money on more quick-fix crap that depletes the quality of our lives. If your life is so busy that you don't have time to prepare food then maybe it's time to take a look at the quality of your life.

Is all that rushing really necessary?
What are you rushing to do?
Is your overhead so high that you have to diminish the quality of your life just to make the money to support it?

I'm learning to respect time.
I'm learning to be cautious with my energy.

I'm actually learning how to say 'No' in my own best interest.
For the past year or so I'd been going out to lunch with my mother twice a week, Fridays and Saturdays.
Now that I'm working (part time but almost full time) I told her I would see her on Saturdays only because I teach on Fridays.

She asked me what my weekly schedule is like.
When she found out I had Thursdays off she immediately suggested that we go to lunch on Thursdays (in addition to Saturdays).
I told her 'No'.
I need to be off on Thursdays, completely off.

She rationalized by saying "I guess you'll have all those papers to grade with all your new students."
Ok.
I agreed.
Papers to grade. Right.
If that's what she needs to believe.

Yes, I'll be doing class prep on Thursdays. Technically I DO have time to go to lunch with her, but I wanted to protect my time and energy, so I kept Thursdays for myself.

I love my old mother but she is an energy zapper.
She can't have my Thursdays.
Thursdays are mine.

I told her that the issue of Playboy had come out with me in it.

We were out together. I was driving.
We pulled up in front of the magazine store together. She handed me her wallet and said, "Only buy one magazine!"

Not buy one for me and one for her.
Not buy one to keep and one to show around.
Just Buy One.

Granted, it's a $7 magazine and money is tight, but I was insulted that she had to preface my purchase with that. As if this weren't a special enough occasion to spend an extra $7.

I brought the magazine out to the car and showed her.
She gave a little "wow" when she saw my picture.

I pointed out the two places in the article where my name appeared and my blog and I were quoted.
She started to read aloud, then stopped and asked me if she should continue to read it outloud.
"Sure" I said.

She read it but I could tell she didn't really get what she was reading.
She pronounced Facebook as FACE BACK which was cute.

When she finished reading she said, "Oh, Lis, that's nice" then completely changed the subject to why she wanted a certain brand of yogurt at the grocery store.

She didn't take the magazine home.
She probably won't be bragging about it to anyone.

I wonder if it were Redbook or Ladies Home Journal would her reaction have been different?
I don't know.

It's not Hustler, dammit.

Does it matter that the following were interviewed in Playboy over the years?
Stephen Hawking, Ralph Nader, Jimmy Carter, Salman Rushdie, Gore Vidal, Camille Paglia, Arianna Huffington, John Lennon, Luciano Pavarotti, Steve Jobs, Daniel Ortega, Yasser Arafat, William F. Buckley Jr., Roman Poanksi, John Cassavetes, Tennessee Williams, Walter Cronkite, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Erica Jong, Billie Jean King, Malcom Forbes
...have I named enough folks?

My lady friend came over on Friday to play Scrabble with me. I showed her the article. She read it then looked up at me cautiously. She said she wasn't sure what to say. Then she asked if I was happy about it.

Yes!

Then she said she was happy for me.

I think it's a combination of it being in Playboy and the tone of the article that is confusing people as to how to react.

Last night a young friend of mine read it for the first time and said he thought the writer was an a$$hole but that I handled myself well.

Ok, so it's not a clear cut situation. The writer was critical of me and other bloggers but not scathingly so.

The article is in Playboy but it's not about anything sexy, really.

Unclear or not this is a big deal for me.
This is my first nationl recognition for my work (my really hard work of writing something original every darn day).
I'm truly hoping this can be parlayed into some sort of book deal...or something.
My dream is to be a writer and public speaker (I kinda already am but I mean FOR A LIVING!).
Isn't this the perfect leg up for someone like me?

No, my mother didn't do cartwheels.
I'm not sure how my father will react.
I'll probably open the magazine and show him the pictures and the article before I reveal that it's Playboy just to see if I get some sort of validation from him before he scoffs.

So...yeah.
Time is precious.
And Thursdays are mine.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Fibromyalgia?
Neurological disorders?
A reader alerted me to "Sweet Misery: A Poisoned World" about the evils of artificial sweetener.
Try bringing this up to a physician. More than likely s/he'll scoff, laugh or refuse to admit that what you put in your mouth has anything to do with your symptoms.
That's why we have to get smart and stop poisoning ourselves.
If we wait for validation from the medical community we might die before we can save ourselves.
Thanks, oneangrytoast.
click here or click below

feel anger and pity, really

"Where did we ever get the idea
that to admit anger and rage
- even in the face of injustice -
is unChristian?
Certainly not from Jesus,
who threw the money changers
out of the temple
and who called the corporate lawyers
and establishment preachers of his day
"broods of vipers"
and
"tombs with a coat of whitewash.'"
- Theology in the Politics of Appalachian Women
by Sheila Collins

I say unto you this day that ye shall express your anger clearly, firmly, without blaming so as to advocate for your own needs and develop your own voice or else that anger-energy will find another way to express itself.

You may end up turning your anger inward and making yourself sick.
Don't do that.

Why did I pick the Sheila Collins quote for today? The book, an anthology called WomanSpirit Rising, is one I'm using to teach Women in Religion this semester. The book was next to my computer. I opened it randomly and chose the first line I saw, figuring the universe would speak to me. It would send me what I needed to write about today. I guess the universe wanted me to blog about how to express anger without feeling bad about ourselves.

So many of us are afraid to disturb the status quo. We don't want to upset anyone. We don't want to be the downer who ruins someone's good time. We don't want to make a scene.

We let people take advantage of us or put us down in public. We let professionals bully us in the name of their expertise and at the expense of our having confidence in our own experience. Someone gets stern or raises their voice at us and we cower.

There are consequences for our silence and we're the ones who suffer them. We develop physical and/or psychological illnesses that can cost us our very lives (or drastically compromise the quality of our lives).

I think we need to stand up for ourselves more effectively if we're ever going to get better as individuals, as a gender, as a species and as a planet. Women need to say, "I'm not comfortable with that," at the very least. They need to say, "Something about this does not feel right to me. I need a moment to process this," rather than shrug something off because we're afraid to rock the boat.

I know how I feel in the moment when someone is treating me unfairly. I panic. I freeze up. I giggle nervously. I make light of it. I change the subject. I take the blame. I become silent for fear of bursting into tears.

I'm polite, too polite. I'm so afraid of the other person's further disapproval that I just back down. I do what Dr. Harriet Lerner calls "de-selfing". I'll let someone bully me so as not to be an unlikable complainer.

Sheesh.
At 44 years old I'm still learning the basics of how to be a person out in the world?
Yeah, I guess so.
I guess that's the karma I have to work out for myself, if not in this life, I'll be stuck working it out in the next and I don't want to look forward to THAT in my cosmic future.

I was looking at my upper thighs in the mirror yesterday.
Talk about a world of hurt.
Cellulite pocks.
Elephantine sagging skin.
Measley looking scars from picking at my skin whenever my hands are free.
It looked truly ugly.
Sickly.
Damaged by a one person war.

Looking at my upper thigh war zone I felt sorry for myself.

We don't allow ourselves to do that do we? Self pity is always regarded as horribly self indulgent. We always deny it. We say "I'm not feeling sorry for myself..." when it may be the very thing we need to feel. Sorry.

Sorrow.
To feel sorrow for what one has lived through.
To say to our self "I'm sorry you had to live through that hurt," or "I'm sorry I hurt you that way" can be the powerful emotion that frees us to have true compassion for ourselves.

Self mutilation and eating disorders are acceptable but some well deserved, well placed self pity is not??

Think about that.
What does it mean to have pity on someone?
Pity = feeling of sympathy at the misfortune or suffering of someone or something; something regrettable.
Wow.
Are we really withholding pity from ourselves when we truly, deeply need it?

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself" shouts the critical, demon voice in our head.

"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!" is what we should feel justified in shouting back.

Need a pity party?
Throw one for yourself.
Don't invite anyone else.
No one is allowed to crash your pity party.

Feel compassion for your self.
Feel tender sorrow for your hurt.
Don't let society's hardass intolerance of pity stop you from having mercy, compassion, empathy and pity for yourself.

Feel pity.
Feel kindness.

Feel that you deserve to be treated with decency and respect.
If being bullied gets you too choked up to fight for yourself, then excuse yourself.
Extricate yourself from harm's way.

Self destruction is socially acceptable but some healthy self pity is not?
Bull crap.

Be good to yourself.
You deserve it.

Hear that, self?
You deserve it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller Tweeted about this commercial the other day.
He said it made him cry. (I don't know if he was being sarcastic or not.)
It gave me chills.
I love stuff like this!
Enjoy.
click here or click below

food related problems

"I've tried to stop it.
I thought when I got my stomach done,
it would 'cure' it. It hasn't.
It just means I can't eat as much.
I still binge.
If I'm under stress,
I hit the biscuits and the crisps
and the bread.
I cram it in
- eat, eat, eat -
until I physically can't get
any more into my body.
The food is piled up to my throat.
Then I have to go and be sick.
I don't even have to make myself sick.
It's automatic."

She is defensive.
There is a passionate outburst
about how
"half the women on
this bloody planet
have eating disorders but
nobody bloody talks about it".
- Sharon Osborne

Oh, Sharon, I'll talk about it.
I'll talk about eating disorders and global karma in the same breath.

We FEEL the suffering in the world.
We know there are people going hungry, children dying, mothers unable to feed their kids.
That anxiety is contributes to our impulse to overeat.

On a cellular level we feel the global injustice of hunger
in a world where there is plenty of food.
Half the women on the planet with eating disorders?
Yeah.
That's what happens when we turn our anger inward,
when we stuff our anxiety into ourselves
with guilt and displeasure.

I don't think that's the ONLY explanation for how eating disorders develop in women. But I do believe that our karma as a race has something to do with the way illness manifests in our individual bodies.

It's so funny that folks who've never struggled with an eating disorder or body image issues judge WLS patients as being gluttons who stuff ourselves for pleasure.
Pleasure had nothing to do with it.

When I was binge eating I didn't taste my food.
I felt the greasy slimy texture of it.
I tasted the sugar and salt.
Mostly I sought the over-full feeling it gave me.
I wanted to be stuffed, paralyzed and sick.

Pleasure?
No.
Eating disorders have nothing to do with indulging ourselves for pleasure.

Sometimes I get a nasty comment on my YouTube videos calling me names, telling me I'm a pig for getting so fat and that my situation is all my fault (fault is different than responsibility...I am responsible but I refuse to be blamed...get the difference?)
or the latest jerk who told me I deserved to die in the name of natural selection, that my life was a detriment to all the "normal" people out there.

Wow.
I didn't even know there WAS such a thing as "normal",
but now I know for sure there are jerks in the world.

Osborne talked about getting her stomach "done" and hoping it would cure her eating disorder.
That's not how it works, especially with the lap band. She says, "You throw up ... then you eat more."

Throwing up then eating more is exactly what I did when I had the gastric band (I call it the gastric band NOT the lap band since they did a full incision for my initial surgery in 1988 AND a full incision for my band revision back in 1993 when they had to put a whole new band in).

The gastric band restricted my eating.
I learned nothing about nutrition.
I did nothing to recover from my eating disorder.
I ate. I puked. I ate again.
Life was hellish.

I'm willing to talk about all of it.
The good,
the bad,
the ugly,
the pukey
and
the hope that we can heal as a planet, as a race, as a gender, as a group of post-ops, as whatever we see ourselves as.

I wonder how Sharon Osborn is doing in therapy?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I really want to see this movie but I KNOW I won't be able to handle the animal cruelty.
It's a shame that our world is so out of balance.
The factory farm slaughterhouse has plenty to do with it.
The irresponsibility of government that allows children to die of hunger has plenty to do with it.
People in developed countries with eating disorders are a symptom of our world's unbalance.
Ugh.
Too many food related problems.
I hope we can change.
click here or click below

self valley date

Yeah, another plug about me being in PLAYBOY this month.
Why?
Being quoted, by blog and interview, was validating.
I have such a hard time acknowledging myself for anything.

It's so rare that I'll allow anything into my head about myself that's actually positive.

Looking at that cover with Bridget, my little animal loving two masters degree having girl next door, makes it real. I was acknowledged for MY WORK in a national (legendary) magazine.

One of my girlfriends (pictured with me on page 58) said I deserved the recognition
because I am responsible with my blog and diligent about doing it everyday.

Thank you.
Thank you for noticing.

Some of you faithful readers tell me good things and because of my positive regard for YOU I'll believe what you say, not because it resonates with me as true about myself but because I think too highly of you to believe you're lying.

Yeah, I've got self esteem issues.
I could develop more confidence in myself.
But I don't let my issues stop me.

This semester I was so reluctant to prepare for my classes during the break. My self doubt paralyzed me. I was barely able to get my act together. But once I MET my new students, everything fell into place. They became real to me. My responsibility to teach them became concrete.

I met them for the first time and immediately loved them.
So of course I'm going to work hard to give them something of value.
I got my syllabi together.
I used my prep time more responsibly.
I made my commitment and I intend to meet it.

If not for me then for them.
There's nothing wrong with letting other people pull you up out of the sludge. I don't always have to do it on my own.

I know it's not healthy to let other people define you, but that doesn't mean we have to be so isolated that we don't ever let other people contribute to us.

I'm looking for that balance between being independent and relational.
Maybe in this lifetime I'll find it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Who doesn't love a nice Irish brogue?
He says it's simply a decision to give ourselves approval FOR NO REASON AT ALL!
Say "I love you" to yourself.
Wow.
Thanks, Peter Murphy!
click here or click below

binges that go BLOOP!

“You are the only person
on earth
who can use your
ability.”
- Zig Ziglar

Walking around on my new campus makes me feel like part of the world again.
Whether I want to be part of the world or not, I've made a commitment and I'm going to do my best to fulfill it...despite urges to sabotage myself.

The demon voice that tells me I'm not good enough will not win.
I will shout it down.
I will train it to be small and weak.
I may even have it evicted if I can.

My urges to overeat will not keep me from doing my job(s).
Anxiety will not compel me to eat myself sick.

I am no longer a slave to the highs and lows of my wheat and dairy allergy (self diagnosed).
Surprisingly, getting off the wheat and dairy was easy.
I have had no cravings.
I walk past the bread aisle in the grocery store with no problem.
Even the bakery section with those fabulous whole grain loaves don't bother me.
I don't miss my Chocolate Underground yogurt because I've switched to the soy version.

Pretzels no longer torment me.

The closest thing to a binge happened last night while I was (anxiously) watching LOST. I ate 8 caramel flavored rice cakes. Probably because I was anxious and eating automatically. Also because, having no appetite, I didn't really eat all day. I just wasn't hungry during the day. Failing to eat all day is a great way to cause an evening binge.

Realizing what I was in the middle of with the rice cakes, I went to the kitchen and made myself a giant salad, no dressing.

No dressing?
Right.
Here's how.

At the salad bar in Shop right I loaded up my container with bean sprouts, three bean salad, bruschetta mix (I skimmed it from the top so as to avoid unnecessary oil), sliced red peppers and egg whites. I threw all of that on top of Spring Mix salad. Added salt and pepper and yummy! Nice, salty, crunchy, satisfying food of which I could eat as much as I want with no negative consequences.

Problem solved.
I have to eat during the day whether I want to or not
and always have a yummy, raw food snack on hand when watching LOST!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Islands that go BLOOP??
Who can blame me for being anxious!
click here or click below

defeat the nagging voice (war on inner terror)

"Community colleges play an important role
in helping people
transition between careers
by providing the retooling they need
to take on a new career."

Barack Obama

Big change yesterday, for the world AND for me.
I'm back in the work force for another semester.

I'm teaching at 3 schools this spring.
I must have faith in myself.

I must have had faith in myself to have taken on the positions
and
I must continue to have faith in myself as an instructor, worker, thinker, communicator and all that goes with the blessed vocation of enriching young minds.

To prepare, I'm enriching my own.
No, not with the subject matter. I've studied plenty.
I'm enriching my mind with positive thoughts, positive intentions, positive self talk.

Walking around the new campus yesterday helped to clear some of the bats out of my mental plumbing.
It got my blood pumping.
It made me feel like part of the world.

When I couldn't find the elevator I had to fight my inner demon as I walked up two flights of steep cement steps. The defeating voice nagged at me, "You're out of shape...you're too fat to climb stairs...you can't do it, go find the elevator..."

I fought it.
I drowned it out with, "Yes you can!" "Yes, yes, keep going. You can do it!"

It's so funny how those self defeating voices work.
They run on automatic.
They're in my head but they invade my thoughts as if they're coming from the outside. I have to intentionally shout them down inside my head.

I have to create NEW automatic voices.

I've been trying to do that for years.
It's still a fight.
It may be a fight that continues for a few more years until my automatic voices learn to tell me
I'm capable
worthy,
smart,
good,
....my eyes just welled up with tears as I typed those positive words.
That's how sensitive I am when it comes to changing my self image.
It hurts to hear good things about myself from myself.

If I can figure out how to think well of myself I can save my students YEARS of suffering. I can be an example for them. It's not just a battle for my own peace of mind, it's a battle won so others won't have to fight so hard. They can put they're warrior energy into being creative and saving the world.

I have not eaten wheat or dairy since....when did I start that?
A few days ago?

I feel fine.
Less foggy.
Less tired.

My appetite?
Cut in half!

No late night super-munchies.
No cravings.
No impulse to snack on salty carbs.

That's a good thing.
I need to tell myself that I did a good thing.
Going to my new job yesterday?
A good thing.

That nagging voice in my head wants to ruin it for me.
It says I should have given up wheat and dairy when I was in my 20's when I first read about how bad they were for a body like mine.
It says I should have had a better first lecture prepared.

OH SHUT UP!

Nagging voice, you are as bad as a bag of cheez doodles.
Go F**k yourself!
SHHHHHH!!!!
You will not defeat me!

I'm good enough to do what I do.
Just because there's room for improvement doesn't mean I'm a failure.

I'm good at what I do.
(writing that shouldn't hurt but it does).

I pray as I walk out the door every morning,
God, make me good, make me effective, get my kids to class safely, let me have a positive effect on my students, let me make a difference in the world.

God wouldn't ignore a prayer like that.

I'm going to be ok.
(ouch).

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Selfishly (I'm happy to hear Judeo-Christian prayers cuz that's my tradition, so I'm sorry if anyone felt left out) I enjoyed the invocation yesterday.
Even if you don't pray, at least acknowledge that an invocation invokes intentions!
God bless our new president.
God bless this world.
God bless this life.
click here or click below

Happy Change Day

"If you're walking down the right path
and you're willing to keep walking,
eventually you'll make progress."
Barack Obama

Plenty of people are excited today.
A new president means new possibilities.

I wish I could join in their excitement, but
I'm a little worried.

Our expectations are so high.
We think this man is some kind of savior.

Now, I am a person who believes that expecting good things helps good things to come about.
But I'm also a person who believes we need to DO something to usher in good things.
We cannot leave it all up to him.

Thinking positive is a start.
Acting positive is an essential next step.

Obama does not have magical powers.

Sure, big sweeping change is happening today,
but what's our plan once the initial excitement wears off?

It reminds me of every New Year's resolution I've ever heard. Folks bite off more than they're willing to chew then they're stuck spitting out the huge chunk of unchewed meat.

Change takes work.
It takes digging.
It hurts to face one's self. It's hard to take responsibility for years of unhealthy actions.

It's more than just taking on a new gym membership and talking yourself into going.
Trust me on that one.
I've been down that road.

Change doesn't last when it's done that way.

Take this study for instance...

"An important study from the University of California
divided 82 obese women into two groups.
One group received traditional diet advice,
and the other received suggestions
about how to improve health and well-being....
The dieting group significantly
increased their physical activity at first,
but slipped back to initial levels
by the end of the study....
Dieters lost 5.2 percent of their initial weight
in the first 24 weeks
but regained almost all of it
by the end of the study."
- Dr. Abby's Diet Revolution

The dieting group exercised more, counted calories, ate less and then lapsed back to their old habits which led them to regain all their weight.

The Health At Every Size group did the HARD WORK of accepting themselves in the present. They learned size acceptance. They learned to love themselves enough to take care of themselves just as they are.
Good food.
Fun, refreshing movement.
Result?
They got healthier.

The dieting group deprived themselves of food and punished themselves with exercise. It worked in the short term. In the long term they ended up back where they started with damaged self-esteem and a strain on their hearts from gaining and losing weight.

Change.
It's such an exciting word.

We do it every New Year.
We make those pledges that this year will be different.
We change for 3 weeks then fall right back into our old habits.
Nothing changed.

I've learned that change happens in increments.
Grand, sweeping change rarely works when it comes to changing our habits.
We have to chip away little by little to carve out something new.
We have to change our mindset.
We cannot change if we think who we are in the present is disgusting.

Our attempts at change have to include acceptance of ourselves as we are before we can explore our potential to develop.

Today our new president takes office.
Things won't change overnight.
It will take work.

We will have to be patient.
We will have to pay attention to our own
contributions to what is and what can be.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*

Uncontrollable urges to eat sugar,
white flour and fat are due to a physical addiction.
Going off the stuff causes withdrawals - actual physical symptoms - like agitation, depression, urges, cravings, restlessness, rashes and lapses.
This is not weakness of character.
It's a biochemical situation that can be corrected
with work,
patience
and incremental change!
We all have the skills to defeat our addictions.
Says the author of "Weight Loss: How to Keep Your Commitment".
click here or click below

deluded?

"What is this DRIVE I have to be
some bad-ass rock-star celebrity?"
she writes.
"I don't know why I want more.
I just do."
So Sargese has gone from
just wanting to reach out
to others to believing she
may be the next Oprah...

...She tells me her ultimate aim is to look "hot"
and achieve stardom as a self-help guru.
I ask her if maybe she isn't deluding herself a bit.
After all, there's a big difference
between being encouraged
by a small group of ardent readers
with a like-minded worldview
and believing you're destined for fame...

She is unruffled by the question:
"Even if I'm deluding, if it perpetuates the delusion
that people can be rich, famous and successful,
that may give them the inspiration to continue doing it.
Just by thier persistence they will succeed."
But persistence doesn't always succeed.
Ask the millions of bloggers
who post daily in anonymity..."-
- Hal Niedzviecki in Feb Playboy '09

He left out the part of the interview when he asked me if I think that I'm special.
I said, "No."
I told him there's nothing special about me except that I'm willing to write about this publicly.

But now, with "weight loss surgery blogs" popping up all over the place, I guess I'm not that special at all. Lots of folks are writing about their experiences.
Since I began blogging back in 2006 there has been a dramatic increase in gastric bypass and lap band blogs.

So, I guess if he asked me that same question today, I would have a different answer.
Now I DO feel the need to distinguish myself from other bloggers.

What makes my blog different?
Hmmm.

I guess the difference is I'm willing to talk about addiction recovery in the same breath as weight loss surgery. Perhaps the WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) industry (and it IS an industry) offers a fat loss solution for folks who have had difficulty taking off weight. Traditional diets have not worked for them. With co-morbidities like diabetes, apnea, joint disease, heart problems etc., WLS offers a solution to increase the odds that a patient will succeed.
Weight loss is the focus of the industry and its blogs.

Most WLS bloggers talk about their struggles with eating less,
eating within the post-op guidelines,
exercise and support they're getting (or not getting)
as they embark on their weight loss journey.
And that's cool!
I'm glad people are using blogging as a tool for success.

But as an author and speaker I feel the need to offer something deeper than usual.
As a person I need something deeper too. This is not just about taking off the weight.

For me weight loss is a great side effect of overcoming my severe eating disorder.
Addiction recovery involving psychological change and a radical biochemical overhaul - changing what I eat for the purpose of biological transformation (wherein I no longer want certain foods) - is more difficult to find if not totally absent from most (if not all) daily blogs on post-op life.

Google around.
You'll find blogs on recovery.
You'll find blogs about depression.
There are blogs on eating disorders.
There are plenty of blogs on WLS.
Clean eating blogs are out there.

Susan Powter's community offers a feminist perspective on eating, moving and social justice issues tied to food. She comes the closest to what I talk about. She's covered the way food helps or hinders addiction recovery but WLS talk is nearly absent.

So, yeah.
Maybe I am special.
Not "better" than anyone else in the blogosphere, just more comprehensive when it comes to the way weight loss surgery, obesity, eating disorders, mental processes, food and self image tie in to an intention to be healthy.

Hey, I may not be the next Oprah, but a few books on the New York Times Bestseller list?
Not so far fetched.

Like I said the other day, delusions of grandeur that turn out to be correct may as well be called premonitions, right?

I want to get well and help others get well and stay well.
The karma tied to that is good.
Why wouldn't it help me succeed?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Skeptics don't believe you can "get" stuff just by thinking about it.
They're right. You can't.
It takes more work than that.
You have to think, feel, imagine and act in the positive.
Thinking "not sick" is different from thinking "well, healthy, energetic".
If you're hunched over from the weight of your doubts, shake them off.
Make room to carry something else.
Here's David Riklan of SelfGrowth.com with a 5 minute course in The Law of Attraction.
click here or click below

Peep Culture Diva

"Consider the case
of New Jersey blogger Lisa Sargese.
She writes an excruciatingly detailed blog
about her life before and after
gastric bypass surgery.
Here's a sample:
'Most people stand in the shower.
I did not.
Holding my body upright
was a workout I could not sustain.
Instead, I sat on the edge of the tub
with the shower curtain tucked under me
to keep the shower water inside the tub.'
Sargese tells me she started blogging
because she wanted to tell the truth
about her lonely, isolating life.
As she writes in her blog,
'Sometimes knowing that we're not alone
with our weird habits
or our uncomfortable feelings
makes us less ashamed.'"
- from Hal Niedzviecki's "Peep Culture"
in PLAYBOY Feb 2009

I am stunned, flattered, thrilled and surprised.
I'm not sure why he chose that particular quote from my blog
(the one about sitting in the shower).

If he wanted an example of something excruciatingly personal he could have chosen the blog post where I talk about sh*tting myself in a hospital bed (click here) or
the one where an abusive doctor mouth f*cked me
with an endoscope with no anesthesia (click here) or
the day I wrote about petting my cats while sitting on the toilet (click here)
or even the one about self mutilation (click here).

Something about the shower-sitting got to him.
And now it's in Playboy for all to read.
Well, not all.
For the folks who actually DO read the articles...lol.

Hal mentions me and quotes me in two sections of the article (pages 58 and 59).
There's also a screen cap of my blog with two pictures of me (one where my dear friend from grammar school is hugging me from behind so now she's semi-famous too (click here).

Folks MUST be reading the article cuz my blog is getting mad hits!

When I first read the article I felt like crap.
Not because of anything he said about me (he wasn't all that critical of me) but because he's such a damn good writer.
Like a grown up, honest to goodness, talented journalist.
God, what does it take to be that kind of writer?
Talent, of course.
Practice, I guess.
Reading a whole lot, probably.

I panicked for a bit thinking I'd never get published.
I consoled myself that self-publishing is just as good as "really" being published.
I tried to tell myself that my writing was good in its way.

Then I remembered all the "ok" books I had read in my lifetime.
I recalled the barely high school level writing of some books that had made the best seller list (take for instance Khaliah Ali's book "Fighting Weight" or Kathy Ireland's "Powerful Inspirations").

They're enjoyable to read.
They reach people.
They sold tons of copies in their time but they're not examples of polished journalism.
They're simply honest.

They get their message across without the deftness of journalistic talent.
Then they sell tons of copies.
The mainstream public likes stuff that's easy to read.

So what if I'm not the greatest writer?
Maybe it's enough that I'm honest.

Then I played with the idea of shopping a book proposal around to some literary agents.
Being quoted in Playboy (my blog and by personal interview!) is gotta be good for something, right?

Let's see if I have the gumption.

Talent optional.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Khalia Ali had the lap band (same thing I had in 1988 only it was done by full incision NOT laproscopically). She lost close to 200 pounds. Now she is having the excess skin cut off her abdomen. Nice of her to let us into the hospital room with her.
Don't worry. When it's time for me to have it done, I'll show you the before and after pics/vids.
After all, I am excruciatingly detailed in my exhibitionism!
Kahali was beautiful then and is beautiful now.
I hope she feels that way.
click here or click below

I'M IN PLAYBOY!!

PLAYBOY February 2009

"Peep Culture" by
Hal Niedzviecki
dissects the impact of blogs,
social networks
and reality TV
and explains what you should know
about a world in which
everyone is a star.

I wondered why my blog readership miraculously doubled yesterday.
I thought maybe because I had posted late, folks were making multiple visits over the course of the day to see
if I had blogged (not everyone knows how to subscribe in a reader).

But I think...
it's possible...
it may just be time for...
the February issue of PLAYBOY to hit the stands!!

And guess whose blog is mentioned (possibly even criticized!!)

Yep.
Mine.

Oh, that scamp Hal Niedzviecki probably ripped into me for being an attention whore,
for setting a bad example for folks who might blog in my footsteps but aren't ready for unexpected psuedo-fame,
for talking about my family in a (sometimes) negative light,
for having delusions of grandeur (if one DOES eventually become grand, what happens to the delusions of grandeur? Do they become premonitions of grandeur??)

I dunno.
I haven't read it yet.
I'm not sure he'll be entirely negative.
Maybe he tosses me a compliment in there somewhere.
I'll have to go buy a copy of Playboy, you know, for the articles.

Gosh, I've been talking about this since 2007!
Now the time has finally come.

***
I just took a little break so I could cry.
Just a little hip-hip happy, excited, sobby cry
to usher in a new wave of possibility.

Remember how I blogged about being a writer for a living?
I've been fantasizing about the writer's life.
I've been imagining what it feels like (important if you're a practitioner of The Secret)
to bring in a living from my writing with the semi-regular, well-timed public talk/workshop/lecture/show so I can connect with people.

Writing that just now reminded me of how, back in August 2006, the summer of my bypass surgery, I imagined what it would feel like to be able to blog ONCE A WEEK!
Yep.
That was my goal back then, to blog WEEKLY!
I mean,
I can't imagine life without my DAILY blogging.
I'd miss it terribly if I had to stop.
I may never stop.

What I'm pointing to is how small I was thinking, how wanting to blog once a week led me to blog every blessed day.
So, now my goal is to make a living as a writer with the occasional public speaking gig?
Why is my vision so small?

Just like August 2006 I'm basing my goals on my current capacities, my current energy level.
What I forgot to anticipate back then was an increase in energy as I became healthier.

Same as I'm doing now.
I think I only have energy for daily writing and the occasional talk.
But I have more energy than that.
I'm even healthier than I was two days ago!

Tuesday I will begin my daily, yes daily, lecturing.
I'll be teaching Religion and Psychology at three different colleges.
My greatest fear was that I'd have no energy.

I'm less worried now.
I'm on my third day of NO WHEAT
and
NO DAIRY.

I just found a store that carries chocolate O'Soy non-dairy yogurt.
I'm well stocked on rice cakes.
I've got a few days worth of yellow bell peppers in the fridge.
I had mostly chicken for breakfast.

I can do this.

Yesterday?
I didn't even nap.
I tried, but wasn't tired enough.

Looks like I've got more going for me than I imagined.

God, infinite provider, center of divine light, impart to me the energy to help myself and others. Make me better than I can even imagine.
Amen.

Now, go buy the February issue of Playboy!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Posture is not just the way we sit or stand, it's the way we comport ourselves in life.
Are we open and allowing things to move in and out.
Are we compressing our organs, our imaginations, our hearts, our minds?
Christopher Gurerriero is talking about the physical necessity of good posture in a way that
makes us understand why we need to sit up straight!
But I'd like to add that we need to think straight too.
We need to stop compressing our bodies, hearts and minds!
click here or click below

Puke story

Emetophobics beware!

"I did not have to diet
for the first 6 yrs (after the WLS),
because I did nothing but
vomit,
sometimes up to 20 times a day.
On bad days I would even throw up water...


...in the 80's the pressure was on
that if anything
was going wrong for anyone (WLS post ops),
they were either blamed for it
- not chewing properly always seems to be quoted-
or were cautioned to keep
their problems `under wraps`...

Feeling ashamed of any problems,
for fear of being blamed
for causing them themselves,
or of feeling a failure,
people did not tend to let others know
what was really going on with them.
No long term post ops were `available`
- hardly surprising, given that long term research,
then as now, is not generally being released.
Lots of things are `going wrong`
for people every day after WLS
that may not be reported."
- Sandra's Story
on Obesity Surgery Information Center

Before I talk about how I'm doing on Day Two of NO WHEAT and NO DAIRY
let me tell you about what a tough sonofab*tch I am, that is, polite society's version of
a tough sonofab*tch.

The bypass makes your stomach sensitive. All of us (banded or bypassed or other WLS) are sensitive to different things.
For instance Melting Mama eats lots of bacon with no problems (well, no obvious problems...no immediate digestive problems). Not only can I not eat bacon (I get terribly nauseated) but even smelling it cooking makes me gag.

I'm not even sure what I ate that didn't sit well in my baby stomach but on a recent trip into NYC I was terribly carsick. Even though I was sitting in the front passenger seat I felt like a dog trying to stand up in a moving vehicle, wobbling back and forth unable to gain my bearings.

We inched through the Lincoln Tunnel in bumper to bumper traffic. With each jolt forward I got sicker and sicker.

We were on our way to dinner at a fancy private art club so I really wanted to eat when I got there, but with my stomach getting queasier and queasier all I could anticipate was running out of the car, dashing into the marble ladies room and yakking up my....coffee was it? Whatever it was, it wanted OUT of my body.

We drove, slowly and I imagined my ladies' room release.
When we emerged from the tunnel I was getting that inside of the mouth burny mouth-watering feeling that you get just before you spew. My dinner companion was busy driving and telling stories. I sat silently fighting my nausea, my mouth watering.

I debated opening the car door at the next traffic light and pretending just to spit while actually unloading a giant wave from my addled gut.

No. I didn't want to draw attention to myself with such an unspeakably vulgar act. I wanted to handle this discreetly.

My mind raced with options. I could ask that he pull over and let me out. I could run out of his sight and yak on the side walk, blot my face and run back to the car. Yes. That was a good plan, but it was too late.

My stomach lurched and unloaded it's acidic contents which I deftly caught in my mouth.
You read that right.
I puked and held it in my own mouth.
I did it so silently, my companion did not notice.

Ok, the puking portion of my emergency was over.
I held it in my mouth like a trooper.
Now what?

It was either open the car door and let it go on the pavement or swallow it.
I elected to swallow it,
but my stomach wasn't ready to take it back.
I had to burp first.

How.
How does a person burp with a mouth full of puke?
Very carefully.

I burped and let the burp out through my nose, still holding the vomit in my mouth.
That should be considered a frikken art form.
Burping, holding it in my mouth then burping past it?
I feel as talented as Sully doing an emergency water landing ;-)

Having made room in my stomach by burping, I was now able to swallow the mouth-temperature vomit. Gulp. Down it went. It slid down and disappeared into my digestive tract without incident.

I resumed conversation as if nothing happened.

What makes me bring this up? (no pun intended, OH!)

This incident is just ONE of the miserable events in the life of a WLS post-op.
Consider carefully whether you need this surgery or not.

When I was considering the surgery, I felt so desperate, so overwhelmed.
I would have done anything to interrupt the cycle of binge/purge binge/pass out/binge.
The surgery got me off the binge cycle and on track to better health.

BUT, I may have an epiphany on the horizon, an epiphany that
could save thousands of people the pain of WLS.

What if that overwhelmed compulsion to overeat was the result of a severe food allergy?

Stay with me here.

I'm not discounting the VERY REAL chronic depression and anxiety I've felt since ...since...forever.
I'm not saying I didn't have an eating disorder, a very real, very dangerous binge eating disorder,
I did.

I'm not overlooking my self-mutilation disorder (I dig and gouge my skin with my own fingernails).
All my psychiatric ailments are very real, painful and real.
Real symptoms, real disorders.

BUT....and everyone loves a big BUTT....
what if there's some underlying cause?
and what if that cause can be fixed??

Chemical imbalances don't just happen.
Sure, we can be born that way.
Sure they can be forged by traumatic experiences and various coping behaviors that solidify the way our brain hardware works.
I get it.

But even way out chemical imbalances can be yanked back into balance.
My belief in karma and our body's innate intelligence - our predisposition for wellness - that makes me believe that we CAN be well no matter how sick we seem.

Finding the underlying causes of our outbreaks, symptoms and ailments is a great place to start.
And when I say "underlying" I mean deep,
deep down biochemical and psychological causes.

IF I get clear eyed and clear headed,
if I suddenly drop a bunch of stubborn weight,
if my energy miraculously comes back,
if I feel generally better
from giving up wheat and dairy,
I'M GOING TO FU**ING FLIP MY SH*T!!

I will rage around like a frothed up,
pissed off, human incarnation of Kali, slashing and burning as I go!

I'll trash every f**cked up industry that perpetuates the sickness of millions of people.
I'll be Susan Powter's east coast twin.

So, how am I doing with my no wheat and dairy project?
My last slice of bread and scoop of cottage cheese was yesterday morning.

I have since bought Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese, YoSoy Yogurt, rice cakes, $20 worth of yellow peppers, oatmeal, celery and stuff to help me with the transition.

I had lunch today with my mother at an Italian buffet.
They had minestrone soup.
I picked around the mini pasta in the soup.
I did not take any bread.
I did not take any pasta.

After lunch?
Even though I'm fighting a cold/sore throat, I was clear headed and rather perky.

Usually I come home and nap.
Not today.
Even though I'm sick I don't feel like I have to nap.
I don't feel that oppressive tiredness.

I'm also being more diligent about vitamins, iron supplements and consistency with my meds.
That's helping.

We'll see what happens as I avoid wheat and dairy.
I'm hoping for good things.

If you want to know every blessed morsel I put into my mouth on a daily basis
please check out my daily food log on The Daily Plate (click here)
My ID is BelovedIdeas

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Mothers of the world, rise up!!
Jenny McCarthy is raging around like Kali because of the way the medical community is disclaiming her "anecdotal" evidence that she cured her son's autism with a wheat, gluten and dairy free diet.
Now this mother, Annette Martinsen, cured her son's dyspraxia with a
gluten free, dairy free, vegan diet.
Ok, how many stories do we need to hear
before we believe that the traditional sugary, wheaty, chemically,
American, shit diet is KILLING US!?
I may have a story to tell.
Stay tuned.
Click here or click below

get that sparkle back

Do you want to

Lose and control weight?
Manage food allergies and intolerances?
Increase your energy?
Feel better and look better?
- WheatandDairyFree.com

I'm not getting too deeply into the science of it (I've read enough).
I'm not going to do extensive reading on it (I kinda already have).
I'm definitely not going to be talked out of it.

It's time to go wheat and dairy free.
Why?
I feel like crap.
While I'm waiting for mainstream medicine to figure out what's wrong with me (and gambling that they'll find nothing) I'm going to take my health into my own hands.

My first worry is
Where will I get my carb fix?
What will I eat for snacks?

Let's face it, a bag of pretzels costs much less than a plate of sliced fresh peppers.
My homemade tamari almond habit is $7 a pop.
How will I afford it?

One thing I'm counting on is being less hungry.
If I eat less, it will cost less.

When I eat pasta, I'm never satisfied. I always want more.
I eat till I'm bloated, spacey and I feel like I'm going to pass out.

When I eat protein - deli turkey, lean meats - I fill up quickly and I don't crave more.
I experience actual satiety.

Having a decreased appetite will help keep the cost down.

My other worry is my yogurt habit.
I LOVE Stonyfield Farm Chocolate Underground Yogurt (Fat free).
It's my Go-To dessert.
I'll need to replace it.
A girl's gotta have her chocolate!

Gluten free.
Dairy free.
Wheat free.
Ok, I can hack it.

Caffeine free?
Not ready for that.

Sugar free?
I'm not big on sugary stuff, but being more mindful will help me avoid refined sugar.
It CAN sneak into things (high fructose corn syrup and such).

I'll finish out what I have in the house (bread, cottage cheese, cereal, egg beaters) and not buy the stuff any more.

I'll read labels more carefully.

TheDailyPlate helped me to believe I could do this.
Keeping track of my food intake every day,
morsel for morsel,
has shown me what I'm capable of when it comes to making better food choices.

I'm actually losing weight again.
Just by being mindful,
I'm eating less.
I don't feel restricted.
I don't feel oppressed by a diet.
I don't feel deprived.
I'm not really TRYING to eat less, it's coming naturally.

My calorie consumption is on the decline
and I'm not even counting calories!
The website does it for me.

All I'm doing is being honest about what I'm eating.

As long as I'm being honest, and it's coming fairly easily to me,
I might as well make a radical change that could give me that sparkle in my eye once again.

This might not be that difficult of a change.

Instead of pasta = brown rice
Instead of yogurt = soy pudding or soy yogurt
Instead of bread = spelt or gluten/wheat free bread
Instead of fat free cheese = soy cheese
Instead of fat free sour cream = tofutti cream cheese

It might cost a bit more, but if I'm eating less it should all work out.

But first, finish the foods I have in the house.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Food effects mood??
I keep hearing these personal experiences of mood swings, autism, restlessness, rage disorders, fogginess...you name it, being cured by getting off of starchy pasta, breads and snotty, gooey dairy.
How much more evidence do I need?
Thank you, Antonio Valladares of The Healthy Urban Kitchen!
click here or click below

suffering a failure of denial

"Depression, in short,
can give you insight....
Mildly depressed people
make clearer assessments
of themselves and others.
As psychologist Jeffrey Zeig puts it,
'They suffer a failure of denial'.
Even severe and prolonged depression
can push a person to accept unhappy facts,
make decisions,
and resolve conflicts
that will ultimately promote
their survival..."

- Helen Fisher in Why We Love

A little validation goes a long way.
Someone told me recently that my blogging is like having a job.
I resisted the suggestion because I actually enjoy blogging.
My mind is stuck in thinking that work equals suffering.

If I could make a living as a writer, I would.
But what's stopping me?
I think it's lack of energy.

I'm about to solve my energy problem.
And I'm not going to settle for, "but your blood work looks good"
as if that's an answer (it may not look good which will at least give me a direction to go in to get well).
How many times do I watch the show HOUSE and see him diagnosing diseases that hide from initial testing?

Ok, ok, that's fiction but real life happens that way too.

I lunched with a colleague whose mother is a physician. She treated a woman with thyroid medication based on her symptoms (She had scleroderma type symptoms, very serious) even though her blood work looked fine.

The thyroid levels in her blood looked normal but this doctor's hunch about depleted thyroid levels turned out to be correct.

Treating this woman with thyroid meds alleviated her symptoms and cured her!

Then she took follow up blood tests and guess what!
The woman's thyroid levels showed no change.
They should have showed an increase
due to the meds
but they didn't.

For some reason, this woman's blood just did not want to show accurate thyroid levels on the test results.

Good thing the physician regards medicine as an art requiring
instinct,
insight
and contact with the patient rather than numbers on a chart.

I hope I can get that kind of help.

I look at people who are older than me who have more energy.
I look at folks who eat crappy foods who have more stamina.

This run down state of my body-nation is unacceptable (to be read in Nanny 911 voice).

Right now I'm under the weather with an upper respiratory infection.
From what?
Probably just exposure to germs.

That in itself is unacceptable.
My immune system needs to be more of a warrior.

Mainstream medicine needs to help me.
Complementary medicine needs to help me.
I need to help me.

I didn't come 44 years into this Lisa-life to give it up so easily.
I'll fight for me.

Spending time with my lady friends yesterday helped me to put things into a little bit of perspective. They think highly of me so why shouldn't I?

A little validation goes a long way.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
For the record, anti-depressants don't make me happy.
I don't know anyone that takes anti-depressants
that has EVER
called them "happy pills" any more than a diabetic would call
insulin "happy juice".
BUT I know that diabetes can be cured.
You should take your insulin in the meantime,
of course, but work toward a long term solution,
just like this woman did with her depression!
Am I ready to give up dairy and gluten forever?
If that's what's necessary, I'll do it.
click here
(embedding of her video was disabled so I could not
post it directly :-( Just click on the link above)

Pray for Shoes

"I now realize who I am
and who I am meant to be
and I no longer make apologies for that.
I show tact,
but I know I will always be the perv,
the weirdo,
the joker,
the dreamer,
the one who takes something the extra mile
just to make someone laugh
or even be offended.
I just like being who I am
and I don't want to have to try
to be something I am not....
I said what I thought,
the first thing that came to mind
and I didn't censor myself."
- Adventures of Being Mental

You're looking at my pic for today and thinking,
"St. Thomas' Episcopal Church
and
whore shoes.
Makes perfect sense!"

But it does make sense....if you're me.

As you may know from past posts I go to St. Thomas' for Advent and Epiphany to hear the dulcet tones of their amazing boys' choir (and to pray and worship of course).

This past Sunday was the Ephiphany procession. It was lovely as always.

During the Voluntary I knelt to pray with my head pressed against my forearm.
I almost didn't want to.
I felt so guilty for bothering God (if I were any more self deprecating I'd implode).
He had already answered my prayers, my desperate begging, for so many years already.
In the past I had prayed that I could stand, that I could walk, that I could walk without pain, that I could breathe...and now I can do all those things.

But is this it for me?
Is the life I have right now enough??
Yes and No.

I am grateful for where I am. I've come a long way from having to be dropped off at the curb in front of the church because I was unable to walk more than half a block.

I prayed THANKS for all my loved ones, all my resources, all the possibilities.
I prayed for the ones who suffer and are in need.
Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.

I prayed thanks but I also prayed for more.

God, don't just make me a good teacher help me to be a better teacher.
God, don't just make me a good friend, daughter, colleague, make me a better one.
God, don't just help me to continue to walk and get around like a human being, help me to be able to wear high heels once again.

I did.

I asked God for the ability to walk around in whore shoes.

Why?

Because I know I can.

Because being able to wear high heels means I've taken care of myself.

It will mean I had my knees fixed.
It will mean I lost the rest of the weight.
It will mean I've taken an interest in fashion again.

The shoes represent coming back to life and not settling.
They represent who I am:
the girl who prays on her knees
with high heels sticking into her butt cheeks.

Amen.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Try to find a video that has something to do with
God and fashion.
I was surprised.
I didn't have to try too hard.
My favorite is the hijab smiley!!
click here or click below

The Size 18 blouse

"...people who suffer from BDD
often feel that their appearance
— or some aspect of it, such as their skin or stomach or nose —
is “ugly” or “horrible,” or even “monstrous.”
They’ll obsess about perceived flaws
for an average of three to eight hours a day,
compulsively checking their reflection
in the mirror
and/or comparing their appearance with others’.
They’ll avoid social interactions,
experience relationship problems,
undergo needless cosmetic surgeries
and sometimes have trouble working,
attending school
or even leaving their homes."
- Dr. Katharine A. Phillips,
director of The Body Dysmorphic Disorder & Body Image Program
at Butler Hospital in Providence, R.I., and author of
'The Broken Mirror: Understanding and Treating Body Dysmorphic Disorder'

Or people will blog about their perceived flaws...lol.
Though, according to our thin-obsessed (and youth-obsessed) society, I'm a disaster.
My saggy, pendulous body puts me in a category...or several categories.
None of them make me feel good about living in this fleshy, ponderous, mass of a body.

I was getting dressed for church yesterday (and when I say "church" I mean the Epiphany procession with the amazing boys' choir at the beautiful St. Thomas' on 5th Ave in NYC).

I wanted to wear something new, something I hadn't worn before.
Dejectedly, I browsed through my closet.

There was a blouse I had never worn before, picked up for one dollar at a garage sale.
Black chiffon, asymmetrical hem, embroidered front, angel sleeves...very Stevie Nicks.

I took it out of the closet and looked at it.
It was going to be too small for me.
I held it up and looked at its width.
No way,
too narrow.

Convinced that I had gained 25 or so pounds since the summer (I didn't)
I felt that I should try on the blouse, let it NOT fit, and let the humiliation
shame me into doing something to lose these last 100 pounds.

But that's not what happened.

I put the blouse over my head, pulled it down over my glacial mass...and it fit.

I didn't believe it.
I walked into the hallway to look in the full length mirror.
It looked nice!

The size 18 Stevie Nicks chiffon blouse looked nice and fit well!

I was surprised.
Plus, I kinda sorta liked the way I looked.
Shoulda taken a picture.

I'm so used to feeling fat and unacceptable that I'm starting to distort the image of my own body.
My body image is a distorted, exaggerated excuse to avoid life.

Sure, there is a certain set of people who would look at me and go 'ewwww' but they're not speaking the truth about me they're just voicing their opinion.

There's a certain set of people who look at me and think 'cute' or 'sexy' or dare I say 'hot'.

Author Lawana Blackwell said, "Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery." Why would I want to be a slave??

I have to stop letting the 'ewww' opinion be the truth about me.
It's stopping me from living a joyous life.
It's stopping me from taking care of myself.
I think because I don't look like this...
...that I'm worthless,
an eyesore,
not worthy of
care,
respect
or love.

I'm torn between wanting to be
the hot 50 year old on the red carpet being interviewed
for some achievement or another...

...and just being a pretty and plump
middle aged gal with something to say like
J.Z. Knight Ramtha (before the recent plastic surgery...lol)
from What the Bleep...

or my beloved Rosie.
Pleased as I was to fit into the size 18 (at the beginning of this gastric bypass experience I was size 34-36) I was still plagued by the "not good enough" mind set.

That's how a more serious, life threatening case of body dysmorphism sets in.

I'm already recovering from an eating disorder.
I don't need a new one to take its place.

One of my current desires is to be OK with myself exactly as I am,
to believe that folks will want to hear from me, even though I'm fat,
to believe that what I look like is not a deterrent to my success (be that success as a teacher, writer, speaker, my gawd even someone's girlfriend perhaps?)

It's only a deterrent in my mind.
It will only stop me if I let it.

So, I guess I have to work harder on changing my mind.

The blouse fit, Lisa.
The blouse fit.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"what you think matters..."
Reality exists in our very powerful minds.
I forget that our thoughts create our experience.
Enjoy this video of J.Z. Knight aka Ramtha.
I don't care if you think she's a kook.
Hell, I'm a kook!
Truth is where you find it.
click here or click below

On Track...as always

"No matter how crazy
or self-defeating our current behavior
appears to be,
it exists for a reason
and may serve a positive
and protective function for ourselves or others...
If we get ambitious
and try to change too much too fast,
we may not change at all.
Instead, we may stir up so much anxiety
and emotional intensity
within ourselves
and others as to eventually
reinstate old patterns
or behaviors."
- Harriet Lerner in The Dance of Anger

That's why New Year's resolutions fail.
Too much change too quickly.

After about three weeks, the new behaviors become un-doable.
The commitments lose their motivational power.
We slide back into our old habits like falling into a safety net off a high wire.
Then we blame ourselves for being weak and go right back to suffering.

Bleh.

This is not the year for that.
The small changes I made recently are good enough.
I can build on them.

Getting SOMETHING done every day, even if it's for 5 minutes is helping me get my life on track ("on track" being another horrible cliche that makes me wretch).

On track.
Yuk.
As if there is ever a time when we are OFF track.
As if everything we do isn't a learning experience?

Life is a track!

The train CAN stop, though.
The train can go at different speeds, run out of fuel, crash into another train...

In other words, there are experiences that evolve us
and get us further along on the track
and stuff that leaves us sitting there with the red lights flashing,
traffic stopped, aggravation building up...
not getting closer to the next stop on our journey...
but we're always on track.
We're always set up to move forward.

Meh.
I'm just nitpicking at a metaphor.

What I mean to say is that when we declare ourselves "off track" we tend to beat ourselves up, put ourselves down
and engage in self destructive behaviors in the name of not doing something well enough.

As if the "on track" behaviors make us good people
and the "off track" behaviors make us bad.

Those "off track" moments are learning opportunities. We can take a look at how we handle anxiety, what makes us anxious, what triggers set us off, how to better care for ourselves, how to make different choices that might evolve us rather than keep us stuck.

Why even bother trying to evolve?
Hmmm.

I think life is more fun that way.
We get more life out of life when we're
learning,
growing,
changing,
exploring,
discovering,
recovering...
evolving.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
For the record, I'm the happiest depressed person in the world.
Depression is not a bad mood.
It's a clinical nightmare of a disorder that has to be fought every blessed day.
Funny how we treat cancer "survivors" like heroes while depression survivors are treated like we're lazy and self indulgent.
We're survivors, too, dammit.
Thanks to Lev Yilmaz, maker of Tales of Mere Existence,
for making this great video!
click here or click below

Rejection Rage

"...I have come to the conclusion
that abandonment rage
evolved to serve another purpose:
to drive disappointed lovers to
extricate themselves
from dead-end matches,
lick their wounds,
and resume their quest
for love in greener pastures."
- Helen Fisher in Why We Love


"The thinking behind
Anger Management
suggests that somehow it is wrong
to feel angry
and that it is a dangerous emotion
and should be controlled,
whereas r-a-g-e workshops
for women highlights the advantages
and strengths
in tapping into the power of anger
and refocusing that energy into
positive action."
- Corrine at Refocusing Anger for Growth and Empowerment (RAGE)

I am well familiar with abandonment rage.
Reading my 5 minutes worth of Helen Fisher's Why We Love
today has me convinced that
I'VE BEEN SEEKING ROMANTIC REJECTION
for the boost it gives me.

It's more than romantic rejection, it's job rejection, too.

Do I seek rejection consciously??
No.

I'm not that reversed in polarity.
But I DO believe that I seek it unconsciously.
I seek the rejection because of the resolve it gives me.
I use it like a booster rocket to get me to the next place in my life.

Just look at the guys I'm attracted to. They represent different versions of unavailability, be it emotional, social, whatever.
It's as if my psyche LOOKS for the kind of guy who will get me excited,
obsessed and hypomanic but who will not burden me with any actual intimacy.

Smart psyche.

No, no don't feel sorry for me. Once in a while I feel like I'm missing out by not having a significant other, but most of the time I'm happy to be here with my cats and my friends.

No roommate to deal with.
No boyfriend to bother me.
And certainly no husband to contend with, and I do mean contend.

Financially it kinda sucks to be on my own, but I have faith that I'll be able to stand on my own two feet (what a horrible cliche) soon enough.

Last night I imagined what kind of guy might actually want me. I imagined a nice, stable, hard working, decent, loving, nice, non-bipolar guy... with money. Someone who already had kids so he wouldn't expect me to be a baby maker. Someone who could be kind, loving, supportive...and then it dawned on me that I would have to be kind, loving, supportive, in good moods and in bad...and I fled.

Then I imagined that kind of guy only he was married and I was his mistress and he was keeping me. It just deteriorated from there till I was once again imagining blissfully alone, doing my thing, in my own time, avoiding intimacy at all costs and riding the ups and downs of my mood disorder.

And ride them I shall.

The ups and downs are going to spike a bit as I get my eating under better control (for lack of a much better word since I cringe at the thought of being controlled even by my self).
Keeping a daily food log is revealing some good stuff about me even if the outcome is emotionally rocky.

The food log is revealing that I don't take in that many unnecessary calories when I know I have to write it all down.
I haven't bought a box of sourdough pretzels (I can easily polish off 1800 calories worth in a sitting).
I haven't eaten too much boxed cereal or bought any for that matter.
I've been better about buying sugary baked goods mix, opting for whole grain choices instead.

Being honest about what I'm eating is less painful than I imagined.
Even when I ate 10 pieces of gelt the other night.
I was tempted to "forget" to record that, but I was honest and recorded it.
It was much less of a big deal than I anticipated.

Though I still seek that over-full feeling for whatever peace it brings me, I don't feel like my addictive behavior is out of control (which is why I won't do 12 Step. I can't do the step where you have to admit your life is unmanageable and that you have no control over the substance of choice). I believe we are responsible for our actions, even the unconscious ones.

Which is why I blog about them.

Get the behaviors out of hiding.
Feel what I have to feel about those behaviors.
Give myself the opportunity to CHOOSE that or a different behavior in the future.

Like being rejected.
It fuels me.

When I'm good and ready, I'll change that rejection-seeking behavior,
but not today.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...fear of getting stuck in something that is not good for you..."
Yeah, love IS a wonderful thing but do I have to experience it with a romantic partner in order to be a healthy person?
Can't I love my friends, students, family....and say that's enough?
I guess I'm the only one who can answer that.
I think Donna Barnes is right.
It's important to get to the root of that fear.
I'm working on getting to the roots of ALL my fears.
I'll get to the root of that one eventually.
click here or click below

we need each other

"You've Done it Before, You Can Do It Again:
When you're heading into a new situation,
recall what you've done in the past that's similar.
Even if it wasn't exactly the same,
knowing that you got through
a tough time before
will give you perspective..."


"Keep a Log:
Write down everything you are going through.
Next time you're facing a new challenge,
you can read your log
and see that you were probably
nervous about all the
wrong things."
- Dr. Joy Browne

It helps to re-read the things we've written.
If you're blogging your progress, whether it's a 'weight loss journey' or the uphill climb out of depression or whatever, go back and read your own writing.

It helps.

I'm worrying a lot less about the upcoming semester.
Why?
I'm looking back at what I've accomplished.
With LESS physical resources than I have now,
I've earned higher degrees,
attended graduate school by night,
taught by day,
led groups,
given talks,
kept house,
entertained,
worked out, etc.

I've been busy in the past.
This semester will be challenging, but do-able.
How do I know?
I've done it already, written about it, and lived to read the tale.

I've figured out some stuff, too.
I'm looking back at the first years of this blog when I'd include
'Movement for Motivation' exercises at the end of each post.
Those moves work PERFECTLY with my 5 minutes a day plan.

I don't have to re-invent the wheel every day.
I don't always have to take the hardest route.
I can take the well worn path, worn by me, work done in the past that I can benefit by in the present.

Sheesh.
I'm so reluctant to take help, I actually resist taking help from myself!

That's part of the perfectionism that I have to overcome.
Being able to take help, asking for help, acknowledging that we are relational beings who need each other, takes guts,
and practice.

Being needy is frowned upon.
Vulnerability is seen as weakness.
Why?

Maybe it's an American, independent, don't-rely-on-others, butch up and stand on your own two feet kinda attitude that keeps us from feeling OK when it comes to needing support from others.

I'm reluctant for a number of reasons.
I've been conditioned, like so many of us, to see myself as less of a person if I rely on people.

On this very blog, unkind critics have called me a "mooch" for letting my parents help me.
Unkind readers have told me to "get it together".
Former friends have levied these accusations against me as well.
Score a few for me because they are FORMER friends.
I had enough sense to distance myself from their poisonous criticism.

Remember, in life critics hold opinions and that's all they hold.
Critics don't speak the truth about us.
They speak opinions.
We can let the opinions in as true or reject them as false.

Truth is subjective.

Anyone who says things like,
"that's not just my opinion, it's the truth!!"
is probably an egomaniac of some sort.

What, like any of us has a monopoly on truth??

We have OPINIONS of what might be true.

Choose the opinions that empower you.
Let those opinions help you.
Opinions that make you feel like crap can (should) be discarded.

They're merely opinions after all.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It kills me that they tout this guy's weight loss as being done
"without surgery"
and "just mind over matter"
and "determination"
as if the rest of us don't have determination.
Does it occur to any of the geniuses watching this that Chris Powell's
friendship is what saved this guy??
The 2o/20 folks even SAY it in this clip!
They talk about the "friendship" that saved David Smith's life.
Sure, determination and hard work were essential to his transformation, but
more so the love and support from someone who cared.
We need each other.
click here or click below

Bully the bully voice

Yuk, I look bald and pale!

I got my check-up from the neck up today.
Filled out forms.
Took care of meds.

Then walked over to the hospital where my Charity Care application has been in limbo since waaaay before the holidays just to see if my showing up would magically help things along.

It did.

My application had been filed away and forgotten due to personnel changes in the financial counseling department.
The financial counselor retrieved it, made it active and said she'd send me a determination tomorrow.

This is incredible news!
Since I can pretty much guarantee that I'll be approved, I am anticipating being able to get my much needed, long awaited blood work done!!
Yayy!!

I did something.
If felt great.

I'm feeling much more in control of things, much more on the ball.
My 5 minutes a day plan is working.

Instead of feeling like I have to DO IT ALL at once, I'm doing things in increments and gaining much needed self confidence.

Stuff is getting done.

Yesterday I was feeling especially fragile and weepy.
I knew if I stayed in the house I'd be too anxious to do anything.
I'd just cry, eat and sleep.

I forced myself to go out.
I got dressed and got ready to run errands.
It didn't matter that it was freezing raining.
It didn't matter that I wasn't in the mood.
I did not feel like doing anything, so I knew it was important that I do SOMETHING or else the depression would bury me.

I got in the car. I ran errands.

I hand delivered paperwork to one of the colleges I'll be working at this Spring.
Driving out to Paramus,
walking on campus,
getting something accomplished
made me feel worlds better.

Getting loose ends tied up makes a huge difference in
my outlook,
my energy level,
my self esteem,
my self confidence
and
my willingness to live my own life.

Little acts of self care,
little bits of business taken care of,
little moves toward being whole,
healthy
and capable
all add up.

Folks who have no experience with depression might
not understand.
They look at the little day to day stuff and think
'What's the big deal??
Get a grip!
Get a hold of yourself!
Get it together!'
(Yes, folks have said these things to me and they've said these things to folks I know who suffer from clinical depression, as if all we needed was their narrow minded, uniformed tough love. Ugh.)

I've learned to just keep quiet around folks who don't 'get it'...
well, except for this blog
which opens me up to all kinds of criticism, attacks, harsh misjudgment, etc.

Those harsh judgmental voices aren't so easy to dismiss.
They stick in my head and shame me...daily.
I have to fight them HARD to make them stop
and replace them with kind,
supportive,
praise,
in
my own voice,
especially for the little stuff.

The little stuff is supposed to be easy.
The harsh voices in my head are brutal and unforgiving.
They bully me.
They bully me just like the folks who uttered the harsh judgments to begin with.

I can't let them win.

I know what it's like to live with depression.
I know how hard I've been fighting all my life to keep my head above water,
to take care of business,
to take care of myself.

I get scared that someone will get a hold of my little triumphs and trample them.
I feel like the little baby deer that struggles to get up on its wobbly legs
for the first time.
I'm afraid the bullies or bully voices will come and knock me over.

It's no wonder some people hide behind their addictions.
They let their ailments cripple them FIRST so the bullies can't get to them.
Being physically sick is evidence, it's real, it's visible.
Folks get to hide behind their illnesses so the bullies can't get them.
They have 'doctor says' to protect them or they have their obvious impairments that keep the bullies from having too much to say.

What do I have?
I get 'You must feel so much better now that so much of the weight is off!"

I dunno.
Is that a question or a statement??

I still have an eating disorder to contend with.
I have a weak, depleted body to heal.
I have to fight depression every damned day.

It's so important to have the praise voices in our heads be louder than the critical voices.
And if we have to keep it private so that the bullies don't get us, then that's what we'll have to do.

I did good!
I took care of business!!
Good good good good good.
Don't tread on me.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I don't mean to say 'Just work out, you'll feel better!!!"
Yech.
The last thing a depressed person needs is some do-gooder,
peppy cheerleader
telling them to 'Just Do It!!!"
with smileys and exclamation points.
I picked this video because of what this trainer has to say about
making a commitment
and doing it.
It CAN be exercise if you so choose it, but it can be little things too, like paperwork or house work or paying a bill.
Do what you can.
Praise yourself for it.
That does work.
click here or click below

yank that kite

Mah punk, Xander!

"So far,
every prayer addressed
to the Holy Mother
has been answered...
But I do want to point out,
the reason I think
she intercedes so well for us,
is because she too
is a human being."
- Jack Kerouac

"Human beings
bring their own psychological processes
to bear on what they are perceiving.
So, if a devout Catholic has a numinous experience,
they are going to say:
'I saw the Virgin Mary,'
while an Australian aborigine is going to say:
'I became one with the land,'
and a Hindu will experience
enlightenment through
Krishna."
- Liz Greene

I prayed and visualized in bed last night.
I imagined what it would be like to love my own life.
I imagined what it feels like to live a life of purpose and fulfillment.

I did it imperfectly.

My mind kept wandering.
My thoughts went to stupid, resentful, limiting, complaining crap.
That's where my brain goes when I let it run on automatic.
Yanking my thoughts into shape is like flying a kite in a windstorm.
I fell asleep with my head still flapping in the wind.

I was on the campus of St Peter's college in Jersey City yesterday to fill out paperwork.
There was no sun.
As you can see, I took pictures in the courtyard with Mary.

I was walking along nicely.
No real pain in my joints, just fatigue and heaviness.
I kept thinking that I couldn't wait to be home with my cats.
Thinking that just made my walk feel more labored.

So, I changed my thoughts.
I forced myself to think,
"It's great to be here!"
"I love walking!"
"How nice it is to be walking outdoors!"
"I am blessed."
"I am fortunate."

I instantly felt lighter, but when I reached my car, I was grateful to be on my way home.

These next couple of weeks will take conscious effort on my part.
I'll tell myself that I'm looking forward to the new semester.
I'll tell myself that I prepare for my classes with ease.
I'll force myself to act cheerful, to be productive, and to think positive.

Misery and discontent seem to come more naturally to me, but I believe that can change.
I'm only 44.
I plan on living AT LEAST another 44 years.
I don't want to "die" halfway through my life.

I had myself a little boo hoo this morning (just a little one).
My celebrity-crush said he's been seeing someone new for the past couple of weeks.
Damn.
I really entertained hope that I could be friends with this person,
but I'm not sure that can happen in the near future.

With nothing to obsess about, my mind will need to be anchored on good thoughts.
I have to reel in my wild kite.
If I let my mind go on auto pilot it thinks things like
"I don't care."
"This sucks."
"I'm a loser."

I have to yank that kite.
Think good.
Think positive.
Think light.
Think happy.

Think I can do it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Penn, of Penn and Teller, talks about a sincere act of kindness.
He may not have changed his mind about Christ but he changed his mind
about this Christian.
click here or click below

the windhorse

"Make voyages.
Attempt them.
There is nothing else."
- Tennessee Williams

“Intense creative episodes are,
in many instances,
indistinguishable from hypomania”
-Key Redfield Jamison

Thanks for your support yesterday.
I napped it off.

That's the beauty of cyclothymia.
The highs and lows can come and go quickly.

We went to The National Arts Club to see Jeremy Lawrence in "Everyone Expects Me to Write Another 'Streetcar'", a one man depiction of the final years of Tennessee Williams' life including his breakdown and hospitalization.

"All geniuses are manic depressive,
but not all manic depressives are geniuses,
though we think we are."
- Robert Corrington

We watched Tennessee Williams as he drank and paced the stage, lamenting his critics but refusing to compromise his artistic vision. He said he'd rather be an outcast than conform to society's expectations of him, and outcast he was. Then he died and we hail him as a genius.

Hey, I'm no Tennesse Williams, but I do have vision.
Or rather visionS.
I have ideas.
I have stuff to say.

Would you believe me if I told you that I play it safe on this blog?
I do.
There are plenty of topics I won't touch...here.

I'm super careful when I talk about work.
I don't even nick the surface of what I have to say about taboo
subjects like sex and drugs.

In a couple of weeks the article in Playboy will appear. Hal Niedzviecki will probably skewer me for the way I 'self-disclose' here on this blog when really I'm barely even a flasher when it comes to self-exposure.

I have room to grow.

My karma is attracting certain lessons lately.
Brave, intense, socially unacceptable visionaries seem to inspire me, now more than ever.
Folks who are true to their vision(s) regardless of what the naysayers and critics have to say are the ones who speak to me loudly.

When I say 'socially unacceptable' I don't mean they're ALL cringe inducing like my Jimmy Norton. I include folks like Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer. I even include Bill Henrickson (Bill Paxton's character from Big Love), the polygamist Mormon hero who swings between extreme audaciousness and penitent humility, all the while feeling intensely compelled to do the right thing in the eyes of God.

All this manic depression can't be for nothing.
If I'm going to suffer the mood swings I may as well capitalize on the hypo mania when it comes.
If I have to suffer the down side then I may as well ride the highs of the up side.
Right?

"It is,
at the end of the day,
the individual moments of restlessness,
of bleakness,
of strong persuasions
and maddened enthusiasms,
that inform one's life,
change the nature
and direction of one's work,
and give final meaning
and color to one's
loves and friendships."

- Kay Redfield Jamison

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
God may not reward me with my own personal heaven
but I may as well feel like I'm on top of the world
when the hypo-mania grabs me.
Enjoy one of my favorite intros to one of my favorite shows.
click here or click below

withdrawals, again

I'm having a real emo morning.
Lots of crying.
Not over any one thing. Not over anything.

Hopefully it's a temporary rush of emotions due to my not overeating.

This is what happened to me right after the surgery.
For about 3 months I went through what I'm calling "withdrawal" from over-carbing and junk food (you do know that junk foods are full of addictive additives, right?)

It was rough, but I got through it.
I emerged around the holidays (2006) with new energy and my 6 day a week workout commitment (that I kept up for 10 months).

Keeping the food diary on TheDailyPlate (I'm "belovedideas")
has kept me from over doing it on pretzels, sweets, snacks, etc.
all the stuff I use as a dam to keep my emotions at bay.

Break the dam and this is what happens: a rush of emotions.

This is probably the 'exposed cadaver' I saw in my dream on Saturday.
The exposed emotions.

The good news is that my subconscious showed me that
I WAS GOING TO LIVE
after navigating down the treacherous emotional slope.

I'll weather this.
It hurts while I'm going through it, but I have faith that I'll come out of it better, stronger and ready for a new set of life commitments.

In my dream there was no turning back.
In my dream staying still was worse than the unknown that loomed on the other side of the snowy cliff.

So this is how I'll proceed.
I'll just go through it and live.

I've done it before.
I'll do it again.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...Refined Carbs encourage addictive biochemistry..."
Just like alcohol, refined carbs cause addictive biochemistry.
When one goes OFF them, they cause withdrawal symptoms.
The good news?
This too shall pass.
Thanks, Genita Petralli H.H.P., N.C., M.H., author of Alcoholism: The Cause and The Cure.
click here or click below

I was going to live

"It was then that I realized:
I was going to live!"
- me to myself in a dream

I was on some sort of snowmobile, leaning forward, holding on to the yellow plastic steering handle, something like this...

I was riding in the snow on top of an impossibly tall mountain.
There were clouds and snowy mountain tops all around.

Kinda like this only higher (thanks Brad Washburn)...

And I was at the top about to snowmobile myself
over the edge into mid air
and certain death.
Kinda like what this guy has his back to
(thank you SummitClimb.com!)

I paused as I approached the edge.
This was suicide.

For some reason I couldn't (or wouldn't) go back.
Going forward or standing still were the only options.
Staying still felt uncomfortably stuck and cowardly but going forward meant certain death.

No one goes flying off the edge of a cliff
and lives to tell the tale (unless you're Thelma and Louise).

I sat there on my snow mobile and imagined what it would feel like to speed off the edge and arc up onto the air. My stomach would get butterflies the way you do when you reach the highest point on a roller coaster just before the car drops into a speeding descent.

Then I'd feel the free fall.
Air would hit my face and I'd breathe my last few breaths as I swam in mid air trying to grab onto something but only pawing more air.
I anticipated the surrender I'd feel as I fell, knowing I'd be dead in a few seconds but wanting to enjoy the last few precious moments of life.

'Not so bad. I can hack it'
I thought to myself, trying to talk myself into a gracefully brave death-by-freefall off an impossibly high, snowy mountain.

I felt trust,
not that I'd live, but that I'd die bravely, that it would not hurt so bad to fly off that cliff to my death.

I pushed off with my feet and let my little plastic snowmobile go speeding toward the abyss.
I reached the edge at a terrifying speed. There was no possibility of stopping,
but instead of arcing up into the air,
I went into a nearly vertical nose dive down a steep, but navigable mountainside.

I didn't catch air at all.

My snowmobile hugged the side of the mountain as I zigzagged my way down bashing into snow banks and icy rocks along the way.

Halfway down I took a sharp turn along what looked like frozen stew or the frozen insides of a skinned cadaver, but I kept going.

I reached the bottom and skidded to a gentle stop.

I was in the courtyard of the Richfield Village Apartments (where I now live and where I lived with my parents for the first 3 years of my life) sliding to a snowy halt.

That's when I heard my own voice narrating my dream.
I said: It was then that I realized I was going to live.

I looked back over my shoulder at where I had been.
No mountain.
Only a few snow drifts, a railroad track with bare trees on either side, and some snow-covered suburban sprawl.

It was early evening.
The sun reflected large golden patches in the icy snow.

I was going to live.

All that fear,
all that anticipation,
all that preparation for death,
and I managed to live through it anyway.

I woke up in a good mood, cooked a nice Pot O'Lisa, baked some yummy whole wheat apple bread/cake and got my apartment ready for company feeling like I had gained new knowledge.

It looks bad, but it ain't.

I'll live.

I will definitely live.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
People do this stuff for real!
Having dreamed it, I know what it feels like...I think.
Looks like people CAN go flying off a cliff and live to tell the tale.
click here or click below

Rolling up the issues

"Anger is a signal
and one worth listening to.
Our anger may be a message
that we are hurt,
that our rights are being violated,
that our needs or wants
are not being adequately met,
or simply that something
is not right....

...Our anger may tell us that
we are not addressing
an important emotional issue in our lives,
or that too much of our self
- our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions -
is being compromised in a relationship...
Our anger can motivate us
to say 'no' to the ways in which
we are defined by others
and 'yes' to the dictates
of our inner self."
- Dr. Harriet Lerner in The Dance of Anger

I've heard it said that depression is anger turned inward.
In addition to the biochemical reasons for depression, I would say, yes.
It certainly FEELS like unexpressed rage.
Unexpressed anger can result in mood disorders.

I'll add Eating Disorders to that as well.

See, I don't believe that people "fail" at weight loss because of will power issues or laziness or lack of discipline or whatever un-thought-out cliched reason society gives us for why folks regain weight after losing a ton of it.

I believe unresolved issues are at the heart of weight gain after major weight loss.
My girl Susan Powter has dealt beautifully with the biochemical issues involved in getting healthy, leaner and stronger.
There are many wonderful professionals out there (Hirschmann and Munter, Roth, Lerner, et al)
who give us support for the unresolved emotional issues.

Now I'd like to see a system that rolls them all into one.
And not just a few obscure in-patient programs that have clued in, gotten wise and incorporated therapy, recovery, nutrition and spiritual healing into one program. I'm sure they're out there. I've linked to a few of them in past blog posts.

What I want to see is a BIIIIGGGG system, a household name, something as big as Weight Watchers, something well known THAT ACTUALLY WORKS by bringing the many different aspects of recovery into one program for the healing of eating disorders/losing of excess weight.

I don't know if I'm the one who has to do it.
Maybe I am.
I'm still only halfway toward the promised land of wellness, but I believe I'll get there.

Good thing I blogged every day.
Now I can look back and see what worked, what didn't work, what needs work, etc.

But I can't help others if I'm limping along like I'm half dead.
I need to get myself well, functioning, nourished, medicated and cared for.

My 5 minute a day list is helpful.
It's helping me to get things in order so I can get the medical attention I need.
2 years after my bypass and NO BLOOD TEST!

I could be depleted .... God only knows in what areas.

I keep thinking my being tired all the time is some sort of moral failure.

I can't let people say stupid sh*t to me like "well, if you exercised you might feel better" and get away with it.

Anyone who really cares about my health should be screaming at me to GO GET A BLOOD PANEL DONE!!

Cuz when my health is good, so is my motivation.

You can find me on TheDailyPlate under my screen name BelovedIdeas.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Cravings?
Foggy or groggy all the time?
Chronic fatigue?
Joint pain??
Yes, there are many ailments that share those symptoms,
but I always look for nutritional explanations.
Why?
With no health insurance, food is one of the few things I CAN control
in order to maximize my health.
In addition to watching my blood sugar and iron levels, I could benefit by a good systematic cleaning to get rid of yeasts and parasites.
Fer real.
"Candida is an opportunist!"
Thanks, Christopher!
click here or click below

the process of resolve

"I have so many things to do today that include;
paying fines that I have accumulated over the span of the past year,
a large and filthy smelling pile of dirty laundry
that starts next to my bed
and stops down in the basement next to my silent washer and dryer,
overdue scheduled vehicle maintenance of my vehicle
that I don't want anymore
but am still making payments on,
and dozens of additional tasks
that are just as unpleasant.
Why don't I just run out in front
of a fast-moving garbage truck you ask?
Hmmm, good question!"
- blogger Joe Frawley

It's only day 3 of my food diary
and I'm already learning quite a bit about my eating habits.
I'm an unapologetic grazer.
Yes, yes, yes, I know we're not supposed to graze after bypass or banding for fear that we'll out eat the surgery.
I know.
I get it.

But if I'm hungry I'm going to eat.
If it's stomach hunger, emotional hunger, mouth hunger, *heart hunger or whatever hunger, if it's there, I'm feeding it.

*“Heart hunger” or “emotional hunger” = We feel an ache and emptiness in our hearts due to unmet emotional and/or spiritual needs. Rather than acknowledge our feelings and work through our issues, we try to fill the void with food. Or sometimes we try to use food to “stuff” our feelings down. Although there can be physical discomfort in the gut when we’re upset, it is a distinctly different sensation from stomach hunger.

- Finding Balance

I can make good choices about what goes into my mouth.
Good,
better,
more nutritious.

Last night I had the late night munchies (I get them every night).
I ate sugar free jello, 3 raw peppers and some almonds.
Hey, it's better than "slider" foods like cakes, pretzels or ...or... other pretzels (I don't eat chips so, what else is there?)

My appetite is HUGE at night.
My appetite is so-so during the day.

I find it very easy to eat like a gastric bypass patient during the day.
Then nighttime hits and I'm ravenous.

I'm probably legitimately hungry. I could be depleted.
How would I know??
I haven't had ANY blood work done since the surgery.
My surgeon is fit-to-be-tied over this, but what can we do?
I have no insurance.
If I can't pay for the blood work, it ain't gettin' done!

But there's a solution.
As part of my catch-up-on-paperwork effort I filled out all the necessary paperwork for Charity Care at my hospital in Summit (where I go for my check-up from the neck-up).
I'm sure I'll get approved.
Then my neck-up doc will write a scrip for blood work and send the results to my bariatric doc.
I'm just waiting for that approval to arrive in the mail.

And yeah, I'm tired.
Draggy, sluggish, half asleep, possibly anemic.
There might be a medical reason for it.
It might be fixable.

My '5 Minutes a Day in 2009' project will help me take care of business so I can better care for myself.

I'm learning to do my 5 Minutes of stuff in an as-you-go fashion.

I'm creating the habit of answering emails when I get them instead of putting them off for some future time when I'm 'in the mood' to answer them (when does that mood happen anyway?)

I'm filing things as I open the envelopes instead of putting them into a to-be-filed pile.

I keep my books in places where I can read for a few minutes during my couch time (I'm currently reading 'The Dance of Anger' by Dr. Harriet Lerner and 'Why We Love' by Helen Fisher)

I do exercises throughout the day like yoga poses, stretches, rehab stuff, walking, breathing.

The list is pretty doable.

The one item that's giving me the most trouble is book-writing.
I'm still treating it like it's a monumental task that can't possibly be broken down into do-able chunks.
I'll have to reframe that megillha!

Meh, I'll put it on the to-do list.
It seems like writing stuff down helps me to get it done.

I highly recommend it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Exercising a lot and eating a little (1500 calories a day is very very little for grown people who exercise) WILL make you lose weight.
No doubt.
But what about addressing all the complex issues of eating disorder recovery??
Learning to eat smaller portions - depleting calories without increasing nutrition - won't help.
I still use food to soothe my emotions.
I think the fact that the foods I eat are nutritious, low fat and high fiber makes a big difference.
Reframing the way I view my behavior as being self-soothing rather than self-destructive has helped.
Binge eating on crap is self destructive.
Eating well is an act of self-care, even if the portions and frequency are higher than normal.
I wish I could partner with the folks at New Haven to help these people get well for good.
In the meantime, I have great compassion for them....and when I can, for me.
click here or click below

Hopeful New Year!!

Not bad.
Yesterday I hit every item on the '5 Minutes in 2009' list
BUT....and everyone loves a big butt....
it may need some tweaking.

See, the problem with the 5 minute thing is that once you start a project,
you are very likely going to want to do MORE than 5 minutes of it.
I tackled the mess in my room yesterday, picking up and sorting the laundry, putting clean clothes away, donating things that no longer fit, etc.
Five minutes wasn't enough!
I spent about 30 minutes working on my room (item #3 Big Job Cleaning).

Another snag is that 5 minutes might not be enough. Take the book writing for instance.
By the time I read what I've written and decided what to write next, 5 minutes is long gone.

Some of the items on the list are closer to 20-30 minute items.

The items that went perfectly?
1) Keeping a food diary (very easy at TheDailyPlate)
2) Intentional Movement
3) Big Job Cleaning
6) Promote Blog
7) Read
and 9) Correspond

The other items need work.
But I'm not giving up.
I'm open to making my list work!

After my productive first-day-of-the-list
I felt accomplished.
I had that grown-up, act-together, taking care of business feeling yesterday.
Hitting the items on my list brightened my mood.
I got things done.

Having a list takes the pressure off me.
No prioritizing needed.
No deciding what to do.
No having to do it ALL in one shot when it comes to any one of the items.

Goals should be do-able.
They should be challenging but not climb-Everest-to-the-summit challenging.
We don't have to summit the tallest mountain in the world every single day.
Some days, it's enough just to put one foot in front of the other to take a few steps in the right direction.

Right now, I'm ready for a nap.
I was at two lovely parties last night, had some champagne and had a great time.
The food was delicious at both parties.
I recorded every bite on my Daily Plate log.

This morning I ate my breakfast a bit too fast.
It made me queasy.
I'm feeling weak.
I need to lie down.

Having recorded what I ate this morning, even though I ate too much too fast, I somehow feel more in control of how I'll eat my next meal.
I don't have to rush through it.
I feel like I can eat less in one sitting for some reason.
Recording everything I eat is not as restrictive as I thought it would be.
It's rather freeing.

My rushed breakfast was a teaching moment for me.
Now I'll sleep it off and get a fresh start.

I'm having company later today.
If I don't hit every item on my list I'm not going to beat myself up.
The fact that I can check off some of them is accomplishment enough for me
on this the first day of 2009!

I hope it's a good one for all of us.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
We're at least as smart as dogs, right?
Small, do able goals.
Progress, even a little, is GOOD!!
It beats being stuck, hopeless and unrealistically perfectionisitic.
One small task, done well, can build a foundation for another, and another, and another...
Take action.
Keep track.
If it doesn't work, make a new plan.
Celebrate your little successes!
click here or click below