I've had this on my mind since I read it on 'writing for real life' blog a few days ago.
It's making me think.
There's a fine line between helping and over helping people.
I know that I'm very dependent on my friends right now with this injured knee.
I'm learning the value of allowing myself to be helped. I'm appreciating the mutual contributions between me and my loved ones.
Help, contribution, support...these are all good things.
I'd been conditioned to believe that needing people meant I was a weak person.
I'm learning that sometimes strength comes from forgiving one's self for being weak so that others can give a hand up.
I'm cautious as I read the following list.
I'm cautious that it might make me retreat back into that place where I think I have to do it all on my own.
Yet, there is value in considering the items on this list.
I don't want to help others in a way that makes them helpless.
I don't want to be helped in a way that makes me completely weak.
There are balanced ways to share.
We are interconnected.
Bounce one thread in the web and they all bounce.
But to approach our relationships with fear and fury?
That can't be good.
I think this list taken from Melody Beattie's classic book can illuminate behaviors that need to be changed rather than eliminated.
I also think that we all do the things on this list to a certain extent.
However, it's worth considering whether we're doing them too much.
She says we might be co-dependent if we...
-think and feel responsible for other people, for their thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs
-feel anxiety and guilt when other people have a problem
-feel compelled to help people solve their problems
-not knowing what you want or need, or telling yourself that what you want or need isn't important
-think you're not quite good enough
-pick on yourself for everything, including the way you think, feel, look, act and behave
-fear rejection
-take things personally
-believe other people couldn't possible like/love you
-try to prove you're good enough for other people
-worry
-think and talk a lot about other people
-don't feel peaceful, content or happy with yourself
-look for happiness outside yourself
-desperately seek love and approval
-try to prove you're good enough to be loved
-don't take the time to see if other people are good for you
-don't mean what you say
-don't know what you mean
-take yourself too seriously
-ask for what you want or need indirectly - sighing, for example
-find it difficult to get to the point
-aren't sure what the point is
-try to say what you think will please people
-talk too much
-talk negatively about other people
-have a difficult time expressing emotions honestly, openly and appropriately
-talk in self-degrading ways
-apologize for bothering people
-don't trust yourself
-don't trust other people
-are afraid of your own anger
-are frightened of other people's anger
-think people will go away if anger enters the picture
-are afraid to make other people feel anger
-repress your angry feelings
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself"
Once again, a reminder.
I have plenty of work to do.
*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
How blessed this kid is to be learning
these lessons at such a young age.
Most of us seem to have to wait till our middle age
when we're sick and desperately looking for answers!
They should be assigning these books in high school.
click here or click below
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3 comments:
I don't know if I'm comfortable with this list.
Why "codependent?" To me, this list describes a host of reactions to pain. Am I really codependent if I worry too much and think I'm not good enough for life? Or is that better described as something else?
Categories can trick us, if we forget that they were made to serve us, and not the other way around. Based only on this list, this author has forgotten that. But you haven't, or you'd never have made it this far, nor would you continue.
Thanks for this, am going to post it to my blog.
yeah the first time i picked up "codependent, no more" it made me feel bad about myself. so i put it down and that was over ten years ago. AND i never read past those first pages. past that intro list of characteristics of codpendency.
and like your commenter said, definitely, taken one by one, they could be anything and aren't necessarily really bad things individually. of course i don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to help people. and feeling insecure. and not knowing what you're feeling.
i definitely think we should approach concepts like codependency and lists such as these with caution. at first i thought it was someone else saying "here's something else wrong with you" and there's a danger in taking it that way.
but how i'm seeing codependency now, after reading more of the book, isn't as a sickness i have. but yet another descriptive explanation for how i'm oriented towards the world, that i don't have to be. i need to keep reading past that list of characteristics. onto the part of the book where she describes how it's possible for us to be free of putting ourselves down, feeling shame that causes us to be sure that no one could ever truly love us, feeling paralyzed by the feelings and expectations of others. from that sense that in and of myself i am not good enough.
i definitely want to be rid of those thought patterns. so i'll keep reading. but if reading the book is having a negative effect on you, or making you feel worse about yourself. then for sure, it doesn't sound like the right book for you. not today anyways :)
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