replacing it

"A child's negative self-image
can later become the source of dysfunctions
such as anorexia,
obesity,
alcoholism,
and other addictions
as well as obsessive fear of failure...

...Loving oneself
begins with
confronting this archetypal force
within the psyche
and unseating the wounded child's
authority over us.
If unhealed,
wounds keep us living in the past."
- Carolyn Myss, PhD

If I could dance around like the women in the picture (above)
I wouldn't care that I'm fat.
My shape, I could learn to live with.
The immobility?
No.
No way.
This not being able to walk is getting ridiculous now.

I'm still popping anti-inflammatories.
I'm on necessary-walking-only, using a cane.
I'm able to do less than half of my routines (shopping, cleaning, laundry,etc).
And I'm sitting in the shower...again.

Just like the old 400 pound days, I'm sitting on the tub ledge to wash myself.

Yet, with these obstacles, I'm trying not to give in to "sick posture".
You know sick posture, where you lurch around half alive waiting for the moment you can sit down and rest. The overall desire is to be left alone in your funk.
There's an overall umbrella of "excuse me, nothing's getting done while I'm sick".

Oh, and don't forget the shallow breathing.
The I-wish-I-were-sleeping dozy half filled lungs and overall dozy feeling.

'Sick posture' is what I was accustomed to for a long time.

I'm fighting that.
Those old habits won't crush me.

I'm reminding myself to take deep expanding breaths.

I'm talking nicely to myself in the shower, telling myself that sitting on the tub ledge is temporary. It's part of the healing. It's remembering where I've been and reminding myself that I never want to go back. It's an act of self care while my knee heals.

I'm reminding myself to keep a well posture when I walk.
Even with the cane I'm taking long strides.

Today I caught myself whimpering as I climbed the steps to my classroom.
I silently comforted myself, told myself I was doing a great job of handling a tough situation, and became present to my body in that moment. The pain was not that bad. It was just awkward climbing the steps with my bags and my books and my purse and my cane.
I could hack it.

My students finished their exams early. The sun was still out when the last student left the classroom. I graded every exam while the sunset burned itself through the clouds into my classroom window.

Then I sat there in my body.
I imagined the body I am working for, about 100 pounds less than I am now.

A future me, thinner and lighter.

It felt frighteningly small.
I felt frail and vulnerable.
Too narrow.
I felt like I would break.

At that moment I knew I would have to replace the fat with something else.
Somehow I would need to feel wide and present but without the extra fat.

I decided I would have to replace the fat with muscle and air.

You read that correctly.
Muscle and air.

The strength and breadth (sounds like breath, right?) of expanded lungs will fill in the "space" where my fat used to be.
The vibrations of sturdiness and oxygen will fill out my presence.

May 19th is the day I go to NYC to see my new nutritionist trainer!
Thus begins the filling out process.

I'm replacing the fat with muscle and air.
Deep breathing and circulating blood.
Built up nourished functioning muscles.

I'm not shrinking.
I'm filling out the space where there once was sadness, immobility and fat.
I'm filling it out with a brighter energy.

How's THAT for a fill-in-the-blank?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Would anyone dare judge Amma for her size?
I think not.
Amma, Satguru Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi
is the "hugging guru" who heals with love.
I forgot to show 'Darshan: The Embrace' in my class this semester!
It's a wonderful, devotional film.
We all need to know that Amma is.
click here or click below