junkie

"I'm a
recovering addict
and
recovering alcoholic.
I understand
the mania of obsession.

If one
is
good
50
is
better!
I
mean
I
cannot
stop,
ever!"
- Jim Norton in Monster Rain

Yeah, I've lost more weight.
Folks can see it in my recent pictures.

But don't give me TOO much credit for having overcome my binge eating addiction.
I've really just thwarted it...kinda.

On the drive home from Marni's last night I ate 2 Weight Watchers chocolate chip cookies (odious facsimile of actual food with all kinds of chemicals and fake crap listed in the ingredients).

At 90 calories each and not much nutrition, they are not the best possible snack.
But I wanted something sweet and cakey and there they were in my front seat.

I ate 2 while I was driving and wanted a third.

Like, really, really, wanted a third cookie.

But I resisted.
I stopped myself.

HOW??

I just knew a third cookie would make me feel nauseated.

See, when you have a gastric bypass the "pouch" (the new, smaller stomach)
is pretty sensitive (at least mine is).

But it takes a few minutes for food (in this case, "bad" food) to make it's way down the gullet, shimmying it's way down the esophagus to the pouch (I hate that word).

Once it's there...OY! the nausea!

It's a slightly delayed reaction.
An addict like me could eat too much of something and not suffer immediately.
It takes a few minutes for the punishing queasiness to kick in.

I KNEW it would happen, though.
The sickness would definitely happen if I ate that third cookie.

I told myself, "NO
...No cookie!"

I kept almost reaching for it.
I WANT!
No.
Give meeee!!!
No.

Then I told myself that the more I said "NO" the easier it would be to say
NO again in the future.

It worked.

The cookie eventually stopped calling out to me on my 40 minute drive home.

I did smoke a vanilla cigarette though.
And my throat is really scratchy from smoking too much lately.

Am I trading one addiction for another?

Maybe.

And ate 6,
yes 6,
sugar free Jellos last night at Marni's.
I overdid it but on something that's fairly innocuous.

So, am I still an addict?

I resisted the cookie but had to stick something in my mouth as I drove (the vanilla cigarette).

Well, I didn't HAVE to stick it in my mouth.
I just did.

So, yeah, the physical evidence of recovery is there.
I'm losing weight.

But the addiction is still not beaten entirely.

There's always more work to do.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...we are not born perfect knock-offs of God..."
I need to see this movie.
I bet it deals with addiction in a way that would resonate with me.
And who doesn't love, Sam Rockwell?
click here or click below

but first, a little chi chi!

"Defining myself,

as opposed to being
defined by others,
is one of the most
difficult challenges
I face."

- Carol Mosely-Braun

The chi is flowing!

The second Masters degree is hung on the wall.
The top shelves of my bookcases are dusted.
Mirrors and hooks that have been sitting in the "to-be-hung" pile
are up on the wall where they belong.
(Thanks Mikey, my love!!)

I didn't fall asleep till after midnight but I was awake at 5:42 am.
There is so much energy flowing around my apartment, it's making me peppy!

This is good.
I want to manifest a wake-up-early rhythm to my sleep patterns.
I want to be ready for full time work.

That 'readiness' includes having my apartment in order.
Having things cleaned out and filed away.
Selling off all the eBay stuff in the "to-be-sold" pile.
Having all my paperwork taken care of.
Being ready to become immersed in my profession.

That's a dream of mine.
Becoming a super-involved work-aholic.

I've always wanted a career that captivated me.
I never wanted to settle for a job that I would have to merely tolerate.
I never wanted to be one of those 9 to 5-ers who looked forward to the weekend.
Hating Mondays is too depressing for me.
I want to LOVE Mondays!

It's coming.
The air is full of possibility.

Good things come when we make room for them.

Clear out the cobwebs in your living space and in your mind.

Let the cool air of Autumn breeze its way into your life
and sweep you into the magic
of the best few months of holidays in
the entire calendar year.

Cleaning,
straightening out,
organizing,
chi generating care
takes the oppressiveness of I-should-be
off of your mind.

Get rid of what you should do.
Get it out of the way.

Make way for what you CAN do.

Create some space for possibility.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Expand your possibilities.
Don't let OTHER people's limited opinions of you keep
you from living your dreams.
Dream big.
Thanks, Margaret Cho!
click here or click below

Self after Fire

Me with the
vestibule dragon
at Shun Lee
just before attending the opera
La Gioconda at the Met last night.

"I never understood the mentality

of listening to a radio show
just to upset yourself.

People who do sh*t like that are
f*cking mentally and emotionally weak
and
they’re trying to find a purpose,
something to grasp onto.

They find something that offends them
and ruining that thing becomes their cause.
If I don’t like something,
I turn it off."
- Jim Norton

Snapshot of my life including
my latest obsession,
my Bosie Zeek the Bumble Bee
doing push-push on the sofa,
my degrees
(the second Masters degree is still in the
envelope and not yet on the wall),
my spaceships,
pillows,
and lots of mirrors
that I never look into.

The bolder I get, the more prepared I'll have to be to hear negative criticism.
For instance I never thought I'd get any negative feedback for being honest on this blog.
I would say 99.9% of the time I get positive feedback in the form of comments, emails and verbal support.

But every once in a great while, someone will tell me off.
I received a comment from someone telling me that they're disappointed in what I've become,
that I'm blaming karma for everything rather than taking responsibility for myself,
that my "near naked" pictures were unprofessional (?),
that I need to get over my child-like obsessions,
and get it together.

I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist of it.
After this person's not-at-all-veiled personal attack on
what I've become
over the course of this blog
o_O
They added that I have a lot to be proud of
and they believe in me.

This had the effect on me
of being pelted with caustic, nuclear waste
from someone who expected me to thank them for picking up a hose
to wash me off after their attack.
They even had the nerve to tell me not to be sensitive to what they had just said because I'm stronger than that.

Since this verbal assault I've spent the last two days like a shaking,
vulnerable,
freaked out
mess.

When did this happen?
I came home to it after spending my glorious
uplifting,
spiritually glowing,
affirming,
afternoon with my cousin Maria.
From a karmic viewpoint I understand that the universe was testing me.
I had taken a GIANT leap forward in embracing myself,
my viewpoint,
and my direction in life.

So, the universe shot a flaming arrow at me to see if I could withstand it.
I danced and flailed around letting the flames of this person's confused criticism
singe me.
But I finally stopped, dropped and rolled.
I put the flames out.
Yeah, my skin is still smoking a bit.
Yeah, I have to recover from the burn,
but I'm not destroyed
and I won't change back.

"Change can be frightening,
not just for you but for those around you
who have become accustomed
to you being a certain way.
You may find that your friends
and loved ones will try in subtle ways
to sabotage your efforts...
It's not that they want you to fail.
They just don't know how to adjust
to the changes in their own lives
resulting from your success."
- Nancy Schimelpfening

Sometimes I need to remind myself of The Four Agreements, one of which says to never take things personally.

I've been spending a great deal of energy feeling attacked by that person's comments when, on a cosmic level,
it has nothing to do with me.

They were reacting to the image of me they had in their mind.
They were speaking from a place of discomfort within themselves
over my not living up to their unrealistic image.

But really,
really,
it's not about me.

I took it personally when I should really have known better.

I reacted out of ego.

This was a painful learning experience for me with loads and loads of lessons woven into the fabric of it.

But I know,
I KNOW,
that being true to myself
is more important than living
up to other people's standards.

I just have to be resolute.

I have to remain strong.

I can't let my ego devour me like a Shun Lee dragon.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"There are divine reasons for our emotions..."
Be authentic.
Feel what you feel without judgment.
Beware of the pain of ego-based illusion!
Thanks, Melissa Van Rossum.
click here or click below

"I'm a
recovering addict
and
recovering alcoholic.
I understand
the mania of obsession.

If one
is
good
50
is
better!
I
mean
I
cannot
stop,
ever!"
- Jim Norton in Monster Rain

Not a perfect daughter...but authentic

My mother outside
our favorite Asian buffet.
She noticed the sunflower,
so I made her pose with it.

Rawly honest.
Vulnerability without facade.

It's not easy.
And it's important
folks see
how much it hurts
when there is
subtle to not-so-subtle cruelty
from ... 'haters.'
- Mir's review of my videos

"All I own
is myself and my
views
on stuff
so if I'm not talking
about myself
what the f*ck am I doing up there?
It's like ...
anything I do
is mine
to talk about."
- Jimmy Norton

"Expressing what you want
is a big deal for your
integrity.
But the real core of
deep honesty
is the "without apology"
part because apology implies
ou don't have a right
to be what you are.
But you have that right.
You have an intrinsic right,
a fundamental right
to be
what you are."
- Adam Khan on Deep Honesty

I told a white lie to my mother and canceled our standing Friday lunch date yesterday.
It was about time to risk being a less-than-perfect daughter.

I have been letting my 85 year old mother dominate my weekend time.
Thankfully, I have good (really good) friends who know how to talk to me.

My cousin Maria (see Maria with me above)
ran into Mother and me outside the Dollar Store a few weeks ago.
During our parking lot yap-fest Maria made an innocent observation.
She said, "Oy, the two of you sound like an old married couple!"

She meant it to be funny, but it freaked me out.

Suddenly, with the clarity of a freshly washed windshield,
I could see the excessive amount of time I had been
spending with my mom.

I mentioned it to Marni who said,
"Yeah, she is the main person you socialize with."

Whoa.

My other bestest friend, Matt had a similar reaction.
I joked that I must be some kind of martyr or something to be spending so much time with her.
He looked at me with that I-hate-to-tell-you face,
nodded,
and said,
"Yeah."

Double whoa.

I started to notice the way I was arranging my week.
It was a given that Friday lunches and Saturday afternoons belonged to me and my Mom.

Not a big deal if I had nothing better to do, but I was turning down other offers.

I was treating Fridays and Saturdays as unbreakable mother-plan days.
I noticed this disturbing habit but didn't do much about it at first.

Noticing a habit is good.
Having the guts to change it is even better.

So, yesterday I did.

Yesterday I told a little white lie to my mother to free up my lunch time.

My beautiful cousin Maria and I went to Cuban Pete's for a scrumptious lunch!

That's where I had a breakthrough.
My beloved cousin gave me such energy,
such validation
I felt like I was floating for most of the day.

"You are beautiful," she said to me with absolute love and sincerity.

I confessed that I had a hard time letting that in.

I told her that on Wednesday after class, one of my students had to remind me of how blessed I am. The student remarked that she had never seen so many students from previous semesters visiting a professor DURING class. She had never seen students embracing a teacher before. She said that if it she had witnessed it from one or even two students, that would have been remarkable but she was running out of fingers to count on and THAT was truly miraculous.
She told me that I was truly blessed to have inspired that kind of love.

blink
blink

I hadn't thought of it that way.
I had been giving my students the credit for being warm,
wonderful,
grateful,
supportive
and overall kind
(which they are)
but not giving any credit to myself....at all.

If people show me
love, respect and attention
I figure,
"Wow, I have THEM fooled!"

But the universe has been bombarding me lately with messages of
YOU HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL
and
KEEP GOING
and
BE YOURSELF
and
IT'S YOU, THE REAL YOU, NOT THE PEOPLE-PLEASER
who's inspiring people.

I'm getting up the nerve to be authentically who I am.
The freedom is almost surreal.

Is everyone applauding and approving of me as I do this??
No.

But the disapprovers are a scant (almost nonexistent) minority.

For the most part, the universe is with me on this.

The wind is at my back.

I know what I have to do.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Not a likely source of inspiration for me
but he's done wonders for my self-esteem
and creative drive over these past few weeks.
He is truly the genuine article.
No apologies.
I like when he says,
"...if you have a safety net you're not going to become obsessed..."
I love you, Jimmy.
click here or click below

Esteem Seepage

Jill Nicolini -
Anthony Cumia's ex girlfriend,
an actress,
a model
and
WB11's morning traffic reporter

"Sex appeal is
fifty percent what you've got
and fifty percent
what people think
you've got."
- Sophia Loren

"You start out happy

that you have no hips or boobs.
All of a sudden you get them,
and it feels sloppy.
Then just when you start liking them,
they start
drooping."
- Cindy Crawford

Always act
like
you're
wearing
an
invisible
crown.
~Paris Hilton

I don't like laughing at the expense of women, especially women with eating disorders, but I sure did laugh this morning.

Seems that Anthony Cumia (of Opie and Anthony - uh... I only listened to them this morning to hear my Jimmy Norton) had a rough break up recently (click here for story).

In this morning's recap of all the things he didn't like about her, Anthony revealed that Jill often had rumbling gas accompanied by anal leakage due to her use of a fat blocker.

Just so you know, fat blockers (like Xenecal and Chitosan) come with the following list of side effects that may include:

Oily spotting, anal leakage, intestinal cramping, gas with discharge, nausea, diarrhea, oily discharge, fecal urgency, loose and oily stools, fecal incontinence, frequent bowel movements, and inability to control bowels.

According to Anthony, ex-girlfriend Jill Nicolini left a noticeable pool of said seepage on his expensive sheets.

He also complained that her breast implants felt like a rubber Halloween mask filled with gravel (that's mean...not funny).

Which part did I laugh at?
When he was describing the side effects of the fat blocker he said he had no idea he was dating the Exxon Valdez. He didn't expect to be washing off ducks in his own bedroom.

That's what got me, the washing off ducks.

I laughed so hard, I kicked, screamed and rolled back and forth on my bed.
My cats poinked around wondering why Mommy had so much energy.

It's great to wake up to laughter,
but put aside all that mirth and I'm left wondering
WHY
people do what they do.

Why do people treat themselves and each other so badly?


I don't know much about Jill, but from what I've observed and
heard on the O&A show,
it sounds like she's had liposuction,
capped her teeth,
had breast implants,
takes fat blockers that give her diarrhea,
throws expensive parties to impress people,
destroys property in fits of jealousy...
but Anthony was proud to be dating her (at first) because she's "hot".

Gosh darn those two and their desperate need to work out some karma.

I'm not surprised by Jill's jealous,
destructive,
kinda illegal behavior
when she discovered Anthony in the act of infidelity with a 20 year old girl (not only did Jill damage Anthony's property she damaged the girl's property as well).

That kind of angry, lashing out seems like a logical consequence of poor self worth.
Look at how Jill molded her self esteem.
Hey, I'm not defending Anthony for being shallow about how his girlfriends should look.
But I WILL point out that he's very vocal about it.
It should come as no surprise to anyone that he
has standards (whether or not they're fair is not my concern right this second)
for how his girlfriends should look:
young,
thin,
big breasted,
tiny waisted,
round bottomed,
probably fair skinned,
and overall Hollywood pretty.

HE TALKS ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME!

Why is it a surprise to anyone that he'd be unfaithful in a relationship when a
younger,
blonder,
female
wants to give him attention?

And Jill?
It should come as no surprise to anyone that an actress, model, traffic-girl in her early 30's who posed for Playboy will most likely be using cosmetics, pharmaceuticals and other means to maintain a less than natural, Hollywood appearance.

Ok, we get how these two operate and where their values are.

Now let's talk about KARMIC CONSEQUENCES.

The infidelity on Anthony's part,
the jealous rage on Jill's part,
the resentment between them both,
no
effing
surprise.

Look how HARD they are on themselves.
Look how rough they are on their own and each others' self esteem.

They value material things,
money,
slick Hollywood body image,
ego
ego
ego.

It's no wonder a relationship with unhealthy expectations
for and from both parties
ended in
an unhealthy way.

And listening to all this over the past couple of days??
Not helping MY self esteem any.

In the O&A world girls with any kind of meat on their frames,
even a few pounds over stick-thin,
are considered second rate,
undesirable,
last resort,
depositories of disgust.

So when I looked at the pictures of myself that I wanted to put on the blog this morning,
all I could think of myself was,
"Blechh!!"
"Too fat!"
"Too old!"
"Gross!"
"No one will ever want you!"

Not good.

Not healthy.

Did my karma want me to seek out these feelings as
self sabotage?
or
for a kick in the ass to get me down to my goal weight?

or a little of both?

Don't worry, you couldn't PAY me to take a fat blocker.

I simply don't eat fat.

But what about that OTHER stuff I take in?
You know,
the stuff I feed my head.

Gotta watch that.

Gotta watch what I let into my brain
lest I be surprised at
what seeps out.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Can we just eat good food
and take care of ourselves?
Avoid these diet gimmicks.
They just aren't worth the side effects!
click here or click below

Addict Shun

"...the numbing repetitions
of everyday life,
whether in a monastery
or a house in rural South Dakota,
can lead to a sense of hopelessness,
leaving us
"immunized from feeling itself ."
- Cathleen Medwick

"I certainly understand unhealthy addiction...
I love anything that
removes me from the present.
And I do eat compulsively,
but so far it hasn't done more
than add fifteen extra pounds,
which I'd lose if I didn't have
the exercise regimen of
a truncated burn victim."
- Jim Norton in
Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty Breasted Zilch

What's so bad about the present moment that we have to avoid it with our 'drug' of choice?

Addiction protects us from the pain of the present,
but I want to know what it is we're avoiding.

Sitting still with ourselves shouldn't be so painful.
It shouldn't create that "ruthless spiritual sloth" we sometimes call 'depression'.
But it does.
So we binge.

We avoid.

We numb.
We go numb from numbing.

What are we avoiding exactly and why is it so terrifying that we'd rather slowly kill ourselves than let the present moment meet us where we're at?

Dammit.

Not that I would change a thing about my struggles...I wouldn't change much anyway.
My struggles with addiction have helped me to develop as a person.
Wrestling with these demons has made me stronger than I would have been if life were easy.

Maybe life shouldn't be easy.

Maybe it's so hard to sit with ourselves because it's supposed to be hard.
Maybe the value of struggle is the struggle itself.

I mean, what's a story without conflict?

Life is a story.

How boring it would be if we were born enlightened, lived in complete bliss, and died without having learned HOW to be blissful.

For the spirit, bliss comes naturally.
It doesn't need to become incarnate in human form to learn bliss.

What our spirits DO need is the thing that is NOT natural to it:
struggle.

We're born and slowly forget our natural state of complete bliss.
We come to life to experience pain, struggle, discontent, doubt and all the highs we get from relieving those discomforts.

Addiction is just our karma at work providing us the vehicle for a fight worth fighting,
not necessarily for the resolution but for the battle itself.

Think about it.
Once we slay one inner demon do we just coast through the rest of our lives?
No.
We continue to fight.

Fight
fight
fight.

The highs and lows of our addicted lives have value in themselves.

I'm beginning to find calm satisfaction in that knowledge.

Less misery and more purpose.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Darren sent this to me.
He told me it would make me cry.
It did.
We are not alone in our struggles, we just think we are.
We need to put on our Service glasses once in a while to remind us.
click here or click below

Sweet Habits

Kathy Freston cautions
that the way to full consciousness
isn't to give up every
poor choice at once.
She says,
"Lean into it."
Don't try to break a lifetime
of bad habits
overnight.
I'm leaning.
- Oprah

One minute it's Opie and Anthony,
the next it's the October issue of Oprah's magazine
where I got today's quote.

Bad habits?
How about choices that either evolve us toward or move us away from our goals.

Habits are coping mechanisms.
They're all "good" in the sense that they emerge from our desire to feel good about life.
Sometimes they serve as ways to distract us from more acute pain.
Sometimes they're ways to distract us from meaninglessness....the acute pain of meaninglessness.

Yeah, I guess it's all about pain avoidance.
Which is natural and human.

It's also human to be aware,
to be conscious,
to make choices.

We have the power over our own choices.
We can back off from the ingrained,
worn-a-groove
habits that keep us from attaining those scary
free fall
risky
things we call our
heart's desires.

Habits are familiar.
They're comforting.
They CAN lull us into that safe place of
no risk
no possibility
limits
and stasis
if
we
let
them.

It's a dangerous world out there.
Dangerous in that it's a place where our tender feelings can get really, really hurt.

I'd rather not get hurt.
None of us wants to get hurt.

Playing it safe can be very appealing.
Habits help us to play it safe.

But I'm not in my 20's anymore.
I am aware of my limited time on this planet
more now than ever.

I've spent time looking back with regret at the time I've wasted,
the years that could have been spent in riskier, more evolving pursuits.

Though I WANT to play it safe,
I also WANT to lead a life of no regrets.

Sometimes you have to choose the harder road in order to get what's good for you.

The in-the-long-run goals take more discipline to attain than the immediate pain-avoidance goals.

That's where habit control comes in.

Although I've eliminated my giant pitchers of artificially sweetened drinks from my diet, I still take in 4 packets of fake sweetener every day in my coffee.

That's a habit I want to change.

It's going to be a tough one.

But, hey.
I got off the Fat Free half and half and switched to Soy Milk even though I didn't think I could.

There's got to be a way to sweeten my coffee that won't slowly kill me.

Leaning.
Leaning in to a new way to sweeten my coffee.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Artificial sweeteners cause weight gain?
yeah, I knew that vaguely but this really explains it.
Damn that Sweet and Low!
click here or click below

God bless the outspoken ones

Opie's hot.
Mah boy doesn't look so great in this shot.
He's looking like one of the puppets
from Labyrinth.
Anthony has depth to his eyes.
There's kindness hidden in there.
See?
I can judge people
on their appearance, too.
Hmph!

I'm listening to the kings of chauvinism and trash talk, Opie and Anthony.
WHY?
Yeah, good question.

Well, I want to hear my Jimmy Norton.

But I don't think I could make this a habit.
I dunno.
Talk radio, no matter what the subject matter, is difficult to listen to...for me.
It's choppy.
I get nervous and embarrassed when jokes don't go well
or there's a lag in the conversation
or someone stutters or screws up somehow.

I'm listening and blogging at the same time.
It's difficult to write while listening to talk radio.

Opie and Anthony's show is guy-world.
Straight-guy-world.
Straight-middle-class-white-guy-world.
Guys ripping on each other.
Hurling sharp words at each others' vulnerability.
Playground one-up-manship.

Laughing like Beavis and Butthead at sexual innuendo.
Mean spirited commentary on EVERYTHING.

Now, don't get me wrong, some of this stuff is really funny.
I've laughed outloud a few times already this morning.

It's liberating to be able to laugh at taboo subjects,
to let go and be politically incorrect,
nay, downright subversive.

And my Jimmy is just a terror of hilarity.

I'm laughing and cringing.

It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live here.

It's too rough.
And I'm too tender.
Too soft.
I bruise easily.
I have too much empathy for others' feelings, too.

These guys are brutal.
They judge women (they judge everyone)
based on how they measure up to the Hollywood-porn-star-body-ideal and they do it with malice.

That's the price for being able to laugh at everything.
Nothing is sacred.
Nothing has a compassion-shield protecting it.
If one thing is funny then everything has to have the potential to be funny.

Bodies are punching bags for these guys.
Men get ripped on for being fat, flabby or out of shape.
Women get ripped on for being less than perky in the breasts, fat, old, whatever.

So what DO I find funny about these guys?
They make fun of hypocrisy.
They don't tolerate disingenuousness.
If you're full of sh*t they will poke at you till you deflate.
Their commentary on politics, pop culture, sports (yawn), and headline news is edgy.
They're unconcerned with good taste which leaves them room to be honest...real.
And Jim's self deprecation is frikken adorable.

We need controversial commentary that transgresses the edge of acceptability.
I may not listen to these guys every day, but I'm happy that they're there.

Even if it's just so we (we = sensitive women? sensitive anyone?)
know what to avoid
or see how not to act
or need a microcosm of patriarchal chauvinism to criticize.

From a social justice or humanist or feminist standpoint, we get to see exactly what we don't like.
Rubbing up against them might help us (us = sensitive women? sensitive anyone?)
be clear about what we're FOR and what we're AGAINST in the media today.

They add to the fabric of diversity.
What would the world be without actual choices between stuff?
Even if they're there for folks like me to say NO to, I'm glad they offer me that option.

I don't want them silenced
and if I do, I'll just stop listening.

For the duration of my free trial of XM radio,
I'll enjoy the edgy mean spirited choppy yap-fest.
I'll enjoy my Jim Norton and his kvetchy self-deprecating weirdness.

You can listen to and leave personal-style messages for Jim Norton by calling his
fan line (917) 267- 2602.

It's a GREAT service.
It's like audio blogging.
It's like Twitter for listeners.
I love it!
As soon as I'm working full time, I'm getting one for all you readers so you can listen to my histrionics at will.

Ok, time to think about more high minded, spiritual subjects, you know for that thing I call my job!
hahaha

God bless the outspoken ones.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Scrubs fan?
Even if you're not, this is such a great acoustic version of 'Overkill'
with Men at Work's Colin Hay.
I play this over and over and over to get me going in the morning.
Love it!
Enjoy.
click here or click below

don't reject yourself

See??
We're cut from the same cloth,
me and Jimmy,
except my cloth uses lots
of soft focus and glow effect.
Mah boy Jim is even
braver than I am.

"The special’s great.
The book is great.
But ...when I’m in the mirror,
I’m still looking at Jim Norton.
That stuff doesn’t change."
- Jim Norton

Hurley with his namesake!

I'm not getting my hopes up.
Well, I am...but I'm not.

Sure, I could look at that picture of Jim Norton in his underwear and think,
"Oh, he's not Ambercrombie hot or anything.
He doesn't fit the stereotypical Hollywood image.
He'll definitely be accepting
and
forgiving of
my
not-Hollywood-thin figure."

But I know better.
Not about Jim Norton.
I have no clue what he'll think of me
and my histrionic online personality.

What I mean is
that I know better than to see a person's flaws and expect them to forgive mine
just because I've forgiven theirs.

Believe me, I've been
thrown under the bus,
blocked,
ignored,
made fun of,
snubbed,
rejected,
and called flat-out weird
by the MOST FLAWED assortment of jag offs you've ever seen.

We're talkin' folks with
congenital physical flaws,
neurological disorders,
personality disorders,
mood disorders,
social phobias,
I mean, you name it,
I've been rejected by it.

So seeing mah boy Jim in his tighty whities
and seeing that he's not going to be auditioning for Sawyer's body double on LOST any time soon
is not as reassuring as one might think.

He's still a hot guy on TV and radio.
Let's face it, laughter is a powerful attractor.

Plus, there are these really attractive,
Hollywood-pretty females on his MySpace wall
saying all kinds of flirty stuff
(god bless him, he deserves the attention, but what does that mean for my chances of hanging with him?)

I'm scared.
Like any time
any of us
put ourselves out there and take a risk.

This could really hurt.

Or....it can be really great.

That's the thing.
You can't have anything really great success
without taking really great risk.

I tried to talk myself out of this.
I reasoned that he's too busy to meet me.
Then I reasoned that I'm not pretty enough for him.
Then I reasoned that his buddies wouldn't approve of me and would talk him out of giving me a shot.

I imagined him looking up my blog,
seeing my pics and thinking to himself,
"Ugh, another fat chick."

But HOW DO I KNOW what he'll think of me?
I don't.

I was going to shoot myself down without even trying.
Avoid getting hurt by avoiding possibility.
Play it safe.

If I talk myself out of trying to meet him
then I'd be rejecting myself.

If I'm gonna get shot down, I'll let him do it.

But if he thinks, "Hmmm, cool chick.
Yeah, I'll meet her,"
then it will have been
worth the risk!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
It's ok to fail your way to success.
But you have to TRY in order to
succeed or fail.
You have to take a shot, even if you get shot down.
These folks did...
click here or click below

It's a law, not a suggestion

"It seems like the same people
who would crucify a dirty comic
are the same people
who would defend
Robert Mapplethorpe.
Artists have this f*cking pomposity
where they think
they’re all
genius,
but if a comedian says something
under the umbrella of his art,
they’re like,
'He’s a pig.'
'It’s hate speech.'"

- Jim Norton

Authenticity is difficult.
To be honest with one's self is no easy task.

So, when folks ask me to discuss The Secret I have to be honest about it.
I'm skeptical about the efficacy of The Law of Attraction.

BUT....
and everyone loves a big butt...
my skepticism doesn't stop me from using The Secret in my life.

I believe, help my unbelief, ya know?

Here is a question I received yesterday from a reader (paraphrased to protect her identity):

One day we'll have to meet and you can lend some insightful words as to how to use
The Secret.
I'm trying but I think a part of me is resistant.
I (unfortunately) base my understanding of the world as a function of the application of the scientific method ...
So... I'm trying-really-really-really hard to not be so logical and to just be.
For example,
I'm writing book ... so far I've had 11 rejections from publishing companies.
I feel that my text is publishable in content (they even told me that)
and will eventually be published but if there isn't a market for my book,
how can I change that just by thinking about it??


Great question.
Let's start with being more CLEAR about your goal.
You want to get your book published.

No market for your book?
Says who?
People are wrong constantly.
Folks who have power, who are supposedly in-the-know, pass up great opportunities all the time.
For heaven's sake, Thomas Edisons' own wife said to him one night in bed,
"Tom, do you really think the whole world is going to wire itself for you and your crazy idea about electricity?"

Think about the movie studios who passed on Rocky or the recent Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
So many success stories include multiple rejections.

Plus, your goal is not to change the market.
Your goal is to get published.
Stop trying to figure out HOW the universe will fulfill your wish.
It will work out the details on its own.

Logic can trip you up.
The idea that there needs to be this in order for that to happen can screw you up.
Market for your book??
Of COURSE there's a market for your book!

What, you think you're the only person in the world with an interest in that subject matter?

"You are
not
special.
You are
not
a beautiful
or
unique
snowflake.
You're the same
decaying
organic matter
as everything else."
- Tyler Durden

And I know what's going through your head: yeah but....the market....no really, it's true....there's just no way...blah blah blah.

Keep arguing for your limitations and they're yours.

Or try convincing me that your problem is some immovable mountain that just can't be changed by your exercising your will.

I will not be convinced,
but you'll probably do a great job of convincing yourself
thereby sabotaging your efforts.

Do you want to publish the book or not??

Ok, then.

Imagine what it FEELS like to have the book published.
Imagine some weird, slim chance scenario of how some publisher might take a chance on it.
Market not ready for it?
There are PLENTY of adventurous editors who want to take a chance on what you're offering.
Imagine them and they will be there.

Keep dwelling on all the reasons why no one will want it and the universe will oblige.

Next is the misconception that all one has to do is think about something to make it happen.
If that were all it took, I'd have hit the PowerBall and I'd already be dating Jim Norton.
The Secret doesn't work that way.

You need to use imagination and feeling.
Imagine what it FEELS like to have the book published.
Smile as you think about it.
Kick the nagging doubts out of your head.
Laugh at the rejections and regard them as letters that say, "not yet" rather than "no".
Focus on what it will feel like to hear a YES.
Imagine what your book looks like bound and on sale.
Don't marry your objections.
Divorce the reasons that are keeping you from getting what you want.
They have no power unless you give them power.

I wouldn't bullsh*t you.
I wouldn't feed you some hokey, new age crap based on my own wishful thinking.

The Law of Attraction is a LAW.
It's simply how the universe works.

Tap into the power of it.

Just be ready to receive what you want.

Be careful what you wish for and all that.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
He's so self-deprecating and adorable.
And guess what!
One of my MySpace readers informs me that after trying couples' therapy, Jim and his girlfriend broke up.
Awwwww.
Told ya no one can understand and appreciate him like I can!
Hmph.
click here or click below

T V (no, not television)

dedicated to Jim Norton with deep gratitude for the endorphin releasing laughs

"There are at least
two
kinds
of
cowards.
One kind always lives
with
himself,
afraid to face the world.
The other kind lives
with
the world,
afraid to face himself."
~Roscoe Snowden

It was a perfect beach day.
Not too hot,
not warm enough to swim,
but perfect for lying on the sand,
listening to the waves crashing hard
from the after effects of hurricane Ike.

There were only a few folks sunning themselves,
leaving respectable distances between each other
as they parked themselves on their blankets and beach chairs.

I love to people-watch.
There was an older, red-headed woman in a bright, tropical bikini
and sarong who kept catching me staring at her.

I couldn't help myself.
She was unusual looking.
Older.
Looked to be in her 50's.
Bright, red hair in an asymmetrical bob.
Big, stylish sunglasses.
Chunky, native jewelry.
Perfectly manicured nails
and a toned, very muscular body.

She was obviously a body builder.

She looked AMAZING for her age.
Totally flat, cut abs.
Amazingly toned legs.
Defined arms.

It was encouraging to see a woman that age in such great shape.
And looking at her, you could tell it wasn't just my level of exercise
that she was doing
- the occasional yoga or kickboxing class plus lots of walking.

This woman was a body builder.
No doubt about it.

Marni and I napped and intermittently gawked at her till it was almost time to leave.
Then she started to walk toward us.

Oh, no.
Is she a salesperson of some sort?
Was she going to tell us off for looking at her so much?
Had we made her uncomfortable??

She smiled as she walked toward us.
When she spoke she had a sweet, lilting voice with an almost Southern drawl.

She introduced herself as Juliet.
Juliet asked if one of us wouldn't mind helping her out.
She wanted to send her sister in California a video of the Jersey shore.
Would one of us film her walking up the beach from the water?

Of course!
"Marni's a photographer!" I boasted.

As Juliet turned to walk away with Marni in tow, it hit me.
I looked at Juliet's back and gasped (to myself),
"oh my god....it's a guy!"

How could I have looked at her for all those hours and not recognized her as a transvestite?

Well, I'll tell you why.
Cuz she looked GOOD!!

After Marni filmed her she came and sat with us on our blanket.
She was grateful that we were so open minded and welcoming.

Well of course we are!

The universe led her to us.
We were just the right people for her to meet that day.

She's only a part time tv.
She maintains her male-gendered persona as a single father, a recent widower who lost his wife two years ago.

She's straight.
She wants to find a nice woman who will accept her,
tv habit and all.

Marni and I directed her to OK Cupid where she'll be able to meet a better class of people instead of the sexual predators she's been meeting on certain other sites.

We assured her that there are plenty of quality women who would totally understand and accept her unusual (but really not that unusual) transgendered personality.

Juliet was skeptical.

I told her it's every woman's dream to have a nice, regular,
guy's guy
who they can, wax, pluck, accessorize and dress up like Barbie.

Really?? She asked.

Well, Marni and I were living proof.

She asked us for advice on how to look more authentic.
She wanted us to tell her exactly the moment we went from thinking she was a woman to knowing she was biologically male.

Hey, she had me going a good long time!

I didn't even suspect until she was close up and she turned her back to me.

Otherwise, all good.

I hope she felt validated,
understood,
and encouraged.

She added to the magic of our day.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Oh, man!
He's still mentioning a "girlfriend" in his act??
sigh
but,
but,
but,
only I can understand and appreciate him!!
Dammit!
Ah well.
We'll see what karma has to say about my rabid crush on
Jim Norton.
click here or click below

Esteem Seepage

Jill Nicolini -
Anthony Cumia's ex girlfriend,
an actress,
a model
and
WB11's morning traffic reporter

"Sex appeal is
fifty percent what you've got
and fifty percent
what people think
you've got."
- Sophia Loren

"You start out happy

that you have no hips or boobs.
All of a sudden you get them,
and it feels sloppy.
Then just when you start liking them,
they start
drooping."
- Cindy Crawford

Always act
like
you're
wearing
an
invisible
crown.
~Paris Hilton

I don't like laughing at the expense of women, especially women with eating disorders, but I sure did laugh this morning.

Seems that Anthony Cumia (of Opie and Anthony - uh... I only listened to them this morning to hear my Jimmy Norton) had a rough break up recently (click here for story).

In this morning's recap of all the things he didn't like about her, Anthony revealed that Jill often had rumbling gas accompanied by anal leakage due to her use of a fat blocker.

Just so you know, fat blockers (like Xenecal and Chitosan) come with the following list of side effects that may include:

Oily spotting, anal leakage, intestinal cramping, gas with discharge, nausea, diarrhea, oily discharge, fecal urgency, loose and oily stools, fecal incontinence, frequent bowel movements, and inability to control bowels.

According to Anthony, ex-girlfriend Jill Nicolini left a noticeable pool of said seepage on his expensive sheets.

He also complained that her breast implants felt like a rubber Halloween mask filled with gravel.

Which part did I laugh at?
When he was describing the side effects of the fat blocker he said he had no idea he was dating the Exxon Valdez. He didn't expect to be washing off ducks in his own bedroom.

That's what got me, the washing off ducks.

I laughed so hard, I kicked, screamed and rolled back and forth on my bed.
My cats poinked around wondering why Mommy had so much energy.

It's great to wake up to laughter,
but put aside all that mirth and I'm left wondering
WHY
people do what they do.

Why do people treat themselves and each other so badly?


I don't know much about Jill, but from what I've observed and
heard on the O&A show,
it sounds like she's had liposuction,
capped her teeth,
had breast implants,
takes fat blockers that give her diarrhea,
throws expensive parties to impress people,
destroys property in fits of jealousy...
but Anthony was proud to be dating her (at first) because she's "hot".

Gosh darn those two and their desperate need to work out some karma.

I'm not surprised by Jill's jealous,
destructive,
kinda illegal behavior
when she discovered Anthony in the act of infidelity with a 20 year old girl (not only did Jill damage Anthony's property she damaged the girl's property as well).

That kind of angry, lashing out seems like a logical consequence of poor self worth.
Look at how Jill molded her self esteem.
Hey, I'm not defending Anthony for being shallow about how his girlfriends should look.
But I WILL point out that he's very vocal about it.
It should come as no surprise to anyone that he
has standards (whether or not they're fair is not my concern right this second)
for how his girlfriends should look:
young,
thin,
big breasted,
tiny waisted,
round bottomed,
probably fair skinned,
and overall Hollywood pretty.

HE TALKS ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME!

Why is it a surprise to anyone that he'd be unfaithful in a relationship when a
younger,
blonder,
female
wants to give him attention?

And Jill?
It should come as no surprise to anyone that an actress, model, traffic-girl in her early 30's who posed for Playboy will most likely be using cosmetics, pharmaceuticals and other means to maintain a less than natural, Hollywood appearance.

Ok, we get how these two operate and where their values are.

Now let's talk about KARMIC CONSEQUENCES.

The infidelity on Anthony's part,
the jealous rage on Jill's part,
the resentment between them both,
no
effing
surprise.

Look how HARD they are on themselves.
Look how rough they are on their own and each others' self esteem.

They value material things,
money,
slick Hollywood body image,
ego
ego
ego.

It's no wonder a relationship with unhealthy expectations
for and from both parties
ended in
an unhealthy way.

And listening to all this over the past couple of days??
Not helping MY self esteem any.

In the O&A world girls with any kind of meat on their frames,
even a few pounds over stick-thin,
are considered second rate,
undesirable,
last resort,
depositories of disgust.

So when I looked at the pictures of myself that I wanted to put on the blog this morning,
all I could think of myself was,
"Blechh!!"
"Too fat!"
"Too old!"
"Gross!"
"No one will ever want you!"

Not good.

Not healthy.

Did my karma want me to seek out these feelings as
self sabotage?
or
for a kick in the ass to get me down to my goal weight?

or a little of both?

Don't worry, you couldn't PAY me to take a fat blocker.

I simply don't eat fat.

But what about that OTHER stuff I take in?
You know,
the stuff I feed my head.

Gotta watch that.

Gotta watch what I let into my brain
lest I be surprised at
what seeps out.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Can we just eat good food
and take care of ourselves?
Avoid these diet gimmicks.
They just aren't worth the side effects!
click here or click below

The Secret and The Savior

"If I stop to help this man,
what will happen to me?"
But...
the good Samaritan
reversed the question:
"If I do not stop to help this man,
what will happen to him?"”

I'll tell you all about the tranny in a bikini tomorrow.
For now, I'll talk about the flat tire.

Marni and I were driving home from Point Pleasant on good ol' Garden State Parkway.
We were at Exit 120 when I felt that tell-tale pull and rumble that could only mean one thing:
flat tire.

I was annoyed.
Not only for the inconvenience but I also because I had to pee and was growlingly hungry.
Calling AAA would take time.
There would have to be waiting.
There would be all that time before I could go to the bathroom and eat something substantial.

Dam
dam
dam.

Good thing Marni was in one of her macho can-do moods!

She wanted to try changing the tire on our own.
My bladder and stomach agreed.
Let's save time and just change the dam thing ourselves.

So we did.

Well, we started to.
She got the car jacked up but we couldn't get the lug nuts off.
We couldn't even get them to budge.

We gave it an heroic effort.
We tried to leverage our weight.
We pulled muscles.
We tugged, pushed and jumped.

Nothing.

We decided we had to call AAA.

As Marni was giving it one last shot, I stood there on the side of the road watching the cars whiz by.

I was pissed.

I couldn't believe that two girls stranded on the side of the road trying to change a tire hadn't inspired ANYONE to stop to give us a hand.

What was wrong with people?

I stood there, pissed off, disappointed in humankind...
until I caught myself.

I know how The Secret works.
THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS.

If I wanted people to ignore us I could keep thinking about them ignoring us.
If I wanted to be disappointed in humanity I could continue to think about how disappointed I was.

So I switched gears.

I put my hands into prayer position and faced the traffic.
I breathed deeply.
I smelled the hot tar and exhaust from the speeding cars.

"You're out there," I thought.

I thought about WHO I imagined would come to help us.
A guy.
A big strapping guy....in a truck.
An image of a big, athletic guy in his 30's driving a pick up truck....the truck was white for some reason.
Maybe like a knight in shining armor on a white horse?

Part of me thought I was being ridiculous.
Part of me had an excuse at the ready for
why The Law of Attraction
was not going to work this time.

But I continued with my prayer as sincerely as possible.

I tried to imagine him saying, "You need help?"
Then pictured him kneeling next to the tire....

"Someone's coming!!" said Marni.

Hmm?

She said she heard a car door slam.

I looked right,
left, there was no one.

Wishful thinking on her part, I figured.

It was silly for me to imagine that I could conjure up a guy...

"Behind you!"
she said.

And

there

he

was.

No lie.

A big, 6'4"
middle aged
ex-football-player-looking
guy with a pack of Marlboro Reds in his pocket
offering to help us.

He introduced himself as the Assistant Volunteer Fire Chief of ____
who joked that it was his job to help
even though he was off duty.

He hunkered down and got to work.

As he and Marni fussed with the lug wrench and spare,
I stood behind him
almost crying.

I choked back the tears.
I didn't want to scare him with an outpouring of emotion.

This was a miracle.

And I didn't want to miss a moment of the
change-our-tire show.

Good thing he showed up.
We had the jack in the wrong place (my bad) and the car lurched forward when he tried to adjust it.
If Marni had been there she would have gotten crushed.

Whew!

He taught us how to use the jack.
Taught us how to get the lug nuts cracked.

Lickity split he changed the tire.

Off we drove into the distance,
looking back over our shoulders
at our savior in his white pick up truck.

Marni and I blinked at each other in amazement at our good fortune
and for being the magnets that attracted
exactly what we
wanted
from
the
universe.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
So, next I want a date with Jim Norton.
I'm ga ga for this guy.
He looks like a cross between Michael J. Fox and the Geico Gecko.
Besides stalking him till he gives in (just kidding, Jimmy)
I wonder if The Secret would work...
click here or click below

no lottery

- Jim Norton

Toothpaste for Dinner

Lisa for Breakfast

How weird is it that sometimes we dread doing the things we do best?
There are days (all the time) when I dread teaching.
I wish I had a nice, safe, boring desk job.

Then, I remember the times when I DID have a nice, safe, boring desk job and how
UTTERLY MISERABLE I was.

So, I'm either filled with dread or filled with utter despair.
(Hmph, and I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend?)

I'll deal with the dread.

I was very encouraged when I read an interview with cringe comic, Jim Norton.
He said that in the beginning of his career he used to wish that his gigs would get canceled.

I totally understand.

And I know that's why I'll never hit the lottery.

No, really.
The lottery is not what my karma wants.

If I hit the Powerball or something and I never have to work again I probably won't.
I'd be rich and comfortable.
I'd sit home ... a lot... and write all day.
I would not feel compelled to go out in the world and teach
or perform
or speak.

I know I have to fight through my urge to play it safe.
Fighting will make me better.
Playing it safe is not a good strategy for me.
It makes Lisa a dull girl.

If I'm too safe I won't grow.
I won't discover what I'm capable of.
I won't progress.

I have to squeeze myself like a resistant toothpaste tube to force out my contents.

But wouldn't it be nice to have a dull, boring, safe desk job during the day at least?

Might be nice to have a paycheck and some benefits.

Let me do some creative visualization and get back to you.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Need some help with your vision-ing?
Let the Simpsons show you how.
click here or click below

chop wood, carry happiness

I want to be beautiful.
I want to be loved.

Ok, then what?

What if we're already beautiful and loved
and
we just need to discover that about ourselves?

Yeah, ok.
So, we discover that about ourselves.

Fine,
fine,
fine.

We have it.
We're beautiful.
We're loved.

Now what??

We're still left with the business of finding meaning in life.

Yesterday, I said to Darren that folks who are constantly suffering
heartache,
disappointment,
dissatisfaction in relationships,
are karmically seeking out those frustrating feelings.

It takes lots of time and energy to be
dissatisfied,
suspicious,
mopey,
and heartbroken.

It's also a great way to place the responsibility for our own happiness
on someone else.
We can bitch and moan about the other person
as if we're doing everything right and they're somehow not
living up to our expectations and THAT'S what's making us unhappy.

We make the other person responsible for our happiness AND our unhappiness.

What's the alternative?
Taking responsibility for ourselves??

Ha!

The old cliched relationship advice says
we have to love ourselves before someone else can love us
or
we have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy
with someone else.

No,
no,
no, we tell ourselves.
Let me have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Let me have someone to tell me I'm good,
pretty,
worthy,
loved
and THEN I'll be happy.

Ok, let's just say we DO get that.

We're left shrugging going,
now what?

We still have to find our purpose in life.
We still have to create meaning for ourselves.

That takes guts.
It takes work.

Most people will continue to create drama in
their lives,
even when they GET the great relationship.

We'll do anything to avoid having to make meaning,
to develop our talents,
to be significant,
to make our mark on the world
and to be responsible for ourselves.

I guess what I'm saying is that
happiness
takes
work
and
a heroic level of responsibility.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
The way to happiness begins with
taking care of yourself!!
"The Way to Happiness ...depends on the survival of all others...without the survival of others, no joy and no happiness are attainable."
(Warning: this is a video made by the Church of Scientology.
I am in no way endorsing them.
But, hey, this IS a great video!
Truth is where you find it, man.)
click here or click below

karma diet

"If you believe that you want
to have this
surgery
so that you
do not
have to change what you eat
you are mistaken.
If it works right,
this surgery changes WHAT you eat,
not just how much.
All patients eat less.
Typically those individuals who find
that they can eat anything they want
after they have the surgery
are the same individuals who either
lose little weight
or
eventually gain the weight back."
-Kaiser Permanante pre-surgery release form

Don't let anyone oversimplify your experience.

Don't let anyone tell you,
"...if you would just ____ you would lose weight..."

Or, you could let them.

It's up to you.

After all I've been through, I know that my goals are complex
therefore my solutions are complex.

If it were just about losing weight I'd have someone lock me in a cage and feed me celery and vitamins till I was thin.

Then they could let me out of the cage and I'd still have
an eating disorder to heal,
nutritional deficiencies,
saggy skin,
damaged self esteem,
almost guaranteed regain of the lost weight,
and an injured spirit.

Hey, if losing weight is your only goal,
go on a diet and be done with it.

Oh, but you want to KEEP THE WEIGHT OFF??
Well, now we're talking.

Now we're gonna have to play with the big kids,
the hard stuff,
the working out of our karma,
the healing of our psyches.

Not for the timid.

We all need to heal in some way.
Your karma may manifest as extra weight or some other condition.

Attacking the symptom does not heal the disease.

Trust me.

Or don't trust me.
Just read this blog.

You'll see.

I hear from all kinds of folks, some who've lost over 200 pounds in less than a year.
My initial reaction is to compare myself to them and feel I'm not doing enough.
Or I'm not doing it right.

Phooey.

Every one has to work out their karma
THEIR WAY.

Hear that, self?

Work out your karma YOUR way!!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"...all weight is karmic..."
Ha!
I KNEW I was onto something!!
Watch this.
He speaks in a slow, measured pace, but stay with it.
Listen.
Please.
I am so lit up by the truth of it!!
Thank you, Baba.
click here or click below

Beauty Sleep with water

With makeup.

Without makeup.

With makeup.

I feel guilty resting because I feel like I'm cheating.
I feel like I'm not doing justice to my life.
Like I should always be productive, accomplishing, moving forward, slightly suffering, never at peace.

But when I DON'T rest adequately I pay the price.
I feel sluggish.
I get sick easily.
I can't focus.
And I look like crap.

Same happens when I forget to drink water.
If all I drink during the day is soda and coffee I start to look haggard.

I drag myself around.

Sometimes all it takes is 16 oz of water with lemon and I'm back on my feet.
Sometimes it takes a few envelopes of Emergen C or Airborne
plus a nap
or two
or three.

Today I feel throaty.
My glands are swollen.
I feel like I'm about to get sick.
But, I DON'T WANT TO GET SICK!

Not that anyone does, but you know how our bodies are.
Sometimes they NEED to get sick to get rid of toxins.
Sometimes our bodies will catch a cold so we'll be forced to rest.
Sometimes being sick is like hitting the reset button.

I did that over the summer.
Do I have to do it again??

I hope not.

I hope I can sleep this off.

And drink.

Drink it away.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Oooh look!
Hypnotic suggestions to make us want to drink water!
Great music, too.
click here or click below

My Lee

All dressed up for the MiLi
(pronounced My Lee
as in "she's just bein' Miley")
adventure!

Cuban Pete's,
Cafe Eclectic
AND
Jim Norton!
Cuz
we're
that
cool.

"Wait... look, it all sounds great
when you say it like that.
But the truth is
most of that was
just luck.
I didn't know
what I was doing
half the time,
I nearly always had help..."
-Harry Potter

I'm getting better.
I'm more able to look at pictures of myself
without thinking: EEEWWWWW.

Yeah, the self-critical thoughts still happen.
Wishing my hair was long again.
Wishing I was younger looking.
Wishing I had a flat stomach and a perky rack
blah blah blah.

But I'm feeling a stronger feeling of: I'm OK.
As I was photo-tuning today's pics, I noticed that I was
feeling less of an aversion toward myself.
Less of a 'yuck' feeling.

I looked at the pics from last night and thought,
"I'm not so ugly."

Then I cried.
A really hot-tears-streaming-down-my-face kinda cry.

I'm not so bad.
I'm kind of appealing in my way.

I have good base-features to work with.

I definitely look healthier and happier than I used to.

Is this sudden shot of self esteem the consequence of
... uh...certain new input in my life?

Maybe.

It would have been great if I summoned up my more-healed self esteem
all on my own.
But is it really such a crime to be uplifted by appreciation from others?

If we didn't need encouragement from others there wouldn't be a need for
teachers,
counselors,
mentors,
life-coaches
and gurus.

I guess the trick is to be uplifted by encouragement
but not get defeated by naysayers and critics.

Ah,
there's always a trick,
right?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Yeah, there's always a trick.
And here's the coolest magic trick of all time.
click here or click below

BeComing and Coming

Left: Spring 2006 weighing 377
Right: Yesterday weighing 240ish

What's that Xander-kitten doing, Bosie Zeek?

Mah punk, Xander sits wit da Buddha.


"One of the mistakes we make
is that we think
we 'need' something or someone;
then we will be happy.
When your goal is to lead a happy life,
then your subconscious
will get you there
and it won't depend on
your getting a new home,
a Rolls Royce,
a new lover or whatever.
Those goals are okay;
just remember,
your idea that you postpone happiness
until you get them means that
odds are you won't be happy
when you get them
either."
- Harlan Jacobsen

I guess there's a difference between saying,
"I will be happy"
and
"I am happy"

A difference between
"I will lose weight..."
"I will get that job..."
"I will treat myself better..."

and

"I lose weight easily and consistently."
"A fulfilling job is mine."
"I treat myself well."

If it WILL be then it hasn't happened yet
and our brains know that.
Our brains know the difference between now and the future.
Our brains don't know whether it's true.
They only know what we tell them.

"As the skiers mentally rehearsed the downhill runs,
the electrical impulses heading to their muscles
were just the same as those they used
to make turns and jumps when they were skiing the run.
The brain sent the same instructions to the body
whether the skiers were simply
thinking
of a particular movement
or actually carrying it out.
Thought produced the same
mental instructions as action."
- Lynne McTaggart, Ode Magazine

"Will be" is a postponement.
"Is" means now.

I guess we have to be careful what we say to ourselves.
We're gullible.
That's good news if we're willing to feed ourselves empowering thoughts.
It's bad news if all we can do is feed our minds more of the same negative stuff that got us where we don't want to be.

I guess we have to be clear
about
what
IS
is.

I guess we have to be willing to receive
our heart's desire, now.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Always in the present tense.
Always with gratitude.
Always dwelling on what's good!
click here or click below

we deserve the runway

"I think that whatever
size or shape body you have,
it's important to embrace it
and get down!
The female body
is something
that's so beautiful.
I wish women would be proud
of their bodies
and not dis other
women for being
proud of theirs!"
-Christina Aguilera

My initial urge was to do a lot more soft-focus and blurring on these pics but
what good would I be as a model for beautiful-at-any-size self esteem if I did that??

But let me analyze my own reactions to these pics.
Why?
Because I'm not alone.

I'm not the only woman, girl, female who looks at herself and immediately thinks: EWWW.
Just Google "women body image" and for fun add "self esteem" and you'll see what I mean.

We're struggling.
We're fighting against an enemy that's difficult to pin down.
Media,
fashion industry,
the Hooters mentality,
the Girls Gone Wild mindset,
the capitalist system that depends on perceived deficiencies in order to generate desire for products we don't really need (but don't mistake me for a socialist, please...I'm just sayin').

We can change the world.
We can fight injustices.
We can change what's socially permissible.
But, it takes time.

We aren't going to end the obsession
with waif-like youth in the media in time to save our fragile self esteem.

Are models too Skinny?? (click here)

We may see changes in our lifetime.
We may see changes before the next decade.

I've already lived through a whole cycle of body trends.

Remember, we had Twiggy in the 1960's...

...then models became more athletic
like Cheryl Tiegs in the 1970s...

...then they became bigger, more Amazonian
like Christie Brinkley and Kim Alexis in the 1980's...

...then there were THE supermodels of the 1990's like Naomi Campbell and Estelle LeFebure.

They were downright thick.

Then this happened...
...and we're back to Twiggy.

The skinny backlash.
Just in time for the third wave of feminism.

Just in time for me to be learning how to love my body.

-sigh-

Well, posting today's pics are a start toward loving my curvy, bad self.

I'm catching my critical thoughts and reframing them.
I'm catching my disgust over my roundness and my curves and instead I'm thinking,
"my round curves feel soft and yielding to the touch...I'm warm and voluptuous...
I'm sexy and anyone who can't see that is not invited to be near me anyway!"

hmph
So there.

Love me,
love my voluminous body.

Hear that self??
Love my voluminous body!!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
High fashion runway show with Size 14 models!!
No lie.
You GO girls!!
And this is NOT a bbw lingerie show or anything like that.
Big, beautiful women are not merely to be fetishized by men who happen to like
bigger women rather than small (not that there's anything wrong with that, but why should our legitimacy come from men's sexual tastes only??).
We don't have to wear corsets to be sexy and confident and
to DESERVE a runway show!
We deserve high fashion!
click here or click below

This isn't just about typos, tape, staples and pencils...

Most people think that the best way
to live is to run from pain.
But a much more joyful life...
embraces the entire spectrum
of human feeling.
If we can fully experience
pain as well as pleasure...
we can live a much deeper
and more meaningful life.
- from Secretary

"In one way or another,
I've always suffered.
I didn't know why,
exactly.
But I do know that I'm
not so scared
of
suffering
now."
- Secretary Lee Holloway


"What
goes
on
inside
that
head
of
yours?"
- Mr. Grey

Ok, maybe I'm a little happy now.
We'll call it late-onset happiness after getting something
that I wanted.

It's funny how the brain takes time to adjust to new feelings.
It's easier... less complex to experience more-of-the-same.

"Like attracts like,
specifically
when we are
referring
to
thought."
- Dr. Matthew J. Loop

So, yeah.
All the building blocks for happiness - satisfaction, acceptance, pleasure, achievement - are all in place yet the brain is waiting to be told to
do
something
different.

Enjoy life!

Get out of the dissatisfied,
suffering groove and be frikken joyful!!

"Lis, you're the only person
I know
who can turn
happiness
into a competition."
- Marni Cerise

Like Charlie Brown turning Christmas into a problem.
hahaha

Adjusting to happiness is like being in a darkened movie theater for a matinee
then going outside
forgetting that the sun is blasting
and having to blink into the blinding light.
It takes some getting used to
but our eyes do adjust.

How sad it would be if we ran back inside to the darkness
and waited till after sunset to leave the movie theater.

We'd never be able to enjoy a matinee.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"You come from me,
but you are not me.
Your soul and your body
are your own...
and yours to do with
as you wish."
click here or click below

happiness is not satisfaction

Oh, look! The new camera gets
more of my body in the frame so I don't feel like I'm always doing face-only shots.

And not from my usual
3/4 profile angle either.
Really getting out of my
comfort zone
now!!

"Attitudes
are
more
important
than
facts."
- Karl Menninger, M.D.

Satisfaction zaps creativity.
All that wanting,
all that striving,
all that visualizing
to get to a "goal".
Then you get it and....meh.

There is no movement.
Only stillness.
And I don't know how to be still.

I don't know how to just go,
"ah, refreshed,"
and feel good for having attained
that glittery something I wanted so badly.

The "having" is not what I thought it would be.

There's this absence of something to look forward to,
an absence of something to work for,
an absence of desire.

That's why I'd make a terrible Buddhist.
Buddha said that desire leads to suffering.
By giving up desire and being happy in the moment we
have access to nirvana.

But what good is nirvana in life?
Nirvana in the after life?
Well, that's different.
But during life?
I need to be dissatisfied or
I feel like I have no drive.

This morning I sure am satisfied.
I wish I could be happy about it.

I guess satisfaction and happiness are not the same thing.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
True bliss or enlightenment is not the same as happiness.
Happiness is something else.
Perhaps it's in the seeking.
click here or click below

potentiating

Bravery
is posting pics
of yourself with no makeup
and no
hair-do!

Wow.
27,467 people have watched my video on YouTube (click here)
that we filmed 5 days after my gastric bypass back in August 2006.

I better get in the game fer serious right about now.
I've got something here.
27,000?
That's a heck of a base upon which to build a following for my
book
and whatever other products I'll be putting out there
to help people realize their divine potential.

But first...
I want to have a story to tell.

Not that the story has to be finished before I tell it.
The story is never over.
We are always becoming who we can be,
always blossoming,
unfolding,
developing,
and if we're not,
then we're stagnating
and that's a form of death.

I'm not stagnating.
I am living.

I just want to kick it up a notch
or two
or three
before I take my act on the road.

I want people to see a highly developed potential in me
so they will want to know how I got here.

Then, I can help them.

Cuz I know that we all have it
- whatever "it" is -
already.
We just bury it
or avoid it
or obscure it.

We have the energy.
We have the potential.

We just have to drop the anchors in our lives so that we can sail.
Freely.

So, yeah.
Kick it up a notch.

Taking action rather than playing it safe.
Keeping commitments for the sake of living more fully rather than some
oppressive notion of "have to".

Eating less because I actually have better things to do than sit home and eat.

Bringing more to my teaching.

Taking risks in the job arena.

And maybe, just maybe, having a hot date.

Hot.

Really hot.

Did I mention, hot??

Hell, I earned it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I don't want to demonize skinny bodies.
Some folks are just naturally very thin.
I don't want to demonize ANY body type!
We come in all kinds of sexy shapes and sizes.
I can
I can
I can
be sexy now.
click here or click below

oh, that Maggie Gyllenhaal

First Mr. Grey (James Spader),
then The Joker (Heath Ledger)...
that Maggie Gyllenhaal
really gets the
"juicy" roles!

"...and you ARE beautiful."

Mr. Grey: What's going on with the sewing kit and the Band-Aids? Lee...? Why do you cut yourself, Lee?

Secretary Lee: I don't know.

Mr. Grey: Is it that sometimes the pain inside has to come to the surface... and when you see evidence of the pain inside... you finally know you're really here? Then when you watch the wound heal it's comforting, isn't it?

Secretary Lee: I...that's a way to put it.

Mr. Grey: I'm going to tell you something. Are you ready to listen?

Secretary Lee: Yes.

Mr. Grey: Are you listening? You will never... ever... cut yourself again. Do you understand? Have I made that perfectly clear? You're over that now. It's in the past.

Secretary Lee: Yes.

Mr. Grey: Never again.

Secretary Lee: Okay.

Mr. Grey: Now, you know what I want you to do? I want you to leave work early. You're a big girl... a grown woman... your mother doesn't need to pick you up every day. I want you to take a nice walk home... in the fresh air, because you require relief. Because you won't be doing that anymore, will you?

Secretary Lee: No, sir.

Mr. Grey: Good.

"No, not for my pleasure or yours,
I do it because you need it."
- J.M.

Secretary Lee:
I'm going to walk home

from now on.

I took a shortcut
through Hawkins Park,...
and it was as if
I'd never taken a walk
by myself before.
And when I thought about it,...

I realized that I had probably
never had taken a walk alone.

But because he had 
given 
me
the 
permission
 to do this...
because
he'd insisted 
I do it,
I
felt
held
by him
as I walked along.

I've written about this before.

I said,
"Remember in that movie 'Secretary' starring Maggie Gyllenhal and James Spader?
Her character was a cutter.
She had a little sewing kit with all kinds of hideous tools for slicing herself,
her private ritual of pain and self-mutilation.
Spader's character explained her own behavior to her saying that externalizing her pain by cutting was an attempt to heal her emotional pain.
That by making her inner pain manifest in the cutting of her own skin she was able to watch it heal thereby resolving it.
He then told her that she
DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT ANYMORE
and that she would NO LONGER CUT HERSELF.
The next scene was of her tossing her cutting kit off a bridge into the river.

She was free.
A trusted voice had given her permission to stop hurting herself.

Now, why couldn't she just do that for herself?

It's that mysterious, powerful outside influence.
The same mysterious power wielded by my hypnosis master.
The same mysterious power wielded by the Benedictine priest at the healing mass.
The same mysterious power I feel when I hear (JM) speak.

Yes, perhaps I'll continue to question the mystery.
In the meantime I'm grateful that it works.

Submission can be a good thing."

I understand it but have never been able to maintain that kind of submission to anyone's will.
It takes a looooot of energy to keep the Mr. Grey/Lee Holloway thing alive,
on both parts.

Serious focus.
Intense dedication.
Energy.

I'm not sure it's a place I could live.
It may just be a place I'd like to visit.

I may not have the tolerance to live there.
Like people who vacation in Hawaii and think,
"wow, i could live here"
but could they?

Could they give up control and adopt the Mahalo lifestyle?
Could they give up the mainland?
Could they let go??

The question is, can I??

Yes Sir, Mr. Grey.
Mr. Grey.
Mr. Grey.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
I love her dainty walk in this clip.
The only time I've seen her as beautiful is in the
blue gown when The Joker is telling her
"...and you ARE beautiful."
click here or click below

Supermurgitroid

I forgot to blog this morning!!
I was up at the crack of my ass (6:00am)
and full of energy.
Can't imagine why (see Jazz/Moose above).
...ahem...

And I dusted.
Yes.
First thing in the morning, I dusted.

This is a big deal,
Why?
I rarely dust.
Like, rarely.

Sometimes the tv area in the living room gets dusted because my company and I tend to look in that general direction quite often.

My visual pleasure matters to me.
So, yeah, the tv area gets dusted.

But the hutch next to my bed that doubles as a vanity??
Never.
Hardly ever.
Like 4 times a year,
maybe.

Something...

...no idea what...


...can't imagine who...


must have my chi all stimulated.

God help me.

But hey, you can't sneeze at stimulated chi,
or you can sneeze,
cuz the layers
upon layers
of dust
tumbling off the top shelf of the never-dusted hutch
might just make one sneezy.

ACHOOOO!!!!

All it takes is a catalyst,
pushing one's self,
getting pushed by some enlivening event...

...or chance meeting...
...and you expand on it by DOING something.

Cleaning up,
cleaning out,
clearing out dust and cobwebs
allows energy to flow.

Taking care of one's self is an act of self love
that leads to more acts of self love.

So, even if there is no event...
...or chance meeting...
...just know,
for sure,
for certain,
that
once you're doing something,
once you're in motion,
it gets easier
and
easier
to stay in motion.

Fer real.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"I can't give you anything but love, baby..."
I was one year's old when this was on TV.
I wonder if my parents had it on.
click here or click below

mo tive a tion

"...the leader's challenge
is not to take lazy people
and transform them into
industrious types.
Rather it is to channel
already existing energies
into the most
worthwhile endeavors.
People do not like being
lethargic and bored.
They will welcome the manager
who can teach them to enjoy their work,
or
the teacher who will impart
to them a love of learning
that causes school to go swiftly."
- Alan Loy McGinnis in Bringing Out the Best in People

We're all motivated.
There are plenty of things we do, complex things, difficult things, for which we don't need outside motivation.

Some of our leisure activities are quite stressful, time consuming, physical, and yet we do them with no hemming or hawing.
We have no need to talk ourselves into doing them.

"..."there is no such thing as an unmotivated person,"
says R. J. Wlodowski, a professor of education
at the University of Wisconsin.
"It is more accurate to say,
'Harry is not motivated to learn with me.' "
For Harry will spring out of bed
at three o'clock on the morning if a fishing trip
and display plenty of motivation.
Watching factory workers
hurry out of a parking lot
at the end of a shift quickly dispels
any notion that they are inherently lazy.
They are in a rush to get to evening activities
some of which will be more taxing
than anything they have done
at the factory."
- Alan Loy McGinnis in Bringing Out the Best in People

Desire is funny that way.
Desire makes you do things that under
desire-less circumstances would feel like dragging one's self through mud.

Like that walk I took on the battery in Charleston a few days ago.
I wasn't walking because I had to.
It wasn't some oppressive commitment that made me go walking.
I WANTED to walk
and it was nearly effortless.

Here's the thing:
sometimes it takes WORK to cultivate desire.

It took two years of rigorous self-examination,
experimentation,
pushing through my own resistance
and all kinds of work
to get me to the point where desire walks on.

Speaking of desire, I have a date Tuesday with the gorgeous,
long haired,
blue eyed,
Welsh, Irish, German, English, Scottish,
_ _ year old jazz musician.

Not sure if he's a little shady or
just a very cool guy who plays things
close to the chest.

How marvelous this would be if things worked out for me with this one.
Imagine, a guy who's really REALLY into me.

He says he's not intimidated by me but rather, "intrigued and wanting".
His words.

Hot, right?

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Well, I DID ask the universe for him.
I DID visualize this.
Blue eyes and all.
click here or click below

-

da Queen

Well, loverboy turned out to be a little shady, but hey, I feel like I'm back in the game.
He might redeem himself but even if he doesn't, it sure was fun to have a potential-boyfriend for a day.

And let me add, boyfriends are time consuming.
Maybe too time consuming.
Maybe that's why I don't have one.

I have sh*t to do.
Sh*t that's more pressing,
fulfilling
and meaningful to me than
getting attention from some guy.

So, if he want's my time and attention, he better work for it.

Be careful what you ask for.
When you get it, you may not want it as badly as you thought you would.
I'm just sayin'.

He's IMing me right now but half-assed-ly.
Like you can tell he's talking to other girls at the same time as me.
Which is fine.
God bless him.

Cuz I'm about to go take a shower without so much as a
brb
or bi.

Ohhh, feel that self esteem seeping back into me.

Ah, it's good to be da Queen!

Oh, and speaking of Queen, my digital camera is broken.
It will cost too much to fix it so I'm going to buy a new one.

I want you to see what I look like with a tan :-)

Namaste mah peeps!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"Love your body...how do you do that??"
Dr. Jenn answers our questions.
She's funky and cool.
click here or click below

opens a window

"Too many people
are thinking of security
instead of
opportunity.
They seem to be
more afraid of
life
than
death.
- James F. Bymes

Bad news turns to good news if we're open to it.
I was.

I generated some chi yesterday.

Sent out a bunch of resumes to some really promising jobs for which I am definitely qualified.

Did a rare thing. I wrote out lecture notes for my classes.
It felt great to be prepared.

Taught two back to back 2 1/2 hour classes in the new, enormous, theater size lecture hall with AWESOME students.

Hung out with a former student (one of THE most enthusiastic students ever) who just completed a whirlwind Disney internship.

Chi
chi
chi.

I kept a positive, open attitude all day.
I didn't sweat any perceived set backs.

Then the universe rewarded me.
I woke up today to a nice message in my OKCupid Inbox

from a guy who looks exactly like this...


No, really.
That's exactly what he looks like, ponytail and all.
I thought it might actually be him, but it's not.

The age range that I like.
Impeccable musical taste.
Musician.
Bohemian.
Semi-fanboy.

And HE contacted ME!

Finally the attention I deserve.

It's so funny how the universe gives you what you ask for when it's in line with your karma.

The carny guy (the one in the picture above) who I gave that note to in July, who did not contact me, was soooo cute.
I remember standing inside that muggy, uncomfortable sideshow tent looking up at him from the audience and thinking,

"God, if I can't have HIM, can I just have one who looks exactly like that
and
who's really INTO me??"

Could this morning's contact be the universe's way of saying,
YES!

Even if it doesn't work out, the floating on air,
wow-isn't-it-great-to-live-in-possibility feeling is nice.

I'll ride that wave till it crashes.

But even if it crashes, wave energy is never lost.

Yay verily, I am hopeful.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
We hold the key to our own future...
click here or click below

a rejection show

"Disappointments are
to the soul
what a thunder-storm is
to the air."
- Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller

“You can’t win, Darth.
If you strike me down,
I shall become
more powerful
than you
could possibly
imagine.”
- Obi Wan

My wish did not come true.
Professionalism (my modest amount of it) keeps me from giving too many details,
but suffice it to say, I won't be getting the 'dream job' I was going for.
The position itself is gone.
Removed.
Revoked.
Strategically eliminated.
And yes, it was personal.

How funny.
No, how absurd.
Me.
I never thought that I (me, ME) would be considered 'too conservative' politically.
But, there it is.

I stood by my convictions and it cost me.

Oh, well.

Better to lose with integrity than win by pandering to ideals I cannot stomach.

So, I'm back to square one.
And finally, FINALLY, I'll be taking my dear friend's advice.
I am spamming my resume around like Cheney with a gun full of birdshot.

Disappointment?
Hah!
Rejection?
Bah!

They only make me more spiteful and motivated.

I'll show them.

I will not go quietly into any dark night...or Dark Knight...or dork nite...
yeah.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
"There are plenty of good things about rejection..."
It's called The Rejection Show hosted by Jon Friedman.
Marvelous idea!
Let's celebrate our failures because we know,
each rejection brings us that much closer to our heart's desire, success.
click here or click below

little bites add up

A couple of little slip ups and there was hell to pay.
A few bites of this and a few bites of that really add up...
to car-sicky nausea.

I spent the long weekend eating things that were not exactly what I'm used to.
There was that half a salad with oil on it (made me queasy).
There were the sauces, light though they were, that had one too many teaspoons of oil in them (made me nauseated).
There was the one, ONE, bakery dessert I had at the Jefferson Hotel in Richmond.
I had a slice of their famous apple pie.
Wholesome.
Good, fresh ingredients, but rich.
Not good once it was in me.

What did they have at that breakfast buffet??
No egg whites, only scrambled.
No grainy breads, only white.
Fatty meats.
Sausage gravy (which is NOT just gravy but puree of breakfast sausage in milk with flour).
Oily potatoes.
Buttery grits.
Greasy biscuits.
Pastries.
French toast.

There were some good options for me.
Fresh fruit.
Plain oatmeal.
Tomato juice.
Dried papaya.
Muesli.

But there was also a little of this and a little of that on my plate.
Half a teaspoon of the sausage gravy, just to try.
Half a tablespoon of the grits.
One forkful of some very rich french toast.
Half and half in my coffee.

Those tiny-tastes added up to a day's worth of queasy,
uncomfortable,
God-please-end-this,
sick to my stomach,
nausea.
And we were in a moving car driving back to NJ, which didn't help at all.

Rest stop foods didn't help either.
Even though I had fat free pretzels, fat free yogurt, apple slices and diet snapple, I couldn't wash the icky feeling out of my stomach.

As God as my witness, I will never do that again.
Never will I be fooled into believing that I can eat just-a-little and have it be ok with my insides.

Last night, when we were finally home I sat on my sofa surrounded by my furry beloveds and ate brown rice with tofu.
Ah, nice low fat, high fiber goodness.

That balanced me out.
It scraped all the fatty residue out of me and gave me relief.

So, here it is.

Two years after my gastric bypass and I can eat a normal amount of food,
BUT
and everyone loves a big BUT,
I cannot tolerate rich, fatty, or processed foods.

What a blessing.

My goals are reachable.

I know what I have to do.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
If you eat a low fat diet (like me)
be careful not to replace that fat with sugars and carbs.
All these experts who talk about how fats are not a problem end up explaining that
YOU STILL SHOULD NOT EAT TOO MUCH FAT!
Trust me on this.
There's a HUGE difference between bacon and salmon.
Both are high fat.
But doesn't what you already know about food tell you that salmon is better?
I hope so.
This expert agrees.
Some fats are good but never in excess.
click here or click below

break fast

I am hungry.
We're going downstairs to a fabulous, southern style breakfast buffet here at the 5 diamond Jefferson Hotel in Richmond, VA.

Am I nervous?
No.

I did a GREAT thing for myself by having this gastric bypass.
My surgeon did something magical to me so I can no longer tolerate fats, oils, or foods that are too rich.

"Bad" foods are no longer an option for me.

And no, I don't like labeling foods good or bad.
But as a woman who once weighed close to 400 pounds, I am aware that there are foods that advance me toward a healthier goal and foods that do not.

Sausage, bacon, egg yolks, butter, and pastries are on the menu but NOT on my breakfast plate.
Not today, not ever.

Some folks might misunderstand and call the weight loss surgery the easy way out.
Nah.

There was nothing easy about having this surgery.
There was nothing easy about recovering.

Recovering from a binge eating disorder is definitely better this way than without surgery,
but that doesn't mean it's been easy.

I had to fight hard for this surgery.
I had to fight hard to recover.

If you read back in this blog you'll see evidence of the daily struggle to be well, inside and out.

So, yeah, having a bypass at breakfast makes my choices more clear.
But I had to work for this.

I'm going down to breakfast now.
Me and my altered stomach are going to enjoy some lovely, low fat, high protein, delicious foods that advance my health.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
omg this rabbit is so frikken cute!!
and big!
His Momma shakes the oat groats container and he comes running.
That's me now.
Shake me up some oatmeal I is hungry!!!
Om nom nom nom nom.
click here or click below