Shaolin Motivation

"Everyone is handsome.
Everyone is beautiful.
Sadly, everyone is not aware of that.
This is one of the reasons we so often fail when we try to "improve" ourselves through a new exercise program or a new diet.
We begin, in effect,
by insulting ourselves:
'I'm fat, I'm out of shape.
I need to go on a diet.
I need to go to the gym more often.'
If you start out with such a negative opinion of yourself,
it's no wonder you ultimately fail.
What kind of motivation is that?...remember that you're not improving yourself.
You don't need to be improved,
God made you!
You're just polishing yourself,
to let your true beauty shine."
- 34th Generation Shaolin Monk Sifu Shi Yan Ming

"There is an interesting concept known as "away" and "towards" motivation.
Away motivation is where we move away from something because it causes pain or distress.
And as you can probably guess, towards motivation refers to the motion we make towards those things that will make us happier and healthier.

Although away motivation does have its value when it gets us to take initial action, it does a really poor job in keeping us motivated in the long run.
Why?

For starters, if you have been subject to significant verbal abuse by any of your significant others,
by making the change, you are in a sense validating their opinion.
And who wants to do that!

Second, once you have made the change (i.e. getting in better shape)
the initial motivation is removed and chances are you will slide back to the old patterns. So it is important to be clear in your own mind what the benefits will be once you get where you want to be.

Lastly, as any hypnotist can tell you, the subconscious mind cannot imagine a negative. "I will stop being such a loser" forces you to think about being a loser! Be positive in your self talk, refuse to entertain negative thoughts and keep on polishing that diamond in the rough!"

- from The Creative Calm Newsletter for May 2008

By making the change I'm validating the opinions of the abusers?
Wow.
That explains a lot.

You know the old cliche "you have to do it for you!"
Well, it's true.
That's how things become cliches.
They have some kind of abiding truth value.

I don't want to be told that I'm "not good enough"
or
"not doing enough"
or
"you should be..."

I want to be inspired from within.

Authenticity as one of the highest values means we match our actions to who we are inside, who we were designed to be: thriving, loving, expressive, alive.

Being healthy is our natural state.
Stuff blocks us from authentically expressing that natural health.

Stuff like abuse.
Stuff like internalized abuse.

So, we shouldn't run away from bad habits, flappy arms, matron's aprons, and other bad body thoughts. We should run toward thoughts of strength, self assurance, self acceptance and visions of accomplishment.

Running toward.
Hmmmm.
Something to get used to!

Gamer?
Check out Windy's Blog: "Level One - Start"

*Lisa's Video Pic of the Day*
Shi Yan Ming says his mission is to spread the message of Buddhism and
to contribute to world peace.
Martial arts works the body, the mind and the spirit.
It's about 1000 times more meaningful than the treadmill and a million times more nourishing than a stationary bike.
click here or click below

Shakti

Whew.
I needed that.

Two days of mostly sleep.
Rejuvenating!

Thank God I feel rejuvenated.
I was afraid that a body at rest would tend to stay at rest.
I was afraid I'd be in mope-mode all week.

But no.

Turns out, I really just needed to rest.

Now, I'm ready to get back to Energize Bunny mode,
which I enjoy.
I like being busy.
I like feeling productive.

It would be nice to be earning money commensurate with my efforts, but that will come.
I'm teaching two courses over the Summer.
In the Fall I'm teaching two, evening seminar courses, back to back on Wednesday nights.

That means my days are free.
Wide open.
Wide open for a nice full time job.

It would be GREAT to work full time at my beloved university.
But if I need to resort to Plan B - working somewhere else - I'm open and available for that option.

I'm less panicked about money.
I'm feeling more trusting that hard work will pay off.

Now for this body thing,
this weight loss journey,
this getting healthy project.

I'm coasting along on my good habits right now.
I'm not in FULL STEAM AHEAD mode.

Last year at this time, I was planning my yearly pilgrimage to the Holy City of Charleston, South Carolina. I was worried about keeping my daily exercise commitment.

I DID keep it. I walked or worked out every day of my mini-vacation.
I also got sick.
My trip was ruined by a severe bout with bronchitis.

Not that I think exercise is bad.
I think TOO MUCH exercise can deplete a person of energy.
I think exercise can be abused.
It can function as a punishment for being fat.

Exercise is about more than burning calories.
It's about building stamina, endurance, lean muscle mass and strength.

Last year, I was in LOSE WEIGHT
NOW
NOW
NOW
mode.
I wanted to punish the fat off my body.
I had something to prove.

Well, I proved it.
I know what I CAN do.

Now to figure out what I SHOULD do.

Movement should be nourishing.

That's right, you heard me
MOVEMENT SHOULD BE NOURISHING!

It's a way to get oxygen to all our hungry little cels.
It's a way to let spirit pump through our bodies.
It's a way to connect our minds with our bodies rather than make our bodies the enemy.

Call me crazy, but shouldn't movement FEEL good??

Shouldn't we LOOK FORWARD to exercise rather than have to force ourselves to do it?

Wouldn't it be nice to do exercises that actually trigger our pleasure receptors in our brains the way a nice massage would?

I'm combing through all my profiles (I sure do have a lot of profiles on the inter-web) and removing "motivation" and "success theory" from my interests. I have not experienced the level of authentic, holistic, nurturing, esteem-building, compassionate, humanistic, wellness-focused values that I was looking for in my experience with motivation and success theories.

It worked for a while. I needed that all or nothing, boot camp, push yourself harder, suffer for the greater goal mentality for my first year of recovery.
I sought it.
I got it.

It helped me get 140 pounds of extra fat off my body.
It helped me to know that I AM capable of playing with those kids on that section of the playground.
But now I'm feeling depleted, disappointed, disillusioned.

I'm depleted physically and spiritually.

I need something new.

Let's see what I find

or

create.

Nourishment.

*Lisa's Video of the Day*
Speaking of authenticity...I love this woman!!
I could listen to her all day.
Ok, you ready??
Her name is SHAKTI.
Oh, yeah.
Love love love love love it!!
She says, "Stop identify wit dis body as who you are."
click here or click below

having been crushed

nataliedee.com

Me and Mary, we're tight.

If you're unmotivated, ask yourself what you really want.
When you REALLY, REALLY, want something, motivation isn't a problem.

When you're telling yourself that you want something
BUT you don't really want that thing,
then everything is a chore.
We procrastinate, we're demotivated.

Sometimes we just have to be reminded of what we really, really want.

I keep forgetting what I want.
I know that vague goals lead to vague results.
I know I need to form some clearly focused goals.
But
everything is pretty vague right now.

The pain doesn't help.
I don't know if it's the change of weather or because I've been doing a lot of walking on campus (on sidewalks and pavement) or if my depression is acting up...or a combination of things...but I feel physically depleted and everything hurts.

I said to my mother on Saturday as we were garage saling,
"Being fat for so many years has crushed me - my bones, my muscles, my joints - everything hurts."
Then I took some ibuprofen and walked around at garage sales anyway because that's what I really, really wanted to do.

I did what I had to do so that I could enjoy what I really, really wanted to do.

But looking back, I find it interesting that I verbalized how crushed I feel.

Crushed.
Creaky.
Hurt.
Physically wounded.

The physical discomfort creates a foggy curtain that blocks goal setting and goal reaching and accomplishment.
It makes me not want to live much.

Right now all I really want to do is sleep.

So what will I do?

I'll do a combination of things.
I'll get some important work, planning, filing and paperworking done
AND
I'll sleep off the rest of this sore throat.

Trick is to not feel guilty about it.
Feeling bad makes it bad.

I don't always have to run around like the Energizer Bunny to "prove" myself.
Some days I need to rest.
Sometimes it's ok to be quiet.

I KNOW that I'll be able to overcome the feeling of being crushed.
I know what I CAN do.


*Lisa's Video of the Day*
Thanks to PLOY for sharing this with me.
It's so true!!
click here or click below

bettter, sick, then better

Me and Rachel weeping for her children
outside St. Matthew's in Edison.

Dino, Darren and Mother Ventre.

I don't feel well.
I need to get back in bed.
Sore throat.
Cusp of a fever.

At times like these, times of not-feeling-well, I do the bare minimum.
It's interesting to observe the bare minimum now as compared to two years ago.

The bare minimum now includes Blogging without fail, doing dishes, vacuuming, feeding and watering the cats, making a giant pitcher of Crystal Light, a bit of Facebooking, Tweeting on Twitter (see Twitter application half way down and on the right of this screen), eating something light and healthful, sleeping.

Two years ago I would not have blogged, forget about the vacuum, gone thirsty or settled for tap water, overeating, being too uncomfortable to sleep well.

I'd rather be sick now than sick then.

I'm glad I have more energy, stamina, and self-respect.

Even though I have a long way to go, I can still look back and say, "I've gotten better!"

Last night Marni and I went to St. Matthew's dinner and comedy night (325 people!)
where Darren was the MC.

It was fun.

The food was DELICIOUS!
Chicken Florentine, beef bourguignon, sausage and peppers, ziti in vodka sauce, broccoli with garlic, roasted potatoes, salad and dinner rolls.
Usually, or back in the day, I would stuff myself sick at a buffet like that.
I'd eat till I couldn't move.

Last night I ate like a normal eater.
Tried a little of everything, had salad with no dressing, didn't even eat a whole dinner roll, passed on dessert, (though later that evening I ate a bunch of caramel rice cakes, granola and stuff at Marni's as we watched Buffy) didn't even have the coffee, you know, the good coffee in the giant percolator that you get at church functions that tastes soooooo good.

It felt good to full but not stuffed.
It feels good to look back on what I ate and not feel suicidally guilty over binging.

It feels good to getting better.

Now to sleep off this sore throat.

*Movement for Motivation*
Unite body, mind and breath.
Power yoga!
Doing it outdoors must be nice.
I'll put it on my to-do list.
click here or click below

not a girl gone wild

There I am again, blurring out the parts I don't like.

There I am with a beautiful student
and all the parts of me that I don't like
not-blurred out.


Here's a gratuitous moment of Dave.

The Girls Gone Wild commercials are killing me.
By watching mainstream TV I've been conditioned to believe that there is one,
and only one,
high exalted body type.

By the by, Holly (above) would probably be considered "too old" for the Girls Gone Wild mess.
Their latest tag line is "finally 18".

There are many problems with the Girls Gone Wild videos.
Not least of which is the body image stigma it creates.
The worst of which is the idea that pretty, young, white (notice the lack of ethnic diversity in those videos) girls are a commodity to be bought and sold.

If patrons (I'm guessing, males who are looking to diversify their masturbation material portfolio) can buy the images on video,
how much more would they pay for actual sex with an actual girl-gone-wild?

Girls Gone Wild is 10 hairs short of being a commercial for human trafficking.

But this blog post is not a rant about that.

For those concerned with the human rights activism regarding human trafficking
Go to sites that tell you how to support an end to the buying and selling of girls:

"Trafficking in women for sexual exploitation is a multi-billion-dollar business which involves citizens of most countries and helps sustain organized crime. A violation of human rights, it destroys the lives of its victims.

Human trafficking is distinct from people smuggling in that it involves the exploitation of the migrant, often for purposes of forced labour and prostitution."

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to deal with my body image issues,
trivial though they seem.

They may seem insignificant compared to global issues of human rights violations...
... but they're connected.

The connection I wish to focus on for the next minute is the one between
FEELING LIKE CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF
which inhibits us from
DOING STUFF OUT IN THE WORLD.

What good am I as a
teacher,
speaker,
activist,
author,
counselor,
mentor,
performer,
artist,
blogger
if I'm paralyzed by low self esteem?

I can't work for social justice if I believe that I'm ineffectual.
I can't make a difference in the world if I'm hiding out because I feel bad about my flappy arms.

Oh, be sure to check out Rowena's response to me on yesterday's Blog.
Powerful stuff.

The shame I feel about my body is keeping me from doing stuff.
It may not be oppression in the same way that the 16 year old girl rescued from a Thai brothel (see pic above) is suffering from oppression,
but it's oppression none the less.

Geez, I can't even feel bad without feeling like my feeling-bad is somehow not good enough.
Like my suffering from low self-esteem and body image issues is somehow unworthy.
Like I have no right to complain or express myself as long as there are folks who are suffering in worse or different ways.

Like the time I read my "No Fat Chicks" poem as part of a Women's Center celebration.
A woman who spoke after I did told the story of how she rescued her daughter from being married off at the age of 9 years old as was the culturally sanctioned tradition of her African family.
Imagine a 9 year old girl!!
It was her husband, the girl's father, who was making the deal to give his daughter away against her wishes.

The woman cried as she told her story of desperation,
aving to navigate an immigration system and legal system where she had little power
in a society that doesn't take immigrant women of color seriously.

It was a moving story.

After the event a man came up to me and said that my "No Fat Chicks" poem was "good and all" and that hearing me read it was "interesting" but nothing compared to THAT woman's story.

I'm not sure why he felt it necessary to measure us up against one another.
I don't know why he couldn't just either pay me a compliment or express appreciation for her story.

And no, I didn't misread him.
He's a jerk in general and this was just one jerky comment among many he's made in his unfortunate interactions with me.

Jerk though he is, his backhanded compliment stuck with me.
It burrowed into my brain and found the part of me who thinks that
my expressing my feelings of unworthy-ness is not worthy,
that my blog is whiny and its content is not as important as those OTHER much BIGGER and MORE IMPORTANT women's issues in the world.

The thing is, mine and theirs, they're ALL symptoms.
Symptoms of an unjust world that keeps us from being free.

Symptoms of a world that needs more
compassion
and
caring.

If we're going to increase compassion and caring in the world it has to start with our selves.

Before we can tackle social oppression we need to subvert internalized oppression first so we can be effective at whatever we choose to do.

Therefore I blog.

*Movement for Motivation*
Here's a crazy idea, let's make girls
STRONG
and
SELF-SUFFICIENT
and
TOTALLY BADASS
so no one can f**k with them.
click here or click below

I'll just tell myself...

Dear God, what is that THING hanging off of me??
Is that supposed to be an upper arm???
It looks like a drapery made of flesh.
God help me.

I was walking on campus and a student who hadn't seen me in a while exclaimed,
"Oh Wow!! You look great! Did you lose a lot of weight or something?"

It was nice to be acknowledged.
Of course it feels good to be told that I look great.

Then I look at pictures of myself and wonder, "Why would people lie to me and tell me I look great when I'm a walking flesh curtain?"

I shouldn't be surprised by the flabby fleshy excess.
I knew Phase One: Deflate was going to look like this.

And yet...
It's so hard to walk around half deflated.

I'm feeling discouraged about working out.
Knowing that I'll need surgery to cut off the drapes on my gut, arms, sides, etc.
makes me feel like it's not-productive-enough to even bother with the gym.

What good is toning up if it's hidden under deflate-o-flesh?

My arms are strong (and when I say MY ARMS ARE STRONG I mean I moved a sofa and two arm chairs by myself yesterday).
Yet they won't LOOK strong till I've had surgery to cut off the excess flob.

With no full time job on the immediate horizon and no insurance I feel like I"m so far from being able to get my surgery.
My efforts don't seem to have an obvious pay off.

With all this hanging stuff on me, why bother toning up?

I know what well-meaning, kind people will say.
They'll tell me how far I've come.
They'll remind me how great I must feel to be able to walk, move and live without 140 pounds of extra fat dragging me down.
They'll remind me that my co-morbidities are less severe.
How great it is to be done with the diabetes.
How wonderful it is to be mobile.

And it is.
I AM grateful.
I DO feel better.

I'd rather be where I am now than where I was at 2 years ago (or even one year ago).

BUT...I have to live through a Spring and Summer with curtain-body.

Yesterday I left the house without looking in the full length mirror.
I knew I'd talk myself out of going sleeveless if I actually SAW my upper arms.
But it was a warm, sunny day.
I WANTED to go sleeveless.

I couldn't look in the mirror because I don't want to own my curtain arms.
I want to pretend they're not there.

So what am I going to tell myself?

I'm going to look at the people whom I love.
I'm specifically going to look at folks that I'm attracted to,
folks who hold my current romantic interest.

Ok, I'm looking.
By society's beauty standards, they're a mess.
Ages, bodies, shapes, grooming habits, sizes, skins, heights, all kinds of socially frowned-upon messes.
And I love them.
I don't love them despite the messes.
I don't overlook the messes.
I love them messes and all.

A person is a whole package.
Sure, appearance is a part of the package, but I don't find people's physical peculiarities to be unattractive.
Their messes are part of them.

Would I change the messy parts of them?
No.
I love them exactly as they are.
They can change if they want to, but it won't affect how much I love them.
Nor would it affect my desire to be affectionate with them.

So I say to myself, if I can love them for exactly who they are and what they look like, it MUST be possible for them to love me, messes and all.

Cuz that's really at the heart of my body image concerns: my love-ability.
My worry is that someone won't love me because of how I look (ooh, I must have hit on the truth, my eyes just started to sting a bit with tears).

It's not my arm flab itself that irks me.
It's the worry that someone will think that I'd be a great "girlfriend" (or whatever) if it weren't for those 'gross arms' or 'that mess of a body' or 'that unfortunate sagginess'.

If I could trust others to love me with the same total acceptance with which I love them, then I could bear this deflated phase so much easier.

Maybe if I could love myself first...

*Movement for Motivation*
Oh, wait.
You mean young, thin girls have arm flab too?
And they are self-conscious about it??
She's still going sleeveless AND she's laughing about it.
Hmmmmm.
Maybe I should take myself less seriously ;-)
Someone commented on her video asking if she's working out.
She answered:
"haha.. nahh.. not yet.
i have no time.. and i cnt be bothered.. haha!!!
xoxoxo
rowena"
Gotta love Rowena!
click here or click below

sunny sunshine gamer sorta

For someone who doesn't consider herself to be a "gamer" I sure do play a lot of games.

Did you know that I play a minimum of 10 games of Scrabble per day??
At LEAST 5 against the computer and 5 with folks using Scrabulous on Facebook.

I play Superheroes on Facebook at LEAST once a day.
I train on Superheroes at LEAST 6 times per day.

I used to be addicted to Bookworm.

And you know what??
I'm not going to apologize for it.

I'm kinda sick of the stigma associated with online life, that we're somehow lazy, or socially dysfunctional or.....ah, scratch that.

Maybe we are lazy and socially dysfunctional,
but I'M NOT SORRY!

I don't have too many regrets in my life right now.

I feel I'm making progress with my health, my creative endeavors, and though the progress may not be obvious to the untrained eye, my career.

So what if I spend time online playing games??

This all came to me today after Darren and I did Motivation Station outside in the glorious sunshine, sofas and all.
My favorite spring time event, World's Fair, happened on campus today.

After the festivities, I sat in the quad enjoying the sunshine, watching the students do their thing.

I had a pang of guilt.

Some unwelcome voice in my head started yammering at me about stuff I thought I should be doing.
The yammering voice told me I had no right to be enjoying the sunshine when I am behind on my bills, need to find a full time job, have no health insurance, blah blah blah.

True, I envied my friends who were going back inside to their offices and their paychecks and their benefits.
As much as I was enjoying the freedom to sit in the sun and breath in the spring energy, I also felt like I had no right to be enjoying anything with my career in limbo.

Then I told the voice to SHUT UP!

Do you know, that in all my grief yesterday, I still went to class and lectured.

Do you know that I lugged a living room's worth of furniture outside to the lawn by the Drop-In Center today all by my lonesome for a program that I do as a volunteer (by the by Darren and Geronimo carried the furniture back inside when it was over :-)

I blog every day like my life depends on it (it kinda does).

I work out at the gym 3 times per week.

I'm not even going to run down a litany of stuff that I do, but I DO PLENTY!

Karma pays off.

I believe that.

Karma pays off.

By September, I'll either be working full time at my beloved university or I'll be working full time somewhere else (and teaching at night).

In the meantime, if I am privileged enough to be able to sit outside in the sunshine, I'm going to enjoy doing it.

If I 'game' to unwind or to organize my thoughts, or just to have fun, I'm going to enjoy it.

Beating myself up takes too much energy.

It's a waste.

Besides, according to an article in Ode Magazine, "...games tap into our creativity and improve analytical thinking, problem-solving skills and the ability to manage risk."

So I'm developing myself.

Every day
in every way
I get better
and
better.

So there.

*Movement for Motivation*
I was into Homestarrunner years ago before it was cool.
Behold, the beefy armed Trogdor T-shirt adorning my best friend's torso!
Behold the wing-a-ling Trogdor bumper sticker on Marni's car!
Behold the Teen Girl Squad bumper sticker that Marni gave me on Facebook!
Behold the Anime parody that I think of every time I watch some anime crap on adultswim (except for Death Note, which is cool, very very cool).
Click here or click below

Blog is in the making. check back shortly.

http://www.odemagazine.com/doc/49/let-them-play-sims

My Beloved Jacob - Second Blog Post for Today

My beloved Jacob passed on at 8:58 am.
He was 21 years old.
I had him for half my life.

My boy.

Rest in Peace my fruit-pig-ula.

My Beloved Jacob.

the slayer

nataliedee.com

Maybe I am.

I had my check up from the neck up yesterday.
Going for my med management visit is one of the ways I can check my progress.

I can look back at times I've been to the office for my check up.
Times when I had to park illegally in front of the building because I couldn't walk from the parking garage (only half a block away).

There was a time when I couldn't walk up the stairs to the office for my appointment. They would have to hold my session in the break room on the first floor.

I remember, before my surgery, going to my appointment hungry, leaving, then going to the 7-11 around the corner, eating 2 sandwiches in the parking lot and feeling sick on the way home.

There was a time when I missed so many of my appointments (undiagnosed sleep apnea making me too tired to do anything) they almost closed my case.

I was super fat, really depressed and unhappy.
Yet...
I was earning degrees.
Participating and facilitating groups on campus (both at Drew and MSU).
Keeping up an apartment, an Ebay business and a social life.

HOW DID I DO THAT??

I need to give myself more credit.
My willpower is stunning.
I mean, I had so much working against me.
Bleh.

Anyway, that was then.
Today is today.

No day but today.

I'm on less meds than I have been over the years.
Less anti-depressants.
No medication for diabetes.
Less medication for pain.

I didn't really care where I parked because I am able to walk.

I was able to walk up the stairs.

I had to sign my yearly Treatment Plan.
The diagnosis on the top of the page said: Major Depression with ADHD.

Wow.

It's so strange to see that in writing.

I function pretty well for a major depressive.

Even during the years of blood sugars in the 600s, oxygen and sleep deprivation from undiagnosed sleep apnea, crippling obesity, I functioned surprisingly well.

So why am I so hard on myself?

Scratch that question.
I know why.

Knowing why isn't always helpful.

I just need to be NICER to myself, outwardly AND inwardly.

This automatic tape that runs in my head telling me I'm lazy, no good, undeserving has to be stopped.

It's one of my last few demons that has to be slain.

How do you slay a stubborn old demon?

I'll let you know when I've figured it out.

“A gun is a very restricted weapon.
All that fancy gun spinning is nothing more than style over substance.
A sword on the other hand is an extension of one’s being,
and therefore has no restrictions.”
- Abel in Dave Kreinberg's R.E. Vival

*Movement for Motivation*
Getting the facts doesn't make you change.
This guy is an expert on change.
He says, "Information doesn't change things!!!"
Guess what?
He says that FEAR doesn't change things either.
Whoa.
So what DOES help us to change?
Watch Alan Deutschmann's lecture on his book "Change or Die"
click here or click below

punch that bag

nataliedee.com

Speaking of electronically tracking people,
check the right hand side of this screen.

You'll see my Twitter feed.
It's like an Away message for the universe to see.
Twitter asks the question, "What are you doing right now?"
And Twittee's answer.

Call it stalking or call it surveillance.
Twitter calls it "following".

I've just installed it.
Let's see if I keep up with it.

You'll see that I went to Kickboxing yesterday.
For the first time, we used boxing gloves and the giant boxing bags.
Wow.
What a difference.

So far this semester we've been 'imagining' that there is a board or a bag in front of us as we punch, kick, hook, uppercut and jab. Putting on gloves and hitting a giant 100 pound bag changes everything.

It's like being punched back.
The bag pushes you.
My first swing at the bag almost knocked me backward on my ass.
I have a new respect for anyone who trains as a boxer.
The strength and stamina it takes to punch a bag is incredible.
It's SO much harder than it looks.

I tired out quickly.
My arms felt like lead.
My whole upper body felt like a wet noodle.
For the first time ever I considered leaving the workout class at the halfway point.
It was just too much.

But, you know me.
I didn't want to quit.
Instead I just punched the bag with less force to preserve my strength.
It was tough.
I couldn't wait for class to be over.

I felt weak.

I felt weak but punched and kicked anyway.

You can't get stronger by quitting.

*Movement for Motivation*
This ain't no joke.
This woman has incredible strength to keep her arms up and punching like this.
click here or click below


Yesterday's Activity: one hour of kickboxing!

Dredging of the Icky

Did I use these pictures on my blog already?
Meh, I'll use 'em again.
I may not look like this for too much longer,
what with all the changing ;-)

It's good to have a plan.
There are times when I'm clear headed and determined.
That's when I need to sit with my little calendar/planner and write stuff down,
stuff I need to do.

There are times when I don't feel like planning.
I don't know why I resist writing my plan.
Probably because I know that WRITING it down makes it concrete.
When stuff is concrete it gets done.

There may be something I'm avoiding about getting stuff done.
Is it the doing of the stuff that I'm avoiding?
Or are there feelings that come up about doing the stuff and the feelings are what I'm avoiding?

I'm guessing it's the feelings.
I guess it's time to dredge them up and feel them, huh.

I guess the best way to dredge up feelings is to do the stuff that dredges them up.

This morning, I wrote stuff down, stuff I need to do this week.
Stuff I will be doing.

What feelings came up?

I felt anxious.
Anxious about having enough energy to get everything done. Anxious about how much of what I do is not directly contributing to getting my bills paid.

I felt sad and angry.
Angry at myself for not taking better care of my health for all these years and sad that I have less vim and vigor than I'd like because of my lack of self-care.

I felt ashamed.
Ashamed of how I look doing all the stuff that I do because of how badly I treated myself for all these years.

So, really, doing anything, ANYTHING, dredges up feelings of anxiety, shame, anger and sadness.
Hmph.
No wonder folks get depressed.
No wonder folks hide out in there homes, or behind their computer screens or in front of the TV or inside addictions.

Doing stuff dredges up uncomfortable feelings!
How much easier it is to be distracted and avoid feeling anything!!

But there's hope.

I remember avoiding writing.
Yep, I avoided Blogging in the beginning.
Who can blame me?
Writing dredges up all kinds of icky feelings.

But I got used to it.
I got used to the icky feelings and the writing.
I got SO used to it, I can't imagine going a day without Blogging.

That means there's hope for my energy and activity level.
Having energy and being active is risky, right?
It's OUT THERE in the world.
All kinds of feelings happen when we interact with others.
All kinds of consequences happen when we put our thoughts, efforts, projects and ideas out into the world for others to see.

Icky.
And still, so many more icky feelings to dredge and deal with.

But if I can get used to the dredging of the icky by Blogging,
I can get used to the dredging of the icky by being active, involved and productive, right?

Today I had tea instead of coffee.

*Movement for Motivation*
This is a PERFECT video for creating goals.
Ask yourself these questions.
Be specific.
Love it!!!
The video is called "Change in a Day"
Click here or click below

The runner-up video for today is called "Be Brave: Life gets better when you become courageous."

notice and change

It's time to cut down on my coffee intake.
Problem is I LOVE coffee.

I love the smell of it.
I love the taste of it.
I love the caffeine buzz of it.

Coffee Coffee rah rah rah!!

BUT it's destroying my insides.
No, not heartburn or anything like that.
I can drink a pot of coffee a day and have no stomach distress whatsoever.

Coffee is destroying my inner flora.
Or is it fauna.
I was right the first time. It is flora, you know, all those healthy bacteria that live in our guts that keep us balanced, healthy, regular and keep us from having all kinds of ailments.

You DO know about that, right?

You know that all ailments being in the gut, right?
Allergies, big round fat hard beer guts, skin rashes, irritable bowel syndrome, parasites, constipation, and all kinds of digestive problems occur when our intestinal flora is out of whack.

Coffee is a major culprit in killing off the GOOD bacteria that helps our guts stay balanced.

Lately, my psoriasis (that stubborn patch of it on my hand that just won't seem to disappear) is itchy and bitchy.
It has gotten better. The psoriasis used to be worse.
When my diabetes was in full swing (sugar readings in the 600s) the psoriasis was all over my left forearm, on the elbow and on my hand.
It was gross.

It has subsided significantly.
But this one stubborn patch of it won't go away.

Every time I look at it I think to myself,
"I have to clean out my gut if I want this rash to go away.
I really need to cut down on the coffee."

I think it, but I haven't done it.

Today, it feels like it's time. I can no longer allow my health to deteriorate.

I've been sluggish lately.
Well, I've been sluggish for years, but the sluggishness is really working my nerves because I want to enjoy the nice weather,
but I'm tired all the time.

In my blog the other day I talked about needing to detox.

Part of that detox involves getting my gut flora right.

Part of getting my gut flora right means cutting way way back on the coffee.

I take the best probiotics on the market: Primal Defense.
It's a dense, green, soil based probiotic.
Heat won't kill it.
It needs no refrigeration.
That's how you know it will work in the gut.

BUT I may as well be tossing the Primal Defense out the window if I'm going to drink so much coffee on top of it.

So, today I begin my coffee withdrawal.

So far, so good.

I'll let you know when things get hard.

*Movement for Motivation*
Habits can be changed.
Bad habits can be replaced by healthy habits.
Guess who?
The brilliant, the magical, the great Susan Powter...
click here or click below

N r G

Red Hawk Night - April 18, 2008

Hey!
Don't leave Motivation Monkey hangin'!
Give him a high five!

" Suck the coffin mushroom now. "

" I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair! "

Sleepy now.

This draggy, lethargic, tired all the time crap has got to stop.
I'll have to work to get some serious energy going.

It's 76 degrees and sunny right now and all I want to do is sleep.
Dammit.
I WANT energy!
I WANT stamina!

This will take a portion of my cunning...no, ALL of my cunning...
to rehabilitate this body.
Get in shape.
Get into a shape.
Detox
and
nourish.

These are not small tasks.

I'm getting there.
Patience and persistence will pay off.

But I'm impatient.
I just wish I had the energy and vibrant health NOW so I could enjoy the spring and summer.
Well, I will still enjoy them, just not as much or for as long as I'd like to.

I get plum tuckered too quickly.

I spent the morning lunching and shopping with my mother.
We had a great time.
We were silly. We laughed. We shopped.
Now I'm exhausted.

Even with the perfect sunshine and a sweet, warm breeze fluttering in through the window begging me to go outside, I need to nap.

Scrabble tourney tonight.

I'll need my strength!

*Movement for Motivation*
It looks like doing yoga faster is more difficult than doing it slowly.
Not so.
It takes incredible strength and stamina to hold those postures.
I rather do them more quickly...for now.
I will further my practice, step by step.
Ploy has me doing yoga at the rec center once a week. That's a start!!
Check out yoga for detox.
Click here or click below

fat clothes

It WAS a perfectly gorgeous,
fabulous,
beautiful
day.

We moved our Motivation Station group outside, sofa and all!

Darren, bless his heart, was doing his usual, "Why do we always...."
thing. This time he was complaining about how we do FOR our children in a way that makes them unable to do for themselves.

He coaches girls' basketball so he has experience with kids and how their parents interact with them. For instance, after a meal, the kids leave the table without cleaning up after themselves. The parents automatically do it for them and roll their eyes at how their own children leave a mess behind. But the parents are the ones in control, aren't they?

I am also stunned by certain behaviors between parents and children.
I heard a mother of two say, "I TRY to get them to eat fruit, but they want cookies, so what am I supposed to do? They just like Oreos better!"

Well, I haven't seen any 4 year olds shopping for themselves in the grocery store lately. If the kid wants Oreos it's because an adult GAVE them Oreos in the first place. If your house is full of fruit, kids get used to eating fruit. If your house is full of cookies and sugary soda, then, surprise surprise!

So, I agreed with the observations,
but I was uncomfortable with the complaining.
The people who were in attendance were jumping on the "Can you believe they did ___?" bandwagon of finger pointing at the wrong doing of others.

Which is ok, as long as we're willing to point the finger back at ourselves.
So I did.

I admitted that parents DO enable their kids. They express love by doing things for us that make us unable to do for ourselves. We don't get to build confidence in our ability. We don't get to learn. We don't get to build trust in ourselves as capable people.

It's a trade off.
We get stuff done for us.
Parents get to feel like they've concretely loved us.
We get entangled in a co-dependent relationship where parents over function and we underfunction.

But we have a CHOICE.
As adults, we can acknowledge our own participation in these co-dependent relationships and choose to participate or not.

I gave myself as an example.
I said I had about $1000 worth of beautiful clothes in sizes 32 - 36 waiting to be sold on eBay.
Yet, I slack because I know I can "borrow" money from my parents if I can't make the bills on my part-time income.
So, month after month, the clothes hang there waiting to be sold.

It's like the clothes are there waiting for me to get motivated.
I blame myself for being lazy.

Then Dave said, "Maybe you're emotionally attached to them."

blink

blink

Wow.

That deserves some thought.
Maybe I AM emotionally attached to them!

Why?
Why would I have a hard time giving up my fat clothes?

There I am at my undergrad graduation ceremony.
Gee, think I'm attached to that outfit much?

That blue dress was my go-to outfit for so many special occasions.

How about favorite-blue-top?
That was my go-to blouse for all kinds of occasions.
There I am at the Peace Conference with Darren and on New Year's Eve with Matt.

I haven't even moved that blouse out of the closet to the to-be-sold hook!


That blue blouse is HUGE on me!
It's not even wearable any longer because it falls off my shoulders showing my bra straps Flashdance-style.

So, why am I keeping these things?

Looks like I have some good-bye issues to work on.

There are plenty of reasons to fear moving on.
There are plenty of reasons to hang on to old images of myself.

and

There are plenty of reasons to let go.

This is going to take some work.

Good thing I can blog about it.

*Movement for Motivation*
Wow.
I wanted to find an exercise clip but this one is just perfect for today.
Size acceptance.
What a concept!
click here or click below

Yesterday's Activity: one hour of yoga at the rec center!

GO OUTSIDE GO OUTSIDE GO OUTSIDE GO OUTSIDE GO OUTSIDE

Perfect day.
It's 60 now and going up to 73 degrees.
It's GLORIOUSLY sunny.
The air smells like blossoms.

Perfect day.

It's easy to be motivated on a day like today.
It's easy to walk outside into the sunshine, to look up at the expansive blue and say,
"Thank you, Lord for this beautiful day!"

I was about to go on a rant about how we need to be as enthusiastic, grateful and motivated on those OTHER days; the cloudy, dreary, cold, miserable days that make us want to bundle up and stay inside.

But I'm not going to.

It's ok to have an easy day once in a while.

Things don't always have to be difficult.

They don't always have to be a challenge.

Things don't always have to be over-thought.

Sometimes we can just enjoy the day.

Hear that, self?

Enjoy the day!

*Movement for Motivation*
It's true.
A rolled up newspaper can really HURT!
click here or click below

Wash don't Fall

I can't imagine coming home to someone.
I don't think I'd like that very much,
at least not every day.

Tonight will be nice.
Marni will be here. We'll do dinner and watch our shows (America's Next Top Model and more Buffy!)
then I'll be sad when she leaves.

It's nice to have company.

But to actually LIVE with someone?
Oof.
I dunno if I'm really cut out for that.

I'm happy to come home to my cats,
and my mess (or un-mess if I've kept up on cleaning),
my favorite shows,
my beloved internet,
the choice to have quiet
or noise
and the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want without
compromise or negotiation.

But don't you want someone to share your life with?

I don't know what that means: share my life.

Don't I share myself enough all day?
What does sharing my life mean exactly?

I was raised as an only child.
I didn't get to play much with other kids, except at school.

Hmmmm.
Kinda like now.
I play with people all day at school
then come home to be alone.

It's an old habit.

It doesn't bother me.
I kinda prefer it.

Funny how habits learned early in life are so deeply ingrained.
Scary, too.

I understand addiction.
The foundation for addictions are laid so early in life,
it can take a lifetime to undo the damage.

It takes such effort and focus of will to make significant changes in our habits.
But it can be done.

I can't imagine NOT blogging every day.
How long did it take to create that habit?
The blog will be two years old in Summer 2008.
I would feel incomplete without doing this every day.

The overeating habit is less intense than it was 2 years ago but it's putting up a fight.
It's so old.
It's such an indent in my psyche.
But it can be changed.
Time helps to wash away everything, eventually, even the indents formed in childhood.

The trick is to keep washing rather than falling into the indent of old behaviors.

*Movement for Motivation*
This clip is called "Shake Your Soul"!
It's like shaking out a dusty rug in the sunny, Spring air!
click here or click below


Monday's Activity: 20 minutes of stretching and yoga; one hour of KICKBOXING!

320 pound woman

Left: 320 pound, 7 foot tall woman?
No, but she's big!
check out http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/tallwoman.asp

Above: 239 pound, 5'2" woman.

Femputer (voice by Bea Arthur): The Amazonians will be divided into three groups. The one called Zapp will be snu-snued by the large women. He who is designated Fry will be snu-snued by the petite women. And Kif, being the most attractive male, will be snu-snued by the most attractive women of Amazonia. Then the large women! Then the petite women! Then the large women again!

I never wanted to be a fetish.
I tried those BBW dating sites but I didn't like the idea that someone would want to get to know me based on my appearance
and their strange preference for a certain body type.

I have a difficult time empathizing with folks who prefer a certain look.

I don't have a "look" that I go for.
Well, maybe I do, but even if you have long hair and you turn my head that doesn't mean I'm going to like the rest of you.

Ya gotz ta have a personality.
And a soul.
And a sense of humor.
And a big heart.
And a social conscience.

And glasses (hahahhaha.... but seriously...).

This morning when I saw the email from a dear friend of mine asking me to imagine what a 320 pound woman looks like, I never expected to scroll down and see pics of 6'5" Heather Greene from Las Vegas
who's being touted (inaccurately) as a 320 pound 7'4" woman from Holland.

I'm not sure she weighs 320 pounds but at 6'5" I'm sure she's bigger than 115.
And she's a bombshell, no doubt.
And she has a website, hoorah.
And folks with an Amazon fetish will delight in imagining being wrestled and smothered and god knows what by her.

But she's a woman, a person, a human being who needs love just like the rest of us.

I imagine she has similar issues with wondering if a lover wants her for HER or because she's a woman of unusual size.

So, I was just about to go on a rant about not wanting to be the object of someone's fetish, but I found myself caught in a hypocrisy.

Although I don't want to be someone's BBW fantasy chick, I wouldn't have any objections to being liked for my age.
(I'm now thinking of Short Round in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" saying to Willie Scott after she's disappointed to discover that the prince they're dining with is a kid,

"Maybe he like older women."

I have to go take a shower and get ready for a busy day, so let me sum up this blog for today:
The 320 pound 7'4" woman from Holland is really a 6'5" woman from Las Vegas named Heather.
Amazon Women in the Mood is the 'Death by Snu-Snu' episode of Futurama.
Like me for who I am not what I look like unless you like me for my age cuz I'm conflicted about my like-ability.

Go outside now.
Enjoy Spring air.

*Movement for Motivation*
I wish the quality of this vid was a bit better, but I loved their movements so much I had to use it today.
Beautiful, fluid, soothing and do-able!
Check out the Misa Dance Maniacs!
click here or click below

little things like WATER

Oh look, it's the "good" part of my face.

On the left: a brand new water filter.
On the right: same water filter after one year of filtering my tap water.

Ewww! Gross!!!

Little things.
It's the little things that add up to energy and health.
Little things like CLEAN WATER for my coffee, my drinks, my cooking and my cats' water dish.

Marni had to talk me into replacing that slimy brown water filter.
I wasn't even using it anymore. I knew it had to be replaced so I was using regular old city water.
She said she could SMELL the chlorine coming out of the tap and she was concerned for me.

What with the moratorium on spending, I have only been purchasing absolute necessities:
food, gasoline, utilities, the rare bit of recreation.

It's sad that my friend had to TELL me to make replacing the water filter a necessity.
Glad she did.

My water is clean and sweet now.
Less toxic torture on my poor body.

It makes me wonder what other seemingly little things I've been neglecting.

Consistent exercise?
Fresh foods?
Probiotics?
Fresh air?
Cultural enrichment?
Household organization and aesthetics?
Chiropractic care?
Physical contact with others?
Ebaying to earn spending cash?
Well-fitting clothes?

Well, I no longer have to wonder.
There it is.
A list of the little things I've been neglecting, and that's just in the area of self-care!
Sheesh!
Still, self-care is important.

And, you know what I always say:


I'm no damn good to anyone else if I'm half dead,
or mostly dead.
So, hooray for self-care!

Ok.
I've cheered for self-care.
Now what?

My neck hurts.
I slept wrong.
I need to see my chiropractor.

I think that and the excuses pop into my head.
The I-don't-want-to-ask-my-father-for-the-money excuse.
Same as the excuse not to get the water filter.
Money, money, money.

I'm worrying about money as I'm drinking filthy, chlorinated pool water from my tap?
As if replacing that water filter were a luxury.

Reckless spending is one thing.
Taking care of my health is another.
It was the right thing to do to replace that water filter.
The right thing to do is to go get my spine checked.

I know that.
Seeing it in writing helps me to DO that.

My father was very encouraging yesterday.
I told him how unhappy I was over my money situation.
I told him that I really am working hard to find the right place for my "unique talents" so I can be fairly compensated for my work in a job that I find rewarding.

In other words, I hate having to keep asking for my parents' help, but I would also hate working at a job where I'd be stifled, depressed and miserable.

Working only part time is hard on me financially and emotionally.
I wanted him to KNOW that I'm aware of my circumstances.

My father gave me his blessing.
He said I should not think of myself as starving and desperate.
That it's ok to tough it out while the right position opens up for me and that he'll help me.
That he wants to see me happy.

So, what's my problem?
Why am I all tangled up in knots inside over what I'm doing or not doing or should be doing when I have loving supportive parents who want me to succeed and are willing to help me in the meantime?

I gotz ta untangle my inner knots.
Tangled knots are untangled one little twist at a time.

Little knots.
Little things.
Little things like water.

*Movement for Motivation*
I never want to take my body for granted ever again.
There was a time when I didn't have all this excess meat swinging around on my body.
There was a time when I could have moved like the gals in this video.
Instead I was all twisted up in knots, self-conscious, self-hating, sedentary, bottled up and miserable. Now I have the swinging meat to go with those feelings.
Ugh.
I wonder if Carmen Electra and her gals know how FREE they are to move their bodies in this way, to be so limber, fit and ABLE!
No swinging meat!
I'll get there, a little at a time.
click here or click below

safe as self-reliant

I was trying to look sexy but I think
I just look sleepy.

See Naomi Campbell dancing to Thriller on the tv?
Mark my words: Michael Jackson is making a comeback.
It's time.

Hey, check out all the crap on my coffee table.
You can see a snapshot of my living-room life.
Funky box of Kleenex,
ice for diet soda,
various body sprays to mask unpleasant odors/smoke/intestinal smoke,
giant pitcher of Crystal Light,
whole grain cereal with no corn syrup,
sea salt,
Lodine,
an assortment of moisturizers,
vitamins,
a long neglected blood sugar testing kit,
remote controls
and the ever present soy sauce.

All will be swept away and cleaned up for my company tonight.
Company is motivating.
I may not be inspired to clean-up for my own comfort but for company, I will.
Then I get the benefit of a nice, comfy, tidied up apartment.

Sometimes I forget my life lessons.
A big life lesson is to allow other people to contribute to my life.
I resist that.

Maybe keeping other people out is a way to avoid getting hurt.
It's easier to just be alone.
Safer to be self-reliant.

I send out the go-away vibe and wonder why I'm single.

Meh, it's ok that I'm single.
But noticing my single-ness makes me think I may have some unresolved karmic issues to deal with.
Is single-hood a true choice or do I have some inner hurt that needs to be dredged up, aired out and dealt with?

I cried a bit this morning about the job thing.
I'm reminding myself that one rejection letter from one job in one department doesn't mean I'm defeated forever.

I'm a hard worker.
Hard work pays off.
I believe that.
I believe my love for my beloved university will not go unrequited.
I'll be working there full time soon enough.

I believe.
Help my unbelief.

*Movement for Motivation*
You can say what you want to about Michael but you can't take away his talent.
That man can dance!!
Ain't nobody move like Michael Jackson!
click here or click below

tone up the grown up

marriedtothesea

I'm sad.
But my mother says it could be worse.
She said I could be dying of cancer or walking around in terrible pain with an incurable disease.

Having lived with terrible pain for years, I can take her advice to heart.

She's right.
Things could be worse.

Sure I got a rejection letter,
but I'm walking around
with my toes still tapping
in a body that works.

I can stand and hold a conversation without breaking into a sweat from the exertion of standing.

I can walk from building to building on my beloved campus without having to sit and rest every few yards.

I can go to a lovely, grown-up party and enjoy meeting new people AND eating elegant foods without the worry that I'll stuff myself sick or be distracted and anxious about food.

Speaking of the grown-up party, I was feeling kinda single tonight.
Seems everyone there was paired up, even if their partner was not with them.
They had someone to go home to.

Why am I single?
Not widowed,
not divorced,
not married,
not in a committed relationship,
just
plain
single.

Is that weird?
I feel like it's weird.
I don't know what my problem is.
Why do other people find it so easy to pair up?

I can't blame the fat any more....well, I could, but I'm not even buying that excuse at this point.

There are PLENTY of blobby, misshapen people who have partners, lovers or spouses.
Maybe it's the way I think of myself as blobby and misshapen that projects a don't-come-near-me vibe or something.

Maybe I just have to change my thinking.

Could my self-esteem issues really be preventing me from
a love-life
and
a
career?

I dunno.

I wish it were easy.
All this striving, all this pursuing, all this wanting, and working and waiting is friggin' exhausting.

It would be great to be "discovered"
and while we're at it,
to have someone fall in love with ME for a change.

Karmically I've earned it, right?

I guess I shouldn't complain.
At least I'm walking around.

*Movement for Motivation*
I don't want to be stiff, sad and creaky.
I want to be supple and high energy like these students!
click here or click below

Pity Party with Open Bar

marriedtothesea.com
I received my rejection letter today.

Of course I'm running down the list of every possible reason why someone would not want to hire me.

It crossed my mind
about the blog.

It is quite the significant internet presence.
So, I wonder.
How WOULD a prospective employer feel if they Googled me?

Let's put it this way, if I had to take this Blog down, would I?

No.
I would not.

That's not a decision I take lightly.
I gave it plenty of thought.

This blog will be two years old in August 2008.
It's a map of my struggle with an eating disorder, morbid obesity, gastric bypass surgery, depression, relationship woes, body image issues....more than I could really name in one sentence.

Of course, I COULD journal and keep it to myself.
I could make the Blog private.
No one is twisting my arm to make this a public access diary.

But I won't take it down.
I don't see a good enough reason to.
Deep down, I don't believe it has anything to do with my not getting this particular position.

When I write about my professional life, I try to keep it generic, not naming names, not being terribly controversial.
Even when I write about my personal life, I keep in mind that I'm a representative of my university and my department.
I'm mindful of my students and how reading this might affect them.

I do self-censor.

I'll check myself but I won't silence myself.

Do I REALLY believe my not being offered a position has anything to do with my blog?
Nah.

There are plenty of other reasons, not bad ones, just reasons, that this position wasn't meant for me.
Just cuz this position didn't work out for me doesn't mean that I should be discouraged.

I'm not giving up.



I'm not giving up on my blog.

I'm not giving up on a wonderful career.

I'm not giving up on myself.

I will persist.
And I'll be blogging about it publicly.

For now, a mini-pity party.
No jacket required.

*Movement for Motivation*
They might be high school students,
or college students.
Either way, THEY'VE GOT ENERGY!
I'm not stopping till I can dance like this...
click here or click below

Eat Wasa. Rinse. Repeat.

marriedtothesea.com

I take it back.
The other day I wrote that I could eat a whole package of Wasa at one sitting.
Not true.
Half a package, tops.

Truth is, I don't eat too much.
I may overeat by certain standards, but according to MY OWN standards, I'm doing great.
My standards.
Cuz I am the boss of me.

So what if I eat a bunch of rice cakes or Wasa?
That's so healthy and smart!

MY EATING IS HEALTHY and SMART!

I don't eat cheap dollar store junk food.
That means something.

There IS a difference between eating crap and eating real food.

Cheap dollar store junk food is full of sugar, corn syrup, fat, and super refined carbs.
It's basically calories with a mildly palatable flavor.

Sure I can buy lots and lots of it.
Sure it fills my cupboards and my stomach,
but it's
low
quality
food.

Eating rice cakes and Wasa as a snack?
Good quality food.

Even if I eat more than "one serving" it's still a whooooooooooooole lot better than eating
Cheetos, or Doritos, or Potato Chips, or cheddar popcorn, or Lil Debbies.

I like to eat.
I'm not going to feel bad about it.

I gave a talk last night in a graduate nutrition class.
I told my story, the hour-long version.

Reliving my struggles reminded me of how far I've come.
Telling my story reminded me how different....no, how my eating habits have RADICALLY CHANGED.

Do you know how long it's been since I ate pizza?
I may never eat pizza again.
Hot dogs?
A thing of the past.
Cheeseburgers?
Forget 'em.
Cake??
Not in this life.

Yesterday was a jam packed, busy day.
I was on my feet for hours.
I walked my butt off all over campus.
My work day ended with my talk in the graduate class, also, on my feet.

Another RADICAL CHANGE in my life.
Moving.
Walking.
Getting from place to place on my own two feet.

Today, I feel like doing battle with the not-good-enough feelings.
I feel like winning.

P.S. Marni cooked some Moroccan style lemon chicken with brown rice for dinner!
It was nice, no, it was RADICALLY AWESOME to come home to cooking smells and a hot, homemade dinner :-)

*Movement for Motivation*
Ok, don't even tell me that Jabbawockeez are unmotivated!
Look at that energy!!
Be inspired.
click here or click below

pretty darned motivated

toothpastefordinner.com

I want to enjoy life more.
I think it's sad that the part of the day I'm looking forward to the most is coming home to hang out with my friend, Marni, and watching America's Next Top Model, more Buffy, and eating good food.

It's ok to enjoy chill time at the end of a long day.
But,
I want to enjoy the daytime part of my life more.

I'm not entirely sure how to do that.

The obvious choices are to:
1) change what I do during the day
2) change my attitude about what I do during the day

(gets up from computer, pours giant mug of coffee with soy milk)

Yesterday was disappointing.
I did something out of my comfort zone expecting it to make me feel GREAT!

I met Darren at the new rec center at 7:30am.
We did our cardio separately.
He did the escalator stair climber thingy.
I walked twice around the indoor track, did 15 minutes on the stationary bike and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
We hit the mats, stretched and did some crunches.
Then Darren helped me do weight training, which was fun.
Hey, it's good to feel strong.

We did a total of an hour and 20 minutes of moving.

Great accomplishment at 7:30 in the morning, right?

I expected to feel great.
I wanted to feel energized.
I thought I'd be motivated to tackle my day.

But, no.

Instead, I came home, blogged and then slept for a few hours.
I was sooo tired.

What
the
hell?

I'm sure there are sound, physiological reasons why I felt fatigued.
Knowing that there must be a physiological explanation doesn't make it much less discouraging.
I thought exercise was supposed to GIVE you energy, not take it!

I was so discouraged I almost missed my favorite motivational speaker, Coach Ed Agresta, who spoke at school last night.

Even after my nap, I was tired.
I didn't feel like putting on makeup, getting dressed and dragging my fatigued ass back to campus.

Good thing I checked my cel phone.
Darren texted me asking if I wanted to grab dinner before Agresta's talk.
I didn't want to say no.

I felt like staying home.
I felt like making an excuse.
But I wouldn't.
It was "easier" to put on make-up, drag myself to school and force myself to keep my commitment than to make an excuse and stay home.

Coach Agresta never disappoints.
Although I've heard him say it a thousand times, I heard this part of his talk with new ears.

In order to be happy you must eliminate the following 10 words from your thinking:
What Will Other People Say
and
What Will Other People Think.

Is that what I'm doing that's preventing me from enjoying my day?
Do I spend too much time worrying about what people think of me?

Could be.

I have a long day ahead of me.

I wish I were more motivated.
Well, maybe motivation is not what I lack.
Considering what I accomplish in a day, only a fraction of which is actually reflected in my pay check, I think I'm pretty darned motivated.

I just wish I were looking forward to my day more.
I wish I could experience more joy in the moment.

Maybe that's a talent I'll need to develop,
the talent for joy.

*Movement for Motivation*
Do Kaba Modern ever feel unmotivated?
I bet no matter how they feel, they still dance.
I love what they do with their hands at the end for the laughing part.
click here or click below

authentic kinda life

toothpastefordinner.com

Hey, thanks for your concern.
I've been getting some thoughtful suggestions from readers and loved ones on how to "remind" certain folks that I'm very interested in a certain position.

Please understand, this is not the corporate world.

There are rules in place for how all concerned are expected to act (or un-act) or not act during the search process. Behaviors that are laudable in the private sector would be considered inappropriate and inconsiderate at the institution I'm talking about.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't go that extra mile or extra few steps to show you care!

I wouldn't even bother blogging about this, but I feel it is necessary to tell my readers that in many cases, it would definitely be appropriate to show determined interest with phone calls, visits, flowers, donuts, hand written notes, etc.

I say this for the record: when you want something, be willing to do whatever it takes to distinguish yourself from your competition (if it's a competitive situation), to show great enthusiasm and demonstrate your genuine interest.

So don't do what I do...or what I say...use your brain, your gut, your intuition and your heart to figure out what to do.
Be willing to show genuine interest.

And when I say genuine, I mean it.

Remember,
Sincerity and Talent will always win.

Darren disagrees with me.
He thinks that persistence always wins.

I'm voting for sincerity and talent, two characteristics that CAN be developed in people.

You can be as persistent as you want,
but if you lack integrity and are socially grace-less (social grace is a talent and it CAN be developed whether you're born with it or not)
your persistence will lead you no where,
like all the energy that's wasted when a hamster runs on a wheel.
The hamster can persist all it wants but without that effort being attached to something, it's kinda pointless.

You're persistent when you hammer away at something consistently.
Fine.
Sometimes, that's all you need to do.

I'm more developmentally inclined.
I want to develop.
I want to see others develop.
The sticky, icky process of learning and wrestling with one's intentions, emotions, behaviors and inner dialog requires deep self-reflection and great discomfort.
It's risky.
It involves being wrong a lot.
It means stepping into the mouth of the dragon and probably getting burnt.

Persistence?
Any dunder-head can be persistent.
I'm less interested in that.
I'm more interested in the bravery it takes to be in process, to grow, to seek truth, to discover and to develop one's talent(s).

Folks who are afraid of doing all that?
They're probably afraid that when they look deep within themselves, they won't like what they see, they'll have to deal with long-buried emotions that HURT, and worse yet, they might discover that they're not so special.
They are not a unique snowflake.
They don't have the kind of talent they wish they had.

I know.
I was like that.
I was so afraid to discover that I wasn't so great.
I was afraid that I'd have to get out of my comfort zone and work on myself.
Now, I understand that I don't have to be the best speaker, teacher, writer, blogger, student, exerciser, etc.
All I have to be is authentic and loving.

All YOU have to be is authentic and loving.

Not like those things are easy.
They're not.

Being authentic requires the courage to look within honestly, to look at one's actions with honesty and to have the determination to become better, to grow and to develop.

Loving means you have to have compassion for self and others.
Again, not easy.
Love of self is difficult, as you can see as I struggle with this every day here in my blog.
Love of others is difficult because other people can be annoying, disappointing, cruel, etc.

Cultivating authenticity and love is a constant struggle.
It's never done.
It's always a process.

I guess that's where persistence comes in.
To never give up on becoming a better person requires persistence.

But I don't believe persistence alone is enough.

Meh, what do I know.

My way of doing things is just one among many.

There's room for more than one of us to be right.

*Movement for Motivation*
Watch Jennifer Garner motivate a whole room full of people with the magic of THRILLER (and her sincere enthusiasm)!!
click here or click below

pro act

MarriedToTheSea



If I hit the Power Ball Lotttery tomorrow, I'd be a professional blogger.
Or...er....an un-professional blogger cuz I'd be rich and I wouldn't have to be a professional anything.

If I were filthy, stinkin' rich
I wouldn't want to sit around and do nothing all day.
I'd be bored doing nothing.
I'd have to do something.

I'd blog.
I'd write.
I'd want to be connected to my beloved campus so I'd either continue to teach, or I'd get another degree.

That's how I know I belong there.
That's how I know my university is the place I should be.
I did the lottery test.

The lottery test is when you ask yourself the question:
If money were no longer a concern, what would I do with my time?

I'd still be active on campus.

Ok, so how to make that a reality without having to hit the lottery...hmmmmm.

No word on the job yet.
Not sure if that's bad news, good news or no news.

But I have faith.
I have faith that I belong at MSU.
If this job doesn't work out
a position will open up that's just right for me and they'll hire me.

I'll be hired because it will be karmically correct.

I'm not all that worried.

Financially things are tough right now.
But like I said the other day, things have to be tough right now to make the happiness of my future more...happy.
I really do believe that.

I had Sunday dinner with my parents yesterday.
My parents have faith in me.
They said they're willing to help me until I find the right, full-time job.
They're not pressuring me to "just take any job".
Even THEY want me to work at my school.
They want me to be happy.

Though things are painfully uncertain in my life right now,
I'm going to make the best of it.

I'm going to step out in faith.

I'm staying positive.
I'm staying active.
I'm taking care of myself.
I'm getting work done.
I'm helping others as best I can.

I am proactively creating a future.

It may not be easy,
but it's still good.

All good.

*Movement for Motivation*
Reason Number 437 why I love college students!
click here or click below

just frikken eat

toothpastefordinner.com

What happens when you KNOW all the reasons that you overeat but you still overeat?
I'm gonna vote to overeat and just shut up about it.

Or be ok with it.

Er, or blog about it.

Look, unless we're going to become yogis of peace and calm and learn to live a stress-free-life, we're going to need ways to cope with stress.

We can learn to not get stressed in the first place
or
learn healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with stress.

One of those coping mechanisms may involve eating.
I believe it's possible to eat without adding guilt to the mix.
If we're going to eat recreationally we should eat lots of healthy, low fat, high fiber, high quality foods
and increase our activity level so that we use that food efficiently.

...and shut up about it.
Or blog about it.

I noticed I've been eating a bit more lately.
I was about to launch a counter-attack against myself for eating, but I thought about it.

I'm in a strange sorta limbo right now with my job situation.
I'm in an uncomfortable place with my body image issues right now being Halfway to Skinny.

One of the ways I cope with the stress I'm feeling is to eat.

I blew through 2 sleeves of rice cakes the other day.
I can eat $8.00 worth of tamari almonds in a night.
I'm able to eat 2 sugar-free Jello puddings in a sitting.
Same for yogurt.
I can eat lots of Paul Newman cereal.
Wasa? Forget about it.
A package of Hearty Wasa and a pitcher of Crystal Light and I'll eat till I wanna pass out.

Guess I still have that eating disorder, huh.

Guess who's deciding not to stress about it?

But rather than deal with my behavior by calling it an illness
I'm choosing to reframe it instead.
Eating for reasons other than stomach-hunger
is no longer a crime...
cuz I say so
and I am the boss of me.

Eating is one of many healthy, yes healthy, ways to cope.

But, and everyone loves a BIG BUTT
healthy foods
and some attention to calorie and fat content can keep it from causing weight gain.

Eating for reasons other than hunger will not necessarily lead to negative consequences.
I know because I'm living it.

As long as I pay attention to the quality of the foods I eat
and as long as I keep active
eating can be one of many ways - even a favorite way - to cope with stress.

How's that for a reframe?

Today I'm eating Sunday dinner with my parents.
I requested baked chicken and 3 bean salad.
Yum :-)

When I'm feeling snacky later I have raw, red peppers, rice cakes, apples, sugar free jello, and leftover rotisserie chicken.

I'll eat when I want to.

Tonight the Ploy Toys and I are meeting with the greatest personal trainer on campus for our one hour private session of custom exercises for folks who live in tiny apartments and dorm rooms.

It's good to be the boss of me.

*Movement for Motivation*
Sometimes being active takes more than one person.
Sometimes we need a friend to move with us to make it fun rather than a chore.
Sometimes watching other people having fun and moving makes us want to move.
My FAVORITE move is 2:50 minutes into the video.
Oh, and the beginning with Rachel Griffiths' character telling off the skinny mean girls is classic.
click here or click below

Pac Man IS round, you know!

What do you think?
Does Pac Man have an eating disorder??

What do you think? Are gamers a-sexual?

nataliedee.com

What do you think? Should I take just any job so I can have an income and benefits or hold out for something that brings me
actual happiness and fulfillment?

It's worth it if it's worth fighting for.
It'll pay off if it's worth waiting for.
It'll be rewarding if it's worth working for.

I remember in the summer of 2006 having to jump through emotional and logistical hoops to get my gastric bypass surgery.
Everything from money issues to needing a signed medical clearance mere hours before my surgery.
I really had to work for it.

WHILE the obstacles were presenting themselves,
DURING the trials, hoops and arrangements,
I understood,
at a spiritual level,
that I had to feel like I EARNED my surgery.
It was karmically correct.
The difficulties - even with the crying, the uncertainty, the physical pain involved in running around tying up loose ends - were necessary.

Why were they necessary??
Because I BELIEVED they were necessary.
I believed and the universe obliged.

Same with my job situation.
I'm not going to receive an offer until I feel I deserve it.
The good news is, I'm close to believing that I deserve it.

If the offer I"m waiting for now doesn't work out,
there will be another.
I know it in my bones.

The body lift surgery?
I won't be able to get it till I believe I've lost "enough" fat and strengthened my body.

Self confidence?
Self love?
Self acceptance?

I won't feel it till I've learned to love myself
EXACTLY
AS
I
AM!

A reader sent me this link (click here)
she's so...
like me.

Kids at school picked on her.
Men rejected her.
Folks judged her.
She struggled with body image issues and eating disordered behavior.



Then she made an amazing web page.
(click here)

Brava, Laura!

*Movement for Motivation*
A move toward self-acceptance and love.
click here or click below

no crying in kickboxing

toothpastefordinner.com


Yesterday in kickboxing class, I wanted to think of Buffy.
I wanted to imagine her training with Giles, fighting demons and bad-guys, doing her hand to hand combat against evil thing.

And it all would have worked out great except for the crying.
Yeah, I had a fit of the weepies in the middle of kickboxing class.
Good thing people are distracted and into their own worlds while they're working out.
No one noticed.

I didn't want anyone to notice.
Sometimes, we cry hoping to get an "awww, come 'ere" with a comforting hug.
Or hope someone asks, "What's the matter?"

For a minute, I almost wanted that.
I started out wanting attention and sympathy.
I imagined running out of the room and sitting on the curb outside sobbing with my face in my hands.
I imagined running to the ladies room to splash water on my face while someone patted my back saying, "there, there, it'll be alright."

I resisted the urge to flee.
Instead I stayed in the room and toughed it out.

WHY was I crying?

I'm not entirely sure.
Everything was fine until she had us run laps around the room.
I thought about the damned front-butt-pannus-of-evil.
I didn't want to feel it.
I didn't want to HEAR it flapping.
I didn't want to be reminded that it was there.

But running (jogging, really) is one of those activities that makes everything bob and bounce.
There's no hiding from your own body when you run.
The excess fat announces itself, it sags, hurts, yanks, flobs and pulls.

It was too much for me to deal with at that moment.
So, I cried.

I cried an involuntary, eyes flooding with hot tears, feeling sorry for myself, cry.

I cried and ran.
I cried and punched.
I cried and kicked.

By the time we were doing the plank, I was all cried out.

I got it out of my system, felt better, then went to the front of the class to be closer to the instructor.

I didn't quit.
I WANTED to quit,
to hide,
to never kickbox again,
to work out privately and not let anyone see me until I thought I was acceptable.

I FELT like quitting, but I didn't quit.
I stayed in the ring.
I kept on fighting, battling my demons.

Maybe I'm more like Buffy than I think.

*Movement for Motivation*
Meet The Slayer.
click here or click below

big is beautiful, really

Jenny and me at the National Arts Club.

Time for the mind.

When I first began the serious "get well" initiative back in 2006, I had to change my mind.

Rather than be disgusted with how I looked and felt, I had to learn self-acceptance.

I looked in the mirror and battled the bad body thoughts.
I struggled to accept my body exactly as it was.
I told myself, and believed, that I was a work in progress who was beautiful at every stage of growth, no matter if I was fat, round, big, or whatever.

When I come from a place of self love and self acceptance,
I'm able to take care of myself.
I'm able to get stronger.
I'm able to move around without being disgusted with the way my body feels.

When I come from a place of self-loathing then I'm not as able to take care of myself.
I don't want to move around because I don't want to feel my body jiggling, wiggling, front-butting and taking up space.
I don't take care to eat as well as I should when I feel bad about my body.

Today, I must own the front butt, the bigness, the partially deflated body, the work in progress shape.
If I don't accept myself and love myself exactly where I'm at, I won't be able to go to kickboxing class. I won't be able to walk around on campus. I'll just want to hide out.
If I feel awful about how I look
I'll find excuses to eat carby, convenience foods rather than foods that are good for me.

It's a mind thing.

It's tough to change.

Society says that thin is the way to be.
Society says that younger is better.
Or rather society AGREES to those ideas that come from THE MEDIA.

As much as I love TV, pop culture, fashion and youth, I need to love myself just as I am.

So, how does one learn to love the front-butt and all the sizey-ness of one's self??

Surround yourself with positive imagery to counteract the damaging effects of the media.

For instance, pics like this:

Or this:

Or this:

Positive affirmations are also necessary.

Love
me
where
I'm
at.

I am ok
exactly as I am.

I am worth taking care of no matter what size or shape I have.

If you would judge me unfavorably because of my size then you are not welcome in my life.

That goes
for
those negative voices in my head, too.

Be gone!!
Be gone negative voices!

For I am big,
worthy
and on my way to a stronger,
healthier,
body.

If I never got ANY reconstructive surgery,
I would still be
worthy
love-able
and beautiful.

If I write it
and
say it
maybe I'll believe it.

*Movement for Motivation*
Curvy Couture??
I LOVE it!!
Rock on, ladies!
click here or click below

front butt-insky

I edited out my front butt.

For the record, it's one thing for ME to make fun of my front-butt,
but when other people do it, I'm highly offended.

If you Google "front butt" you get The Urban Dictionary (click here)
that says:

.......
----------------- ?????

oh, wait.

Never mind.

It changed since I read it yesterday.

I see how it works.
Folks can add to The Urban Dictionary, kinda like Wikipedia.
Then readers can give the entries a thumbs up or a thumbs down.

The top definitions from yesterday were largely (no pun) about women and how men are sickened by seeing a front-butt on a woman.

Today (meaning right now) I was going to rant about how I first became acquainted with the term "front-butt" on that show The Biggest Loser a few seasons back.
I think it was the guy who was runner up who talked about it.
He had major front-butt.
He even said that it looked like he had a giant rear-end on his lower abs when he started the show.

By the end of the show, he had lost weight and deflated his front-butt.
Although he had loose skin, he had slimmed down and energized his body by changing the foods he ate and exercising regularly.

So, I had planned to rant about the extremely sexist (it still kinda is) nature of the the front-butt entry in The Urban Dictionary, but the entries now include the men.
Yesterday the entries were mostly about women.
Now, the front-butlery is more egalitarian.

Ok, so I'm not as angry.

As long as men and women can equally share the burden of butt-frontage I'm ...
well, not happy...but...you know.

I still want to get rid of mine.
The challenge is loving and respecting myself, inside and out, in the meantime.

*Movement for Motivation*
I don't believe you can use a certain exercise to burn fat in a particular area, BUT, you can strengthen the muscles.
Strong muscles are always a good idea.
The better developed our muscles are, the higher our metabolisms go and the more efficiently we burn our fuel.
Plus our bodies don't hurt so much when we do stuff....like stand!
I can't do these lifts as fast as she does.
Sometimes I have to put my hands behind my thighs and "help" my legs up.
It's ok to modify.
It's ok to do a few in good form than none at all!!
Love her accent.
click here or click below

from deformed hideous mess to work in progress in just one blog!

Rachel Daniella of MSU Hillel with me at one of the most beautiful places in NYC, The National Arts Club at Gramercy Park.

The famous Tiffany stained glass ceiling at the National Arts Club.
So beautiful, it was other-worldly!

The National Arts Club at Gramercy Park for Dr. Kogan's book signing
(me, Michael and Monica).

Today started out great!
It's warm outside.
I can SMELL the Spring, moist and promising, blowing through my window.

I'm happy about yesterday.

Yesterday was rich with experience.
I spoke at MSU's 2nd Annual Peace Conference.
My talk was in the "big" room, the ballroom on the 7th floor of University Hall in our gorgeous new conference center.

And LOOK!!
I'm using the cordless mic!!
That's a huge deal for me.
Giving a talk with a cordless mic was something I thought of as a 'maybe' back in 2006 when I was envisioning my goals for the future.

I imagined being well enough, mobile enough to NEED a cordless mic to give a talk.
Back then, I never stood up from my chair when I lectured.
Yesterday I paced and walked and moved in and out of the tables and chairs in the audience.
I never sat.

Yesterday marked the beginning of my realizing one of my fondest dreams.

Then today happened.
Like I said, it all started out great with the Spring air and loveliness.
Until I unloaded the pics from my workhorse of a digital camera onto my hard drive and looked at myself.

Can you please tell me...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT HANGING UNDER MY NECK??!!!

WH-WH-WHat?????

All I can think of is that stupid commercial for FedEx (click here)
Where everyone's appearance matches their name and the woman says to her boss,
"Well said Mr. Turkey Neck."

What the hell!!

I looked in horror,
then I talked myself out of panicking.

Took a breath.
Calmed down.

I convinced myself it was a bad angle.
I told myself that it's a still photo and that when I'm moving around I don't really look that way.
And then this photo popped up...

What on God's blessed earth is that thing hanging down from under my jacket??

Here it is.
Worse than Cloverfield.
The monster...
The alien...

The pannus!!!

No.
No.
No.

That is NOT me.
It can't be.
That can't be what's really hanging off my body.
It looks like a friggin' upside down Valentine!
Or an ass.
A frontal butt.

I thought wearing dark colors camouflaged it.
I didn't realize the damned thing was peeking out from under my clothes!!

Ugh!!!

Not happy.

Not confident.

Not good.

Not going anywhere near any culorian rocks.

I want to go crawl right back into the bed right now.
I want to hide out from the world.

This is a nightmare.
I'm walking around wearing a sagging-fat-suit-nightmare.

Ok. I had my self-denigrating panic blog-o-tantrum.

Now what??

What do I do with this?

This isn't something I can solve right away.
This isn't an easy fix.

This is another year's (or maybe just till December?)
worth of work.

Losing more fat.
Getting the excess skin removed.

tummy toon by nataliedee

Is this really about how I look?

It's about love-a-bility, isn't it.

I look at these pics of me and think
hideous
deformed
and
utterly unlove-able.

If it were just about a shape,
mine would just be one shape among many.
You'd be surprised (or not) at the different body shapes I see on campus every day.
There's plenty of oddness.
Plenty of variety.
A world of bodily diversity.

But I have this story, this baggage attached to my blub-u-lous oddness.

I hold the alien front-butt in my forearms and wish it away.
Please go away.
I look up to the ceiling and do my chin exercises and think
tighten up
tighten up
tighten up.

I'd love to do the Hirschmann and Munter thing.
What do they say about bad body thoughts?

"...when we say 'I feel fat,' we are really speaking in code, disguising the true feelings and concerns that are vital to our lives."

I'd love to sit and decode today's panic (pannus panic?).
But something in my gut tells me this time it's different.

Sure, I have emotional issues surrounding my self-esteem and supposed un-love-ability.
I acknowledge my not-good-enough self-image issues.

But this time I think I am feeling
actual
anxiety over what I
actually
look like.

I don't like being shaped this way.
I prefer a healthier, smoother, fitter shape.
Fer serious.

Ok.
I have work to do.

The front-butt won't go away on its own.

This is one doodle that can't be undid.

I have to work it off.

Being pro-active about it makes me feel less deformed.
It make me feel like I'm a work in progress.
It gives me the attitude to say,
"So what?
love me as I am or get out."

I love people exactly as they are.
I love people exactly where they're at.

I deserve the same in return.

*Movement for Motivation*
"You sure gonna need Jesus to get through it" says the woman, Lisa, in this video.
I know.
I know I will, too.
I'm including this video because I talk about my impending body lift surgery.
It's only fair to my readers to let you know that the recovery is painful and difficult.
Listen to Lisa.
She's having regrets about her abdominoplasty because of the pain and suffering involved.
There are many sides to a story.
click here or click below

Click the little icon below to vote for my Blog!
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