intimacy phobe

"If there is a
history of enmeshment
with one of the parents,
often the mother,
in which the (person) was used as a
hero child,
performer,
confidant,
or 'the baby',
then the relationship with a parent
was one in which the child was there
to service the parent's needs,
not the other way around.
That's what they feel will happen to them
and are basically
intimacy-phobic."
- Terrence Real author of
How Can I get Through to You:
Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women.

"We have a fear of intimacy
because we have a fear of
abandonment,
betrayal,
and rejection.
We have a these fears
because we were wounded in early childhood
- we experienced feeling emotionally
abandoned,
rejected,
and betrayed
by our parents because
they were wounded...

Sharing who we are is a problem
for codependents because
at the core of our relationship
with ourselves is the feeling that
we are somehow
defective,
unlovable
and unworthy
- because of our childhood
emotional
trauma."
- Robert Burney, M.A.

Why do I develop crushes on unavailable men?
Must be fear of intimacy...on my part.

And here I thought I was so brave.
Ha!

I was lying in bed last night trying to visualize a happy relationship with someone
(I kept it vague and open) who would love and appreciate me.
I was having a hard time.

I tried to picture DOING stuff with someone, you know, like dating.
It didn't work.

I couldn't imagine enjoying someone else's company that way...
like in a dating way.

What about when I'm with my friends?
Well, that's different.
I have no fear of being
abandoned,
rejected
or
deeply wounded by my friends.

For the most part, the people I'm friends with are
loyal,
decent,
non-competitive folks who truly want the best for me.

I'm having trouble imagining that a love interest can be
the same way.

I'm having LOTS of trouble imagining that I could find happiness in a romantic relationship.

For me, the high of the crush is the closest I've come in a looooong time to anything even resembling intimacy.

Granted, the crush-highs are great hypo-manic fuel for my creative endeavors.
Being in the imagination-stage of the relationship,
the wanting rather than having,
the wooing,
the 'maybe' stage
is exciting.
It's inspiring.

But the having?
the relating?
the being together?
Nope.
Can't really imagine it.

As a fan of The Secret and a practitioner of creative visualization, I'm wondering.
Do I HAVE to be able to imagine it before hand?
or can possibilities manifest without my being able to see it ahead of time?

I wonder.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Working with special needs groups?
I'm seeing that as my career for the next few years.
Service.
That's what I feel I'm good for.
Relationships?
I don't think I have the knack.
Yes, Cheap Drama is an addiction.
Thanks, Dr. Jeanine!
click here or click below