consistent 4 luv

"You listen to me.
I’ve been alive... 
a hundred plus years and there’s
only one thing I’ve 
ever been sure of.
 You...
When I say I love you...
it has nothing to do with me. 
I love what you are,
what you do, 
how you try. 
I’ve seen your
kindness and your strength. 
I’ve seen the best  
and the worst of you  
and I understand  
with perfect clarity
exactly what you are.  
You are a hell of a woman...
You’re the one, Buffy."
- Spike to Buffy in 'Touched'

As I watched Spike tell Buffy how much and why he loved her I was so choked up I couldn't even cry. The tears wanted to come but they wouldn't.

It didn't quite touch the tender sadness inside me.
It couldn't get to it.
The tender sadness is a gatekeeper to a precious,
persistent hope that someone WILL love me that way.
So, I was more encouraged than sad when I listened to Spike.

Yesterday, Theresa left me an encouraging comment (click here).
It made me feel deeply reassured.

Deeply because it touched something inside me that KNOWS that I'll find love,
more than once,
in big
brave
glittery ways
in the kinda near future.

Love might not find me yet because I'm hiding.
I'm hiding behind the feelings I've attached to my
loose skin,
extra flesh,
and
the belief that I need plastic surgery
in order to be acceptable and love-able.

All my energy is saying
GET AWAY
DON'T LOOK
DON'T GET CLOSE TO ME
love me but reject me right away
so we can't actually get close!

Sure I catch mad feelings for certain guys
who inevitably
have
no idea what to do with me.
And that's karmically correct.
Cuz I have no idea what to have them do with me.
I'm so busy feeling un-love-able that my karma attracts just the
right guys to give me just the right
stay-away behavior.

The ones who CAN love me?
I have blinders on.
They don't exist.
I couldn't possibly be the object of their adoration
and if I am,
I'll do whatever it takes to ruin it and alienate them.

I need to get my energy right.

A great book just arrived in the mail called
'Why We Love' by Helen Fisher.

I read the first 30+ pages in class (while my students took their final).
One of my students happened to have it in her backpack.
She lent it to me so I'd have something to read while they took their exam.

That book found me for a reason.

It looks like it will explain so much of my crush-obsess-alienate behavior.
It will help me make sense of it.
Making sense of things helps me put things in perspective so they don't have so much power over me.

Yesterday, Darren showed me how to work out with weights (again).
He emphasized that I don't have to beat myself up at the gym in order for it to have an impact.
Consistent effort is all it takes.
Total body workouts aren't necessary right now.
Some cardio, some weight training, some stretching and GO HOME.

Hearing it from a trusted friend helped me to put my gym efforts in perspective.
I don't need to do too much.
I just have to do something consistently.

Permission and perspective.

Make way for some welcome changes.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Smart, simple, do-able.
The 'Better Than Nothing Workout'!
Brilliant!!
Thanks Rachel and Jeremy!
click here or click below